Las Vegas s01e17 Episode Script
You Can't Take It with You
[People cheering.]
[Upbeat pop song.]
WOMAN: Come on! Come on! [Woman exclaiming in disappointment.]
CROUPIER: Two, craps in the field, high and away.
You, you're a cooler! The casino brings them in here to ice me.
What's in your tank, Freon, cooler? Cooler? I'm a retired orthodontist.
Back, spawn of Satan! Let me show you how this works.
It's a $10 minimum, sir.
I got it.
Can I have a $10 chip? Here.
It's a Rolex.
All right.
It's a fakey, but it's worth at least $10.
Come on.
- Is there a problem here? - Yeah, the gentleman's had enough.
[Chuckling.]
I guess I'll just take my action elsewhere.
SAM: I need you to be on the lookout for my potential whale, Walton Palmer.
He runs a Wall Street hedge fund.
Gambles billions in the stock market.
I'm gonna get him interested in some civilised forms of wagering.
[Laughing.]
And just how did you lure him here? By way of my substantial charms.
And the Montecito jet, limo and complimentary villa.
Yeah, that, too.
Oh, my God, hide me.
Hide you from who? HELEN: Sam! Sam Marquez! It's us! Stan and Helen Putasca from Waukegan.
Remember? Of course.
How could I forget? [Helen and Stan laughing.]
STAN: Oh, sure! SAM: Hi! HELEN: It's good to see you.
SAM: Yes.
Welcome to the Montecito.
Thank you so much.
We didn't know you were working here now.
Surprise! Well, Sam, it's our anniversary, and it is time to splurge.
It may be safer to keep your money in your room.
Each one has its own safe.
[Both chuckling.]
STAN: Hey, Sam.
Time to feed the kitty.
- Coupons.
- Exactamundo.
Stan and Helen are the king and queen of coupons.
Well, Vegas is the biggest travel bargain on the planet but you gotta know how to work it, baby.
STAN: Isn't that right, Sam? SAM: Yes.
We did our entire wedding reception for 90 people at her last casino on nothing but two-fors and freebies.
- Wow.
- Yes, they did.
This trip, our goal is to do the entire weekend without spending a penny.
- Isn't that great? - Yeah.
STAN: How about it, Sam? [Meowing.]
Feed me.
Give me coupons.
[Upbeat pop song continues.]
[Bells ringing.]
[Siren blaring.]
LLOYD: Holy frijole! I just won $1 million! I just won $1 million! [Whooping.]
[Theme music.]
I'm Ed Deline.
I'm President of Operations.
Congratulations.
- Lloyd.
- Lloyd.
Mary.
Yes? Would you see to it that Mr.
Lloyd gets whatever he needs? I'll make arrangements for the cheque.
No cheques.
I want cash.
Lloyd, I'm really sorry, but we reserve the right to decide form of payment.
[Mary clears her throat.]
What? He's a local.
We'll pay him cash.
It'll double our publicity.
Our slots will be packed.
Okay, we'll make it happen.
- Cash.
- Cash.
We understand each other.
Thank you.
Do me a favour, would you? Keep your eye on this guy here.
It's gonna be one of those days.
BETTE: Edward Melvin Deline! Melvin? You know her? She's my mother.
This is all comped, including room tax, right? MIKE: We spotted him at regular check-in.
SAM: What's he doing there? Don't know.
One of my guys offered to take his bags he said he doesn't hand out tips for nothing.
MIKE: Doesn't sound like a whale to me.
SAM: We'll see.
- Mr.
Palmer.
- Yeah? - Hello.
I'm Samantha Marquez.
- Yeah.
Of course.
- Thanks for sending the jet.
- Of course.
Certainly not the way I'd run a business, but Would you like me to walk you over here to VIP services? Joey's gonna grab your bag.
Joey.
JOEY: Yes, ma'am.
SAM: Complimentary, of course.
SAM: Gratuities included.
Okay, let's go.
ED: Mr.
Campbell, on behalf of the Montecito Hotel I'd like to present you with your winnings.
I'd like to show the folks, those of you who haven't seen $1 million before, well, that's what it looks like.
Please remember that the Montecito Hotel is the hotel of the $1 million cash payday.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
NEWSCASTER: [On TV.]
This time it's one of our own.
The newest millionaire in Las Vegas is local resident, Lloyd Campbell.
TAMMl: Lloyd? MAN: Lloyd, where? You sneaky son of a bitch, I hope you frigging die! [Rock instrumental music.]
For your own safety I suggest you get this money to a bank as soon as possible.
- I can escort you there.
- Who's the Clyde? "The Clyde"? This is Danny McCoy, my right-hand man.
In exchange for a few interviews, we'd like to offer you a complimentary suite.
MARY: Anything you want, just ask.
Damn, I think I like being rich already.
Let's get that money tucked away first.
- No way.
- Excuse me? Did I stutter? She says I can have anything I want.
What I want is to sleep with my money.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I guess since it is your money, you can do with it what you like.
- Damn skippy.
- Right.
Skippy.
First, you'll have to sign this release holding the Montecito and its employees harmless in regard to your winnings.
- What if I don't want to? - What if I'm not asking? Thank you.
- Can I see the suite now? - Right this way.
LLOYD: Cool.
[Lloyd chuckles.]
ED: What a pleasant surprise.
Finally, you've come.
Edward, you are a horrible liar.
I don't know how you ever made it as a spy.
[Light instrumental music playing.]
Danny.
This is Danny McCoy, Mum.
This is my mother, Bette.
- Hi.
- Danny.
What a pleasure it is to meet you.
The pretty boy whom Delinda dated and dumped.
No, she didn't dump me.
It was more of a mutual thing.
I pictured you as more muscular.
- You said, Bette Deline? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
It's just there's an expression at the craps table that's BETTE: Yes, Danny, I know.
ED: Anyway, Mum you still haven't told me why you're here.
I came here to this vice-ridden den of inequity because my son and granddaughter live here.
And if I didn't come to see them, I would never, ever see them.
DELINDA: Grandma! BETTE: Darling! [Bette exclaiming happily.]
Oh, my! How beautiful you are! - I get it from you.
- Oh, you! You knew that she was coming? Grandma called me to tell me she was flying in.
That's very nice.
Why would you neglect to tell me? I thought you knew.
Don't you have eyes and ears everywhere? That's very funny.
Where's your mother? Strangest thing, after Grandma called Mum suddenly remembered she had some really important shopping to do in Budapest.
Edward, would you please see to my luggage? And I trust I'm staying at your house? Mum, just wouldn't you be a lot more comfortable in a nice suite? Okay, I'll take care of everything.
Come on, Grandma.
We have so much to catch up on.
- Thank you, dear.
- Okay.
Wow, your mother's in town.
That must be exciting.
Yeah.
LLOYD: [Whooping.]
Check out this room! [Lloyd laughing.]
MARY: Well, Mr.
Campbell LLOYD: It's Lloyd.
Lloyd, I have a couple of interviews and a photo session set up for later this evening.
Shouldn't take more than an hour.
Anything for you, cupcake.
[Chuckles.]
A good, firm grip there, darling.
MARY: All right.
Wow.
Okay.
My name's Mary.
Mary Connell.
LLOYD: As you like it.
DANNY: Mr.
Campbell your room will be under 24-hour protection.
But, you should reconsider putting that money in a bank.
What's the matter, Charley? You afraid you can't handle it? [Whoops.]
[Laughs.]
DANNY: It's Danny.
LLOYD: Yeah, whatever.
- You get free phone sex on this thing? - No.
No, it doesn't.
MARY: But there is a wide variety of guest services where you can ring for a personal butler.
I've also left my cell phone number in case there's any problems.
I think I might have one of them percolating up right now.
- Yeah, what's that? - A breakfast burrito.
I think I need to test the gold-plated plumbing.
[Lloyd groans.]
All right.
I'll just have housekeeping send up some potpourri.
DANNY: You're such a pal.
MARY: Yeah.
