Trophy Wife s01e17 Episode Script

I'm so sorry, officer.
She's a nervous flyer, you know? She probably just grabbed the flight attendant's butt - out of fear.
- Yeah, fear that butt was getting away.
Please thank the airline for not pressing charges, and thank you for your service.
Oh.
Kiss-ass.
Yeah, keeping people out of jail is one of my most annoying qualities.
- Ooh, you got a feisty one here, Katie.
- Yes, I do.
And you know how I feel about the gingers.
Mmm! I loves to walk that red carpet.
Oh - Yeah! - Oh! Get ready for some razzin', Pete.
I love jokes about my crotch.
Oh, kids, hey.
Hey.
This is my Mom, Cricket.
- Come here and give your old Cricket a kiss.
- Wow.
I didn't know - Mwah! - Oh, my.
Oh, and this must be Warren.
What a soft face.
- Thank you.
- And look at you! It's Bert, dressed like an elderly man.
Oh! Look at the three of you.
Oh, I've already got my favorite, and it's Bert.
Okay, I got to hit the can.
- Thanks.
- Have fun.
Okay, guys, let's look for my conservative, asexual parents.
Petey-bird! - Hey! - Oh! - Hey, Pop.
- Oh, Bert! Hi, sweetheart.
Uh, afraid we've got some bad news.
Uh, right off the bat, huh? Great aunt Margaret decided she couldn't fly down for the wedding.
- Understandable, since she is 108.
- That's too bad.
I was really looking forward to meeting her.
- I've heard so many great stories.
- Great lady.
Pete, your father needs something to eat.
Would you ask him what he wants? - Hey, Pop, what do you want for lunch? - Uh, I was thinking steak.
- He's thinking steak.
- Steak sounds nice.
- Steak sounds good? - Guess who got the handicap stall? What's up? You must be the Franceses.
Oh, get in here.
Mwah! You! Get over here.
Mwah! - Wow! - Gosh, it is so great to meet the people who pooped out this guy.
Been here 20 minutes he already bailed me out of jail.
It's a great story.
I'll tell you in the car.
Okay.
We'll get the luggage.
Oh, hello.
Nice bum.
Where ya from? Ha ha! Dad! Nice butt.
Where do you live? Well, the good news is, your mom will fill the silences left by my parents' loveless marriage.
Uh, yeah, she'll do a lot more than that.
But, hey, we're all here for our wedding.
- It's exactly what I wanted.
- Mm, yeah, me too.
- Go! Go, go, go! - What? What? What are you doing? Drug-sniffing dogs.
That's your mother's luggage.
- Go.
Go.
Go.
- Oh, right.
Good call.
1x17 - The Wedding, part 2 Okay.
Here we are.
Oh, you know what, Mom, before I give you the tour, I just want to show you something.
Okay.
Hold up, people! Is this a panini press? - See? Here, Mom.
- Yeah.
It's the wedding from "the Muppets take Manhattan.
" It's sort of the vibe that I'm going for.
What is this like 20 bottles? Mom, will you stop snooping and just focus on Kermit for a second? No! I'm so excited for you! My little girl done good! Big house, three kids, keeping it tight! - Yeah.
- Oh! I have presents.
I got a butterfly knife for Bert - Whoa.
- Uh some Canadian Playboys for the gentle one, - and for Hillary - Thank you.
You know, Mom, that is so thoughtful of you.
Uh, uh, it's just that here, these kids have different rules than I had growing up, - so we can't, um - No.
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, well, I thought that the grandmother was supposed to spoil the grandchildren, but apparently not.
All right.
Well, now we know.
Next time I visit, I'll just bring a loaf of wheat bread.
Where the bidet? So looks like you and me are gonna be bunking together.
Ah, lucky me.
So, uh, I got a new job prefab decks over with Carl Wheeler and his sons.
Yeah, congratulations, but, Pop, remember y-you retired? Well, that's the thing about that.
Ooh, let me guess.
Mom doesn't know.
Oh, she's got plenty to think about, what with whatever it is she does all day.
Dad, what does Mom think you do all day? Well, the thing about that is, I get up, put on my golf clothes, head to work, sell some decks, change back into golf clothes - and come home.
- Foolproof.
Meg, good.
You're here.
Okay.
