New Girl s01e17 Episode Script

Buying a phone is a big deal.
Think how long you'll have this thing.
It's like buying a car or a bra.
Eight years, man.
Ow.
Hey, sorry, I was just checking your credit score and I got this number that's crazily low.
- I'll try again.
- Don't bother.
I'm sure it's right.
- Seriously? - Are you kidding me? Two-fifty? You get 150 just for being alive.
Hey, Mojan, we got a 250 credit score! I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off.
Do you have a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? - Can he have one? MOJAN: Claire.
Brendan.
- This guy's got a 250 credit score.
- They're bringing everybody out? [SALES PEOPLE LAUGHlNG.]
- Look at this.
- There, 250.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've been doing this a long time.
I've just never seen a score this low.
Did you just wake up from a coma? [JESS CHUCKLES.]
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess JESS: You've always wanted a thing.
This could be your thing.
- Like, "the guy with no phone.
" NlCK: Well, who is that guy? - I don't wanna be that guy.
JESS: No, no.
It's mysterious.
It's like, "l wanna call Nick Miller.
" "You can't.
He doesn't have a phone.
" "What?" You can go Ghost Protocol on everyone.
See, that's cool.
I always wanted to be a mole person.
SHELBY: Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia.
We were in the Greek mythology zone.
You knew every question.
SCHMlDT: Perseus, lcarus, Medusa.
Medus-deuce.
Guys, you're shouting.
You knew every answer.
What was the tiebreaker you got? - Calvin Coolidge's birthplace? - Little Plymouth Notch, son.
- Wow.
I'm done with this.
Shelby, wanna - How did you know that? Question: How do you forget that? Answer: You don't.
- Jar! I'm gonna jar myself on that one.
SHELBY: Boom.
I mean, he's like a trivia god.
Winston, don't worry about it, man.
It's your public school education.
You'll catch up.
Jar again.
- Excuse me? - Oh, hi.
Yeah, hi.
I'm Russell Schiller, Sarah's dad.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, yes.
I'm Jessica Day.
- Did you just curtsy? - I did, yes.
I did.
- ls this a bad time? - Nope.
No, no, no.
I was just cleaning up from the Sexual Health class.
I had to take condoms off 30 cucumbers, and condoms are harder to take off than I thought.
I know how to put them on, but not how to take them off.
I guess someone else has always done it for me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I just got off a flight from London.
Maybe I'm a little out of it.
[lN ENGLlSH ACCENT.]
Oh, London.
Did you have a busy sch-- Schedule? [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Did you have fun? No, I was advising a merger.
Oh, fair enough.
You wanted to talk to me about Sarah's art.
So this is one of the pieces she did.
- Um - Oh.
That one is called At the Mall With Grandma.
She made it in dream-cess which is where I let the kids have time to create something.
Sarah's gonna opt out of dream-cess from now on.
She'll use that same time to review her other schoolwork with a tutor.
Oh.
Did you talk to Sarah about this? I don't need to.
I want her to know fractions before high school.
I follow the curriculum.
My daughter is wearing dolls' heads around her neck.
So whatever you're doing, keep it up.
I talk to your daughter every single day.
Do you? Because hiring a tutor is not the same thing - as spending time with her.
- I'm her father, not her friend.
I know what she needs.
Give my best to Mrs.
Monogamy.
He's the third largest donor in the city.
We take his money and then what? We answer to him? - You're asking me to give up my integrity? - Yes.
We need his money.
So he pulls his donation.
You know what? I'll raise the money myself.
I'll get a ragtag group of kids together.
A lost soul an orphan a Jewish kid with a keyboard a little slut who can dance and one fatso.
And I'll choreograph some dances and make a show.
You did that already.
It's called the spring musical.
It brought in $60.
- Please don't make me apologize.
- You're gonna go to his office.
Say that you were wrong.
Say you're never gonna let the kids do anything creative ever again.
From now on, your classroom is full-on North Korea.
Math, math, math! Make sure he doesn't pull the donation.
When he was yelling, did he do that thing with his mouth? You know, that little smile thing? You know, like-- Like, where he goes, "Mm.
" - That's really weird, Tanya.
- Apologize.
- Why'd you make me look stupid last night? - Wait, what? Which of the five Great Lakes is located entirely in the United States? - Lake Erie? - lf Lake Michigan didn't exist and we won a fictional U.
S.
- Canada war.
- Lake Michigan.
- Correct.
Another point.
- Nice.
- Boom.
Want me to take a dive next time? - Take a dive? - You know pretend you know more than me when Shelby's around so it seems like you're smarter.
You'd do the same thing for me.
Wow.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You think because you know facts about Princess Kate - that you're smarter? - First, Kate is a duchess.
