Ugly Betty s01e17 Episode Script
Icing on the Cake
Previously on Ugly Betty Bradford Meade, you're under arrest for the murder of Fey Sommers.
I know who killed Fey Sommers.
It was me.
- Henry.
- Henry.
Hi.
Betty, this is my girlfriend Charlie.
Ignacio, why can't all men be like you? Ignacio.
You are going to fire Daniel and make me editor-in-chief, right? - He's my brother, Willie.
- He is the enemy.
I've kind of realized he's not.
That's "The Chin"? Yep.
A friend at the D.
A.
's office told me the case against your father isn't as strong as they're leading everyone to believe.
Witnesses claim they saw a blue Aston Martin.
Blue Aston Martin? Okay, Betty.
We're all done.
So now these new wires are a different gauge, so they might feel a little strange to you and to anyone who's kissing you.
Oh, Dr.
Farkas, nobody's kissing me.
Oh, come on.
There must be someone special.
Well, there was a guy, but he has a girlfriend.
So, uh, how's it feel? Well, it was tough at first, but now I'm happy.
We're all just friends.
No, I meant the braces.
Oh, um duh.
Fine.
So you're comfortable with this? Yeah, it'll probably hurt to chew at first, but I'll just have a milk shake for lunch.
No, I meant being friends with the guy and the girlfriend.
Oh, um, the milk shake will help that, too.
Oh, that was great.
Okay, and now you're supposed to say something.
Oh, yeah.
It was good.
Sorry.
I'm going through my morning meetings in my head.
Wait.
You're not gonna make me spoon? No, but you are gonna make me breakfast, and then I have to get to work.
A woman who likes sex three times a night and doesn't want to cuddle.
Where have you been all my life? Well, after you stood me up in college, I closed my heart off emotionally, threw myself into work, substituting ambition for passion.
It was just a rhetorical question.
I know.
You're never gonna forget that, are you? I'm not.
I might even bring it up when I talk to your mother.
You're talking to my mother? Hopefully today.
Her testimony is important to your father's defense.
You can't talk to her.
Why not? She's gone.
She sort of had a relapse after my father went to jail.
She kind of just took off.
Could be anywhere.
Technically, this is kidnapping.
You're not blindfolded in a trunk, mother.
This is a deluxe suite in the Grand Regent.
It doesn't even have a park view.
I might as well be tied to a chair, having my ear sliced off.
It's for your own good.
You can't talk to our lawyer, because you tend to drink, and you say stupid things.
You mean confess things.
We talked about this.
You're not confessing anything.
Can we at least tell Alexis the truth? That her father is not a murderer? It doesn't matter.
She hates him.
He's her father.
The only reason she came back was to put him away.
Alexis and I are finally getting along, but she would turn on me in a second if she found out I hired Grace Chin to defend him.
Come on.
This is some family.
You're not to talk to anybody.
You're not to call anybody.
Claire Meade has disappeared.
Okay? In fact, I gotta change your name at the front desk.
Brandy Shaloo.
What, did you just pull that out of thin air? It's come in handy.
Betty! - Oh, hi.
- Hey.
Um, how was your weekend? Oh, it was so nice.
We just stayed in, ordered takeout, watched a bunch of movies.
Yeah, Vin Diesel can do anything.
Sounds fun.
I, um, got a new shower curtain.
Uh, I like your haircut.
Oh! First New York haircut! I didn't take off much though, because Henry likes it long.
So, um, I don't know if you're free tonight, but, uh Just ask her.
Well, we're throwing a birthday party for Charlie.
Oh.
It's your birthday.
First New York birthday! Lots of firsts.
Yeah, so I know it's really last minute, but we'd love it if you could make it.
Uh, I mean, if you're not busy.
Oh, you have to come.
So far it's all of his dorky friends from accounting, and they get drunk and talk about W-2s.
Well, it is tax season.
Please come.
We need our Betty.
Huh? Oh, I've got to run, okay? Bye.
