M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e17 Episode Script

[ Instrumental: "I'm in the Mood for Love" .]
[ Humming .]
Here we are.
[ Knocking .]
- [ Knocking .]
-[ Knocking .]
- Margaret.
- Frank.
Margaret, you don't know what it does to me being near you all day in surgery, only able to touch you through rubber gloves.
Dance? - [ Laughing .]
- You all right? Yes.
It's just this song.
It gives me goose bumps.
I'm the same way about "Pennsylvania Six-Five-Thousand.
" Oh, you're so light on your feet.
I was voted most graceful in my class at Veloz and Yolanda.
Oh.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, Frank.
Frank, that's marvelous, but the blood is beginning to rush to my head.
It's not marvelous, Margaret, it's my back.
I can't move.
- [ Moaning .]
- Frank, don't moan! But I have to! When a man's in pain, he has to moan.
Shh! No, not unless he wants to get caught in a lady's tent.
[ Both Moaning .]
- I won't moan a word, but we've got to do something! - Can you let go of me? I'll try.
[ Groans .]
Oh! Now, go get help.
But they'll see us dressed like this in my tent with a candle and "I'm in the Mood for Love.
" Margaret, I need help! Oh, and you'll get help, my darling, but not in my tent! I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.
War's a dirty business, Lieutenant.
None of us should be here.
- I mean, in your tent.
- My tent's a dirty business too, but it's a lot more fun than the war.
Wait, no.
Have an olive for your martini.
Olive? There aren't any olives in Korea.
There are at least a dozen right here in this jar.
From China.
Communist China? I never talk politics with an olive.
- But they do come from up there.
- Mm-hmm.
- How? - Well, let's just say I know a red on the black market who gets me green olives.
- [ Both Groaning .]
- Oh, that's terrible.
Those dumb Commies.
That's why they'll lose.
You can't conquer the world with a shoddy olive.
Hitler found that out.
Mmm, mmm! Oh, this is sensational.
You're my kind of girl, Nancy.
Drunk.
[ Trapper .]
Hawkeye! - You a ventriloquist? - Mm-mm.
It's your roomie.
I thought you were shooting craps with the chaplain.
- Frank- he's had an accident.
- Well, give him a mop and tell him to be more careful next time.
Come on, give me a hand, will ya? I'm serious.
I hate him when he's serious.
I'll be right back.
- What's the matter, Frank? - It's my- His back.
It's his back.
- How'd it happen? - Well, I- He fell on his way to the shower.
He was coming from that direction.
From his tent, I guess.
Going in that direction.
The showers.
Were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, Officer? Don't get snippy, Captain.
Frank, do you have a history with your back? Oh, it goes out every few years.
Last time was V-J Day in Times Square when this big sailor hugged me.
Let's get him to the post-op ward and string him up.
Maybe traction would help.
Oh, traction helps.
Usually a day or two in traction- - Now, wait a minute, Frank, I'm the doctor here.
- I thought I was the doctor here.
- We're all doctors here.
The patient's a doctor here.
- Here, here.
Will you clowns act like professionals? That man is hurt.
He's probably in shock.
He'll be in divorce court if you don't erase the tracks from your tent.
- Well, Frank, how goes it? - He's resting comfortably, Colonel.
Thank you, Major.
Any pain, Frank? Slight muscle spasms this morning, but readjusting the traction helped.
Thank you.
Radar, - Here, sir.
- give me the- - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I wonder if we could discuss this, Frank.
It seems you've applied for the Purple Heart.
- Yes, Colonel, you see, the way we understand it- - Major! Unless Frank's tongue's broken, I'd like to hear it from him.
- Frank.
- Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud - on the way to the shower.
- Yes.
Is that the way you want it announced at the awards ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower? - Well, well, I- - Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit.
- Technically, that makes it battle-connected.
- On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
- What are you doing here, Pierce? - I have a stethoscope fetish.
This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention.
Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you? That's major to you, Captain! Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you? Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide - and make my, uh, decision and that will decide.
- Doc! Doc! - Now take it easy, kid, I'm a doctor.
- [ Groaning .]
But I need Dr.
Pierce.
He's the only one who can help me.
- I'm Pierce.
What's the problem? - You're my problem.
- I'm Pierce.
What's the problem? - You're my problem.
I think I love you.
Tommy! - You're a beautiful sight! - What are you doing here? What am I doin' here? I'm an American soldier.
I'm one of the good guys.
Last I heard, I thought you had a foolproof way to beat the draft.
Well, the recruiting sergeant peeked under my dress, and here I am.
[ Laughing .]
You- [ Laughing Nervously .]
Henry, I want you to meet one of my best friends, Tommy Gillis.
- Tommy, Henry Blake.
- Henry, you're a beautiful sight.
Well, how's it going, Tommy? Then he writes a poem to his teacher called "Ode to a Pretty Teacher.
" He did.
Listen, how long have you two nuts known each other? What time is it? Right now, 15 years.
No, it's more than that.
It was- It was back in grammar school.
- It was fourth grade.
- Fifth grade.
Remember? He was a wonderful child.
He was a bit of a sissy.
But he was one of the great milk monitors I've ever seen.
- Milk monitor? - Well, that was a very responsible position.
It was the Depression, and anybody with milk carried a lot of weight.
- Oh? - [ Laughing, Whispering .]
[ Laughing .]
Maxine.
What I don't understand is what a guy like you with your background is doing here? Why aren't you a correspondent or something? I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace.
- You used to be a Communist.
- I'm keeping my country safe from me.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.
- Look.
If I was a correspondent, I'd be reporting the war.
In the infantry, I'm living it.
- So what's the difference? - Here.
Here's the difference.
You Never Hear the Bullet.
What? Is that a book? Yeah, it's about the war, and it's being written by a soldier, not a correspondent.
How can I explain it to you? There's always that big blond kid in all the war movies.
Right? The one that should never die and always does.
Yeah, and they bring him back to life in the next movie.
- That's a great way to run a war.
- Right.
Well, you always hear this big loud ricochet just before he gets killed.
Well, that's not the way it really happens.
There was a young blond kid in our outfit.
One day I looked over and half of him was gone.
You know what he said? He said, "I never heard no bullet.
" That's why that book is called what it's called.
Let's get drunk.
- I'll drink to that.
- I never drink.
Captain Pierce, Captain Mclntyre, report to surgery! - What was that? - Him.
He hates it when we drink.
Listen, stick around for a while.
We'll be back in a bit.
Hey, you guys aren't gonna just prance off and leave me? I live in a very small tent with three other guys.
Prance makes me nervous.
Listen, stick around, make yourself at home.
We'll be right back.
Thanks, but halftime's over.
I better get back to the war.
Oh, say good-bye to Henry for me.
He'll understand.
Tommy Gillis, you're a genuine lunatic.
Come back and see us soon.
Right.
We'll split a nurse.
So, dumbbell, when will I see you again, soon? - That's up to the North Koreans.
- Tell 'em I sent you.
You still owe me for a pint of milk.
Multiple lacerations, contusions and abrasions.
Looks like somebody bit him.
I heard the North was using bamboo sticks, but biting? Ah, the North didn't do it.
He did.
- What do you mean? This guy bit that guy? - Mm-hmm.
A fight.
This one has almost identical injuries, plus an ear that has to be sewn back on.
Well, that'll teach him to listen.
- Let me see that.
What were they fighting about? - Nobody knows.
This one over here is an appendectomy.
- Oh, great, no battle-inflicted wounds.
- [ Groans .]
All right, look, we can have time to do this and still be crocked before dinner.
Nancy, you prep the appendectomy, and we'll sew up Zale and Graziano.
- Father Mulcahy, are you all right? - [ Panting .]
