She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e17 Episode Script
Bride of the Wolfman
IAN: Tonight, on Love and Curses.
One last matinee, what a great surprise.
RANDl: But he looks so pale.
So do you.
IAN: Well, what do you expect? We're in black-and-white.
Lan, what happened? Where are we? I think you just became a star.
You mean, you honestly think we've been sucked into a monster movie? (THUNDER RUMBLING) I hope it's a good one.
I hope we're not the victims.
Clearly we are actual characters in this movie.
But are we acting out parts or are we behaving of our own free will? (MONSTER GROWLING) (GROWLING) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (DOOR OPENING) (EXHALES) Santa Monica Beach to Topanga Canyon and back.
Uh-huh.
I can see you're impressed.
I'd like to see you run under 50 minutes.
Uh-huh.
Listen, can you hand me the salt? Actually, I'd just like to see you get off that couch.
Can't today.
It's the marathon.
Funny, I thought the LA Marathon involved some movement.
Not the LA Marathon.
The monster marathon.
Channel 13 is running all my favorite monster movies.
Frankenstein.
House of Frankenstein.
Son of Frankenstein.
Wife of Frankenstein.
Bride of Frankenstein.
What? No vampires? Oh, yeah.
There's Dracula.
Son of Dracula.
I get the picture.
I just can't understand how you can stay inside on such a beautiful day.
I know.
It's tough.
Listen, can you melt me some butter while you're up? Hey! I was watching that! I know you were, for the past six hours.
I think it's time for a change.
What kind of a change? We're going sightseeing.
Sightseeing? Listen, I'm seeing plenty of sights.
I'm seeing Carpathia, Transylvania, Potsylvania And we're going as soon as I've had a shower.
Oh, joy, sightseeing.
No thanks.
RANDl: When you said we were going sightseeing, this isn't exactly what I expected.
Disappointed? No, I'm thrilled.
Breaking and entering are two of my favorite things.
After you.
Next time we'll knock over a bank.
Nah, the Granada's perfect.
You know, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I practically grew up in this old theater.
Every Saturday afternoon, until I hit puberty and then it was every Friday night.
This is where you had your first kiss? Where you threw up your first beer? Where you sat through 15 screenings of the Blue Lagoon, and you cried every time.
Yes, well, maybe I did mention it.
I thought you just wanted to see the Granada, one last time.
Before it became another mini-mall.
You were right.
I just can't believe they're gonna tear down this beautiful theater for another Burger Pan.
There are some gentlemen outside with dynamite who'll be glad to convince you.
In another hour, the Granada Theater will be just another fond memory.
Goodbye, Granada.
(CURTAINS DRAWING) You didn't.
No, I didn't.
One last matinee, what a great surprise.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Yes, what a surprise.
Let's go.
What do you mean? The movie's just starting.
It's the Bride of the Wolfman.
What's wrong? I didn't hire a projectionist.
Anybody there? Anybody in there? Damn kids.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Lan, what happened? Where are we? I think you just became a star.
You mean we're in the Bride of the Wolfman? That's impossible! Since you became a werewolf, and we began looking for a cure, I've realized nothing is impossible.
You mean, you honestly think we've been sucked into a monster movie? (THUNDER RUMBLING) I hope it's a good one.
I hope we're not the victims.
Good evening, Doctor.
We've been expecting you.
Do come in.
That is Neville Gleason, he's been in a hundred of these movies! Lucky Neville.
Last time I saw him, he was in Love, American Style.
It was called "Love and the Ugly Servant Who Drags His Club Foot.
" Clearly a man of many talents.
But he looks so pale.
So do you.
Well, what do you expect? We're in black-and-white.
(DOOR CREAKING) I trust your trip was pleasant, Dr.
Hapgood.
The name is Matheson.
Lan Matheson.
Whatever you wish, Dr.
Hapgood.
May I take your coat, Mrs.
Hapgood? They're not staying, Boris.
Go now, this is no place for you to be.
She's absolutely right.
Which way to the theater? But Dr.
Pretorius was very explicit.
Dr.
Pretorius can get along without them.
You are in terrible danger.
Leave now, while you still can.
Dr.
Hapgood.
I'm so very glad to see you.
Welcome.
I am Dr.
Pretorius.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oops, wrong house.
We're looking for Dr.
Seuss.
I'm so sorry to have troubled you all.
Come on, let's get out of here.
I have waited a long time for this moment.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Come, join us for a glass of our finest brandy.
Good idea.
Are you crazy? That is Lucas Nigel.
He only plays psychopathic killers and mad scientists! Maybe he's been cast against type.
I'm so glad you consented to come all this way to assist me in my experiments.
Perhaps I was wrong.
What do you want with us? From you, dear lady, only your charm and beauty.
But from you, Doctor, I expect so much more.
Actually, I don't know anything.
Don't be modest.
Your pioneering work into the electrical nature of the human nervous system will prove invaluable to my continuing research.
You must be tired, it's getting near nightfall.
I'll have Boris secure your rooms in town.
Nonsense.
They will stay here.
I'm sure Dr.
Hapgood is anxious to begin his work.
Actually, the doctor is rather anxious for another cognac.
What he's saying is that he wouldn't dream of imposing.
You see, we have a plane to catch.
A what? They could come back in the morning when they are fresh and rested.
They have come a long way to be here.
Clearly Mrs.
Hapgood is weary from her travels.
Come this way, Doctor.
There's so much I want to show you.
(WHISPERING) She's absolutely right.
We can't stay here, it's not safe.
We have to get out of here before the mad scientist kills us, or some monster eats us and I agree.
And I have a plan.
