Reaper s01e17 Episode Script

GARFIELD.
HEATHCLIFF.
GARFIELD.
HEATHCLIFF.
MY GOD,MAN,ARE YOU DEAF,DUMB,AND BLIND? GARFIELD IS,BY FAR,AMERICA'S FAVORITE FAT CAT.
IT'S A MATTER OF TASTE.
I FIND HEATHCLIFF CHARMING.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
STILL HAVING THE GREAT DEBATE? GARFIELD.
WELL,JUST SO YOU KNOW,THE STORE'S BEEN CLOSED FOR AN HOUR.
WHAT? I'VE DONE ALL YOUR CLOSE-OUT WORK AND YOU'RE BOTH BUYING ME BEER.
FINE.
THIS DISCUSSION IS TABLED UNTIL WE GET TO THE BAR, WHERE SAMUEL WILL MODERATE.
YEAH,GREAT.
JUST LET ME GET MY JACKET.
AH,THERE HE IS.
LOOKING SHARP,MAN.
YOU DON'T THINK MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN THE APRON OFF THOUGH? WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT YOU TO MEET MIKE VOLTA.
MIKE,THIS IS SAM.
HOW'S IT GOING? HEY.
SIT A SPELL.
WE'VE ONLY ORDERED APPS.
YEAH,I CAN'T.
I HAVE PLANS.
I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET ANDY AND THE GUYS.
WELL,THEN ISN'T IT NICE YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
NOW SIT.
SO THERE I AM.
ONE MINUTE I'M TAKING ROOM SERVICE TO SUITE 14 AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW I'M IN BED WITH THIS HEAVENLY CREATURE NAMED LINDA.
OH,YOU HOUND.
WHICH WOULD BE GREAT IF HER HUSBAND DIDN'T WALK IN WITH A GUN.
OH,MY! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? UNNECESSARY.
WELL,YOU WERE BANGING HIS WIFE.
THAT IS SO TRUE.
BANG,BANG.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW I GOT OUT OF IT.
IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING,ACTUALLY.
I STARTED CRYING.
OH,HO HO,PERFECT.
PERFECT.
YOU STARTING CRYING? COME ON,IT'S KIND OF GENIUS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO SHOOT A MAN WHO'S CRYING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL? IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
OH,MY GOD.
YES,OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU.
I HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER.
AH,YOUNG LOVE.
SO SWEET.
INNOCENT.
QUITE THE CHALLENGE.
THAT? IS NO CHALLENGE AT ALL.
PROVE IT.
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT? THERE'S A VESSEL UNDER YOUR CHAIR.
YOU TAKE IT,YOU FOLLOW MIKE,YOU CAPTURE HIM.
QUICK AND QUIET.
WAIT.
HE'S A SOUL? AND A DANGEROUS ONE,HE'S AS SLICK AS THEY COME.
I WANTED TO PERSONALLY MAKE SURE THAT THERE WERE NO MISTAKES.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED THIS GUY.
HE DISGUSTS ME.
CAN YOU BELIEVE HE HAD THE STONES TO INVITE ME TO DINNER? HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE COULD CHARM THE DEVIL.
IF YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH,WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE CARE OF HIM YOURSELF? THAT'S NOT MY JOB.
ME,DEVIL.
YOU,MINION.
I'M NOT GONNA SULLY MY HANDS WITH THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE.
NOW GET TO IT! DON'T LET HIM START TALKING.
JUST POINT AND SHOOT.
POINT AND SHOOT.
Mike: CLAIRE,WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT? WHOA,WHOA,WHOA,SAM.
WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY,HERE.
DAMN,MAN.
NOT COOL.
SHE HAD A TONGUE RING.
WHAT'S THAT YOU GOT THERE? IT'S A VESSEL.
FOR REAL? AW,SON OF A BITCH.
LET ME JUST SAY ONE THING IN MY DEFENSE.
SORRY.
WE WAITED AT THE BAR FOR YOU FOR TWO HOURS,SAM.
THIS ISN'T FAIR.
I MEAN,I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DEVIL CAN YOU KNOW,ZAP YOU AWAY WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT.
ANDI,THAT'S HOW THE DEAL WORKS.
I'VE COME TO ACCEPT IT.
BEING RESIGNED TO MY STUPID FATE MAKES MY LIFE EASIER.
I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THIS.
ANDI,I'VE TRIED TO GET OUT OF IT.
MY DAD HAS TRIED.
ALL SIGNS POINT TO ME BEING SCREWED.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
NEXT.
HEY,GLADYS.
THIS IS ANDI.
MY GIRLFRIEND.
YOU DON'T LOOK MENTALLY DEFECTIVE.
DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF DEFORMITY? YOU MEAN LIKE HORNS STICKING OUT OF MY HEAD? NO.
I LIKE HER.
PLACE THE VESSEL ON THE MAT.
Next I THINK YOU JUST GOT OFFICIAL DEMON APPROVAL.
OOH,THAT'S GOING ON MY RESUME.
OK,????????PUSH.
AH,COME ON! IT'S NOT CLOSING! YOU'RE NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
COME ON.
KISS ME.
KISS ME NOW.
AH,NICE.
GET A LITTLE TONGUE IN THERE,SARA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THE IMMIGRATION OFFICER IS HERE TALKING TO TED.