[Chuckling.]
Don't forget.
You promised that you and Sam were gonna help with Ed's mum.
It's really important to him that his mum has a good time.
MARY: Don't worry, Danny.
LLOYD: Yeah! You okay there, Lloyd? LLOYD: That's Lloyd like 'rhoid, baby! I got you reservations at the French-Cuban restaurant that you love, Chez Guevara.
And also, I got you tickets for the netsuke exhibition at the Japanese Cultural Center.
- Netsuke? - Everyone's talking about it.
And I got you tickets for Don Giovanni tonight.
Wait.
That's an opera.
I gotta wear a tux.
It's sold out for weeks.
Well, I wanna thank you both from the bottom of my heart and I promise you I will not forget it.
Do you mind me asking why you're so nervous about your mum being here? - Yes.
- Okay.
ED: How's Joe Millionaire doing? MAN: Mr.
Deline.
He's making himself right at home.
The publicity's been great.
Slots are packed.
Well, good.
Just as long as he's out of the hotel him and his money, by tomorrow.
And again What can I say to you two? Thank you so much.
Really, okay? You're welcome.
ED: Really.
Never, ever forget it.
[Girls giggling.]
[Ed sighs.]
ED: Danny.
DANNY: Yeah? How's it going up there? DANNY: I had to leave the room.
My eyes started watering.
What's up? If you need any help, you know, I could stick around.
You wouldn't wanna miss that netsuke exhibit, would you, Ed? ED: Yeah.
All right.
I'm going.
[Screaming.]
[Groaning in pain.]
Something's wrong! [Groaning.]
LLOYD: My chest.
I can't breathe.
DANNY: Hey.
Call the paramedics.
LLOYD: My money! My money! Don't let them take my money! Don't worry, Lloyd.
We've already locked down your suite, okay? DANNY: Just breathe.
LLOYD: Freaking casinos! DANNY: Get him in there, fellows.
LLOYD: It's just my luck.
This one's a double-payout coupon on any $5 bet, no restrictions.
- Which we're adding to this one.
- This coupon must be five years old.
See an expiration date? Didn't think so.
- So you bet $5 to win $40? - Exactamundo.
We're on our way to Easy Street.
Come on, sister.
Make it happen.
[Exclaims excitedly.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
I'm here to see the man they just brought in from the Montecito, Lloyd Campbell.
Sir, I'm Dr.
Barnes.
I'm afraid you're too late.
What? He's dead.
I'm sorry.
[Suspenseful instrumental music continues.]
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
BETTE: When he was a freshman in high school he was so small and so skinny that he put soup cans in his pockets to make weight for the wrestling team.
[Danny and Mary laughing.]
MARY: Oh, my God, I love it! MARY: What was he like when he was little? BETTE: Well, when he was three, we called him Binky.
Binky? [Both laughing hysterically.]
His father and I took him to Radio City Music Hall to see Peter Pan.
And when it was over I asked him what he thought of it, and he had just one question ED: Yeah, "What was Captain Hook's name before he lost his hand?" [Clearing throat.]
He used to be a brilliant little boy.
God knows what's happened to him since then.
Mum, can I just speak to you for one second, please? [Bette clears her throat.]
You're not angry, are you? Mum, I spent years trying to earn the respect of my employees.
Now you show up.
It's just that I try to keep my personal and my business life separate.
- Do you understand? - But they love you, you know.
You're changing the subject.
[Sighing.]
Why can't I talk about my son? I hardly ever see you.
Well, Mum, maybe this is why.
Edward, honey, this is Las Vegas.
You gotta lighten up.
Now, I'm going to change for dinner.
BETTE: Goodbye, everybody.
MARY: Bye.
You know, if one of you say a word, you're fired.
- Excuse me.
Are you Mr.
Deline? - Yeah.
- I'm looking for Lloyd Campbell.
- Yeah? - The million-dollar winner.
- Yeah? I'm his wife.
[Sober instrumental music.]
ED: Sorry to keep you waiting.
You mind? So, apparently he had a fatal coronary.
TAMMl: A heart attack? ED: Yeah.
He's 29 freaking years old.
These things are rare, but apparently they happen.
Maybe it was the excitement of winning.
I told him to stop buttering everything.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
If there's anything we can do for you Where's my money? DANNY: Okay, the money's in here, safe and secure.
TAMMl: At least you guys did something right.
Thank you.
You do understand we're gonna have to hold on to this money until you get your legal issues ironed out, right? Yeah.
I wanna see it.
TAMMl: Where is it? He said he wanted to sleep with it.
I'm guessing the bedroom.
[Classical music playing.]
TAMMl: It's gone.
[Laughing mockingly.]
Ed, nobody's been in this room since we took him away.
I don't I want my money! Give me my money! HELEN: Okay, this one.
This is good for a free slot pull and French lessons at Paris.
HELEN: No expiration date on that.
STAN: That's a good one.
NESSA: Hi.
STAN: Hi.
What's going on here? We're just showing some of the new folks how to save a buck or two in this town.
I don't have to tell you Vegas can get pretty pricey, so Yeah.
Would you come with me a minute? - Sure.
- Sure.
NESSA: Sam, I need you in Mystique now.
STAN: We love Sam.
- So, how's it going? - I'm working on it.
ED: Boy, oh, boy.
How do you suppose we explain to the press that not only did we lose our newest millionaire but we also lost his money? - How not good is this? - Very, very not good.
DANNY: All right.
Now, screen back to live.
Besides Mary and I, nobody entered the room.
- What do we tell the press? - They don't know yet? - I don't think so.
- That's good.
That's good.
Do we know for sure this is the dead guy's wife? Yeah, positive.
I checked it out.
Okay, look, you take Mrs.
Campbell upstairs, and you keep her occupied.
- Don't let her talk to anybody.
- How do I do that? I don't know.
You mourn over some mimosas or something.
And you, you get your ass out there and find the money.
DANNY: All right.
I'll check the hospital.
ED: There you go.
That's good.
Because if the money was not in the suite, it had to go out in the body.
Probably in some kind of money belt.
ED: There you go.
So, great.
You two go and I'll just check the different angles on the cameras in the suite.
Maybe we missed something, right? Let me get this straight.
You're gonna stay here? - Yeah, right.
- No.
You're gonna go to the opera with your mother.
You're telling me what to do? I'm gonna go baby-sit Miss Congeniality in Dead Lloyd's suite.
And you, you're gonna spend some time with your mum, Mr.
President.
What's the matter with you? Do you realise how lucky you are? Do you realise that woman is 100 pounds of pain in the ass? I would give everything that I own just to have my mother back for one day.
Will you excuse me? Mike, it's Danny.
Make sure Ed gets in a limo.
Thanks.
- I've never seen him like this before.
- Poor Binky.
Yeah.
Listen, as much as I admire their dedication to the discount cause can you explain to them there's a time and place for everything? - Yeah, that's what I'm about to do.
- What, by giving them more crappy coupons? It's not about what you give.
It's how you give it.
[Laughing.]
They're not gonna bother us on the rest of their trip.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi, Sam.
She seemed peeved.
STAN: We were just trying to have a little fun.
On the plus side, we've already had three two-for-one Mai Tais.
- Yeah.
- Please.
[Whispering.]
I need you two to promise me that you are not gonna tell anybody about this.
I've brought you something.
Insider coupons.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my SAM: They're not for the Montecito, but they're good everywhere else.
I need you to be cool.
Not until I leave, okay? STAN: We've heard rumours about insider coupons but we were sure it was just another urban discount legend.
[Whispering.]
Well, trust me, it's not.
You two cannot tell anybody We won't.
I gave you these.
It has to be our little secret.
- You have our word.
- Absolutely.
Okay, it's fine.
- Thank you so - I'm not gonna say it again.
[Rhythmic music playing.]
Oh, my God! [Chortling excitedly.]
TAMMl: So what's it like being Montecito's in-house ho? MARY: What? I beg your pardon? Excuse me.
