The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e17 Episode Script

The merchandise has arrived.
We only ordered 12.
There are 13 here.
One of them is a spy.
Kill them all! "The Order of the Crimson Dragon.
"The tong originated in the northern provinces of China.
"Reputed to be centered in the Hunan province "and long outlawed by the ruler, "His Celestial Majesty, Prince Shikai.
"A proven membership in the sect, bringing the automatic death penalty.
" Well, at least we've identified the lady's political affiliation, but what else did we get? Oh, one of our fellow passengers gave me a great recipe for Cantonese egg roll.
Well, at least we know they're coming from Hunan province.
Great.
The opium is coming in from China.
Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down too much, does it? I can understand the opium, but where are all those coolies disappearing to? Maybe they're being used to stuff fortune cookies.
Oh, come on, Jim.
It's not all a total loss.
After all, uh, we did help the police get three bales of opium.
That's not pea pods and bean sprouts.
And it's not enough, either.
Well, one thing's for sure.
This is a lot bigger than any tong war.
Hatchets and daggers and poison, but a Gatling gun The Crimson Dragons have gone modern.
So the Crimson Dragons can wipe out the Sons of the Stalking Tiger wholesale.
Maybe the Stalking Tiger would like to follow suit.
Artemus, if you were to pose as an illegal armament salesman And walk right into the middle of all of those hatchets and poisoned darts Oh, if we were successful, we might discover some highly unusual information.
Yeah, and if we weren't, we'd be pulling me out of San Francisco Bay.
What do you think Washington pays you the big money for and surrounds you in all this luxury? I thought it was because I had charm.
What's this? I don't know.
It came in this afternoon's mail.
Nobody sends me a surprise.
Here, you open it.
Oh, thank you very much.
The inscrutable Oriental mind being what it is, the honor's all yours.
Well, break it open.
There may be a coolie in there.
"In the house of delights, even the painful truth is sugar sweet.
" I'll drink to that whatever it means.
It means that my assignment is going to prove to be a lot more interesting than yours.
I've heard it rumored that in the house of delights, even a painful truth is sugar sweet.
What's your opinion? Pardon? I not understand.
We both know that this restaurant is just a front for an opium parlor.
I realize that I'm a stranger, but if the price were right, do you think you could arrange an appointment? Your words have much beauty in them, but they are wasted on this uneducated handmaiden.
Allow me, and I will send you one who's better qualified to discuss the subject you have raised.
Please, somebody, help me! Help me! Help! Please, somebody, help me! Please, somebody, help me! Please.
Help me please.
Estimable one, how may this most miserable and unworthy creature express his inexpressible gratitude for such an act of charitable mercy? By talking.
Oh, I will talk.
You see before you one who was the fastest hatchet man in all Far East, but whose life has become a tedious chronicle of excessive failures.
Better if you had left me to the knives.
I'm beginning to agree with you.
Even this job- a simple assassination, a cut-and-dry piecework, as it were, the sort of enterprise I once would have spit on- and even so, I bungled it.
Well, you saw.
Was it not a disgrace? If it's true that an Oriental can't get to heaven without his pigtail, you better forget your life story and start talking.
Who hired you, the tong? No, they shunned me like an odious outcast.
It was the contractor.
Contractor.
A man who functions on behalf of itinerant hatchet men for a percentage of their salaries.
Oh, it's a thriving business.
If you and I were together Never mind that.
Why did someone want me assassinated? Well, there were rumors of a shadowy figure of great power, of tremendous treachery- an Englishman.
They say his heart as black as onyx.
Have you not heard of him? No.
But the contractor would know.
Where do I find him? Number seven Nightingale Lane.
He has a shop.
His name is Quong Wai.
Please, I tried to kill you, but it was nothing personal.
Oh, of course not.
All in a day's work.
You're excused.
I don't need you anymore.
Oh, but we cannot separate.
Surely you are aware of ancient Chinese custom- he who saves another's life is forevermore responsible for that life.
Henceforth, I mean to abide as closely with you as your own shadow.
Mr.
West? Uh, Mr.
West not here.
This unworthy one speak only Cantonese and some little English.
Uh, yes.
Have message for Mr.
West- very private very personal.
Chop, chop.
Uh Uh, there was something else? This most unworthy person was informed there would be some small token for favor received.
Oh oh, yes, oh, yes.
One of these days I've got to stop answering that door.
Oh, they don't pay enough for this job.
Bet you can't break that one.
Surprise! All right, Charlie, don't Sorry, Mr.
Gordon.
This most unfortunate condition will disappear quickly.
The only effects will be a severe headache.