Listen, you don't have to come if it's weird.
Weird? No.
No.
Why would it be weird? It'll be fun.
I need tax advice anyway.
Good.
I'm glad.
So Bring those receipts.
Oh, my dear, your boobs look totally perfect today.
I'm looking for Amanda Tanen.
- Who wants to know? - Ooh, a package.
I'm Amanda! No.
No.
I'm from Oswald Lorenzo's studio.
He wanted to give this to you.
You are his new muse.
Enjoy.
Oswald Lorenzo? He's, like, the "it" designer for all those actors whose faces you recognize but you don't really know their names.
Yeah.
Like what's-her-name? And that guy.
Wait.
How you know Oswald Lorenzo? Well, we met at the Jil Sander party last night.
He was totally worshipping me.
I mean, I get it, because I was the hottest girl there, but then there was this skank who was totally trying to horn in, and I was as nice as I could be.
Out of the way, skank! Anyway, she was a cow.
She's one of those women who just hates other women.
Enough with the "vagina monologue.
" Open it.
What the hell is that? "To my muse.
Enjoy 'the Amanda.
' Love, Oswald.
" He named a dress "the Amanda.
" How sweet.
He made you a big silver rubber.
Jealous it's not in your size? A little.
Now try this- viennese chocolate dream.
It's european.
Mmm.
Fancy.
That's what I like about you, nacho.
You enjoy the finer things.
You know what all these international flavors remind me of? We haven't talked about my green card in a while.
We got time.
Your court date's not for weeks.
Now will this be my preliminary hearing or- Why does this hazelnut symphony always make me want to dance? - Come on, nacho.
- Constance.
Mama wants to shake it.
Please, there's no music.
Oh, there's music on these lips, baby.
No, I-I can't.
There-there's kids in the house, and-and I have a heart condition.
See? Medicine.
Louis de Testa has designed a new line of lingerie for women.
Rumor has it that they are wooing the notorious panty shunners- - Lohan, Spears - Hi, there.
A little peace offering.
Hmm.
An Hermès scarf.
Pretty.
I'm sure my cleaning lady will love it.
- Willie, I- - I'm sorry.
Did we have an appointment? I know I'm just creative director, but I still have a very full plate.
Look, I wasn't counting on any of this, but Daniel he turned his back on our father for me.
I have to at least give him a chance.
I understand.
Oh.
I never noticed what big man-hands you have.
Bradford Meade's relationship with his former lawyer.
Taking over the case is size Bradford Meade is a pillar of society.
- He's a loving father and husband - What the hell? and does not have so much a parking ticket on his record.
Oh, you didn't know? That's your father's new lawyer.
Lucky man.
She's never lost a case.
I guess things aren't working out as either of us planned.
Tasty.
Looks like you showed her who the alpha diva was.
Well, I'm glad she's giving her brother a chance, 'cause I assure you he's going to disappoint her.
We'll make sure of it.
Lady, you give me chills.
Excuse me.
Orthodontist? He's always a little too generous.
I don't even know what this is for.
Somebody has a crush on you, huh? What the hell is that? It's an Oswald Lorenzo.
"The Amanda.
" Oh, I almost forgot.
Grace Chin's office called last night after you left.
She needs to talk to you.
Says it's important.
Yeah, I already saw her.
When? Uh, this morning? Didn't you have a breakfast meeting? Yeah, before that.
- Weren't you at the gym? - That's right.
After that.
- But the breakfast meeting- - Betty, enough! What's with the third degree, hmm? I'm sorry.
I just get very involved in your schedule.
Oops.
You got a hair.
Oh, I was standing next to Michelle from photo in the elevator.
Hasn't she been on maternity leave? Okay! Okay! I'm sleeping with Grace Chin.
Are you happy? What? You can't let anyone know, especially Alexis.
I won't.
But, Daniel, do you really think this is a good idea? No, it's a terrible idea.
I mean, I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and it was fun, and I'll cool it off before the trial starts.