Just out of breath.
I-I ran from chapel.
Happily you ran for nothing, Padre.
No last rites today.
Oh, thank heaven.
- Could I show you something in a get-well prayer? - [ Chuckles .]
That's good.
Okay, tie it off.
Got it? Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Okay, lighten up on him.
[ Groans .]
Appendixes make me sick.
Sutures.
Did you see this kid's chest.
There's hardly a hair on it.
Maybe we got ourselves a flat-chested WAC.
Look how thin he is about the chest and waist.
Yeah.
"Private Wendell Petersen, Marine Corps.
" You know, I'd swear this kid is really a kid.
I guess if they're tall enough to reach the trigger, they're old enough to enlist.
- A question.
- The answer is yes.
We're not going to be interrupted again, are we? My folks won't be home for hours.
Frank is in traction, and Trapper is watching a movie in the mess tent.
And you don't think that he might leave the movie? And walk out on Deborah Paget? Hurry- [ Clears Throat .]
Hurry, please, it's Major Burns.
- Tell him to get his own girl.
- He's in pain.
He wants to see you.
Remember where we were.
- [ Groaning .]
- T-Tell him where it hurts, Frank.
Don't be brave.
Why don't you go boil some water or something? You know what your trouble is, you're a four-star hypochondriac.
- But the pain! - The only pain around here is the one you two are giving me.
Please, I don't wanna go home.
Please.
Let me just stay here.
Don't reach for your appendix, kid, it's gone.
How do you feel? All ready to go out and kill me some more gooks, sir.
Wendell, another word for gooks is people.
I mean, the North Koreans.
The Chinese, sir, the enemy.
I'm a marine.
We're the best.
I'm a coward.
We're the worst.
How long before I can get back to my outfit, sir? Maybe a few more weeks.
Depends on how much post-operative pain you have.
I don't care about no pain.
I just wanna get back to the fightin'.
- How old are you, Wendell? - Twenty.
Really, I'm 18.
For somebody who's both 20 and 18, you look awfully 16 to me.
See you later.
What'd you do while I was gone? - I drank.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I filed my nails.
- Mm-hmm.
And I looked through this dirty book I found hidden on your shelf behind Arrowsmith.
Dirty book? It's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Oh, then how come one of the dwarves is named "Leather"? [ Radar .]
Hawkeye! Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
It's not Hot Lips, it's Radar.
Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
There's trouble in the post-op.
You gotta come.
- What is it, Frank again? - No, no, it's a fight.
Hurry up.
I'll see ya.
Wait here, okay? Be right back.
[ Shouting, Chattering .]
Watch it! The back! The back! Watch the back! Okay, break it up! Break it up! Cut it out! Come on, come on.
Now what's all this about? Come on.
What's going on? - He stole my salami.
- You lousy liar.
Knock it off! Knock it off! Let me point out if you meatballs have ripped out those stitches I put in, I'm gonna put them back with staples.
- You got that? - He stole my salami.
I smell it on his breath.
- All right, now wait a second.
- I- If I get you each a salami, will you promise to stop fighting at least until your stitches heal? - Kosher? - Kosher.
- Okay.
- All right.
Come here.
Radar! Sir? Take care of these guys.
If they give you any more trouble, I want you to beat them senseless with their own salamis.
Aye, aye, sir.
[ Clattering .]
Wendell, as your doctor, I'd advise you to lay off hot-wiring jeeps for a few days.
- You're not sendin' me home.
- For an appendix? If they sent you home for that, I'd take my own out every other day.
Come on.
[ Grunts .]
Crummy appendix.
If it hadn't been for that, I'd still be up there with my outfit.
Maybe I'd even get me that medal and show that dumb Bernice.
- Bernice? That your sergeant? - That's my girl.
She was anyway.
We was goin' steady, and then she dumps me 'cause Augie Hofstetter comes back from boot camp.
Well, it ain't my fault I'm too young to join up.
