The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e17 Episode Script

(male #1)
'Hey!'
Oh, my God! You, you're--
Stuck in a tree.
Down. I gotta.. I gotta get out
of the tree. Here, hold that.
Oh, my God! My Tim Allen tree
finally bore fruit.
No, no, no, no,
I'm, I'm with the group..
Guys from ABC,
we're doing a charity stunt
here in Cleveland.
It's skydiving for the blind
and some big wind
took us way off target.
I just gotta get out of here
before Goodman hits.
John Goodman's on his way down.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Hold on.
Oh wait a second, wait. You-you
gotta do the grunt for me.
- The what?
- The grunt.
You know you gotta do the grunt.
Didn't you hear me grunt
when I hit the tree?
Oh, everybody, I got Tim Allen
stuck to my tree!
Don't-don't call everybody,
look, alright, little boy..
[grunting]
No, it's-it's so wrong. It's
too canine, it goes like this.
[barking]
Do you get a name or anything?
[barking]
Is somebody in charge of you?
[grunting]
Oh! It is!
It is Tim Allen!
Some grown ups, I need
to hop out of the tree
if somebody just
help me out with this.
Can you believe this?
Like take the picture.
What's he doin' on your tree?
I'm pickin' apples, moron.
Get me out of the tree!
Hey, let's whack him
with a stick
see if he's full of candy.
Allen, smile.
Here, wait! Take one with me.
Oh, wait, wait, he tryin'
to stand on my shoulder.
Shouldn't have got that close,
fuzz head.
Boy you seemed so nice on TV.
That's 'cause on TV, I'm not
hangin' by my wing-nuts
now could somebody
get me out of here?
Hey you want autograph,
don't you?
- Do I?
- Oh here we go.
- What's your name?
- Kate.
Kate, hi, Kate. There you go.
Now please show that
to everybody you see today.
Okay.
Hey my name's not
"Call the police."
Are you all cousins?
What am I thinkin' about?
I got a cellular phone.
I'm gonna call the police,
you guys are in a lot of..
- Uh.
- Oh.
Hey, I got
Tim Allen's cellphone.
'Let's see where's
that speed dial.'
Hey, I got Eddie's machine.
Who's Eddie?
Eddie the dog from "Frasier"?
Yeah, that Eddie.
Hey, big guy, either a solar
eclipse is startin' or
that's John Goodman.
Incoming! Oh!
Goodman! Head towards the house!
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't loose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
And then the little boy's
shoelaces got caught
in the escalator
and he was sucked and squished
and that's why we have
the memorial down by Housewares.
- Cover your ears.
- Again?
Just one more time.
God, these voices
are drivin' me crazy!
Hey, uh, I had another dream
about you last night.
The one where I've got
your dad's head
in your mother's body?
No! You wearin' this
little tube top and
these little short shorts
and I was screamin' at you
'cause you're blockin'
my view at Teri Hatcher.
That is so weird,
I had the same dream.
Oh, yeah, how do I look
in the tube top?
- Pretty hot.
- Hmm.
But you could've used a few
extra inches on the shorts.
[laughs]
Hey, you're not supposed
to be listening.
I can't help it.
It's so cute.
It is so silly, I don't see
why someone from management
can't have a private
conversation
with a regular employee?
Nobody knows we're seeing
each other in secret.
You know, I wouldn't asked Kate
to walk with this every time
we talk, if these vultures
weren't just waitin'
for some excuse to gossip.
By the way word is
that you two are lesbians?
Either way,
I'm getting more than you.
So what you're sayin'
Mr. Carey is we'll never
have a normal relationship?
We have a normal relationship.
We just can't go out
in public or see each other.
I need more.
Gift horse, gift horse,
gift horse.
What are you sayin', that I
don't appreciate what I've got?
No, I'm sayin'
if I give you a horse
will you
quit talkin' about this?
So, I guess this means
we won't be havin' sex
in the elevator anytime soon.
