Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e17 Episode Script
The Disaster Show
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip it's Friday night in Hollywood.
I've been watching all this week and I gotta tell you, I love what I see.
You're back.
Yeah.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
- What do we got? - We have a year-in-review theme.
Is there a sketch you feel you can cut? "Lmmaculate My Ass," "HBO's Ho Ho Ho's" and "Hookers at the Pole.
" The Nicolas Cage Show.
A militant Fruit of the Loom? - I can take that.
- You call me Mongongo.
Dolphin Girl.
He's saying, "Heil Hitler.
" - You're reading too much into it.
- He's giving the Nazi salute.
- Now that you said it, that's all I can see.
- It's all anybody can see.
It's a great studio with an incredible history.
People who've had this stage You like it? Yeah.
Good.
Because we live here now.
This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.
Let's go.
Let's go! Right there.
Right there.
Hold it! It's gonna be fine.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Because it sounds like a calamity, Cal.
No, it's fine.
- It's a catastrophe.
- I think it could be fun.
- How? - You'll have a story to tell.
I'll have a story to tell about how I was the guest host of a catastrophic, calamitous calamity? It's gonna be great on the talk shows.
The house is open, you knock them dead, you unbelievable beauty.
- I hate you.
No problem.
Why did I listen to you? - Cal? Cal! Yeah.
Jenny, keep the band playing, okay, until the warm-up.
Yes, sir.
Is it good? Ready? Ha! Ha.
What's going on? You all know what a wildcat strike is.
You don't know what a wildcat All right.
Well, you're about to live through one.
Local 44 of the Propmasters' Union, their contract expires at midnight tonight but our guys decided to walk out early.
- When? Ten minutes ago.
- Our prop guys walked out? - They did.
Well, how are we supposed to do anything? They can't do that.
I can't hear you if you all talk at once.
Why? - Okay, I heard that.
Why? Danny was talking about the contract, got frustrated and said something impolitic that may have been interpreted the wrong way.
What did he say? "You're just prop guys, you're easily replaceable.
" Oh, my mother Why would he do that? So they've decided to test us on that theory.
The house is open.
Crew, take your pre-show positions.
Cast, follow me.
Cal, I shoot a gun in a sketch.
And he shoots it at me.
- Gun will be there.
I'm sure, I just want it to not have bullets.
- I'll aim low.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
As you can see, all of your props are pre-set on the prop table the way they always are.
- We're not crossing a picket line, are we? - Absolutely not.
We're all union guys here, we will not perform the job of a propmaster tonight.
They've been built and painted, been laid out in the exact running order.
You just need to pick them up off this table.
Damn.
If anything you needed just broke go to the prop room and find a suitable substitute.
We have anything you need in the prop room.
Question.
Yeah? - Where's the prop room? - It's behind the voiceover booth.
- They moved it months ago.
- It's left of Tunnel 1.
- Craft service.
- Don't know where your props come from? - They come from the prop guys.
- They're right here on the floor.
- What about the cards? - What? The cue cards.
The cue-card guys belong to the Propmasters' Union.
- Really? - Yes.
Danny's insult was just at the prop guys, the cue-card guys didn't take offense You guys have a good show, and shove these up your ass.
Ahem.
Well, now we got ourselves a ball game.
So do me a favor.
Just so they can get a sound level upstairs, give me a nice round of applause.
I was messing with you.
They don't need a level check.
I like the applause.
Two minutes to cold open.
Two minutes.
Okay, here we go.
Stay with me, baby.
- Allison.
Allison, my friend.
- Cal.
- Will this union thing affect the cue cards? - No.
Cue-card guys are part of the Propmasters' Union.
That's a good union, I'm a union guy.
What was Danny thinking? - People do funny things when hungry.
- What? He's on the phone with the union reps making it better.
I want to break his neck.
The Teamsters out in the parking lot are slashing his tires, if that helps.
- A little.
- In the meantime - It's not gonna affect the cards? - No.
Because I barely know the monologue.
The cards are fine.
Patrick is gonna fit you with an ear wig.
- Why? - So I can talk to you if I need to.
Why would you need to? Timings are funny, may need you to cut something or fill.
Can't Danny just hand-signal me from his chair? I tell you, the lights from the 30's on the low deck are coming in at what's called a photonically-saturating angle.
- Did you just make that up? - No.
Patrick? You've worn one before.
It fits like a hearing aid, got an antenna pokes out the side.
- That's not an antenna.
What is it? - A string to pull it out.
It's got a string to pull it out.
Sixty seconds to cold open, 60 seconds.
Here we go.
Big show, big show! - My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Sorry to hear that.
Eat them up, big show.
- My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Bummer.
Just now.
Right in my dressing room.
- A dressing-room breakup.
- Yeah.
- Why? - She said she asked around about me.
Uh-oh.
- What does that mean? - That she asked around about you.
What would she find out? Well, what'd she say? She says I'm never with one woman more than a couple of months.
That's why I said, "Uh-oh.
" - Was this Daphne? - No.
- Carla? - No.
- Brenda? - It was Stephanie.
How long have you been with Stephanie? - A couple of months.
- Well It lasted a couple of months because she just broke up with me.
I'm in the cold open.
Have a good show.
Whatever.
Got the script pages right here.
- Thank you.
Water? - In the mug.
Okay.
"Good evening.
" In five, four From Court TV Studios in New York, it's Nancy Grace.
Good evening and welcome to "Scarred Forever: A Special Nancy Grace Investigation.
" I'm Nancy Grace.
A young woman goes in for routine cosmetic surgery an investment in her promising career as a hostess at her local Applebee's.
What happens next is a nightmare.
The surgery botched, her self-esteem butchered like her once-pert breasts.
Her marriage of seven years ended as her husband can't stand the frightening sight of her.
- Stand by.
Her name? Candy.
Let's throw up a picture of Candy before the surgery.
Go.
Seems that the propmasters here at The Nancy Grace Show have put what sure tastes like grain alcohol in my coffee mug.
That's an ugly mistake.
- Tommy.
- Did you see that? - What? - Somebody spiked her water.
It's gonna be a whole night like this.
And Stephanie just broke up with me.
- When? - Five minutes ago.
- Why? - She thinks I'm just playing around not looking for something serious.
- Are you? - I could be.
- She kind of got your number.
- I don't have a number.
I'm not that guy.
- What about Hawaii? - I know.