If I humor the good doctor, he will no doubt tell me his evil plot and, perhaps, reveal a way out.
In the meantime, it's not often you get the chance to sample a 1893 VSOP cognac.
May I show you to your chambers? If you need anything, just ring.
(PEOPLE WHISPERING) Have they gone? Oh, Lord, tell me they've gone.
They have not.
They will not.
Then they will die.
Die? You mustn't talk like that.
Don't you realize the danger they are in? Why didn't you warn them? I told you to warn them! I tried.
They wouldn't listen.
Then they've already fallen under his spell.
Just as we did.
It seems so long ago.
Do you remember how it was between us, Lizzie? Do you remember the tender days, the quiet nights, the soft, gentle rains? Do you remember the joy we felt just to be (COUGHING) Alive? Who writes this stuff? We'll have those days again.
I promise.
Promises! Like his promises? He promised I would never kill again! How many have died since he made that promise? How many will die tonight because of Dr.
Pretorius? It was just the wind.
(COUGHING) Forgive Elizabeth, she's a bit overwrought.
It's going around these days.
She's very protective of her fiancé, Thomas.
He is a poet.
And I'm his patron.
They're staying here while he completes his work.
Poor man, he's something of a tortured soul.
In a sense, we're kindred spirits.
How strange.
You'd think the festive atmosphere around here would brighten his mood.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Lan? Lan? (GASPS) This wing is forbidden to guests.
Please return to your quarters.
I was just looking for some popcorn.
Can't enjoy a good movie without popcorn, I always say.
Why don't I just try the lobby? Say, you don't know where the lobby is, by any chance, do you? This wing is forbidden to guests.
Please return to your quarters.
Right.
Why don't I just head back to my quarters for a while? Sorry.
My laboratory.
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING) This is absolutely fascinating.
Tell me, Dr.
Pretorius.
What exactly is it you do here? What all scientists do, Doctor.
Explore beyond the boundaries of knowledge.
Here, we shall probe the mysteries of life and afterlife.
With your help, I shall make the distinction between life and death meaningless.
What fun.
Where do we start? What is life? Indeed.
Merely body and soul.
The flesh, I have.
Give me 50,000 volts, and I will have a soul.
I will have created life.
(WORKERS CHATTERING) That the last charge? Great.
Wire those suckers up and let's get out of here.
Wait a minute.
Are you sure there's nobody else in that theater? Look, even the cockroaches have left, okay? All right, nail it up.
Okay, boys.
Clear the area.
This dump is coming down in 30 minutes.
(WIND GUSTING) What is life without consciousness, without intelligence? Network television? What is the body, if not a vessel to serve the brain? Selecting the brain was my most arduous task.
Do I choose a brain that can grasp the complexities of existence, appreciate the pleasures of literature? Express the nuances of human emotion? Or do I choose single-minded obedience? My guess is he'll fetch.
(LAUGHING) Very good, Doctor.
You're a strange man, yet you are as intuitive and wise as your reputation suggests.
I look forward to seeing how you will achieve compatibility between the brain and the body by calibrating the electrical impulses of the human nervous system.
So do I.
Get rested.
In a few hours we embark on a great journey.
I can't wait to go.
Come along, Master Thomas.
The hour grows late.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) It's time for you to write.
Woe is the night, black.
Woe is the soul, black.
Woe is me.
What a lovely thought.
Well? Dr.
Pretorius is a mad scientist.
Really? And he hides it so well.
What are you doing? Seeing what Dr.
Hapgood packs.
What? No change of clothes? Lan, we're in a movie.
That's a prop suitcase.
How disillusioning.
Clearly we are actual characters in this movie.
But are we acting out parts or are we behaving of our own free will? And why are we here at all? I don't care.
I just wanna get out of here.
Have you ever heard of this movie? No.
But that woman, Elizabeth, looks very familiar.
You see, it would help if we knew what was going to happen next.
We're in a monster movie.
So the odds are we get killed.
Then we'd better find a way out before that happens.
And before this theater is demolished.
Oh, God! I forgot about that.
Do you think this leads to the lobby? There's one way to find out.
You know, I've never seen this film before, I'm sure of it, but it does seem very familiar.
Having lived it for a few reels, I don't think you've missed anything.
(DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) I wonder what's behind that door.
Maybe it leads to the way out.
Or it could be a hole that leads right into the open, slobbering jaws of a giant tarantula that's been mutated by gamma radiation.
I think you've been watching too many movies.
Let's try this.
There we go.
Oh, excuse us.
We thought this was the bathroom.
Nothing like a good brush and floss before going to sleep.
It's you.
How's the poetry going? (GROANING) Gimme a break.
(GROANS) Have you ever seen such a phony wolfman? It feels very realistic to me.
Oh, my gosh! Where are the keys? The keys? He is not a convincing werewolf.
He ought to see me.
I hope he doesn't get the opportunity.
Maybe he will.
It's a full moon.
It's a fake.
Oh.
Well, if it's a fake moon, maybe it's a fake fall off a fake cliff.
It better be.
(GROWLING) (GROWLING) (GRUNTING) So what did you think of the Bride of the Wolfman? Painful.
Oh, my gosh! Come on, let's go.
Help! There's people in here, let us out! Hey, pal, get those charges wired.
I wanna get home in time for the game.
It starts in 20 minutes.
No problem.
You'll be home in 10.
Music to my ears.
The boss is gonna love this.
I got a feeling this baby's gonna fall down and go boom real good.
Hello! Help! Please don't blow us up! You know, I think it's time we complained to the manager.
Can I help you? (SIGHING) Thank God.
A real live person.
Hi.
Hey, it's you! (CHUCKLES) Well, hello there.
