The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e17 Episode Script
Low Expectations
1 [Music plays on TV.]
Eddie, you got something from a novelty company? Ooh! My X-ray specs.
I hurt my hand.
I just want to make sure it isn't broken.
Anything for me from the Super Sugar Crisp people? No, just a postcard from Tony the Tiger.
He says he's grrrrravely ill.
Gonna guess diabetes.
WILLIAM: I wouldn't get my hopes up.
A million kids sent in a box-top for that contest.
You also had to write an essay "Why I Deserve To Appear On 'The Partridge Family'.
" I spent the first 19 pages crapping on "The Brady Bunch.
" No love lost there.
It's "Munsters" versus "Addams Family" all over again.
But you like "The Brady Bunch.
" And if they have a contest, I'll crap on "The Partridge Family.
" It's called show business, not show friendship.
It's all covered in my essay.
Don't expect rock 'n' rollers like the Partridges to get back to you in a timely fashion.
"Come On Get Happy!" [Laughs.]
We all know how they get happy.
- Marijuana cigarettes.
- I got it.
Your father and I are leaving.
But, don't worry.
It's not the big one yet.
We'll be back.
- William, keep an eye on the baby.
- Right-ee-o.
I'm taking your mother for her driving test, so stay off the streets and sidewalks.
- [Laughs.]
- In fact, just to be safe, you might want to hide indoors.
[Laughter.]
I rehearsed the "streets and sidewalk" part.
The The "hide indoors," that that just hit me.
The way Mom would with a car.
With these on, I can look through walls and see if she's coming.
[Laughter.]
Did you see that coming? All my boys are so funny.
Look out, Bob Hope! Why? Are you driving near his house? - [Stifled laughter.]
- Knock it off! It's rude to joke about the very real danger of Mom's driving.
It's not worth the risk, Mom.
I want us to grow old together.
Suddenly, a trip through the windshield doesn't sound so bad.
[Laughter.]
ADULT TIMMY: Weeks had passed since I'd entered the "Partridge Family" contest.
I started to accept reality my essay obviously got lost in the mail.
I decided to deliver it myself.
Hey, chief.
Working hard or hardly working? - How's the wife? - Mean as a snake.
Wait a second! You're not someone I share cheap shots at my wife with.
What are you trying to pull? I just have to go drop something off at the "Partridge Family" offices.
And are the "Partridge" people expecting you? I'm exactly what they're not expecting, and that's what makes me pop.
Oh, pop? Don't pop.
That's not how we do things around here.
It's called show business, not show surprises! Eh, "Partridge" auditions are next week.
No, I'm here for the Super Sugar Crisp contest.
Oh, that's over.
They hired some kid with a plate in his head for the publicity.
Nice kid, though.
He let us throw refrigerator magnets at him.
Wait, you said something about another audition? They're replacing one of the kids.
And word on the fake New York street is they're replacing Danny Bonaduce, "The Duce.
" "The Duce"? Oh, that's what we're contractually required to call him.
But I believe they've had enough of his reign of terror! You know, that guy once threw apple juice at me.
Throwing apple juice? I've got to get into this audition! - [Thud.]
- Oof! Really drilled that squirrel.
It's actually safer than swerving to avoid them.
You're doing quite well.
Tell that to my husband.
He's very ignorant when it comes to women drivers.
We all know the real problem is these "guests" from other countries.
Last vehicle they drove was a yak or a magic carpet.
O kay.
Uh, so, now make a left here.
Oh, no, thank you, Ron.
You just tell me where you want to go, I'll get you there some other way.
Oh, left turns are part of the test.
[Sighs.]
Stop at the intersection and then proceed when safe.
[Turn signal clicking.]
"When safe.
" You know what's safe, Ron? Going right.
- [Horns honking.]
- Go now, 'cause it's yellow.
Yellow means danger.
We're just gonna go straight.
- [Tires squeal.]
- Oh! Okay.
- That was a big failure back there.
- [Sighs.]
Fine, fine.
Just take a couple points off.
Then we can drive around, I'll hit a few squirrels, and we'll push that grade back up.
I'm a shoo-in to be the new Danny.
I mean, I've got the talent, plus the red hair.
Plus, I've built relationships on the show.
Look.
"Love, Susan Dey.
" Yeah.
It's her real name intimate.
Won't that be weird for you when you have to play brother and sister? Okay.
I think we're both professionals.
Hold my Clackers.
I'm going outside to play on the monkey bars.
I hope the monkeys show up this time.
[Sighs.]
Pat has clacked himself in the head one too many times.
Is that Laurie Partridge? Do you know her? They have an ongoing intimate correspondence.
And it looks like I may be joining the show.
- On television? - We're not talking dinner theater.
Jinkies! What is David Cassidy really like? Describe him slowly, starting with his lips.
TIMMY: They're good people over there.
You know, a set becomes like a family.
Though I hadn't even scheduled an audition yet, I decided to get some early buzz going.
Joey also saw an opportunity.
Anybody wanna pay 3 bucks for this rare, one-of-a-kind picture? I'll buy it for $2.
It's called show business, not show discount, sweetie.
Who's got three simoleons? I'll take it.
Thank you.
Could you sign my Pee Chee folder? I also have Chris Partridge's Clackers, as seen in an episode.