Now you're giving me that "I'm so disappointed in you" look again.
I'm sorry.
It just happens.
Look, I like her, okay? Hey, we just got the new Catherine Malandrino collection in, right? Have Christina pick something out.
She'll like that.
This is like the third piece he's sent to that lawyer.
Serious pain in my ass.
I mean, I'd understand it if they were shagging.
They're not.
- They are.
- They're not! - They are! - I just said they're not! You're saying it like they are! Ooh, they are.
I am such a terrible liar.
Look, Christina, you have to promise me.
You can't tell anybody.
Of course I won't.
But you can see how a missing dress could be quite the scandal, what with all the murders and sex changes going on in that family.
Oh, there you are.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
I thought you might need a map, uh, to Charlie's party.
It's in the West Village, so it can be a little hard to find.
Great.
Thanks.
Sure.
Well, I'll see you later.
Okay.
- Oh, hi, Christina.
- Yeah, I'm here.
Been here the whole time.
What? Okay, look, I know what you're thinking, but they're my friends.
You're going to his girlfriend's birthday party? Betty, he broke your heart.
- No, he didn't.
- Oh, really? Fine.
This one here was "why doesn't he love me, Christina?" And this one here is "she took him away from me, Christina.
" And this one was "make her go away, Christina.
" No, this one is gum.
Betty, why would you do this to yourself? Because I don't want to lose Henry as a friend.
I'm an adult.
I can rise above this.
Fair enough, but just don't go alone.
Get a date.
Who? It's tonight.
Well, I don't know.
Well, there must be someone.
Well, this is a surprise.
I think I need to come back in this afternoon, Dr.
Farkas.
My wire snapped.
Oh, okay.
Great.
I'll see you in an hour.
Do it.
Fast.
Okay, first of all, I don't think we should be following a postpartum depression piece with a layout on baby doll dresses.
We have a big problem! Okay, crazy time begins at 1:00.
We're in the middle of a meeting now.
It's about our father.
Excuse me.
Grace Chin is representing him.
She's never lost a case.
Okay, uh, well, is that so bad? Do you really want him to spend the rest of his life in prison? He's a murderer.
What's going on with you? - Did you know about this? - No, of course not.
I don't even know this Grace Chin woman.
Alexis, he is still our father.
Before you buy him a set of golf clubs, let me remind you that he's the one that made you feel worthless your whole life, drove our mother to drink hand sanitizer and told me he'd rather see me dead than standing here in a dress.
The man is a monster.
Juicy.
That is one angry she-male.
What? What did I miss? I would have told you.
So you snapped your wire eating a bagel? Yep.
Was the knife still in it? You're funny, Dr.
Farkas, and you have really good breath.
Uh, it's part of the job requirement.
That, and trimmed nose hair.
Oh, yeah.
Yep, that's good, too.
Okay, we're all done here, so now can I trust you to be a little more careful this time? I'll try, but, um, you might have to have dinner with me to make sure I don't eat anything too dangerous.
Maybe I will.
Ah, there is a lot of dangerous food out there like-like apples.
And carrots.
And corn on the cob.
Are you asking me out? No, not if you don't want to, but I don't know, maybe you do, I- I do.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Sure.
None of this is gonna work.
We can't use the Dior.
Uh, Sharon Stone wore it to the Globes.
Oh, please.
She's over 40.
Like anyone was even looking.
But isn't she aging well? There is nothing more admirable than a handsome woman.
Stop stressing, Marc.
You'll lose even more hair.
Uh, where is the Catherine Malandrino? - I don't know.
- You don't know? That's not like you.
You know where everything is.
Yep.
I think maybe it was signed out.
Well, the only one who can sign anything out pre-shoot is the creative director or the editor-in-chief.
- Did sign it out, Marc? - No, you did not.
Oh, I think it might have been Daniel.
Daniel? Really? Why? I've got no idea.
Well, maybe I should call your little friend Betty.
I'm sure she'd love to hear how you helped deliver the evidence to put her boss' father in prison.
