Men in Trees s01e17 Episode Script

Do i know you? I'm cash.
I'll finish the work on your place You let me live here till it's done.
Do you have a problem withe having another man's baby? I'm here.
I'm with you.
To the happy couple on their engagement.
Maybe we're just too different.
I wanna take you up on your offer.
Deal? Deal.
* i wanna change the place where i live * * i wanna make this old house like new * So what do you think? From now on, this is going to be the marin frist bedroom.
Yeah, i thought it was the presidential suite.
Not anymore, my friend.
Good-Bye, honest abe, hello, marketable marin.
We think your name might get $10 more for the room.
Oh, how-- How entrepreneurial of you.
Oh, wow.
I'm moving out.
I have been through a lot in this room.
I know! You broke your engagement, slept with jack, broke up with jack, Had phone sex with stuart.
How do you know all that? Thin walls.
Hey, maybe you should use that extra $10 to work on some sound proofing.
That is a very good idea.
I'm making a list of all the stuff we're having done on this place while we're in new york this week.
It's the big meet the parents trip! Way to make me more nervous.
Where we get to tell my family inerson that we're engaged! They've already planed a big family party.
There's that "big" word again.
Patrick wants to do the right thing and ask my father for my hand.
How adorable is that? I introduced you guys right downstairs.
Oh! Isn't it funny? Hmm? You came up to elmo about to be married, And i followed you here because i was single, And now i'm the one getting married, and you're the one single.
That--That--That came out wrong.
You're right.
I'm single, and i'm moving into my new place, And i couldn't be happier.
Now help the single gal get this stuff downstairs.
* i wanna change the winter into spring * * but in you my love * * i wouldn't change a thing * * something changed in me * * the moment that i knew * * that the biggest change in me is you ** * 'cause there's nothing i would change about you * Cash? Hey, good morning.
Good morning? I fixed the rotten board on the porch.
Oh, well, i appreciate that, but we kind of had a deal.
When i moved into the house, you were gonna move out.
I did move out of the house.
Wait, what--Are you squatting on my land now? I didn't think you were using it.
Well, i'm not right now.
But that's not the point.
There's a lot more work to be done around here.
The porch is an accident waiting to happen.
I could keep working if i stayed.
If you're trying to get me to ask you to move in, well, it's not gonna happen.
A deal is a deal.
I do not wanna live with you.
Good.
Okay.
I guess i'm outta here.
I guess i'm messing up your view of your empty land or something.
For a week.
Tops.
Until you find someplace else to live.
Hello, everybody.
My name is derek, and i will be your tour guide through the wild and wooly world of lamaze.
Now before we get started, how about we go around the room and introduce ourselves? Hi.
My name's beth, and this is my husband gary.
Hi.
I'm rachel.
I'm doing this on my own with the help of my friend, brita.
Samantha and joe.
Life partners.
Hey, i'm lynn.
This is jack hi.
My boyfriend.
Partner.
Or all of the above.
So remember Scrotum! Eye sockets! Left hook finisher! Wow.
You had me at the scrotum.
Yeah, and then remember, you can also take your keys and shove 'em into their necks.
Ma, no one's gonna jump me.
Honey, it's new york.
They steal your kidneys while you sleep.
Greetings! Hey, mommai.
Aren't you supposed to be packing? I was just saying good-Bye to my mom.
Well, get a move on.
Buzz is ready to fly you to seattle for your connection.
Oh, you got it.
Bye, ma.
Bye.
Be careful.
Bye, mommai.
Bye.
Hey, hey, hey Promise me you won't come back with another mother.
Good.
He's gone.
Now we can get down to business.
What business? We're mothers of the groom! We got a wedding to plan! The first step when one encounters a conscious accident victim is to assess the nature of his injuries While making sure the victim stays completely immobile.
Use your pain chart to immediately check in with--with him or her.
Okay.
Let's role-Play.
Everyone pick a partner and play out the accident scenario.
Hi.
Eric.
Hey, eric, i'm sara.
So what happened? I think i fell off a ladder.
My leg hurts.
Don't move.
I have to take your blood pressure.
You're not supposed to laugh.
I'm sorry.
You're a very bad mime.
Wait till you see me make-believe drive the ambulance.
