The Nanny s01e17 Episode Script

Yeah, I love you, too.
And I miss you terribly.
Who's he talking to? / What's it worth to you? It's my sister from London.
/ I didn't know Maxwell had a sister.
Well, now we know what you're worth to him.
All right, I'll see you then, Jocelyn.
Goodbye.
Oh, was that your sister? Oh, I hope you said hi for me.
Why does Miss Fine know about it? He talks in his sleep.
Is everything all right, sir? / Yes.
Jocelyn's coming for a visit.
And she's bringing a man.
Oh, what a great hostess gift.
Gee, I hope she knows my size.
Are you sure you heard her correctly, sir? She's not bringing a ham? No, I distinctly heard a man.
/ Astounding.
Unbelievable.
/ Boy, this poor girl must be the hound of the Baskervilles.
No, on the contrary, Miss Fine, Jocelyn's very attractive and terribly effusive.
A good roll-on could take care of that.
It's just that Miss Jocelyn has never brought someone home to meet the family.
Yeah, she's never gotten serious about any particular gentleman.
Oh, I got you.
Yeah, that's just like my cousin Gladys.
But you know, she's very happy.
And if you ever need your radiator flushed, she's your man.
Oh, Niles, I wanna make a good impression on Mister Sheffield's sister.
You think this outfit is okay? Oh, perhaps something a bit more conservative? You haven't even looked yet.
/ All right, I looked.
Oh, it's all right, Niles.
That'll be Jocelyn.
I'll get it.
Puddle Duck.
/ Mopsey.
Got you last.
Joce, haven't we grown out of these childish games? Ah, made you flinch.
Puddle Duck? Mopsey? Why, Miss Fine, didn't you have a nickname for your sister? Yeah.
Moron.
Hi.
Fran Fine.
I'm the nanny.
/ Oh, lovely to meet you.
And I'd like you all to meet Nigel Waters, the Duke of Salisbury.
Oh, I love your steaks.
Thank you.
Lord Worcheshire and I get together every Sunday for a barbecue.
And the Earl of Sandwich pops by for leftovers.
Oh, I never got Benny Hill either.
Oh, thank you, Lester.
You remember Lester, don't you, Maxie? Sorry, no.
/ Oh, sir, he's been her chauffeur for twenty years.
Oh, don't blame yourself, sir.
You've probably only ever seen the back of my head.
Oh, Lester! Yes, of course! Oh, good to see you again, old man.
Thank you, sir.
So, you're a duke.
Have you got a brother? Maxwell, you described her laugh all wrong in your letters.
It's nothing like the Q.
E.
Two adrift in a fog.
Mister Sheffield, you've been writing about me? Yes, well .
So, uh, how was your flight? / Marvelous.
We even had a massage on the plane.
/ Oh, wow, some plane.
The last supersaver I took, I didn't need a brassiere.
I had my knees.
Let's just pop some food in there, shall we? So this is wonderful.
How long have you two known each other? Yes.
Was it love at first sight? / Yes.
The moment I laid eyes on her, I thought, my god, she's suitable.
**** And the moment I saw him, I thought, he seems nice.
Oh, dash it all, darling.
You want to tell them or shall I? We're engaged.
/ You go ahead.
Oh, that's wonderful.
/ Oh, oh .
Oh, this is so exciting.
I gotta call my mother.
We have never had a duke in the family before.
Well, we did once, but we had to have him put to sleep.
This is so scrummy, Niles.
/ Yes, I remembered steak and kidney pie was your favorite.
And you all complained about my mother's cooking? At least she steered clear of the urinary tract.
So, did you and Uncle Nigel have fun on the boat? What boat, darling? / Fran said you hooked a really big fish.
Oh, eat up.
Maxwell, your children are charming.
Oh, dear, we forgot to buy them presents.
Well, let me give you money.
Oh, Nigel, that's not necessary.
/ Are you sure? I have lots.
I wouldn't miss it at all.
/ Quite sure.
Excuse me, Dad, but I believe he was talking to us.
Brighton, don't be greedy.
God'll punish you.
Good evening, everyone.
/ See? Jocelyn, Nigel, I'd like you to meet my business partner, Miss C.
C.
Babcock.
