The Munsters (1964) s01e17 Episode Script

[Keys Jingling.]
Sounds like someone's at the door.
Oh, fiddlesticks! Now look what you've done, Lily.
Oh, Herman.
And never mind that.
I was hoping you'd come home.
We have a much more serious problem.
Really? Did Grandpa blow up the dungeon again? No.
But Marilyn came home from school in tears.
She said she'd been asked not to return to college.
What happened? I don't know.
She was too upset to talk.
Poor thing's up in her room now crying her eyes out.
Oh, my.
I did that once when I was younger and had a terrible time getting them back in.
Well, we'll just have to get her down here and find out what the trouble is.
Do you suppose it could be her marks? Well, it could be.
Uh, after all, she's your sister's child, you know.
She doesn't have the Munster brains like I do.
Is that so? And what line were you in when they passed out the brains? You're forgetting, dear.
I didn't stand in line at all.
They brought everything to me.
I got curb service.
Oh, Herman.
Imagine, throwing you out of school.
I'll fix that college.
I'll turn myself into a California student and upset the whole campus.
Now take it easy, Grandpa.
Uh, there must be some explanation.
[Sighs.]
Here's the notice they gave me at school.
I just don't understand it.
"Tuition in arrears for the last quarter"? The college told me I couldn't come back till it was paid.
Oh, I was just so ashamed.
But, Lily, you handle the checkbook.
Uh, didn't didn't you ever pay this? I'm almost sure I did.
I'll look it up.
This is most embarrassing.
No one in our family has ever been thrown out of school since the time they caught Grandpa hanging from the rafters at Vassar.
I only flew in there to get out of the rain.
For two weeks? See now.
I paid the gas bill, the telephone, our water-hardening service But can't you find a check stub for the tuition? [Sighs.]
I'm sorry, Marilyn.
I was so sure that I paid it.
Well, maybe it's just one of those checks I forgot to enter.
Well, we can't let them treat our niece this way.
That's right.
I'll go down there and handle it.
- I'll throw a scare into them.
- Uh, no, no, Grandpa.
I'll take care of this.
I'll go down to that school tomorrow and straighten the whole thing out.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Herman.
But But will you be able to take time off from the parlor tomorrow? I think I can duck out around 4:00 and the boss will never miss me.
Anyway, he's gonna be busy all afternoon interviewing new box boys.
What'd you say this kid's name was again, Coach? Mallory.
Moose Mallory.
He's been playin' high school basketball somewhere in Kentucky for the past six years.
It took him six years to get through high school? Jerry, our scouts' reports show that this guy's got everything footwork like a gazelle, hands like a gorilla, and he's tall as a giraffe.
Who's sponsoring him? The S.
P.
C.
A.
? Okay, so he's a big dumb ape from the hills.
But Dean Haggerty doesn't know that yet.
We're gonna enroll the Moose on a scholarship, and by the time he flunks out, our team will get national recognition, and yours truly will have left Westbury for bigger and better things.
That Mallory was supposed to be here at 3:30.
Do you suppose the bus was late? I don't know.
His first time in the city.
Maybe we should have met him.
That big goon could be wandering around like some kind of a zombie.
I guess you need a college education to figure out the signs.
Oh, uh Uh, uh, pardon me, sir.
Could you tell me how to get to Oh.
Uh, sorry.
L I thought you were alive.
Uh, you look just like my wife's brother standing there.
Coach, maybe we oughta call the bus station.
It's almost 4:30.
We'll give this Moose another [Knocking On Door.]
[Door Opens.]
Oh, uh, uh, pardon me, gentlemen.
Uh, could you help me? Do you suppose this is Has to be.
Couldn't be two like that.
Come on in.
This is the place you're looking for.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm looking for the dean's office.
Uh, there's a matter of tuition I'd like to straighten out.
Don't worry.
You'll get to see the dean, and we'll straighten out that little matter of tuition.
Fine.
Uh, first I'd like to ask a few questions.