I haven't seen you in class before.
No, i just moved here a month ago.
I live a couple towns over.
Welcome.
Don't move your neck.
Sorry.
So how do you feel? Listen, it's freezing out here.
Why don't you come in and sit by the fire? You made a fire? Well, not exactly.
You're inviting me in? For tonight.
You can sleep in my guest room.
We're gonna be roommates? Housemates, and you're gonna have to work for the room.
Man, you are a pushover.
Come inside before i change my mind, mountain boy.
That was a weird lamaze class.
You mean, when they showed that nasty film of the breech birth? No, when we had to say who we were to each other.
Yeah, i guess there's no check box on medical forms for childhood sweethearts.
Yeah.
Oh, we could come up with a whole new name for us, like, "love-Ners.
" That's "lovers" and "partners" put together.
Yeah, i get it.
No, i mean Not who i am to you, but who i am to your daughter.
Like, what am i? Am i an uncle or some kind of father figure? Or just the guy who took her mom to the birthing class? You can be whomever you wanna be.
I love you, jack, And she's gonna love you, too, no matter what.
Maybe we should get married.
Okay.
Cash? Cash! Oh, cash! Ugh.
Aah! For god sakes! This is not a naked-Friendly home.
Clothes are confining.
You are brushing your teeth.
The only thing that needs to be naked is your actual teeth.
What are these boots doing my sink? I needed to soak 'em.
No, no, cash, there will be no boots in my sink.
Sinks are where we put things we put our mouths on--plates, forks.
No problem.
I think we need to discuss some house rules.
Sure.
Why are you smiling? House rules? That's cute.
No boots in the sink.
Got it.
No towels On the floor.
Oh, and there will be no strange women.
On the floor? Anywhere.
This isn't a flophouse, okay? It's my home.
So no messing around with girls here.
No problem.
And i expect that you're gonna keep working on the house while you're staying with me.
Thanks for letting me crash here.
Well, i couldn't let you sleep in the cold.
It was the right thing to do.
You're like a girl scout.
I'm sorry? You know, doing the right thing, playing by the rules.
Maybe you should try brushing your teeth naked once.
You might like it.
I don't like it.
I like you in an updo.
You look like a million yuan.
That's $8,300.
It's really not me.
In fact, it's-- it's really not anyone i know.
Well, good! Your wedding look should be unique.
In fact, i myself am thinking of going with the traditional side-Pony.
Oh, and this You're not thinking of wearing something like this, too, right? That would be a huge faux pas if we both wear the same thing.
We're good.
Yeah, we're not telling a lot of people yet.
So Congratulations.
Thanks.
Kinda fast, huh? It's just the right time.
Because she's pregnant? Oh, you just think that i'm doing this because i wanna make an honest woman of her? No.
No.
I think you're a good guy who wants to do the right thing.
And i'm totally overstepping.
She gave me this sense of belonging somewhere.
My whole life, I've never felt that, And we're each other's family.
And, yeah, the baby isn't mine, But she deserves a family, too.
Sure.
You know, i got lynn this ring in middle school.
I never gave it to her.
That's how long i've loved her.
Does marin know? No, i wanna tell her before she hears it from someone else.
Yeah, you better.
As soon as i figure out what the hell i'm gonna say.
Hi! Hi! Hey ho! Hi! Welcome to new york.
Oh, it's been awesome.
Today we saw a guy with no legs dancing.
Oh, i've missed you guys.
Oh.
And elmo.
So, uh here's your stuff that you left at sam's I feel awful.
Oh, honey, don't.
Sam and i-- It was never gonna work.
We were just too different.
He was trucker hats, and i was Not.
This isn't mine.
Oh, yeah, that was sam's.
He said he wanted you to have it 'Cause he liked it when you wore it.
Danny! Uh, uh, who--Who now? You have to meet my brother danny! Why didn't i think of this earlier? You two would be perfect for each other.
He's handsome and funny and the life of every party.
He's a stockbroker, and he doesn't wear trucker hats.
Really? You must come to my family's party tomorrow and meet him! Oh, i don't know.
What do you have to lose? Your beautiful future could start tomorrow.
Aw.
I got that off a beauty school ad in the subway.