I loved that episode! What's your name? Danny, how about it, huh? You ready to rehearse with us or not? Oh, sure, Keith.
I'm really ready to rehearse the music.
I should learn how to play the bass for my audition.
I could give you some pointers.
It's gonna be tough replacing an icon like Danny Bonaduce.
When they see my interpretation of the role, they'll be calling him Danny Bona-who?-chee.
You better hope that show has writers.
That Ron character was completely unreasonable.
What's so important about left turns? Well, as far as turns go, it's one of The Big Two.
Failing a test is nothing to be embarrassed about.
I fail at stuff all the time and still feel good about myself.
- Well, you shouldn't.
- PEGGY: I made it clear.
I simply wanted a "no left turn" license, like all the celebrities have.
I don't think that's a real thing.
They have special licenses for taxicabs and tractors.
That Oscar Mayer Wienermobile no one's making a left in the wiener.
FRANK: I'm on your side, Mom.
It's totally unfair to expect a woman to have the same ability with machines as a man.
That's just science.
Mom's good with lots of machines, like the washing machine and the stove.
Yeah, but those don't put people's lives in peril.
There was that time she served us those clams she scraped off the posts from under the Santa Monica Pier.
- [Scoffs.]
- We all knew going in free shellfish was not without risk.
There was nothing wrong with those clams.
You kids brought something home from school.
I got real hot, and then I could hear colors.
I liked it! Thank you, Pat.
Think we owe ourselves a beach day.
You'll take that test again, Peg.
I'll tutor you on left turns.
We can go to the graveyard [Chuckling.]
so you can't hurt anyone.
- [Laughter.]
- I don't need any help from you Burns and Schreibers.
I'll practice with my good friend Helen Portollo, and she can take me to the test.
You hate your good friend Helen Portollo.
At least she's not a cackling jackanape.
Plus, she and Steven are having martial problems, so if I don't pass, I'll have that to cheer me up.
But my mom chose Helen for an entirely different reason.
She didn't just ask Helen to take her to the driving test.
She asked Helen to take the driving test for her.
[Whispering.]
Psst.
What do I say is your weight? [Whispering.]
Just put down your weight and subtract 20 pounds.
Use my age, not yours.
I don't want to have to take this test again in six months.
Helen had no problem making left turns.
In fact, my mom was with her when she left-turned up her driveway and right over her husband's golf clubs.
So Helen had no choice but to help.
Any chance you remember your actual hair color? It's gonna be you in the picture, so whatever that is.
Scarecrow Number Nine? [Scoffs.]
[Camera whirring.]
MAN: Smile, Mrs.
Cleary.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
This one goes to Cathy with a "C," "XOXO, David Cassidy.
" And throw in an extra "XO" because daddy likey Cathy with a "C.
" I feel like we're crossing a line here.
Oh, unbunch your panties.
It's Hollywood.
We're selling dreams.
We're selling hair you clipped off Eddie and Lawrence while they were sleeping.
While they were dreaming.
It's probably against the law.
William these are the precious days of our youth, when we can't be tried as adults.
Cherish this fragile time, because it'll be gone in a blink.
I have been trying for weeks, and I can't get into that audition for "The Partridge Family.
" Aren't you supposed to have an agent for that stuff? My agent bugs them every day.
I told them you're a pisher with the punim of a star, but they're meshuggah over there.
I I'm gonna have to go down to the studio and talk to someone in casting.
While you're there, bring home a few trinkets a gum wrapper from Shirley Jones, David Cassidy's comb.
Or, if the situation presents itself, hot-wire that crazy bus.
I can't steal from future co-stars.
Acting exists within a cocoon of trust.
It's called show business, not show ripping-people-off.
Hey, Joey, what's up with the hair? Just making wigs for sick children.
It's a program I call "Joey Cares.
" You jerk! You cut a big clump off my head while I was sleeping! All donations to "Joey Cares" are tax-deductible.
You cut my hair again and Joey will hurt.
And no one will care.
That's not the worst of it.
He is peddling this junk to little school kids on playgrounds.
You seem to know a lot about my activities.
In the still of the night, I walk the house for both knowledge and security.
Maybe I should move out.
Mock if you want, but it's a small price to pay to see Mom smile.
That's right she smiles! [Inhales deeply.]
But only in her sleep.
Take me with you.
Once I finish this sandwich, you and I are returning the money you took from those little girls.
The only reason we're not leaving right now is I'm racing the expiration date on this bologna.
And you're giving back every dirty penny.
Can you please point your weasel face at somebody else? Buddy, this weasel face is the best friend you've got right now.
I don't know how long I can keep this guy from losing it.
- Shut up, Frank.
- Hoh hoh! There's a little taste right there.
You don't have to take Joey to return the money, Mike.
Let another licensed driver have the pleasure of shaming our child.
Look at you, Mom! There's your 4:00 A.
M.
smile.
Congratulations.
Let me see.
No, no.
My good friend Helen gets to see this first.
In a way, it's as much hers as it is mine.
If the picture looks anything like you, Mom, it's stunning.
- MIKE: Sorry, son.
She's taken.
- [Peggy and Frank chuckle.]
Honey, I'm proud of you.
Oh, well, save your pride.
Joey, let's go.