- You 16? - Almost.
-Did you use a phony birth certificate? -My brother's.
- What about your folks? - They think I run off to join the circus.
Send 'em a couple of postcards with elephants on it.
They don't know the difference.
But you see if I was a hero with a medal and everything, I just know Bernice'd beg me to come back.
- [ Sighs .]
Look, Wendell- - Walter.
- Wendell's my brother's name.
- Right.
I was just wondering if any girl worth having cares whether you have a medal or not.
And it's none of my business.
If you wanna dress up like a soldier and play marine, that's up to you.
Just come inside and let yourself heal for a few days.
And I won't turn you in.
Okay? Gee, Captain, for an army guy, you're okay.
Who's in the army? I just wear this uniform because my saddle shoes clash with blood.
- She's not in there anymore.
- What are you talking about? -Attention, attention: All medical personnel- - That's what I'm talking about.
- Oh! - The whole regiment took it in the teeth a while ago.
It's gonna be a long night.
Come on.
Give me some suction.
I can't see anything.
- [ Slurping .]
- There, good.
How many does this make? Ask Colonel Blake.
He's the one who puts notches in his scalpel.
Dr.
Pierce, this one's very shocky.
- Trapper, can you finish for me? - Go ahead.
Yeah, okay.
Pierce, I heard that little remark.
Good.
We won't have to amputate your ears, Henry.
I'd give you a kiss, but I can't lift my head.
You'd just get my mask icky.
He's had ten milligrams of morphine.
Pressure, 80 over 50, and faint.
Give me some O-negative blood here, quick! Blood's for me.
I'm anemic.
Henry, I need your help.
Start another I.
V.
with a large bore needle.
- Come on, get over there and help me.
- Seventy over fifty.
Wanna hear a funny one? I heard the bullet coming just like in the movies.
So you'll change the title of the book, that's all.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.
It's a better title anyway.
Sixty.
They got the aorta.
Give me some retraction and suction.
- Father Mulcahy.
- I can't get a pressure.
- We've lost the pulse.
- I'm gonna open the chest.
Give me a knife.
- I said, give me a knife! - Pierce.
Go help Mclntyre.
Go help Mclntyre.
Come on, move.
We're jammed up in here.
Pierce, is there anything I can do to help? This is the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place.
I don't understand that.
Well, Gillis was your friend.
I mean, it's only natural that you'd, you know- I know why I'm crying now.
Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying.
I've watched guys die almost every day.
Why didn't I ever cry for them? Because you're a doctor.
What the hell does that mean? I don't know.
If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.
Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school.
There are certain rules about a war, and rule number one is: Young men die.
Rule number two is: Doctors can't change rule number one.
You believe that? I don't know.
Do you? I don't know, but I know one doctor who can keep one young man from dying in one war.
Major Houlihan, this is Private Wendell Petersen, United States Marines, except Wendell's name is really Walter, and he's only 15 years old, and he's going back home where he belongs.
Put a guard on him.
Give him to the M.
P.
's as soon as he's well enough to travel.
You double-crosser.
I'm never gonna forgive you for this! Not for the rest of my life! Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.
"And because said injuries were sustained at a MASH unit in a zone of armed combat, "the Secretary of the Army hereby declares - "that Franklin D.
Burns, Major, U.
S.
Army Reserves, - Sir? shall be awarded the Order of the Purple Heart.
" - Sir? - May I have the medal, please? Frank, here is your purple earring.
Earring? I guess you didn't know having your appendix out at a line unit - qualified you for the Purple Heart? - No, I sure didn't.
- Gee, you really got it for me fast, Hawkeye.
- Well, there are ways.
- Give my love to Bernice.
- I will.
- Have a good trip, Wendell.
- Walter.
Both of you.
- Out of the way there.
Move! - Aren't we grumpy today? Well, what do you expect? Somebody's stolen Frank's medal.
It's not everybody who wins a purple earring.