CHECKING OUT OUR STORY.
MAKE IT LOOK REAL.
BEN AND SARA GONZALES? YES? WE'RE MR.
AND MRS.
GONZALES.
AGENT PAPELBON,IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS.
I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO YOUR CASE, AND I NEED TO DO SOME VERIFICATION.
ARE YOU TWO AVAILABLE FOR A FORMAL INTERVIEW TOMORROW, -SAY AROUND 4:00? -OF COURSE.
WELL,THAT IS,OF COURSE, UNLESS THE NEWLYWEDS ARE BUSY HAVING THE SEX.
WE ARE INSATIABLE.
ALL OUR FRIENDS SAY SO.
SAVE IT FOR THE INTERVIEW.
WHOA! WAIT,WAIT! PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BACK! SAM,MIKE VOLTA IS FREE.
DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT? NO! NO! I SWEAR! I DROPPED THE VESSEL OFF THIS MORNING.
-YOU ARE AN ASS.
-MY APOLOGIES,KIDDO.
I'M NOT MYSELF,SAMMY.
THIS SOUL MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A REAL CHUMP.
HE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SPIT IN MY FACE.
I MEAN,HELL IS BECOMING A REVOLVING DOOR FOR THIS CHARACTER.
WELL,HOW'S HE GETTING OUT? WELL,THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE EXPLANATION.
SOMEONE IS HELPING MIKE VOLTA FROM THE INSIDE.
WE HAVE A MOLE IN HELL.
AND I WILL FIND HIM.
THE TORTURE TRAIN IS GOING TO BE ROLLING DOWNSTAIRS UNTIL SOMEONE TALKS.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
I'M NOT WORRIED.
LIMBS WILL BE QUARTERED AND LOINS WILL BE SEARED.
BETTER CHECK YOUR MAIL.
MIKE,HEY! RIGHT.
THANKS,HONEY.
GOOD MAGIC.
HEY THERE,BUDDY.
YOU MIND IF I PUT ON MY PANTS FIRST? YEAH,YEAH.
HURRY IT UP.
YOU REALIZE I'M JUST GONNA GET OUT AGAIN.
AND AGAIN.
SEEMS LIKE A BIG WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME.
IF I WERE YOU,I'D JUST LET ME GO.
SORRY,MIKE.
CAN'T DO IT.
CAN'T BLAME A GUY FOR TRYING.
RIGHT? AT LEAST LET'S MAKE A MEMORY.
WHAT THE HELL SAY CHEESE.
CHEESE.
PLACE THE VESSEL ON THE MAT.
IS THERE A PROBLEM? WELL,I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE HE GOES IN.
THE DEVIL SORTA TRIED TO BREAK MY NECK WHEN HE GOT OUT THE LAST TIME.
NO OFFENSE.
I'M SURE YOU DO A GREAT JOB.
.
-SATISFIED? -COMPLETELY.
NEXT.
-CAN I HAVE THE COMICS WHEN YOU'RE DONE? -OF COURSE.
THANKS.
SAM.
OH,SAM.
! -HEY.
-OK,ALL RIGHT.
SEE YOU TOO.
I'M JUST GLAD YOU'RE ALL RIGHT,YOU KNOW.
YOUR "BOSS," WORD HAS IT,IS ON THE WARPATH OVER A SOUL WHO KEEPS,UH SO I'M JUST- I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU ARE NOT AMONG THE BODY COUNT.
NO.
I'M FINE.
WELL,GOOD.
WELL,IF I CAN HELP YOU IN ANY WAY, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
HEY,HOW ABOUT HELPING SAM OUT OF HIS DEAL WITH THE DEVIL? WELL,THAT'S A THAT IS A PRETTY TALL ORDER.
YOU KNOW,I MEAN,ONCE YOU SELL YOUR SOUL, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH A ROCK SOLID DEAL.
I CAN'T THINK OF HOW ANY WAY THAT YOU CAN BREAK THAT.
YEAH,BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN SELL HIS SOUL.
HIS PARENTS DID.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
ANDI,MY DAD'S BEEN LOOKING AT THE CONTRACT FOR MONTHS.
IF THERE WAS A WAY OUT OF THIS, HE WOULD'VE FOUND IT.
WELL,MAYBE TONY CAN LOOK AT IT.
WILL YOU? YES,YES,SURE, -BRING IT ON BY AND I'LL TAKE A GANDER.
-GREAT.
HERE WE GO.
TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE.
WE PUT THESE TOGETHER WITH PHOTOSHOP.
SEE? THERE'S OUR FAKE WEDDING.
FAKE APPLE PICKING.
FAKE HONEYMOON IN MEXICO.
WELL,WHAT DO YOU THINK? PRETTY GOOD,RIGHT? I MEAN,'CAUSE WE TOTALLY LOOK MARRIED.
THESE ARE SO WEAK.
THEY'RE IDIOTIC.
-WE NEED SOME NAKED PHOTOS OF YOU IN HERE ASAP.
-WHAT? WHY? IF YOU WANT ANY CHANCE IN HELL OF MAKING THIS MARRIAGE SEEM BELIEVABLE, YOU HAVE TO SELL THE PASSION,THE HEAT.
ALL RIGHT,WHAT THE SPANISH CALL "EL FUEGO.
