Single Parents (2018) s01e17 Episode Script

1 [Screams.]
Hey, buddy.
Jack's busting out of his crib and crawling everywhere! - What?! - Yesterday, I found him in the dryer.
Hey, do they have electric bars for cribs that can, like, shock babies - but not, like, hurt them? - WILL: Sorry, Miggy.
Babies learn to walk, and then they keep doing it.
Forever.
I feel so old.
Just a year ago, it was the Summer of Miggy.
Ca-ca-caw.
Man, what a time that was The Los Angeles Dodgers.
Okay.
I'm just throwing out a new topic here.
Let's run with that.
I threw a party every night, bro.
Of course, that was when I still had access to my mom's Costco card.
Ugh.
I remember when Rory was little.
I was so desperate for a night out.
And then I finally get one, and all I'd think about was Rory was he sleeping or eating or making that little face? It was a half-smile, which could be gas or joy.
[Laughs.]
You know what? You just need a night out.
Re-create the Summer of Miggy, ca-ca-caw.
Yes! Throw a party tonight.
Will can watch Jack.
He's already got the big kids.
Just slap a baby on that.
Yo, good looks, Will.
You the man.
Cool.
Wait, what just happened? Okay, just one final favor.
- Can none of you come? - Done.
Sorry.
It's just, you know, we didn't have a lot of old parents during the Summer of Miggy, ca-ca-caw.
Not to worry.
Douglas roped me into joining him at some fundraiser tonight.
What's it for, again? It's irrelevant.
What I'm going for is the potatoes.
The chef at this thing, he serves them up in a dream state between whipped and mashed.
Mmm.
MIGGY: You're too into potatoes, man! That's sad.
Being an adult is sad.
Right, Jack? There was a baby in there when you left the house, right? Say wha Oh, he got my keys! Oh! Jack! No, no, no! I'll wait here in case he comes back.
ALL: Hi! Okay, no, you're not dropping those people off with me.
- Watch your fingers! - Hold on! Something amazing has happened.
KZOP's own Guy McCormick has dislocated his shoulder in an ATV accident! Ooh! Is there a video? Angie, they need me to cover the 10:00 P.
M.
forecast tonight! This is my big shot.
I think it's 'cause I grew out the beard, per Tracy's request.
Something about me looking like a weather wizard.
Okay, you're hitting me with a lot of details, and I'm starting to lose interest.
- What's the point? - You gotta watch the kids.
- [Kids shouting.]
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! No! No! No! No! You guys! Don't No! [Kids laughing.]
I can't.
All right? Owen is on his way over.
Okay, that's great.
You'll have help.
No, no, no.
Graham hasn't met him yet.
- They haven't met? No, I thought - No, no, no.
He's met Santa-Owen, but not my boyfriend Owen.
My boyfriend Owen doesn't wear a red suit, doesn't have a beard, and is, frankly, a little less hot.
Look, I get it.
But I can't show up to work with six kids.
Tracy Freeze is already riding me really hard because of all my pronunciation slip-ups like when I botched "thunder.
" It is really weird how you call it "thundle.
" Please just do me this favor.
All right, dude.
[Sighs.]
I know that this is a big deal for you, so I'll text Owen and cancel.
But you owe me, okay? And stop trying to pawn off your Borders gift cards, okay? Everybody knows they're closed! You are a lifesaver.
Also you got to watch baby Jack.
Apparently, he cannot be contained.
Good luck.
Who wants screen time? ALL: Yay! Ah.
How do I look? - Like 500 bucks.
- [Scoffs.]
That's how much your plate costs tonight.
Let's go.
[Hip-hop music plays, people cheering.]
Well, sounds like Miggy's party is starting up.
Either that or he's trying to cover up the sound of a murder.
- [Scoffs.]
- Either way, let's go.
Oh! Remember when we were his age? - I don't.
- All the fun house parties.
It was like, Jodeci, "Fresh Prince," "Clueless" all rolled into one.
In retrospect, I had a serious drinking problem.
Hmm.
You know, I really never understood parties.
I have a house.
Why am I going to your house? Because it's fun to hang out with other people at good old-fashioned parties.