I'm a big fan of yours.
(LAUGHS) We can sign autographs later.
How do we get out of here? I'm Oscar.
And I'm afraid there's no way out of this theater.
(CHUCKLES) Wasn't there just a guy standing there? He disappeared into oblivion.
And in few minutes, when the dynamite goes off, I think we're gonna be joining him.
Want some popcorn kernels? They're old, but they're good.
If you'll just show us to the exit, we'll be on our way.
You're leaving so soon? The movie isn't over yet.
Well, it is for us.
You're kidding.
You'll miss the best part.
Oh? What happens next? Beats me.
But I can't wait to find out.
What do you two have in mind? I'm confused.
It's a good thing you aren't hungry.
Well, come on.
If you're not going to eat, we'll start that movie again.
Oh, say! I gotta tell you.
You guys are terrific.
Yeah, well, we're very fond of you, too, but what we wanna do is get out of here.
No, I really mean it.
You should see yourselves up there in that silver screen.
Magic! You make a great team, and I've seen them all.
Tracy and Hepburn, Gable and Lombard.
Of course, there were the others.
Astaire, Rodgers? Abbott and Costello? Oh, no, no.
Folks.
Folks like you.
Where do you think Dr.
Pretorius got all those human body parts for his monsters? Come on.
(SIGHING) Why are you keeping us here? I'm not keeping you here.
I'm just haunting the place.
It's them.
The characters in the movie? They're the ones that are stuck.
Trapped in limbo on the silver screen.
You see, Bride of the Wolfman screened only once, in this theater, at its gala premiere.
It was so bad that it got booed off the screen.
I can't imagine why.
Oh, I don't know.
I've seen a lot worse since.
Say, did you ever see a film called The Blue Lagoon? (LAUGHS) Get to the point.
Oh, yes.
The actor playing Thomas, he wrote and financed the entire film.
He thought it was gonna make his career.
While everyone was laughing, me included, he went up to the projection booth and set fire to the place.
The last two reels went up in flames.
And so were you.
Yeah, but that's not the bad part.
Can you imagine having to spend an eternity watching Bride of the Wolfman? Better than living it.
(CHUCKLES) You should be so lucky.
You see, those characters became alive on the silver screen, only to be trapped in limbo for 47 years.
Never got to finish their story, never got to fulfill their destinies.
That's where you come in.
You expect us to complete the film? I don't, they do.
Say, uh, I wouldn't mind a nude scene or two, though.
I mean, 47 years alone at a dusty theater, I mean, makes a guy little strange.
That does it! There is no way I'm going back into that stupid movie.
Fine by me.
I could use the company.
Either of you two got a set of earplugs? Because it's going to get pretty noisy around here when that dynamite starts going up.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) If we don't find an ending for this movie fast, we're in big trouble.
Things could be worse.
How? We could have been sucked into Bonfire of the Vanities.
There you are! Where have you been? Out and about.
Here and there.
Nothing like a brisk walk.
In a raging storm? A very brisk walk.
Dr.
Pretorius is most anxious to see you.
Most anxious.
(GASPING) Oh, my God, what happened to you? I ran into a thorny situation.
Wrong shoulder.
Bad continuity.
Sloppy moviemaking.
I see it happen all the time.
Doctor! Time is ticking relentlessly forward.
You're absolutely right.
There's not a second to waste.
To the laboratory.
(WOLF HOWLING) Boris, look after the hound.
I guess he doesn't like to walk the dog, huh? Why did you come back? You're in terrible danger.
Could you be more specific? Tonight, we challenge the principles of science, the basic assumptions of life itself.
Together, we stand on the precipice of history.
Don't you think we should stop standing and start moving? Moving into the unknown.
Destiny waits for no man.
So true, Doctor, so true.
We shall capture the fury of the skies.
The power of the cosmos, surging through that lightning bolt and into the creature.
We shall give it life.
It would be an honor if you would assist me.
I need you to modulate the electricity from the skies and into the flesh.
You're familiar with the Electridyne Modulator, I assume.
Intimately.
That is the ventilator.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
Doesn't it feel a bit stuffy to you in here? There, better.
But first, we must implant the brain.
First things first.
Let the experiment begin.
Quickly.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, wait.
Go away.
Leave us while you still can.
I wish I could.
But, you see, we're trapped here, just like you are.
What do you know about being trapped? About being a prisoner of your own tortured soul? Listen, if you're talking about being a werewolf I know a lot.
You know about Thomas? You know our terrible secret? Yes.
Come on.
Dr.
Pretorius promised us an end to this horrible nightmare.
But it goes on and on.
How many more nights must my beloved endure this curse? How many more people must die? Dr.
Pretorius has a cure, doesn't he? What's wrong? The days have stretched into weeks, the weeks Into months, months into years, I know.
I know.
So is there a cure? The doctor is very close.
Let it be tonight, let it be.
Well, we're not going to stick around here to find out.
A secret passageway? To Thomas' hideaway.
And God knows what else.
Come on.
Looks clear to me.
Okay.
Area 2? MAN 1 ON RADIO: Secure.
Area 3? MAN 2 ON RADIO: Secure.
Let's do it.
Let's make this a very pretty picture.
Action.
Wait! There's a damn pussy cat out there.
So? So? You want the animal rights people crawling down your neck? If it's not one thing, it's another.
(GROWLING) Back! Back, you beast! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! What a monstrous little man? How would he like the sting of the whip? By the looks of him, I think he's been through a lot worse.
Come on.
Back! Back, you beast.
Back! The doctor has plans for you! (GROWLING) It's about time.
We've been waiting for you.
Don't be concerned, Doctor.