You can't keep doing this to me, Wilhelmina! You're right.
I can't.
Hello, Betty.
It's Wilhelmina.
Okay.
Okay.
Good hair today.
Daniel gave it to Grace Chin as a gift.
He said he doesn't even know her.
Why would Daniel be giving her clothing? I could understand if He's sleeping with his father's lawyer.
Oh, that Daniel does not disappoint.
Papi? Are you in here? Grandpa? Shh.
Are you alone? What is going on? I have been calling you for two hours? I unplugged the phone.
Constance keeps calling.
She won't leave me alone.
I like her.
She gave me a dollar the other day to call her "grandma.
" Justin.
Okay, papi, you are hiding in your house from your caseworker.
- This is nuts.
- No, what's nuts is my caseworker is stalking me.
This morning, she danced with me, and then she tried to kiss me.
You mean, you and grandma? What? I wanted the dollar.
Okay, this is crossing over into a scary place.
- You gotta report her.
- I'm not reporting anybody.
I'm just gonna keep her happy till my court date.
I'm just saying, don't put out the bait unless you want the fish to eat, - and that's a lot of fish.
- What can I do? I'm not in a position to say anything.
Yoo-hoo, nacho! Papi, let me talk to her.
I called Grace Chin's office.
Her assistant says she's picking up a witness at the Grand Regent.
Wait.
What? The Grand Regent? No, no, no.
Call 'em back.
Find out where they're going.
What's the big deal? She's gonna talk to Brandy Shaloo.
Who? So he's been lying to Alexis about helping Bradford this whole time.
Boinking the lawyer is just icing on the cake.
- Yummy! - Oh, too gay.
Now I want you to follow Daniel everywhere he goes.
If you can get me proof of the affair, I can pit Alexis against him.
Perfect.
They'll be so busy taking each other down, they won't even notice you taking over.
Oh, fly my pretty, fly! And you thought "yummy" was too gay? So how long was your husband having the affair with Fey Sommers? Let's see.
When was that M.
C.
Hammer guy hitting the scene? I had those pants.
Oh, crap.
Well, isn't this a coincidence? Hi, mom.
Welcome back from wherever it is you've been.
Grace, how did you ever find her? I called her home, and her housekeeper told me she was at the Grand Regent.
I may have told Magdalena about Brandy Shaloo, but Grace said that my testimony will really help your father.
Good.
Good.
Uh, mind if I sit in? Daniel, I really need to get through these questions.
Oh, they got pumpkin soup.
As I was saying, Mrs.
Meade, if I put you on the witness stand, I'm gonna have to ask you about your feelings towards Fey Sommers.
She was a conniving, manipulative bitch who deserved- A little forgiveness and understanding, right? Oh, why does it say "M.
C.
Hammer"? Excuse me.
I'm gonna have to take this.
Do not yell at me.
You know, you've become a yeller.
Fine, I won't yell, but you need to get out of here.
I told you to stay away from this woman.
I won't incriminate myself.
Please, you have to trust my judgment.
Really, mom? 'Cause I gotta tell you, your judgment has been pretty terrific so far.
If it weren't for what you did, none of us would be in this situation.
I'm just trying to help.
Well, don't.
Go back to the hotel.
Lock the door.
Don't answer for anybody.
If you really want to help dad, just stay out of the way.
I mean, how much more damage do you want to do to us? - What? - I know you.
You're the slut from the Jil Sander party.
Oswald Lorenzo? Oh, right.
You were the one who was all up in his pooch.
Listen, if you weren't so desperate, he might have made "the Amanda" for you, but he would have called it "the skank-whore.
" Hey, Betty.
Glad you made it.
Henry.
Charlie.
Um, this is my friend, Dr.
Farkas.
Uh, you can call me Gabe.
- Uh, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
And, uh, this is for the birthday girl.
- A tongue scraper.
- Oh.
That's what that is.
So many people forget about the tongue.
Well, now I won't.