You never tried fun? Well, there's a game on my phone where you try to make squares.
[Clattering in distance, indistinct shouting.]
Okay, I'm Miggy's friend, but I'm also his landlord.
Maybe we stop by on our way out? Just pop in quick.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
- But just for 10 minutes - Yes.
but expect me to be terse with the other party-goers.
Oh, I expect it.
[Indistinct conversations, laughter.]
Hey, I don't see him.
Do you? No! And I'm miserable! I've already been offered four vape pens.
[Clattering.]
- A-All right, see? There you go.
- Oh.
It's just ice.
It's not a body.
- Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
Hey, Miggy.
[Laughs.]
- Hey! - Hey.
We just wanted to check on you, make sure the walls were still up.
Don't worry.
We'll get out of your hair.
I know you don't want old parents here No, no, no! D-Don't go.
Don't go.
So, it turns out that old parents are the only people that I actually understand.
Well, what's going on? I'm having a hard time connecting with my "Summer of Miggy" persona.
All right, so, this is Jack eating dirt, and this is Jack making a cute noise.
I-It's just better when you can hear the noise.
Hey! You guys seen "Paddington 2"? No? And to make matters worse, Kickeeboy's sister just texted me.
Kiwi who? Kickeeboy's sister.
Yeah, we call her KBS.
Man, we vibed hard a few years back.
She texted saying that she's coming over and she's excited to see me.
Yeah, with, like, 15 eggplant emojis and a gif of Rihanna winking.
The "Ellen" one? Eh, eh, eh! Eh, eh, eh! Okay, okay, all right.
Yeah, good luck with all that.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no! You can't leave.
You can't leave.
I need you guys to help me snap out of it before she gets here.
- Please.
Please.
- One second.
Hey, c'mon! He's drowning here.
You wanna know what's drowning? The potatoes.
In chives and sour cream.
You and these damn potatoes.
Look, just give me 10 minutes.
Keep yourself busy.
Look, there's a beer pong game.
Go play, and we can talk about how much you hated it in the car.
Poppy, I refuse to insert myself into some teenager's game.
Okay, well, then I will.
- Hey, everybody.
This is Douglas.
- Poppy.
Stop it.
You're embarrassing me! He doesn't know anybody here, but he'd love to play with all of you.
Yeah, never said that.
[Chuckles nervously.]
See? That's what I did for Rory at birthday parties that one month he was shy.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah? How'd that turn out? All right, Tall Guy! You're up.
Fine.
What's the buy-in? MAN: What's the what? TRACY: Yeah, this isn't gonna work.
It's gonna have to move.
Where have you been? I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I had to take care of a few things, but I'm Forget it.
Just get into hair and makeup.
And lose the kid.
Newsflash I'm at your work.
Rory! What are you doing here? Okay, I stowed away in your backseat, right next to the bulk-sized toilet paper.
And yes, Will, I saw everything.
Mommy made me mash my M&M'S-zah.
Mommy made me mash my M&M'S-zah.
Whoo! [Rapping.]
Hey, yo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy, and hungry And I'm not throwing away my shot Everybody go, whoa, whoa, who-o-oa Shout it from the rooftop Who-o-a Listen to the rooftop Who-o-a Let 'em hear you Whoa It was only a mile drive.
And we will never talk about it again.
This is your fault.
You lent me the essential Sorkin box set.
And if "Sports Night" and one blessed season of "Studio 60" has taught me anything, it's that TV stations are hotbeds for scandal.
[Sighs.]
Rory, we have been over this.
KZOP is just a local news station and in no way resembles anything from the Sorkin-verse.
There is no story.
Okay, Will.
Challenge accepted.
That wasn't a challenge! I'm doing this for you.
You're gonna thank me.
You know what they say a newscaster is only as vibrant as his workplace.
Nobody says that.
Why are you not in hair and makeup? [Exhales sharply.]
You know what? Go home.
I-I will just run yesterday's forecast instead.
It's Los Angeles.
No one'll notice.
No, Tracy Tracy, please, please.
I can do this.
Mm.
Fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick out tonight's murders.
Well, that took no time at all.