Who brushes their teeth naked? Who brushes their teeth? Ugh.
I thought cash moved out.
Oh, i couldn take seeing him sleep out in the cold, So i told him he could sleep in the guest room for a little bit.
He fixes everything.
Believe me, it's a little selfish on my part.
I met a cute guy in my e.
M.
T.
Class.
Really? Have you, uh, naked-Brushed together yet? No, but we're having a study date.
That's great.
Hey, ben.
Hey there.
Um, marin, you seen jack? Um, no.
Unh-Unh.
Oh.
What's up with him? Maybe it's still weird for him--Me working here.
May 15th, 2008-- Farmer's almanac gives it a 5% chance of precipitation.
And they'll have to get married at 2:00 a.
M.
It's the only lucky hour of the day.
What's going on, ladies? We're trying to find a good date for the wedding.
This one keeps talking the chinese mumbo jumbo.
It's not mumbo jumbo.
It's thousands of years of ancient asian wisdom.
I should've known this would be difficult.
Rabbit.
Dragon.
Need i say more? Uh, well, shouldn't you let annie and patrick pick the day? Oh, no, no, no, no, back in china, the parents are in charge of arranging the most auspicious date.
Steer clear of july 15th.
That's the day my ex and i got married.
Bad luck.
Oh, yeah, you better nix october 24th, too.
That was the date graham and i were gonna I personally can't recomnd valentine's day, 1967.
Jerome, you were married? I am legally barred from discussing the matter.
I'm gonna have to do their chinese astrological charts to pick a date with true accuracy.
That stuff actually works? Oh, yes, buzz and i are a match made in heaven.
But my cousin mei-- She got a divorce.
Bad charts.
We tried to hang coins on a red ribbon in her northeast sector.
Then her good-For-Nothing husband stole 'em and bet on the dog races.
Oh, before you fix a date, you better check with jack and lynn first.
What do you mean? Well, we don't want everyone getting married on the same day.
There's not enough folding chairs in elmo to go around.
Jack's getting married? Yeah.
Hey You okay? How could he-- How could he not have told me? He probably felt really bad.
Wow, this is really happening.
I didn't think this was gonna happen.
Neither did i.
I thought things would never work out with them.
I hoped it wouldn't.
So he Really is in love with her.
Who knows? Maybe he just feels responsible for her.
Doing the right thing? Maybe.
Yeah, i thought i was doing the right thing, pulling myself out of all this.
What if i was wrong, sara? What if i should've stayed and fought for him? You can't look back like that.
Because it's too late.
I have a radio show to do.
Ooh, this could be good.
I really can't wear my lucky sweater? With the big stain on it? I thought you liked that sweater.
Patrick, you're meeting my family.
This is a big deal.
Oh, and, uh, we have to lie and say we aren't living together.
My parents would get really angry if they knew we were living in sin.
Great.
We've lived in sin in every room of the inn.
And maybe don't tell my dad you already asked me to marry you.
He's kind of traditional.
Why didn't you tell me any of that earlier? I was afraid it would make you too nervous, and then maybe you wouldn't wanna come.
Too late! Better get a jacket with reinforced armpits.
You'll do fine.
Besides, my dad has gotten so much more friendly since the jan incident.
There was an incident? My brother tom brought this girl jan home.
Anyway, she said something bad about about the knicks.
Big mistake.
Well, how big? My dad threw his slipper at her and then forbade her ever to come over again.
Tom broke up with her.
My dad really loves the knicks.
Was that on my flash cards? Kzpz.
Marin! Patrick? Why are you whispering? Because i can't breathe! Why? What happened? I can't do this.
I can't meet annie's family.
Her dad is gonna kill me.
Why? Because i did this all wrong, marin.
I should've asked his permission before i asked annie to marry me, And all i wanted was this to go well, And now all signs point to me leaving alone with an old man slipper print on my forehead! This trip was a mistake.
No, it wasn't.
You wanted to do it the right way.
What if this breaks us up, marin? Patrick, we're gonna be late! No, i do not wanna switch carriers! They called you on a pay phone? Those guys can find me anywhere! All right, elmo, I've got an ethical question for you.
