Sledge Hammer! s01e17 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Hammer, I cannot believe what you're saying.
Incarcerate potentiaI criminals at birth? What are you going to do? Throw them in a baby prison? If they resist arrest.
This theory of yours is absolutely obscene.
It's a question of heredity.
Criminals breed criminals.
All right, give me an example.
Ma Barker and her kids, the Dalton gang, the James brothers, Butch Cassidy and his kid.
Now, Doreau, you window-shop long enough and you can get some reaI finds.
- Freeze, freako! - Hammer! Drop the iron.
Drop it.
OK, I'll take it.
Doreau, wrap up this sleazy package.
Ma'am, if you'd call us a black-and-white, we'd appreciate it.
I'll prove my point here.
I'll show you that the Sledge Hammer "Scum beget scum" theory is scientific fact.
- Hammer, that's absolutely unnecessary.
- So is saying that.
All right, you genetic mutant.
What does your father do? Who wants to know? I do.
I'm doing a little survey.
Now, what does he do? He's the PresidentiaI Press Secretary.
You see, Doreau.
Poor guy never had a chance.
Hammer, you're not going to believe this.
A man was booked for attempting to break into the Wentworth mansion.
- So what? - I thought this would be of interest to you.
- Why? Did someone get killed? - No.
- Well, then, don't tease me, Doreau.
- The man appears to be your brother.
My brother? Gee, I haven't seen my brother in I don't have a brother.
A Myles Hammer's been in Trunk's office for over an hour.
He swears he's your brother.
I met him.
He's got the looks and the brains.
What did you get? The trigger finger.
So there we were, standing in the middle of the Champs Elysees - OK, Captain, what's going on? - Just a minute, Hammer.
Your brother's in the middle of a very funny story.
- OK, slime clone! - Hammer! Hammer, get your hands off that man.
I realise you're upset by this sudden revelation, Sledge.
I never meant for us to meet under circumstances that were so inauspicious.
I think you mean suspicious, don't you? Hammer, this is very heavy.
This is your brother.
What is this? I Any jerk who walks in and claims to be my brother, you believe? It all checks out.
Bellman in Records ran a full trace.
- It's all in the files.
- I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I want to see Bellman.
I want to see those records right now.
'Be right in, Captain Trunk.
' How come my parents never talked about you? Probably in fear of his safety, Hammer.
- The file, sir.
- Thank you.
All right, give me that.
"Born Passaic, New Jersey.
" Well, I wasn't the only one born in Passaic, New Jersey.
"Parents were Jack and Armande Hammer.
" So? There are lots of Jack and Armande Hammers in this country.
Gotta be.
According to this, you were born three months before my parents were married.
So, how do you explain that, slimeball? - Read on.
He grew up in an orphanage.
- That's right.
Mother and Father gave me up at birth.
They had what is known as a shotgun wedding.
Oh, a shotgun wedding! Boy, that sounds romantic, doesn't it? - I don't believe it.
- It checks out.
Well, look at him.
He doesn't even resemble me.
Oh, there is a resemblance.
Only, he's infinitely better looking than you are.
If you don't mind, I believe I'm entitled to make one phone call.
- Oh, Myles, use my phone.
- It's a personaI call.
Well, if it's a personaI call, Myles, you can use my phone.
Bellman, would you show Myles? - It's right around that - Oh, let me get that for you.
- There you are.
- Thank you, Myles.
What is this? "Use my phone.
" "No, use my phone, pick up my stuff.
" "Hey, use my phone!" - Hammer, face the facts.
- That this two-bit criminaI is my brother? No, that the Sledge Hammer "Scum beget scum" theory doesn't hold water.
So, sometimes it skips a generation.
- But you two are the same generation.
- Don't confuse me.
Will the defendant please rise? Now comes my favourite part.
The sentencing.
Myles Hammer, Mrs Wentworth has decided to drop all charges against you.
- You are a free man.
- What? However, out of personaI curiosity, the court would like to know, if you don't mind, how this came about.
Evelyn and I mean, Mrs Wentworth and I reached a mutuaI understanding, Your Honour.
- Know what I mean? - Your Judgeship, wait a minute! You're not going to let this oiI can grease his way out of this? - Hammer, that man's your brother.
- Yeah? And I voted for Mondale.
I've seen better decisions made by Ouija boards.
One more outburst and I will hold you in contempt of court.
If you held me, all there'd be was contempt.
Your Honour, please excuse Inspector Hammer's outburst.
He's just discovered that we're brothers, and the sight of me accused of a crime has upset him.
Your Honour, may I speak on behalf of the defendant? He wants you to throw the book at him.
Really.
No mercy.
"I want the gas chamber.
" He told me this.
He did.
Take your hand off the defendant's mouth.
I imagine it's a shock for Sledge, an outstanding citizen and decorated officer, to see his brother facing triaI.
I can assure you, this will never happen again.
It certainly won't if you put this turkey behind bars.
I am shocked at the lack of compassion you have toward your brother.
You are positively inhuman.