- We're supposed to fly to Kona.
- I know.
- It can be the three of us.
- That sounds fine.
Fly all the way to Hawaii with you and Lucy and watch you guys have fun? We already paid for a two-bedroom bungalow.
Isn't there anyone hanging out in the green room tonight? This is what I'm talking about.
I'm not a dog.
I thought there were some good-looking women up in the green room tonight.
All right, I'll check it out.
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
- Go VTR.
With Alex Dwyer.
Harriet Hayes.
Tom Jeter.
Dylan Killington.
Samantha Li.
Simon Stiles.
- Jeannie Whatley.
- Go VTR.
Cal? Hold on.
- It's me, Cal.
GIANNELLl: And me.
I like the looks of this.
Ready two.
- At the commercial break, okay? - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Allison Janney.
Okay, say thank you right now if you can hear me.
Thank you.
- Good.
You're probably noticing there are no cue cards out there.
Thank you.
What the hell? We don't have cue-card guys, I didn't wanna make you nervous.
Thank you very much.
- I got the script right here if you need us.
- No, you're really too kind.
That's the spirit.
- It's great to be here in New York.
- You're in L.
A.
, Allison.
- In L.
A.
Of course we're in L.
A.
It's great to be here.
I live here.
Far be it for me to brag Not to sound like I'm bragging but tonight is my first time hosting Third.
The third time hosting the show.
It doesn't matter.
- Doing great.
- What matters to do this joke, is that the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live - Studio 60! - Studio 60.
I'm in L.
A.
- Has Allison Janney lost her mind? - I know, it's weird.
The first time I hosted was back when I was doing a Tv show.
- The West Wing.
- I know the name of the show.
I'm talking to There's a thing in my ear.
Seriously, has Allison Janney lost her mind? Hey, Allison, what do you say we dump it? Macy Gray is here.
As a special gift to you on my first Third.
- Third appearance.
I'm gonna skip the monologue and I wanna tell you we have a great show tonight.
Macy Gray is here.
Whoo! So stick around, we'll be right back.
We're out.
I will come up there and kill you.
You did good.
- What do you need? What's going on? Cue-card guys walked out with the prop guys.
- Why'd the prop guys walk? - Danny said something.
- To who? - The prop guys.
- What'd he say? - He said they were replaceable.
- Uh-huh.
- They took umbrage.
- Where is he? - In the parking lot trying some diplomacy.
Who's running the show? - I am.
Where's Matt? Helping the cast write their lines on their hands.
Why? - Cue-card guys walked out The cue-card guys, yeah.
- You guys run a tight ship.
- I got about a minute left.
- Gino.
- We got a bomb threat.
A serious one? We're taking it seriously.
They reference a sketch, someone saw it at the dress.
- What sketch? - "Mohammed, the Thin-Skinned Prophet?" It's a new character for Tom Jeter.
What about dumping the show so we can get out and air the dress? - We can't air the dress.
Why not? We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
You didn't record the color blue at the dress? Yeah, and we also had to interrupt the first music set when a tool belt fell on-stage.
Do we cancel the show? Not yet, let us stay on it.
The audience won't be allowed out of their seats until further notice.
- Okay.
If a bomb goes off after we got a warning know what will happen to our insurance premiums? Yeah, plus people will get hurt.
It would be fundamentally wrong of me to leave the building, get in my car and drive far away.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back to work.
Try to broadcast in the full spectrum of color? Do my best.
- Gonna be a good show tonight? Don't see how.
Okay.
I'm sorry, sir, I don't mean to be pushy but we've been waiting for our car for almost 20 minutes.
Yes, ma'am.
Any chance it'll be brought out anytime? Soon.
Soon? It's a busy night.
- Offer him some money.
- I just paid $ 20 to park the car.
- Does she have the wallet? - Took the wallet off the table, she's fine.
All right.
All right.
- Sir? - Yes.
Do you think our car might get out here any faster if I offered you this? If I offered you this lovely empty wallet which is worth $50.
That wallet? - This wallet.
I can't watch.
That wallet? Yes.
- You broke up with Luke? - I think he broke up with me, but, yeah.
- Why? - The usual reason.
- Matt? - Yeah.
- Gonna go out with Matt again? - No.
- Why? - Usual reason.
- You're both stupid.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Feel free to go out with him.
- Luke? - Matt.
- I'm not going out with Matt.
- You can.
- I'm not.
- I'm just saying you can if you want to.
Thanks.
Don't go out with Matt.
Oh, honey, you really need to pull it together.
I know.
I think it's going okay.
Hey, Tom.
- Good job.
Good job? How about a little help out there? - We covered well, we stayed right with it.
- You stayed right with it.
I had an empty wallet, I ended up offering you my pants.
That's why you're the best, a hall-of-famer.
You're on my list now.
He's on my list.
Start making a list.
Cal and then Tom.
And keep a pen handy.
How's it going? - Oh, the train, she is wrecked.
- Matt's going out of his mind.
- It's live TV, a high-wire act without a net.
- Bodies are going splat.
- I feel like we're gonna rally.
Just get through it.
Tonight's show is the only thing standing between us and Hawaii.
- There's a small Hawaii snag.
- What? - Stephanie broke up with Simon.
- Oh, no.
When? - Right before the show.
- Why? She seems to think that Simon's a womanizer.
She didn't know that before? - It's not true.
- Of course it is.
- He's very serious about his relationships.
I'm heading into the green room.
I'll have a date for Hawaii in three minutes.
Simon, you can't just meet a girl and ask her to go to Hawaii.
Talk to her, would you? Hm? It's an interesting show tonight.
How you gonna do "News 60" without the cards? That one's easy, we just use the script pages.
Danny pissed off the prop guys, huh? Yes.
Yes, he did.
I know you, don't I? I guess not well enough.
Jennifer Schroeder.
Yeah, sure, Jennifer.
The show's a lot better when you watch it from the floor.
- Can I take you there? - Sure.
I can't believe Jeff sent Simon Stiles to take me to the floor.
- Who is Jeff? - My husband.
Head of NBS Legal? That's how I know you.
Yeah, you're gonna have to watch in here.
Okay.
Stiles, am I who you're looking for? - Claire.
- You remember my name.
- Where you been, Claire? - Where have I been? - I tried calling you 50 different ways.
- When? The next morning and then many times after that.
- You are so full of it.
- Oh, you gave me the wrong number.