" NAKED PHOTOS IN A FAMILY ALBUM,SOCK? YEAH,BEN,THAT'S WHAT LOVING COUPLES DO,OK? JOSIE AND I HAVE ENOUGH PHOTOS OF EACH OTHER'S JUNK TO FILL A LIBRARY.
PLUS JOHNNY IMMIGRATION WILL BE SO SHOCKED, HE'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER.
THAT MAKES SOME SENSE.
YEAH,THAT'S WHY I SAID IT.
ALL RIGHT,I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A FEW SNAPS THAT WORK.
GIVE 'EM.
THESE ARE LOVELY.
-TASTEFULLY GRAPHIC.
-THANK YOU.
OK.
GOOD.
BENJAMIN,RIP OF THAT SHIRT.
WE GOT TO GET YOU LUBED UP.
NO.
I'M NOT TAKING NAKED PICTURES.
OH,COME ON,DON'T- DON'T BE EMBARRASSED,YOU LITTLE SHY GUY.
ALL RIGHT,I'LL GET NAKED WITH YOU.
I'M NOT EMBARRASSED,IT'S JUST STUPID.
BENJAMIN,WE NEED TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND IN ORDER TO GET THEM TO BELIEVE US.
OTHERWISE,IF THEY DON'T, YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL AND I'M GONNA GET KICKED OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN.
SO STOP YOUR WHINING AND GET YOUR SHIRT OFF,NOW.
FINE.
BUT NO FULL FRONTAL.
WELL,LET'S JUST SEE HOW IT GOES,ALL RIGHT? HOLD IT.
-HEY,SAM.
-OUT ALREADY? YEAH,I JUST STAYED DOWN LONG ENOUGH TO WORK ON MY TAN.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -I CAME TO GET YOU.
NOT "GET YOU" LIKE A MONSTER.
GET YOU TO GO OUT.
OUT WHERE? I SUGGEST CLUB RENDEZVOUS FOR TONIGHT.
THE LADIES THERE ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
MAYBE TOMORROW WE'LL HIT THE GADABOUT ROOM.
IT'S A SATURDAY NIGHT INSTITUTION.
WHY WOULD I GO OUT WITH YOU? BECAUSE IT'S FUN.
BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.
AND BECAUSE WITH ME AS YOUR WINGMAN, YOU'LL BE SWIMMING IN SWEETIES WITHIN THE HOUR.
DO YOU OWN A TIE? LISTEN,IF I DON'T BRING YOU IN, THE DEVIL WILL KILL ME.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S MY JOB.
AND I RESPECT THAT.
BUT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL REASON THE DEVIL'S OUT TO GET ME? JEALOUSY.
HE WATCHES GUYS LIKE US OUT THERE ENJOYING OURSELVES.
BUT WHAT DOES HE ENJOY? UH,MAKING PEOPLE MISERABLE.
EXACTLY.
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN HE'S MISERABLE.
HE WOULDN'T KNOW A GOOD TIME IF IT BIT HIM ON THE ASS.
HE'S THE OPPOSITE OF FUN.
HE'S A FUN SUCKER.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I MEAN,WHAT'S MY CRIME? I LOVE WOMEN.
THEY LOVE ME.
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A SINNER,SAM.
ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS THIS IS YOU.
YOU KNOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU WHEN I GET THE VESSEL.
AH,BACK TO CAT AND MOUSE.
GOOD TIMES.
JUST GIVE ME A HEAD START,OK? AH! IT WASN'T EASY.
BUT WE GOT IT DONE,BUDDY.
TEAMWORK.
WINSTON,A DRINK FOR MY MAN.
YEAH,I TOOK A LOT OF ELBOW GREASE.
LOT OF LIMBS RENT FROM A LOT OF TORSOS.
BUT EVERYBODY STARTED SINGING LIKE CANARIES.
NOW HELL IS SEALED TIGHT AS A DRUM.
AND NOW,IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THERE'S A DEMON ABOUT PITCHFORK DEEP IN MIKE'S ASS AS WE SPEAK.
MIKE WAS JUST IN MY ELEVATOR.
NOT NOW,WINSTON.
NOT NOW.
I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU,SAMMY.
I HAVE SOME SERIOUS EGG ON MY FACE.
YOU KNOW,I'M STARTING TO FEEL THAT MAYBE TORTURE ISN'T THE WAY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU KNOW? LIKE MAYBE PEOPLE JUST TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR SO THAT YOU STOP PULLING OUT THEIR FINGERNAILS.
I DON'T GET IT.
-WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THIS GUY.
-I'M NOT OBSESSED.
I SIMPLY DEMAND A MODICUM OF RESPECT FROM THE SOULS IN MY DOMAIN.
I WON'T BE DISSED,SAM.
BECAUSE I GOT TO TELL YOU, HE DOESN'T REALLY SEEM LIKE THAT BAD OF A GUY.
THAT'S HOW IT BEGINS,SEE? "HE'S NOT THAT BAD OF A GUY.
-ALL HE'S DOING IS CHASING TAIL AND HAVING FUN.
" -WELL,YEAH.
AND WHILE YOU'RE STANDING THERE DEVELOPING YOUR MAN CRUSH, YOU COMPLETELY IGNORE THE DESTRUCTION HE CAUSES.