Oh, is that the chocolate raspberry cake from Magnolia? Charlie's not much of a cake person, so she just told me to pick my favorite.
Oh, my god.
That's my favorite.
How about I get us some drinks? What do you like? Um, something fizzy.
So you didn't say you were bringing someone.
Oh, I-I thought that would be okay.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and he's cute, Betty.
- And a dentist.
- Orthodontist.
Oh, thumbs up.
So how long have you two been seeing each other? I mean, just 'cause you haven't said anything.
Really? Oh, um, well, we've known each other for a while, and, uh, well, he's a really terrific guy.
Oh, you two are perfect together.
And the chemistry is just obvious.
- Right, Henry? - I don't know.
Well, I just met the guy.
Well, well, I'm all about vibes, and I am definitely feeling this one.
You guys should give me your star signs.
I'll totally do your chart.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You sure I'm gonna look like Beyoncé? Honey, when I am through with you, Jay-Z is gonna be ringing your alarm.
I don't need to hear from him.
I've only got eyes for one man right now.
I'm so glad you offered to do this, sugar.
I need some insight.
Does your daddy like it up, down, or all around? We are still talking about hair, right? Ooh, it's just been such a long time since I met a man who made me tingle.
Ow! Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm still new at this.
But I'm not surprised you'd say that about my dad.
He does have a way with the ladies.
Ladies? Don't tell me I've got competition.
Well, you didn't hear it from me, but, uh, there is a certain somebody that he's been seeing for a little while.
What? Why didn't he tell me this? 'Cause he's a decent guy, and he doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, especially not someone who has done so much for him.
Well, he didn't need to keep that from me.
So-so you're okay? Hey, if he doesn't want me his loss, right? Right.
You know what? The hell with Beyoncé.
- Do me like Mariah.
- All right.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Hey, um, I got some bad news.
- My mom had to run.
- Wait.
No, I've gotta talk to her.
No, no, it's okay.
She said she'd call you tomorrow.
- No, let me just tell her- - No, no, no.
No, uh, you can't.
- Why not? - Because - I really want you.
- What? Grace, you look really hot in that brown wool suit.
Daniel.
Grace, when are you gonna learn to live in the moment? - You're insane.
- Am I? Come on.
- You know you want to.
- We're in public.
It's kinda hot, right? All right.
You've got six minutes.
Come on, Daniel.
Come on.
So we would've had the party at our house, but we're still redoing the apartment.
Well, we're not redoing it.
We just bought a new couch.
It's purple.
Purple? You like purple? Well, it's a moon color.
It's empowering.
Well, but buying a couch is the first step.
You know what's next, don't you? What? A coffee table? No, I was gonna say a mortgage.
Oh, right.
It's just a couch.
Oh.
Oh, I love this.
Henry.
Henry, come dance with me.
Uh, okay.
Uh, Betty? What? Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Look, I don't know what I've done, but you're vibrating.
Oh! Sorry.
- Hello? - Betty, it's Claire Meade.
Am I interrupting something? Um, I'm at a friend's birthday.
Good.
Then you're free.
I need you to bring me a corporate credit card.
It's an emergency.
I'm at the Grand Regent.
Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do? How do you feel about going to the Grand Regent? Am I that good of a slow dancer? No, no.
That's not what I meant.
I, um, I- I need to run an errand.
Will you come with me? Yeah.
What do you mean, you're running away? I am going to the airport and taking the first flight to wherever it is that people go when they disappear.
You don't need to disappear.
Oh, yes, I do.
I destroyed my family.
Daniel made that quite clear.
They're better off without me.
No, they're not.
Betty, I have already caused them so much pain.
I need to go far away where I don't hurt them anymore.
You know what? You're not thinking very clearly.
We should call Daniel.
Maybe you're right.
Let-let me see your phone.
Did that jump out of my hand? - Now let me have the credit card.
- No.
I don't have it.
I left it at home in Queens.
It's on the way to the airport.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm parked in a horse and carriage zone.