Sell it somewhere else.
I lost the piece of paper but I remembered all the digits were prime numbers one, three, five, seven, 11.
I had Tom Jeter's brother, a mechanical engineer kick out all the possible combinations and I called them all.
- You're kidding.
- I'm not.
- 818? - 310.
- My area code's 818.
- Obviously, that was my mistake.
- I hear you're dating Stephanie.
- My mistake too.
- Stephanie's great.
- I agree, but she broke up with me.
- Why? - She thinks I'm a womanizer.
- You are.
- I'm not, I'm just good-looking.
- When did you guys break up? - Right before the show.
Okay, it's 35 minutes later and you're trolling the green room for a pair of legs to take to the party.
That's untrue.
I'm trolling the green room for a pair of legs to take to Hawaii.
- You are unbelievable.
- Come with me.
- To Hawaii? No.
- Tomorrow morning.
- Why not? - Self-respect.
- You mean you have some? - Yes.
- You see - Simon.
Look, yes, you caught me.
I came in here looking for anything I could find but I found you.
And I've been looking for you pretty hard.
Do you know how many combinations of seven prime numbers there are? - No, do you? - No, I had an intern do it, but still.
I have to give it to you, you are funny.
We had a great date.
We can just pick right up where we left off.
- Don't think I've heard stories about you? - They're not true.
- Mariah Carey? - That one's true.
- Beyoncé? - That one's true.
Okay.
Those stories are about me and somebody else, not you.
If you don't wanna go to Hawaii, that's fine.
Let's get together and have coffee when I get back.
- When's that? - Tuesday.
I leave for London for two months on Wednesday.
- You do? - Yeah.
Where the hell have you been, Claire? I found you and you're going somewhere Two minutes to "News 60.
" Two minutes.
Two-minute call.
- It was a good date we had.
- It was a great date.
I gotta go.
You really tried calling all the numbers? I really did.
All right.
Take me to Hawaii.
Ninety seconds back.
Ready two, ready three.
VTR standing by with music, animation, graphics.
This is the bomb squad.
GIANNELLl: Take an hour to check the building.
And give us the all-clear when we're saying good night? Yeah.
- Lf you used more dogs, will it go faster? - We've only got five dogs.
- They're all working? Yes.
How many bomb threats are there in a day? About six.
You're kidding.
- No.
Okay, let me ask you this.
First of all, does the dog have to be sniffing me right now? Sit down.
- The German shepherd speaks German? - He only speaks German.
Okay, let me ask you something.
Should we be clearing the building? Nothing has led the police to determine it's a serious threat.
- You've had these.
- Not from a Muslim.
- You don't know the caller was a Muslim.
- We know the sketch.
He said, "Didn't you see what happened after the Danish cartoon?" What's the guy have to do, take a pilgrimage to Mecca? Just let these guys do their jobs, huh? Can you tell us, are you operating any electronic devices in the building? They're fine.
Let's go.
You're taking this in stride.
- I'm pretty drunk.
- Okay.
- Cal? - Yeah.
You've had dead air for about 10 seconds.
Go VTR, go VTR! From Los Angeles, California it's "News 60" with Harriet Hayes and Simon Stiles.
Maxie, I'm telling you, I can't remember the mug's name.
Maybe this will jog your memory.
I guess there's only one thing standing in your way, Maxie.
Guess again, sister.
Uh, FX and Sound, I think you may have missed that cue.
See, I thought you shot me.
It even looked like you did, kid.
We only had another half-page left, anyway: Two minutes back, everyone.
Two minutes back.
What's happening? No sound and your squibs didn't go off.
Yeah, I know.
It's cool.
Cal bailed you out.
Bailing me out would been driving me home and getting me drunk.
Did I look stupid? You can check it out yourself on YouTube in a couple minutes.
Wait till I get my hands on Matt and Danny.
Put them on my list.
- Allison - And put Tom on there twice.
This is live TV.
This isn't your White House show where you get to do it again.
We've been in a slump lately and we had to bottom out.
Every couple years, we have a disaster show.
- I'm hosting the disaster show? God, let's hope so.
- Can't we turn it around? - No.
It's 11-nothing at the end of the first inning.
We gotta get through.
- It's Wild West out there.
- You seem pretty relaxed about this.
- We have an advantage.
- What? We know how to make it look like it's your fault.
Here's what it looked like: It's gonna be my screen saver.
Hey, remember what I said before? Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about what? - What I said before.
- When? - You know, about the thing.
And I said one thing and then went back and said no, another thing? - When you said I could go out with Matt? - Jeannie.
- You're going out with Matt? - No.
- I'm not allowed to.
You are.
- You changed your mind? - Yes, so let's drop it now.
- Is it okay for them to go out with Matt? - It's okay for anybody.
If I go out, does it have to be Matt? - Anybody can go out with anybody.
- Alex can go out with Dylan.
- I wasn't listening.
- We can go out if we want.
- Okay.
- I'm not sure how much more I can take.
- I hear that.
- Okay.
What does that mean? - What? - "I hear that.
" - Nothing.
- Sounded like you meant something.
- No.
- Okay.
- Well, we'll just leave it there.
- Okay.
- Go out with him if you want to.
I'm not sure how much I can take.
None of us are sure how much more we can take.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
- Harriet, what I was trying to say was - Sam? - Sit down.
- We gotta get ready for You've got eight and a half minutes and I've got seniority.
Sit down.
"None of us are sure how much more we can take"? I'm not the one who brought it up.
You were.
- And that was a huge mistake on my part.
- We're just not sure why You're not supposed to be in the same room as me.
The season's almost over - What? so I figured - I'd speak.
- You're not sure why what? - Why the two of you aren't just together.
- Well, that makes two of us.
Five of us.
- Shut up.
Going to Hawaii with Claire I'm going to Hawaii with Claire Cause I'm a big, giant-sized stud I'm going to Hawaii with Stephanie.
- Hi.
- You came back.
- Do you have to make a change? Two minutes to Macy Gray.
No, no, I got a minute.
People said you'd break my heart and I listened to them.
I was stupid.
You've been nothing but sweet and genuine with me and never given me any reason to think you were an adolescent hound for whom women are interchangeable dressing mannequins for swimsuits.
Can I come to Hawaii? Yes.
Come here.
I gotta go upstairs and, you know, I gotta Oh! I'll be right back.
- Cal.
- Back from commercial in 60 seconds.