-WHAT DESTRUCTION? -WHAT DESTRUCTION? WHAT DESTRUCTION,SAM? THIS IS WHERE I CAUGHT MIKE.
IS HE HERE? NO.
HE DOESN'T NEED TO COME BACK.
THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE.
JAMES AND LUELLA CARVER LIVED IN THIS HOUSE FOR ABOUT AS LONG AS THEY WERE MARRIED.
YOU KNOW,THEY NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED BEING UNFAITHFUL TO ONE ANOTHER.
NOT ONCE.
THAT IS UNTIL MIKE VOLTA ENTERED THE PICTURE AND SET HIS SITES ON LUELLA.
THIS IS WHAT MIKE VOLTA DOES.
HE TAKES LOVE AND COMMITMENT AND DESTROYS IT EVERY CHANCE HE GETS.
BUT,HEY,OTHER THAN THAT HE'S A GREAT GUY,RIGHT? I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
I WANT HIM BACK,SAM.
NO MORE EXCUSES.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A FAMILY ALBUM WITH SO MUCH NUDITY.
IT'S,UM,JARRING.
GOT TO KEEP THINGS FRESH,HAVEN'T YOU? SO,SARA,HOW DID YOU TWO MEET? I WAS WAITING IN LINE FOR THE FERRIS WHEEL WHEN HE COMES ALONG AND ASKS IF WE COULD SHARE A SEAT.
YES,THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I REMEMBER IT.
ok.
BEN,TELL ME ABOUT SARA'S MOTHER.
DO YOU TWO GET ALONG? BARBARA? YES,WE GET ALONG VERY WELL.
IT SAYS HERE HER MOTHER'S NAME IS SUSAN.
I GET CONFUSED.
MY MOTHER'S NAME IS BARBARA.
SAYS HERE YOUR MOTHER'S NAME IS CANDACE.
IS EVERYONE'S MOUTH REALLY DRY? OK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST GOING TO CUT RIGHT TO IT.
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU TWO ARE LYING.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO RED FLAG THIS CASE.
YOU'VE GOT THE WEEKEND.
I SUGGEST YOU BOTH OBTAIN LEGAL COUNSEL.
EXPECT TO BE IN FRONT OF A JUDGE MONDAY MORNING.
YOU WILL BE ON A PLANE HOME MONDAY NIGHT.
AND YOU WILL BE IN JAIL.
THANKS FOR THE LAUGH.
SAM'S BEEN IN THERE A WHILE.
-HOPE EVERYTHING'S GOING OK.
-YEAH.
THINK MIKE WILL BE AT THE CLUB TONIGHT? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
-SAM SAID IT'S ONE OF HIS FAVS,SO AWAY WE GO.
-ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF WHICH IT'S KIND OF AN UPSCALE JOINT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD SWING BY YOUR HOUSE SO YOU CAN GET CHANGED OUT OF THAT.
NO.
NO.
I'M GONNA WEAR THIS.
WELL,LOOK WHAT YOU'RE WEARING.
I'M A GUY,ANDI.
GUYS DON'T HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP,OK? IF I WEAR THIS OUT TO A CLUB, I'M TELLING THE WORLD ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY- -"I DON'T IRON.
" -NO! I'M TELLING THE WORLD THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME,OK? BESIDES,THE LADIES WANT IT.
WELL,YOU KNOW I USUALLY DON'T GO TO PLACES LIKE THIS ANYWAY.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
-YEAH,IT PROBABLY DOESN'T MATTER.
-NOPE.
SO WHAT ABOUT THE HAIR THOUGH? WHAT-WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HAIR? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT CUTTING IT? GO FOR A LITTLE TASTY WAIF PAGEBOY THING? LIKE THAT SKATER? REMEMBER HER? SHE LOOKED LIKE A BOY,BUT SHE WAS HOT.
-I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
-THERE'S OUR BOY.
HEY,IS THAT THE CONTRACT? THAT THING IS MASSIVE.
SAM IS SO SCREWED.
HEY.
OH,MY GOD.
THAT WAS SO AWKWARD.
YOU WALKED IN ON THEM HAVING SEX.
NO.
IT'S LIKE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME.
MY DAD GAVE ME THIS WHOLE GUILT TRIP ABOUT HOW I DIDN'T TRUST HIM.
OK,STILL WATCHING,STILL WAVING.
HI,SAM'S HOT MOM.
-ALL RIGHT,LET'S LET'S GO.
-BYE! SO WHY WOULD A SOUL TELL YOU WHERE HE'S GONNA BE PARTYING? HE WANTED ME TO GO OUT WITH HIM, JUST TRYING TO GET ME LAID.
-SO DID YOU TELL HIM YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? -HOLD ON.
HEY,HEY,BENJI,IT'S SOCK.
WE'RE ALMOST TO THE CLUB.
WERE YOU ABLE TO GET IN? YOU'LL- OK,DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM THAT RIGHT NOW? YOU WANT TO TELL THEM THAT.
YOU WANT TO TELL THEM- OK,HANG ON.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HUG YOU,OK? OK.
ALL RIGHT,OK.
SEE YOU IN A BIT.
HE SOUNDS HAMMERED.
IMMIGRATION INTERVIEW MUST HAVE GONE WELL YEAH.
THE WAY HE'S CELEBRATING.