Who is this? Um, this is Dr.
Farkas.
We are sort of on a date.
Doctor? I thought it was the accountant you liked.
No, no, Mrs.
Meade, no.
Uh, he has a girlfriend.
That was a very long time ago.
We're friends.
We're just friends.
I believe you.
Well, this is an awkward moment.
Leave it to me.
I kill everything.
Sex on a dirty floor.
Daniel Meade- always a class act.
So Marc has pleased you? Oh, stop talking in the third person and take your pick from the goody basket.
I have a delivery to make.
That lying bastard! Alexis, I have some expense report issues to go over.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt something? My brother lied to me.
He's sleeping with Grace Chin.
He said he didn't know her.
Interesting.
You trusted Daniel, and he betrayed you.
I went through something very similar with a former friend.
Help.
Please help.
Help me! Hello? You all right in there? Oh, thank god.
I haven't been able to pee all day, and I was simply trying to stand over the toilet, and now I can't get down.
Okay, help.
You do know I'm gonna have to talk to your mother tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, you can try, but she might disappear again.
That's what she does, disappear.
I told you.
She's nuts.
Good, because that'll be her defense.
What? Daniel, I know she did it.
Grace, that's not true.
Come on, Daniel.
Every time I bring up your mother, you get all freaked out and then you want to have sex.
You either have some weird oedipal thing, or your mother's guilty.
So do you wanna have sex? I know you're trying to protect her, but hear me out.
If your mother confesses, I can help her.
Oh, that's not an option.
I can have her doctor testify that she was paranoid.
You want her to plead insanity? I'll argue that she believed that Fey Sommers was gonna kill her.
It was kill or be killed.
You actually think you can win this way? I know I can.
Well, isn't this a surprise? What the hell are you doing here? All those angry women and you never changed the locks? You must be Grace Chin.
Hi.
Daniel, that woman you claimed you've never met? She's in your bed.
Hmm.
My, what a cute little house.
I could put it right in my pocket.
Uh, so listen, it looks like you've got your hands full here.
- I think I'm just gonna head off.
- No, no, no, no.
Stay, stay.
This is just gonna take a couple of minutes, and then we can get back to our date.
We can grab a drink or- or get some pie.
I love pie.
What's your favorite pie? - Uh, rhubarb.
- Oh, me, too.
Actually, blueberry, but rhubarb sounds fun.
Oh, you should really steer away from blueberry.
- It stains your teeth.
- Really? Wow, you really can't bottle this kind of chemistry.
Okay, Betty, there's a flight to Vladivostok at midnight.
They just opened a W there.
I really need that credit card.
Mrs.
Meade, you don't need to do this.
- You didn't do anything.
- I killed Fey Sommers.
Um okay.
I know you think so, but Daniel told me that you tend to make things up when you're drinking.
Well, I'm not drinking now.
I had her brake lines cut.
I followed her for 18 miles, till the fluid ran out.
I watched her crash into a tree and burn and burn and burn.
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no.
No, no, stay.
Stay.
It's from a movie.
It's just a game we play.
Uh, guess the quote.
Oh, that was "Firestarter.
" Uh, my turn.
"You complete me.
" - Uh, "Jerry Maguire.
" - Yes! Oh, wow.
You're good at this.
Betty, the credit card? Oh, um, okay, you two keep playing.
Oh, uh, "life is like a box of chocolates.
" I've killed once.
I'll kill again.
I don't know that one.
Hello.
You must be Betty's father.
Claire Meade, Daniel's mother.
Hi.
And, uh, who is this? This is Betty's date.
Oh, you must be Henry.
I've heard a lot about you.
No, no, no.
The accountant has a girlfriend.
This is the orthodontist.
Oh.
Uh, you seem nice.
Well, I've seen the accountant.
Much hotter.
Betty, I really gotta go.
No! Stay! At least I owe you a cup of coffee.
I'll make some.
Mrs.
Meade, what do you take for coffee? Vodka and ice, hold the coffee.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, thanks.