"Call girl.
" I'm not a call girl.
I'm the casino's special events coordinator.
Don't play cute with me.
You're after Lloyd's money.
I saw you two on TV.
- You were all over him.
- I was doing my job.
Can't blame you, really.
There's something about Lloyd.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
NURSE: I'm sorry.
I don't have any record of a Lloyd Campbell being sent to the morgue.
It would have been a couple hours ago.
Maybe it's not in the system yet? No.
Not a single patient has expired here in the last 24 hours.
That's impossible.
Okay.
Well, could you call the doctor who signed this? Yeah, he's right there.
Dr.
Barnes? I'm Dr.
Barnes.
What can I do for you? That's not him.
He [Tense instrumental music.]
You're not him.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Missing money, a missing body and a missing doctor.
Maybe someone figured out how to take it with them.
DANNY: How's everything here? What's a worse death? Drowning or being burned alive? That bad? Can I get you a hug? [Classical music playing.]
[Door closes.]
[Sam clears her throat.]
Mrs.
Campbell? [Murmurs questioningly.]
SAM: We'll need to talk to you.
I just came back from the hospital.
And this is gonna sound strange, but your husband's body is missing.
DANNY: And the guy who was posing as the doctor is also missing.
Any response at all to that, or no? TAMMl: Which hospital? DANNY: County Memorial.
TAMMl: What did this missing doctor look like? A little goatee, sort of medium height, kind of gawky.
That would be Lloyd's old gambling buddy, Doc.
- Doc? - His name is Calvin Haines.
He was kicked out of med school for selling cadavers to pay off his gambling debts.
TAMMl: If Doc's down to his last nickel, he'll put it in a slot.
Anyway, he works as an orderly there.
And guess what? Lloyd works there, too, as a janitor.
- He told us he was unemployed.
- Might as well be for what he brings home.
- Any idea where this Doc might live? - What difference would that make? [Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Crickets chirping.]
Having an out-of-body experience there, Lloyd? Well, if it's not Charley and my lying, cheating slut of a wife! I want my money.
It's not your money.
It's mine! I haven't even seen you in over a month! Maybe if you'd come around a bit more.
Yeah? And why should I do that? So I can catch you banging some jagweed with a four-pack of wine coolers and a carton of generic menthols? TAMMl: Watch the potty mouth.
DANNY: Would you both shut up? Lloyd, it's your money.
Why would you run? You've been hanging out with her.
Would you wanna share a big score with that? I'll tell you something else.
She tricked me.
I didn't even wanna marry her.
She starts shaking that money maker around and it's liable to make a man do some ignorant things.
Tricked you? You begged me.
LLOYD: Is that how you remember it? TAMMl: That's it! I want you dead! Hey, hey! LLOYD: See what I'm talking DANNY: You sit.
Sit.
DANNY: Lloyd, please.
So, why would you fake your own death? Because you guys made me a big news story.
I couldn't even get out of the casino let alone Las Vegas, without the whole world knowing about it.
I called Doc, and we put our heads together.
Dork number one meets dork number two.
[Scoffing.]
We cut in the ambulance jockeys for a taste.
We were responsible for the rest.
I figure we hole up here, we settle down wait for the hubbub to blow over, and then scoot.
Doc's down gassing up the car right now.
- You let him leave with the money? - What do you think I am, new? LLOYD: No! Erectile enhancers! No! No! BETTE: Did your father ever tell you that for his 11th birthday we took him to Bayreuth to see the entire Ring cycle? - Wow, how fun.
- Yeah, it was a great treat.
He pouted the entire time.
He was always a great pouter.
Wrinkles, Edward, wrinkles.
Look, Mum, what I was trying to say back there.
I was trying to ask I was just wondering if you were having a good time is all.
You know, something that I ate at that strange little restaurant I think, has upset me.
Are you okay, Grandma? Yes.
But I think just a little glass of sherry might just settle my stomach.
I know just the place.
There's somewhere special I wanna show you.
DELINDA: In you go.
See, this is what I mean.
I just can't seem to make her happy.
You know what I'm saying? Don't worry, Daddy.
She loves you very much just the way you are.
She just has trouble showing it.
Right.
All right.
Get in the car.
Yeah.
Dad, why don't you catch a cab? 'Cause Grandma and I need some girl time, okay? Don't wait up.
DELINDA: Thanks, Mike.
[Car door closes.]
ED: Let me know where they wind up.
And do me a big favour.
Take the smile off your face.
[Mike laughing.]
[Cell phone ringing.]
Yeah.
Hey, it's Danny.
Listen.
You're not gonna believe this, but Lloyd faked his own death to cut the missus out of her share.
I guess he's not as dumb as he looks.
DANNY: But the money's still missing.
ED: So? Who cares? It's not our problem.
Mystery solved, right? Ed, look, I know that these guys are idiots, but they're our idiots.
Excuse me.
What does that mean, exactly? They're locals.
So.
All right.
Go ahead.
Help the local idiots.
Then get your ass back to work.
How's that? All right.
NESSA: Where've you been? DANNY: Waking the dead.
Yeah, I heard Lloyd made a miraculous recovery.
I got him and his ex-widow parked upstairs right now.
DANNY: Got Mary riding shotgun.
NESSA: Sounds like a plum gig.
DANNY: [Laughing.]
How's everything going here? It's really quiet.
- How about Sam's whale? - He's been circling the tables for hours but he hasn't even nibbled at the bait.
Danny, do you believe that certain people deserve each other? DANNY: You wanna talk about us now? MARY: Not us, Danny, them.
- Are they gonna kill each other? - You say that like it's a bad thing.
[Danny sighs heavily.]
It's like the men's room at a crowded ball game.
- Trust me, you don't wanna go in.
- Thanks.
LLOYD: What are you doing? [Tammi grunting.]
LLOYD: No! [Tammi moaning.]
DANNY: Hey! LLOYD: That's good! I see you two are working things out.
LLOYD: Hey, Charley! Check this out, man! I'm on fuego! [Yelling excitedly.]
DANNY: Okay.
Look.
Okay, I talked to Metro and Traffic Control.
They're looking for your friend Doc.
I just need some help.
Okay.
Do you have any idea where he might be? [Murmuring.]
No, I got nothing.
What a surprise.
Okay, you said he's got a gambling problem, right? Yeah.
And that if he had any money at all, he'd gamble it away.
LLOYD: Yeah.
DANNY: What's his poison? - What? - His What game does he like to play? TAMMl: Poker.
LLOYD: True that.
The man cannot pass up a game of Texas Hold'em.
He plays like old people screw, slow and bad.
But he can't resist it.
Come on, darling.
[Lloyd whooping.]
LLOYD: Come here.
All right.
Well, you guys, you stay put.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
DANNY: We need to find this guy before he makes off with the money.
DANNY: It makes the Montecito look bad.
Or me.
ED: A little late for that, aren't you, pal? Hey, how was the opera? The opera.
It was great.
Don Giovanni and I both ended up in hell.
What about the doc? We've checked every high-stakes poker game in town, including the back-room stuff.
Vegas or not, $1 million is a hard secret to keep, so ED: Right.
What else? - Well, Sam's whale's missing.
- Potential whale.
And, one other thing.
There's a report that there's a floating crap game in one of the rooms.
ED: In my hotel? DANNY: Yeah.
Like bringing a hooker to the Chicken Ranch.
What is it doing in the hotel? We're trying to figure out.
Maybe they're playing on credit.
I don't want the Gaming Commission to get wind of this.
Find out where they are.
I'm scrolling through the cameras looking for unusual foot traffic.
ED: Great.
To tell you the truth, this has been one huge pain-in-the-ass night.
Huge.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Oh, good.
I'm sure this is good news.
Somebody wants to give me some.
Yeah, Mike? What? [Women cheering.]
Sorry for the phone call, but you said you wanted to know where they were going.
Where the heck are they? [Rhythmic dance music playing.]
MIKE: [Laughing.]