- So, we need the votives, stemware, centerpieces - Settle down, Barfa Stewart.
- You're in charge of the boring stuff.
- Well, what are you doing? Oh, I got some naughty cupcakes for the wedding night.
- Where can I put them? - Uh, not there.
The fridge is filled with food for the rehearsal dinner.
Ugh, who refrigerates shrimp? Meg, please.
Okay, I really need your help.
My list has 18 items, and yours fits on your hand.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for reminding me.
- Uh, see ya.
- Wait.
No! I need to get all this stuff, and I can't drive.
It's easy right foot gas, left foot brake.
Okay okay Classic.
- Meg has left Hillary with all the work.
- Okay.
All done.
Oh! What? Are you kidding me? No! I could just eat you guys up! Ooh! - Chomp, chomp, chomp! - You two look adorable! - Mom, Mom, Jackie.
- Yeah? - We've discussed this - Mm-hmm.
and we no longer want to be called "adorable".
We are best men, not best boys, and men are not adorable.
You're right.
This is serious, and it should be treated as such.
You better put some pants on 'cause I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself! Chomp, chomp! Ooh, I could eat you! Yum, yum.
Check, check, check.
Um, the centerpieces go in the center.
Good.
Okay.
- Oh, I sold our house.
- What? What's this a Shirley Temple? Uh, uh When did you sell the house? Two months ago.
Went like that.
I bought a condo in Florida.
I haven't told your father.
Of course you haven't.
I think it would be better for him to hear it from you.
What happens when I'm not around? Hey, Pete.
We'll just be in and out.
Mom, Jackie, okay.
Here's some stuff that I need for tomorrow.
- There you go.
- I will take this, and I will take that.
- Jackie.
- The irony is palpable.
- Ah, yeah, right? - Yeah.
Let's palp it down.
What are we talking about? We are doing the work of four bridesmaids, and they've only invited us to the wedding to be polite.
Oh! Diane, you loco.
Okay, they love us.
Kate she can't get enough of me.
She's always like, "Jackie, you're here again!" - Jackie.
- Frances! - Oh, Diane.
- Oh, Frances.
I've barely seen you two.
You will stay for dinner, won't you? Yes! Yes, we Oh, thank you for that genuine invitation.
Uh, yes, it's a lovely, polite gesture.
Aww.
I think your mom just invited your ex-wives to our rehearsal dinner.
She also sold the house without telling dad.
How's that gonna affect his secret job? Well, uh, that's the thing about that.
Oh, god.
Meg is showing dad her new tattoo, which is so close to her breasts.
It's infected, but you you get the gist.
I love it.
We're doing it.
Our whole family's here.
We got it going on.
- Bring it in.
- Bring it.
Hi, I'm Cricket, Kate's Mom.
Hi! Oh - Mwah! - Mwah! Oh - Mwah! - Mwah! I'm Jackie.
I'm Kate's sister from another mister.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Mm.
Ow.
- I'm Diane.
Oh, my god! Awww! - Oh, you look so adorable! - Look, you guys match! Damn it! How does one get a name like Cricket? Oh, I used to hide behind the refrigerator and chirp.
And now your final course.
Oh, I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
What? Oh! Okay, buddy.
Take it easy, buddy.
- There's kids.
- Go, Dad.
It's your party.
Oh! Why don't we get the ki - Okay.
Bedtime.
Let's go.
- Nothing to see here.
- But there's a dance party! - Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go out.
You're out.
You're out.
Oh, great.
Okay.
Uh, here comes here comes dessert.
- Mom, did you hire a stripper? - What? No! And now - dessert.
- Oh, geez.
I hired two strippers! What, what! Really? Really, Cricket? - Come on! Whoo! - I don't think we're in Ohio anymore.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh.
- Yeah.
Meg, really? I am so sorry about all of this.
I really am.
What are you sorry about? About how much fun you just had? No way I was letting my little girl get married without having a bachelorette party.
Cricket, it wasn't a bachelorette party.
- It was a rehearsal dinner.
- With children.
It was funny.
People with senses of humor would have found that funny.
Kate thought it was funny, didn't you, Kate? No, Mom, I didn't think it was funny, and you're embarrassing me in front of my family.
Well I'm gonna hit the hay.
Yeah.
Well, I I think I'll go make a grocery list - for when we get back home.