Frank, you too.
You can watch your brother apologize to girls.
It's a skill you're gonna need.
TIMMY: His name is Boris.
So just get him talking and facing that direction.
I'll slip past and go find the casting people.
- Just go.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.
["I Think I Love You" plays.]
I was sleeping, and right in the middle of a good dream Like all at once, I wake up From something that keeps knocking at my brain Before I go insane, I hold my pillow to my head And spring up in my bed Screaming out the words I dread "I think I love you" I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for Though it worries me to say that I never felt this way Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaah! - [Thud, clatter.]
- No! Where are you going? Seize him! [Indistinct shouting.]
Timmy! Are Are you okay? TIMMY: [Echoing.]
Not really.
Timmy fell down a hole! Get Lassie! Stage 5! PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for I think I love you Isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say that I've never felt this way [Static, radio tuning.]
Stop monkeying with that radio! How I miss the gentle art of a conversation.
You know who doesn't miss it? People you're talking to.
- [Siren wailing.]
- What on Earth? Fuzz on your tail, Mom.
I smell bacon.
This is what's wrong with America police hassling innocent citizens while the Manson Family is out there stabbing folks willy-nilly.
This picture isn't you, ma'am.
Don't be silly.
I mean, it's not the most flattering portrait, but I'd been up all night and was recently punched in the face by one of those boxing kangaroos.
You gave as good as you got, Mom.
My sons can vouch that that's me.
Right, Frank? Well, Officer-of-the-law, my mom says it's her, so I'm sorry.
It's all going black.
I'm gonna confiscate this license.
Do you need me to call your husband - so he can come and get you? - [Sighs.]
I doubt you'll be able to reach him.
Today's his day in the hot air balloon.
My son Frank will drive us home.
- I'm in no fit state.
- [Groans.]
I've got this, Officer.
Okay.
You drive safely, now, Dr.
Reauchamp.
[Sighs.]
Not a word to your father about that pushy policeman taking my license.
I'm talking to you, Frank.
I know we can count on Dr.
Reauchamp to lie.
[Door opens.]
What in the blue blazes did you do to yourself?! He fell off a wall and straight down a manhole.
Kid can't even fall off a wall normal.
'Course you had to be wearing your new Towncraft from JCPenney.
Where's the sleeve? Doctor couldn't save it.
He did all he could.
Ohh.
Go to your room.
And if you start vomiting, steer it away from that shirt.
It's going back to Penney's in the morning.
Our outing was uneventful.
We gave money to little girls in exchange for hair and underwear.
Right, Frank? Am I leaving anything out? Everything fine.
Not lying.
There you are.
Well, let's be fair, Mom.
There was a teensy bit of lying.
I mean, you lied to that cop who stopped us.
What cop? - Oh.
The man pulled me over to flirt.
- [Chuckles.]
You signed up for that when you married me.
And you lied about it being your picture on your license.
And you lied to the DMV when you had Helen Portollo take your test for you.
And then you told me and Frank to lie to Dad about it.
Whew! That pretty much covers all Mom's lies.
Anyways, how was hot air ballooning today, Pop? This is a new low, young man.
Blatantly disobeying me when I specifically told you to lie to your father! How can we trust a word he says? What do you have to say? Uh Jo Mo Mom good, Joey bad.
Go out back and pull weeds until your father and I can come up with an even worse punishment! - Geez! - [Door opens.]
Makes you wonder where we failed.
[Door closes.]
Helen took your driving test for you? At this point, are you surprised by anything that woman does? What's really troubling is these kids.
You told them to lie to me.
What kind of moral example is that? An excellent one, apparently, since Joey told the truth under tremendous pressure not to, unlike weak-kneed Frank here.
But you were the one who did something wrong.
Nice try.
You had your chance to rat me out, and you blew it.
Don't glom onto Joey's coattails now that he's out there pulling weeds for doing what's right! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! I am.
I-I should be pulling weeds, too.
Go ahead! If he'll let you.
I wouldn't.
But, then, Joey's a better person than all of us! And I'm not even counting the work he does for the "Joey Cares" foundation! [Sobbing.]
[Door opens, closes.]
That was a tricky one.
But think we got to the other side of it.
You drove with a fake license.
What if something happened? We could lose the house not to mention whatever house you drove into.
[Chuckles.]
There you go again, undermining me with your little jokes.
It's no wonder I get nervous driving.
Huh? I-I start turning left into traffic, and all I can think about is you and the boys having a gas and a giggle at poor old Peggy.
- Come on.
I di - It's a lot harder to have faith in yourself when your own family doesn't believe in you.
Driving is new and scary for me, Mike.
But go ahead yuk it up! - [Andy crying.]
- I won't get a license! The squirrels are safe once again! [Shudders.]
Well, the "Partridge Family" casting guy called.
He finally finished listening to your dozens of phone messages.
Yeah, I used different accents to showcase my range.
He offered an audition time for later.
But since you're in no shape to go [Russian accent.]
Please to tell me what time, comrade! That's actually pretty good.
- Peg, listen.
- Shh! [Whispering.]
You wake this baby, so help me, I will beat you to death with this baby.
[Door closes quietly.]
What? I understand it's been hard for you, - this license thing.
- [Sighs.]
Driver's license such rigmarole.