We know where the bomb threat was from.
Where? - The call is coming from within the building.
- What the hell's the matter with you? - The call came from inside the building.
GIANNELLl: A phone at Lost and Found.
They pressed to see the number so they could call the owner but they pressed the wrong button so the last number called came up.
It was the NBS switchboard at the same time as the threat.
- Must have been at the dress rehearsal.
- Phones in a threat then leaves his phone? I don't think we're dealing with a mastermind.
- Do you know who the phone belongs to? - Sure.
Somebody gonna find him, arrest him and ask him if there's a bomb in the building? - We don't have to do that.
- Why? - He's on his way over.
- Why? - Wait.
He's coming to pick up his phone? - Yeah, we called him at his parents' house.
- His parents'? GIANNELLl: That's where he lives.
- How do you know all this? - The FBI is open on Fridays.
- What's his name? - Robbie Clarke.
- Robbie Clarke? - Yeah.
- Robbie Clark al Hussein, or just? - Just Robbie Clarke.
- You'll let me know when Robbie gets here.
- Yeah.
Tight show tonight.
Thank you.
Ready one.
Cue Allison in five, four, three, two Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Macy Gray.
Hey.
- Are the prop guys back yet? - No.
- The cue-card guys? - No.
- Did you find the bomb? - No.
But I'll tell you what, I watch every episode and The West Wing's never been better.
- We've been off the air for a year.
- Loved you on Chicago Hope.
- That was Christine Lahti.
- Not my night.
No.
Claire.
- I didn't even ask where we're going.
- Kona.
The Mauna Lani.
- I love Kona.
- Sorry to hear that.
Why? I was gonna come up with a lie, a good lie, one that showed some respect for you.
- What's going on? - But then I decided, no you gotta be honest with her.
Honest, that's who I am.
And respectful.
What's going on? Stephanie and I got back together.
And she said, "Can I still come to Hawaii with you?" And before I could think to say, "I'm sorry, I've invited someone else," I said, "Sure.
" I hope the fact I'm being honest right now Okay.
And go.
And camera one.
In the past, it was because of our differences.
It was because I was a Christian nutjob or we were together five years without a proposal or he'd decide to have a drink with the entire Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
When you were broken up.
- What? He would go out with other people when you were broken up.
- I'm talking right now.
Okay.
- And one of those people was you.
- Me? Her.
I'm pointing at her.
- When you were broken up.
- I get the point.
What's the reason now? - What? - You said in the past.
- The reason now? Yeah.
- You.
- Me? - All of you.
Company morale.
The show.
He says if a cast member was dating one of the producers, it would create tension.
- I don't think it would.
- I don't think it would.
Well, that's fine, but he thinks it would.
Except I don't really think he does either.
So, what are you saying? Obviously, it's something else.
- They're having their troubles tonight.
- Stephanie.
Allison seems to be taking the brunt of it.
I am so sorry to hear about you and Simon.
Well, as a matter of fact May I be allowed to say one thing to you without being horribly rude? - Of course.
- I think you've misread Simon.
I've gotten to know him over the past year and I think I can tell when he's serious about a girl and when he's just going for a snog.
I know.
You're right.
I'm gonna make it up to him in Hawaii.
No, it's too late.
He's already invited someone else.
- But I am sure when we get back - He invited someone else? - Did he? - You just said that.
No, of course, he didn't invite someone else.
You can't just replace a girlfriend like she's some Oh, Simon? Hey, baby.
When, during the 65 minutes between our break-up and getting back together, did you invite a girl to Hawaii? I didn't invite another What are? Yes, I But you broke up with me, and the bungalow was already - She would have looked nice in a swimsuit.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Bond, I hope you like your martinis strong.
Like my men.
- Pardon me? - Nothing.
- How about a little mood music? - That would be delightful.
All right, well, there's that cue we missed.
Oh, why don't we just skip the mood music? And there are the squibs.
- Excuse me.
Yes? They told me to see you.
I got a call that you have my phone.
- Are you Robbie Clarke? - Yeah.
- Is this your phone? - Yeah.
- You wanna sign for it? - Sign for it? - Procedure.
- Sure.
- You're under arrest.
- What the? Turn around.
Put your hands on the counter there.
Put your head down.
You're under arrest for conveying false information concerning explosives.
- It was a joke.
- Who are you? - I'm his friend.
GIANNELLl: What's your name? - Robby.
- He He's Robbie.
I'm Robby too, but spelled different.
- Were you with him when he made the call? - It was a joke.
- How do you know? - I was with him.
- You're under arrest.
- Come on, man.
Turn around.
Hands on the counter.
Can we determine if there's bomb in the building? - There isn't.
You sure? I swear to God.
I trust him, but why don't we handcuff him to the building overnight? I'll be back in the booth.
Did you have a beef with the sketch? The Mohammed sketch? - No, sir.
- Yeah? Do you even know who Mohammed is? Ali? No, not Muhammad Ali.
- Are our parents gonna find out about this? - Along with the FBI.
You're not gonna fly on a plane for a while, go to college or get a job.
- What the hell were you thinking? - Honestly, sir, honestly I just thought I thought it would be on the news and we'd see it on TV.
- Take them away.
- Why wasn't it on the news? It's Friday night.
- Aren't bomb threats a big deal? - You'd think so, wouldn't you? Forty seconds back.
Just keep it together.
Smile.
Be upbeat.
Nice, polite good nights.
Thank the cast and crew, Macy Gray, Matt and Danny - Thank you.
- Just like that, but nicer.
Okay.
In five, four, three That's our show.
Thanks to the cast and crew.
Thanks to Macy Gray.
Thanks to Danny Tripp and Matt Albie.
All right, you know what, that's it.
I'm supposed to stand here and pretend a German shepherd isn't sniffing me.
The whole night has been a complete disaster.
The prop guys walked out because Danny Tripp is an idiot.
There were no cue cards! I had no cash in my wallet and the machine gun went off a half-hour after I got shot.
Allison.
I turned off your mike after you said, "That's our show.
" Nobody can hear you.
You're just coming off like a madwoman.
I'm turning you on in the control room, if you can hear me, say thank you.
Thank you.
It was a bad show.
Can you hear me? - Yeah, thank you very much.
I mean classically bad.
But it still beats digging a hole for a living, right? Tell me you still didn't have the time of your life tonight.
Thank you.
We're out.