What are you talking about? I've got my lead.
Tracy Freeze! Unhappy at work.
Unhappy in love.
She wanted it all, and she got it.
Or at least that's what she tells herself, alone on her coffee break, which is actually a smoke break.
Which is actually Well, let's just say Tracy has her vices.
Okay, she also happens to be my boss and is a bit of a hard-ass, so please just stay away from her, okay? Stay in here, don't get into trouble.
If you need me, I'll be in hair and makeup.
Hi.
Can you take me to Tracy Freeze's desk? It's probably the one with too much paperwork and not enough family photos.
Come on.
Didn't you get my text? I can't hang out tonight.
Graham's here.
Oh.
Sorry.
Um, I can go.
Okay.
Or I can meet him.
I mean, we gotta do this sometime, right? - Why not tonight? - Because I have a vision in my head of how I want it to go, and I want it to be perfect.
There's no such thing as perfect.
But maybe we should just let this happen.
Whatever it is, it'll be great.
Mom? Who's this? Oh.
Uh God.
Okay, um guess we're doing this right now.
Uh, Graham, this is [Chuckling.]
Hey, Graham.
I'm Owen.
And I'm your mom's special friend.
- [Gasps.]
- Ahh! [Groans.]
Graham! What was that, Graham? I've never seen you punch anything.
I-I don't know what happened.
He said "special friend," and then my fist was in his eye.
It was pure animal instinct.
This is the single best moment of my entire life.
I could hear the punch from the other room.
It sounded so meaty.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna go check on Owen.
Hey.
You know when you think of the worst-case scenario but you didn't go big enough? This is bad, Owen really bad.
Okay, okay, maybe you were right.
This was not meant to happen tonight.
But now it is happening.
Okay? And it has to be beautiful.
Not just two seconds of chitchat and some random act of violence.
GRAHAM: Is he okay? I thought my strongest muscle was my heart, but apparently, it's my right bicep.
You guys are gonna really like each other once you find some common ground.
I mean, you're both dudes, right? I am a dude.
Me too.
Also a dude.
So we're off to the races.
Did you order pizza, or are we on our own? You're on your own.
All right, we just need to find some dude stuff for you guys to bond over.
I mean, how about [Clears throat.]
mowing grass? We don't have a lawnmower.
Uh, what about Pac-Man? Gossiping at the barbershop? Uh, putting food inside another food? Have you met a man before? Um, help me out here.
Googling "boobs"? Okay, gendering things might be outdated, but you are really bad at it.
Angie, can I talk to you for a second over by the toaster? Oh! Toaster! Hot stuff! Toast? Bread? Boxers or briefs? Why are you being so weird? I've never introduced Graham to a boyfriend before.
Wait, really? I had no idea.
I'm honored.
And I'm on it.
Um I know.
We'll play catch.
It's classic, American.
Graham's punching hand will safely be tucked inside a glove.
Yes! All right, I'm gonna go steal some mitts from our neighbor's yard.
Yeah, that'll be five chow meins.
And extra duck sauce.
You got your dad's card? Okay, let's go through this again.
When KBS gets here, what are you gonna do? I will compliment her purse.
- Yes.
- I will ask about her and other items of adult interest.
- Yes! - I got this! Summer of Miggy.
What's up? I like your purse.
Yes! This is gonna be it, huh? Great news.
Miggy's good.
So if we leave now, we still have time to get the potatoes.
Not now, Poppy! Booty and Dagger are on the ropes, Insta-Steve's on fire, and we just have to sink one more in the suds for the chug and win! Wait a minute.
Are you having fun? No! I'm just finishing the game that you forced me to play.
Silence! I set the bar for all of these under-par cities I made varsity [Cheering.]
That's what I'm talking about! Did you like that? Yes! [Laughs.]
What? I am not having fun.
Yeah.
That's exactly what it looks like.
Where we at, player? Great.
Just stay close, 'cause I sweat a lot.
Hey, there, Sport.
Guy McCormick.
I'd shake your hand, but my fingers are completely shattered.
[Laughs.]
Uh, Will Cooper.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were off tonight.
I was, but Tracy called.