Our independent contractor? The late Quong Wai.
Quite a distinctive calling card.
The Order of the Crimson Dragon.
Don't move.
Again you saved this miserable creature's unworthy life! I'm beginning to wonder why.
I was told you were resourceful, Mr.
West.
It pleases me to see that my informants did not mislead me.
And mine have been falling down on the job.
Wang Chung.
My, uh, therapeutic diversions.
Happily, I have a most unorthodox physician.
I must get his name.
I have been following your activities with unflagging interest.
Oh? I refer to your probing of the alien and opium smuggling in behalf of your government.
Your informants have been busy.
In my awesomely lengthy lifetime, I have been many things, Mr.
West, including prime minister to the House of Ching in the province of Hunan.
Hunan? The birthplace of the Order of the Crimson Dragon.
It is I who am impressed, Mr.
West.
But perhaps you do not know that the emperor replaced this organization of assassins with a new tong, the Sons of the Stalking Tiger.
Which you represent.
Exactly.
Unfortunately, Emperor Wu has finally surrendered the thread of life to which he has so long clung.
My condolences.
In the absence of any accredited heir apparent the royal throne was, uh- well, as you Americans put it- up for grabs.
There is a point here somewhere.
There is.
An evil man has determined for his own selfish reasons to seize the throne of the late emperor.
An Englishman, with a heart as black as onyx.
You are better informed than I thought.
His name is Clive Allenby-Smythe.
He is the man you and your government have so exhaustively sought.
I'm listening.
Smythe served in China for 17 years with Her Majesty's dragoons before being ignobly cashiered.
He promptly dropped from sight, was eventually presumed dead.
But two things kept him alive- his hatred for Britain and his secret.
Don't tell me- there's a true claimant to the Hunan throne.
The true successor is Princess Ching Ling.
And it's Smythe's plan to take over the throne, hand it over to the princess with him pulling the puppet strings, of course.
An ambition which requires both money and manpower.
The opium and the coolies.
There's just one flaw in this elaborate design.
He does not know the whereabouts of Princess Ching.
And without her, his plan can't succeed.
It is no longer safe for the princess to remain in this country.
Since she wishes no part of Allenby-Smythe's bizarre plot, I have determined to remove her to China at once.
The ship sails at midnight.
Doesn't give you much time, does it? It doesn't give you much time, Mr.
West.
It is you who will deliver Princess Ching to the ship.
You've got it wrong.
I work for the United States government.
Correction, please.
In case you fail to recognize the figure on the dais, Mr.
West, it is your associate, whose name is, I believe, Artemus Gordon.
The hourglass has been set so that at precisely the knife will plunge into your friend's heart, unless, of course, the princess is aboard the ship.
You've made your point.
I was told to give this to you by the man in the wheelchair.
Enter.
I will fetch the merchandise.
I will be but a moment.
Good evening, Mr.
West.
Don't tell me.
Allenby-Smythe.
At your service, sir.
It could get very messy.
Just what I was beginning to think myself, old chap.
Wouldn't be right.
To force wholesale bloodshed? In conscience, I'd hate to be responsible.
"Conscience," you say? Expediency long ago forced me to dispense with that luxury.
You'll be dispensing with more than that if you force things right now.
Nevertheless, Mr.
West, I intend to force things.
Mr.
Chu has the princess, whom I want.
Now, if I'm forced to obliterate one or two lives in the process, I'm perfectly willing to do so.
It has occurred to you you may lose your own life.
I'm a soldier, Mr.
West.
A soldier must take risks to gain his objective.
Well, Mr.
Chu, do we get the princess or do we begin to shoot? My friends and I would prefer to avoid a scene of bloody violence.
Are you going to let him bluff you? I don't believe the colonel is bluffing.
To accede to his demands seems the only workable solution.
You mean, you won't fight? Not even for your own princess? To court eternity is foolish, but the brave have a tendency to die young.
Very sensible of you, Mr.
Chu.
How nice to meet you, my dear.
Well, Mr.
West, that was an interesting encounter.
I do trust you won't find it too, uh frustrating, hmm? One shot and he's a dead man.
Now drop your guns, all of you.
Don't be silly, West, let me go.
My men will kill the princess.
Again, very sensible, Mr.
Chu.
I trust there will be no further heroics? Excellent.
Bring him to me.
Take her to May Li.
There's just one thing left to be done.
Wang Chung.
We must draw the fangs of the Stalking Tiger.
I say, old chap, you seem to be in a bit of a fix.
Yes, you get me out, please, sir? What an ingenious arrangement very ingenious.
When the sand runs out, the lever is raised, the candle burns through the rope, which releases the weight and drives the knife straight through your heart.
