The Addams Family (1964) s01e17 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family - Here you are, darling.
- Thank you, my dear.
GOMEZ: Pull! Excellent, my dear.
Let's see if you can do this for me, though.
Okay.
My dear.
Pull! Ole, Ole! I give up, querida mía.
I simply haven't the dexterity to squeeze off shots like that.
Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurch's head? Much safer and less expensive.
These poor steel-tipped arrows haven't a chance against Lurch's head.
Incidentally, darling, does Lurch seem troubled to you? I spoke to him a few moments ago and he didn't even answer me.
Didn't act like he heard me.
- Do you suppose he's ill? - I don't know.
He's been terribly depressed ever since he got that letter from his mother this morning.
Not himself at all.
- How could you tell? - He smiled.
Something has given him a bad turn.
We should find him and get to the root of it.
More.
More.
Oh, gosh, Lurch, give me a turn.
You've been having all the fun.
Lurch, you're relaxing.
That's a relief.
We were worried about you.
He says the rack is the only thing that helps him forget his troubles.
Well, it'll do it every time, but you do have a problem, eh, old man? Now, it's not that bad.
Come on, we'll get you off the rack and we'll talk about it.
Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing a tasty new dish.
Why don't you run along, maybe he'll share it with you.
I could stand a snack.
Selfish! Come on, old man.
Speak up.
Now, Lurch, does it have anything to do with the letter you received from your mother this morning? Why, I should think you'd be pleased that she's going to visit.
We'd love to have her stay with us.
We could put her up in that nice attic room.
- No.
- No? I fibbed.
To your mama? Well, Mr.
Addams and I understand.
We understand about those little white lies that a roaming son writes his mother.
Lurch, that picture of the house that you sent to your mother, you told her it was your house, right? Well, we always think of you as one of the family, Lurch.
- A servant.
- A very good servant.
- I'm a liar.
- And a very good liar.
- Gomez! - Oh, sorry, I got carried away.
Now don't you fret about a thing.
We'll put our heads together and see what we can do to help you.
We'll call a family conference.
Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something.
He has a good head on his shoulders.
Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around.
He has two of them.
I say let's mine the front porch.
I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell.
That always discourages those magazine salesmen.
Not bad, Fester, but why not just wire the doorbell with a few thousand volts? No need to damage the porch.
No, no, darling, that wouldn't be kind.
You let her get all the way to the door and then disappoint her like that.
- Why not have Lurch play dead? - Good thinking.
You think Lurch could be convincing? He looks so alive.
It was a very sweet thought, darling, but that's true.
Lurch is so vivacious.
His most outstanding characteristic.
I have it.
If Mrs.
Lurch thinks that Lurch is a very important, big man and owns this house and everything, why don't we just let her continue to think so? Querida mía.
Leave it to you, with your feminine intuition, - to come up with the correct answer.
- Darling.
Tish, when you pat my cheek it drives me wild.
You Castilians are so fiery.
Yes, Cousin Manuelo was a pyromaniac.
Darling, later, later.
Let's concentrate on Lurch.
Oh, yes.
- Now - Forgive me.
for the few days that Mrs.
Lurch is here, we'll let her think that Lurch is the head of the household, - and we'll be the servants.
- Marvelous.
Do you think I'd make a convincing butler? Darling, I couldn't imagine a subtler butler.
You'll completely captivate Mrs.
Lurch with your savoir-faire.
Tish, when you speak French, you know how it affects me.
Later, mon cher, later, not now.
We have to get this thing settled.
Now, I'll be the maid and Mama will be the cook.
- I will not! - Mama.
My schoolgirl complexion may have graduated, but I'm not gonna get dish-pan hands for anyone.
I'll stay in the cottage till that woman leaves.
Excellent idea, Mama, and you can take the children with you.
Oh, that's a very good idea, dear.
Now, Uncle Fester, - you can be the gardener.
- Forget it.
But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like to potter around in the back yard, maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed? I like the back yard just the way it is.
Bare.
I'm gonna move out in the cottage with the others.
Well, I guess it'll just have to be the two of us.
Darling, we can do it.
Let's go tell Lurch and rehearse our roles.
There you are, madam.
Are you ready for your soup now, sir? Cara bella! Oh, Morticia, you're enchanting.
Thank you, kind sir.
Darling, you make a superb butler.
It gives full play to your courtly Castilian manner.