This is a patient under my care.
He has a most heinous affliction.
Clearly.
What's the cure? You're about to see.
It's rather simple, actually.
Back! Back, you beast! Back! Back, I say! (GROANING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) You see, I haven't been entirely candid with you, Doctor.
There is more to this experiment than merely infusing a corpse with life.
Shall we try splitting the atom? Unraveling DNA? Making Folgers crystals? Nothing so mundane.
The corpse provides the flesh.
The electricity provides the soul.
All we need is a mind.
That's where poor troubled Thomas comes in.
We shall transfer his mind into the cadaver.
IAN: And that's a cure? Once Thomas' mind, his soul is freed from his body and put into another, perhaps the curse will be lost in the transference.
And if not? Does it matter? The body is but a shell.
One way or another, he will be freed from his curse.
I've had about all of this I can take.
Mrs.
Hapgood.
Randi.
Thomas trusted you.
He came to you for help.
And this is how you help him? You're evil! There is no good or evil in science.
There is only knowledge.
Come on.
Underneath this crummy werewolf make-up is a man.
And I think you owe him something a little bit better than transferring his mind into some corpse.
Yeah, well said.
Thank you.
I have never thought of that before.
Thomas does deserve better than having his mind transferred into a hideous corpse.
So I shall transfer him into your body instead.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) FOREMAN: All clear.
We're all clear.
Let's get this over with.
(CAT MEOWS) (CRASHING) Steven Spielberg, eat your heart out.
(WHIRRING) (CRYING) Oh, Thomas.
Thomas.
Weep for him no longer, my precious.
Soon, he will be free from his curse.
Of course, he will be trapped inside the body of a woman.
(CRYING) I'm sure you'll be able to work out those little problems in your relationship.
As long as his soul is free from the curse Well, I guess we could make it work.
Don't even think about it.
The moment has come.
Boris! Wait! Why? Why? You ask why? Yes, why? Because Because, why, because lan? Because this experiment won't prove anything.
Exactly! It will prove I can transfer the mind from one body to another.
How can that compare to your original goal? The creation of life? It can't.
Which is why once this experiment is done, I shall use your mind to bring the cadaver to life.
Ah! In that case, carry on.
Lan! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (GASPS) (MUMBLING) I am alive! He lives! (WHISPERING) Get him.
I am alive! But what is life, anyway? Can any of us truly be said to be alive? Does the simple act of being, empirically presuppose the existence of humanity? (LAUGHING) Now you see why I chose a dog's brain, Dr.
Hapgood.
Stupidity in an assistant is a virtue.
Witness history before you die.
Boris.
It is done.
I've done it.
I've kept my promise to you, my dear.
Look at your beloved.
Thomas! I promised you I would end his curse and I have.
By killing him! That's one heck of a cure, you got there, Doc.
I've transferred his mind into another body.
Lizzie! And it worked.
I'm freed.
Oh, my God.
He's hideous.
An unfortunate side effect.
And there's another.
Now, you must all die.
There are some things man was not meant to know.
Some things man was not meant to do.
Looks like an ending to me.
Stop.
I command you.
(GUN FIRES) DR.
PRETORIUS: Stop, I say! Stop! (GUN FIRES) Stop, I say! Stop! Stop! (GUN FIRES) (GASPING) (SIGHING) It must be love.
Come on, let's go.
(WORKERS CHATTERING) Action! Good, God.
No! That's what I call an explosive ending.
So, how did it feel being a movie star? Well, suddenly the term "It's only a movie" has a whole new meaning.
Randi, you should be thrilled.
About what? We were sucked into a movie and nearly killed by a mad scientist.
Yes, but think what we learned.
To stay out of condemned theaters.
We finally found a cure.
Get serious.
It's ingenious.
And it's so simple.
All we have to do is find another body, perhaps a blonde.
Shut up.
Shut up.
(RANDI MOANING) That was an amazing dinner.
What? This little thing? Just a simple truites au Saint-Amour.
Trout, onion, thyme, and a charming, yet impudent little wine.
Well, anything not in a Swanson's box is something special to me.
But the night is young.
So how shall we top it off? Oh, I have lots of ideas.
But, unfortunately, you have a curse that prevents me from putting any of them into action.
Well, I have an idea.
I bet it's not as good as mine.
Let's see a movie.
Randi! Come on.
The Blue Lagoon is playing at the Revival Theater in Santa Monica.
I've had enough of movies for one day.
Perhaps a lifetime.
Why don't we spend a nice, quiet evening at home? We could perhaps watch some television.
I'm sure there's something rather good on.
MAN: You know too much, Cypher.
You must be eliminated.
C YPHER: You can silence me, but you can't silence the truth.
What inane, macho garbage.
I mean, what kind of people watch this stuff? It has a certain aesthetic quality.
Lan ANNOUNCER: Please stand by.
(STATIC BUZZING) There is a God.
We are experiencing technical difficulties.
The final minutes of Pete Cypher, P.
I.
Have been lost due to a mechanical error.
Please stay tuned for He's the Maid at 8:00 p.
m.
They lost the ending? RANDl: Lan? C YPHER: Say, did you lose a button on your blouse, or are you just glad to see me? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) C YPHER: You're going to the big house, pal.
Murder One.
That'll teach you to mess with Pete Cypher, P.
I.
MAN: If it weren't for the ditsy couple, you'd be roadkill.
Next time, you're mine.
You don't think No.
Couldn't be.
Impossible.
It must have been the fish.
What do you say we forget the television? Yeah.
I suppose books are a bad idea, too.
Checkers? Checkers! Yes, a rousing, entertaining game of checkers.