And whip-smart, by all accounts.
Second of all, don't be so prideful.
Look, man, there's nothing wrong with being the second smartest.
Let me take that back.
- Jess is a teacher of children.
- You memorize facts.
I can memorize facts.
- That doesn't make you smart.
- Okay, well, maybe but I'm definitely smarter than you.
Whew.
Glutes are done.
I'm gonna go to the stairwell.
Work on my calves.
- Come with? - Hell, no.
You sure? I need to grovel.
I hate groveling.
I would've lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King.
I think about that all the time.
- You do? - Know how much I grovel on a daily basis? It is literally obscene.
But come the weekend I'm the one who's filling up my cart with Fila, Nautica, lmpulse Fila, Hilfiger - CK, BR leather cuff, and more Fila.
- This is the problem, Jess.
It's rich people.
We are right where they want us, Jess.
Just suckling on the teat of consumerism.
- Yeah.
- The reason I got rid of my phone.
You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.
- lt doesn't matter.
- You weigh more than your credit score.
I'm here now, and I'm loving it.
I'm the guy with no phone.
I mean, right now, I'm writing a letter to my friend Kev seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday.
"What up, Kev? You in? Nick Miller.
" Yeah, Nick, he might pull the funding from the school so I'm a bit-- Blame your period.
I've actually done this before.
I mean, both parties knew that I was lying, obviously but it didn't matter because they knew that I had utterly humiliated myself.
And at the end of the day, they respected that.
I'm sorry, I just feel like someone should suggest a simple apology.
I know that's not where we're headed, but I'm just gonna go on record and say I think you should apologize, like a human.
No, no, I'm going with Nick because I don't think I have to apologize.
Yeah, just so march into his office and say, "Hey, Mr.
Fancyman you can't tell me what to do.
Your money doesn't own me.
" And then throw away your phone.
I'll throw my phone in the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people.
Actually, scratch that.
My mom's got your number in case of emergency.
I want her to think that I can bring something to the table.
I care about this girl, Elvin.
I want her to be my girlfriend.
She sees me, all she sees is a part-time nanny.
That's a - You are a part-time nanny.
- I want her to think I'm smart.
What about fake glasses? It worked for me.
Okay, okay, I'm on my way to his office, and I have a speech I wrote for Fancyman.
- I wanna practice it.
- Why are you listening to Nick? - It's a horrible idea.
- Ghost Protocol, man.
You're using my phone.
It's not Ghost Protocol.
It's you using my phone.
This is a group call.
I'm talking in my living room and it happens to go into that box.
I'm gonna start with a quote against Social Darwinism discuss the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country then I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power.
" [ENGlNE SPLUTTERlNG.]
NlCK: Bad finish.
SCHMlDT: What is that? - Are you driving a lawn mower? - No, I just-- WOMAN: Come on! - My car.
NlCK: Look, this is a great opportunity.
You need to ask yourself where are you even going? SCHMlDT: Buy a new car.
NlCK: You don't need a car.
Oh, my car stalled out.
Can you guys come and help me push it? Yeah, yeah, we'll be down in a few minutes.
MAN: Hey, can I help you? - What? Oh, hi.
JESS: Uh-- Mr.
Schiller.
- How'd you know I was here? - Driving by, I saw you.
My office is right here.
Oh.
Oh.
What a coincidence.
I had no idea.
- Weird.
- What's wrong with the car? - The guy sounds like a matinee idol.
- Shut up, Schmidt.
I'm just pushing it to the nearest gas station.
It's a mile away, so I'm fine.
I know a guy.
He'll be here in 10.
- Oh, no, Mr.
Schiller.
- Russell.
I can take care of myself.
It's how I was raised.
I wasn't raised with money.
When something broke, we pretended it worked.
Some of my best memories are pushing this car around on family vacations.
[PHONE BEEPlNG.]
Okay.
Oh, yeah, tow truck's on the way.
Look, that's very nice and generous of you, but I really-- I mean, I need my car and Here, let me help you.
Take mine.
- What? - Take mine.
- Here.
- No.
- Come on, take mine.
- I don't know how to drive cars that work.
Drop it off tomorrow.
I'm having a party.
Cookout.
Come on over anytime.
Come on.
JESS: Thank you so much.
This is amazing.
I will return it washed tomorrow.
- Do you think it's a superhero? - No.
I think it's Jess and some weird guy.
- Miss Day? - Jess.
You can call me Jess.
Great.
I'll see you tomorrow, Jess.
Go is the one on the right.
The one on the left is stop.
Thanks.
- What kind of car? An SL? Push ignition? - We are the 99 percent.
We are the 99 - percent.