Hello.
Actually, I'm more like part of the family.
Yes, we keep putting her out at night, and she keeps finding her way back.
So, have you two set a date? / Oh, who's had time? I'm still exhausted from our month in Tahiti.
Oh, you know, you really ought to set a date if you want to book a catering hall.
And if you want an accordion, oh, you're really gonna have to move fast.
Fran was a bridal consultant at Danny's Parisian Brides for Less.
Maggie, please.
Head bridal consultant.
Say, why don't you two have the wedding right here? I could throw you an affair that's to die for.
I kept their rolodex.
Miss Fine, that's a splendid idea.
I can just see the wedding pictures now.
The Duke and Duchess of Salisbury at opposite ends of a ten foot hero.
Darling, are we free this Sunday? No, we're, we're golfing with the Worthingtons.
Oh, pooh.
I hate the Worthingtons.
I don't much care for golf.
Then let's get married.
It's a perfect excuse.
Okay.
But let's keep it simple.
Smart.
I always say, put the money towards the castle.
Then it's settled.
We'll get married this Sunday.
Pass the salt.
I'm so happy for both of you.
Oh, mazel tov.
That's pip, pip in Yiddish.
Meanwhile, Niles, this is one recipe that you can pull from your repertoire.
Oh, as it happens, steak and kidney pie is also Lady Diana's favorite.
Oh, and they wonder why she's always throwing up.
Gracie, sweetheart, what's the matter? I can't be a flower girl.
It's too much pressure.
What if Aunt Jocelyn slips on my petals and falls and breaks her leg? Then we'd have to shoot her like my pony.
Oh, sweetie, why don't you go upstairs and take a nice, hot, relaxing bath.
Put in some of that aroma therapy I bought you.
The sage? / No, I think that's for P.
M.
S.
Try the lavender.
I'll get it.
Oh, finally.
Hi.
/ Hey.
Wow.
/ Nice place, huh? Where's Ellie May and Jethro? I don't know how I'm gonna top it unless I get a job working for Seigfried and Roy.
Something tells me they're not gonna be needing a nanny.
Here's the stuff I brought you from the bridal shop.
/ Oh.
See ya.
/ Well, what's your rush? I thought you were gonna help me with the wedding plans so that you can hang out with Maggie.
Oh, I was.
But after seeing how she lives, I realize I'm not in her league.
Oh, don't be thrown by all these trappings.
This is just an average, ordinary house.
Oh, excuse me, I just gotta ask the butler something.
Have you seen the Duke? Oh, he and Mister Sheffield have gone yacht shopping.
Smart.
Avoid the Christmas rush.
/ Sweetie, don't be intimidated.
I'm telling you, Maggie is just a normal down-to-earth girl.
Oh, hi, ho.
/ Hi.
Gotta go.
Hi, Kenny.
/ Bye, Maggie.
Where's he going? / I think the leather boots probably scared him off.
It's a Jewish thing.
Jocelyn, come on, I want you to see what I just had brought over from the bridal shop.
It's a genuine copy of a knock off of an Ives Saint Laurent.
It kind of screams, "I'm getting married," don't you think? Well, honey, you're marrying a Duke.
If it were me, I would be throwing leaflets out of the Goodyear blimp.
And my mother would be flying it.
Come on, I need some information from you and the betrothed about the wedding.
Now, what's your favorite song? / I don't believe we have one.
Oh, come on, you gotta have one.
Evergreen? Close To You? Not even Duke of Earl? / No.
What's your favorite song? / Well, I'm partial to You Better Shop Around.
But that would be more appropriate for a shower.
Maybe we should just flip a coin.
Gee, no offense, but you're really pretty blase about this whole event.
You love the Duke, right? Who wouldn't? He's solid and dependable.
And best of all, his mother's dead.
Enough said.
Well, we still gotta deal with the matchbooks, the napkins, the seating charts, the yamukas.
Oh, yeah, well, that should take some of the pressure off.
I think I'll leave the little details to you.
I'm going to go for a drive.
Lester? / Yes, miss? What took you so long? Would you like to go / go to the park, miss.
You read my mind.
/ Oh, well, then maybe you can tell me.