Yes, you get me out, please, huh? Just a thought, of course, but in my opinion, they're they're using too much weight.
It'll drive the blade right through your body into the table.
Might get a bit messy getting it out, hmm? Uh, yes.
Sir, the sand.
The sand? Uh-huh.
Oh, the sand, yes, quite.
Well, it looks as though you haven't got much time left.
Um a few moments for a confession, perhaps? This unworthy one is called Captain Sumetra.
I came to the Sons of the Stalking Tiger to offer my humble services as a armaments expert.
Armaments expert? Really? Yes.
This miserable one quoted very nominal fee.
Wang Chung proved to be most unreasonable.
When I suggested that the Order of the Crimson Dragon might pay more, they put me in this position.
Very distressing.
Barbarous, my dear fellow, absolutely barbarous.
Yes.
But, as I said before, it is very ingenious.
I imagine it'll be some time before you haggle over money again.
I would work for nothing, sir, most exalted one- just for the privilege of being moved some small distance from this knife, huh? Yes, yes, I rather imagine you would.
Sir! Colonel.
Colonel Smythe.
What is it? It's the princess.
We have been tricked.
What do you mean? The girl they brought to us is an impostor.
The real princess must still be with Quong Chu.
Gently, Mr.
West, gently.
Sudden exertion after exposure to the darts can be very dangerous.
What time is it? You are thinking of your friend, Mr.
Gordon.
There is still plenty of time to save him, Mr.
West.
Oh, sure.
All I have to do is rescue the princess from Smythe and get her aboard ship before midnight.
Put her aboard ship, yes, but it will not be necessary to remove her from the colonel's custody.
The real princess.
Precisely.
You should have told me.
If honorable Secret Service agent will forgive, he gave us no time.
We had to interfere before serious damage was done.
It certainly was effective.
How long have I been out? Long enough for tong of Crimson Dragon to discover it has been tricked.
I suggest you go quickly.
Quickly, yes, but first What was that for? Did you not risk your life to save the life you thought was mine? I must say, I appreciate your appreciation.
But as your friend said, time is of the essence.
Would it not be worth a considerable sum to see the expression on the face of Colonel Allenby-Smythe when he discovers the deception, Mr.
West? That depends.
What is it? You wanted to see the expression on the colonel's face? You'll never have a better opportunity.
A royal prerogative, Mr.
West.
And royally executed, but this is hardly the time or place.
Why not? Well, for one reason, there are about 12 thugs out there looking for us.
They haven't found us, have they? No, not yet.
And if they do, you'll take care of it.
Mmm.
Like I did back there? You got hit by our side.
You were doing fine till then.
Are you sure you're a real princess? Why? Well, you're not like any princess I've ever known.
Hmm.
And just how extensive is your acquaintanceship among princesses? Limited.
You see? Are you sure you want to go back to Hunan and become an empress? No.
But you're going anyway.
It is my destiny.
But very dull.
Very.
I shall undoubtedly be married off to some old diplomat to cement the friendship between tongs and loyalties between provinces.
I'm beginning to understand.
There really isn't much time.
Just beginning? You are occasionally slower than you are reputed to be, Mr.
West.
Well, I'm a lot more reliable once I understand the situation.
How long have you been here? Long enough to observe that the divinity of princesses does not refer only to her divine origin.
Hmm.
You're a philosopher.
Oh, among other things.
There must be some reason for you being here.
This worthless one was of the opinion that honorable master and the princess would like to get out of here.
Now, the idea did occur to me, but that was a little earlier.
This most humble servant can arrange.
Can he? I doubt it.
A fine thing to say, and from one who has nothing to lose.
All right, arrange.
Ah.
It will take but a minute.
Please wait here.
You did not even miss this unworthy servant.
Well, that's not true.
Ask the princess.
I was pining away.
Ah.
Now, where were we? You! As I told you at the outset, I'm lamentably lacking in character.
And a man, even a has-been hatchet man, does have to eat.
Nothing personal, of course.
Ah, I knew you understand.
Welcome to the Imperial Mandarin, Mr.
West.
Oh, but then you have already tasted of the delights here.
I was interrupted before I had the chance.
What a pity.
Well, perhaps some other time, hmm? Oh I forgot.
There won't be another time, will there? You have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions, Smythe.
I must say, I admire your confidence.
Captain Sumetra.
We rescued the captain when we attacked the lair of the Stalking Tiger.
He's really quite a valuable acquisition to us, in view of the fact that he's an armaments expert.
Captain.
I would like you to meet a guest.
Captain, this is Mr.
West.