We're taught early on to be a good person, To be kind, to follow the rules To say our prayers and take our vitamins, but What if we do the right thing and bad things happen? What then? Is it ever wrong to do the right thing? We're here! And, uh, grandpa michael patrick has an ulcer? That's right! But don't worry.
You won't need to know any of that till the party tomorrow.
What's that? It's a surprise.
Just a little gift for your folks.
Oh, i hope it's not-- Oh, you're here! You're here! You're here! Not what? Hi! Yay! Yay! Hi.
I'm, uh-- You're patrick! Oh, you're here, you're here, you're here.
You look really familiar.
Oh! Perhaps you caught my turn as golde in the astoria players' long-Running hit of "fiddler"? No.
No? The "flushing daily" called her "exuberant.
" "Refreshingly exuberant.
" I gave up acting to raise six kids.
Bob wanted me home.
Not that i regret it.
Bob?! For god sake, they're here! Ah Daddy! Buttercup! Hey, how are you? Daddy This is patrick.
Hello, sir.
Oh, so you're the half-Black man who's been dating my daughter, huh? Uh, yes, sir.
Ahem.
I thought you'd be bigger.
I'm just razzing you, son.
Oh, i brought you something.
It's, uh Oh.
It's for the celebration tomorrow.
Oh.
Oh This is a dry house, son.
I'll go get rid of this sin juice.
Okay, where do you wanna start? All right, right down to business.
I like it.
Oh, sorry.
I just really wanna do well.
So i get a little nerdy.
A little, uh, what? Nerdy.
I don't have the quietest work space.
I, uh, i know a place that might be quieter.
Is it open now? It's always open.
Let's go.
Let's.
This used to be my local church.
Really? Well, now it's mine.
What? I used to sneak in here with boys at night.
Ooh.
We didn't do much studying.
Are we allowed to be here? Oh, yeah.
No, i, uh, i know the boss.
God? Kind of.
I'm the minister.
You're a minister.
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, i-I should've, uh, i should've started slower.
I just I don't know, maybe maybe say grace over dinner and see if you freaked out.
I It's just, you don't look much like the old minister.
Well, he was 80, And he was in a wheelchair when i took over, so No, uh The church is great.
It's a really honorable profession.
I, um, i do get lots of, uh, free bread and wine, so Um, so you guys can go on study dates? Mm-Hmm.
Yeah, i'm a, uh, i'm a lutheran minister.
I'm not a priest.
It's a common misconception-- The no dating thing.
Um, eric, um, minister eric mini-- Pastor.
Pastor? Pastor eric.
Pastor eric.
You can just call me eric.
Eric, um, i matty's babysitter needs to be relieved.
I totally lost track of time, so i, uh, i'll see you in class.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Okay.
* look back and wonder * * how i got over yeah * Hello.
Didn'tount boxers as being naked.
No problem.
No problem? What happened to my uptight roommate? Housemate.
She learned her lesson.
I'm having a stiff drink, maybe four.
Interested? Does a bear crap where he wants? He does.
Yeah, i'll drink with you.
At least put on a shirt.
Oh, no.
Oh, sweet buddha, no.
No! No.
The wedding is off.
What? Patrick and annie-- they can't get married.
He is a brown pig born in green rooster.
She is a red dragon born in goat! This is a disaster.
No, this is old macdonald's farm.
Oh, great.
Joke.
I haven't seen this bad a combination since julia roberts married the hillbilly with the don king hair.
You did their charts? It's a hobby of mine.
Look, i love those crazy kids, but if they get married, it's gonna be a great wall of disaster.
We have to tell them.
We do? Yes! Okay.
I'll do it.
You like the knicks? Aah! Sorry, sir, i didn't see you there.
You scare like a girl.
I don't know what to say to that.
Anne elizabeth and i-- We used to go to the ball games together.
Ahh.
Actually, uh, sir, uh Uh, actually, sir, uh I wanted to talk to you about annie and me.
I used to take her to work with me.
I'm an insurance investigator.
One of the best.
You wanna know why? Why? I can tell a liar a mile away.
You can? Oh, yeah.
I know if you've torched a building.
I know if you're faking whiplash.
I'm clairvoyant that way.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
So what was it you wanted to talk to me about? Actually, it can wait till tomorrow.
All good.
All right, then.