Have a chair.
Uh, all right.
Uh, could we get rid of this? Now, how tall are you? I'm, uh, 7 foot 3.
In your stocking feet? No.
In my stocking feet I'm 7 foot 4.
I wear very thick socks.
Well, you're gonna take a pretty big sweat suit, but I think we've got one around you can squeeze into.
- Sweat suit? - Yeah.
No use you seeing the dean till we run you through a little tryout.
- How are you at passing? - Oh, pretty good.
I passed two trucks and a station wagon on the way over here.
Jerry, show him where the locker room is.
Right, Coach.
Come on, Moose.
Moose? You college kids and your nicknames.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Bus from Nashville and points south now unloading.
Well, uh, what do you think, Pa? Purty fancy bus depot, Moose.
Look, they sell them paperback novels right out in the open.
I don't see none of them hotshot college fellers here to meet ya.
Well, uh, the bus was two hours late on account of hittin' that mule.
Maybe them hotshot college fellers got tired of waitin' on us.
They musta.
Reckon we-uns will have to track down the college ourself.
Well, we best get walkin'.
Walkin'? Look, just as soon as you start basketballing it for that Westbury College, you ain't gonna have to do no more walkin' have your own "cornvertible.
" You done lost me, Pa.
How can a little old college basketball player afford a "cornvertible"? Son, if you keep actin' as dumb as you look, us Mallorys are in real trouble.
You just play with that little old ball and leave the thinkin' to me.
Sorry, Pa.
Well, we best get walkin'.
Give me your hand.
I just don't understand, gentlemen, why I can't see the dean now.
Because one of the rules here says that before we see the dean, we have to play a little basketball.
Now, we don't mind doing that for Coachie, do we? Well, I guess not.
But I'll just bet you they don't have rules like this at Princeton.
Come on, Moosie.
Let's see you sink a couple of baskets, huh? - Uh, uh, that that basket down there? - That's right.
Sure.
If If If it'll get me to see the dean.
[Chuckles.]
But why don't you give yourself a break and go near the foul line Wow! Sensational! Yeah, that's great.
Let's see you do a few layups.
You're fantastic.
You really think so? [Laughs.]
Just watch this.
[Laughing.]
[Coach.]
He's great.
! Look at that.
! Holy mackerel.
! Wow.
! [Chuckles.]
[Laughing.]
Now can I see the dean? Son, after that demonstration, you don't need to see the dean.
Uh, but there's a matter of tuition.
My boy, you just sign this paper, and believe me, you'll never have to worry about tuition again.
Really? Oh.
Well, thank you very much.
Uh, uh, can I go and change my clothes and leave now? Sure, go ahead.
Yeah.
We'll be seeing you, Moose.
Oh.
Thank you.
Jerry, my boy, we're gonna have the greatest basketball season in the history of Westbury.
Yeah, Coach.
This Moose Mallory is just about the [Knock On Door.]
Excuse us.
Do you reckon we're in the right place? No, fellas.
The course in television acting is just down the hall.
We don't know nothin' about no playactin'.
This here's Moose Mallory, the basketball star, and I'm his pa.
He can't be Moose Mallory.
Moose Mallory was just in here, and the coach signed him up.
Sure.
We just Jerry.
Look.
"Herman Munster.
" You mean that that wasn't Moose Mallory that we signed up before? Must have been some other athlete that stumbled in here by mistake.
Well, then this guy must be the real Moose Mallory.
What are we gonna do? Look, let's not argue with fate.
Whoever this Munster is that fell in our laps, he's gonna make any other basketball player look like a creep.
But how are you gonna get rid of these hillbillies? They came here all the way from Kentucky.
Easy.
I'll just politely and graciously explain the matter to them in the fine sporting tradition of college athletics.
Moose.
Yes, sir? The, uh, job is filled.
Huh? Get lost, ya bum.
[Father Protesting.]
That's right, Marilyn.
Tomorrow morning, you can go to college without a worry in the world.
