See Dad Run (2012) s01e17 Episode Script

Here comes the evil witch.
Aah! Don't just lie there, Princess Bella.
Save us.
[Falsetto.]
Princess Bella's exhausted.
We've been saving your little butts for four hours.
Amy, please, tap me out of this death match.
Janie, honey, let's give Princess Bella a chance to catch his breath.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm hmm.
Mommy, guess where Charlotte's going next year! Kindergarten! Wow, Sweetie, that's terrific! Can I go too, Mommy? Can I? Can I? - Can she? Can she? - [Laughs.]
Oh, we'll see.
"We'll see" is never good.
Look at this face.
Trust me, this isn't over.
See, she's ready.
But, David, the reason we haven't applied yet for Janie, is because she was born in December.
So technically she's She's old enough to start school.
But we could wait another year, so she's not the youngest in the class.
Oh, honey, if I'm being honest, I think Janie is so much more gifted than Joe and Emily, I really do.
She's special, she's the one.
[Laughs.]
You never want to play Princess Bella again, do you? Oh, please, Queen Amy, please, get me out of it! Okay, okay, let's apply.
- Yay! - Mm hmm.
Both: Yay! Let's play Princess Bella to celebrate.
[Falsetto.]
Hey, what do you say we play "Princess Bella smokes a cigar and watches the Laker game"? You wanna do that one? [Upbeat pop music.]
Guys, I need you to do me a favor this morning.
Take it easy on your Mother.
She's rehearsing a new character for her soap opera, all right? [New Jersey accent.]
Hey, yo.
Good morning, family.
How's it hanging, eh? How's what hanging? Real classy, Mom.
I got your classy right here, eh? Is there any freaking coffee? Yeah, Snooki, Snooki, let's reel it in.
We got three freaking kids over here.
[Normal voice.]
I'm sorry, guys.
I What happened to Sarah Desario? Oh, I'm still playing her.
But in this week's script, she's developed multiple personalities.
[New Jersey accent.]
This one's Dede Desario.
She's from Jersey and does "hay.
" - Hay? - "Hay.
" From Jersey and does "hay," she does "hay.
" [Normal voice.]
I'm saying "hair," Sweetie.
- Amy, Amy, forget about it! - I can't, David.
I've got to lock into this character.
[New Jersey accent.]
So it'd be real helpful if youse all could call me Dede for a couple of days.
Eh? Capisce? Capisce, Mommy.
Good.
Hey, everybody, ready for school, let's go.
[Normal voice.]
Oh, I see you started on the forms for the Brent view school.
I don't remember them being that long when Joe and Emily went there.
Uh huh, that's because I filled them out.
Always forget that part, don't you? That tone's bringing it all back to me.
[Laughs.]
You know, David, you might be on to something, sending Janie to kindergarten.
Might be fun for us to have a little empty-nest time.
- Whoa.
- Uh huh.
Yeah, you know, the grown-ups could, uh, you know, chirp-chirp, flap-flap - Wow.
- Spread our wings a little bit.
Wow.
As long as you don't lay any more eggs.
- [Laughs.]
- Huh? Oh, well, that wouldn't be an issue if you got your wings clipped, buddy.
Yeah? What? Yes, yes, yes, yes! - What are you doing? - Nothing now, buzzkill.
Just going over the application forms for Janie to get into Brent view.
- Remember when you went there? - How can I forget? Those were some of the darkest days of my life.
What are you talking about? I had a bad experience with a game of "truth or dare.
" I should have gone with "truth.
" I had nothing to hide.
Is this about the worm? I don't want to talk about it.
- What worm? - Bup-bup-bup! No worm-talk, please.
[New Jersey accent.]
Hmm.
Catch you later, sweet cheeks.
- Yeah, yeah, all right.
- Give me my coffee, eh? Morning, Amy.
You talking to me? Is he talking to me? No, he's not don't talk to her, come on.
- I wasn't talking to her.
- Good-bye, Dede, good-bye.
Good-bye, good-bye.
Here you go.
Extra shot.
Excellent, need it today.
Applying for kindergarten.
Oh, you'll get in.
- For Janie.
- Oh.
Emily! Emily, let's go! Hey, Marcus.
David, I got two words for you this morning; Grueling journey.
Well, I got two words for you: More fiber.
Not that grueling journey.
I'm talking about the TV show.
Oh, I love the grueling journey.
That's my favorite race-around-the-world reality show.
Mine too.
I think your Dad and I would be perfect for it.
[Scoffs.]
Him? On a survival show? He gets mad when he has to use the downstairs bathroom.
