Mad About You s01e17 Episode Script

What is this bill, $200 for Pronto Video Repair? It's from when your sister borrowed my VCR - Speaking of which - Just write it off.
Next.
All right, now, about this one, I'm absolutely certain we can't deduct dinner at Empire Szechuan.
- Why not? We discussed work.
- We didn't discuss work.
We discussed my mother.
Remember, we got very heated, and they asked us to leave? - You don't recall this? - It's a legitimate deduction.
- How? - If I hadn't gotten this off my chest, I would've been stressed out the next day at work.
I wouldn't have been able to perform.
I would've cost the company money.
I could've gotten fired, gone on unemployment and cost the government thousands of dollars.
All right, I'll give it to you.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah I'm mad about you I look like Auntie Mame.
- What time is he picking you up? - We're meeting there at 8:00.
I have a really good feeling about this guy.
Maybe it'll last all the way through intermission.
Would you stop? I'm sorry Murray, buddy, but it is my business, because what you did makes you look very bad.
See, when you look bad, I look bad.
- What'd he do? - He knows what he did.
- He's a dog.
- He can't keep using that as an excuse.
What do you think? - I found another tax receipt.
- What for? For something deductible if it kills me.
Now this would look great on you.
- You think? - Yes, tell her.
- No, you're right.
It's too much.
- Not necessarily.
I'm telling you, we're going for a look here.
Sexy, but not slutty.
Interested, but not desperate.
- The Madonna/whore thing.
- Exactly.
- Hey, don't knock desperate and slutty.
- She's tried it.
- Oh, yeah.
- But, this guy may be different.
He's taking her to the Ice Capades.
Which guy is it? Is this the Cajun guy? - He wasn't Cajun.
- I thought he was Cajun.
He lied.
This is a new one.
She met him at the boat show.
- What were you doing at the boat show? - Working.
- Doing what? - Pointing at boats.
- He noticed her right away.
- Wait a second.
This guy owns a boat? - I like this one.
- I think it's a little too much.
- You wear it.
- That's different.
- How is that different? - I'm talking to my sister here.
I like it.
If I'm going to err, I'd rather err towards slutty.
Good for you.
Please, promise me you won't sleep with him on the first date.
- Oh, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
You always do.
I can't help it.
You know what they say What is that expression? - What expression? - You know, with the cow? - Cow? Oh, thanks.
- No.
- What? - Sleeping with the cow for free milk.
- I don't know.
- That's disgusting.
Will you tell her what men think when girls give in on the first date? Yippee? - I'm taking this dress.
- That's a very good choice.
- Have a good time.
- I will.
Of course you will, just not too good a time.
I'm telling you, I have a good feeling about this one.
- You think? - Yes.
Absolutely.
- Call me tomorrow.
Bye.
- I will.
Bye.
I'm worried.
Paul? - What the hell was that? - I don't know.
You up? - Yeah, what' going on? - She's sleeping with him.
Oh, would you stop it.
Please.
I'm serious.
My sister and I are very interconnected.
It's like a psychic bond.
She's having sex right now.
I can feel it.
How is it? I'm serious.
How can anyone have sex after Ice Capades? I would imagine because during the show it would be just too cold.
Can we go to sleep now, please? Hey, wait a second.
If you can feel it when she has sex, you know, this takes a huge burden off of me.
- When we were in high school - So, I'm up now.
You're up now.
When we were in high school, Lisa broke her toe in gym playing soccer 'cause she was wearing thongs Yes, I told her not to wear thongs.
I mean, it's Connecticut in December.
Anyway, I was in social studies class taking a pop quiz on the Boxer Rebellion two entire floors away, and at the exact moment she broke her toe, I got a sharp pain in my foot.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
- Was this by any chance December '76? - Yeah, why? Because that entire month, my toe was killing me.
- I could never figure out You don't think? - They're finished.
- They're finished? I just had this tremendous desire to smoke a cigarette.
Wait a second, did you just have an orgasm that I don't know about? - No.
Positive.