Oh, by the way, I, uh, I sleep with my eyes open.
It was hell in 'nam, but it's useful now In case anything tries to slip into my daughter's room.
Sleep well.
* stone-Cold stairway stone-Cold hallway * You want me to beat him up for you? Really? You'd do that for me? Yeah.
You're uptight, but you deserve better than this.
I do.
I deserved a heads-up, a simple heads-up.
I thought i meant enough to him for a heads-up.
* streets are older time is wiser * * everybody knows * * hands will come together * You know i don't really like you.
I know.
* hands will hold * * the river runs the bridge's lights * * the road runs like a drum * * and i love * * an american boy * * just one * * just one * Morning.
Morning.
Uh, your chimney damper's screwed up.
That makes two of us, apparently.
Although it is becoming a disturbing trend for me to kiss men i barely know, I didn't Mean to kiss you last night, cash.
I apologize.
Yeah.
So much for your house rules, huh? "No kissing strange women in the house"? I'm not a strange woman.
I don't know about that.
You are hard to like.
And you are easy to kiss.
We are not gonna kiss again, cash.
That was a 1-Time offer fueled by alcohol and self-Pity.
I give it a week.
That kind of arrogance is not gonna make you attractive to women.
It worked on you.
* dream along with me * * i'm on my way to a star * * come along, come along * I'm glad we went with the charcoal gray.
Aah! Aah! Hey.
This is my brother danny.
How you doing, bro? Great.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You, uh, you meet the shoe-Thrower yet? Danny! Yeah, yeah.
Your dad's super nice.
Good guy.
If the knicks lose, someone's gonna die.
Did you ask him yet? No, uh, just just picking my moment.
Don't wait too long.
I want to announce it to everyone, so we can really celebrate.
Ahh! Hi! Oh, hi.
Uh Jane! You made it! Danny, this is my friend jane.
Ah, my future bride.
Don't you think you're rushing this a little? I'm pregnant.
Is it mine? Are you calling me a slut? You're funny.
Well, you're cute.
Yay! Okay, see you next tuesday, 5:00 p.
M.
Hey.
Hey.
So you're avoiding me.
Oh.
I figure it's either my tourniquet technique, or it's the the whole dating a minister thing.
Eric, i-- I know that the man of the cloth thing--It's It's a bit of a buzz kill.
It's not you.
But i understand if it is.
But i-I promise, just because i'm a minister doesn't mean i'm gonna make you eat your vegetables.
It's just not gonna work.
Look, i-I I certainly don't date a lot here, But it just-- it seems to me that That we have something.
I'm gonna spare you the pain of wasting your goodness on me.
Okay? I used to be a prostitute.
I did it to support my kid.
I did it to get by.
Whatever.
The point is, i did it, And you're a minister, so there you go.
I like you, eric, but sooner or later, god's gonna get in the way.
These family parties are so embarrassing.
Oh, i don't know.
I liked your uncle's little trick.
Not everyone can pop a glass eye out of their head without their hands.
Okay, you're very kind and easily entertained.
Perhaps.
What? Nothing.
It's just You're very different from the, uh, the last guy i dated.
Oh, we're-- We're dating now? Okay.
That calls for a drink.
Why not? Uh, my father keeps this place dry as a bone, but he does--He has a, uh, hiding place.
You just, uh, hang on.
Oh! Ooh, you're bad.
Uh, to jane.
To jane, a very sexy and smart lady Who has now promised to go to the dog park with me.
But i will not clean up the poop.
Fair enough.
No poop.
* one glance from her * Jane? Yes, danny? I feel like Feel like i've known you forever.
I know.
Isn't it weird? Can i kiss you? I don't know.
Can you? For pete's sake, daniel.
Grandpa michael patrick finally managed to get off the senior citizen bus.
Your father wants everyone to gather in the dining room.
This is your moment, patrick.
I have called everyone here for a very special announcement.
Uh, mr.
O'donnell, i-- one moment, please.
Someone in this room is living a lie, and he knows who he is.
He has been lying to all of us, And it's time he comes clean, or there will be dire consequences.
Annie and i have sex! Patrick! This isn't about you yet.
It's about danny.
It's about my son who i love.
I love you, danny.