It's an all-male revue.
[Women laughing.]
MIKE AND ED: Whoa! MIKE: Everybody, back the other way.
ED: You can't come out here.
Let's go.
- Arriba, baby! Arriba! - Great.
Oh, Edward, isn't this wonderful? [Bette whoops.]
Your mum is a riot.
I can see where Delinda got it from.
It must have skipped a generation.
DELINDA: Come on, Daddy.
Dance with me.
ED: I don't dance.
ED: Let's go back inside, please! MIKE: Folks, we gotta take you back inside.
[Laughing heartily.]
SAM: What are you doing here? A lot of people coming up on this floor maybe for a crap game.
And you? SAM: I was told that whatever Palmer charged to his room is being delivered to this floor.
STAN: Come on, everybody.
Place your bets.
HELEN: Everybody's a winner.
HELEN: Our Walt is on a roll! Come on.
- Eighter from Decatur.
- Roll them! [All cheering.]
DANNY: Excuse me.
Excuse me! DANNY: You can't do this.
HELEN: Hi.
You're in violation of Nevada's state law and I'm gonna have to confiscate your wagers immediately.
I'm gonna ask you to leave the premises.
- No, this isn't illegal.
- No way.
STAN: We're just having fun with coupons.
WALT: Yeah.
- Right, Walt-o-matic? - Exactamundo, Stanley.
STAN: See, right after Sam gave us the insider coupons in Mystique we met the Waltman here and started talking about coupons, and We just hit it off right away.
And after a few drinks, Stan bet Mr.
Palmer a stack of coupons that he could guess his weight, which is his speciality.
- 187.
- Got you.
Yeah.
Anyway, so one thing led to another, and here we are.
- Mr.
Palmer? - Yeah? SAM: Excuse me.
STAN: Sure.
SAM: Could l WALT: Yeah.
Listen, this is fine.
This is no problem.
I'm happy you're getting the hang of things up here.
I think you'll enjoy the real action down in the casino, don't you? Frankly, no.
I'm just not a gambling man.
Except for the millions you risk every day in the market, sir.
No, you see, I put my money in good, solid companies that I know.
But listen, thank you very much for everything.
- I think they need a shooter.
- Mr.
Palmer.
WOMAN: Here he comes.
WALT: Pardon me.
It's all right.
WALT: Are you ready for another one? STAN: Hey, Sam? You look a little pale.
HELEN: [Laughing.]
Now, we've got just the thing for you.
A free session at the Midnight Sun Tanning Salon on Rainbow Drive.
[Cell phone ringing.]
[Stan meowing.]
Yeah.
Hey, Ed, I thought you still might be at the strip show.
You know what, kid? You're lucky I'm too tired to come over there and kill you.
By the way, I think I found Doc.
Some guy matching his description showed up at some high-stakes poker game.
Some card room downtown called Doc Holliday's.
DANNY: I'll take Lloyd and Tammi with me to make sure we got the right guy.
Hey, you think your guy Doc goes to Doc Holliday's because he thinks it'll bring him luck? No.
I think he went there 'cause he's a moron.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
I think you're bluffing.
You looking at me? I'm all in.
DEALER: The gentleman calls.
He's all in.
Full boat, my friend.
Kings over tens.
Good for you.
Good for you.
On the river, too.
Lucky.
Lucky guy.
I'd like to see you try that three times in a row.
More chips.
[Player chuckling.]
DOC: What? We're gonna go about this very quietly.
And would you quit poking me? [Whispering.]
I'm sorry.
This thing won't go away.
Doc, you worthless piece of crap! [Both shouting.]
DOC: Are you crazy? Get off of me! LLOYD: Hey, nobody shoves my girl! That's my angel! DANNY: Guys, stop that.
Come on.
Don't hurt each other.
DOC: He called her a ball-busting bitch! DANNY: Okay.
DOC: Remember? DANNY: Let's go back to the Montecito.
LLOYD: Apologise to her now or I'll kill you! DANNY: Be nice.
Tammi, I'm sorry.
I love you.
What? You did him, too? [Tammi mutters indistinctly.]
[Fast-paced instrumental music continues.]
My money! [Car horn blaring.]
That ought to make you feel better.
Yeah.
That makes it an even 11 cups.
How are the lovebirds doing? Darling.
Just darling.
They're back at the suite.
It's amazing what $1 million and a bag full of stiffies will do for a marriage.
ED: Wait a second, now.
Isn't that ED: Those blue bombers must work fast 'cause she looks to be about, what, seven months pregnant, give or take [Tense instrumental music.]
- Out for a late-night walk? - I just thought I'd go get some ice cream.
- Why didn't you just order room service? - That's okay.
I'll go myself.
You're looking a little chunky there, Tammi.
I feel a little bloated.
It must be the caviar.
Plus, I'm PMSing, so PMSing? Aren't you pregnant? [People cheering.]
I'll give you $100,000 if you just look the other way.
We'd better see what Lloyd thinks about that.
Come on.
Let's go tell him.
[Door lock beeps.]
[Tense instrumental music.]
Listen, I can explain.
I know you think that I can LLOYD: Hey, are you back with the ice cream already? Charley, is that you? [Lloyd chuckles.]
[Lloyd groaning.]
- You come any closer, I'll jump.
- Please jump.
- What? - You just don't get it, do you? Lloyd, it's your money, but the hotel is mine.
Now, please, get out.
What's to stop him from bailing with the cash the minute I turn my back? Yeah? And what's to stop her from doing the exact same thing? I got an idea! Why don't you just split it? Even Steven.
- What, like 50-50? - Yeah.
LLOYD: I get half and she gets half? DANNY: Yes.
[Sighs.]
- You wanna do that? - Okay.
Deal.
That's where she kept the money! [Lloyd exclaims triumphantly.]
- See what I have to put up with.
- Now get out! Hey! Hey, you cheating bastards, where's my cut? [Wind whistling.]
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
[Jazzy pop song.]
WOMAN: My God, it's raining money! MAN: This is the greatest! [Phones ringing.]
DANNY: These phones are ringing off the hook.
ED: Thanks.
DANNY: You're welcome.
This turned into a nice little publicity stunt for us.
Yeah.
You could not buy publicity like this.
You know what the truth is? Since it really wasn't our money, we didn't.
I'm guessing they'll be talking about this for years.
DANNY: How's your mum? ED: She's, you know, she's great.
She got carried away last night, but maybe it runs in the family.
Absolutely.
- Ed? - Yeah? Your mother's down at the Bella Sera.
She wants you to come down.
- Want me to go with you? - Please.
[Upbeat Latin music playing.]
ED: Hey.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Edward, I'd like you to meet my lover, Guillermo.
[Guillermo speaking Spanish.]
He manages the South of the Border Revue at Mystique.
And his English needs a little work, but, boy, can he dance.
I'll bet.
[Speaking Spanish.]
GUILLERMO: Of course.
ED: Gracias.
ED: Mum.
What are you doing? All right.
ED: Mum, I don't know how to say this.
- Have you thought this through? - What's to think about? I'm 84 years old.
He makes me happy.
At least he's older than you.
Okay.
Listen, I'll run just a little background check on him.
You do and I'll never speak to you again.
Edward, I know what you're thinking, but it's been 15 years since your father died.
Now, if anything happens to you wouldn't you want Jillian to be happy? Of course.
It's just that I wish that I could make you happy.
Edward, darling, you manage this magnificent place.
BETTE: When will you ever learn? That is not your job.
Guillermo, come on, my love.
[Laughs playfully.]
Somewhere in this town there's a tango waiting for us.
[People cheering.]
Edward! NEWSCASTER: [On TV.]
In the most amazing publicity stunt Las Vegas has ever seen last night the Montecito Hotel & Casino literally blew $1 million out the window.
Cheering crowds raced down The Strip trying to collect the loot as it floated to earth.
There were numerous accidents reported more than 100 disorderly conduct arrests and at least one heart attack.
But, hey, I got mine.