I've been watching all this week and I gotta tell you, I love what I see.
You're back.
Yeah.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
- What do we got? - We have a year-in-review theme.
Is there a sketch you feel you can cut? "Lmmaculate My Ass," "HBO's Ho Ho Ho's" and "Hookers at the Pole.
" The Nicolas Cage Show.
A militant Fruit of the Loom? - I can take that.
- You call me Mongongo.
Dolphin Girl.
He's saying, "Heil Hitler.
" - You're reading too much into it.
- He's giving the Nazi salute.
- Now that you said it, that's all I can see.
- It's all anybody can see.
It's a great studio with an incredible history.
People who've had this stage You like it? Yeah.
Good.
Because we live here now.
This is not the comedy we intended to do when the week began.
Let's go.
Let's go! Right there.
Right there.
Hold it! It's gonna be fine.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Because it sounds like a calamity, Cal.
No, it's fine.
- It's a catastrophe.
- I think it could be fun.
- How? - You'll have a story to tell.
I'll have a story to tell about how I was the guest host of a catastrophic, calamitous calamity? It's gonna be great on the talk shows.
The house is open, you knock them dead, you unbelievable beauty.
- I hate you.
No problem.
Why did I listen to you? - Cal? Cal! Yeah.
Jenny, keep the band playing, okay, until the warm-up.
Yes, sir.
Is it good? Ready? Ha! Ha.
What's going on? You all know what a wildcat strike is.
You don't know what a wildcat All right.
Well, you're about to live through one.
Local 44 of the Propmasters' Union, their contract expires at midnight tonight but our guys decided to walk out early.
- When? Ten minutes ago.
- Our prop guys walked out? - They did.
Well, how are we supposed to do anything? They can't do that.
I can't hear you if you all talk at once.
Why? - Okay, I heard that.
Why? Danny was talking about the contract, got frustrated and said something impolitic that may have been interpreted the wrong way.
What did he say? "You're just prop guys, you're easily replaceable.
" Oh, my mother Why would he do that? So they've decided to test us on that theory.
The house is open.
Crew, take your pre-show positions.
Cast, follow me.
Cal, I shoot a gun in a sketch.
And he shoots it at me.
- Gun will be there.
I'm sure, I just want it to not have bullets.
- I'll aim low.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
As you can see, all of your props are pre-set on the prop table the way they always are.
- We're not crossing a picket line, are we? - Absolutely not.
We're all union guys here, we will not perform the job of a propmaster tonight.
They've been built and painted, been laid out in the exact running order.
You just need to pick them up off this table.
Damn.
If anything you needed just broke go to the prop room and find a suitable substitute.
We have anything you need in the prop room.
Question.
Yeah? - Where's the prop room? - It's behind the voiceover booth.
- They moved it months ago.
- It's left of Tunnel 1.
- Craft service.
- Don't know where your props come from? - They come from the prop guys.
- They're right here on the floor.
- What about the cards? - What? The cue cards.
The cue-card guys belong to the Propmasters' Union.
- Really? - Yes.
Danny's insult was just at the prop guys, the cue-card guys didn't take offense You guys have a good show, and shove these up your ass.
Ahem.
Well, now we got ourselves a ball game.
So do me a favor.
Just so they can get a sound level upstairs, give me a nice round of applause.
I was messing with you.
They don't need a level check.
I like the applause.
Two minutes to cold open.
Two minutes.
Okay, here we go.
Stay with me, baby.
- Allison.
Allison, my friend.
- Cal.
- Will this union thing affect the cue cards? - No.
Cue-card guys are part of the Propmasters' Union.
That's a good union, I'm a union guy.
What was Danny thinking? - People do funny things when hungry.
- What? He's on the phone with the union reps making it better.
I want to break his neck.
The Teamsters out in the parking lot are slashing his tires, if that helps.
- A little.
- In the meantime - It's not gonna affect the cards? - No.
Because I barely know the monologue.
The cards are fine.
Patrick is gonna fit you with an ear wig.
- Why? - So I can talk to you if I need to.
Why would you need to? Timings are funny, may need you to cut something or fill.
Can't Danny just hand-signal me from his chair? I tell you, the lights from the 30's on the low deck are coming in at what's called a photonically-saturating angle.
- Did you just make that up? - No.
Patrick? You've worn one before.
It fits like a hearing aid, got an antenna pokes out the side.
- That's not an antenna.
What is it? - A string to pull it out.
It's got a string to pull it out.
Sixty seconds to cold open, 60 seconds.
Here we go.
Big show, big show! - My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Sorry to hear that.
Eat them up, big show.
- My girlfriend just broke up with me.
- Bummer.
Just now.
Right in my dressing room.
- A dressing-room breakup.
- Yeah.
- Why? - She said she asked around about me.
Uh-oh.
- What does that mean? - That she asked around about you.
What would she find out? Well, what'd she say? She says I'm never with one woman more than a couple of months.
That's why I said, "Uh-oh.
" - Was this Daphne? - No.
- Carla? - No.
- Brenda? - It was Stephanie.
How long have you been with Stephanie? - A couple of months.
- Well It lasted a couple of months because she just broke up with me.
I'm in the cold open.
Have a good show.
Whatever.
Got the script pages right here.
- Thank you.
Water? - In the mug.
Okay.
"Good evening.
" In five, four From Court TV Studios in New York, it's Nancy Grace.
Good evening and welcome to "Scarred Forever: A Special Nancy Grace Investigation.
" I'm Nancy Grace.
A young woman goes in for routine cosmetic surgery an investment in her promising career as a hostess at her local Applebee's.
What happens next is a nightmare.
The surgery botched, her self-esteem butchered like her once-pert breasts.
Her marriage of seven years ended as her husband can't stand the frightening sight of her.
- Stand by.
Her name? Candy.
Let's throw up a picture of Candy before the surgery.
Go.
Seems that the propmasters here at The Nancy Grace Show have put what sure tastes like grain alcohol in my coffee mug.
That's an ugly mistake.
- Tommy.
- Did you see that? - What? - Somebody spiked her water.
It's gonna be a whole night like this.
And Stephanie just broke up with me.
- When? - Five minutes ago.
- Why? - She thinks I'm just playing around not looking for something serious.
- Are you? - I could be.
- She kind of got your number.
- I don't have a number.
I'm not that guy.
- What about Hawaii? - I know.
- We're supposed to fly to Kona.