What could be better? Right! I mean, how dangerous could a game of checkers be? Bedtime.
One last matinee, what a great surprise.
RANDl: But he looks so pale.
So do you.
IAN: Well, what do you expect? We're in black-and-white.
Lan, what happened? Where are we? I think you just became a star.
You mean, you honestly think we've been sucked into a monster movie? (THUNDER RUMBLING) I hope it's a good one.
I hope we're not the victims.
Clearly we are actual characters in this movie.
But are we acting out parts or are we behaving of our own free will? (MONSTER GROWLING) (GROWLING) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (DOOR OPENING) (EXHALES) Santa Monica Beach to Topanga Canyon and back.
Uh-huh.
I can see you're impressed.
I'd like to see you run under 50 minutes.
Uh-huh.
Listen, can you hand me the salt? Actually, I'd just like to see you get off that couch.
Can't today.
It's the marathon.
Funny, I thought the LA Marathon involved some movement.
Not the LA Marathon.
The monster marathon.
Channel 13 is running all my favorite monster movies.
Frankenstein.
House of Frankenstein.
Son of Frankenstein.
Wife of Frankenstein.
Bride of Frankenstein.
What? No vampires? Oh, yeah.
There's Dracula.
Son of Dracula.
I get the picture.
I just can't understand how you can stay inside on such a beautiful day.
I know.
It's tough.
Listen, can you melt me some butter while you're up? Hey! I was watching that! I know you were, for the past six hours.
I think it's time for a change.
What kind of a change? We're going sightseeing.
Sightseeing? Listen, I'm seeing plenty of sights.
I'm seeing Carpathia, Transylvania, Potsylvania And we're going as soon as I've had a shower.
Oh, joy, sightseeing.
No thanks.
RANDl: When you said we were going sightseeing, this isn't exactly what I expected.
Disappointed? No, I'm thrilled.
Breaking and entering are two of my favorite things.
After you.
Next time we'll knock over a bank.
Nah, the Granada's perfect.
You know, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but I practically grew up in this old theater.
Every Saturday afternoon, until I hit puberty and then it was every Friday night.
This is where you had your first kiss? Where you threw up your first beer? Where you sat through 15 screenings of the Blue Lagoon, and you cried every time.
Yes, well, maybe I did mention it.
I thought you just wanted to see the Granada, one last time.
Before it became another mini-mall.
You were right.
I just can't believe they're gonna tear down this beautiful theater for another Burger Pan.
There are some gentlemen outside with dynamite who'll be glad to convince you.
In another hour, the Granada Theater will be just another fond memory.
Goodbye, Granada.
(CURTAINS DRAWING) You didn't.
No, I didn't.
One last matinee, what a great surprise.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Yes, what a surprise.
Let's go.
What do you mean? The movie's just starting.
It's the Bride of the Wolfman.
What's wrong? I didn't hire a projectionist.
Anybody there? Anybody in there? Damn kids.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Lan, what happened? Where are we? I think you just became a star.
You mean we're in the Bride of the Wolfman? That's impossible! Since you became a werewolf, and we began looking for a cure, I've realized nothing is impossible.
You mean, you honestly think we've been sucked into a monster movie? (THUNDER RUMBLING) I hope it's a good one.
I hope we're not the victims.
Good evening, Doctor.
We've been expecting you.
Do come in.
That is Neville Gleason, he's been in a hundred of these movies! Lucky Neville.
Last time I saw him, he was in Love, American Style.
It was called "Love and the Ugly Servant Who Drags His Club Foot.
" Clearly a man of many talents.
But he looks so pale.
So do you.
Well, what do you expect? We're in black-and-white.
(DOOR CREAKING) I trust your trip was pleasant, Dr.
Hapgood.
The name is Matheson.
Lan Matheson.
Whatever you wish, Dr.
Hapgood.
May I take your coat, Mrs.
Hapgood? They're not staying, Boris.
Go now, this is no place for you to be.
She's absolutely right.
Which way to the theater? But Dr.
Pretorius was very explicit.
Dr.
Pretorius can get along without them.
You are in terrible danger.
Leave now, while you still can.
Dr.
Hapgood.
I'm so very glad to see you.
Welcome.
I am Dr.
Pretorius.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Oops, wrong house.
We're looking for Dr.
Seuss.
I'm so sorry to have troubled you all.
Come on, let's get out of here.
I have waited a long time for this moment.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Come, join us for a glass of our finest brandy.
Good idea.
Are you crazy? That is Lucas Nigel.
He only plays psychopathic killers and mad scientists! Maybe he's been cast against type.
I'm so glad you consented to come all this way to assist me in my experiments.
Perhaps I was wrong.
What do you want with us? From you, dear lady, only your charm and beauty.
But from you, Doctor, I expect so much more.
Actually, I don't know anything.
Don't be modest.
Your pioneering work into the electrical nature of the human nervous system will prove invaluable to my continuing research.
You must be tired, it's getting near nightfall.
I'll have Boris secure your rooms in town.
Nonsense.
They will stay here.
I'm sure Dr.
Hapgood is anxious to begin his work.
Actually, the doctor is rather anxious for another cognac.
What he's saying is that he wouldn't dream of imposing.
You see, we have a plane to catch.
A what? They could come back in the morning when they are fresh and rested.
They have come a long way to be here.
Clearly Mrs.
Hapgood is weary from her travels.
Come this way, Doctor.
There's so much I want to show you.
(WHISPERING) She's absolutely right.
We can't stay here, it's not safe.
We have to get out of here before the mad scientist kills us, or some monster eats us and I agree.
And I have a plan.
If I humor the good doctor, he will no doubt tell me his evil plot and, perhaps, reveal a way out.
