Kickin' It (2011) s01e17 Episode Script

You're not gonna believe it.
Duke Evans is coming to the mall this weekend! Get out! Duke Evans is coming here? To our mall? That is incred-- - You have no o idea who he is, do you? - Not a clue.
Duke Evans is a world champion speed board-breaker.
Check it out.
Welcome to the chop shop, baby! Duke Evans is a loser Who travels around in a motor home doing karate demos.
He's having a board-breaking challenge to see if anybody can break his record.
I'd love to break that guy's record, Watch him soak up his tears with his own mullet.
I don't know, jack.
You think you're ready to take on a guy like the Duke? Yeah, I kind of do.
Uh, dude? You know you came to school in your pajamas, right? Oh yeah, I know.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
I've got family in town and I have to share my bed with my cousin Pepito.
Pepito! So you're gonna go to class like that? Pssh, class? No no no.
I'm going to bed.
- I can't believe he's really going to bed-- - hey! You kids keep it down out there, okay? Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Kickin' It S01E17 Breaking Board - Time.
- 21 boards.
That was awesome! Thanks, Eddie.
See it's all about technique and focus.
- I do this whole meditation to keep - he was talking about me.
I'll see you guys later.
Well, have fun.
Aren't you gonna say anything about my outfit? - What outfit? - Nope.
- Didn't notice.
- You look the same to me.
I'm a candy-striper, you freaks.
I'm volunteering at the hospital.
And what exactly does a candy-striper do? I cheer up the patients, bring them flowers And do everything I can to ignore what's in their bedpans.
Okay, let's get back to work, Jerry.
I really wanna break that jerk's record.
Dude, what do you have against Duke? He's got the hair of a god.
He was my hero until I met him.
That'll be five bucks, scooter.
You got yourself a real duke board.
Thanks, Duke.
You know what-- I love karate! You? You'll never be good at karate.
You're not built for it.
You might wanna learn how to twirl a baton, Put on one of them glitter getups.
You'll be awesome.
Next.
That guy is a jerk, but he's right.
I think you could rock one of them glitter getups.
Could we get back to work? Aw, dude, I'm fried.
Can we take a break? Your cousin still in town? Yeah, and get this-- Last night Pepito pe-peed the bed.
Let's just break a few more boards.
I really wanna beat this guy.
- Fine.
- Come on.
You ready? - Yeah.
- All right.
- Ready.
- Go.
- Oh! - Jerry, I'm so sorry.
- I thought you were ready.
- He's all right.
He's just a little groggy.
Jerry! - It's Milton.
- Aah! Stop slapping him.
We gotta get him to a hospital.
- A hospital.
- You're right.
Come on, come on.
All right, come on.
Go.
And don't worry, Jerry.
You're in good hands.
- Aw, Jerry.
- Oh my goodness.
I'm here at Falafel Phil's where phil is about to sell his one millionth falafel ball.
That's right! That's right! And some lucky random customer is going to win free food for life.
I wonder who is this random lucky person going to be.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
I don't even have an idea clue.
Listen, sister woman, Get your hockmock in line now.
But if they find out that I am your sister, I will have shaved my mustache for nothing.
No one is going to find out.
Now stop having pancake attack.
I get publicity and don't have to give away free food.
Excuse me.
Hey, Phil, I'm not that hungry.
Can I just have one falafel ball, please? One falafel ball coming-- Oh, dung of camel.
Stop dancing! This man just bought the winning falafel ball.
- What's your name, sir? - Rudy.
- What's going on? - What's going on, rudy, is you just won free food for life.
How does it feel? You hear that, ma? We're eating good tonight.
Eating good, I tell you! Phil, would you like to say anything? Huh? C-c-congratulations, Rudy.
Jerry was tired.
I pushed him too hard just so I could what, break Duke's record? He's in the hospital because of me.
Doctor.
Could you tell us how he's doing? Yes, but let me see if I can put it in terms you would understand.
He has a boo-boo on his tum-tum And so we had to order some insidey pictures.
You mean you're taking an x-ray to check for a bilateral contusion along his external fractoid? Well, thank you, Dr.
Wannabe.
Well, you're welcome, Dr.
Talk-down-to-me.
That's it, I'm done.
I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
Finally.
Just opened up some prime real estate.
Falafel me! No, Rudy, I am cutting you off.
You can't cut me off.
It was on the news.
Everyone saw it.
Okay, Rudy, you win, but there will come a day Sometime in the future when you're going to regret ever trying to take advantage of Falafel Phil.
Well, until that day comes, I want more falafel balls! - Well, you look like you're feeling better.
- Oh yeah.
The doctor will be in in a minute.
I've gotta go deliver pudding and show the patients how to use their beds.
Oh, I've heard about hospital pudding.
But wait, how do people not know how to use a bed? These hospital beds are amazing.
They have 15 different comfort settings And a massage mode.
I'll check in on you later.
Pudding? A bed with 15 comfort settings that's Pepito-less? Sorry I'm late, but I just lost a patient.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
How'd he die? No, he didn't die.
I wheeled him onto an elevator, Bent over to pick up a penny, And when I stood up again-- gone.
The patient, not the penny.
I still have the penny.
Anyway, got your x-rays here.
Good news-- no breaks, not fractures.
You are good to go home.
Wait, I-- I have to leave? Well, there's nothing wrong with you, Jerry.
We might hold you for observation if you were in pain, but you're not.
So much pain! You worry about taking care of Duke Evans and I'll worry about taking care of Jerry.
I'd love to show up that jerk, But I can't go through with it.
My heart's not in it.