Well, it's nice of you to say.
This court is adjourned untiI after lunch.
Well, Myles, what are you going to do now? Find a place to live, I guess.
He can stay with you, can't he, Hammer? He's your brother.
My building doesn't allow pets.
Well, if Hammer won't put you up, you can stay at my house.
I'm so ashamed of you.
You care more about your gun than your own brother.
I grew up with my gun.
I could shoot before I could walk.
Well? What's it going to be? - All right.
- Thanks, brother.
Enough groping.
I've never lived with another human being in my entire life.
- You were married.
- That's what I mean.
Well, here it is.
Hmm.
I bet you decorated it yourself.
How'd you guess? We're brothers, remember? 'Hammer, you're a dead man.
' Ha! I didn't think he'd call.
You got quite a fan club there.
Listen, paI, I'm in no mood for wisecracks.
In the last 24 hours, I have gained a brother and a roommate.
What am I going to find out next? I got two kids? - Didn't I tell you? - Shut up.
I'm kidding! It's funny, I've always known there was another part of me out there.
They say brothers can be psychically linked, feeI each other's feelings.
- Do you think that's true? - I don't know.
Do you feeI homicidaI? Why are you so hostile? Hey, that's interesting.
A target, right in your own apartment.
Reflects my taste.
I guess I won't be needing it any more, now that you're here.
Where do we start? We got 40 years of catching up to do.
Don't you hit me unless you mean it.
Tomorrow I want you to get out and find yourself a job.
Maybe as a department store mannequin.
Of course, of course! And don't get too comfortable.
If my new landlady finds out you're here, it's adios, amigos.
She's strict.
Mr Hammer? Is there someone with you? Ah, yeah.
Just a minute, Mrs Steinberg.
See? Thanks a lot.
- Trying to sneak in a roommate? - This is not what you think.
This guy here, he claims to be my brother.
So - Really? - Yeah.
He seems way too good-looking.
That's a lovely necklace.
It's Fijian, isn't it? Anuinui.
Well, Mr Anunu-tutu-tutu is just leaving.
Nonsense.
He's welcome to stay.
For as long as he likes.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
Perhaps we could discuss the wikimitiki matroI! Wikimitiki, huh? - You get a lot of mileage out of that charm.
- Well, she's fantastic.
- Do you know her very well? - You can sleep on the couch.
We must have something in common.
Do you like chess? No.
I prefer games of true mentaI agility and stamina.
Like skulling.
OK, you like canoeing.
Great.
No.
Bashing skulls.
I see.
Maybe we don't have anything in common.
Except Mother and Father.
Mom sure was a looker.
Yeah, they were great.
I guess you never got to know 'em very well, huh? Oh We talked every now and then.
I know they'd be really proud of at least one of their sons today.
You know, I I kept a scrapbook of all your exploits, Sledge.
I'm really proud of you.
Well, I guess it's time I got ready for bed.
All right, take the bed.
It's softer.
Good night, Sledge.
Good night, Myles.
Hello, Maddie.
It's me.
Rook takes pawn.
Oh, you mean it? Oh! Hey, Hammer, I told my family about your brother.
Do you think he might like to come over the house? Meet my sister? Sure.
Why not? But don't bring out the good silver.
Listen, Doreau, the next person that praises my brother is going to get a.
44 calibre heart massage.
- It's not jealousy I hear, is it, Hammer? - Right! What has he got that I could possibly be jealous of? He's suave, charming.
- Polite.
- A better dresser than you.
Well I've got to be going.
What are you all decked out for? MarceI Marceau wears less make-up than that.
- I have a date.
- What do you mean, a date? A date? You mean you have a date? You mean like a date? A date like a date with a man? Yes.
Someone you know.
- Your brother.
- Doreau, you can't do that.
Hammer, on my off-hours I can do whatever I want.
If you want a reaI hot date, I'll fix you up with the flasher in the holding cell.
At least he's ready to commit to a relationship.
You're lucky.
You're an only child.
- Who are you talking to, Hammer? - Oh, I'm just So, Myles, tell me a little about yourself.
What's to tell? I'm like most people.
I've drifted from place to place.
I've done things I'm not too proud of.
I've learned things the hard way.
I enjoy tennis, horseback riding, polo, quoits, badminton, snooker.
You know, it's so odd.
Two brothers, same family, same genes.
And one of them goes so wrong.
Yeah.
Hell, I guess I'm just a victim of circumstances.
- I was referring to Sledge.
- Ah.
I don't speak French.
You'll have to order for me.
Certainement.
Pour la mademoiselle, Coquilles St Jacques, et pour moi, escargots.
Voila.
Your wine, monsieur.
This isn't a 1970 Chateuneuf-du-Pape.
- Ah, well, monsieur - It's a '73, you oaf! Excusez-moi, but we are freshly out of that vintage.
You get back there and bring us a Montrachet '79.
Oui, monsieur.
Toute de suite.
Right away.
Where did you learn about wine? I spent severaI jaiI terms near the Napa Valley.