What's her favorite flower? Her favorite color? What she likes to drink? Roses, peach, perianguline.
Oh, well .
He's better than Dionne Warwick.
Oh, I'm telling you, Niles, I got a strange vibe from this whole marriage.
Bridal consultant's intuition? The last time I did a wedding with this level of excitement involved my cleaning girl and a green card.
And even she requested Quanton Amera.
Oh, mark my words, Jocelyn don't love the Duke.
Oh, British women are not known for displaying their passion.
Believe me, I've been there.
Niles, I'm telling you, be it Great Britain or Great Neck, women in love are all the same.
When I was engaged to Danny .
Hmm .
/ All right, pre-engaged.
I knew his favorite song, his favorite food, his favorite back wax.
I didn't miss a thing.
Except that little affair with Heather Biblow.
Well, now you know his favorite hobby.
Don't start with me, Niles.
I'm telling you, when a woman is in love with a man, she should be swept off her feet.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, I took a bit of a spill.
You can put me down now, Lester.
I'm fine.
No, miss, I insist on taking you up to your room.
Oh, he spoils me so.
Well, I got the song.
Baby You Could Drive My Car.
Mister Sheffield? Mister Sheffield, are you up? Mister Sheffield, it's me.
What is it? / You couldn't sleep either, huh? Miss Fine .
/ Oh, look, I never pictured you in pajamas like that.
Not that I pictured you without pajamas, although I could.
I've seen you naked.
Should I start again? No, let's forge ahead, shall we? I think you should call off the wedding 'cause your sister doesn't love the Duke.
She's in love with her chauffeur.
Jocelyn and Lester? / Hm-hmm.
Oh, my god! When did she tell you this? Oh, she has no idea.
Only you know and I know.
Even he don't know.
Let me get this straight.
My sister should not marry the Duke because she's in love with the chauffeur.
/ Right.
But she doesn't know it.
/ Nope.
Oh, well, then by all means, let's convince her.
Come on, let's, let's wake up the whole house.
We'll insist that she dump the Duke and all he has to offer, and run off with her penniless driver.
Oh, I knew you'd understand! Right.
We can talk about it in the morning.
Shrimp, baby lobster tails, and cracked crab.
Yeah.
If we were serving this in Flushing, we'd need a police barricade.
By the way, sharp outfit.
/ Oh, thanks.
Sonny Bono was having a yard sale.
Funny.
/ Think so.
Maybe I'll do it in my stand-up act.
You know, that would be a good thing to invite Maggie to.
Somehow I can't picture Maggie in the Half Shell Room at Benny's Clam Bar.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
Just because she's rich doesn't mean she can't fall for a schlep like you.
Gee, thanks.
Okay, who ate half the tush off the cupid? Gracie.
Not me.
I'm too nervous to eat.
She's very sensitive.
She senses doom.
Miss Fine, Grace senses doom at Disneyland.
Look, my sister has finally found the person she wants to settle down with, and I am not about to ruin her wedding day because you have a hunch.
Oh, you're probably right.
I mean, if your sister was really in love with the chauffeur, she would have told him years ago.
Oh, no, no, no, don't try that reverse psychology on me.
No, I'm agreeing with you.
Passion, smassion.
I've been reading too many books with Fabio on the cover.
So you're not going to interfere? Look, if you're asking me if I'm gonna bang on the church doors and scream "Elaine!", no.
Good.
Oh, would you just trust me? I promise you I am not going to say a word to Jocelyn.
Lester! Yes, Miss Fine? Les, I know that we haven't really spoken much, but I was thinking, why haven't you told Jocelyn that you're in love with her!? What!? I beg your pardon! You know, seize the day, car bay deon.
You speak Latin? / Well, pig.
Are my feelings that obvious? / Well, to a trained eye.
I could never presume to tell her such a thing.
Miss Jocelyn is beyond my reach.
She's back seat, I'm front seat.
You know, if you ever bothered to look in your rearview mirror, you would see that she's in love with you, too.
/ You sure? Yes.
She loves you, you love her .
Oh, boy, I've been watching too much Barney.
Oh, Miss Jocelyn and me .
It's just a fantasy.
You see, I have nothing to offer.
Except your undying love.
Ah, well, if only that were enough.