In Europe, anyone can drive at any age on either side of the street.
Look, I'll admit, y-you driving wasn't something I thought was important.
But maybe it is.
I should've been better about it.
No more insensitive jokes.
From now on, I'll stick to picking on Polish people and fatsos.
Aww, honey.
That's so sweet.
[Chuckles softly.]
But I hate myself for saying this it's not entirely your fault.
There's just something about left turns I freeze, like that deer I ran over last week.
You'll find a way to calm yourself and take the test again.
- [Sighs.]
- You can beat this.
Hey.
You know how nervous I get when I have to speak in front of people.
But I've developed this clever trick to help me relax.
That's a great idea alcohol! [Chuckling.]
Hey! No.
Not alcohol.
I say a few Hail Marys.
Well, good for you.
Where's the cooking wine? [Laughing.]
You can't drink before the driving test! Drinking after it won't do me any good.
According to my friend Dino, they smell booze on your breath, it's an automatic fail.
And offering the guy a beer does not help.
There are more enlightened ways of dealing with nervousness, Mom.
Have you considered T.
M.
Transcendental Meditation? Sure.
I'll just join a naked hippie cult.
As always, very helpful, Lawrence.
Wendi's father is afraid of flying, so his doctor gave him sedatives.
We did that with the dog.
Remember Bosco, when he got [Laughing.]
old and jittery? Especially around Mom.
That's just 'cause I didn't fuss over him, like all of you.
[Baby-talking.]
"Oh, such a good boy.
" [Normal voice.]
Then prove it! All that shameless begging.
That's why I prefer a peacock.
They're beautiful, but they're mean.
Yeah.
That tracks.
Bosco got nervous in the car, just like you, Peg.
That's why the vet gave him the sedatives.
I remember.
They cost $11.
Ohh.
I bet we have some of those left.
I was heartbroken after Bosco died.
Couldn't get a refund from that pharmacist.
Now, where are they? Do dog sedatives work on people? They actually work pretty great.
I think I know where they might be.
I'll bet you do.
[Saw whirring.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Whirring stops.]
This looks like a bad idea.
Ohh! Thank you.
Just do it.
I'm not missing my chance at stardom.
Talk some sense into him.
I just meant letting William do it, when Dr.
Reauchamp is on duty.
Here, let me take a look.
Yeah, that's healing nicely.
Okay.
[Saw whirring.]
[Grinding.]
How's your arm feel? [Strained.]
Like a dead ham hanging off my shoulder.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, kid! How ya feeling? Never better.
'Cause you fell down a 12-foot manhole.
I do all my own stunts.
I should be on, uh, your list for today.
Yep, there it is Timmy Cleary.
Sign right there next to your name.
[Grunts.]
It seems to be out of ink.
Ah, just give it a good shake.
Ow! Ow.
You know, you seem a little old to be playing Chris Partridge.
I'm auditioning for Danny.
You were the one who tipped me off they were recasting.
I did? I got that way wrong.
They're recasting the little brother.
You can't fire Bonaduce.
He's a monster, but he's a monster talent.
Who cares if he ran me over with a golf cart? It's called show business, not show be-nice-to-Boris.
So I don't get to be Danny? No.
But you seem to be just about the right age to play Chris.
You play the drums? I play 17 musical instruments, including the didgeridoo.
That's perfect! Actually, I don't know.
I've never seen the show.
Do this, William.
Take my spot.
Get to the top, then pull me up behind you, like Charlton Heston did for his brother Jerry.
Thanks, but I prefer to live a quiet life away from the limelight.
Oh, you're missing a bet there, kid.
Become a child star take it from me the rest of your life is Easy Street.
Eh.
[Chuckles.]
Guess Mom passed her test.
Congratulations, Mommy! The world's first female driver.
How's the weeding? Wouldn't be so bad, except every time I pull one out, Pat replants it.
I'm learning how to farm.
[Sighs.]
Sorry about ratting you out to Dad.
What was that all about? I can't object to you having a friend take a test for you.
I-I mean, I'm in 8th grade, I'm a straight-A student, and I don't even know how to read.
What bugged me was you giving up on yourself and thinking that you couldn't pass that test.
Well, I completed a left turn.
He gave me a perfect score.
Glad you toughed it out, Mom.
I'm proud of you.
Well, I did have some help.
Thank you, Bosco.
Good boy.
Finally.
[Scoffs.]
Joey's still picking those weeds? Fast as he picks them, Pat's putting them back.
Idiot.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Sighs.]
What's wrong? Why aren't you piling on the kids with me? I just hate that I needed a pill to pass that test.
Remember that "Barnaby Jones" about the housewife who got hooked on the goofballs? Honey, you're not gonna end up a go-go dancer in a biker bar to feed the monkey on your back.
Well, I'd like to think I could if I wanted to.
Certainly better than Patty Duke.
The thing is, I switched out those dog pills for some Tic Tacs.
That left turn today was all you.
- My mouth did feel suspiciously fresh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Even Ron noticed.
- [Chuckles.]
Thank you, honey.
Guess it was a rare "Barnaby Jones," where they got it all wrong.
I don't buy that guy as a detective.
To me, he is and always will be Mr.
Jed Clampett.
Mm-hmm.