- Excellent idea.
I think I'll go make a grocery list at home, as well.
Jackie, let's go.
Why are you going home to make a grocery list? I want to see what happens.
- Jackie.
- Oh! Let's go.
See? You made everyone uncomfortable.
I did? No, no, Mom.
You showed up in handcuffs, and you brought weapons and lingerie.
Now Bert, he wants tear-away pants for Christmas.
You know, this is the first I've heard of this.
Why didn't you just say something? Mom, this is supposed to be my dream wedding weekend, okay?! - I didn't want to get angry! - Oh, snap! I think somebody's got a Bridezilla on their hands, okay? Ugh! I'll be on my air mattress.
Hope I don't embarrass anyone while I'm farting and breathing like a person.
- Wow.
- I'm so glad we're already married, or I don't know if we would have gotten through this.
Sounds like Dad's sleep-apnea machine is up and running.
If you need me in the next eight hours, I'll be staring at the ceiling.
Hey.
My Dad just spooned me.
Sure.
Yeah.
No, I'll be here till the wedding.
Then I'll just rush out vows, smooch, cake - and be right back on the bucket.
- That's every little girl's dream.
Why did I think it was a good idea for us to invite our parents? Because it's a wedding tradition.
You invite your parents, and then you immediately regret it.
I just thought that just for me, just for one day, - it wouldn't be the Cricket show.
- Well, at least you tried.
- All I do is sigh.
- You know what I would do? I would lock up man Francis and lady Frances in a room, blurt our their secrets, and then just run.
You would do that for me? Sure, if you'll get my Mom to stop acting like Gary Busey in a Tube top.
That's who she reminds me of.
Thank you.
- Frances, what are you doing? - I'm cleaning the dishwasher.
You know what? I have a mess for you to clean up in the bedroom.
Oh, how exciting! Where's the mess? The mess is your relationship with Francis.
Aw, what's all the fuss? I just took my pants off.
No, no.
You two need to talk.
And I'm not letting you out until you air your dirty laundry.
Oh, damn it! Really? Really? You'd rather escape than talk to each other? - What's there to talk about? - Everything's fine.
Oh, yeah? All right.
Well, man francis got a secret job, and lady Frances, she sold your house and bought a condo in Florida.
Boom! Now talk it out.
Yell at each other.
Whatever you got to do.
- So.
- Well, better get to it.
That dishwasher won't clean itself.
Yes, it will.
The dishwasher cleans itself every time it cleans the dishes.
I read online that once you start shaving, it starts growing back like crazy.
Shave today, beard tomorrow.
Wow! My skin feels like it's alive! We are studs.
Ooh! Hey, it's just squirting.
Wow.
You smell awesome, like that cab driver we had in Vegas.
Hey, guys, have you seen Cricket? Good god.
What is that smell? Drink it in, daddy.
It's the smell of your boys becoming men.
As you were.
Cricket? Cricket, will you get off the roof? Cricket, you're gonna get hurt, and I w-wouldn't put it past you to sue me.
No.
I'm relaxing.
I have a prescription for it.
Yeah, what's your condition terminal immaturity? Okay, you know what? Will you just please come down? Come down.
Oh, no! Not the pool skimmer! - Get down! - I guess you're too short, red.
Yeah, well, joke's on you 'cause I bought the extendable one.
Okay, now get down! What the hell is going on out here? I wanted to talk to your mother about the need to act like a grown-up, but first I have to get her off the roof.
Okay, you know what, honey? I got this.
I got it.
What is the deal? I see your life the white picket fence, the lawyer husband, all that shrimp.
I mean, it's just so nice and, like normal.
You must have really hated growing up with me.
Mom, I don't know what you're seeing, but there is nothing normal about this.
One night, I got up to pee, and I found Jackie in our bathtub.
So you're not mad that I pulled you out of the fourth grade and moved us to Hawaii when I broke up with your teacher? No! No.
So, I'm not great at fractions.
But if it weren't for my unique childhood, I wouldn't have this unique life that I love.
Just promise me no strippers at the wedding.
- Of course not.
- Okay.
Just toss me your phone, and I'll cancel them.
- Come on.
- Oh, my god.
Yeah, you, uh you see the stubble? No, just scabs.
- Hey, how'd it go? - Surprisingly well.