I will only do number two in my upstairs bathroom.
Yeah, I don't think he's your guy.
Come on, David, it would be fun.
I always wanted to see the world, meet exotic people, and tell them, "exotic person, "pull that rickshaw faster.
I'm trying to win a million dollars.
" [Imitates whip lashing.]
I got to pass.
I'm applying to get into kindergarten.
- You'll get in.
- Oh.
It's for Janie.
And besides, Marcus, if she gets in, I'll have all the free time I ever dreamed of since the show ended.
I'll team up with you, Marcus.
I-I'm very resourceful.
I can hold my breath underwater for ten minutes, I've been buried alive twice, and I'm very good with directions.
Kevin, if you were good with directions, you would never have been underwater, or buried alive once.
The second time was my fault.
I guess you're in.
- My wife can't fly.
- Since when? About 200 pounds ago.
After school, I can get our video camera and help you guys with your application.
I know exactly what it takes to get on.
- I've seen every episode.
- What? That show is on the same time as my show.
Uh huh.
This school is amazing.
We've got to get you in here.
All right, now remember what Mommy said: Just smile and look pretty.
I think she was talking to you.
Mr.
Hobbs, hi.
Katherine McCaffrey, Director of Admissions here at Brent view.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- You as well.
And this must be Janie.
You know, you and I have something in common.
You sometimes pick your nose too? No, Janie, what we have in common is that I am also new to this school.
Oh, really? Well, the way it usually works is that I write you a check, and you smile, and you let her in.
Or you can skip the smile.
Mr.
Hobbs, even though I'm new, there is still the matter of the old application process.
Ah, yes.
Gotcha.
And the answer is yes.
What is the question? Well, as a celebrity of some significance, will I use my influence to raise a couple of bucks? Oh, this school is full of celebrities.
Of some significance? Movie stars.
[Softly.]
Ooh.
Meow.
Mr.
Hobbs, we believe that we can best evaluate a child's potential by looking closely at their parents, as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Well, I can assure you that I am one ripe and delicious apple.
Daddy, I think you're the tree.
Sweetie, the grown-ups are talking.
Mr.
Hobbs, parents volunteering is very important here at Brent view.
I love volunteering! Wonderful.
We have many exciting opportunities.
There's the recycling committee.
Book drive.
[Mock snores.]
You could give blood.
Mine? There's always the bake sale.
Baking and selling? That sounds like two.
Nice try.
Well, you could always just bake.
I like cookies.
So do I.
Baking it is.
Wonderful, Mr.
Hobbs, thank you so much.
That's just the kind of apple that I am.
- Tree.
- Sweetie, grown-ups.
Hey, grueling journey.
- I'm Marcus.
- And I'm Kevin.
And we're here to show you why you should select team Both: Holla! [Both grunting.]
- I'm the beauty.
- And I'm the brains.
Both: And together, we are Never gonna get on.
Guys, the grueling part of the grueling journey should not be watching the audition tape.
Oh, we got more, we have more.
Okay.
- [Giggles.]
- Prepared, come on, come on.
All right, dummy Kevin, what would you say if we got on grueling journey? "Holla!" [Chuckles.]
You better "holla" back, y'all.
[Mumbling.]
You would be a dummy if you didn't pick us for the grueling journey.
Holla! Holla.
Okay.
[Both laugh.]
I'm gonna move my lips so you can clearly see what I have to say.
I don't ever want to see that again.
"Holla!" - Kevin.
- Yeah? Get off my leg.
Daddy, this looks hard.
Why didn't we just buy cookies? Well, because this is Brent view, Sweetie, and we want in.
Even if that means making cookies and never picking our noses again.
- Not gonna be easy.
- I understand.
It's gonna be hard for the both of us.
But I could teach you how to do it when no one's looking.
[New Jersey accent.]
Hey! There are my little cookie makers, huh? How ya "dough-in"? Huh? "Dough-in.
" Does Sarah Desario have any less-annoying personalities? [Child voice.]
Well, there's little Sally Desario with major Daddy issues.
Good golly! So, no, then.
[New Jersey accent.]
Hey, wisecrack all you want, eh? But these cookies are good, this cookie gets in, and then this cookie might get a little bite of this cookie.
You know what I'm saying? Oh! Eh! [Normal voice.]
Love you, guys.
All right, we ready? [New Jersey accent.]
Yo, these cookies ain't gonna bake themselves.
Very nice.
Sounded just like Sinatra.
Okay.
Let's see what we're working with.
- We've got, uh, flour.
- Check.
- Butter.
- Check.
- Eggs, sugar, milk.
- Check, check, check.