Said it was an emergency.
Sorry you got all dolled up for nothing.
But hey, you look tremendous.
Take yourself to dinner.
Nothing like hitting the town in a full face of makeup.
I'm Guy McCormick.
I know.
I think it's a day for the big brush, Billy.
They brought in Guy McCormick to do the weather tonight.
Oh.
I hope that's not because I talked to Tracy.
You talked to Tracy? How long are you going to follow me? Until you get to where you're going, Freeze.
Do you even know where that is? Have you ever known? Honestly, I'm just focused on ditching you.
- Did you just sign that birthday card? - Sure did, boo boo.
Next on the agenda why are you so tough on Will? - I'm not tough.
I am fair.
- [Cup clatters.]
Does Will say I'm tough? More specifically, he called you a hard ass.
What?! This isn't happening.
Cost of doing business.
Why would you do that? Why do I find the story? 'Cause it's my job.
No! It's literally my job.
If I even have a job anymore, thanks to you, Rory! All right.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to help.
Well, now I have to go find Tracy and do damage control.
That anger you're feeling? That's life, baby! Oh.
Hey.
I'm Miggy's friend Poppy.
Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Cool.
Okay.
Uh, so, where's Miggy? I sent him to get me ice.
He kept talking about his son and how he can almost walk.
I mean, big deal.
We can all walk.
Huh.
I was psyched to see him tonight.
We had vibes back in the day.
Now I guess he's just a boring dad.
Miggy, she didn't mean that.
You know what? I didn't want to say anything, but I saw her take drugs.
She meant it.
KBS is brutally honest.
You can ask anyone in our crew.
She's our Lincoln.
No.
Miggy [Sighs.]
Douglas, we got an emergency.
I can't, Poppy.
I'm in the zone.
Beer pong is my new potatoes.
- Well, the - Sss, sss! [Cheering.]
Yes! Cannot be denied! [Laughs.]
All right, guys, I like what I'm seeing here.
Strong arms! Full hearts! - This lady's lost it.
- Uh-huh.
C'mon.
Angie had a vision.
I think it has something to do with Norman Rockwell.
How are we the same age as you? Graham, you're doing great! Really, tell me if you guys need any, you know, cowboy hats.
I'm starting to understand the appeal of this.
Yeah.
It's kind of meditative.
It's like you give and you receive.
- [Chuckles.]
- Give and you receive.
Careful! Don't hit that succulent.
I would never.
It's a Barbary fig.
Are you hearing this, Mom? Owen's a plant bro, too! [Groans.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! Quick, what was your kindergarten teacher's name? - I don't know.
- Oh, my God.
That's 'cause you have a concussion.
No, it's because she quit to work at that gas station to make more money.
This is only fair.
I took a swing, he took a shot right back.
Graham, he didn't hit you on purpose.
He was probably just nervous.
Like you were.
I knew I'd meet your boyfriend someday.
What, are you gonna stay single? You're a hot tamale.
But I didn't expect to feel so weird about it.
You can feel as weird as you want to, buddy.
I get it.
I'm nervous, too.
This is new territory for both of us.
But hey, we're getting through it.
Not unscathed, but still, through it.
I actually like Owen.
Good.
I feel like I've met him before.
But you haven't.
No, today was the first time.
Graham.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
I know I look athletic, but I'm not.
Don't worry about it.
We're even.
Pretty good shot you got me with.
I won't hesitate to defend my lady.
I could teach you some moves.
Oh, yeah? All right.
I could use a lesson.
I'm ready for you this time, though.
What do you got? - So, we got one, two, three, four, jab - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - karate chop, karate chop, karate chop - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! and then, um Hey, Angie? Yeah? We've been talking, and, well where's Rory? [Gasps.]
Garbage.
Garbage.
This is okay.
And garbage.
Tracy, can I just say I'm so sorry about Rory.
Sorry for how he pitched me the game show "Scenarios!" or for how he said you think I'm a hard-ass? - He pitched you "Scenarios!"? - Yes, he did.
Well, then maybe I should be saying "You're welcome.
" - [Laughs.]
- No.
Okay, I'll apologize, then.
