Melissa & Joey s01e17 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You guys are all in for a treat.
I'm gonna share a little taste of my childhood with you tonight.
This is linguini de Longo, sauteed peppers de Longo, cheesy garlic bread.
- De Longo? - No, that's de freezer.
How come we have to wait for Lennox to come home? Because Ryder's hungry and he's a growing boy.
Calm down, Ryder.
We'll eat in a second, okay? She said she'll be home by 6:00.
Come on, she's at the mall.
She's probably eating fast food, which is the way I like my food.
So can we step on it, Longo? You're the one that wanted us to have family dinners every night.
Don't you remember? Oprah came to you in that dream and said that kids that eat with their family stay out of trouble.
Then you woke up screaming, "don't we all get free cars?" Yeah well, I've thought more about it and I have a better way to keep kids out of trouble.
You tell them exactly what to do.
- Ryder, did tell you not to do drugs? - Yes, ma'am.
- And are you doing drugs? - No, ma'am.
There you have it.
- And don't call me ma'am.
- Yes, sir.
There you are, my sweet child.
I made them wait for you.
So get this.
The weirdest thing happened to me at the mall while I was in the ladies' bathroom.
Oh my God, you are never going to the mall by yourself again.
Burke, Burke, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before you go naming a law after Lennox, let's hear her side of the story.
- Continue, Lennox.
- Okay, this lady gave me her business card.
"Tasha de la Garza; Earth Models.
" It's a modeling agency.
She was at the mall looking for fresh new faces.
In the ladies' room? She said that I have a look that's authentic.
- Oh, okay.
And how many authentic dollars is she trying to squeeze out of you? You are so suspicious.
Okay, $500 for a training course.
Honey, scams like this happen all the time.
A woman stops you in the mall, says you're pretty.
You hand over your birthday checks, never hear back.
And then that pig-nosed Penny Dunlop makes fun of you saying, "models are never that short, Mel Burke," or whoever.
Okay, Burke, so you got duped.
Maybe Lennox is an inch or two savvier than you are.
Shouldn't she at least get a chance to see for herself? See what? That modeling agents just want anorexic zombies to hang clothes on? Anyway, Tasha was a model herself.
And her agency's different.
It's all about real girls with real bodies.
She invited me to come by her office tomorrow.
Okay well, the only way you're going down there is with me.
And when we get to Tasha's seedy, dream-killing lair, I'll show you what this filthy, dirty, stinking scam's all about.
Hear that, Lennox? Your aunt is completely on board.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
Boy, you were right about this place, Aunt Mel-- it's a seedy hell-hole where dreams go to die.
Okay, I was wrong.
It's a penthouse where dreams go to die.
- You watch.
- Oh, there's Tasha.
I bet she doesn't remember a single girl she hands her card out to.
Lennox Elizabeth Scanlon! I'm so glad you made it.
- You have a middle name? - Uh-huh.
And this must be your Aunt Mel.
She doesn't appear to be kicking and screaming.
Inside.
Lennox, I want you to meet some of the other models.
This is Li-Chong and Nala.
Why don't you girls show Lennox your portfolios so she can see the work that we do here? - Thank you.
- Hey.
Your niece has a special quality you don't often find in girls her age.
You mean an aunt with a checkbook? Seriously, I mean $500 for a training course? I don't charge the girls that I scout myself.
This isn't one of those fly-by-night agencies that bilk naive, hopeless wannabes out of their sweet-16 money.
Yeah, how pathetic.
Nala's portfolio was amazing.
And she told me that after the last shoot they donated all the clothes to a homeless shelter.
Wow, I hope all the homeless are a size zero.
You know, Lennox, I sent a couple of those pictures that I took of you at the mall to a department store.
They expressed interest.
You hear that, Aunt Mel? I have interest! I know this is all very exciting, but aren't we rushing it? Lennox doesn't know the first thing about modeling.
Do you know how to smile and wear a sweater? - Yep.
- We're good.
Today was the day, Joe.
I walked up to Holly Reback and used that line you gave me; You look like Taylor Swift's prettier sister, only prettier.
That's a vintage Longo right there.
Back in the day it was Alyssa Milano.
Who? Anyway, she blushed just like you said.
Did you ask her something personal about herself and then furrow your brow like you were listening? Yeah, I furrowed so hard, I popped a zit.
