S#*! My Dad Says s01e17 Episode Script

Is it ready yet? - Oh, I love clam chowder night.
- That's right! My clam chowder's like a good woman! Hot, little chunky in the bottom, and goes down easy.
I thought that's what you said about flan.
No, no.
Flan is like a good woman Because it's sweet, jiggly, and cheapest in Mexico.
That's right.
I knew it was something pro-woman.
Wow.
It says in the Tribune, there's been another robbery in the neighborhood.
Yeah.
That's the problem with society these days.
No respect for private property.
Since when do we get the Tribune? We don't.
It's the neighbor's.
They said the last house that was broken into, was like two blocks away from here.
Dad, maybe we should get an alarm.
I have an alarm.
Your room is next to the front door.
I hear your girly scream, I'm up.
Well, Vince and I have some exciting news.
In order to try to get pregnant, we are going to try something new.
The Bouncing Cowboy! - I-I don't even know what that is.
Oh, I wear a shower cap.
I crouch no, no, Ed! Ed, no.
No.
We are we are going to go to a Fertility Clinic.
Yeah.
I'm going to manually release my sperms into a cup, and they're gonna shoot 'em up into Bonnie's uterus.
Why do you have to do this on Chowder night? Well, because I'm ovulating, and my doctor thinks I could get pregnant because I have enough Cervical Mucus.
I meant I'm trying to eat my Chowder.
Oh, sorry.
We're just excited.
- Eat your Chowder.
- Speaking of excited, - I'm gonna make love to Rosemary.
- Come on! I can't believe you two haven't done that yet.
You always told me the two things you won't wait for are sex and pigeons in the road.
Well, they loiter.
Get your crumb, fly away! Anyway, Rosemary wants to wait, so tomorrow is the one-month anniversary of our first date.
So I'm gonna make a little dinner, put on a little Billie holiday record.
Oh, that sounds romantic.
So y'all gotta get the hell out, 'cause it's gonna get loud and messy! Hey, I'm glad that you're watching this, but I gotta tell you, nobody is gonna pay any of those women for sex.
Their homes are filthy! Ed, it's called hoar ders.
Hoarders.
Well, still Where are you now? I'm in bed.
Where are you? Uh, I'm in bed.
So, um What are you wearing? - Ed, I don't want to do that.
- Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
What are you wearing? It's, um It it it's just a little nightie And, um Nothing else.
What are you wearing? Well, I just came back from the gym.
I was shredding my bis.
Yeah.
And so I'm, uh Wearing a cut-off shirt And nothing else.
It's like a sexy Barney Rubble.
Thank you.
Want me to come over there to show you? Remember, this is our month anniversary.
No, no, it's not.
Not till tomorrow.
Well, technically, that's today.
01 in 57 seconds.
I got a digital watch.
I use it to time my reps.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
What was that? Reps.
Short for repetitions.
I doA set of 12 I'm lying.
I just downed about a gallon of clam chowder.
No, no.
I heard something outside my house.
- Probably a raccoon.
- No, no.
It sounds like someone's trying to get inside my house.
- What? Don't panic! - Okay.
You know, there have been a lot of burglaries in the neighborhood lately.
I think it's probably that same guy who's been stealing my paper.
I should have gotten an alarm system.
Or at least a window sticker that says I have an alarm system.
Or a dog.
Or a sticker that says I have a dog! Ed! Oh, Ed, I think there's someone in the house now! Ed! Where are you? Hello? - Aah! - Are you okay? Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! My God, you're carrying a gun! Oh, my God, you're not wearing a nightie! What are you doing with that gun? What do you got on your nose? Ed, what are you doing with a gun? It's my gun you've seen it hanging in my living room.
I thought it was decorative.
It is! Somebody tries to break in here, I'll decorate his face with it! What's the matter? I'm sorry.
I just don't believe in guns.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
It's right here.
You can touch it.
I know they exist! I just don't think that everyone should be allowed to have one.
I mean, you came in here, you could have accidentally shot me! Impossible.
I'm fully trained on gun safety.
Look, you'll spend the night over at my place.
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I'm not gonna be where there's a loaded weapon.
But you're being unreasonable.
I've had guns all my life.
I've never had one accident.
Well, that's how I feel.
I'm sorry, ed.
And I would appreciate it if you would get your gun out of my house.
Fine.
I will.
I'll go.