Good.
Okay.
- Dad? - Yeah.
Can I talk to you in private? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Sure, Joe.
Hang on, baby.
What's up? Well, I was upstairs trying to work through my Brent view problem.
Mm hmm.
So, to relax, I started polishing my rocks.
Joe, that's a perfectly normal way to relieve tension.
Look how shiny I got this one.
[Laughing.]
Oh.
Yes, well, uh, go on.
Anyway.
That's when it hit me.
I'm ready to talk about what happened in kindergarten.
And there I was, surrounded by first-graders.
I had the worm dangling over my mouth.
And they were yelling, "eat the worm! Eat the worm!" That's weird.
I had a similar experience in a bar in Tijuana.
But I couldn't do it, Dad.
I couldn't go through with the dare.
And then, after that, I was no longer Joe.
I was chicken Joe, gutless Joe.
Joe, the gutless chicken.
Joe, who wormed out of eating the worm.
Joe, the worm eater not.
Wormless Joe Jackson.
Joe, who shouldn't have picked dare.
Joe, the blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Did you eat that worm in Mexico, Dad? I was told I did.
I wish I was that brave.
But in that moment, I started to get itchy.
Why am I so itchy? And then I started to sweat.
Why am I so sweaty? And then I broke out into a rash.
Kind of like the one on your face.
I have a rash on my face? [Shrieks.]
Oh! "Food allergies.
Symptoms include hives.
" Check.
"Rash.
" Check.
"Swollen tongue.
" At least I don't have a swol [mumbling.]
[Mutters.]
[Whiny muttering.]
This is not good.
How are those cookies coming, Daddy? [Shrieks.]
[Grunting.]
[Muttering.]
Don't be scared, it's just Daddy.
- What? - [Doorbell chimes.]
This is no time for visitors.
- What? - [Whimpers.]
Daddy, am I still going to get in to kindergarten? Of course, Sweetie.
- What? - [Sighs.]
Never mind.
[Both shriek.]
[Gasps.]
Ms.
McCaffrey, what are you doing here? - What? - Forget it.
Well, Mr.
Hobbs, we like to perform impromptu visits to get a sense of the child's normal home environment.
But if this is a bad time, we [Muttering.]
[Timer bell chimes.]
Cookies.
What? Dad, I've made a decision.
[Screams.]
Go polish your rocks.
You'll feel better.
- What? - [Muttering.]
[Groaning.]
Aah! Pick up, pick up.
[New Jersey accent.]
Hey, you've reached Dede.
What? I gotta tell you what to do? Eh? [Message machine beeps.]
On the message? Amy! Amy! It's me.
[Muttering.]
[Grunts.]
Please come home! Come home! - Dad? - Uh [Shrieks.]
Oh, is it that bad? Dad, it looks like you got plastic surgery, and then your plastic surgeon beat you up! What happened? It's a food allergy.
Food! Food allergy! [Yelling.]
Have you seen Kevin and Marcus? I can understand you.
I just can't talk.
Oh, right.
I sent them on a grueling journey training run hours ago.
- [Shriek in distance.]
- Oh, what now? We're not gonna hurt you.
I live in the backyard.
It's okay.
I come in when I want to.
[Siren wails.]
Cops, cops, baby.
Why are they still chasing us? Have you seen us? We lost 'em.
What are you two doing? [Both shriek.]
I've got to get this on film! If we can stay out of jail, we gonna be rich! Yeah, ho.
You know what? I think I've seen enough.
[Muttering.]
[New Jersey accent.]
Yo, I got your call.
[Screams.]
What happened to your face? And who's the broad? - [Muttering.]
- What? It's Ms.
McCaffrey! The broad would be Ms.
McCaffrey, Director of Admissions from Brent view.
Oh.
[Normal voice.]
Well, welcome to our home.
- Mrs.
Hobbs? - Yes.
She wants to be called "Dede.
" She has multiple personalities.
[New Jersey accent.]
Dede.
[Child voice.]
And little Sally Desario! - Please stop doing your voices.
- [Stammering.]
[Normal voice.]
Ms.
McCaffrey! This is a terrible misunderstanding.
I'm an actress, and we're actually a perfectly normal family.
Dad, if you had the courage to eat that worm in the Mexican bar, so can I.
In your face, Brent view! [Overlapping shouting.]
I ate a worm! Oh, oh! - [Retches.]
- Oh! [New Jersey accent.]
Not on her friggin' shoes, Joe! [Laughs, whines.]
We don't normally say friggin' in this house.
- Hi.
- Oh, Mr.
Hobbs.