Oh, Tish, you ravishing creature.
Darling, now, remember our new positions.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- Is Lurch ready for his first lesson? - Yes, he's in the living room now.
Now, remember, darling, one ring is for you, two rings for me.
Yeah.
That's me.
- You rang? - You rang? No, no, Lurch.
You rang.
Oh, no, sir.
You rang for me because I'm your butler.
And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez.
- Now sit down.
- Yes, sir.
Gomez.
Perhaps this will help.
A cigar gives a man that masterful feeling.
Have you ever smoked? You got a couple of bad leaks there, old man.
- You better forget the cigars.
- It's no use.
You can do it, Lurch.
Just concentrate.
Think big.
Think important.
Think that you are master of all you survey.
Think.
That's it.
Splendid, Lurch.
You got it.
Now ring for the maid and demand your breakfast.
You rang? - Telephone, Gomez.
- Yes, sir.
I'll get it, sir.
Please, Lurch.
I answer the phone.
Your evening paper, sir.
No, no, Lurch, not the funnies.
The financial page.
Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.
I like the funnies.
Very good, Lurch.
You actually sounded masterful then.
Now, as far as pinching the maid Perhaps that would be carrying it a bit too far.
But I don't want your mother to become suspicious.
Perhaps you'd better just make eyes at me instead.
Try it, Lurch.
Lurch, as mistress of this house, I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.
Perhaps you'd better just try a devilish smile.
Forget it, Lurch.
I'm just not your type.
- Your Cognac, sir.
- I never drink.
Nonsense.
Gentlemen of quality always have a brandy after dinner.
It's a sign of sophistication and culture.
Well, he just flunked sophistication.
- Morticia.
- Darling, what do you think? Cousin Imar asked me to sew in his college seal.
Princeton.
Beautiful.
Morticia, we've done it.
Lurch just ordered me to shine his shoes.
That's wonderful.
He even reprimanded me this morning.
He said his toast wasn't black enough.
He's completely brainwashed.
The doorbell.
That may be his mama now.
- It's Mama.
- All right.
Now you let me open the door properly, Lurch.
You greet her right here.
- How do you do? - Where's my boy? - There you are! Sonny.
- Mama.
There she goes again.
That's me.
Two rings.
That's me.
Three blasts.
It's an all-out command performance this time.
Let's wait till she makes up her mind.
Sonny, I don't know how you put up with such miserable servants.
They're never around when you want them.
She really is a little cyclone.
Not at all what I expected Lurch's mother to be like.
I haven't sat down since she got here.
What is it, darling? I'm all kinked up from last night, sleeping on the divan.
I miss our nice, big bed.
Well, I suppose she was right in saying that Lurch should have the master bedroom.
After all, she does think he's the master of the house.
Well, at least you slept on Lurch's bed in the attic.
She's really quite insensitive for such a dear little thing.
Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus? Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped.
She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.
That's inhuman.
I rescued them just in time.
Let's call off this whole mad charade.
Oh, darling, please be patient.
It's only for a few more days.
You'd better go to her now before she rings the house down.
Oh, Tish, when you help me with my coat it goes right through me.
- It's impossible.
- What's impossible? That blondes have more fun.
You rang? I don't trust you, Gomez, you've got shifty eyes and no good butler wears a moustache.
Sorry, madam, I was born with it.
Where have you been off to? Some dark corner with that hussy of a maid? Sir, I appeal to you.
You don't appeal to him and you don't appeal to me.
My son is just too sweet and gentle.
People take advantage of him.
You're sloppy and inefficient.
Sir, please tell her.
You're sloppy and inefficient.
Yes, sir.
I'll try to do better, sir.
- What kind of monstrosity is that? - That's Thing, madam.
Well, set a trap for it.
Get it back in that box, nail the lid down.
Yes, madam.
Well, snap to it.
You're living on borrowed time around here.
Mama's going to stay until she gets things straightened out around this place.
Big, important men like her sonny are much too busy to be bothered running a household.
Yes, Mama.
Thing, I'm sorry I had to nail up your favorite box, but you don't realize the spot we're in.
Try to stay Try to stay undercover for the next couple of days, please.
Gomez, darling, I'm afraid we've made a terrible mistake.
Instead of pleasing Lurch's mother all we're doing is making her miserable.
Perhaps, but Lurch certainly is happy.
Do you know he's really beginning to believe that he owns this house? And that we're his servants? Just hold out for a couple of more days and everything will be back to normal.