OW,PARTY! YEAH! FEEL THE BEAT! BENNY.
BENNY.
BENNY.
WHAT IS WITH YOU,MAN? HEY,HEY,SAMMY.
IMMIGRATION BUSTED MY ASS.
-THEY BUSTED IT WIDE OPEN.
-WHAT? AND I'M GOING TO JAIL,OK? SO THIS IS MY LAST WEEKEND OF FREEDOM, AND I'M GOING OUT IN STYLE.
OK? BENNY,BENNY.
OH,MY GOD.
WE GOT TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
WE GOT TO GET YOU- CASSIDY,I'M GOING TO THE BIGHOUSE,BABY.
AND I'LL NEED YOU TO WAIT FOR ME,OK? OK! YOU'RE ALL RIGHT! YOU'RE ALL RIGHT! THIS IS MY BIG NIGHT.
MY BIG NIGHT! HEY,BENJI.
BENJI,COME ON! BENJI! FREEDOM! SWEET FREEDOM! TAKE MY PICTURE NOW.
I FEEL THE NIGHT AIR ON MY NIPPLES.
I'M ALIVE.
OH! -HEY,OK,YOU ALL RIGHT? -OH,I CAN'T FEEL MY THING.
DID YOU GUYS SEE THE CAR THAT HIT ME? OH,THERE IT IS.
HEY,YOU! -SAM,LOOK.
-GET BACK HERE,YOU BASTARD! YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL AROUND WITH MY GIRL? THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S MIKE.
-HE WAS WITH GLADYS.
-WHAT? HEY! WELL,LOOK AT THAT.
SHE'S HERE.
WHAT DOES OL' GLADENSTEIN THINK SHE'S UP TO? IT MAKES SENSE.
MIKE ESCAPED FROM HELL SO EASILY BECAUSE HE NEVER GOT THERE.
GLADYS IS THE LEAK.
SO DOES THAT ALSO MEAN SHE'S HIS LOVER? OH,THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET HER! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! I CAN'T GET A CLEAR SHOT.
OUT OF MY WAY,GLADYS! OVER MY DEAD BODY! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.
I'M TALKING TO HIM.
GIVE IT UP,MIKE.
LET'S GO.
MOVE! NO! DON'T DO ANYTHING,OK? NOBODY HAS TO GET HURT.
PLEASE.
THEN LET ME WALK OUT OF HERE OR SHE DIES.
OH,COME ON.
REALLY? HA HA! GO AHEAD,DO IT.
SEE IF I CARE.
SERIOUSLY.
YOU COULD HAVE PICKED ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE BIG BAD UNIVERSE TO GRAB AS A HUMAN SHIELD.
YOU GRAB THE ONE THING THAT I CARE THE LEAST ABOUT.
ZERO.
NO FEELINGS.
I MEAN,YOU COULD HAVE GRABBED THAT OLD TV GUIDE OVER THERE AND HELD A KNIFE TO IT, AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CONFLICTED.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT,GIVE IT UP.
PUT THE SHIV DOWN.
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO- OH,GOD.
GO GET HIM! -GUYS -WHAT? I THINK SHE'S DEAD.
OH,MY GOD.
OK,SAM ???? PICK HER UP! OH,SHE'S HEAVY.
I DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS THIS HEAVY.
I'LL GET THE DOOR.
GET THE DOOR.
ALL RIGHT,I GOT HER.
WATCH HER HEAD.
YOU ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD,GET IN.
NO,YOU GET IN.
FINE! GO! THIS IS SO AWFUL.
WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO WITH A DEAD DEMON BODY? I DID THIS.
THIS IS MY FAULT.
NO,MIKE DID THIS.
YEAH,BUT I ENCOURAGED HIM.
I SAID THAT WE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HER.
AND NOW LOOK AT HER.
SHE'S DEAD! OH,OH,GOD,I FEEL TERRIBLE.
I'M GONNA BARF.
YOU GUYS,WE HAVE TO THINK.
WE CANNOT DRIVE AROUND WITH A DEAD BODY.
WE SHOULD BURY HER.
SOMEPLACE BEAUTIFUL.
OR LIGHT HER ON FIRE LIKE A VIKING.
GET A STACK OF WOOD.
LET'S GO TO TONY'S.
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
-SEATBELTS,RIGHT? SAFETY FIRST.
-YES.
YES.
ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON,BUT I DON'T SEE HIM.
ALL RIGHT,LET'S JUST GO INTO THE WOODS AND FIND A PLACE TO DIG A GRAVE.
I'M GONNA SAY A PRAYER WHEN WE DO IT.
SOCK,SHE'S A DEMON.
I DON'T THINK SHE'D WANT PRAYERS.
I'M GONNA SING SOME SABBATH WHEN WE DO IT.
THAT'LL BE REAL NICE,SOCK.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
ANDI,GRAB A BARREL.
ARGH! AAH! SH-SHE'S DEAD.
SHE'S DEAD.
YEAH.
WE'RE ABOUT TO BURY HER.
YOU SOBER? Andi: THAT'S IT.
Sock: ONCE AGAIN.
HEY,HOW ABOUT HERE? NO.
NO.
WE GOT TO BURY GLADYS IN THE PERFECT SPOT.