Yeah, I just came by to apologize and - And give you a peace offering.
- What? [Laughs.]
I'm just kidding.
I'm just glad to see you're feeling better.
Thank you.
These are for you.
Oh, thank you.
You look like a size 10.
Swing and a miss.
Um, look, Ms.
McCaffrey, I just want you to know that what you saw at our house was not typical of what goes on there.
And I just hope that you don't hold that against Janie.
I mean, she really is she's a wonderful kid.
I'm sure she is.
So we can continue with the application process? [Sighs.]
Well, I suppose it's only fair to observe her in a classroom environment.
Why don't you bring her by later today - Marcus, bring her in! - Or right now? Hi, we met.
I remember.
Janie, would you like to spend a little time in one of our classrooms? Yes, please.
Oh, April, could you please go show Janie to the orange blossoms? Sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Yeah, wh She just went so easily.
I guess she feels very comfortable here.
She didn't even look back.
Well, she's got Dr.
Monkey Chunks with her, so that's, you know, the next best thing to Daddy.
Why do you have Dr.
Monkey Chunks with you? Why does my daughter have not have Dr.
Monkey Chunks? She'll she's gonna freak out.
What's wrong with you? You can't take Dr.
Monkey Chunks away from her! Baby! Baby, just talk and I'll follow your voice! - Where are you? - Mr.
Hobbs.
- She needs monkey chunks! - Mr.
Hobbs.
- She's gonna freak out! Why - Mr.
Hobbs, Mr.
Hobbs.
What? What? Janie wanted you to have the monkey.
What? She said you'd feel better holding her while she was gone.
Really? Wow.
Uh, okay.
As long as she's all right without her monkey.
Thank you.
You don't happen to have a juice box, do you? Oh, why? Does it calm him down? No, I'm just thirsty.
[Doorbell chimes.]
So you're saying they just ripped Dr.
Monkey Chunks away from her trembling fingers? I didn't actually see it, but that's how we get it away from her.
- Ms.
McCaffrey, hi.
- Mrs.
Hobbs, hi.
I wanted to come by and talk to you about Janie.
So, is this a good time? Absolutely, come on in, have a seat.
Well, um, all right, look, I can't take it anymore.
Just rip off the Band-Aid.
Did she get in? Janie is a wonderful, bright, outgoing little girl.
And we'd be happy admitting her despite her young age.
- Oh! That's excellent! - Wonderful.
- However - "However" is never good.
We have some concerns.
Well, real no.
She's special Janie.
She's the one.
You met our other two kids, you agree, right? - Our concerns are with you.
- I'm sorry? Breaking out into a rash, the meltdown over Dr.
Monkey Chunks; These are all signs that you're not yet ready to let Janie go.
So are you suggesting that my husband has less emotional maturity than my five-year-old? I've found it goes hand in hand with being a celebrity.
Of some significance.
Oh, well, thank you for throwing me that bone.
Mr.
Hobbs, what I'm saying is that we really feel that Janie could benefit greatly from another year at home with you.
I hope I hope you understand.
So what you're saying is that For the next year I have to Drag her everywhere I go, and Listen to those same songs over and over, and those same stories over and over, [stammers.]
And play Princess Bella for hours on end? Is that what you're telling me? - Thank you.
- Oh, oh.
Thank you.
You've made my day, thank you.
Look, honey, I thought I was ready to let her go.
I am not.
I I missed Emily, I am not gonna miss Janie.
So I'm not ready to let her leave the nest.
Neither am I, neither am I, honey.
Hi, Ms.
McCaffrey.
- Hi, Sweetie.
- Hey.
Come here, baby girl.
Come here, I want to tell you something.
Ms.
McCaffrey came here to tell us that the Brent view school loves you, and they want you to go there next year.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Dr.
Monkey Chunks really isn't ready to be without me yet.
Oh, well, I know how Dr.
Monkey Chunks feels, Sweetie.
- I'll be in touch.
- Okay.
Wait! Do you think my Daddy will be ready next year? We'll have to wait and see.
Come here, little girlie.
Oh! - [Shivering.]
- This is great.
I love the grueling journey.
Man, I am starving.
I am freezing.
[Grunts.]
How is it that you are not cold? I'm wearing socks.
Dude, I have five pairs of socks on! Yeah, but I'm only wearing socks.
I'm out.
What did I say? What did I say? We need to practice! No pants, no practice, player.
Turn the heat back on.
I'm out.
[Gurgling water.]
A lot of times I can talk while I drink water.
I'm a bad dude.
[Rhythmic grunting.]
[Mocking.]
Yo, I'm Marcus.