- Are you sure? You're not faking it in reverse, are you? - Why is my sister so dumb? - How is she dumb? She falls in love like it's dish night at the movies.
If they're not deadbeats, they're crazy.
If they're not crazy, they're married.
It they're not married, she's not interested.
What does that mean, dish night at the movies? People went to the movies, they gave them dishes.
- Why? - Because it was the depression.
I love how you know things.
She's always getting hurt.
I can't stand to see that happen.
- Oh, God.
- What? It's them again.
So soon? Good for him.
I think she's falling in love.
You know, you are really cute when you're telepathic.
- I'm busy here.
- Would you leave them alone? I can't leave them alone, if they don't - Hello.
- How are you? So tell me about Michael.
What's his family like? I don't know, they're still back in England.
- So he has his green card? - Yeah, why? Just interested.
- Oh, my God.
She's a goner.
- You think? Well, she's spelling out his name with baby corn.
You know what? We're going to the Rainbow Room tonight.
- Do you mind if I hang onto your dress? - I guess it made a big impression, huh? - I don't know.
- He didn't like my dress? - He didn't say.
- Which dress? The black one with the back.
I love that dress.
He didn't like it? I don't know.
Why don't we discuss it when he gets here.
- I was wide open under the basket.
- You were not wide open.
- Wide open like a prairie.
- I saw no prairie.
All you had to do was pass it to me, a little layup, boom, we would've won.
- I'm under the basket, wide open.
- That's exactly why I didn't pass it.
Because whenever you shoot a layup you make that dumb sound.
Just go, "Yeah.
Yeah.
" "Yeah," every time.
- No, you are wrong.
- In the middle of - What are you talking - It's a very embarrassing sound.
- I'm sorry.
We're ten minutes late.
- Twenty.
- Fifteen.
- Look at you.
You're soaked.
You should've seen me out there.
I was phenomenal.
I mean, I'm pushing Ken Sullivan all over the court.
And this is a big guy.
You know, I mean, he's a dentist.
Excuse me one second.
I'll be right back.
- She's putting on makeup.
- Oh, that slut.
- Makeup for Michael.
- So what? - So, she never wears makeup.
- So what? - All of a sudden she's wearing makeup? - So what? What are you, Robert De Niro? What, is that 'cause of the so whats? - Yes.
- It just doesn't feel right.
- You haven't even met the guy.
- Doesn't matter.
I know.
I can tell.
- What can you tell? - That it's wrong.
That's what I'm looking for.
Those kind of specifics.
It's because of the dress, isn't it? - Do I like Eggs Florentine? - It's spinach.
I know my sister.
The higher she goes, the harder she falls.
It's too fast.
You don't know.
Maybe she'll marry the guy.
- Yeah, right.
- Maybe.
How do you know? Listen, maybe she'll end up doing her laundry at his place every Tuesday.
See? This guy could end up being our savior.
- Then she will be out of our hair.
- I don't want her out of my hair.
Well, that could be your problem.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
Look, she survived for three years before you were born.
- But she had no direction.
- No direction.
Excuse me.
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.
What's the matter with your eye? I don't know.
Could be Impetigo.
- They're false eyelashes.
- Oh.
- Why, don't they look good? - No.
You look beautiful.
- You look beautiful.
- All right.
Good.
- You're not just saying that, are you? - No! You look beautiful.
There he is.
I think.
I really can't see.
Hi, honey.
I think that's the guy.
Jamie, Paul, Fran, Mark.
This is Michael.
Hi.
So pleased to finally meet you after all this time.
Been a busy week.
I'm sorry I'm late, I was talking to the movers.
- Where are you going? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't you tell them? - I was waiting for you.
- Tell us what? We're moving in together.
- I'm sorry - We're very, very happy for you.
- Ta-da.
Video rentals.
- What is that? - Not deductible.
- Absolutely deductible.
- I'm a filmmaker.
- So? So? You know, if I'm gonna stay competitive in the market, I gotta know what's going on out there, I gotta be on top of it.
So, it's like an educational expense.
What did you learn by watchingPumping Irene? Believe me, babe, we learned plenty.