I'll just but first, I'd like to check your closet.
Oh, you don't have to.
There's nobody in my closet.
I've been here the whole time.
That's not what I'm looking for.
You even own a nightie? Wish us luck.
We're off to make a baby! And don't worry, Ed.
We're gonna stay out of your way tonight.
We know that you have your big night with that poor, unsuspecting woman next door.
Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.
We had an argument.
She thinks guns are dangerous.
Well, they are dangerous.
Only if you don't know how to use them.
Every guy has a penis.
Not every woman has an orgasm.
- That's not tru - I hear ya.
No, I just I was saying that I could I heard what he said.
Rosemary said she wouldn't come over here if I didn't lock up the gun.
- Well, then what'd you say? - Then don't come over here! - That's totally unreasonable! - What are you doing? Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
There's two sides to every story.
He's right, he's right.
What's your side? I don't wanna lock up my gun! She has no right to tell me what to do with my gun! Ed, do you wanna be right, or do you wanna get laid? That's true.
I've never been both.
- Vince Goodson.
- Ready! Wow, that's, uh that's rather ambitious.
Do I have to fill the whole thing? I hope not.
That's my ice coffee.
This is for you.
You're in room three.
There'll be material in there to help you.
Material? Adult material.
Adult material? I porn? Just put your junk in the cup.
Okay, well guess I'm gonna go, uh Do the deed.
You're gonna be okay.
I know you can do this.
Think of it this way it's like you've been practicing for this your whole life.
- Fill this out, please.
- Okay.
So, uhHow'd you get into this line of work? Well, my mother collected semen, and her mother before her.
- Bonnie.
- Wow, that was fast.
Even for you.
No, I I-I didn't do anything.
The pornography in there is filthy.
I mean Really filthy.
I mean, I'm talking Japanese businessman filthy.
- Yikes! - Yeah, it just doesn't It doesn't feel right trying to make our baby while watching that stuff.
Can't you use your imagination? I can't! I've got the Jeopardy! theme song stuck in my head.
All I see is Alex Trebek.
And that only gets me so far.
Sure wish you could help me.
Well, honey, I'm not allowed in the room with you.
Maybe you could stand by the door and talk me through it.
You mean talk about stuff, you know, that we would do? Yeah.
You and me.
You, me, and the nurse.
- Whatever.
- Please don't, please don't.
You go ahead.
I'll put this down.
I'll meet you there.
Hey, Vince.
Hey, big baby.
Yeah.
I called you a baby.
'Cause you're a big, sexy baby.
And you been a bad boy! Ma-mama's gonna spank you.
You like when mama spanks you, don't you? Don't you, Vince? - What? - Huh? - Hi.
- Aah! What are you doing? I was just getting a glass of water.
Besides, they switched me to room six.
Lady, you can't stop now.
Perv! Go! Go! - What are we gonna do.
- I don't know.
I just wish we had some regular, old-fashioned erotic cinema.
- Where are we gonna get that? - I don't know, I hey, who do we know who's available in the middle of the day and knows a lot about porno? - Go for the H-dog.
Henry? Don't move.
Oh, my God, Ed! Oh, Ed, I can't believe you were robbed.
Are you okay? Are you hurt? No, no, I'm fine.
He cleaned me out, Rosemary.
Bastard cleaned me out.
Oh, that's terrible.
Oh, that's just so terrible.
That's that's just pretty much looks the same.
Well, look closer.
See the the collage Of wooden seagulls on the fireplace hanging? They're gone.
The tennis lithograph in the bathroom gone.
The "I heart Miami" mug gone! Well, I'm pretty sure you can replace the mug.
It was filled with pennies! - Did he take anything else? - Nothing important.
Henry's computer, flat screen, iPad, but nothing important.
Then he left.
Ed, I I'm so sorry.
Yeah, me too.
See, this wouldn't have happened if my gun was here! Well, if it had been here, someone could have been shot.
Yes! The guy who robbed me.
Do you see the importance of having a gun in the house? No, I don't.
I don't think it's worth shooting someone over a mug of pennies.
There was nickels and dimes in there too! Didn't mention it because I'm trying hard not to be mad at you.
Why would you be mad at me? 'Cause this is all your fault! If you had slept with me when I asked you We wouldn't be having this conversation.
I'm having a hard time following you.
If you and I had slept together after our first date like normal human beings I would have been at your house.
