The Neighborhood (2018) s01e17 Episode Script

1 Hey, Calvin.
What are you looking for? The newspaper.
That new paperboy hasn't hit my porch once since he started.
The closest he got was my truck.
And I was driving down the street at the time.
That's funny.
I found one right on my doorstep this morning, and I don't even get the paper.
Give me a dollar or give me my paper, Dave.
Okay, but spoiler alert: I read your horoscope, and today's gonna be a good day for romance.
[CHUCKLES.]
It already was.
Tina woke me up early this morning.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Gemma, what are you doing home? I had to come back to change.
My PE teacher didn't show up again, so I had to cover dodgeball for him.
Oh, that's a relief.
I thought you had got jumped into a gang.
I don't know what I've got to do to get through to Coach McCluskey.
I keep warning him, but he's always got some excuse.
His mother died twice, and then she was in a coma.
You know, if it were me, I would just sit him down, I would put my hand on his shoulder, and I would gently say "Your ass if fired.
" But that's so extreme.
I just keep hoping I can figure out a way to get him to shape up.
Yeah.
I keep hoping N.
W.
A will get back together, but Dr.
Dre just keeps selling headphones.
Calvin, found your paper.
You didn't read it in the bathroom, did you? I'm gonna go get you a dollar.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Do you think Calvin's right? Should I fire Coach McCluskey? Ooh, hold on.
Uh, is this one of those situations where you really want to hear what I think, or you just want me to support you? I absolutely want to hear what you think.
Okay, well, then I definitely think you should fire him.
But he's been there for years! But not before you give him at least one more chance.
- And make me look like a weak leader? - No.
I mean, yes.
I mean I mean, your hair looks great.
Dave, I'm serious.
This has been weighing on me all day.
All right, look, I wish that I could help you, but this is a decision that only you can make.
And whatever it is, I know it's gonna be the right one.
You're right.
I'm the boss.
It's my decision.
McCluskey has to go.
There.
I feel better already.
Are you talking about Coach McCluskey? He's the best.
Really? You think so? Yeah.
He takes naps and lets us watch movies.
One of them even showed a butt.
On the other hand, this guy sounds pretty cool.
Pop, are you gonna stand there all day waiting on the paperboy? If that's what it takes.
I'm not moving a damn inch till I give this kid a piece of my mind.
Who wants pancakes? Oh, I could eat.
Well, I'll take some pancakes, too.
Oh, and I'll take two years of back rent.
I'm You're on lookout duty.
- Yeah.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Oh, hey, Gemma.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
Is everything okay? Everything's fine.
I just decided Calvin was right.
I'm gonna fire McCluskey today.
Ah, good for you.
You should've fired that fool the second time his mother died.
Right, Calvin? I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything after "Calvin was right.
" It's just, I've never fired anyone before, and I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice.
Oh, you came to the right place.
Calvin loves firing people.
Yep, it's true.
Pops once fired a dude on the guy's wedding day.
And I was his best man.
[SIGHS.]
So what's the best way to do it? What you got to do is stay calm, confident and professional.
The last thing you want to do is go personal.
- [MAKES BUZZER SOUND.]
- Wrong.
Look, this dude has been messing with your life, right? Making you look bad.
You want to rip his throat out.
And you want to do it in front of people.
For example, his wedding party.
- Calvin! - What? Look, it sends a message.
And if it goes sideways, knock the cake over for a diversion.
Gemma, things are not gonna go sideways.
Oh, it went sideways back in the day, when you got fired from Pizza Hut.
That was different.
If Todd didn't want his finger broken, he shouldn't have been pointing it in my face! You getting all this great advice, Gemma? I think so.
Rip his throat out, knock over a cake, and don't point my finger in his face.
Sounds like you're good to go.
Hey, morning, Dad.
What are you doing here, Marty? Do I need a reason? Okay, can't a son just stop by and show some love to the two people that gave him life? Your mama made your lunch again.
It's turkey melt Tuesday.
I came out second, but I'm first in her heart.
Oh, here he comes, right here.
Uh, here who comes? That sorry-ass paperboy.
I'm about to make him cry harder than you did when Malcolm told you you were adopted.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
That wasn't Malcolm, Dad.
That was you.
[CHUCKLES.]
That does sound like me, doesn't it? Hold Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
Hey, turn that bike around and get back here.
I need to talk to you right now.
Marty, I want you to film this for YouTube.
I want to show the world it's still okay to yell at kids.
All right, take that helmet off, young man, while I talk to you.
See, that's the problem Y'all have no re spect.
Sorry, sir.
What were you saying? [CHUCKLING.]
: Oh! I I was saying I was saying I was I was saying I was saying you are doing a great job.
Yes, you are.
Hey, so, keep up the good work.
Thanks, mister.
Got to go finish my route.
Okay, you do that.
All right, and put your helmet on.
All right, remember, safety first.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- And got it.
[LAUGHS.]
Erase that right now, boy.
Erase that, now.
Hey, man.
I don't have to listen to you.
You're not my father.
[MOUTH FULL.]
