Robot Chicken s01e17 Episode Script

It's alive! Aah! Mmm! Oh, no! Ohh! Ahh Yeah.
You're a bitch.
Ha ha ha ha! Sorry, little girl but Queen Beryl needs your life force in order to take over the planet earth.
Ha ha ha ha! Serena, change into Sailor Moon, quickly.
Right! Moon.
Prism.
Power.
Ohh In the name of the moon, I will punish Oh, my God.
Ha ha ha! Hmm! What? What is it? Oh, man! Oh! L I don't know why that happened.
- Jeez! - I'm so sorry.
That is so disrespectful of me.
You are pretty hot, though.
Should we still fight? Because I don't really want to anymore.
Um, you know, the moment has definitely passed.
All right.
See you next time maybe.
Yeah, sure.
OK.
Another time.
Aw, yeah, man.
I am ridged for her pleasure.
Big talk for a virgin.
If I poon enough noobs, I can raise my rank in the server from three to one.
Hee hee! Be our ninety-ninth caller right now to win our Mission: Impossible 3 contest.
Ooh, ooh.
Hello.
You're our ninety-ninth caller.
Excellent! You win your choice of a Gameboy Advance or a date with M:I 3 star Scarlett Johansson.
- Can I have both? - No.
Do I have to choose right now? - Yes.
- Uh Ooh Um Uh Um Oh Uh I guess I choose Scarlett Johansson.
Look.
Can't I just roll down the window and shake his hand? No.
The contest specifies lunch.
Crap in a hat.
So, do you ever play The Sims? I made a Scarlett Johansson Sim, and she lived in my house and sometimes we went in the hot tub together but I forgot to buy a fire extinguisher so there was a grease fire in the kitchen, and Scarlett died.
- Mm-hmm.
- Give us all your money.
Aah! Leave us alone, you hooligans.
Hyah! Ki-cha! - He fights like a tiger.
- Let's get out of here! That was so stellar.
Gary is totally gonna score now.
You You saved me.
You're my hero.
Mmm Do you take this be'hom to be your be'nal? Hyah! A-goo! Goo goo goo.
Scarlett, my love, there's something I must tell you before I die.
What is it, my love? I staged the whole fight on our first date.
I won your heart under false pretenses.
Oh, thank God.
I have something to tell you, too.
I'm not really Scarlett Johansson.
I was just a professional Scarlett Johansson impersonator.
Ahem.
My real name is Raymond Dibonatello from Queens, New York.
That explains why Scarlett Johansson had a giant Johansson.
Oh! Oh! Oh, go in peace, my angel! Queen Beryl, I have failed to bring you Sailor Moon's life force.
You fool! Your utter incompetence is dwarfed only by your sheer stupidity.
Ew! Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, your majesty.
I just I kind of like it when you yell at me.
It's hot.
It's my job to provide a bridge between the blokes at the top of the ladder like Cobra Commander and Serpentor and the peons at the bottom.
I help the peons feel valuable although it helps not to call them peons.
Here's that report you wanted, sir.
I told you not to staple it, wretch! So, I'm the bridge.
Yeah.
Cloning is an integral part of Cobra's plan for world domination.
- Hail Cobra! - Hail Cobra.
Basically, my job is to defrag the DNA sequencer before each cloning and juice the capacitor - Hail Cobra! - Hail Cobra.
And monitor the plasma feed.
I started out in accounting but there's a lot more room for advancement down here.
- Bail Nobra! - Bail Nobr oh.
Oh, hang on a second.
Yeah.
Well, you know, establishing the Cobra brand name is a priority for us, so we put the Cobra logo on just about everything.
Hey, safety is job one here at Cobra.
We fully comply with OSHA standards.
It's been thirty-four days since our last on-site accident.
The weather dominator exploded, and, uh, we lost about 110 guys.
You can still kind of see what's left of Scott Anderson up there.
We really should get that down.
You know, we've been chucking a softball at it but it's up there pretty good.
Interoffice romances are strictly forbidden.
There's a very good reason for that.
They're a distraction.
They cut down on productivity, and they always end badly.
Bwah ha ha ha! Training and reeducation isn't just about combat.
It's also about learning the whole Cobra mind set.
OK.
Let's say you want to take out the G.
I.
Joe quickly and quietly without alerting the other members of his unit.
Oh.
I'd use a gas pellet.
You're on the right track.
Um, I'd weave, like, a wicker basket and construct a robot snake in it that, like, shoots gas out of its mouth.
Excellent.
Anyone else? Oh, well, I'd totally do what Frank said with the basket and all, but I'd also yell, "Cobra!" - Perfect.
- Now I know.
And knowing is half the battle! Date rape! Date rape! Date rape! Date rape! Soon, I will have your life force, Sailor Moon and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition.
Ooh.
Anime sure is weird.
Ray Charles, you talented, but you ruined my life! Coming next Christmas Ray 2: Ray's Day Out.
Just like you ruined so many women before me.
It's not your fault your little brother fell into that washtub and drowned.
You got to face your problems.
Ow! Damn! Ray! My back's broken! Oh, God, Ray! You blind son of a bitch! You killed me, Ray! You blind son of a bitch! Waah! Ray 2: Ray's Day Out coming next Christmas.
Haw haw! Haw haw! Tonight, the top ten things Eddie Buttskin should never say.
Number ten If you die, could I have your room? Number nine Me so horny.
Me love you long time.
Number eight There's blood when I wipe.
Number seven I'm going to eat your face on TV, David Letterman.
Wait.
That's kind of specific.
Aah! Aah! Oh, God, help me! Oh, God! Aah! Aah! Aah! Mmm.
Ahh.
Ha ha! OK.
OK, guys.
That's a lot of Hey, quit it.
Hey, get off.
Hey, you guys, stop it! Come on! Stop! Is everyone ready for some hilarious home videos? We here at Bloopers central asked you to send in your tapes so we can produce this show for almost nothing.
We thought we'd see nut shots and seniors falling down but these tragedies kicked it up a notch bam! Did I say, "Bam"? Let's hope, for this guy's sake, that I didn't.
- Move it, Pop! - Out of the way, old man! Move your ass, damn it! Go! Whoo hoo! Now we're going! Ha ha ha! That's what you get.
Oh! And they say you can't solve the homeless problem.
Some problems can't be solved by sticking you nose in where it doesn't belong.
- Honey, be careful.
- Shut up.
Maybe a mechanic could fix it better.
I can do it if you'd just shut up.
Mama, I'm pregnant.
- No! - No! Hey, she told me she was on the pill.
And eighteen.
Hidden cameras can yield cherished memories or incriminating evidence.
The only X-factor is you.
- What are you doing, sweetie? - Oh, nothing, nothing.
- You ready? - Uh-huh.
Ohh huhh! Oh, god! Oh, I'm sorry.
You ing loser! You have failed me as a boyfriend, and you have failed yourself as a man Robot Chicken co-head writer Douglas Goldstein! Bet you didn't see that coming.
Matter of fact, neither did she.
This video was sent in by someone who found it in the woods.
Let's watch.
- Josh! - Michael! - I'm coming, Josh! - Wait for me, Michael! Michael, wait for me! Michael! Aah! Rumor has it, those kids were torn limb from limb.
Sometimes the best home videos can be taken away from home.
Just watch these crazy vacation videos.
Blaagh! That's all the time we have for this episode so come back next week for more hilarious home videos.
- Ba-gawk! - Bock.
Stupid monkey.