Your heart's not in what? Your chest? Because that could be serious.
Fine, don't break your boards, But you can't tell Jerry.
You're just gonna make him feel guilty.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
I've been working at a hospital for almost six hours.
Now let Jerry rest.
That poor boy is suffering.
Bed goes up.
Yeah! Wait, no.
Bed goes down.
Shouldn't we be looking for jerry? In a minute.
How cute are those newborn babies? Cute? That one looks like my grandpa's neck meat.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! You can't go in.
You're not a baby.
I used to be.
Let's go.
Hush little babies don't say a word.
Milton's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
See, Eddie? I have a gift.
I can calm down any baby.
Eddie.
- Eddie! - Aghh! What the-- That vent almost fell on me.
I could have been killed.
That would have been a shame, What with you winning all that free food for life and everything.
Wait.
Why were you standing right there when that vent fell? Here, Rudy, I brought you some leftover hummus That you only take one bite out of.
Please eat it.
Wait.
Now you want me to eat it? Yeah.
There's something weird going on here.
You monster! You're trying to kill me.
Rudy, you are as wrong as you are fat from stuffing your falafel hole with free food.
I'm not eating at your place ever again.
In fact, from now on I'm having all my meals at Captain Corndog's.
Good, finally, I've-- Captain Corndog? For that I will kill you! Prepare for the flying goat.
Kim? Kim.
Kim! What, Jerry? What? Where have you been? I know we're friends, But I've been in here nine times in the last hour.
I've got other patients that need help.
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be any trouble.
Aah.
I just thought in my hour of need You'd-- aah-- you'd be there for me.
But no no, I was wrong.
I'll get it myself.
Fine! I'll get your pudding.
Thank you.
Oh my! Oh yeah! I gotta go, little baby.
One piece of advice: Do not wear a bow tie To the first day of preschool.
It'll haunt you forever.
Can we swap back now? This one's getting that not-so-fresh smell.
We already swapped.
You get that one from over there.
Nuh-uh, that's mine.
The one you're holding you got from over there.
What? Do you realize what we've done? We've mixed up all these babies And they've seen our faces.
Hey, scooter, coming to the board-breaking show tonight? My name's not scooter.
It's Jack.
And no, I'm not.
Too bad.
There's gonna be a splinter shower, brother.
I guess you'll just be one of the losers that don't see it.
I don't think you're all that, Duke.
In fact, I wanted to come down here and challenge your record, But my friend's in the hospital.
"friend in the hospital.
" Sure.
A little wimp like you couldn't break a board.
I don't think you could break wind, Jack.
Really? Those boards weren't for breaking.
I was building a spice rack for my fan.
Do you know how much trouble we're going to be in for mixing up these babies? We're going to jail, man! I gotta think.
Shut up! Shut up, you dumb babies! What are you two doing in here? It's his fault.
I told him not to come in here, But he just had to pick up the babies.
It wasn't just me.
He was smelling their heads.
I can't help it! Their heads smell so good.
We tried putting them back, but they all look the same.
We've ruined their lives! I'm so sorry! We mix them up all the time.
That's why we put barcode bracelets on their ankles.
Oh, s-so you mean They-- Okay then.
Good day, babies.
Oh, this is my song! Guys, you won't believe this.
Jerry's been faking his injury the entire time.
What? Do you have any idea what we've just been through? You? I got him 37 puddings.
I clipped his nails.
I washed his feet.
- Time to scrub up.
- What? - I said scrub up.
- Yes, ma'am.
Kim, what's going on? We got the test results back.
It's not good.
You need immediate surgery.
What? Wait, why can't I move? We thought it would be best to strap you down.
We ran out of anesthesia.
What are you-- no no no.
No no no no! Wait, no no, stop! I was faking the whole thing.
- What? - Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I just wanted my own bed.
Milton, Eddie? Hey, when did you guys become doctors? I don't believe this.
I've been worried sick.
I even bought you this stupid talking bear.
I wuv you very much.
Oh no, you don't.
He's not worth yo wuv.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I mean the food, my own bed, Kim's oh-so-refreshing footbaths.
Ew! You gave him a footbath? Hey, I am not proud of it, okay? Let's just get out of here.
Guys.
Guys, guys! Could somebody untie me, please? Phil, Rudy? What happened to him? I went to Captain Corndog's and accidentally ordered the millionth wiener.
They gave me free food for life.
I ate and I ate And I ate and I ate And I ate and then I blacked out.
I found him wandering around the courtyard, His shirt off, his pants unbuckled, And pieces of wiener all over his face.
I have a problem.
That's right.
New record, yeah! Any of you panty-wearing punks wanna step up and challenge my record? That's what I thought! Hey, Duke, I'll give it a shot.
Jack! I just need somebody to hold my boards.
I'll do it.
Jack, I wanna make things right.
Now let's break this fool's record.
Okay, scooter.
You ready on the clock? You gotta break 28 boards in 15 seconds.
And go! - 29 boards-- we did it! - Yes! You know what? You got lucky, Jack.
But I'll be back next year, And you'd better be ready.
One of you sweet ladies wanna give Dukey a ride to the bus station? Fine! Jerry, that was incredible.
Man, I couldn't have done it without you.
Dude, you gotta keep your gown closed.
Everyone can see the ponies on your underpants.
They're not ponies.
They're unicorns.
Hey, that's my bike! You know what? I was wrong about you, Phil.
You're a good friend-- A good weird friend.
Okay, Rudy, get some rest.
Let me help adjust your bed for you-- oh! Okay okay, this is awkward.
Someone should really fix this bed.