It's about my drunk son danny.
Is this an intervention? Oh, not again.
"Every time I smell the booze on your breath, "It reminds me of those summer days back in paris "With the convertibles and the anisette and the whores.
" Danny, will you get help today? I thought the family was all getting together to meet patrick.
Well, when daddy heard you were coming, he knew that that would be a good opportunity to get everybody together to do this.
Why didn't you tell me? Anne elizabeth, everyone knows you cannot keep a secret.
I didn't tell you i was sleeping with patrick.
One sin at a time, darling.
It's your turn.
Oh, can i pass? Uh, we just met.
We've barely had a drink together.
You're drunk? Now? Right here in my house? It was your champagne, pops.
Just give me the slipper.
I'll hit myself with it.
Hey.
Hey! Hi.
Well, congratulations.
Oh.
Oh, you heard.
You're about a day and six vodkas too late.
Jerome told me.
Couldn't you he told me yourself, jack? I mean, i know i'm not the first girl that you think about these days, but Couldn't you have thought about me at all? I came by last night to talk, But you were busy.
Oh.
Listen, i i care about you, And i wanted to tell you myself.
Are you doing this for me, or are you doing it because you want to make yourself feel better? Oh.
Okay, i can't win here, And i'm getting sick of people second-Guessing what i'm doing.
Oh, well, then by all means, you have my blessing, 'cause that's about all i have left to give.
Hey, you know what i'll never get? Is why you could open your heart to someone who broke it into pieces, but you couldn't open it to someone who Just wanted to heal it.
I'm--I'm sorry.
So am i.
Would you like to read your letter? He doesn't have anything to say.
Uh, actually, i do.
You--you do? Yes, uh, i do.
Uh I'm patrick bachelor.
I'm--I'm not a member of this family yet, uh, But i love annie, And i guess, danny, if i had to say something to you, it's that you should go get help, So that maybe one day you can find an amazing girl like annie or jane.
Thank you.
You have a great family, uh, a family that loves you.
Do it for them.
Do it for annie, the girl i love and the girl i intend to marry.
Oh! Oh! Patrick! Wow.
Okay.
I'll go.
Y-You will? Oh! Yeah.
I'll get clean for jane.
Oh, uh, you don't have to do that.
I think we're done.
Call me from rehab.
Well well done.
Welcome to the family.
* they tried to make me go to rehab i said, no, no, no * * yes, i been black, but when i come back no, no, no * * i ain't got the time * Ma, i got some big news about me and annie.
So do i, honey.
Okay, i'll go first.
He gave me his blessing--Mr.
O'donnell! He said any man who can convince his drunk son to go to rehab is worth keeping in the family! Rehab? Yeah! Oh, i got to go to my first intervention.
You are gonna love these guys, ma, and they are gonna love you.
Oh, patrick.
Ma? Yes? This is the happiest day of my life.
Okay, now you go.
* there's nothing you can teach me * Watch your wallet.
Ma, i love you.
Love you too, son.
* from yester halfaway * * go, go, go * * i won't go, go, go * What?! I have a permit for this now.
We're never telling them.
We're not? Mommai, you're a rookie, and i'm a veteran, And let me tell you something.
That boy is happy.
That's all you could ever want as a mother-- To hear your boy that happy.
We have to do the right thing and keep this to ourselves forever.
Forever? So help you buddha.
I'll see what i can do.
* taking the gloves off, baby, my hat's off * My predecessor abe lincoln once said, "When i do good, i feel good.
When i do bad, i feel bad.
" If only it were that black and white.
Sometimes doing the right thing makes you feel everything but good.
It can feel scary.
Oh, it doesn't fit.
Uncomfortable.
* working around it, taking the gloves off * * working around it, keeping our pants on * Because even when you make the right choices, The bad things can still happen.
Sara jackson? Yeah.
You've been served.
* i took the dogs out walking in the midnight dark * Oh, my god.
As much as we want them, there are no guarantees.
All we can do is have faith That if we actith our heart, The things we do will one day make us feel right.
* working around it, taking the gloves off * * working around it, keeping our pants on * * working around it * Even if sometimes the thing we do feels just a little wrong.
* i was wrong, hallelujah * * i was wrong, hallelujah *