Eddie, you got something from a novelty company? Ooh! My X-ray specs.
I hurt my hand.
I just want to make sure it isn't broken.
Anything for me from the Super Sugar Crisp people? No, just a postcard from Tony the Tiger.
He says he's grrrrravely ill.
Gonna guess diabetes.
WILLIAM: I wouldn't get my hopes up.
A million kids sent in a box-top for that contest.
You also had to write an essay "Why I Deserve To Appear On 'The Partridge Family'.
" I spent the first 19 pages crapping on "The Brady Bunch.
" No love lost there.
It's "Munsters" versus "Addams Family" all over again.
But you like "The Brady Bunch.
" And if they have a contest, I'll crap on "The Partridge Family.
" It's called show business, not show friendship.
It's all covered in my essay.
Don't expect rock 'n' rollers like the Partridges to get back to you in a timely fashion.
"Come On Get Happy!" [Laughs.]
We all know how they get happy.
- Marijuana cigarettes.
- I got it.
Your father and I are leaving.
But, don't worry.
It's not the big one yet.
We'll be back.
- William, keep an eye on the baby.
- Right-ee-o.
I'm taking your mother for her driving test, so stay off the streets and sidewalks.
- [Laughs.]
- In fact, just to be safe, you might want to hide indoors.
[Laughter.]
I rehearsed the "streets and sidewalk" part.
The The "hide indoors," that that just hit me.
The way Mom would with a car.
With these on, I can look through walls and see if she's coming.
[Laughter.]
Did you see that coming? All my boys are so funny.
Look out, Bob Hope! Why? Are you driving near his house? - [Stifled laughter.]
- Knock it off! It's rude to joke about the very real danger of Mom's driving.
It's not worth the risk, Mom.
I want us to grow old together.
Suddenly, a trip through the windshield doesn't sound so bad.
[Laughter.]
ADULT TIMMY: Weeks had passed since I'd entered the "Partridge Family" contest.
I started to accept reality my essay obviously got lost in the mail.
I decided to deliver it myself.
Hey, chief.
Working hard or hardly working? - How's the wife? - Mean as a snake.
Wait a second! You're not someone I share cheap shots at my wife with.
What are you trying to pull? I just have to go drop something off at the "Partridge Family" offices.
And are the "Partridge" people expecting you? I'm exactly what they're not expecting, and that's what makes me pop.
Oh, pop? Don't pop.
That's not how we do things around here.
It's called show business, not show surprises! Eh, "Partridge" auditions are next week.
No, I'm here for the Super Sugar Crisp contest.
Oh, that's over.
They hired some kid with a plate in his head for the publicity.
Nice kid, though.
He let us throw refrigerator magnets at him.
Wait, you said something about another audition? They're replacing one of the kids.
And word on the fake New York street is they're replacing Danny Bonaduce, "The Duce.
" "The Duce"? Oh, that's what we're contractually required to call him.
But I believe they've had enough of his reign of terror! You know, that guy once threw apple juice at me.
Throwing apple juice? I've got to get into this audition! - [Thud.]
- Oof! Really drilled that squirrel.
It's actually safer than swerving to avoid them.
You're doing quite well.
Tell that to my husband.
He's very ignorant when it comes to women drivers.
We all know the real problem is these "guests" from other countries.
Last vehicle they drove was a yak or a magic carpet.
O kay.
Uh, so, now make a left here.
Oh, no, thank you, Ron.
You just tell me where you want to go, I'll get you there some other way.
Oh, left turns are part of the test.
[Sighs.]
Stop at the intersection and then proceed when safe.
[Turn signal clicking.]
"When safe.
" You know what's safe, Ron? Going right.
- [Horns honking.]
- Go now, 'cause it's yellow.
Yellow means danger.
We're just gonna go straight.
- [Tires squeal.]
- Oh! Okay.
- That was a big failure back there.
- [Sighs.]
Fine, fine.
Just take a couple points off.
Then we can drive around, I'll hit a few squirrels, and we'll push that grade back up.
I'm a shoo-in to be the new Danny.
I mean, I've got the talent, plus the red hair.
Plus, I've built relationships on the show.
Look.
"Love, Susan Dey.
" Yeah.
It's her real name intimate.
Won't that be weird for you when you have to play brother and sister? Okay.
I think we're both professionals.
Hold my Clackers.
I'm going outside to play on the monkey bars.
I hope the monkeys show up this time.
[Sighs.]
Pat has clacked himself in the head one too many times.
Is that Laurie Partridge? Do you know her? They have an ongoing intimate correspondence.
And it looks like I may be joining the show.
- On television? - We're not talking dinner theater.
Jinkies! What is David Cassidy really like? Describe him slowly, starting with his lips.
TIMMY: They're good people over there.
You know, a set becomes like a family.
Though I hadn't even scheduled an audition yet, I decided to get some early buzz going.
Joey also saw an opportunity.
Anybody wanna pay 3 bucks for this rare, one-of-a-kind picture? I'll buy it for $2.
It's called show business, not show discount, sweetie.
Who's got three simoleons? I'll take it.
Thank you.
Could you sign my Pee Chee folder? I also have Chris Partridge's Clackers, as seen in an episode.
I loved that episode! What's your name? Danny, how about it, huh? You ready to rehearse with us or not? Oh, sure, Keith.