SCHMlDT: Push ignition? Tell me it's not a hybrid.
And then he gives me his car, just hands me the keys.
It's, like, so, ugh Rich people, they're always giving you their cars.
It's like "let them eat cars.
" You know what he's doing.
He's taking back the power.
So I have to go to his cookout, and instead of standing up to him - I have to grovel.
- Just a thought.
What if he likes you? - Ugh.
No, I hate him.
- This guy is single and he's sweet.
Sweet? No.
He's not sweet.
I would never go for that guy.
- Why? - Because he's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer.
You know me.
I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.
I like an underdog.
- Spencer didn't even own sheets.
- Yeah.
He slept on a pile of washcloths.
Can I say something you're not gonna like? - No.
- Maybe Russell intimidates you because you wouldn't take care of him.
He'd take care of you - and that just terrifies you.
- Uh, no.
Spencer wore jellies.
How many pounds in a metric ton? Two thousand two hundred and four point six.
Next.
- ln 1948, Albert became the first what-- - American monkey in space.
Let's go.
- This ancient-- - Mesopotamia.
Hit me.
You didn't actually know what a Mesopotamia is.
Of course I know what Mesopotamia is.
Don't be crazy.
Use it in a sentence.
Look, there's Mesopotamia.
JESS: I'm gonna have to draw on your hatred of rich people for this, okay? - Hate me up.
NlCK: Well, for starters, look at this place.
JESS: I know.
Ugh.
NlCK: I'm betting at one point there was a moat.
- Rich boy punk.
JESS: Heh, heh.
NlCK This hallway is excessive.
It's braggy.
I guess everyone's out back.
Ugh.
Look at this place, Jess.
Are you kidding me? So over-the-top.
A kitchen island? Be a man.
Let your counter attach to itself.
It's like, "l can't chop vegetables here, I need to do it here.
Love me, love me.
" We're making an egg, not going to outer space, guys.
Right.
Nice burn.
Whoa.
Makes me wanna sit by the fire and talk about how annoying Gandhi is.
Whoa.
Something's happening to me, Jess.
I wanna sit at that desk and veto a law.
What are you doing? That's someone's stuff.
I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.
Nick, this man stands for everything you hate.
I'm President Miller! You're all fired! And bring our boys home.
Okay, this is how evil geniuses are born.
Smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.
I wanna wear this cap.
You're not helping me.
Nick, I know this room is beautiful gentlemanly and it smells like Christmas, but you have to stay strong.
I'm gonna go find Russell.
Keep playing with that duck.
I wanna kill you because I respect you.
I think I understand hunting! [CHATTERlNG.]
[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
- Hello, Russell.
- Hey, Jess.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, the mechanic called.
Your car is done.
He also wanted me to communicate to you that you need to change your oil.
[JESS CHUCKLES.]
I wanna, first of all, say thank you, Russell.
Second of all, I want to say I know you donate a lot of money to the school but-- - You think I'm a snob.
- No, no, no.
I have nothing against people who live in enormous mansions.
Jess, I'm 42.
I've made a lot of money and I enjoy spending it.
- You gotta try one of these.
- Oh.
Deconstructed spring roll.
It's delicious.
- Oh.
- Try it.
Oh, my God.
This is so amazing I wanna punch you.
Russell.
Russell, come tell Caroline about that time you delivered that baby.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- You delivered a baby? RUSSELL: It was twins, actually.
- Twins? - Are you wearing my sweater? - No.
Yes.
It was on the back of the chair.
I thought the sweater belonged to it.
I thought it was a chair sweater.
Those exist.
- I'm Nick.
- You know Jess.
I'm Jess's roommate.
I'm the guy with no phone, if she's told you.
My thing.
- Why don't you have a phone? - I don't wanna be tied to a corporate system.
And no one would give me one.
Low credit rating.
Yeah.
When I was your age, I had a skinny ponytail and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.
That's funny.
Then what happened? One day you woke up and you had this? Well, I realized I wanted to grow up.
That's what happened.
I got this as a gift from the company for Christmas.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
My boss gave me three credit cards he found at the bar and said, "You didn't get these from me.
" Heh, heh.
It's a bartender joke.
I'm a bartender.
We don't steal credit cards.
Cool, cool.
- Here.
Take it.
- No, no.
I can't take your phone.
It just-- It feels really good in my hand.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object? Yes, it is.
It really is.
You can keep the sweater.
Thanks.
I don't know why I put it on, to be honest with you.
I just came in here and it smelled like Shakespeare.
If Shakespeare were a damn cowboy.
And hawk's nest and boat fuel and cigars and bourbon.
Man stuff.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Yeah, sure.