Only in Las Vegas.
[Upbeat pop song.]
WOMAN: Come on! Come on! [Woman exclaiming in disappointment.]
CROUPIER: Two, craps in the field, high and away.
You, you're a cooler! The casino brings them in here to ice me.
What's in your tank, Freon, cooler? Cooler? I'm a retired orthodontist.
Back, spawn of Satan! Let me show you how this works.
It's a $10 minimum, sir.
I got it.
Can I have a $10 chip? Here.
It's a Rolex.
All right.
It's a fakey, but it's worth at least $10.
Come on.
- Is there a problem here? - Yeah, the gentleman's had enough.
[Chuckling.]
I guess I'll just take my action elsewhere.
SAM: I need you to be on the lookout for my potential whale, Walton Palmer.
He runs a Wall Street hedge fund.
Gambles billions in the stock market.
I'm gonna get him interested in some civilised forms of wagering.
[Laughing.]
And just how did you lure him here? By way of my substantial charms.
And the Montecito jet, limo and complimentary villa.
Yeah, that, too.
Oh, my God, hide me.
Hide you from who? HELEN: Sam! Sam Marquez! It's us! Stan and Helen Putasca from Waukegan.
Remember? Of course.
How could I forget? [Helen and Stan laughing.]
STAN: Oh, sure! SAM: Hi! HELEN: It's good to see you.
SAM: Yes.
Welcome to the Montecito.
Thank you so much.
We didn't know you were working here now.
Surprise! Well, Sam, it's our anniversary, and it is time to splurge.
It may be safer to keep your money in your room.
Each one has its own safe.
[Both chuckling.]
STAN: Hey, Sam.
Time to feed the kitty.
- Coupons.
- Exactamundo.
Stan and Helen are the king and queen of coupons.
Well, Vegas is the biggest travel bargain on the planet but you gotta know how to work it, baby.
STAN: Isn't that right, Sam? SAM: Yes.
We did our entire wedding reception for 90 people at her last casino on nothing but two-fors and freebies.
- Wow.
- Yes, they did.
This trip, our goal is to do the entire weekend without spending a penny.
- Isn't that great? - Yeah.
STAN: How about it, Sam? [Meowing.]
Feed me.
Give me coupons.
[Upbeat pop song continues.]
[Bells ringing.]
[Siren blaring.]
LLOYD: Holy frijole! I just won $1 million! I just won $1 million! [Whooping.]
[Theme music.]
I'm Ed Deline.
I'm President of Operations.
Congratulations.
- Lloyd.
- Lloyd.
Mary.
Yes? Would you see to it that Mr.
Lloyd gets whatever he needs? I'll make arrangements for the cheque.
No cheques.
I want cash.
Lloyd, I'm really sorry, but we reserve the right to decide form of payment.
[Mary clears her throat.]
What? He's a local.
We'll pay him cash.
It'll double our publicity.
Our slots will be packed.
Okay, we'll make it happen.
- Cash.
- Cash.
We understand each other.
Thank you.
Do me a favour, would you? Keep your eye on this guy here.
It's gonna be one of those days.
BETTE: Edward Melvin Deline! Melvin? You know her? She's my mother.
This is all comped, including room tax, right? MIKE: We spotted him at regular check-in.
SAM: What's he doing there? Don't know.
One of my guys offered to take his bags he said he doesn't hand out tips for nothing.
MIKE: Doesn't sound like a whale to me.
SAM: We'll see.
- Mr.
Palmer.
- Yeah? - Hello.
I'm Samantha Marquez.
- Yeah.
Of course.
- Thanks for sending the jet.
- Of course.
Certainly not the way I'd run a business, but Would you like me to walk you over here to VIP services? Joey's gonna grab your bag.
Joey.
JOEY: Yes, ma'am.
SAM: Complimentary, of course.
SAM: Gratuities included.
Okay, let's go.
ED: Mr.
Campbell, on behalf of the Montecito Hotel I'd like to present you with your winnings.
I'd like to show the folks, those of you who haven't seen $1 million before, well, that's what it looks like.
Please remember that the Montecito Hotel is the hotel of the $1 million cash payday.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
NEWSCASTER: [On TV.]
This time it's one of our own.
The newest millionaire in Las Vegas is local resident, Lloyd Campbell.
TAMMl: Lloyd? MAN: Lloyd, where? You sneaky son of a bitch, I hope you frigging die! [Rock instrumental music.]
For your own safety I suggest you get this money to a bank as soon as possible.
- I can escort you there.
- Who's the Clyde? "The Clyde"? This is Danny McCoy, my right-hand man.
In exchange for a few interviews, we'd like to offer you a complimentary suite.
MARY: Anything you want, just ask.
Damn, I think I like being rich already.
Let's get that money tucked away first.
- No way.
- Excuse me? Did I stutter? She says I can have anything I want.
What I want is to sleep with my money.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I guess since it is your money, you can do with it what you like.
- Damn skippy.
- Right.
Skippy.
First, you'll have to sign this release holding the Montecito and its employees harmless in regard to your winnings.
- What if I don't want to? - What if I'm not asking? Thank you.
- Can I see the suite now? - Right this way.
LLOYD: Cool.
[Lloyd chuckles.]
ED: What a pleasant surprise.
Finally, you've come.
Edward, you are a horrible liar.
I don't know how you ever made it as a spy.
[Light instrumental music playing.]
Danny.
This is Danny McCoy, Mum.
This is my mother, Bette.
- Hi.
- Danny.
What a pleasure it is to meet you.
The pretty boy whom Delinda dated and dumped.
No, she didn't dump me.
It was more of a mutual thing.
I pictured you as more muscular.
- You said, Bette Deline? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
It's just there's an expression at the craps table that's BETTE: Yes, Danny, I know.
ED: Anyway, Mum you still haven't told me why you're here.
I came here to this vice-ridden den of inequity because my son and granddaughter live here.
And if I didn't come to see them, I would never, ever see them.
DELINDA: Grandma! BETTE: Darling! [Bette exclaiming happily.]
Oh, my! How beautiful you are! - I get it from you.
- Oh, you! You knew that she was coming? Grandma called me to tell me she was flying in.
That's very nice.
Why would you neglect to tell me? I thought you knew.
Don't you have eyes and ears everywhere? That's very funny.
Where's your mother? Strangest thing, after Grandma called Mum suddenly remembered she had some really important shopping to do in Budapest.
Edward, would you please see to my luggage? And I trust I'm staying at your house? Mum, just wouldn't you be a lot more comfortable in a nice suite? Okay, I'll take care of everything.
Come on, Grandma.
We have so much to catch up on.
- Thank you, dear.
- Okay.
Wow, your mother's in town.
That must be exciting.
Yeah.
LLOYD: [Whooping.]
Check out this room! [Lloyd laughing.]
MARY: Well, Mr.
Campbell LLOYD: It's Lloyd.
Lloyd, I have a couple of interviews and a photo session set up for later this evening.
Shouldn't take more than an hour.
Anything for you, cupcake.
[Chuckles.]
A good, firm grip there, darling.
MARY: All right.
Wow.
Okay.
My name's Mary.
Mary Connell.
LLOYD: As you like it.
DANNY: Mr.
Campbell your room will be under 24-hour protection.
But, you should reconsider putting that money in a bank.
What's the matter, Charley? You afraid you can't handle it? [Whoops.]
[Laughs.]
DANNY: It's Danny.
LLOYD: Yeah, whatever.
- You get free phone sex on this thing? - No.
No, it doesn't.
MARY: But there is a wide variety of guest services where you can ring for a personal butler.
I've also left my cell phone number in case there's any problems.
I think I might have one of them percolating up right now.
- Yeah, what's that? - A breakfast burrito.
I think I need to test the gold-plated plumbing.
[Lloyd groans.]
All right.
I'll just have housekeeping send up some potpourri.
DANNY: You're such a pal.
MARY: Yeah.
[Chuckling.]
Don't forget.