I'm really ready to rehearse the music.
I should learn how to play the bass for my audition.
I could give you some pointers.
It's gonna be tough replacing an icon like Danny Bonaduce.
When they see my interpretation of the role, they'll be calling him Danny Bona-who?-chee.
You better hope that show has writers.
That Ron character was completely unreasonable.
What's so important about left turns? Well, as far as turns go, it's one of The Big Two.
Failing a test is nothing to be embarrassed about.
I fail at stuff all the time and still feel good about myself.
- Well, you shouldn't.
- PEGGY: I made it clear.
I simply wanted a "no left turn" license, like all the celebrities have.
I don't think that's a real thing.
They have special licenses for taxicabs and tractors.
That Oscar Mayer Wienermobile no one's making a left in the wiener.
FRANK: I'm on your side, Mom.
It's totally unfair to expect a woman to have the same ability with machines as a man.
That's just science.
Mom's good with lots of machines, like the washing machine and the stove.
Yeah, but those don't put people's lives in peril.
There was that time she served us those clams she scraped off the posts from under the Santa Monica Pier.
- [Scoffs.]
- We all knew going in free shellfish was not without risk.
There was nothing wrong with those clams.
You kids brought something home from school.
I got real hot, and then I could hear colors.
I liked it! Thank you, Pat.
Think we owe ourselves a beach day.
You'll take that test again, Peg.
I'll tutor you on left turns.
We can go to the graveyard [Chuckling.]
so you can't hurt anyone.
- [Laughter.]
- I don't need any help from you Burns and Schreibers.
I'll practice with my good friend Helen Portollo, and she can take me to the test.
You hate your good friend Helen Portollo.
At least she's not a cackling jackanape.
Plus, she and Steven are having martial problems, so if I don't pass, I'll have that to cheer me up.
But my mom chose Helen for an entirely different reason.
She didn't just ask Helen to take her to the driving test.
She asked Helen to take the driving test for her.
[Whispering.]
Psst.
What do I say is your weight? [Whispering.]
Just put down your weight and subtract 20 pounds.
Use my age, not yours.
I don't want to have to take this test again in six months.
Helen had no problem making left turns.
In fact, my mom was with her when she left-turned up her driveway and right over her husband's golf clubs.
So Helen had no choice but to help.
Any chance you remember your actual hair color? It's gonna be you in the picture, so whatever that is.
Scarecrow Number Nine? [Scoffs.]
[Camera whirring.]
MAN: Smile, Mrs.
Cleary.
[Camera shutter clicks.]
This one goes to Cathy with a "C," "XOXO, David Cassidy.
" And throw in an extra "XO" because daddy likey Cathy with a "C.
" I feel like we're crossing a line here.
Oh, unbunch your panties.
It's Hollywood.
We're selling dreams.
We're selling hair you clipped off Eddie and Lawrence while they were sleeping.
While they were dreaming.
It's probably against the law.
William these are the precious days of our youth, when we can't be tried as adults.
Cherish this fragile time, because it'll be gone in a blink.
I have been trying for weeks, and I can't get into that audition for "The Partridge Family.
" Aren't you supposed to have an agent for that stuff? My agent bugs them every day.
I told them you're a pisher with the punim of a star, but they're meshuggah over there.
I I'm gonna have to go down to the studio and talk to someone in casting.
While you're there, bring home a few trinkets a gum wrapper from Shirley Jones, David Cassidy's comb.
Or, if the situation presents itself, hot-wire that crazy bus.
I can't steal from future co-stars.
Acting exists within a cocoon of trust.
It's called show business, not show ripping-people-off.
Hey, Joey, what's up with the hair? Just making wigs for sick children.
It's a program I call "Joey Cares.
" You jerk! You cut a big clump off my head while I was sleeping! All donations to "Joey Cares" are tax-deductible.
You cut my hair again and Joey will hurt.
And no one will care.
That's not the worst of it.
He is peddling this junk to little school kids on playgrounds.
You seem to know a lot about my activities.
In the still of the night, I walk the house for both knowledge and security.
Maybe I should move out.
Mock if you want, but it's a small price to pay to see Mom smile.
That's right she smiles! [Inhales deeply.]
But only in her sleep.
Take me with you.
Once I finish this sandwich, you and I are returning the money you took from those little girls.
The only reason we're not leaving right now is I'm racing the expiration date on this bologna.
And you're giving back every dirty penny.
Can you please point your weasel face at somebody else? Buddy, this weasel face is the best friend you've got right now.
I don't know how long I can keep this guy from losing it.
- Shut up, Frank.
- Hoh hoh! There's a little taste right there.
You don't have to take Joey to return the money, Mike.
Let another licensed driver have the pleasure of shaming our child.
Look at you, Mom! There's your 4:00 A.
M.
smile.
Congratulations.
Let me see.
No, no.
My good friend Helen gets to see this first.
In a way, it's as much hers as it is mine.
If the picture looks anything like you, Mom, it's stunning.
- MIKE: Sorry, son.
She's taken.
- [Peggy and Frank chuckle.]
Honey, I'm proud of you.
Oh, well, save your pride.
Joey, let's go.
Frank, you too.
You can watch your brother apologize to girls.