- Excuse me.
- Wow, you're hungry, huh? I know my sister's parties.
Remember my bridal shower? She had soda and gum.
- What can she be thinking? - Hey, I thought he was a very nice guy.
Did you notice all through brunch he kept using the word, actually? "Actually, Lisa and I love Indian food.
Actually, we took the crosstown bus.
Actually, I prefer Siskel.
" What was that? The way he kept hogging the ketchup.
It was just weird.
Yeah, I still can get over what he did to that waitress.
- What did he do? I didn't see.
- Oh, you missed that? Waitress walks by, he sticks out his hand, right? Not even his hand, like two fingers.
He says, "Excuse me, miss, but, could I please have some water?" - Yeah.
If this was your sister - Yeah, I understand.
We'd be having a very different conversation.
I think you're making a big deal over nothing.
He's a very nice guy.
And may I suggest you're going a little overboard with the food here, geez.
Fine.
Lisa can eat the leftovers when she finds out he has a wife and six kids in Liverpool.
Or, maybe not.
- I hope not.
- Do ya? Thank you very much.
I'm just saying that she's never going to learn to take care of herself until you let her take care of herself.
- I can't help it.
I'm protective.
- You may be protecting her from something good, in which case, you're not protecting her.
No.
Recycle.
I'm really losing patience with the Earth.
I miss throwing things out willy-nilly.
You think I enjoy picking up the pieces? Are we talking about the trash now, or your sister? She's very fragile.
She's known this guy a week, she's about to give away her whole life to him.
Seriously, what life? It's an expression.
Honey, I say this with love.
Butt out.
I am not trying to interfere.
I'm trying to help.
I can't believe her shrink hung up on me.
- You were screaming at the poor guy.
- If the man can't handle emotion Oh, right.
These are great.
Would you like some? - Hi, there.
- Where's my brisket? I gave it to the guy in the elevator.
He was carrying a knife.
Give me your coat.
We'll put 'em in the bedroom.
What's different about this place since last time? - Her sofa was repossessed.
- That's it.
Hey, what did you do? Michael's been cooking for two days.
I made your favorite little quiches.
Quiche.
I love quiche.
What kind of cream do you use? The kind they put in frozen quiche.
Michael seared his tuna on a hot plate.
Ow! That must have hurt, huh? Where's your stove? I thought Mom and Dad bought you a stove.
Yeah, I loaned it to a friend.
- You loaned it to a friend? - She has such a generous spirit.
Here, let me take those from you.
Thanks.
So, tomorrow's the big day, huh? That's really exciting.
- Isn't it? - It's very exciting.
I know.
I know.
What time should we be over to help you move? - No problem.
It's all taken care of.
- No.
We'd love to.
- If they don't need us, they don't.
- They need us.
- No, really.
I've hired a mover.
- Well, you still need to pack.
- It's under control.
- Let us help you pack.
Honey, they've got professionals.
And as much as I'd love to, they're telling us no.
What kind of hosts are we? Let me get you something to eat.
Stay away from the quiche.
Did you know your sister is friends with a grave digger? - Yeah, Alice.
- Fascinating girl, and what a grip.
- Hey, Jamie.
- Oh, hi, Irwin.
Hi, Spats.
Fellas, these are our friends, Mark and Fran.
- Irwin's a ventriloquist.
- Nice to meet you.
Ahh, saw your lips move.
Got a helluva act.
May I please remind everyone that that's Lisa's last boyfriend.
- Well, Michael seems nice.
- Ooh, I think he's charming.
- What did I say? - What, he's not? He's not charming? - Fine.
He's a prince.
You think everybody was so sure about me when we started going together? - Yes.
- Really? - Yeah.
- No kidding? - Everybody loved you.
- Everybody loved me? But, like, what was it about me that they loved, you think? - They loved everything.
- Honey, could you be specific? - I don't know.
- Come on.
Just try to remember.
Must have been something.
What, are you cold? - No.
- Then what are you sitting there for? - What did you do? - I don't know.