You promised that you and Sam were gonna help with Ed's mum.
It's really important to him that his mum has a good time.
MARY: Don't worry, Danny.
LLOYD: Yeah! You okay there, Lloyd? LLOYD: That's Lloyd like 'rhoid, baby! I got you reservations at the French-Cuban restaurant that you love, Chez Guevara.
And also, I got you tickets for the netsuke exhibition at the Japanese Cultural Center.
- Netsuke? - Everyone's talking about it.
And I got you tickets for Don Giovanni tonight.
Wait.
That's an opera.
I gotta wear a tux.
It's sold out for weeks.
Well, I wanna thank you both from the bottom of my heart and I promise you I will not forget it.
Do you mind me asking why you're so nervous about your mum being here? - Yes.
- Okay.
ED: How's Joe Millionaire doing? MAN: Mr.
Deline.
He's making himself right at home.
The publicity's been great.
Slots are packed.
Well, good.
Just as long as he's out of the hotel him and his money, by tomorrow.
And again What can I say to you two? Thank you so much.
Really, okay? You're welcome.
ED: Really.
Never, ever forget it.
[Girls giggling.]
[Ed sighs.]
ED: Danny.
DANNY: Yeah? How's it going up there? DANNY: I had to leave the room.
My eyes started watering.
What's up? If you need any help, you know, I could stick around.
You wouldn't wanna miss that netsuke exhibit, would you, Ed? ED: Yeah.
All right.
I'm going.
[Screaming.]
[Groaning in pain.]
Something's wrong! [Groaning.]
LLOYD: My chest.
I can't breathe.
DANNY: Hey.
Call the paramedics.
LLOYD: My money! My money! Don't let them take my money! Don't worry, Lloyd.
We've already locked down your suite, okay? DANNY: Just breathe.
LLOYD: Freaking casinos! DANNY: Get him in there, fellows.
LLOYD: It's just my luck.
This one's a double-payout coupon on any $5 bet, no restrictions.
- Which we're adding to this one.
- This coupon must be five years old.
See an expiration date? Didn't think so.
- So you bet $5 to win $40? - Exactamundo.
We're on our way to Easy Street.
Come on, sister.
Make it happen.
[Exclaims excitedly.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
I'm here to see the man they just brought in from the Montecito, Lloyd Campbell.
Sir, I'm Dr.
Barnes.
I'm afraid you're too late.
What? He's dead.
I'm sorry.
[Suspenseful instrumental music continues.]
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
BETTE: When he was a freshman in high school he was so small and so skinny that he put soup cans in his pockets to make weight for the wrestling team.
[Danny and Mary laughing.]
MARY: Oh, my God, I love it! MARY: What was he like when he was little? BETTE: Well, when he was three, we called him Binky.
Binky? [Both laughing hysterically.]
His father and I took him to Radio City Music Hall to see Peter Pan.
And when it was over I asked him what he thought of it, and he had just one question ED: Yeah, "What was Captain Hook's name before he lost his hand?" [Clearing throat.]
He used to be a brilliant little boy.
God knows what's happened to him since then.
Mum, can I just speak to you for one second, please? [Bette clears her throat.]
You're not angry, are you? Mum, I spent years trying to earn the respect of my employees.
Now you show up.
It's just that I try to keep my personal and my business life separate.
- Do you understand? - But they love you, you know.
You're changing the subject.
[Sighing.]
Why can't I talk about my son? I hardly ever see you.
Well, Mum, maybe this is why.
Edward, honey, this is Las Vegas.
You gotta lighten up.
Now, I'm going to change for dinner.
BETTE: Goodbye, everybody.
MARY: Bye.
You know, if one of you say a word, you're fired.
- Excuse me.
Are you Mr.
Deline? - Yeah.
- I'm looking for Lloyd Campbell.
- Yeah? - The million-dollar winner.
- Yeah? I'm his wife.
[Sober instrumental music.]
ED: Sorry to keep you waiting.
You mind? So, apparently he had a fatal coronary.
TAMMl: A heart attack? ED: Yeah.
He's 29 freaking years old.
These things are rare, but apparently they happen.
Maybe it was the excitement of winning.
I told him to stop buttering everything.
Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
If there's anything we can do for you Where's my money? DANNY: Okay, the money's in here, safe and secure.
TAMMl: At least you guys did something right.
Thank you.
You do understand we're gonna have to hold on to this money until you get your legal issues ironed out, right? Yeah.
I wanna see it.
TAMMl: Where is it? He said he wanted to sleep with it.
I'm guessing the bedroom.
[Classical music playing.]
TAMMl: It's gone.
[Laughing mockingly.]
Ed, nobody's been in this room since we took him away.
I don't I want my money! Give me my money! HELEN: Okay, this one.
This is good for a free slot pull and French lessons at Paris.
HELEN: No expiration date on that.
STAN: That's a good one.
NESSA: Hi.
STAN: Hi.
What's going on here? We're just showing some of the new folks how to save a buck or two in this town.
I don't have to tell you Vegas can get pretty pricey, so Yeah.
Would you come with me a minute? - Sure.
- Sure.
NESSA: Sam, I need you in Mystique now.
STAN: We love Sam.
- So, how's it going? - I'm working on it.
ED: Boy, oh, boy.
How do you suppose we explain to the press that not only did we lose our newest millionaire but we also lost his money? - How not good is this? - Very, very not good.
DANNY: All right.
Now, screen back to live.
Besides Mary and I, nobody entered the room.
- What do we tell the press? - They don't know yet? - I don't think so.
- That's good.
That's good.
Do we know for sure this is the dead guy's wife? Yeah, positive.
I checked it out.
Okay, look, you take Mrs.
Campbell upstairs, and you keep her occupied.
- Don't let her talk to anybody.
- How do I do that? I don't know.
You mourn over some mimosas or something.
And you, you get your ass out there and find the money.
DANNY: All right.
I'll check the hospital.
ED: There you go.
That's good.
Because if the money was not in the suite, it had to go out in the body.
Probably in some kind of money belt.
ED: There you go.
So, great.
You two go and I'll just check the different angles on the cameras in the suite.
Maybe we missed something, right? Let me get this straight.
You're gonna stay here? - Yeah, right.
- No.
You're gonna go to the opera with your mother.
You're telling me what to do? I'm gonna go baby-sit Miss Congeniality in Dead Lloyd's suite.
And you, you're gonna spend some time with your mum, Mr.
President.
What's the matter with you? Do you realise how lucky you are? Do you realise that woman is 100 pounds of pain in the ass? I would give everything that I own just to have my mother back for one day.
Will you excuse me? Mike, it's Danny.
Make sure Ed gets in a limo.
Thanks.
- I've never seen him like this before.
- Poor Binky.
Yeah.
Listen, as much as I admire their dedication to the discount cause can you explain to them there's a time and place for everything? - Yeah, that's what I'm about to do.
- What, by giving them more crappy coupons? It's not about what you give.
It's how you give it.
[Laughing.]
They're not gonna bother us on the rest of their trip.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi, Sam.
She seemed peeved.
STAN: We were just trying to have a little fun.
On the plus side, we've already had three two-for-one Mai Tais.
- Yeah.
- Please.
[Whispering.]
I need you two to promise me that you are not gonna tell anybody about this.
I've brought you something.
Insider coupons.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my SAM: They're not for the Montecito, but they're good everywhere else.
I need you to be cool.
Not until I leave, okay? STAN: We've heard rumours about insider coupons but we were sure it was just another urban discount legend.
[Whispering.]
Well, trust me, it's not.
You two cannot tell anybody We won't.
I gave you these.
It has to be our little secret.
- You have our word.
- Absolutely.
Okay, it's fine.
- Thank you so - I'm not gonna say it again.
[Rhythmic music playing.]
Oh, my God! [Chortling excitedly.]
TAMMl: So what's it like being Montecito's in-house ho? MARY: What? I beg your pardon? Excuse me.
"Call girl.
" I'm not a call girl.