- Darling, you're so noble and generous.
- That's true.
But, you're every bit as magnanimous, querida mía.
A-ha! - Caught in the act! - Madam, allow us to explain.
No need.
I can see the plot now.
You intend to wheedle Sonny into marriage.
Then you'll do away with him and marry this shameless witch.
- Then you'll both split his fortune.
- Nonsense.
- Gomez wouldn't harm a fly.
- I've read a lot of detective stories and the butler is always the one who does it.
Well, you can forget it all now.
I'm wise to both of you.
You know, the way things are going, her idea isn't bad.
Those people got to go.
I won't leave this house till I see you safely set up with decent help.
- Maybe a raise.
- A raise? - They want all your money.
- They seemed so nice.
Yeah, well, you just call them in and give them their walking papers.
Just call them in and tell them they're fired.
- Now! Quick! Git! - Yes, Mama.
- You rang, sir? - You're fired.
You mean you're dismissing us? You're fired.
Now pack your things and git! Isn't it customary to give two-weeks notice? Not to cutthroats and thieves.
On your way! Scoot! Lurch, do something.
- No, no, I mean, say something.
- Good luck.
- We'll pack our bags at once.
- And leave the silverware.
Good riddance.
And now I'll phone the Employment Agency, and get two good replacements right away.
Yes, Mama.
Why doesn't that woman go home? I don't like living out here.
It's too crowded.
Maybe Morticia's man-eating plant will get her.
You're a dreamer.
I'll get it.
Well, here we are.
One big happy family again.
- Did she leave? - We did.
We've been fired.
We'll just have to move in here with you until she goes home.
But that's ridiculous.
How can you get fired from your own home? That's an interesting question.
We can't all live in here.
It's too crowded now, and that old spitfire will probably stay on for ages.
I won't give up my bed.
I just got the nails nicely broken in.
We really ought to buy another house.
Just for emergencies like this.
I said this whole idea was crazy.
You're both as soft as jellyfish.
Coddling a butler.
Oh, Uncle Fester, you should see how happy Lurch is.
Well, he should see how miserable we are.
I'm going right up to the house and straighten this whole mess out.
And I'll go with you.
- It takes a woman to handle a woman.
- Oh, please, Mama.
Please don't do anything to spoil it now that it's almost over.
Oh, don't worry.
She doesn't know us.
We'll tell her we're the next-door neighbors.
Yeah, we'll tell them what wonderful servants you are, that we've had our eye on you for years.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
And that we want you so much that she'll wanna hire you right back.
Gomez, do you really think she'll take us back? If she does I'm gonna ask for a raise.
- Well, you're very prompt.
- Well, now look, Mrs.
Lurch Well, please, come right in.
You can start at once.
- You don't seem to understand.
- Of course I understand.
You're the new butler and you're the new maid, and I must say you're just perfect.
- Oh, well, that's very kind of you - A real butler.
Such polish, such poise, such a continental manner.
I trust you completely.
Oh, well, that's very generous, you see, but - What's the salary? - Anything you ask.
Price is no object when you demand quality.
- I'll take it.
- Just a minute.
Now, look, you do what you wanna do, but I'm back in a decent house and I'm getting paid for it.
I do hope you'll stay, too.
You're exactly the kind of maid my son needs.
A mature, sensible woman who won't be making eyes at him like the last one did.
Well, maybe I'll try it.
I haven't had a regular income for a long time.
Wonderful! Now I can go back home.
I know my son is in good hands.
Well, goodbye, Sonny.
Goodbye, Mama.
Dear Lurch, you were just marvelous.
I'm sure your mother is very proud of you.
Nice work, old man, you brought it off splendidly.
Where are you two going? It's all over now.
We're going back into the house.
I'm sorry.
Your positions have been filled.
Lurch, please stop playing.
But I love music.
Lurch, we're waiting for you to serve dinner.
Me? Serve dinner? Oh, Lurch, I thought we had you completely unbrainwashed.
Let's try it again.
- You rang? - You rang? Now I'm doing it again.
That was very good, Lurch.
Almost like your old self.
Thank you, Mrs.
Addams.
Now would you please serve dinner? Oh, the poor dear.
This has been a very harrowing experience for him but I do think he's his old self again.
Shall we go into dinner, cara bella? Yes, darling.
Lurch.
You're fired.