They assured me your tuition is all taken care of.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Herman.
Did you have any trouble down there, dear? No.
Uh, not a bit.
They have a rather strange rule before they'll give you an interview, but after a brief workout in the gym, they were most cooperative.
A workout in the gym? Yes.
Uh, you see, when I walked in, there were these two men [Eddie.]
Hey, Pop.
! Pop.
! The evening paper just came, and it's got your name in it.
My name? Yeah.
Right here on the sports page.
On the sports page? "Coach Roger Denman this afternoon predicted a winning season on the courts with the enrollment of a local athlete, Herman Munster, at Westbury College.
" Local athlete? You, Herman? You enrolled at college.
Boy, Pop! Wait till I tell the guys! Now why would he do a thing like that? You went down there [All Chattering.]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
The The, uh There must be a mistake.
A-All I did was put on a sweat suit like they asked me and shot a few baskets.
They said that was one of the rules.
Then when I signed that paper, they said the tuition was all taken care of.
They meant your tuition, not Marilyn's.
Ooh, Herman, you signed a contract to play basketball on a scholarship.
Oh, boy! Sometimes I think you just don't have enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Oh, yes, I do.
I've I've done it lots of times.
Herman, you're so gullible.
Why, this is even worse than the time you went to that television show and almost wound up as Queen for a Day.
Now they still won't let me back in school tomorrow.
Oh.
You've goofed it again, Herman.
Well, don't just sit there with that vacant look on your face.
Aren't you the least bit worried about the the mess you've gotten into? You're You're darn right I'm worried.
I'm trying to figure out a way to get in shape before the basketball season starts.
"Herman Munster.
" Moose, that must be the fella that rinky-dinked you out of your basketball scholarship.
Yeah.
As soon as we hit the bus depot I shoulda knowed this town is full of fancy dudes.
How come? When I tried that 10-cent machine in the washroom, instead of giving me a pocket comb, it squirted "prefume" all over me.
I don't notice it none.
Well, maybe I didn't get enough on me to take.
Moose, is that Munster slicker's address in the paper? Uh, "1313 Mockingbird Lane.
" Come on.
Let's go.
Me and you are gonna find that Yankee, and we're gonna rearrange his bones Kentucky-style.
Hot dog! His face'll look like Annie Lou Humphrey when she fell in the feedin' trough and them swill-happy hogs just about tromped her to death.
Now, Herman, I phoned the college, and they said the coach will be working in his office all evening.
Yes.
Grandpa and I want you to go down there right now and straighten this mess out so that Marilyn can go to school tomorrow.
But, Lily, I'll I'll be so embarrassed.
Those nice men might yell at me.
Oh, Herman.
What are you anyway? A man or a mouse? Now, Lily.
After all these years, you you can't tell the difference? [Wolf Howling.]
Now, Moose, I ask ya did you ever see a house like this in all your born days? I sure didn't, Pa.
Ain't nobody back home could afford nothin' this fancy.
I don't care if the Munsters do live in a mansion.
It ain't gonna slow me down none.
[Heavy Footsteps Approaching.]
Yes? What do you think, Pa? I think the hogs already tromped on this boy's face.
And then when this coach feller throwed us out and we read that you had latched on to Moose's scholarship, we just come over here to marinate your gizzard in sheep-dip.
Uh, uh, good heavens.
I'd hate to put you to all that trouble.
As a matter of fact, Herman signing up to play basketball was only the result of a mix-up.
Yeah, of course.
Why, when you knocked, he was on his way down to straighten it all out.
He was.
Weren't you, Herman? Yes.
L l I was at that.
In the interest of fair play and, uh, my gizzard.
Well, now, that makes a mite difference, don't it, Moose? It does iffen I get my athletic scholarship.
Uh, uh, uh, tell you what.
Why don't you nice gentlemen sit here while I go down and speak to that coach.
Oh, that's a fine idea, Herman.
And while you're gone, I'll try to make our friends feel at home.
See you later.