Way to commit, buddy.
Way to commit.
All right, so now your next move is to invite her to the house for a study date.
- My house? - No, your beach house, player.
After you've been studying for a while, you turn to her and you say, "are you hungry? "Because I just happen to have a pizza made "courtesy of my best buddy Joe.
" And then you suggest watching a DVD from the vintage Longo movie collection.
So now you're over on the couch.
You dim the lights.
You slide your arm around her.
That, my young squire, is the beginning of what we call a serious date.
I'm gonna ask Holly for tomorrow night.
Do you think I should shave? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that one crazy hair on your chin there definitely needs cutting.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, that was an eyelash.
Hey, I heard the good news.
Lennox is gonna be doing a little photo shoot? It's an offer.
I haven't decided whether I'll let her make this terrible, horrible, life-altering mistake.
You know, Burke, most people worry about things when they actually have something to worry about, but not you.
Hey, look, it all starts with one innocent photo shoot.
The next thing you know, they're flying you around the world, paying you gobs of money.
And for what? Standing there in your underwear? With wings? I just don't want Lennox going off the track.
I don't want her to veer off and become-- What, happy? Independent? Her own person? Shallow, naked, Leo Dicaprio's arm candy.
Look, I invested a lot in these kids, okay? I've made sacrifices to take care of them.
- I just have to protect Lennox.
- From what? Hey, Aunt Mel, Tasha needs you to sign this contract for the shoot tomorrow.
Aha.
From this-- I wanna protect her from this.
Hey, be careful where you're pointing that thing.
Let me see this.
Oh boy, this takes me back.
God, when I worked at Scanlon I'd pound through four or five of these babies a day, examining the fine print, looking for loopholes, working late into the night.
- God, I miss my old life.
- So what does it say? What are they gonna pay her, like a buck? - Yeah, 750 of them.
- Holy crap! Just for standing there in a fuzzy turtleneck? I guess I have what they're looking for-- a face and a neck.
Jeez, Burke, what are we gonna do? I mean it's all going horribly terribly fine! Smile, ladies.
I really think she could have a career doing this.
Lennox just pops on camera.
That's a nice thought, but she's gonna pop into college.
- Modeling is how I put myself through college.
- What? Like real college or like one of those Internet deals? Big stone building with a sign on the front that read "Princeton.
" Wow, and your aunt didn't have to-- I mean your family didn't have to pay for any tuition? No, and my father was pretty happy, I have to say.
Smile, baby.
The camera loves you.
Hey, money guy.
Me? Wow, it's been a long time since somebody's called me that.
- Say it again, slowly.
- No.
Now come over here and tell me which one of these college savings accounts would make most sense for Lennox.
All right, well, you need to look for the administrative fees and the expense ratios and all the commissions and-- All right, brain shutting down.
Just pick one.
Here, go with this one.
It's got shiny paper.
Tasha seems to think Lennox can put herself through college with the money she's gonna make from modeling.
So wait a minute.
You're gonna let her go through with it now? Must be nice not to worry about things you said 10 minutes ago.
Lennox said she wants to contribute to the household, you know? And if she's able to pay for her own college, then I can take the money I was saving for that and put it towards more worthwhile projects.
Uh, is that a bathroom? Uh, it's considerably more than a bathroom-- whirlpool tub, steam shower, towel warmer, a memory-foam toilet seat.
Just like the one down at the gas station.
It's a dream deferred.
So this was your big sacrifice, huh? You gave up your deluxe custom crapper that memorizes your butt? Okay, it's a home-spa oasis and I was happy to give it up.
But now that Lennox can pay for her own college, I can finally build Tara.
You named your potty Tara? You may think it's silly, but frankly, Longo, I don't give a damn.
- You're staring at me again, Ryder.
- Oh, sorry.
I don't know about you, Holly, but studying makes me hungry.
I just got an idea just now.
How about we have a pizza while we watch a movie? Well, like, what movie? I have a whole collection of Academy Award-winning best pictures.
Old movies? Like with the big gorilla that climbs the Eiffel Tower and says, "we'll always have Paris"? What do you know? What do you know? Pizza's almost ready.
We can watch something on TV.
I like seeing people getting humiliated and voted off things.
Don't you? Oh, yeah.
Fo' sho'.
- Don't use words that aren't words.