Benji: WHERE IS THIS PERFECT SPOT? I'LL KNOW WHEN I SEE IT.
IT'LL PROBABLY HAVE A WATERFALL.
NO! ALL RIGHT,THAT'S IT,SOCK.
WE'RE BURYING HER RIGHT HERE.
WHAT'S THAT? HEY,GUYS,I SAW YOUR CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS? WELL,REMEMBER HOW WE WANTED YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT MY DEAL WITH THE DEVIL? SURE.
WELL,WE BROUGHT A DEAD BODY TO BURY.
ALSO.
HMM.
OK.
LET'S DO THAT.
WATCH OUT.
OH! OH,GOD.
UH,I DON'T THINK SHE'LL FIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE COULD FOLD HER.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT,OK,I'LL DO IT.
I'LL DO IT.
I OWE HER THAT MUCH.
COMING IN,GLADYS.
SAM.
I'M GONNA HAVE MY BUDDY LOOK AT THAT CONTRACT RIGHT AWAY.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, WE'RE GONNA BREAK THIS DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.
I PROMISE.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
OK,GUYS,COME ON.
EULOGY TIME.
HERE LIES GLADYS.
AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.
OH,THE GODDESS OF THE DMV.
WAIT A SECOND.
SHE A DEMON? YEAH.
YEAH,SHE'S THE ONE THE DEVIL'S BEEN LOOKING FOR.
THE SOUL KILLED HER.
REALLY? JUST A SECOND.
UH! THERE WE GO.
WHAT DID YOU DO? SHE'LL BE FINE.
MORTAL WEAPONS,THEY CAN'T KILL US.
GLADYS? AH! AAH! WHOA! WHOA! THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
GLADYS,THE DEVIL KNOWS SOMEONE'S HELPING MIKE ESCAPE.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HE FINDS OUT IT'S YOU.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
WHERE IS HE? DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
AND I WOULDN'T TELL YOU IF I DID KNOW.
THANKS FOR NOT BURYING ME ALIVE.
GLADYS,JUST TELL ME ONE THING.
WHY RISK IT ALL FOR THAT JERK? I MEAN,HE TRIED TO KILL YOU.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I JUST GOT TIRED OF BEING LONELY.
NEXT.
CAN I HELP YOU? YES,I BELIEVE YOU CAN.
HELLO,GLADYS.
YOU KNOW,I HEAR THAT CONFESSING ONE'S SINS IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.
FIRST OFF,YOU'RE A COMPLETE MORON TO EVEN BE IN THIS SITUATION.
NO ONE DISPUTES THAT I AM A MORON.
I TRIED TO STOP HIM,BABY.
NO,YOU DIDN'T.
NO,I DIDN'T.
YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE CHARGED,THERE'S NO AVOIDING THAT, BUT IF YOU PAY THE FINE,YOU MIGHT AVOID JAIL TIME.
HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE? UH NONE.
I DO HAVE A SAVINGS ACCOUNT WITH 2,000 BUCKS.
NO,NO,HE DOESN'T.
NO.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THAT,BENZINE? YOU'VE BEEN SAVING THAT MONEY FOR FORMULA ONE RACING SCHOOL.
REMEMBER? THAT IS YOUR DREAM.
THAT IS OUR DREAM.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED MORE THAN TWO GRAND.
TRY DOUBLE THAT.
OH,I GUESS I CAN BORROW THE REST FROM MY GRANDMA.
YOU COULD.
WILL THIS COVER SARA,TOO? SARA HAS NO CHANCE.
THEY'RE GONNA DEPORT HER.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL HER.
HEY.
HEH HEH.
GOT YOU A PRETZEL.
I'M BEING DEPORTED,AREN'T I? I'M SO SORRY, AND IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I HAVE TO PAY A HUGE FINE.
I KIND OF FIGURED THIS MIGHT HAPPEN AND I MADE ALTERNATE ARRANGEMENTS.
I HAD A VERY CANDID DISCUSSION WITH OUR IMMIGRATION OFFICER.
HE HAS AGREED TO ACCEPT A B-R-I-B-E.
A BRIBE? IF WE PAY HIM,HE IS WILLING TO 'LOSE' THE FILE.
I DON'T GET KICKED OUT OF THE COUNTRY, YOU DON'T GO TO JAIL.
OK,BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL TO COVER UP SOMETHING ILLEGAL? I MEAN- MM-HMM.
SURE.
I MEAN,IF YOU'RE WILLING TO PAY YOUR LITTLE FINE AND JUST THROW ME TO THE WOLVES? THERE ARE NO WOLVES.
THEY'LL JUST BE SENDING YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO MANCHESTER,BEN? SMOKE STACKS.
CROWDS.
BLEAK.
ALL THAT'S LEFT FOR ME TO LOOK FORWARD TO THERE IS MY OLD STOOL IN MY FATHER'S MUSLIN PLANT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MUSLIN.
IF WE POOL OUR MONEY TOGETHER, WE CAN PERSUADE HIM TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE? I CAN GET 2,000 RIGHT AWAY,BUT- WITH MY 3,THAT MAKES $5,000, WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR A BRIBE,RIGHT? BEN I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY,SWEETHEART.
EVER SINCE YOU AGREED TO HELP ME OUT, I COULD SEE THAT YOU WERE VERY SPECIAL.