Rory just has it in his mind that a news station should be full of scandal.
And when he saw that there wasn't any, he made some up.
So you didn't say I'm a hard-ass? No way, José.
I said it.
I feel very bad about it, too.
But if I'm being honest [Sighs.]
i-it's just because I-I'm a little intimidated by you.
You make me nervous, and I think it's 'cause I think very highly of you.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I You know, I think very highly of you, too.
You do? Yeah, you're really blossoming.
As a weatherman.
And I'm very sorry if that was weird.
No.
Thank you for saying nice stuff.
McCormick.
You're off.
Come back when your arm is healed.
I can't have the weather reported by someone who's always pointing to Bakersfield.
Well, I'm not letting this contouring go to waste.
Daddy's going to dinner.
[Laughs.]
- He took that well.
- Uh-huh.
So you're back on.
Don't let me down.
I won't.
And there it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the twist no one saw coming.
We are in a love story! - What? - You and Freeze.
No! That's crazy.
Just admit it I'm onto something.
You're blushing.
I am not! It's rouge! Billy got me all tarted up.
I know rouge.
That ain't rouge.
No.
Yes.
I like that one.
[Rap music plays, indistinct conversations.]
So, how you doing? Not great.
Apparently, I'm old now.
Not old old, like you and D-glas.
No offense.
Well, he's t Sure.
But, like, not cool.
Or fun.
Hey, remember that thing you said a while back about how after you had Rory, you couldn't go out without thinking about him? That was this morning, so, yes, I remember.
- Was it?! - Mm-hmm.
- God, it's been a long day.
- [Chuckles.]
Anyway, when you said that, I thought "What a loser.
I'm never gonna be that.
" But maybe I am.
But it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Miggy, you're growing up, just like Jack.
My advice stop looking back and enjoy moving forward.
Yeah.
You're right.
Stop the music! Stop the beer pong! - Oh! - [Cheering.]
That means you, too, Douglas! I'm not done with you, Tre Tre.
Make this quick.
Look, Summer of Miggy was a beautiful thing, but this baby boy's having a growth spurt.
Some might say into a "boring dad.
" But I like who I am now.
Also, why don't we start these things a little earlier, huh? How about 4:00 to 8:00? 'Cause then this way, you can still get dinner after.
And then, bam, we're in bed by 9:30! Who's with me?! [Murmuring.]
Huh?! [Cellphone chimes.]
I just got a text.
After-party at Dwayne's house! [Cheering.]
Dwayne! Are you crazy, Miggy?! I-I'm having Just admit it! Fun! I'm having fun, okay? That's right.
Hey.
I really like how you yelled at everyone like that.
I got daddy issues.
I was into it.
That's what's up.
So, are you really gonna kick all of us out? I am.
And I'll text you.
But there's only one person I really want to chill with tonight.
Oh, my God! Guys, I think he's gonna do it! He's gonna do it.
Come here! Come here! Come here! - Go, Jack.
- Okay, okay.
- You can do it.
- He's gonna do it! Oh, my God! - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's gonna do it, he's gonna [Thud, all groan.]
MIGGY: He's going! Go, Jack! Guys! - Oh, he's back up! He got back up! - Yay! - Baby boy! - You're right, it is like me - after two glasses of wine.
- See? - Yes! He's gonna do it! - Come on, Jack! MIGGY: He's gonna do it! Oh, my God! - Do it! - Do it! [All cheering.]
He's going to Daddy! He's going to Daddy! [Cheering.]
My baby walked! Yes! We can all be impressed, but to be honest, he should have been walking months ago.
Cut it out.
Hey, can you pass me that viper's bowstring? Yeah.
Plant it right next to the tiger tooth aloe.
Oh.
You have quite the way with terrarium design.
You get that from your mom? No.
She's a black thumb.
I don't know how, but she once killed a fake plant.
Yeah, she had a plant on her desk at work once.
After a few weeks, it was noticeably growing away from her.
[Both laugh.]
O kay.
I'm really happy to see you guys are bonding, but can we pick a new lane? She's the best, isn't she? Yeah.
She is.
So, you gonna marry her or what? - Um - Um