Mmm .
All this shrimp is fabulous.
I don't know why, I just love weddings.
Yeah, we all want what we can't have.
Maxwell, do you think you'll ever get married again? I hope so.
Oh, I love my children, but it does get a little lonely at times.
Poor baby, you know I'm always there for you.
Making lazy circles in the sky.
Lester .
Oh .
You look like an angel, miss.
Well, what are you doing here? Well, actually, miss, I've come to say goodbye.
You're leaving me? / Yes.
Well, you'll be living with the Duke and he's got his own staff.
But of course you'll be coming with me.
You'll love your new room.
It has a view of the moat.
You can barely hear the drawbridge.
Thank you, miss, but I'd rather not.
Well, best of luck.
/ Thank you .
May I kiss your hand, miss? / Please.
I've been very happy in my work.
You'll be awfully hard to replace.
I wish I could have done more for you, miss.
You're off to a jolly good start.
You look good, kid.
You look tough.
You feel okay? Yeah, yeah.
/ All right.
Go on out there and splatter those petals all over the floor.
Where is she? Oy .
Miss Fine, where's Jocelyn? It's time to give her away.
Too late.
She's already gone.
My God, what did you do!? Well, I didn't say anything to her.
Did you speak to Lester? / Oh, I talked to a million people today.
You think I remember every Tom, Dick and Harry? Um, ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing a little technical difficulties, so, uh, for your prenuptial enjoyment, the comic stylings of Mister Kenny Keroucas.
Huh? So how many of you have been Bar Mitzvahed? What's happened? / Oh, Nigel .
Jocelyn, is she all right? / Don't go in there.
Why not? / It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
I'll say.
Oh, Nigel, I'm terribly sorry.
/ I'm sorry, sir, but we're in love.
Yes, I see that.
Thank you.
Wow, he's taking it well.
Can't you see I'm heartbroken? Really, Miss Fine, how insensitive.
Oh, well, how are you supposed to know what you British are feeling? What do you all wear, mood rings? Nigel, please say you'll forgive me.
Well, it won't be easy, Joce.
We did have a bit of fun together.
Granted, not as much fun as you've had with the chauffeur.
I shall bow out gracefully with my head held high.
You know, you could sneak out that way.
/ Better yet.
All the best.
/ Ta-ta.
Puddle Duck, are you awfully disappointed in me? Oh, of course not, Mopsey.
I'm just sorry you didn't find happiness with Lester twenty years ago.
Who knew you could find true love in the back seat of a car? Anyone that's still living at home with their parents.
I've been thinking, seems a shame to waste all that food.
Oh, Lester, the answer's yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh .
Well, next time I get a hunch, I say we go to the track.
I remember what my dad told me.
He said, "Kenny, it doesn't matter what religion you are, or what the color of your skin is.
There'll always be people out there who aren't gonna like you, 'cause you're irritating.
" Oh, thank you, Kenny Kerocuas.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Kenny, you were great.
I'll be doing my whole act at Benny's Clam Bar this weekend Maybe you wanna go? / I'd love to.
Really? I just lost all respect for you.
Well, as they say, the show must go on.
So, all those on the bride's side, please remain seated.
All those on the groom's side can pick up their gifts on the way out.
Hit it .
Oh, I just love weddings.
/ Yes, me, too.
Oh, Niles, such a display for a Brit.
Well, I'm part French.
Miss Fine, you left the bouquet out there.
C.
C.
almost ran off with it.
Great catch, by the way.
Hey, I've been a bridesmaid so many times, I could out-jump the Shack.
It was a beautiful wedding, Miss Fine.
/ Hm-hmm.
I think Lester and Jocelyn really looked happy.
/ Yes, they did.
And to think they almost missed their chance.
/ Oh, I know.
In this day and age to have two people rule out love just because of class.
Imagine, being blind to the fact that you love someone just because they work for you.
I know.
It's unbelievable.
Yes, well, goodnight, Miss Fine.
Goodnight, Mister Sheffield.
Smart.
Put the money towards a castle.
That's not the line.
I got it, Morris.
I always, I say, I say.
I always say, save up for a house.
Sorry.
It is contagious.
/ Oh, no, I'm so sorry, audience.