I'm talking to this guy, next thing I know, I'm handcuffed to the radiator.
Lisa, you wouldn't happen to have a key that opens handcuffs, would you? Over there, top drawer.
There we go.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I wanted it to look just right.
Wow.
That's Hey, look at you two.
You guys look so happy together.
- Don't they look happy? - We are.
You never know where you'll find love.
The moment I saw her, I thought, this isn't just a woman pointing at a boat.
This is destiny.
People don't believe in love at first sight.
Think it belongs in storybooks and fairy-tales.
After Fiona, I never thought it would happen again, but somehow I suppose the angels were smiling down on me.
- And Fiona would be? - That was his wife.
She died.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Lightning.
Lightning? Well, that's unbelievable.
Well, least she went quickly.
Who knows how long Amanda drifted out at sea.
- Amanda being - My second wife.
You remember that big flood in Scotland? So, there was Fiona then Amanda Fiona was the third.
Amanda was second, right? - So, the first wife would be? - Delia.
Bull run at Pamplona.
Finally, a guy who likes to do things.
So, you've been married three times? So far.
Okay.
Well, first of all, condolences.
Second of all, honey Could you just excuse us for one second? Lisa, come here.
- What? - What? What? You know what? Come here.
Just for one second.
Key didn't fit.
For God's sake, be careful! Why? What's gonna happen to me? We can fix this.
Let's redo the apartment.
Tomorrow, we'll get you a new couch, on the way home we'll pick up your stove.
I don't want my stove.
I don't need my stove.
I'm not going to be living here anymore.
Okay, come here.
You should take a class.
Ceramics.
Calligraphy, something with a future.
You need a vocation.
You can't run around pointing at boats the rest of your life.
Would you give me a little credit? I have an audition for the auto show next week.
What happened to you? You wanted to be so many things.
You wanted to be an eye surgeon.
- A Rockette.
- When? - When we were kids.
- That wasn't me.
That was you.
- No.
I'm too short to be a Rockette.
- I told you that.
You wouldn't listen.
- I wanted to be a Rockette? - Yes! How did I end up in P.
R.
? Stop worrying about me.
So Michael had a little run of bad luck.
No.
Custer had a little run of bad luck.
Michael has - I can take care of myself.
- You don't know what you're doing.
I do know what I'm doing.
I'm giving up a crummy apartment where I spend most of my life alone, and I'm moving into a beautiful loft with a wonderful man who loves me.
- Walk up? - What? - Is it a walk up? - No.
- So there's an elevator shaft.
- Oh, would you stop? Fine.
I'm just gonna sit by and wait till you wind up under a glacier.
Stop being my big sister.
I'm older than you.
You do these things without thinking.
That's right.
That's how I live.
I just close my eyes and I leap.
Yeah, while I'm running all over town with a net.
Who's Annette? A net! A net! Never mind.
Okay.
All right.
I figure if I just leap enough eventually I'll land on someplace good and, you know what, maybe this is it.
- What if it isn't? - Okay.
You always say you know what I'm feeling? What am I feeling now? I don't know.
I've never felt you feel this before.
I'm happy.
Oh, my God.
You are.
- How do you like it? - I don't.
- Well, then what are you doing? - I don't know.
For God's sake.
- I've only known the man a week.
- Do you see how that keeps coming up? Hey, he's a good guy.
Did I tell you he's taking me to the Grand Canyon next month? - No.
He's not taking you to the Grand - Kidding.
Relax.
- Wanna hear something gross? - Please.
I just ate thirteen mini hot dogs and twenty-three little quiches.
- Your sister? - Mm-hmm.
Do you know that twice as many people are hit by lightning in Ohio as they are in New York? That doesn't seem fair.
What are you reading? Actuary tables? "Natural disasters by state.
" Hey, did you know one out of every two point three million people are killed by locusts.
I didn't know they still have those.
Two point three That means in New York there's eight million people, which means like locusts are going to get four of'em.
One of them will definitely be my sister.
Come on.
Stop it.
We are going to bed.
- Ow.
- Did you stub your toe? No, my sister did.