Yeah, so oh! Oh, my god, what are you guys carrying? Your wedding.
- What? - Yeah.
I had no idea you were doing all of this.
You're amazing! - Oh.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought you were just coming to be polite, but for you to do all this you really want to be there.
I-I-I'm so glad.
Really.
I mean, this wedding would not be the same without you there.
See? I told you so, Jackie.
I have some bad news.
Oh, of course.
It's been 20 minutes.
Great aunt Margaret is dead.
No! - Her funeral's on Saturday, so - The wedding is off.
- Well, Kate, we could - No, no.
Pete, we should go.
I mean, the wedding can wait.
We're already married, right? I have some bad news.
Great aunt Margaret is dead.
The funeral's on Saturday, so You guys really don't talk about anything, do you? I'm sorry, baby.
I know this isn't the way you expected to spend your wedding day.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Mm, you know what? I gonna stop talking about it because I'm gonna cry and weird everyone out on the plane, so Do you have a xanax or a People magazine? Ladies and gentlemen, flight 773 will begin boarding for Portland.
I'd like to welcome our first-class passengers, Premiere executive platinum, Miles platinum premiere class Wow.
A lot of personality going to Portland.
Weird town.
You know you're allowed to play games on your phone the whole flight now, right? - I like to feel the pieces in my hand.
- Yeah.
Of course you do.
Here.
Y-you know what, buddy? Here.
Why don't you just hold the drinks, and I'll finish up the board, okay? - Okay.
- How you guys doing back here? Oh, good.
You know, we're just setting up the board game that has 100 tiny, tiny, tiny pieces.
- Dad, Dad, can I tell you my strategy? - Oh! - Oh, oh, buddy, buddy.
- Oh! I'm sorry! Adults spill, too! Adults spill, too! It's fine.
It's fine.
It's just cold.
It's fine.
Honey, you you want to go to the restroom? I'll clean this up.
- Yeah.
- Aw.
Do do you have any towels? - Some napkins.
- Thank you.
Great.
Just It's locked.
Someone's in here.
It's me.
It's for you.
I always pack extra clothes.
Warren was a plane puker.
Still is.
Thanks.
Wow.
Bert's gonna have a field day with this.
Wow.
- Hey, girl.
- Mom! - How did you get here? - I snuck on.
- What?! - Shh! Be cool, be cool! No, I didn't.
Pete bought me a ticket.
Oh, you look good.
- Thanks.
- You ready? 'Cause there's a guy up there who really wants to marry you.
Wow.
Yeah.
Time to walk my baby down the aisle.
Hit it! He'll make me happy each time I see him he'll be the reason my heart can sing he'll stand beside me and now I'm everything she'll make me happy each time I hold her and I will follow where my heart may lead Keep it together, Bert! Be a man! Sometimes, a man just needs to cry.
I can't believe we pulled this off! Uh, we? What are you what are you talking about? - You almost missed the flight.
I - Shh.
This is Kate's day.
- Happy wedding, Kate.
- Pete, this is amazing.
The song, everybody.
Well, a guy can do a lot with some frequent-flier miles.
Pete, it's perfect.
Excuse me, lovebirds.
Coming through.
Sorry about this.
My options for officiants were limited.
Ready? Do you, Pete, take Kate to be your lawfully wedded wife, to hold mm, "to hold"? I do.
Okay.
Do you, Kate, take this man, Pete, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish as long as you both as long as Pete shall live? I do.
Well, then by the power vested in me by Lastminuteordination.
Com, I now re-pronounce you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you.
# they'll be so happy # now and forever - # until forever # - Whoo! This is a perfect day.
I'd just love a picture of all of us.
- We'll get a picture at the funeral.
- Perfect! Isn't this nice? It'd be nicer if Peter had sprung for first class.
I am so excited.
I finally get my own wedding video.
Yes.
Nothing more exciting than watching someone else's wedding video.
I know! I'm excited, too! Do you, Kate, take this man, Pete, to be your lawfully wedded husband - Meg, is that your chin? - Shocker.
- I'm sure she turns it around.
- Meg.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Are you kidding me? - What?! It's not my fault.
If Pete had ponied up the cash and brought the videographer on the plane, none of this would have happened.
I'll call the airline.
Maybe the black box picked up some of it.
There's still sound.