Well, uh, if you pretend
you're choked
and I could give you
the Heimlich for about an hour.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go have me
a chicken sandwich.
Hope it goes down okay.
[coughs]
Man! Sure hope my baby chokes.
Incoming paper work.
Bend over. I'll file it.
Say what you want,
Mimi, as long as I get
the gaze at you longingly.
Oh, please just picture me
in some sexist fantasy
like you do with all
the women in the store.
Yeah, you're right,
well, excuse me I'm gonna go
put up my mind's eye.
Hi, Drew. Nice outfit, Mimi.
Only dogs can
hear those colors.
I'm sorry I'd love to let you
just walk in, Suzie
but Mr. Bell's on the phone.
But Jerry called and said
come right up.
Why am I explaining this to you?
I sleep with him,
you don't, move.
Just let me check real
quick, okay? Thanks.
So, uh, Suzie, how are things
over at Jewelry?
Well, a little slow
since I learned
there's a camera overhead.
Yeah.
Mr. Bell will do you,
oh, I mean see you now.
[coughs]
He's seein' her
in the middle of the day
you think he'll be worried
about appearances?
Not this time.
Khi-khi-khi..
(Suzie)
'What do you mean
you're lettin' me go?'
'You can't fire me.'
He's firin' Suzie.
Oh, my God! Why?
Mrs. Louder found out that
Mr. Bell's panty budget
suspiciously doubled.
Here's his new decree.
Blah.
"It's now written policy that
"dating between management
and any regular employee
"is forbidden and cause
for immediate dismissal
"of both parties
without benefits.
"Of course in accordance
of pending State legislation
this will not apply
to homosexual couples."
I've never seen Bell so angry.
I guess if he's not gettin' any,
nobody's gettin' any.
Yeah, but, immediate dismissal,
no-no-no benefits
no discussion, no nothing?
- It's not fair.
- Oh, yeah, says you, pig.
And the best part's gonna be
when you finally get caught
for doin' this, 'cause
I'm gonna laugh my butt off.
That's a lot of laughin', Mimi.
[instrumental music]
Alright, here it is.
You shouldn't get this
to Florida in a hurry
I don't wanna miss
my mom's birthday.
Well, there's three different
ways you can ship those.
Tomorrow, there's next day
and there's overnight.
Well, what's the difference?
Thirty, forty and fifty bucks.
No, I mean what's
the difference in service?
Well, when you want it
to get there?
- Tomorrow.
- Then you want overnight.
What's wrong with tomorrow?
Well, there's no guarantee
it'll get there tomorrow.
- Well, what about next day?
- That could take a week.
Look all I wanna do is
get it there tomorrow
the fastest way possible.
In that case I'll drop it off
at the post office
on the way to work.
Hey, Lewis, workin' late?
No, I was signing up
for a Drug Co. testing program.
They're doin', uh,
medical trials on a new drug.
Pays pretty good.
They test drugs on employees?
Yeah they use to do it on rats
but they kept exploding.
"Gee, doc, are there any side
effects to this new drug?"
"Well just a one, kaboom!"
Hey, I'm on in on this. What
kind of drugs are they testin'?
Smart drugs.
They got drugs that make you
smarter, what do they do?
Well, our friend Oswald
is stumbled on to a complex
question here,
what is intelligence?
Well, stop finding out
the rats explode
and go
"Hey, where do I sign up?"
Okay you're in. I'll put
you on the list tomorrow.
Lewis, why do you take up three
spaces in the driveway, moron.
Not for long.
We're gonna be smart.
Hey, where's Lisa? I thought
we're all goin' to the Warsaw?
I told her I'd meet
her tomorrow.
Man, if I'm not careful
she's gonna stop seein' me
altogether.
I don't know what to do?
You know, I can't even
sneak around anymore.
Maybe you need somebody
to pretend to be her date
while you guys go out together.
You know like a decoy.
That's an idea.
Hey, Kate, how 'bout you?
Everybody at work knows
we're just friends
and everybody else thinks
you're a lesbian.