It's a skill you're gonna need.
TIMMY: His name is Boris.
So just get him talking and facing that direction.
I'll slip past and go find the casting people.
- Just go.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.
["I Think I Love You" plays.]
I was sleeping, and right in the middle of a good dream Like all at once, I wake up From something that keeps knocking at my brain Before I go insane, I hold my pillow to my head And spring up in my bed Screaming out the words I dread "I think I love you" I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for Though it worries me to say that I never felt this way Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaaaah! - [Thud, clatter.]
- No! Where are you going? Seize him! [Indistinct shouting.]
Timmy! Are Are you okay? TIMMY: [Echoing.]
Not really.
Timmy fell down a hole! Get Lassie! Stage 5! PARTRIDGE FAMILY: Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for I think I love you Isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say that I've never felt this way [Static, radio tuning.]
Stop monkeying with that radio! How I miss the gentle art of a conversation.
You know who doesn't miss it? People you're talking to.
- [Siren wailing.]
- What on Earth? Fuzz on your tail, Mom.
I smell bacon.
This is what's wrong with America police hassling innocent citizens while the Manson Family is out there stabbing folks willy-nilly.
This picture isn't you, ma'am.
Don't be silly.
I mean, it's not the most flattering portrait, but I'd been up all night and was recently punched in the face by one of those boxing kangaroos.
You gave as good as you got, Mom.
My sons can vouch that that's me.
Right, Frank? Well, Officer-of-the-law, my mom says it's her, so I'm sorry.
It's all going black.
I'm gonna confiscate this license.
Do you need me to call your husband - so he can come and get you? - [Sighs.]
I doubt you'll be able to reach him.
Today's his day in the hot air balloon.
My son Frank will drive us home.
- I'm in no fit state.
- [Groans.]
I've got this, Officer.
Okay.
You drive safely, now, Dr.
Reauchamp.
[Sighs.]
Not a word to your father about that pushy policeman taking my license.
I'm talking to you, Frank.
I know we can count on Dr.
Reauchamp to lie.
[Door opens.]
What in the blue blazes did you do to yourself?! He fell off a wall and straight down a manhole.
Kid can't even fall off a wall normal.
'Course you had to be wearing your new Towncraft from JCPenney.
Where's the sleeve? Doctor couldn't save it.
He did all he could.
Ohh.
Go to your room.
And if you start vomiting, steer it away from that shirt.
It's going back to Penney's in the morning.
Our outing was uneventful.
We gave money to little girls in exchange for hair and underwear.
Right, Frank? Am I leaving anything out? Everything fine.
Not lying.
There you are.
Well, let's be fair, Mom.
There was a teensy bit of lying.
I mean, you lied to that cop who stopped us.
What cop? - Oh.
The man pulled me over to flirt.
- [Chuckles.]
You signed up for that when you married me.
And you lied about it being your picture on your license.
And you lied to the DMV when you had Helen Portollo take your test for you.
And then you told me and Frank to lie to Dad about it.
Whew! That pretty much covers all Mom's lies.
Anyways, how was hot air ballooning today, Pop? This is a new low, young man.
Blatantly disobeying me when I specifically told you to lie to your father! How can we trust a word he says? What do you have to say? Uh Jo Mo Mom good, Joey bad.
Go out back and pull weeds until your father and I can come up with an even worse punishment! - Geez! - [Door opens.]
Makes you wonder where we failed.
[Door closes.]
Helen took your driving test for you? At this point, are you surprised by anything that woman does? What's really troubling is these kids.
You told them to lie to me.
What kind of moral example is that? An excellent one, apparently, since Joey told the truth under tremendous pressure not to, unlike weak-kneed Frank here.
But you were the one who did something wrong.
Nice try.
You had your chance to rat me out, and you blew it.
Don't glom onto Joey's coattails now that he's out there pulling weeds for doing what's right! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! I am.
I-I should be pulling weeds, too.
Go ahead! If he'll let you.
I wouldn't.
But, then, Joey's a better person than all of us! And I'm not even counting the work he does for the "Joey Cares" foundation! [Sobbing.]
[Door opens, closes.]
That was a tricky one.
But think we got to the other side of it.
You drove with a fake license.
What if something happened? We could lose the house not to mention whatever house you drove into.
[Chuckles.]
There you go again, undermining me with your little jokes.
It's no wonder I get nervous driving.
Huh? I-I start turning left into traffic, and all I can think about is you and the boys having a gas and a giggle at poor old Peggy.
- Come on.
I di - It's a lot harder to have faith in yourself when your own family doesn't believe in you.
Driving is new and scary for me, Mike.
But go ahead yuk it up! - [Andy crying.]
- I won't get a license! The squirrels are safe once again! [Shudders.]
Well, the "Partridge Family" casting guy called.
He finally finished listening to your dozens of phone messages.
Yeah, I used different accents to showcase my range.
He offered an audition time for later.
But since you're in no shape to go [Russian accent.]
Please to tell me what time, comrade! That's actually pretty good.
- Peg, listen.
- Shh! [Whispering.]
You wake this baby, so help me, I will beat you to death with this baby.
[Door closes quietly.]
What? I understand it's been hard for you, - this license thing.
- [Sighs.]
Driver's license such rigmarole.