Hey, Russell, why are you being so nice to me? Well, you're Jess' friend, right? Now, you fold that sweater.
Don't hang it.
You listening to me? Fold it.
I don't care.
Do whatever you want.
Heh, heh.
That was really funny, man! Why did l? [TOlLET SPEAKlNG lN JAPANESE.]
Bidet if I do.
Yup, yup, yup.
[WATER SPLASHlNG.]
Oh, my God.
Aah! Aah! - Oh, my God.
Shut up.
RUSSELL: Jess, is that you? - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
What do I press? RUSSELL: What's wrong? Sorry, Jess, I'm coming in.
- Oh, my God.
- What's going on? - Oh, my God.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, my.
- I just pressed some buttons - with cartoon characters.
- It's Japanese.
Of course it's a Japanese bidet.
Of course you have a Japanese bidet.
Look, Russell, I wanna tell you that I am not sorry about what I said because Sarah is 12 and she is creative.
And I don't care if you pull your donation I am not gonna grovel.
Why'd you think I would pull the donation? I would never do that.
Okay.
Oh, jeez.
You did some really deep cleaning here.
JESS: Oh, God.
- Jess.
Jess, wait.
Jess, you put it up to six happy faces.
I've never gone past three.
Jess, why are we leaving? And why are you all wet? You take a bath in his tub because you wanted to see what it'd feel like to be him? I get that.
No.
I wanna leave because we don't fit in here, Nick.
I know I've been saying don't give in to this guy but I don't think you should run from him.
Because no matter where you go, he could find you.
I believe that.
- No, running's good.
I'm gonna run.
- Jess, stop.
Look, this may complicate things - but I'm in love with him.
- Shut up.
I won't shut up.
He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.
- You're ridiculous, Nick.
Let's go.
- I am ridiculous, okay? But no.
Be a grown-up.
He likes you, Jess.
Go back in there.
I think it'd be good for you.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him.
Just do it.
Don't be intimidated because you're younger poorer and wetter than everybody in there.
Goldfinger.
No, I meant to say Golden Hinde.
Golden Hinde is what I meant to say.
- Ooh.
No.
- Winston, you are all over the place.
The Green Bay Packers did not invent the T formation nor was Crispin Glover the first to die in the Revolutionary War.
- This is supposed to be fun.
- I don't wanna look stupid - in front of everybody.
- You're not.
Well, I mean, he did skip Earth when listing the planets.
SHELBY: What has gotten into you today? I just didn't want you to think I was an idiot.
You tried to memorize all the trivia answers? Winston, I don't want some smart, rich guy who owns his own car.
I want to be with you.
I don't care if you don't know Ernest Hemingway's birthplace.
Oak Park, lllinois.
So, what are you saying? Are we doing this? Is this real? Like, are you my girlfriend? Because if that's what you're saying, that would make me very happy.
Mm.
Me too.
Shelby, be careful with his mustache, please.
It's very delicate.
I can't watch this anymore.
Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing.
Am I talking too much? I don't wanna ruin the moment.
Know what? If this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio and she'd be yelling down at you, saying: [lN NEW YORK ACCENT.]
"You look beautiful.
The two of you are a beautiful couple.
I'm glad you found one another.
" [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
But she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist.
You want me to put on some Jodeci? [CHATTERlNG.]
- Hey, there you are.
I was looking for you.
- Okay.
Listen.
I'm not used to people who have it all together.
I think - you scare me.
- Oh, no.
I don't I don't have it all together.
I don't even know how to talk to my own kid.
I can't remember last time she hugged me using both arms.
She said she wanted to go bra shopping and so I bought her a ski vest.
Look, every eye roll means you're doing something right.
- Really? - No, that's what I tell parents to make them feel better.
Jess, will you have dinner with me? - Yes.
- Great.
Good.
- Should l, um, text you, or-- ? - No.
I'll call.
Great.
- Okay, cool.
- All right, cool.
[JESS GRUNTS.]
RUSSELL: Oh, no.
- Jess! Why are you in the koi pond? RUSSELL: Jess, are you okay? Come here.
JESS: Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Koi in my dress! - Koi in my dress! Aah! RUSSELL: Are you all right? - Oh, you got a fish in your dress.
JESS: Oh! I didn't ask you! I'm talking to you.
You wanna come in here and charge me a billion dollars? [LAUGHlNG.]
That's nothing to me! You want it? You want it? You're off the streets.
I don't want to either.
You're the best cop I got.
This is President Miller of Earth.
I'd like to speak to the galactic emperor, please.
Yeah, it's about money.
I'll push a piece of paper across the desk I've written a little number on.
Why don't I just tell you? It's $5 kabillion.
So, what do you say? Is China mine, Mr.
Ying?