- Never again.
Have I got a treat for you two.
Here we go.
Yeah.
- What are those circly things? - Those are olives.
- I don't like olives.
- Have you ever tried them? No, because I don't like them.
I'll pick them off for you Without ruining this magnificent pie.
No, but it'll still have olive poo on it.
- Besides, it looks really greasy.
- Greasy? I think it's just shiny.
Well, it's shiny because it's greasy.
Okay, so no shiny, greasy, olivey four-hours-in-the-making pizza then.
So the TV's in there.
Thanks for everything, Joe.
Heh, women, huh? - Here you go.
- Pizza for breakfast? There's plenty more where that came from.
Wow, Joe, this is fantastic.
Damn straight it is.
Is that greasy? - You see any grease on there? - No, it's fine.
Yeah? Not too much olive poo? Hey, Ryder, there's pizza for breakfast.
- You want some? - I don't know if I should.
Dude, nut up.
She's not even here.
She'll know.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna take one piece and then take another shower.
Never seen a guy cheat on a girl before with a slice of pizza.
Hey, somebody we know has an ad in today's paper.
I'll give you a hint-- it's not a city councilwoman or a smart-ass know-it-all who works for me.
Burke, I'm standing right here.
Oh my God, my first ad! There she is, my niece.
That's you.
- Well, mostly me.
- What do you mean? Well, that's my face, but I don't know who that is from the waist down.
They made my thighs the size of my arms.
It's even smaller than that.
That's like Ryder's arms.
Hey, come on, they touch up photos all the time.
I mean, haven't you seen the picture of me on the city council website? I didn't complain that they airbrushed me up a cup with little to no prodding.
Modeling is a means to an end.
It'll get you the things you want in life.
You just have to think about the big picture.
Yeah yeah, I guess you're right.
It's gonna get me my mini.
Your miniskirt for college? My mini Cooper.
So you don't have to buy it for me.
I can show you the virtual one I designed online.
Hey, maybe you can park it in Mel's virtual bathroom.
- Okay, hold it.
See, Lennox, you're using your modeling money for college because that's the plan we all had in my mind.
That's so nice of you, Burke, to take off all of the bothersome thinking and deciding off of Lennox's hands.
Aunt Mel, I have it all worked out.
First it's the car, then a year in Europe and then college.
Or not.
Ooh, I could open my own animal sanctuary and live on a boat.
No, a floating animal sanctuary.
Okay, Lennox, slow down.
I appreciate that-- No no no, I appreciate you.
Thanks for convincing me not to freak out about the whole airbrush thing.
Like you said, big picture.
Okay, she is way too young to be making these kinds of important decisions.
Says the youngest councilperson ever elected in this city's history.
Oh sure, just throw my success in my face.
- I think I just did.
- You know, don't give me that look.
- Want me to airbrush it? - Like you own a brush.
But I didn't wave to Zack in the hall.
Then what was this? Jazz hands? I thought we agreed you would only talk to the approved list of friends I gave you.
This is for your own good, Ryder.
You know what? You're right.
Thank you.
You want to listen to music, play the Wii, watch Justin Bieber blow his hair out of his eyes? I'm going to I.
M.
my friends.
But I thought you came over so we could do something together.
Well, we are.
See, you'll sit here while I text.
Okay.
- So who are you text-- - Shh! - Where are you going? - I'm just gonna get a snack.
Nothing crunchy.
Dude, come here, come here.
I don't know how to put this to you delicately, but she is killing you, bro, okay? She has spayed and neutered you.
How much more are you gonna stand for? I like her and she likes me.
What part of you does she like? She likes my, uh-- she likes it when-- she likes the way I don't fight back.
What are you, married? Listen, Ryder-- I know, Joe! I know! Help me, Joe.
Help me.
Okay, ahem.
Okay, look, there is an exit strategy.
Holly, I think you're unbelievably pretty.
Well, yeah.
And it's so cool that you're going out with me.
- Oh stop.
- But it's just not working.
Let me put this in reality show terms.
America has spoken.
I'm voting myself out of this relationship.
Aw, that is so cute, but it's not going to happen.
Look, Holly, I'm not kidding.
It's just-- Can I get you anything? Lemonade, and not that hideous powdered stuff.
Yeah, I would never do that to you.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I don't know what happened.
I was talking to her.