Why would you have been at my house? Because your sheets are fresh and clean! My bed is littered with saltine crackers! My house would have been locked.
The gun would have been on the rack.
And I would have been a happy, Bouncing Cowboy! So basically you're saying you got robbed because I'm not a slut.
NYes.
Gee, gosh, I'm sorry, Ed I'm not a slut, and I don't like guns.
Then we have nothing in common.
Well, then maybe we shouldn't be together.
Maybe we shouldn't.
- God, you are so stubborn.
- And you're a tight-ass.
Well, this is one tight ass you will not be seeing anytime soon.
Okay.
So I found a video store, which was not easy, and they rent porn.
Apparently, nobody here has ever heard of the Internet.
So what exactly am I looking for? Okay, well, look, we're trying to make a baby here, so I need something tasteful and beautiful.
Girl on girl.
No, no, no! Maybe.
Not porny porn.
Don't worry, I'll just get you a bunch of - Henry? - Oh, my God, Rebecca! Hmm.
Sounds like a good one.
He's getting us, oh, my God, Rebecca.
Wow! I haven't seen you sinceCamp! That's right! Camp log n' twig! Log n' twig? I don't know.
Sounds kinda gay.
You know, I like the whole summer camp area.
Go in that direction.
- I'm sorry, a-are you on the phone? Nope.
- Hello? - Rosemary, it's Ed Goodson.
Your neighbour.
You just broke up with me.
I know who it is.
Well, I'm calling to say that I'm sorry the way things ended today.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
I had no right to blame you for who you are.
If you don't wanna be a gun-toting slut You must have your reasons.
Well, I blame it on my upbringing.
I had two parents who loved me.
We all have our demons.
Anyway, if it's all the same to you, I'd like to remain friends.
Yeah.
I'd like that too.
Good.
So what are you wearing? Ed, what what are you doing? I'm trying to initiate breakup sex.
We should break up more often.
No, no.
Your body's as beautiful as I remember.
Thank you.
That's very sweet when did you ever see my body before? We live next door to each other, remember? About ten years ago.
By accident.
Couple times after that when I got your routine down.
Just joking.
Or am I UmEd.
Yes, my dear? About your gun.
Well, listen, I'm gonna need at least another half-hour, Rosemary.
Your shotgun.
I still have a real problem with that.
You don't like guns.
I do.
Who cares if we're different? Don't you see? That's the fun of it.
Well, it's true.
I've never made love to somebody who rings a bell when they're finished.
It's an Old Navy thing.
Would you like some ice cream? I have got a '96 Breyers, strawberry-chocolate swirl.
That I've been saving for a special occasion.
- Oh, that sounds perfect.
- Yeah? Vince! Sometimes think he leaves the spoon in there just to taunt me! I'm gonna go get some ice cream.
If I'm not back in 30 minutes Start without me.
Oh.
At least maybe I'll get to ring the bell.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
Or am I? Henry's not answering.
Oh, God, he's worthless.
All right, go home, get the one porno you have, and come right back here.
Porno? I don't know what you're talking about.
You know, the one in the cabinet with the door that sounds like Chewbacca when you open it.
Yes, I-I know the Chewbacca cabinet, but what is this porno of which you speak? Honey, you know, the one You get out and watch in our room whenever you think I'm sleeping.
UhOkay, again, I don't know what you're talking about.
AndYou're not sleeping? No.
I mean, you looked really peaceful never! Not once.
Now, go! Ed, is that you? Who's there? Is somebody there? If If there's somebody there, you you need to know that I have a gun! Vince Again, I I am so sorry.
Ohlt'll be fine.
My dad says the fingernails grow back by themselves.
He'll have full use of that hand in a couple of weeks.
If it makes you feel any better, he's right-handed.
He hardly has any use for that left hand.
There is one thing.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm never asleep, honey.
Never asleep.
- I'm so upset.
I-I-I just still I still can't believe I shot you! Rosemary, really it's fine.
Can't say the same for his porno.
It's like I can't believe I fired a gun! Guns don't kill pornos.
People kill pornos.
You you think this is funny, Ed? This is not funny! This is very serious.
I could have killed somebody! But you oh, never mind.
I-I can't do this.
It doesn't matter.
I we're over.
This is over, and I-I mean it this time.
- Were you coming or what? - Right behind you.