- I know.
- It can be the three of us.
- That sounds fine.
Fly all the way to Hawaii with you and Lucy and watch you guys have fun? We already paid for a two-bedroom bungalow.
Isn't there anyone hanging out in the green room tonight? This is what I'm talking about.
I'm not a dog.
I thought there were some good-looking women up in the green room tonight.
All right, I'll check it out.
Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
- Go VTR.
With Alex Dwyer.
Harriet Hayes.
Tom Jeter.
Dylan Killington.
Samantha Li.
Simon Stiles.
- Jeannie Whatley.
- Go VTR.
Cal? Hold on.
- It's me, Cal.
GIANNELLl: And me.
I like the looks of this.
Ready two.
- At the commercial break, okay? - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, Allison Janney.
Okay, say thank you right now if you can hear me.
Thank you.
- Good.
You're probably noticing there are no cue cards out there.
Thank you.
What the hell? We don't have cue-card guys, I didn't wanna make you nervous.
Thank you very much.
- I got the script right here if you need us.
- No, you're really too kind.
That's the spirit.
- It's great to be here in New York.
- You're in L.
A.
, Allison.
- In L.
A.
Of course we're in L.
A.
It's great to be here.
I live here.
Far be it for me to brag Not to sound like I'm bragging but tonight is my first time hosting Third.
The third time hosting the show.
It doesn't matter.
- Doing great.
- What matters to do this joke, is that the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live - Studio 60! - Studio 60.
I'm in L.
A.
- Has Allison Janney lost her mind? - I know, it's weird.
The first time I hosted was back when I was doing a Tv show.
- The West Wing.
- I know the name of the show.
I'm talking to There's a thing in my ear.
Seriously, has Allison Janney lost her mind? Hey, Allison, what do you say we dump it? Macy Gray is here.
As a special gift to you on my first Third.
- Third appearance.
I'm gonna skip the monologue and I wanna tell you we have a great show tonight.
Macy Gray is here.
Whoo! So stick around, we'll be right back.
We're out.
I will come up there and kill you.
You did good.
- What do you need? What's going on? Cue-card guys walked out with the prop guys.
- Why'd the prop guys walk? - Danny said something.
- To who? - The prop guys.
- What'd he say? - He said they were replaceable.
- Uh-huh.
- They took umbrage.
- Where is he? - In the parking lot trying some diplomacy.
Who's running the show? - I am.
Where's Matt? Helping the cast write their lines on their hands.
Why? - Cue-card guys walked out The cue-card guys, yeah.
- You guys run a tight ship.
- I got about a minute left.
- Gino.
- We got a bomb threat.
A serious one? We're taking it seriously.
They reference a sketch, someone saw it at the dress.
- What sketch? - "Mohammed, the Thin-Skinned Prophet?" It's a new character for Tom Jeter.
What about dumping the show so we can get out and air the dress? - We can't air the dress.
Why not? We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
You didn't record the color blue at the dress? Yeah, and we also had to interrupt the first music set when a tool belt fell on-stage.
Do we cancel the show? Not yet, let us stay on it.
The audience won't be allowed out of their seats until further notice.
- Okay.
If a bomb goes off after we got a warning know what will happen to our insurance premiums? Yeah, plus people will get hurt.
It would be fundamentally wrong of me to leave the building, get in my car and drive far away.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back to work.
Try to broadcast in the full spectrum of color? Do my best.
- Gonna be a good show tonight? Don't see how.
Okay.
I'm sorry, sir, I don't mean to be pushy but we've been waiting for our car for almost 20 minutes.
Yes, ma'am.
Any chance it'll be brought out anytime? Soon.
Soon? It's a busy night.
- Offer him some money.
- I just paid $ 20 to park the car.
- Does she have the wallet? - Took the wallet off the table, she's fine.
All right.
All right.
- Sir? - Yes.
Do you think our car might get out here any faster if I offered you this? If I offered you this lovely empty wallet which is worth $50.
That wallet? - This wallet.
I can't watch.
That wallet? Yes.
- You broke up with Luke? - I think he broke up with me, but, yeah.
- Why? - The usual reason.
- Matt? - Yeah.
- Gonna go out with Matt again? - No.
- Why? - Usual reason.
- You're both stupid.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Feel free to go out with him.
- Luke? - Matt.
- I'm not going out with Matt.
- You can.
- I'm not.
- I'm just saying you can if you want to.
Thanks.
Don't go out with Matt.
Oh, honey, you really need to pull it together.
I know.
I think it's going okay.
Hey, Tom.
- Good job.
Good job? How about a little help out there? - We covered well, we stayed right with it.
- You stayed right with it.
I had an empty wallet, I ended up offering you my pants.
That's why you're the best, a hall-of-famer.
You're on my list now.
He's on my list.
Start making a list.
Cal and then Tom.
And keep a pen handy.
How's it going? - Oh, the train, she is wrecked.
- Matt's going out of his mind.
- It's live TV, a high-wire act without a net.
- Bodies are going splat.
- I feel like we're gonna rally.
Just get through it.
Tonight's show is the only thing standing between us and Hawaii.
- There's a small Hawaii snag.
- What? - Stephanie broke up with Simon.
- Oh, no.
When? - Right before the show.
- Why? She seems to think that Simon's a womanizer.
She didn't know that before? - It's not true.
- Of course it is.
- He's very serious about his relationships.
I'm heading into the green room.
I'll have a date for Hawaii in three minutes.
Simon, you can't just meet a girl and ask her to go to Hawaii.
Talk to her, would you? Hm? It's an interesting show tonight.
How you gonna do "News 60" without the cards? That one's easy, we just use the script pages.
Danny pissed off the prop guys, huh? Yes.
Yes, he did.
I know you, don't I? I guess not well enough.
Jennifer Schroeder.
Yeah, sure, Jennifer.
The show's a lot better when you watch it from the floor.
- Can I take you there? - Sure.
I can't believe Jeff sent Simon Stiles to take me to the floor.
- Who is Jeff? - My husband.
Head of NBS Legal? That's how I know you.
Yeah, you're gonna have to watch in here.
Okay.
Stiles, am I who you're looking for? - Claire.
- You remember my name.
- Where you been, Claire? - Where have I been? - I tried calling you 50 different ways.
- When? The next morning and then many times after that.
- You are so full of it.
- Oh, you gave me the wrong number.
Sell it somewhere else.