Ah, yes, Mr.
West, the one who has proved such a thorn.
The very one.
Not in the least dangerous-looking, I would say.
Shortly, he will be even less dangerous-looking.
Prepare him! Will you do the honors, Captain? No, don't! It would appear that Mr.
West has an admirer.
Estimable lady may have a point.
Oh? You need trained officers.
You could perhaps use this worthless one.
Are you really suggesting that we should free a man who has proven himself to be an enemy? Perhaps he can be persuaded to our point of view.
Mr.
West is a dedicated man, Captain.
I don't think that he would be open to persuasion.
Colonel, given the opportunity, the time and the implements, I could convince the devil to serve tea.
Perhaps you're right.
After all, there's always the chopping block, and Mr.
West can always die just as attractively at a later date.
Besides, anticipation does rather enhance the fulfillment.
It is so.
Possibly a look at our preparations might convince him.
Our preparations? You see, Mr.
West, how easy it is for some people to give their loyalty? Now, could it be my leadership, perhaps or gratitude for his rescue? I doubt it.
Money, I heard, can buy anything.
Captain? Well whichever.
Only loyalty, Mr.
West, will maintain the status quo between your head and your shoulders.
I'm still a long way from being convinced.
But at least you're interested in being convinced.
I am interested in staying alive.
Yes.
Take the princess to her quarters.
Captain.
Mr.
West.
Just a few of my necessary supplies, Mr.
West.
And at this moment, construction on my flagship is nearly complete.
It waits only for the armament, which I will supply.
Then my army will embark for the Gulf of Hunan.
You're not in Hunan yet, Colonel.
But I will be- in less than a month, Mr.
West.
Less than a month, with 1,000 trained troops- superbly trained- just ten miles from here.
With the princess and these troops, the province of Hunan is as good as in the colonel's control.
By the time your government becomes aware of that, Mr.
West, it will be too late.
It will have its hands very full explaining the interpretation of the British foreign office.
Which is that the United States endorsed this venture as a means of furthering its own commercial interests in the Far East.
I never had much of a stomach for traitors.
It appears apparent to me, Captain Sumetra, that it will take far more than gentle persuasion to alter Mr.
West's disposition towards us and our project.
Bring him! Our own little steam bath, Mr.
West.
If you'll touch the walls of the cell, you'll find that they're extremely hot.
At high tide, the water that you hear below you will rise to meet the superheated pipes.
Live lobsters were once boiled in here by the carload.
I get the picture.
Uh in the event the estimable occidental sees the wisdom of accepting the colonel's offer he will call? I'll call.
Good.
What is the meaning of this? The moment of truth, my dear chap.
I'm afraid I have no further time for playing games.
Well, Captain? I can't honest I can't understand it- I know I had them fooled! How could he have found out? Ah This most unworthy one hopes that most honorable agents will not be too uncomfortable? Most unfortunate.
But a man must eat, right? Huh.
Most true, exalted one, most true.
Who was that? Oh, just an old and trusted friend.
James, my boy, is there something you want to tell me? Not particularly.
Have any idea when high tide is? I don't know.
Care to wait and see? Not particularly.
I hope it works.
It works.
I hope it works in time.
You learn something every day.
What are we learning from this? How a lobster feels before it gets to the plate.
Let's get out of here.
You take care of Smythe, I'll go after the princess.
Make it fast; I'm going to set a time fuse in the munitions room.
Too bad, Mr.
West.
This is where it ends.
Mr.
West.
Princess.
Did I not tell you you would succeed? I wish I could keep you around.
You're great for my self-confidence.
You all right? I'm fine.
Where's Smythe? He won't be joining us.
Oh, that's too bad.
And now I suggest, since this is the princess' last night in San Francisco, that we make it a memorable one.
Well, wasn't there some small problem about getting her aboard ship before midnight? Well, since it's long past midnight and Smythe is no longer with us, I see no necessity for haste.
Do you, Princess? None whatsoever.
Well they do say three's a crowd.
I don't suppose the princess would have a friend? Ah Have most beauteous handmaiden, who would be most grateful for evening of pleasure with honorable occidental gentleman.
Most unworthy occidental gentleman would be delighted.
Since this restaurant has gone out of business rather abruptly, may I suggest a place just a little down the street? Not Chinese, I hope.
No? Mr.
West I'm facing a lifetime of rice, bean sprouts and Mandarin duck.
Was there anything special you had in mind? Um Have either of you gentlemen ever tasted lasagna? And fettuccine.
Oh, and chicken à la Marsala with mushrooms and anchovies.
And none of us will be hungry an hour later.
Oh yes!