SO SELFLESS,SO READY TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE OUT AND SO RARE.
WITH ALL THIS IMMIGRATION BUSINESS, I KIND OF LOST SIGHT OF THAT.
FORGIVE ME? SURE.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
I'LL NEED THE MONEY BY 5.
OH,CASH ONLY,PLEASE.
SAM,SAM,LOOK.
Sam: HEY.
HI.
GLADYS,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IF YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR MIKE, THERE'S A CHURCH OUT ON RANGE ROAD.
HE'LL BE THERE TONIGHT AT 5.
WHY? HE LIKES TO CRASH WEDDINGS AND SLIP IT TO THE BLUSHING BRIDE.
CLASS ACT.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS NOW? YOU WERE NICER TO ME THAN MIKE EVER WAS.
THIS IS MY CAT,FANCY.
IF YOU'D LOOK AFTER HIM,I'D GREATLY APPRECIATE IT.
HE HAS A SKIN CONDITION, SO YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SQUEEZE HIS PUSTULES EVERY NOW AND THEN.
YEAH.
GLADYS,WHAT HAPPENED? I'VE BEEN REASSIGNED.
BACK DOWN TO HEAD OFFICE.
NO.
NO.
SAM.
WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.
I MEAN,YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING LIKE WHAT? I DUNNO,TALK TO THE DEVIL.
GET HIM TO LET HER GO.
NO,ANDI.
I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO THAT ASKING THE DEVIL FOR A FAVOR IS A BAD IDEA.
BESIDES,GLADYS IS A DEMON.
I BET SHE HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS IN HELL.
THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL FOR HER.
YOU THINK? SHE'LL BE FINE.
BUT I COULD BE WRONG.
THE CEREMONY SHOULD START ANY MINUTE MIKE'S PROBABLY KNEE-DEEP IN SOME HONEYMOON BY NOW.
LET'S GET IN THERE.
HEY.
Sam: WHOA,WHOA,WHOA.
YOU LOOK AMAZING.
WHAT'S WITH THE FANCY PANTS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU TOLD ME DRESS UP.
I DID NOT.
YES,YOU DID.
WHAT,YOU GUYS COULDN'T EVEN WEAR ONE OF YOUR TUXEDO T-SHIRTS? I MEAN,I KNOW EACH ONE OF YOU HAS ONE.
ACTUALLY,THERE'S JUST THE ONE.
WE SHARE.
IT'S A ROTATION.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S JUST DO THIS.
ALL RIGHT.
HI.
HELLO.
UH,NO.
SORRY.
I SAW "WEDDING CRASHERS" AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN.
OK.
SORRY.
THAT'S IT? THAT WAS YOUR BIG PLAN? HE SAW THE MOVIE.
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT? ALL RIGHT.
PLAN B TIME.
SET THE JOINT ON FIRE,SMOKE 'EM OUT.
SPLIT UP,CIRCLE AROUND THE BUILDING, FIND ANOTHER ENTRANCE.
MY PLAN B WAS BETTER.
HEY,DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE BRIDE ANYWHERE? UH,YEAH.
ACTUALLY,SHE- SHE JUST RAN UP THAT WAY.
UH MIKE? Man: ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT ME.
BUT TELL ME.
ISN'T THE BRIDE JUST GLOWING? MIKE? JUST COME OUT.
MAKE IT EASY.
Mike: HOW 'BOUT YOU RECONSIDER MY OFFER? YOU AND ME NEED TO JUST GET CRAZY AND HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER FOR ONCE.
YOU KILL PEOPLE,MIKE.
YOU TRIED TO KILL GLADYS.
AH,COME ON.
I KNEW SHE WOULDN'T DIE.
YEAH,WELL,SHE GOT SENT BACK TO HELL.
REALLY? TOO BAD I WON'T BE JOINING HER.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE CAREFUL OF THAT SHUTTER FINGER,SAM.
HOW MANY FLASHES DO YOU HAVE LEFT? CRAP.
YEAH,YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT MY WAY, BUT YOU HAD TO BE A HERO.
I USUALLY WORK ALONE,SAM, BUT WE MIGHT'VE MADE A GOOD TEAM,YOU AND ME.
YEAH,I'VE SEEN WHAT YOU DO.
I'VE SEEN THE CONSEQUENCES.
BUT SAM,THE CONSEQUENCES ARE THE BEST PART.
THE MOURNING AND SUFFERING OF HUSBANDS AND CHILDREN.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOUR LOVED ONES CRYING OVER YOU.
THAT HOT,LITTLE GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS, I BET SHE'LL NEED A LOT OF COMFORTING,SAM.
A LOT.
ALMOST,SAM.
SO CLOSE.
NO MORE FLASHES LEFT.
AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME,YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.
IF I WAS A NICE GUY,I'D MAKE THIS QUICK.
BUT I AM NOT NICE.
OHH! BOY.
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
HUH.
CAMERA REALLY DOES ADD 10 POUNDS.
IT'S SARA.
MAYBE SHE'S GOT AN UPDATE.
HEY,WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD? DID HE TAKE THE BRIBE? HELLO,MY DARLING.
YEAH,HI.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH IMMIGRATION? OH,NO.
THIS IS VERY AWKWARD.
THERE WAS NO BRIBE.
I MADE IT UP.