I'm the casino's special events coordinator.
Don't play cute with me.
You're after Lloyd's money.
I saw you two on TV.
- You were all over him.
- I was doing my job.
Can't blame you, really.
There's something about Lloyd.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
NURSE: I'm sorry.
I don't have any record of a Lloyd Campbell being sent to the morgue.
It would have been a couple hours ago.
Maybe it's not in the system yet? No.
Not a single patient has expired here in the last 24 hours.
That's impossible.
Okay.
Well, could you call the doctor who signed this? Yeah, he's right there.
Dr.
Barnes? I'm Dr.
Barnes.
What can I do for you? That's not him.
He [Tense instrumental music.]
You're not him.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Missing money, a missing body and a missing doctor.
Maybe someone figured out how to take it with them.
DANNY: How's everything here? What's a worse death? Drowning or being burned alive? That bad? Can I get you a hug? [Classical music playing.]
[Door closes.]
[Sam clears her throat.]
Mrs.
Campbell? [Murmurs questioningly.]
SAM: We'll need to talk to you.
I just came back from the hospital.
And this is gonna sound strange, but your husband's body is missing.
DANNY: And the guy who was posing as the doctor is also missing.
Any response at all to that, or no? TAMMl: Which hospital? DANNY: County Memorial.
TAMMl: What did this missing doctor look like? A little goatee, sort of medium height, kind of gawky.
That would be Lloyd's old gambling buddy, Doc.
- Doc? - His name is Calvin Haines.
He was kicked out of med school for selling cadavers to pay off his gambling debts.
TAMMl: If Doc's down to his last nickel, he'll put it in a slot.
Anyway, he works as an orderly there.
And guess what? Lloyd works there, too, as a janitor.
- He told us he was unemployed.
- Might as well be for what he brings home.
- Any idea where this Doc might live? - What difference would that make? [Upbeat instrumental music.]
[Crickets chirping.]
Having an out-of-body experience there, Lloyd? Well, if it's not Charley and my lying, cheating slut of a wife! I want my money.
It's not your money.
It's mine! I haven't even seen you in over a month! Maybe if you'd come around a bit more.
Yeah? And why should I do that? So I can catch you banging some jagweed with a four-pack of wine coolers and a carton of generic menthols? TAMMl: Watch the potty mouth.
DANNY: Would you both shut up? Lloyd, it's your money.
Why would you run? You've been hanging out with her.
Would you wanna share a big score with that? I'll tell you something else.
She tricked me.
I didn't even wanna marry her.
She starts shaking that money maker around and it's liable to make a man do some ignorant things.
Tricked you? You begged me.
LLOYD: Is that how you remember it? TAMMl: That's it! I want you dead! Hey, hey! LLOYD: See what I'm talking DANNY: You sit.
Sit.
DANNY: Lloyd, please.
So, why would you fake your own death? Because you guys made me a big news story.
I couldn't even get out of the casino let alone Las Vegas, without the whole world knowing about it.
I called Doc, and we put our heads together.
Dork number one meets dork number two.
[Scoffing.]
We cut in the ambulance jockeys for a taste.
We were responsible for the rest.
I figure we hole up here, we settle down wait for the hubbub to blow over, and then scoot.
Doc's down gassing up the car right now.
- You let him leave with the money? - What do you think I am, new? LLOYD: No! Erectile enhancers! No! No! BETTE: Did your father ever tell you that for his 11th birthday we took him to Bayreuth to see the entire Ring cycle? - Wow, how fun.
- Yeah, it was a great treat.
He pouted the entire time.
He was always a great pouter.
Wrinkles, Edward, wrinkles.
Look, Mum, what I was trying to say back there.
I was trying to ask I was just wondering if you were having a good time is all.
You know, something that I ate at that strange little restaurant I think, has upset me.
Are you okay, Grandma? Yes.
But I think just a little glass of sherry might just settle my stomach.
I know just the place.
There's somewhere special I wanna show you.
DELINDA: In you go.
See, this is what I mean.
I just can't seem to make her happy.
You know what I'm saying? Don't worry, Daddy.
She loves you very much just the way you are.
She just has trouble showing it.
Right.
All right.
Get in the car.
Yeah.
Dad, why don't you catch a cab? 'Cause Grandma and I need some girl time, okay? Don't wait up.
DELINDA: Thanks, Mike.
[Car door closes.]
ED: Let me know where they wind up.
And do me a big favour.
Take the smile off your face.
[Mike laughing.]
[Cell phone ringing.]
Yeah.
Hey, it's Danny.
Listen.
You're not gonna believe this, but Lloyd faked his own death to cut the missus out of her share.
I guess he's not as dumb as he looks.
DANNY: But the money's still missing.
ED: So? Who cares? It's not our problem.
Mystery solved, right? Ed, look, I know that these guys are idiots, but they're our idiots.
Excuse me.
What does that mean, exactly? They're locals.
So.
All right.
Go ahead.
Help the local idiots.
Then get your ass back to work.
How's that? All right.
NESSA: Where've you been? DANNY: Waking the dead.
Yeah, I heard Lloyd made a miraculous recovery.
I got him and his ex-widow parked upstairs right now.
DANNY: Got Mary riding shotgun.
NESSA: Sounds like a plum gig.
DANNY: [Laughing.]
How's everything going here? It's really quiet.
- How about Sam's whale? - He's been circling the tables for hours but he hasn't even nibbled at the bait.
Danny, do you believe that certain people deserve each other? DANNY: You wanna talk about us now? MARY: Not us, Danny, them.
- Are they gonna kill each other? - You say that like it's a bad thing.
[Danny sighs heavily.]
It's like the men's room at a crowded ball game.
- Trust me, you don't wanna go in.
- Thanks.
LLOYD: What are you doing? [Tammi grunting.]
LLOYD: No! [Tammi moaning.]
DANNY: Hey! LLOYD: That's good! I see you two are working things out.
LLOYD: Hey, Charley! Check this out, man! I'm on fuego! [Yelling excitedly.]
DANNY: Okay.
Look.
Okay, I talked to Metro and Traffic Control.
They're looking for your friend Doc.
I just need some help.
Okay.
Do you have any idea where he might be? [Murmuring.]
No, I got nothing.
What a surprise.
Okay, you said he's got a gambling problem, right? Yeah.
And that if he had any money at all, he'd gamble it away.
LLOYD: Yeah.
DANNY: What's his poison? - What? - His What game does he like to play? TAMMl: Poker.
LLOYD: True that.
The man cannot pass up a game of Texas Hold'em.
He plays like old people screw, slow and bad.
But he can't resist it.
Come on, darling.
[Lloyd whooping.]
LLOYD: Come here.
All right.
Well, you guys, you stay put.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
DANNY: We need to find this guy before he makes off with the money.
DANNY: It makes the Montecito look bad.
Or me.
ED: A little late for that, aren't you, pal? Hey, how was the opera? The opera.
It was great.
Don Giovanni and I both ended up in hell.
What about the doc? We've checked every high-stakes poker game in town, including the back-room stuff.
Vegas or not, $1 million is a hard secret to keep, so ED: Right.
What else? - Well, Sam's whale's missing.
- Potential whale.
And, one other thing.
There's a report that there's a floating crap game in one of the rooms.
ED: In my hotel? DANNY: Yeah.
Like bringing a hooker to the Chicken Ranch.
What is it doing in the hotel? We're trying to figure out.
Maybe they're playing on credit.
I don't want the Gaming Commission to get wind of this.
Find out where they are.
I'm scrolling through the cameras looking for unusual foot traffic.
ED: Great.
To tell you the truth, this has been one huge pain-in-the-ass night.
Huge.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Oh, good.
I'm sure this is good news.
Somebody wants to give me some.
Yeah, Mike? What? [Women cheering.]
Sorry for the phone call, but you said you wanted to know where they were going.
Where the heck are they? [Rhythmic dance music playing.]
MIKE: [Laughing.]
It's an all-male revue.