In the meantime, it's not often you get the chance to sample a 1893 VSOP cognac.
May I show you to your chambers? If you need anything, just ring.
(PEOPLE WHISPERING) Have they gone? Oh, Lord, tell me they've gone.
They have not.
They will not.
Then they will die.
Die? You mustn't talk like that.
Don't you realize the danger they are in? Why didn't you warn them? I told you to warn them! I tried.
They wouldn't listen.
Then they've already fallen under his spell.
Just as we did.
It seems so long ago.
Do you remember how it was between us, Lizzie? Do you remember the tender days, the quiet nights, the soft, gentle rains? Do you remember the joy we felt just to be (COUGHING) Alive? Who writes this stuff? We'll have those days again.
I promise.
Promises! Like his promises? He promised I would never kill again! How many have died since he made that promise? How many will die tonight because of Dr.
Pretorius? It was just the wind.
(COUGHING) Forgive Elizabeth, she's a bit overwrought.
It's going around these days.
She's very protective of her fiancé, Thomas.
He is a poet.
And I'm his patron.
They're staying here while he completes his work.
Poor man, he's something of a tortured soul.
In a sense, we're kindred spirits.
How strange.
You'd think the festive atmosphere around here would brighten his mood.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Lan? Lan? (GASPS) This wing is forbidden to guests.
Please return to your quarters.
I was just looking for some popcorn.
Can't enjoy a good movie without popcorn, I always say.
Why don't I just try the lobby? Say, you don't know where the lobby is, by any chance, do you? This wing is forbidden to guests.
Please return to your quarters.
Right.
Why don't I just head back to my quarters for a while? Sorry.
My laboratory.
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING) This is absolutely fascinating.
Tell me, Dr.
Pretorius.
What exactly is it you do here? What all scientists do, Doctor.
Explore beyond the boundaries of knowledge.
Here, we shall probe the mysteries of life and afterlife.
With your help, I shall make the distinction between life and death meaningless.
What fun.
Where do we start? What is life? Indeed.
Merely body and soul.
The flesh, I have.
Give me 50,000 volts, and I will have a soul.
I will have created life.
(WORKERS CHATTERING) That the last charge? Great.
Wire those suckers up and let's get out of here.
Wait a minute.
Are you sure there's nobody else in that theater? Look, even the cockroaches have left, okay? All right, nail it up.
Okay, boys.
Clear the area.
This dump is coming down in 30 minutes.
(WIND GUSTING) What is life without consciousness, without intelligence? Network television? What is the body, if not a vessel to serve the brain? Selecting the brain was my most arduous task.
Do I choose a brain that can grasp the complexities of existence, appreciate the pleasures of literature? Express the nuances of human emotion? Or do I choose single-minded obedience? My guess is he'll fetch.
(LAUGHING) Very good, Doctor.
You're a strange man, yet you are as intuitive and wise as your reputation suggests.
I look forward to seeing how you will achieve compatibility between the brain and the body by calibrating the electrical impulses of the human nervous system.
So do I.
Get rested.
In a few hours we embark on a great journey.
I can't wait to go.
Come along, Master Thomas.
The hour grows late.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) It's time for you to write.
Woe is the night, black.
Woe is the soul, black.
Woe is me.
What a lovely thought.
Well? Dr.
Pretorius is a mad scientist.
Really? And he hides it so well.
What are you doing? Seeing what Dr.
Hapgood packs.
What? No change of clothes? Lan, we're in a movie.
That's a prop suitcase.
How disillusioning.
Clearly we are actual characters in this movie.
But are we acting out parts or are we behaving of our own free will? And why are we here at all? I don't care.
I just wanna get out of here.
Have you ever heard of this movie? No.
But that woman, Elizabeth, looks very familiar.
You see, it would help if we knew what was going to happen next.
We're in a monster movie.
So the odds are we get killed.
Then we'd better find a way out before that happens.
And before this theater is demolished.
Oh, God! I forgot about that.
Do you think this leads to the lobby? There's one way to find out.
You know, I've never seen this film before, I'm sure of it, but it does seem very familiar.
Having lived it for a few reels, I don't think you've missed anything.
(DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) I wonder what's behind that door.
Maybe it leads to the way out.
Or it could be a hole that leads right into the open, slobbering jaws of a giant tarantula that's been mutated by gamma radiation.
I think you've been watching too many movies.
Let's try this.
There we go.
Oh, excuse us.
We thought this was the bathroom.
Nothing like a good brush and floss before going to sleep.
It's you.
How's the poetry going? (GROANING) Gimme a break.
(GROANS) Have you ever seen such a phony wolfman? It feels very realistic to me.
Oh, my gosh! Where are the keys? The keys? He is not a convincing werewolf.
He ought to see me.
I hope he doesn't get the opportunity.
Maybe he will.
It's a full moon.
It's a fake.
Oh.
Well, if it's a fake moon, maybe it's a fake fall off a fake cliff.
It better be.
(GROWLING) (GROWLING) (GRUNTING) So what did you think of the Bride of the Wolfman? Painful.
Oh, my gosh! Come on, let's go.
Help! There's people in here, let us out! Hey, pal, get those charges wired.
I wanna get home in time for the game.
It starts in 20 minutes.
No problem.
You'll be home in 10.
Music to my ears.
The boss is gonna love this.
I got a feeling this baby's gonna fall down and go boom real good.
Hello! Help! Please don't blow us up! You know, I think it's time we complained to the manager.
Can I help you? (SIGHING) Thank God.
A real live person.
Hi.
Hey, it's you! (CHUCKLES) Well, hello there.
I'm a big fan of yours.