Gentlemen, make yourselves comfortable.
Well, thank you.
You'll have to pardon me, mister, for staring at your suit, but [Chuckles.]
If you was to come to our town duded up like that, folks would bury you before you could blink an eye.
Oh, thank you.
I'll consider that an invitation.
Oh, my, Grandpa.
That fire's gone out again.
Would you mind? Oh, I'd be delighted.
And I'll go and fix some tea.
Hey, Pa.
What is it, Moose? You're closer to my feet than I am.
Would you mind puttin' out the fire? Okay, son, but don't expect me to do it every time.
Thank you, Pa.
What do you mean you won't play basketball for this noble institution of learning? Are you out of your skull? Oh.
Oh.
Uh, no, sir.
L I haven't been out of it in years.
But, you see, I just cannot accept this basketball scholarship.
Oh, you want more money? No, sir.
You want a convertible? No, sir.
A little something under the table, huh? O-Of course not.
It's just that this basketball scholarship does not rightfully belong to me.
It belongs to another.
I believe you should withdraw my name from the team and award this honorarium to Mr.
Mallory in the interests of justice and fair play.
He is out of his skull.
Come right this way, Mr.
Mallory.
This here is our kitchen.
Oh, a separate room for eatin' vittles, and now look at all these "modren cornveniences.
" Lookee here, Pa.
There's no pump.
The water just comes splattering right outta the pipe end.
Yeah, son.
That's, uh That's one of them new, uh, automatic dishwashers I've heared tell about.
- Oh.
- And this is our icebox.
Ooh, land of Goshen! Look at all them eggs.
- And big uns too.
- Oh, yes.
And we keep our own vultures out in the back.
Ooh-ee.
L-I'd sure hate to reach under one of them critters when they was nestin'.
Wouldn't you, Pa? I didn't know you had company, Aunt Lily.
Oh, Marilyn, this is Mr.
Moose Mallory and his father.
How do you do? I'm mighty glad to meet you, ma'am.
I declare, you're prettier than a bucket full of hog livers.
Oh, thank you very much.
Yeah, I guess, uh, you could say she is the pick of the litter.
Marilyn, uh, why don't you take the young man out back and show him our garden? Oh, all right.
Ooh-ee.
Oh, uh, be careful.
D-Don't step on the poison ivy.
It's just beginning to bloom.
Oh, ma'am, I sure hope that your husband can work things out and get my son on that basketball team.
I just can't wait to move up here and live high on the hog like y'all do.
Munster, will you knock it off? You signed this paper, and you're going to play.
- Yeah.
Where's your sportsmanship? - I am not tearing up this contract and signing Mallory.
But I tell you I won't play! I will not play! I won't! I won't! I won't! Now, uh, uh, uh, what are you gonna do about it? Like I said, I'm going to, uh, tear up this contract and, uh, sign Mallory.
[Man On Radio.]
And now for the local sports scene.
Moose Mallory, the sensational high-scoring forward of Westbury College, led his team to its 15th straight victory.
The Moose scored 68 points and set an all-time conference record.
Coach Denman sees his team going to the national championships undefeated.
[Laughs.]
That's what I wanted to hear.
And now for the local weather It's nice to know the boy's doing so well in college.
And he has you to thank for it, dear.
Well, Lily, if we can't help a young man up the ladder of success, we're pretty sorry excuses for human beings.
[Horn Honks.]
Good night, everybody.
That's my date.
- I'm going out with Moose Mallory.
- Oh.
Good night.
That sweet boy must see something in Marilyn that we don't.
[Grandpa.]
Well.
What are you gonna do, Grandpa? I'm gonna do a little peeking at Moose and Marilyn.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Well, why didn't he say so? [Chuckles.]
Come on.
You know, Herman, it must be hard for a boy like Moose to struggle through college on a scholarship.
You're right, Lily.
I'll bet it calls for many sacrifices.
Mmm.
Wow! Get a load of that car.
He He must have a job working nights at the school cafeteria.