[Women laughing.]
MIKE AND ED: Whoa! MIKE: Everybody, back the other way.
ED: You can't come out here.
Let's go.
- Arriba, baby! Arriba! - Great.
Oh, Edward, isn't this wonderful? [Bette whoops.]
Your mum is a riot.
I can see where Delinda got it from.
It must have skipped a generation.
DELINDA: Come on, Daddy.
Dance with me.
ED: I don't dance.
ED: Let's go back inside, please! MIKE: Folks, we gotta take you back inside.
[Laughing heartily.]
SAM: What are you doing here? A lot of people coming up on this floor maybe for a crap game.
And you? SAM: I was told that whatever Palmer charged to his room is being delivered to this floor.
STAN: Come on, everybody.
Place your bets.
HELEN: Everybody's a winner.
HELEN: Our Walt is on a roll! Come on.
- Eighter from Decatur.
- Roll them! [All cheering.]
DANNY: Excuse me.
Excuse me! DANNY: You can't do this.
HELEN: Hi.
You're in violation of Nevada's state law and I'm gonna have to confiscate your wagers immediately.
I'm gonna ask you to leave the premises.
- No, this isn't illegal.
- No way.
STAN: We're just having fun with coupons.
WALT: Yeah.
- Right, Walt-o-matic? - Exactamundo, Stanley.
STAN: See, right after Sam gave us the insider coupons in Mystique we met the Waltman here and started talking about coupons, and We just hit it off right away.
And after a few drinks, Stan bet Mr.
Palmer a stack of coupons that he could guess his weight, which is his speciality.
- 187.
- Got you.
Yeah.
Anyway, so one thing led to another, and here we are.
- Mr.
Palmer? - Yeah? SAM: Excuse me.
STAN: Sure.
SAM: Could l WALT: Yeah.
Listen, this is fine.
This is no problem.
I'm happy you're getting the hang of things up here.
I think you'll enjoy the real action down in the casino, don't you? Frankly, no.
I'm just not a gambling man.
Except for the millions you risk every day in the market, sir.
No, you see, I put my money in good, solid companies that I know.
But listen, thank you very much for everything.
- I think they need a shooter.
- Mr.
Palmer.
WOMAN: Here he comes.
WALT: Pardon me.
It's all right.
WALT: Are you ready for another one? STAN: Hey, Sam? You look a little pale.
HELEN: [Laughing.]
Now, we've got just the thing for you.
A free session at the Midnight Sun Tanning Salon on Rainbow Drive.
[Cell phone ringing.]
[Stan meowing.]
Yeah.
Hey, Ed, I thought you still might be at the strip show.
You know what, kid? You're lucky I'm too tired to come over there and kill you.
By the way, I think I found Doc.
Some guy matching his description showed up at some high-stakes poker game.
Some card room downtown called Doc Holliday's.
DANNY: I'll take Lloyd and Tammi with me to make sure we got the right guy.
Hey, you think your guy Doc goes to Doc Holliday's because he thinks it'll bring him luck? No.
I think he went there 'cause he's a moron.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
I think you're bluffing.
You looking at me? I'm all in.
DEALER: The gentleman calls.
He's all in.
Full boat, my friend.
Kings over tens.
Good for you.
Good for you.
On the river, too.
Lucky.
Lucky guy.
I'd like to see you try that three times in a row.
More chips.
[Player chuckling.]
DOC: What? We're gonna go about this very quietly.
And would you quit poking me? [Whispering.]
I'm sorry.
This thing won't go away.
Doc, you worthless piece of crap! [Both shouting.]
DOC: Are you crazy? Get off of me! LLOYD: Hey, nobody shoves my girl! That's my angel! DANNY: Guys, stop that.
Come on.
Don't hurt each other.
DOC: He called her a ball-busting bitch! DANNY: Okay.
DOC: Remember? DANNY: Let's go back to the Montecito.
LLOYD: Apologise to her now or I'll kill you! DANNY: Be nice.
Tammi, I'm sorry.
I love you.
What? You did him, too? [Tammi mutters indistinctly.]
[Fast-paced instrumental music continues.]
My money! [Car horn blaring.]
That ought to make you feel better.
Yeah.
That makes it an even 11 cups.
How are the lovebirds doing? Darling.
Just darling.
They're back at the suite.
It's amazing what $1 million and a bag full of stiffies will do for a marriage.
ED: Wait a second, now.
Isn't that ED: Those blue bombers must work fast 'cause she looks to be about, what, seven months pregnant, give or take [Tense instrumental music.]
- Out for a late-night walk? - I just thought I'd go get some ice cream.
- Why didn't you just order room service? - That's okay.
I'll go myself.
You're looking a little chunky there, Tammi.
I feel a little bloated.
It must be the caviar.
Plus, I'm PMSing, so PMSing? Aren't you pregnant? [People cheering.]
I'll give you $100,000 if you just look the other way.
We'd better see what Lloyd thinks about that.
Come on.
Let's go tell him.
[Door lock beeps.]
[Tense instrumental music.]
Listen, I can explain.
I know you think that I can LLOYD: Hey, are you back with the ice cream already? Charley, is that you? [Lloyd chuckles.]
[Lloyd groaning.]
- You come any closer, I'll jump.
- Please jump.
- What? - You just don't get it, do you? Lloyd, it's your money, but the hotel is mine.
Now, please, get out.
What's to stop him from bailing with the cash the minute I turn my back? Yeah? And what's to stop her from doing the exact same thing? I got an idea! Why don't you just split it? Even Steven.
- What, like 50-50? - Yeah.
LLOYD: I get half and she gets half? DANNY: Yes.
[Sighs.]
- You wanna do that? - Okay.
Deal.
That's where she kept the money! [Lloyd exclaims triumphantly.]
- See what I have to put up with.
- Now get out! Hey! Hey, you cheating bastards, where's my cut? [Wind whistling.]
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
[Jazzy pop song.]
WOMAN: My God, it's raining money! MAN: This is the greatest! [Phones ringing.]
DANNY: These phones are ringing off the hook.
ED: Thanks.
DANNY: You're welcome.
This turned into a nice little publicity stunt for us.
Yeah.
You could not buy publicity like this.
You know what the truth is? Since it really wasn't our money, we didn't.
I'm guessing they'll be talking about this for years.
DANNY: How's your mum? ED: She's, you know, she's great.
She got carried away last night, but maybe it runs in the family.
Absolutely.
- Ed? - Yeah? Your mother's down at the Bella Sera.
She wants you to come down.
- Want me to go with you? - Please.
[Upbeat Latin music playing.]
ED: Hey.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Edward, I'd like you to meet my lover, Guillermo.
[Guillermo speaking Spanish.]
He manages the South of the Border Revue at Mystique.
And his English needs a little work, but, boy, can he dance.
I'll bet.
[Speaking Spanish.]
GUILLERMO: Of course.
ED: Gracias.
ED: Mum.
What are you doing? All right.
ED: Mum, I don't know how to say this.
- Have you thought this through? - What's to think about? I'm 84 years old.
He makes me happy.
At least he's older than you.
Okay.
Listen, I'll run just a little background check on him.
You do and I'll never speak to you again.
Edward, I know what you're thinking, but it's been 15 years since your father died.
Now, if anything happens to you wouldn't you want Jillian to be happy? Of course.
It's just that I wish that I could make you happy.
Edward, darling, you manage this magnificent place.
BETTE: When will you ever learn? That is not your job.
Guillermo, come on, my love.
[Laughs playfully.]
Somewhere in this town there's a tango waiting for us.
[People cheering.]
Edward! NEWSCASTER: [On TV.]
In the most amazing publicity stunt Las Vegas has ever seen last night the Montecito Hotel & Casino literally blew $1 million out the window.
Cheering crowds raced down The Strip trying to collect the loot as it floated to earth.
There were numerous accidents reported more than 100 disorderly conduct arrests and at least one heart attack.
But, hey, I got mine.
Only in Las Vegas.