In Europe, anyone can drive at any age on either side of the street.
Look, I'll admit, y-you driving wasn't something I thought was important.
But maybe it is.
I should've been better about it.
No more insensitive jokes.
From now on, I'll stick to picking on Polish people and fatsos.
Aww, honey.
That's so sweet.
[Chuckles softly.]
But I hate myself for saying this it's not entirely your fault.
There's just something about left turns I freeze, like that deer I ran over last week.
You'll find a way to calm yourself and take the test again.
- [Sighs.]
- You can beat this.
Hey.
You know how nervous I get when I have to speak in front of people.
But I've developed this clever trick to help me relax.
That's a great idea alcohol! [Chuckling.]
Hey! No.
Not alcohol.
I say a few Hail Marys.
Well, good for you.
Where's the cooking wine? [Laughing.]
You can't drink before the driving test! Drinking after it won't do me any good.
According to my friend Dino, they smell booze on your breath, it's an automatic fail.
And offering the guy a beer does not help.
There are more enlightened ways of dealing with nervousness, Mom.
Have you considered T.
M.
Transcendental Meditation? Sure.
I'll just join a naked hippie cult.
As always, very helpful, Lawrence.
Wendi's father is afraid of flying, so his doctor gave him sedatives.
We did that with the dog.
Remember Bosco, when he got [Laughing.]
old and jittery? Especially around Mom.
That's just 'cause I didn't fuss over him, like all of you.
[Baby-talking.]
"Oh, such a good boy.
" [Normal voice.]
Then prove it! All that shameless begging.
That's why I prefer a peacock.
They're beautiful, but they're mean.
Yeah.
That tracks.
Bosco got nervous in the car, just like you, Peg.
That's why the vet gave him the sedatives.
I remember.
They cost $11.
Ohh.
I bet we have some of those left.
I was heartbroken after Bosco died.
Couldn't get a refund from that pharmacist.
Now, where are they? Do dog sedatives work on people? They actually work pretty great.
I think I know where they might be.
I'll bet you do.
[Saw whirring.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Whirring stops.]
This looks like a bad idea.
Ohh! Thank you.
Just do it.
I'm not missing my chance at stardom.
Talk some sense into him.
I just meant letting William do it, when Dr.
Reauchamp is on duty.
Here, let me take a look.
Yeah, that's healing nicely.
Okay.
[Saw whirring.]
[Grinding.]
How's your arm feel? [Strained.]
Like a dead ham hanging off my shoulder.
[Chuckling.]
Hey, kid! How ya feeling? Never better.
'Cause you fell down a 12-foot manhole.
I do all my own stunts.
I should be on, uh, your list for today.
Yep, there it is Timmy Cleary.
Sign right there next to your name.
[Grunts.]
It seems to be out of ink.
Ah, just give it a good shake.
Ow! Ow.
You know, you seem a little old to be playing Chris Partridge.
I'm auditioning for Danny.
You were the one who tipped me off they were recasting.
I did? I got that way wrong.
They're recasting the little brother.
You can't fire Bonaduce.
He's a monster, but he's a monster talent.
Who cares if he ran me over with a golf cart? It's called show business, not show be-nice-to-Boris.
So I don't get to be Danny? No.
But you seem to be just about the right age to play Chris.
You play the drums? I play 17 musical instruments, including the didgeridoo.
That's perfect! Actually, I don't know.
I've never seen the show.
Do this, William.
Take my spot.
Get to the top, then pull me up behind you, like Charlton Heston did for his brother Jerry.
Thanks, but I prefer to live a quiet life away from the limelight.
Oh, you're missing a bet there, kid.
Become a child star take it from me the rest of your life is Easy Street.
Eh.
[Chuckles.]
Guess Mom passed her test.
Congratulations, Mommy! The world's first female driver.
How's the weeding? Wouldn't be so bad, except every time I pull one out, Pat replants it.
I'm learning how to farm.
[Sighs.]
Sorry about ratting you out to Dad.
What was that all about? I can't object to you having a friend take a test for you.
I-I mean, I'm in 8th grade, I'm a straight-A student, and I don't even know how to read.
What bugged me was you giving up on yourself and thinking that you couldn't pass that test.
Well, I completed a left turn.
He gave me a perfect score.
Glad you toughed it out, Mom.
I'm proud of you.
Well, I did have some help.
Thank you, Bosco.
Good boy.
Finally.
[Scoffs.]
Joey's still picking those weeds? Fast as he picks them, Pat's putting them back.
Idiot.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Sighs.]
What's wrong? Why aren't you piling on the kids with me? I just hate that I needed a pill to pass that test.
Remember that "Barnaby Jones" about the housewife who got hooked on the goofballs? Honey, you're not gonna end up a go-go dancer in a biker bar to feed the monkey on your back.
Well, I'd like to think I could if I wanted to.
Certainly better than Patty Duke.
The thing is, I switched out those dog pills for some Tic Tacs.
That left turn today was all you.
- My mouth did feel suspiciously fresh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Even Ron noticed.
- [Chuckles.]
Thank you, honey.
Guess it was a rare "Barnaby Jones," where they got it all wrong.
I don't buy that guy as a detective.
To me, he is and always will be Mr.
Jed Clampett.
Mm-hmm.