(LAUGHS) We can sign autographs later.
How do we get out of here? I'm Oscar.
And I'm afraid there's no way out of this theater.
(CHUCKLES) Wasn't there just a guy standing there? He disappeared into oblivion.
And in few minutes, when the dynamite goes off, I think we're gonna be joining him.
Want some popcorn kernels? They're old, but they're good.
If you'll just show us to the exit, we'll be on our way.
You're leaving so soon? The movie isn't over yet.
Well, it is for us.
You're kidding.
You'll miss the best part.
Oh? What happens next? Beats me.
But I can't wait to find out.
What do you two have in mind? I'm confused.
It's a good thing you aren't hungry.
Well, come on.
If you're not going to eat, we'll start that movie again.
Oh, say! I gotta tell you.
You guys are terrific.
Yeah, well, we're very fond of you, too, but what we wanna do is get out of here.
No, I really mean it.
You should see yourselves up there in that silver screen.
Magic! You make a great team, and I've seen them all.
Tracy and Hepburn, Gable and Lombard.
Of course, there were the others.
Astaire, Rodgers? Abbott and Costello? Oh, no, no.
Folks.
Folks like you.
Where do you think Dr.
Pretorius got all those human body parts for his monsters? Come on.
(SIGHING) Why are you keeping us here? I'm not keeping you here.
I'm just haunting the place.
It's them.
The characters in the movie? They're the ones that are stuck.
Trapped in limbo on the silver screen.
You see, Bride of the Wolfman screened only once, in this theater, at its gala premiere.
It was so bad that it got booed off the screen.
I can't imagine why.
Oh, I don't know.
I've seen a lot worse since.
Say, did you ever see a film called The Blue Lagoon? (LAUGHS) Get to the point.
Oh, yes.
The actor playing Thomas, he wrote and financed the entire film.
He thought it was gonna make his career.
While everyone was laughing, me included, he went up to the projection booth and set fire to the place.
The last two reels went up in flames.
And so were you.
Yeah, but that's not the bad part.
Can you imagine having to spend an eternity watching Bride of the Wolfman? Better than living it.
(CHUCKLES) You should be so lucky.
You see, those characters became alive on the silver screen, only to be trapped in limbo for 47 years.
Never got to finish their story, never got to fulfill their destinies.
That's where you come in.
You expect us to complete the film? I don't, they do.
Say, uh, I wouldn't mind a nude scene or two, though.
I mean, 47 years alone at a dusty theater, I mean, makes a guy little strange.
That does it! There is no way I'm going back into that stupid movie.
Fine by me.
I could use the company.
Either of you two got a set of earplugs? Because it's going to get pretty noisy around here when that dynamite starts going up.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) If we don't find an ending for this movie fast, we're in big trouble.
Things could be worse.
How? We could have been sucked into Bonfire of the Vanities.
There you are! Where have you been? Out and about.
Here and there.
Nothing like a brisk walk.
In a raging storm? A very brisk walk.
Dr.
Pretorius is most anxious to see you.
Most anxious.
(GASPING) Oh, my God, what happened to you? I ran into a thorny situation.
Wrong shoulder.
Bad continuity.
Sloppy moviemaking.
I see it happen all the time.
Doctor! Time is ticking relentlessly forward.
You're absolutely right.
There's not a second to waste.
To the laboratory.
(WOLF HOWLING) Boris, look after the hound.
I guess he doesn't like to walk the dog, huh? Why did you come back? You're in terrible danger.
Could you be more specific? Tonight, we challenge the principles of science, the basic assumptions of life itself.
Together, we stand on the precipice of history.
Don't you think we should stop standing and start moving? Moving into the unknown.
Destiny waits for no man.
So true, Doctor, so true.
We shall capture the fury of the skies.
The power of the cosmos, surging through that lightning bolt and into the creature.
We shall give it life.
It would be an honor if you would assist me.
I need you to modulate the electricity from the skies and into the flesh.
You're familiar with the Electridyne Modulator, I assume.
Intimately.
That is the ventilator.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
Doesn't it feel a bit stuffy to you in here? There, better.
But first, we must implant the brain.
First things first.
Let the experiment begin.
Quickly.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, wait.
Go away.
Leave us while you still can.
I wish I could.
But, you see, we're trapped here, just like you are.
What do you know about being trapped? About being a prisoner of your own tortured soul? Listen, if you're talking about being a werewolf I know a lot.
You know about Thomas? You know our terrible secret? Yes.
Come on.
Dr.
Pretorius promised us an end to this horrible nightmare.
But it goes on and on.
How many more nights must my beloved endure this curse? How many more people must die? Dr.
Pretorius has a cure, doesn't he? What's wrong? The days have stretched into weeks, the weeks Into months, months into years, I know.
I know.
So is there a cure? The doctor is very close.
Let it be tonight, let it be.
Well, we're not going to stick around here to find out.
A secret passageway? To Thomas' hideaway.
And God knows what else.
Come on.
Looks clear to me.
Okay.
Area 2? MAN 1 ON RADIO: Secure.
Area 3? MAN 2 ON RADIO: Secure.
Let's do it.
Let's make this a very pretty picture.
Action.
Wait! There's a damn pussy cat out there.
So? So? You want the animal rights people crawling down your neck? If it's not one thing, it's another.
(GROWLING) Back! Back, you beast! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! What a monstrous little man? How would he like the sting of the whip? By the looks of him, I think he's been through a lot worse.
Come on.
Back! Back, you beast.
Back! The doctor has plans for you! (GROWLING) It's about time.
We've been waiting for you.
Don't be concerned, Doctor.
This is a patient under my care.
He has a most heinous affliction.