: You wanted to see me, Johnson? Yes, Coach McCluskey.
Please have a seat.
Mmm.
You get at some of this banana bread from the teachers' lounge? - Uh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, here.
Finish mine.
It's my third piece anyway.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Is there anything else? Uh, yeah.
A lot else.
I've asked you to come in because we've talked about you being late, and I've given you several warnings.
And I've heard each and every one of them, which is why I made sure to get back on the right track.
And field.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
But have you? I mean, weren't you late on Friday? My alarm clock broke.
And then again yesterday? Dog stuff.
This meeting? I was getting you the banana bread.
Look, I've given you more than enough chances.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go.
What? You're firing me? Why? Literally everything I just said.
Does the board of trustees know about this? Because I play golf with half of them, and I always let them win.
Doesn't matter.
This is my decision to make, and it's final.
Okay.
Fine.
But can I say something before I leave? Go ahead.
You're a terrible principal.
Excuse me? You heard me.
[LAUGHS.]
: You're a joke, and everybody knows it.
The only reason why you got this job is because it made them look good to hire a woman.
Oh and also this.
Yeah, well joke's on you, 'cause I'm still gonna eat this! [DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
So? How'd it go? Great.
I sat him down, I looked him right in the eye, and I did what I had to do.
I even celebrated afterwards with a little banana bread.
I'm so proud of you, and so hoping that you brought home a little.
[CRYING.]
: Oh, Dave, I feel so terrible.
O-Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
Look I wouldn't have saved any for you, either.
Ooh, hey, Gemma, if you don't get up soon, you're gonna be late for work.
I'm not going in today.
I'm sick.
Really? Or are you just pretending to be sick because you're still upset about what McCluskey said yesterday? I'm sick.
[FAKE COUGH.]
See? Okay.
[SIGHS.]
This is not the way to handle this.
Why not? Grover fakes it.
And so did you when Mission: Impossible 6came out.
That was a legitimate sick day, because that movie was sick.
[SCOFFS.]
What if McCluskey's right? What if the only reason they did hire me is because I'm a woman? Maybe I'm not tough enough.
Are you kidding? Gemma, you've gotten test scores up and increased parent participation.
If the Mission: Impossibleteam needed a school principal, they'd choose you.
If you chose to accept it.
I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I'm worried everyone thinks I'm a joke.
McCluskey only said that because you had just fired him.
What'd you think he was gonna do, give you a hug? No, but if he needed one, I would've given it to him.
Okay this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get up, we're gonna take a shower, we're gonna get dressed, and we're gonna show up to that school with our head held high.
- Ugh, come on.
- Ugh, okay.
There we go.
That's the strong woman I married.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
You're not coming out of there, are you? GEMMA: Nope.
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY.]
Roast beef on rye.
See, that's a man's lunch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait, no juice box? Hey, Pop, since when do you read the news on an iPad? Since I still can't find my newspaper.
Oh, so what'd you do, lay into that little dude so hard yesterday you scared him off for good? Yeah, Pop, tell him all about the big beat-down.
I decided to handle things a different way.
You know, be the bigger man.
You mean the only man.
You know, I'm starting to feel a lot less bad about taking your juice box.
Wait.
So what's the deal, Pop? Why couldn't you lay down the law? Well, the paperboy turned out to be a papergirl.
Yeah, you should've seen him, man.
Dad went from thug life to hug life.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait, I get it.
You couldn't reprimand her because she's a female.
Look, I don't want to make a little girl cry.
I mean, what kind of monster do you think I am? I don't know.
The kind that would make his son cry by telling him he was adopted.
[CHUCKLES.]
But that was funny, though.
Pop, Pop.
Don't you see that by treating her differently, you're actually creating a double-standard which is sexist? Sexist? Yep.
It's called "being a gentleman," which, I understand, may be completely lost on your generation.
I mean, when I was your age, we held ladies' doors, we pulled out their chairs You made sure they couldn't vote.
My man.
[LAUGHS.]
Let's just say we're from two different times.
All right? Back in the day, women were women, and men were men.
Mmm, red.
Hey, Tina.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question? Gem is really beating herself up about what happened at school.
She didn't even go to work today.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Coach McCluskey told her that the only reason she got the job was because she was a woman.
[SCOFFS.]
Typical.
Weak, little man threatened by a woman in power.
Mm.
It's Pizza Hut all over again.
Well, I-I don't know why, but for whatever reason, she's believing this loser.
[SIGHS.]
You men just don't get it.
In the working world, women are always made to feel less than.
So, even if a jerk says something that isn't true, you can't help but doubt yourself.
Just makes me want to snip some sense into y'all.
Okay, well, how can I fix this for her? What what, do I beat up McCluskey? [LAUGHS.]
Please, Dave, that won't fix anything.
Oh, thank God, 'cause that guy's huge.
[SIGHS.]
You know, Dave, what you can do is figure out a way to remind her of how strong and capable she is, and that she knows what she's doing.
I mean, don't you do stuff like this at your job? Well, yeah.