Thanks but I hardly get
to see Jay enough as it is.
Hey, about if I go
and if anybody asks
I'll just say
I'm on a date with Lisa.
But, Jay, sweetie,
we haven't been goin' out
that long ourselves.
Come on, if we don't help
Drew can't go out at all.
Yeah. Then Drew can't
go out at all.
Look, Kate,
I'm makin' the face?
But Kate doesn't care
about the face.
Or maybe Kate will like a visit
from Tantrum Boy.
Not Tantrum Boy.
We'll double.
Alright. So many things
I wanna do with Lisa, man.
I wanna go to the movies,
I wanna go bowlin'
I wanna go dancin'..
Hey, you can do
the whole thing at
the Bowli-cine-dance-rama-dome.
Oh, wait that's not
my thought of during
the last drug testing program.
Oh, that's right that was right
before you lost your hair
and right after
you started lactating.
Drew, for the last two weeks
we've been all over this town
with Kate and Jay and no one
from work has seen us.
Don't you think it's safe
for me to sit up front now?
Are you kidding?
There's lot of people from work
who drive along
this drainage ditch.
You know, the Garlic Festival
was fun the first day
and the third day was okay..
[burping]
but the forth day..
Can we open some windows?
What if we just open
the door and just fall out?
Tuck and roll, honey.
Come on!
We're havin' a good time.
Yeah, I wish we could
stay out all night.
Hey, hey, you missed right turn.
I wanna go home.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You guys have been
so great about goin' out with us
and here we are takin'
advantage of your good natures.
You two need some
time alone, huh?
I'll tell you what, when we
pull up to the next stop sign
Lisa and I will turn
our heads and then
you two can do
whatever you want.
'We're almost there.'
I'd kill you before
I let you out of this car.
Now try it.
- Hey, guys, how's it goin'?
- Huh?
I see the smart pills
are finally workin'.
So, Drew,
how's the double datin' goin'?
Lisa couldn't be happier,
it's like
'we're finally a normal couple.'
And Kate
is bein' a such a good sport.
She's stopped bangin' on the
trunk after about five minutes.
Oh, Drew, this may just be
the smart drugs talkin', but
E equals M-C square.
Whoa! They kicked in.
Let's go to a bar where
the smart women hang out.
T-G-I-P-H-D.
Let's go to the car.
Where is the car?
They gonna be drivin'
around all night lookin'
for a place called
"Live Nude Intelligent Girls".
[laughing]
Hey, uh, can we sit
to, uh, next to you?
Well sure.
Do you mind..
- Oh, you wanna switch with me?
- Okay, I'll go.
Hey! Hi, baby.
Yeah, but now
I'm far away from Jay.
Oh, honey, the further away you
get, the more beautiful you are.
Oh, crap,
I lost points on that one.
Uh-oh! Mimi
at four and five o'clock.
Well, well, well,
Drew gets caught red handed
with his little
company love slave.
This must be my lucky day.
It is, you're fittin'
in that outfit.
Yeah, Mr. Bell told me
to be on the lookout
for the sleazy kind of behavior.
You're toast, Carey.
Hey, you think so, huh?
Just so happens
I'm with my pal, Kate
'and Lisa's out with
her boyfriend, Jay.'
That's right.
Oh, yeah?
Well, if you two are boyfriend
and girlfriend
let me see you kiss.
They can't!
Why not?
Jay's Amish.
Oh, I've kissed tons of Amish.
Kiss!
Oh, please it's like
your grandma kisses you.
Not my grandma.
One minute I'll be sayin'
"Hello" and next minute
be all tongue and polygrip.
That's it. I'm gonna go
call Mr. Bell right now.
Wait!
[squeals]
How's that?
(Mimi)
'Well, maybe
I was a little hasty.'
I don't know why Lisa
would wanna be with a loser
like Drew, anyway.
No man's worth givin'
up a job for
that's why I don't date at work.
Alright, why won't the other
two and a half billion
men go out with you?
Eh, you're just fat.