WHAT? WHY? WELL,I'M AFRAID I'VE GONE "ON THE LAM," AS THEY SAY.
BUT YOU HAVE MY MONEY AND THEY'RE GOING TO SEND ME TO JAIL.
BEN,WE DID TRY TO DEFRAUD YOUR GOVERNMENT.
WE BOTH KNEW THERE WAS A RISK OF IMPRISONMENT,DIDN'T WE? THANK YOU,DARLING.
BUT I'M THE ONLY ONE GOING TO JAIL.
BEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? JAIL WOULD ACTUALLY BE VERY,VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU NEED TOUGHENING UP.
YOU'RE VERY EASILY DUPED.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT TO HOP.
BUT LISTEN TO ME.
VERY GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
AND PLEASE KNOW THAT IN MY HEART, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST HUSBAND.
I LEFT YOU SOME MAC AND CHEESE IN THE FRIDGE.
YOU WEREN'T GONNA EAT THIS,WERE YOU? NO.
GO AHEAD.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
DON'T TELL ME THAT,KENNETH.
I PROMISED SAM THAT WE'D BE ABLE TO GET HIM OUT OF THIS DEAL.
THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THIS KID? WELL PRETTY WELL.
WHY? SOMEONE WENT THROUGH THIS AND VERY CAREFULLY REMOVED EVERY PAGE THAT REFERENCES WHO SAM'S FATHER IS.
WELL,THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? MY GUESS,TO HIDE THE IDENTITY OF SAM'S REAL FATHER.
WELL,WHO IS IT? YOU KNOW,FOR A GIRL TAKING HER MAN TO THE JOINT, YOU ARE REFRESHINGLY UNDERSTANDING.
THAT'S BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS IS OVER, MY BOYFRIEND'S NOT GONNA BE MARRIED ANYMORE.
THAT'S WEIRD.
HA HA.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS WHILE I'M IN JAIL.
IT'S ONLY 8 DAYS.
IT'LL GO FAST.
I GOT YOU SOME STUFF.
THERE'S A CALLING CARD FOR THE PAY PHONES, SOME MAGAZINES,OH,AND EARPLUGS, IN CASE YOUR CELLMATE SNORES.
THANK YOU,MAN,THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.
I GOT YOU A PRESENT,TOO,BEN.
YOU DID? YEAH.
PICK A HAND.
OH THIS ONE.
THAT ONE? YEAH.
OHHH! IT'S A MANLY BLACK EYE.
ALL RIGHT,LOOK, YOU CAN'T GO INTO THE CLINK WITH A PRETTY MUG LIKE THAT.
RIGHT? RIGHT? YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.
I KNOW.
GOOD.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
COME ON.
LET'S HAVE A 3-WAY.
HUG,I MEAN.
AH,THERE HE IS.
MAN OF THE HOUR.
YOU REALLY WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND,KIDDO.
TRULY EXCEPTIONAL JOB.
THANK YOU.
NO.
I MEAN IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN SHOW MY GRATITUDE THIS TIME.
TURKEY JERKY? HUH? I KNOW HOW YOU CAN THANK ME.
YEAH? GO AHEAD.
LET GLADYS GO.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT? BECAUSE IT'S GOOD BUSINESS.
DO TELL.
MIKE WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF HELL IN THE FIRST PLACE IF YOUR EMPLOYEES DIDN'T HATE YOUR GUTS.
SOULS ARE ESCAPING ALL THE TIME.
OH,BUT IF I MADE A GRAND GESTURE OF MERCY, SPARING A VALUED EMPLOYEE, THAT WOULD TURN THE TIDE AND BOOST LOYALTY.
IS THAT YOUR ARGUMENT? YEAH.
BASICALLY.
YOU REALLY TAKE THE CAKE,SAMMY.
YOU THINK YOU CAN FAST TALK THE DEVIL? I'VE DEBATED DANIEL WEBSTER AND YOU,SIR,ARE NO DANIEL WEBSTER.
HUH? NO MATTER WHAT ARGUMENT YOU MAKE, WHAT WORD YOU SAY, YOU WON'T CHANGE MY MIND.
HA HA.
PLEASE.
OH,COME ON.
TURN OFF THOSE PUPPY DOGS NOW,SAMMY.
PLEASE.
DO THIS FOR ME.
COME ON.
STOP.
ENOUGH.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF,MAN.
ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
SHE'S OUT.
IS SHE GONNA BE OK? YEAH.
SHE'LL WALK IT OFF.
HEY,YOU WANNA SPLIT THIS? SURE.
HA HA HA.
Kenneth: DO YOU BELIEVE IT NOW? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
TONY,THE KID JUST GOT THE DMV DEMON RELEASED.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW THE DEVIL SHOW MERCY? I DON'T KNOW.
TONY,YOUR REBEL FORCES WERE ANNIHILATED, BUT SAM WAS SOMEHOW MIRACULOUSLY SAVED.
WHY WOULD THE DEVIL SPARE HIM? SAM WAS JUST AS GUILTY AS EVERYONE ELSE.
LOOK AT THEM.
THEY HAVE A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP,TONY.
VERY SPECIAL.
IT'S TIME YOU RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH.
ALL RIGHT.
I BELIEVE IT.
SAM IS THE SON OF THE DEVIL.