Sure, there are aspects of corporate consulting where I use team building to motivate CEOs and their employee Right, right, right, right, all of that.
You know what? Actually I just got an idea.
Oh, Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave.
You're not gonna show her one of those silly Mission: Impossiblemovies that you're always talking about, right? I'm gonna come up with another idea.
A rock-climbing gym? You told me we were going to get frozen yogurt.
And we will.
But first, I need to remind you of your own strength.
Well, it's taking a lot of strength for me to not freak out right now.
I was promised Froyo, Dave.
Look, Gemma, I know that you're doubting yourself at work.
And when you're up on that wall, you're probably gonna doubt whether you can make it to the top, but once you do, the next time you doubt yourself, you're gonna think back to this, and you're gonna say, [SIGHS.]
"Damn, I have an awesome husband.
" Hey, guys.
Whoa, Calvin, you look great.
Rocking that harness.
Well, this harness is chafing my rocks.
Wait.
What are you guys doing here? Tina told me we were getting frozen yogurt.
We will all go out to frozen yogurt right after Gemma conquers this mountain.
Your treat.
Yes, it's my treat.
Dave, I really don't feel like doing this.
Can we please just leave? Gemma, this is going to work.
I promise.
But I don't think I can do it.
Yes, you can, Gemma.
You're gonna get up there, and you're gonna make this wall your bitch.
I'm sorry, sweetie, you'll understand when you're making 70 cents to a man's dollar.
Damn, look at all of this.
Oh, I am.
Your booty look good in that thing, girl.
[LAUGHS.]
You ain't lying.
It's like a face-lift for the butt.
I know what I'm getting you for my birthday.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Where did Dave go? I don't know.
I feel like Spider-Man in this thing.
Really? 'Cause you look more like Peter Pan.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna attach this end of the rope to your harness, and the other end is attached to mine.
Okay, so if you slip, my body weight will prevent you from falling.
Your body weight? Please.
You're built like a cricket.
I'll have you know that crickets are beloved in Asia, both for their voices and crunchy deliciousness.
Okay.
Here I go.
All right.
Show 'em what you're made of.
All right, come on, Gemma, you got this.
TINA: Come on, Gemma.
You go, Gemma! Yeah, hurry up.
I'm starting to lose circulation in some very important places.
[GRUNTS.]
I don't think I can reach the next handhold.
Yes, you can.
Do not give up on yourself.
Let's go.
I'm not.
The exercise worked.
I'm powerful, I'm strong.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I know that you can make it to the top.
To show my faith in you, I'm gonna unhook my safety line.
No.
Dave! No! Dave, what are you doing? - She could fall.
- No, man.
She's not gonna fall.
She's pretty sure she is.
Gemma.
Don't move.
I'm-I'm coming up to help.
Yeah, help her, baby.
Okay.
Yeah, all right.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
This is [GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Whoa.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ah.
Okay.
On second thought, you're-you're doing great up there.
Dave, hook her back in before she falls.
She's fine.
She's not gonna fall, okay? There's padding everywhere.
No one ever really gets hurt in these places.
Oh, my God, it's broken.
I know it's broken.
Okay.
I think I've made my point.
- I'm gonna hook you back in.
- TINA: We-we're coming.
Okay.
I-I can't do it.
I'm coming down.
- Oh, Dave, cut it out.
- CALVIN: Oh.
It wasn't me.
It was me.
Stop quitting on yourself, or you're getting more foam rocks to the butt.
Calvin, light her ass up.
Oh.
What? Oh.
[GRUNTS.]
- Come on, baby.
- Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Please, stop throwing rocks at my wife.
W-We're just trying to help.
It's obvious she can't do it by herself.
Hey.
You don't know what I can do.
[EXHALES.]
This is for Coach McCluskey and his stupid misogyny.
[GRUNTS, PANTS.]
And this is how angry I am for letting him get to me.
[GRUNTS, PANTS.]
And this is for eating that disgusting blob of banana bread.
You got this, Gemma! Just one more! [GRUNTING.]
: And this is for anyone who thinks I can't be a badass, powerful woman in this patriarchal society, because I am! [CHEERING.]
- I did it! - Yeah, you did it! That's my friend! That's my friend! I gotta admit, that little white girl is gangsta.
All right, now, come on down.
Let's go get some Froyo.
Whoa! Whoa! Wha? O-Okay, you guys can meet us there.
Dave, throw down your wallet.
Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold on, hold on.
Let me talk to you for a minute.
[SIGHS.]
Now, look.
I know I told you you were doing a great job, but the other day, I saw how strong women can really be.
So that's why I have to tell you the truth.
You are the worst paper-person of all time.
I mean, like straight trash.
Okay? And treating you like a princess is only holding you back from your full potential.
Now, you need to wake up earlier, deliver the paper on time, and for God's sake, work on your damn aim.
I mean, I'm only saying this because I'm a feminist.
Okay, sorry.
I'll try harder.
Good.
All right.
Oh, damn, she forgot to give me my paper.
Oh, don't Damn, good arm.
I should've adopted her.