Clearly.
What's the cure? You're about to see.
It's rather simple, actually.
Back! Back, you beast! Back! Back, I say! (GROANING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) You see, I haven't been entirely candid with you, Doctor.
There is more to this experiment than merely infusing a corpse with life.
Shall we try splitting the atom? Unraveling DNA? Making Folgers crystals? Nothing so mundane.
The corpse provides the flesh.
The electricity provides the soul.
All we need is a mind.
That's where poor troubled Thomas comes in.
We shall transfer his mind into the cadaver.
IAN: And that's a cure? Once Thomas' mind, his soul is freed from his body and put into another, perhaps the curse will be lost in the transference.
And if not? Does it matter? The body is but a shell.
One way or another, he will be freed from his curse.
I've had about all of this I can take.
Mrs.
Hapgood.
Randi.
Thomas trusted you.
He came to you for help.
And this is how you help him? You're evil! There is no good or evil in science.
There is only knowledge.
Come on.
Underneath this crummy werewolf make-up is a man.
And I think you owe him something a little bit better than transferring his mind into some corpse.
Yeah, well said.
Thank you.
I have never thought of that before.
Thomas does deserve better than having his mind transferred into a hideous corpse.
So I shall transfer him into your body instead.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) FOREMAN: All clear.
We're all clear.
Let's get this over with.
(CAT MEOWS) (CRASHING) Steven Spielberg, eat your heart out.
(WHIRRING) (CRYING) Oh, Thomas.
Thomas.
Weep for him no longer, my precious.
Soon, he will be free from his curse.
Of course, he will be trapped inside the body of a woman.
(CRYING) I'm sure you'll be able to work out those little problems in your relationship.
As long as his soul is free from the curse Well, I guess we could make it work.
Don't even think about it.
The moment has come.
Boris! Wait! Why? Why? You ask why? Yes, why? Because Because, why, because lan? Because this experiment won't prove anything.
Exactly! It will prove I can transfer the mind from one body to another.
How can that compare to your original goal? The creation of life? It can't.
Which is why once this experiment is done, I shall use your mind to bring the cadaver to life.
Ah! In that case, carry on.
Lan! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (GASPS) (MUMBLING) I am alive! He lives! (WHISPERING) Get him.
I am alive! But what is life, anyway? Can any of us truly be said to be alive? Does the simple act of being, empirically presuppose the existence of humanity? (LAUGHING) Now you see why I chose a dog's brain, Dr.
Hapgood.
Stupidity in an assistant is a virtue.
Witness history before you die.
Boris.
It is done.
I've done it.
I've kept my promise to you, my dear.
Look at your beloved.
Thomas! I promised you I would end his curse and I have.
By killing him! That's one heck of a cure, you got there, Doc.
I've transferred his mind into another body.
Lizzie! And it worked.
I'm freed.
Oh, my God.
He's hideous.
An unfortunate side effect.
And there's another.
Now, you must all die.
There are some things man was not meant to know.
Some things man was not meant to do.
Looks like an ending to me.
Stop.
I command you.
(GUN FIRES) DR.
PRETORIUS: Stop, I say! Stop! (GUN FIRES) Stop, I say! Stop! Stop! (GUN FIRES) (GASPING) (SIGHING) It must be love.
Come on, let's go.
(WORKERS CHATTERING) Action! Good, God.
No! That's what I call an explosive ending.
So, how did it feel being a movie star? Well, suddenly the term "It's only a movie" has a whole new meaning.
Randi, you should be thrilled.
About what? We were sucked into a movie and nearly killed by a mad scientist.
Yes, but think what we learned.
To stay out of condemned theaters.
We finally found a cure.
Get serious.
It's ingenious.
And it's so simple.
All we have to do is find another body, perhaps a blonde.
Shut up.
Shut up.
(RANDI MOANING) That was an amazing dinner.
What? This little thing? Just a simple truites au Saint-Amour.
Trout, onion, thyme, and a charming, yet impudent little wine.
Well, anything not in a Swanson's box is something special to me.
But the night is young.
So how shall we top it off? Oh, I have lots of ideas.
But, unfortunately, you have a curse that prevents me from putting any of them into action.
Well, I have an idea.
I bet it's not as good as mine.
Let's see a movie.
Randi! Come on.
The Blue Lagoon is playing at the Revival Theater in Santa Monica.
I've had enough of movies for one day.
Perhaps a lifetime.
Why don't we spend a nice, quiet evening at home? We could perhaps watch some television.
I'm sure there's something rather good on.
MAN: You know too much, Cypher.
You must be eliminated.
C YPHER: You can silence me, but you can't silence the truth.
What inane, macho garbage.
I mean, what kind of people watch this stuff? It has a certain aesthetic quality.
Lan ANNOUNCER: Please stand by.
(STATIC BUZZING) There is a God.
We are experiencing technical difficulties.
The final minutes of Pete Cypher, P.
I.
Have been lost due to a mechanical error.
Please stay tuned for He's the Maid at 8:00 p.
m.
They lost the ending? RANDl: Lan? C YPHER: Say, did you lose a button on your blouse, or are you just glad to see me? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) C YPHER: You're going to the big house, pal.
Murder One.
That'll teach you to mess with Pete Cypher, P.
I.
MAN: If it weren't for the ditsy couple, you'd be roadkill.
Next time, you're mine.
You don't think No.
Couldn't be.
Impossible.
It must have been the fish.
What do you say we forget the television? Yeah.
I suppose books are a bad idea, too.
Checkers? Checkers! Yes, a rousing, entertaining game of checkers.
What could be better? Right! I mean, how dangerous could a game of checkers be? Bedtime.