I was saying everything you said and then there were these lips-- two of them.
And I think I blacked out.
I mean all the blood in my brain went somewhere else.
Yeah, I didn't really expect you to win that one anyway.
Women don't fight fair.
But on the plus side, I did get you kissed.
- Yeah you did.
That took a lot of work.
Does it get any easier? If by easier you mean soul-crushing and expensive, then yeah.
All right, everyone in wardrobe on their marks.
And let's have some big smiles.
It was a great day on the slopes and you're all excited about having hot cocoa while you hit on each other.
This coat is amazing.
How do they make it feel like real fur? It's a special process where they kill a real animal.
You mean this isn't fake? Nope, it's really dead.
And now, boys and girls, I wanna see a lot of pointing, winking and good times.
Feel free to let your minds go blank.
You, frowny girl.
I was just wondering, could I talk to Tasha for moment? Sure, why not? It's not like anyone's busy working.
- I'm starved.
- Yeah well, you're out of luck here.
This is all the stuff I picked out of my salad.
No, these bean sprouts are really good.
I pretend they're French fries.
That's funny.
I eat French fries and pretend they're bean sprouts.
Well look, it is a good thing that Joe packed Lennox a sandwich.
Well, half a sandwich.
Oh God.
Is that bread? Put that away.
Somebody'll see it.
How about if I hide it in my stomach? Yeah, but we don't wanna encourage people to buy stuff with real fur, do we? Of course not, but the client does.
And we need to keep them happy.
So forget about that dead animal around your neck and go frolic in the snow.
Can I at least wear something else, like maybe one of the sweaters? No, those are pretty fitted.
We wanted to put you in the jacket because it's more flattering for your body type.
- What's wrong with my body type? - Nothing.
But this is a big job and they like the thinner girls.
Can we shoot this before my happy pills wear off? I just-- can I just have one more minute? Yeah.
Aunt Mel, look at this.
- Ooh, it's so soft.
- It's real fur.
Oh, it's so wrong! Can't they put you in one of the other outfits? I asked, but see, they said they had to keep me in this fur burka on account of me being enormous.
- Really? They said that? - Well, in so many words.
You know, this is not how I thought it would be.
I want a car and an animal shelter and college.
And this whole thing's just starting to feel a little creepy.
- What should I do? - What should you do? I'll tell you exactly what you're gonna do.
You-- You're gonna make your own decision, kiddo.
Aw man, the one time I ask you to tell me what to do.
Ironic, isn't it? Can we get a couple shots before these kids need Botox? Okay, you're happy.
You're hormonal.
You're America's teenagers.
There's the smile I was looking for.
Yeah, I can't do this.
- This is not who I am.
- Lennox, sweetie, no one cares who you are.
When you're a model, you can't pick and choose the jobs you want.
You wear what they tell you to wear.
You'll never have a career any other way.
Oh, I'll have a career, just not this one.
Bye.
- Could you give me a lift home? - Of course.
Oh, but first there's something I have to do.
- Here, eat! Live! - No! Stop! No, stop! Don't feed the models.
Wait, I have jellybeans too! Sugar! To Tara.
I guess you and I just weren't meant to be.
Aw.
Are you breaking up with your imaginary toilet? Why don't you just write a-- you know, a "Dear John" letter? Lennox isn't modeling anymore, so I'm back to paying for college.
And, you know, I don't even think I really helped her.
Sure, you did.
You gave her some space to decide for herself and she realized it wasn't the right thing.
Not enough.
Okay, how about this? You were right from the very beginning.
Say it again, slowly.
Okay, you told Lennox that modeling probably wasn't the best idea for her.
And you, Mel Burke, were 100% correct.
You just didn't believe enough in your own advice.
Because you told me I was wrong.
- You should learn to tune me out.
- Really? No, not really.
You should listen to me at all times Except when it comes to modeling.
So that's your one weak spot? Yes.
Otherwise I really do know everything.
- Oh, so what's for dinner? - Not a clue.
So who do you think is getting voted off? The angry girl with the nose ring or the bitter guy who's been naked all month? Shh, I can't concentrate with all of your blabbing.
Sorry.
- Can I hold your hand? - Fine, whatever.
But light pressure.
And sit up straight.
Slouching gives you an old man pouch.
- Can you believe that? - I know, she's feisty.
I like her.