I lost the piece of paper but I remembered all the digits were prime numbers one, three, five, seven, 11.
I had Tom Jeter's brother, a mechanical engineer kick out all the possible combinations and I called them all.
- You're kidding.
- I'm not.
- 818? - 310.
- My area code's 818.
- Obviously, that was my mistake.
- I hear you're dating Stephanie.
- My mistake too.
- Stephanie's great.
- I agree, but she broke up with me.
- Why? - She thinks I'm a womanizer.
- You are.
- I'm not, I'm just good-looking.
- When did you guys break up? - Right before the show.
Okay, it's 35 minutes later and you're trolling the green room for a pair of legs to take to the party.
That's untrue.
I'm trolling the green room for a pair of legs to take to Hawaii.
- You are unbelievable.
- Come with me.
- To Hawaii? No.
- Tomorrow morning.
- Why not? - Self-respect.
- You mean you have some? - Yes.
- You see - Simon.
Look, yes, you caught me.
I came in here looking for anything I could find but I found you.
And I've been looking for you pretty hard.
Do you know how many combinations of seven prime numbers there are? - No, do you? - No, I had an intern do it, but still.
I have to give it to you, you are funny.
We had a great date.
We can just pick right up where we left off.
- Don't think I've heard stories about you? - They're not true.
- Mariah Carey? - That one's true.
- Beyoncé? - That one's true.
Okay.
Those stories are about me and somebody else, not you.
If you don't wanna go to Hawaii, that's fine.
Let's get together and have coffee when I get back.
- When's that? - Tuesday.
I leave for London for two months on Wednesday.
- You do? - Yeah.
Where the hell have you been, Claire? I found you and you're going somewhere Two minutes to "News 60.
" Two minutes.
Two-minute call.
- It was a good date we had.
- It was a great date.
I gotta go.
You really tried calling all the numbers? I really did.
All right.
Take me to Hawaii.
Ninety seconds back.
Ready two, ready three.
VTR standing by with music, animation, graphics.
This is the bomb squad.
GIANNELLl: Take an hour to check the building.
And give us the all-clear when we're saying good night? Yeah.
- Lf you used more dogs, will it go faster? - We've only got five dogs.
- They're all working? Yes.
How many bomb threats are there in a day? About six.
You're kidding.
- No.
Okay, let me ask you this.
First of all, does the dog have to be sniffing me right now? Sit down.
- The German shepherd speaks German? - He only speaks German.
Okay, let me ask you something.
Should we be clearing the building? Nothing has led the police to determine it's a serious threat.
- You've had these.
- Not from a Muslim.
- You don't know the caller was a Muslim.
- We know the sketch.
He said, "Didn't you see what happened after the Danish cartoon?" What's the guy have to do, take a pilgrimage to Mecca? Just let these guys do their jobs, huh? Can you tell us, are you operating any electronic devices in the building? They're fine.
Let's go.
You're taking this in stride.
- I'm pretty drunk.
- Okay.
- Cal? - Yeah.
You've had dead air for about 10 seconds.
Go VTR, go VTR! From Los Angeles, California it's "News 60" with Harriet Hayes and Simon Stiles.
Maxie, I'm telling you, I can't remember the mug's name.
Maybe this will jog your memory.
I guess there's only one thing standing in your way, Maxie.
Guess again, sister.
Uh, FX and Sound, I think you may have missed that cue.
See, I thought you shot me.
It even looked like you did, kid.
We only had another half-page left, anyway: Two minutes back, everyone.
Two minutes back.
What's happening? No sound and your squibs didn't go off.
Yeah, I know.
It's cool.
Cal bailed you out.
Bailing me out would been driving me home and getting me drunk.
Did I look stupid? You can check it out yourself on YouTube in a couple minutes.
Wait till I get my hands on Matt and Danny.
Put them on my list.
- Allison - And put Tom on there twice.
This is live TV.
This isn't your White House show where you get to do it again.
We've been in a slump lately and we had to bottom out.
Every couple years, we have a disaster show.
- I'm hosting the disaster show? God, let's hope so.
- Can't we turn it around? - No.
It's 11-nothing at the end of the first inning.
We gotta get through.
- It's Wild West out there.
- You seem pretty relaxed about this.
- We have an advantage.
- What? We know how to make it look like it's your fault.
Here's what it looked like: It's gonna be my screen saver.
Hey, remember what I said before? Don't worry about it.
- Don't worry about what? - What I said before.
- When? - You know, about the thing.
And I said one thing and then went back and said no, another thing? - When you said I could go out with Matt? - Jeannie.
- You're going out with Matt? - No.
- I'm not allowed to.
You are.
- You changed your mind? - Yes, so let's drop it now.
- Is it okay for them to go out with Matt? - It's okay for anybody.
If I go out, does it have to be Matt? - Anybody can go out with anybody.
- Alex can go out with Dylan.
- I wasn't listening.
- We can go out if we want.
- Okay.
- I'm not sure how much more I can take.
- I hear that.
- Okay.
What does that mean? - What? - "I hear that.
" - Nothing.
- Sounded like you meant something.
- No.
- Okay.
- Well, we'll just leave it there.
- Okay.
- Go out with him if you want to.
I'm not sure how much I can take.
None of us are sure how much more we can take.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
- Harriet, what I was trying to say was - Sam? - Sit down.
- We gotta get ready for You've got eight and a half minutes and I've got seniority.
Sit down.
"None of us are sure how much more we can take"? I'm not the one who brought it up.
You were.
- And that was a huge mistake on my part.
- We're just not sure why You're not supposed to be in the same room as me.
The season's almost over - What? so I figured - I'd speak.
- You're not sure why what? - Why the two of you aren't just together.
- Well, that makes two of us.
Five of us.
- Shut up.
Going to Hawaii with Claire I'm going to Hawaii with Claire Cause I'm a big, giant-sized stud I'm going to Hawaii with Stephanie.
- Hi.
- You came back.
- Do you have to make a change? Two minutes to Macy Gray.
No, no, I got a minute.
People said you'd break my heart and I listened to them.
I was stupid.
You've been nothing but sweet and genuine with me and never given me any reason to think you were an adolescent hound for whom women are interchangeable dressing mannequins for swimsuits.
Can I come to Hawaii? Yes.
Come here.
I gotta go upstairs and, you know, I gotta Oh! I'll be right back.
- Cal.