Since when did
the Amish give tongue?
I did nothin'.
Do you have to hit me
on the same spot every time?
He didn't do anything,
Kate and I was just
tryin' to save Drew's job.
How? By tryin' to lick
the dinner out of his stomach?
Come on, Kate,
she didn't mean anythin' by it.
I'm sure Jay didn't
even like it.
Jay stand up and prove it.
I should warn you I'm Italian.
You know, this whole stupid
double dating thing
was a lousy idea.
My boyfriend is not
datin' your girlfriend anymore.
Man, who'd ever thought
that I have my girlfriend
date my best friend's
boyfriend so I can go out
with my best friend
to see my girlfriend
would end up being
so complicated?
[instrumental music]
Kate?
I really need to talk to you.
(Kate)
'Go away.
I'm writing something.'
'What's your phone number?'
- 5-5-5-0-1-9-8.
- 'Thanks.'
(Kate)
'Hey, that's my number.'
Look, I wasn't tryin'
to steal your boyfriend.
I just had to act fast
and I wasn't thinkin'.
Oh, oh, you think
you could steal my boyfriend?
You think I'm just gonna lose
my head and let you step in?
I'm a little cooler than that.
Uh, you should be 'cause
your butt's hangin' out.
- What?
- 'Uh-huh.'
Whoa!
Kate? Kate, can I talk to you?
Hey it's the ladies' room,
you big slut, get out.
I haven't been called
that since the service.
I love you.
You cannot be so
insecure to think that
that kiss actually
meant something.
No, if I was insecure somebody
would have told me about it.
I'm pretty sure, right?
Has anyone said anything to you?
Then what are you
so angry about?
I'm angry because I hate that
bastard, I never get to see him.
And I love him.
It's the double datin'.
This is all our fault.
But it's the only way Drew
and I could see each other.
I know. I know.
I just got crazy.
You-you probably don't know this
I've got this really bad temper.
It's okay.
Oh, look, um, I didn't just
come here to apologize..
- Yeah.
- Right. Okay.
(Lisa)
'Hey, you spelled
my name wrong.'
'And, by the way, uh, my head
couldn't fit up there.'
Boy, they've been in there
a long time.
Oh, Kate's just
blowin' off steam.
I've seen her
get worked up over something.
Next thing you know, she's fine.
Either that or she stabs you
in your sleep.
She gets jealous damn easy,
I mean, not like Lisa.
Yeah, Lisa's pretty secure.
Why wouldn't she be, huh?
She's, uh, good lookin'.
She 's smart, she's funny.
Doesn't hurt that
she's a good kisser, huh?
Well, you know I couldn't say
that in front of Kate.
Say what?
That she was a terrific kisser.
Arlene Soderquist.
- What?
- Arlene Soderquist.
This is Arlene Soderquist
all over again.
Alright, hold on, which of the
Soderquist sisters was she?
Because there's one
of them I did not date.
No, not that one,
she was the real cute one
I would've gone out
with if it wasn't for you.
All the sisters were cute
except for the unibrow.
Don't play innocent.
It took me almost three years to
work up the nerve to ask her out
when I was almost
ready to do it
you waltz in there with
your members only jacket
and your Sassoon jeans.
You're crazy. I didn't know
you wanted to ask her out.
I can't read your mind.
Can't read my mind, huh?
What I'm thinkin' now?
Oh, you should be
thinkin' you're nuts.
Come on, Drew, there's no way
you can finish any
fight that you start with me.
No, I'll tell you what
I'm thinkin', pretty boy.
I'm thinkin' I'm a guy whose
girlfriend's been kissed
he's darn near mad
as heck about it.
Well, hey, maybe if you
took her out in public
none of this would
have ever happened.
Alright, that's it.
Good news.
We-we worked everything out.
We didn't.
Alright, you wanna do this?
Fine, fine, I'll do this.
It's only gonna take a minute.
I'm ready.
Oh, stop it!
I hate to see guys fight
with there clothes on.