But that's all behind me.
I'm turning over a new leaf now.
Meeting my brother has shown me the error of my ways.
Oh, where is he? He's been gone for ten minutes.
I understand.
You're upset.
So am I.
Hey, shut up! I'm trying to think.
Thank you, Myles.
This is very nice, I've always wanted to come here.
- And I want to thank you for paying.
- What? - He's my customer! - Would you care to dance? - All right.
- I love to dance, don't you? I'm sorry, you can't cut in.
I'm with my lady.
Does this happen all the time? Only when I'm out in public.
I really can't get over that you're Sledge's brother.
Well, I am.
Perhaps you could answer a question, something I've been dying to know.
Is Sledge's middle name really Alfred? Yep, sure is.
Sledge Alfred Hammer.
Do you believe it? That's Majoy's middle name.
I must have made a mistake.
- Sledge doesn't have a middle name.
- Oh, that's right.
- Where did I get Alfred from? - I don't know.
- Where did you get Alfred from? - Hmm.
Who cares about his middle name? I think I know why you invited me here.
Hammer, I have something to tell you.
Hey, I don't want to hear the gory details.
It's about Myles.
I found out something horrible.
Let me guess.
He sleeps with his mouth open? - He's not your brother.
- He's my sister? No, he's not really your brother.
I tricked him into telling me your middle name.
- Right.
I don't have a middle name.
- Exactly.
- So? - So? He said you did.
How did he alter his records to match yours? I don't know.
There's no place he could have found that information except in my file.
Bellman! He said that if I gave him the information about Inspector Hammer, that he would marry me.
- You believed that? - What are you talking about? - You believed he was your brother! - Well, I didn't I uh Why would Myles want people to believe he's Hammer's brother? He said he needed a new identity.
A trump card to cover for him while he tried to figure out how to rob Mrs Wentworth.
So I told him about you because you don't have any family.
I found out that he was having an affair with Mrs Wentworth.
I still loved him.
Don't you have any self-respect, woman? No! - Well, ask a silly question, right? - Hammer! What was Myles's reaI name, anyway? Bruce Radish.
He's an out-of-work off-Broadway actor.
An actor? The lowest form of criminaI.
- It's time I brought the curtain down on him.
- Hammer! Your brother's in the Wentworth mansion, holding a hostage.
He dressed like you and used a badge to get in.
He's demanding to see you.
Come on, Doreau.
Book her! Hammer, tell Myles the dinner's still on.
Come on, Myles.
Give yourself up.
Let's settle this thing peacefully.
Let the maid go.
No way! Not till I talk to Sledge.
Ooh! Sorry I'm late.
But it looks like I got here in time for the fun, huh? Hammer, you wouldn't shoot your own brother, would you? Wait a minute.
Of course you would.
Captain, Myles really isn't Hammer's brother.
It was all a ruse.
- He's really an unemployed Thespian.
- And he's an actor, too.
- I wonder where he got all this ammunition.
- Must've picked the lock on my hope chest.
Sledge, get everybody else outta here or she gets it.
I thought actors loved an audience! All right, Captain, why don't you get this party out of here? - This is a family matter.
- No, Hammer.
The thought of leaving you with priceless works of art scares the living daylights out of me.
Relax.
What could I possibly bust? By the way, where are the Wentworths? The Wentworths are at a Republican caucus meeting.
- Where? - At the Liars' Club.
Come on, I'm getting impatient.
OK, we're gonna be right outside this door.
All right, we're leaving.
OK, glamour boy, you can come out now.
We're all alone.
- Don't shoot! - Trust me.
I never miss.
It's Myles I'm thinking of.
He's got such a beautifuI face.
Oh.
God! Women! You know, all along I knew you weren't my brother.
- But this proves it.
- What do you mean? You didn't kill anybody.
You thought you were brothers? Clearly, he's much too handsome.
Come to think of it, I have been known to miss on occasion! But you know what burns me up the worst, brother dearest? - That I borrowed your suit? - Well, that, too.
But worse than that, you tried to play on my emotions.
What few I have.
I'm sorry.
Can't you give me a head start? Give me a chance to make a break for it.
Right.
That sounds like a good idea.
That'll make it more interesting.
- Ah-ah-ah! - You let her go first.
- But he said he'd take me to the opera.
- Some other time.
I'll give you five minutes.
- You'll never regret it.
- I know.
Waaah! Oops! - Ooh! - Nice save, Doreau.
Yeah, nice save.
Hammer! - You do have to give him credit.
- Why's that? He's an actor who does his own stunts.
- What are you guys doing? - Checking your family tree.
Trying to figure out who you are related to.
- What did you come up with? - Your roots go back to Ivan the Terrible.
Great.
I had an Uncle Ivan.
Did you know you're a distant relative of Genghis Khan? Good.
I had an Aunt Khan.
Joan Khan.
You are a direct descendent of Gandhi? Oh, well, there's a black sheep in every family.
He was the bald guy who wore a sheet, right?