- Back from commercial in 60 seconds.
We know where the bomb threat was from.
Where? - The call is coming from within the building.
- What the hell's the matter with you? - The call came from inside the building.
GIANNELLl: A phone at Lost and Found.
They pressed to see the number so they could call the owner but they pressed the wrong button so the last number called came up.
It was the NBS switchboard at the same time as the threat.
- Must have been at the dress rehearsal.
- Phones in a threat then leaves his phone? I don't think we're dealing with a mastermind.
- Do you know who the phone belongs to? - Sure.
Somebody gonna find him, arrest him and ask him if there's a bomb in the building? - We don't have to do that.
- Why? - He's on his way over.
- Why? - Wait.
He's coming to pick up his phone? - Yeah, we called him at his parents' house.
- His parents'? GIANNELLl: That's where he lives.
- How do you know all this? - The FBI is open on Fridays.
- What's his name? - Robbie Clarke.
- Robbie Clarke? - Yeah.
- Robbie Clark al Hussein, or just? - Just Robbie Clarke.
- You'll let me know when Robbie gets here.
- Yeah.
Tight show tonight.
Thank you.
Ready one.
Cue Allison in five, four, three, two Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Macy Gray.
Hey.
- Are the prop guys back yet? - No.
- The cue-card guys? - No.
- Did you find the bomb? - No.
But I'll tell you what, I watch every episode and The West Wing's never been better.
- We've been off the air for a year.
- Loved you on Chicago Hope.
- That was Christine Lahti.
- Not my night.
No.
Claire.
- I didn't even ask where we're going.
- Kona.
The Mauna Lani.
- I love Kona.
- Sorry to hear that.
Why? I was gonna come up with a lie, a good lie, one that showed some respect for you.
- What's going on? - But then I decided, no you gotta be honest with her.
Honest, that's who I am.
And respectful.
What's going on? Stephanie and I got back together.
And she said, "Can I still come to Hawaii with you?" And before I could think to say, "I'm sorry, I've invited someone else," I said, "Sure.
" I hope the fact I'm being honest right now Okay.
And go.
And camera one.
In the past, it was because of our differences.
It was because I was a Christian nutjob or we were together five years without a proposal or he'd decide to have a drink with the entire Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
When you were broken up.
- What? He would go out with other people when you were broken up.
- I'm talking right now.
Okay.
- And one of those people was you.
- Me? Her.
I'm pointing at her.
- When you were broken up.
- I get the point.
What's the reason now? - What? - You said in the past.
- The reason now? Yeah.
- You.
- Me? - All of you.
Company morale.
The show.
He says if a cast member was dating one of the producers, it would create tension.
- I don't think it would.
- I don't think it would.
Well, that's fine, but he thinks it would.
Except I don't really think he does either.
So, what are you saying? Obviously, it's something else.
- They're having their troubles tonight.
- Stephanie.
Allison seems to be taking the brunt of it.
I am so sorry to hear about you and Simon.
Well, as a matter of fact May I be allowed to say one thing to you without being horribly rude? - Of course.
- I think you've misread Simon.
I've gotten to know him over the past year and I think I can tell when he's serious about a girl and when he's just going for a snog.
I know.
You're right.
I'm gonna make it up to him in Hawaii.
No, it's too late.
He's already invited someone else.
- But I am sure when we get back - He invited someone else? - Did he? - You just said that.
No, of course, he didn't invite someone else.
You can't just replace a girlfriend like she's some Oh, Simon? Hey, baby.
When, during the 65 minutes between our break-up and getting back together, did you invite a girl to Hawaii? I didn't invite another What are? Yes, I But you broke up with me, and the bungalow was already - She would have looked nice in a swimsuit.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Bond, I hope you like your martinis strong.
Like my men.
- Pardon me? - Nothing.
- How about a little mood music? - That would be delightful.
All right, well, there's that cue we missed.
Oh, why don't we just skip the mood music? And there are the squibs.
- Excuse me.
Yes? They told me to see you.
I got a call that you have my phone.
- Are you Robbie Clarke? - Yeah.
- Is this your phone? - Yeah.
- You wanna sign for it? - Sign for it? - Procedure.
- Sure.
- You're under arrest.
- What the? Turn around.
Put your hands on the counter there.
Put your head down.
You're under arrest for conveying false information concerning explosives.
- It was a joke.
- Who are you? - I'm his friend.
GIANNELLl: What's your name? - Robby.
- He He's Robbie.
I'm Robby too, but spelled different.
- Were you with him when he made the call? - It was a joke.
- How do you know? - I was with him.
- You're under arrest.
- Come on, man.
Turn around.
Hands on the counter.
Can we determine if there's bomb in the building? - There isn't.
You sure? I swear to God.
I trust him, but why don't we handcuff him to the building overnight? I'll be back in the booth.
Did you have a beef with the sketch? The Mohammed sketch? - No, sir.
- Yeah? Do you even know who Mohammed is? Ali? No, not Muhammad Ali.
- Are our parents gonna find out about this? - Along with the FBI.
You're not gonna fly on a plane for a while, go to college or get a job.
- What the hell were you thinking? - Honestly, sir, honestly I just thought I thought it would be on the news and we'd see it on TV.
- Take them away.
- Why wasn't it on the news? It's Friday night.
- Aren't bomb threats a big deal? - You'd think so, wouldn't you? Forty seconds back.
Just keep it together.
Smile.
Be upbeat.
Nice, polite good nights.
Thank the cast and crew, Macy Gray, Matt and Danny - Thank you.
- Just like that, but nicer.
Okay.
In five, four, three That's our show.
Thanks to the cast and crew.
Thanks to Macy Gray.
Thanks to Danny Tripp and Matt Albie.
All right, you know what, that's it.
I'm supposed to stand here and pretend a German shepherd isn't sniffing me.
The whole night has been a complete disaster.
The prop guys walked out because Danny Tripp is an idiot.
There were no cue cards! I had no cash in my wallet and the machine gun went off a half-hour after I got shot.
Allison.
I turned off your mike after you said, "That's our show.
" Nobody can hear you.
You're just coming off like a madwoman.
I'm turning you on in the control room, if you can hear me, say thank you.
Thank you.
It was a bad show.
Can you hear me? - Yeah, thank you very much.
I mean classically bad.
But it still beats digging a hole for a living, right? Tell me you still didn't have the time of your life tonight.
Thank you.
We're out.