What is with you two?
We were just talkin'
and Drew went crazy.
Crazy? I've never been
more lucid in my life.
In fact that's a first time
I've ever used "lucid"
correctly in a sentence.
I'm doin' this for Arlene.
I'm doin' this
for all the Arlenes.
Alright! Let's go home.
Fine, I don't wanna be anywhere
near this study hall stud.
Wait someone from work
might still be here.
You two go on hold hands,
but don't enjoy it.
Kate. You remember
Arlene Soderquist?
Arlene Easy Soderquist?
The girl that went out
with every guy in school?
No, I must've meant
somebody else.
You said what?
Yeah, I know I can't believe it.
What an idiot I am, I almost
beat up Jay and humiliated him
in front of everybody
at the Warsaw.
Ooh! That was close.
What was your plan,
tire him out by letting him
beat the crap out of you?
You know, I've never been upset
with a friend over women before.
I've been upset over woman with
a friend and once with a man
about a dog, and once with
a dog about a burger.
That's how I got this. But never
with a friend over a women.
Drew, we stopped takin' the
smart pills, what're you sayin'?
I'm sayin' I-I'm still
crazy about Lisa
and I can't think
of any other way to see her
unless you guys have any ideas?
- Uh..
- Uh..
Gave you guys sugar pills, huh?
Oh, I got cavity.
Poor guy, that rat chased him
around the maze for an hour.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, Drew,
you wanted to see us?
Yeah. You guys still hate me?
- Yeah. Uh-huh, Yeah.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Look, Jay, I'm sorry about
the other night, I just..
Guess it was just
20 years of frustration
about that Arlene thing.
I should have confronted
you then
before you started workin' out.
It's okay, man. I understand.
Oh, you guys deserve some
time together, I mean..
somebody should be happy
even if Lisa and I can't.
[sobbing]
Wait a minute.
It's not the face.
It's not Tantrum Boy.
It's, it's..
It's the guy I say "no" to.
No!
I should've used
big sweaty hug guy.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, ready for lunch?
Yeah, only just wrap
up a couple of things
and I'll be right with you.
Lasiandra could you send in
those five employees
I asked for?
Thank you.
I want you guys just
run to the restaurant.
I'll catch with you.
Hey, let's get
something soft to eat.
My cavity is hurtin' and neurons
firing through my cerebral
cortex like electrons
through a linear accelerator.
- What was that?
- I said let's get yogurt.
Oh. For a minute I thought
you said something smart.
Are they still using
linear accelerators?
Actually most particle
accelerators are circular.
Don't you mean elliptical?
Uh, but aren't
all circles ellipses?
- Oh.
- Oh.
Where's the car?
[clears throat]
I suppose you're wondering
what official company business
I've called you all in here for?
Uh, Cindy,
you're doin' a great job.
You too. You too. You too.
Robins, I need to have
a little talk with you
concerning the store mannequins
and their genitalia.
[clears throat]
[laughs]
Nice cover, Drew.
But, uh, aren't you
afraid that Mimi could drop
from the ceiling or something?
Actually I told her
there was a Snickers bar
about to fall of the top shelf
of the candy machine.
What she doesn't know
is that I glued it there.
[laughs]
So, what do we do now?
I'm sure we'll figure out
somethin' else.
Are you kidding?
It took us months to come up
with this lame plan.
Come on, it's--
I'm tired of hiding
all the time, Drew.
Come on, it'll be okay.
And these genitalia
are just much too realistic.
You'll have to use sand paper.
I'm sorry, either we throw
caution to the wind
and start having
real relationship
or we stop seeing each other
altogether.
I know what I want.
So now it's up to you.
Yeah, but I love you..
Cleveland, what a town, huh?
We need a new candy machine.
Goodman! Can you hear me?
There's some wackos
in this house.
[grunting]
Johnny!
Theya pool table
in the yard. Oh, yeah.
There's a guy with a flat top
like Curly's twin.
Don't get him out of the house.
[chuckles]