Come on, Daniel.
Come on.
Come on, Daniel! Come on! What do you want? I want her to recuse herself from the case.
Why? My relationship with Daniel doesn't affect my ability to defend your father.
Let's hope the judge thinks so when I give this to him.
Or maybe I'll put it on the internet.
I'm sure there are tons of people out there who would love seeing a lawyer getting screwed for a change.
Okay.
The Chin is done here.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Wait.
What are you saying? She's saying she doesn't want to ruin her career.
This isn't about my career.
I just don't have the time or the patience for you people.
I have enough murderers to put back on the street, and their families actually support them.
You don't need a lawyer.
You need a good shrink and maybe a closer shave.
How could you do this? How could you help our father? Our father's innocent.
Mom killed Fey.
What? Why do you think I have to keep this from you? You never listen to me.
I can't talk to you.
Mom is guilty.
You just ran the best lawyer in town out my door.
You just put our mother in prison.
- So you're the one? - I beg your pardon? You're the ho stealing my man.
It's unlikely that we would have the same man in common.
We certainly don't have the same hairdresser.
Oh, you just crossed the line.
Did you just shove me? Hey, hey- oh, you just slapped me.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on? I have no idea how this started.
All I know is that tonight we were supposed to get a credit card and leave the country.
So you were gonna run off and marry this bag of bones for a green card? "Bag of bones"? I- I'm not marrying anybody.
Constance, please.
Can we talk about this in the kitchen? - Who's carrot cake anyway? - That's Betty's date.
Oh, so that's the accountant? No, no.
That's Henry.
So what's with you and the skinny blonde bitch? Mrs.
Meade is not my girlfriend.
And by the way, Constance, neither are you.
Why are you stalking me? Excuse me? I am not stalking you.
I am monitoring an illegal immigrant who is a flight risk? I'm not flying anywhere.
Look, look, let me make a cup of one of your international coffees Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is is? A tracking device, I'm doing it for your own good, nacho, before you do something you'll regret.
Constance, be reasonable.
And with this tracking device, I will know where you are every minute of every day.
You step outside this house and I will know.
And I'm guessing miss fancy pants out there don't live in this 'hood.
What was that noise? - What are you doing? - Uh, leaving.
No, no, no.
I'm almost done here, and then we can go get that pie.
Betty, there's not gonna be any pie.
Why? It's obvious you still have feelings for Henry.
What? No, I-I don't.
Betty, I could see it at the party, and I think everyone else can see it, too.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I- I really do think you're a great guy.
I guess I-I just asked you out for all the wrong reasons.
I don't know.
It's okay.
I should probably know better than to date my patients anyway, especially the cute ones.
Um I-I will see you at your appointment next month.
Okay.
"Here's looking at you, kid.
" "Casablanca.
" Well that was very sweet.
Sticky, but sweet.
Tick-tock, Betty.
I have a flight to catch.
Now where's that credit card? Okay, I got it.
Betty, that's a library card.
Oh, my god.
I must have checked out the books with the credit card.
I'll go call them.
Betty, you're lying.
With so many saints in your living room, how can you lie like that? You called Daniel, didn't you? I had to.
Look, if you did what you said you did, then your family has to deel with this.
Family.
There's not much of a family left.
My husband spent 20 years of our marriage in love with another woman, and she flaunted it in front of me.
I watched the man I love love someone else.
And it killed me.
Promise me you won't make the same mistake that I did, Betty.
I promise.
What do I do? I don't know, but I don't think that running away is the answer.
I mean won't it just keep following you? Maybe we both need to be strong and face the things that we don't want to, no matter how scary they are, because that's the only way we can live with ourselves.
You're a smart girl, Betty.
I need to make a phone call.
Reporting live in Jackson Heights, Queens, where Claire Meade, wife of publishing magnate Bradford Meade, has turned herself in to the authorities.
The district attorney has confirmed that Mrs.
Meade has confessed to the murder of former "Mode" editor-in-chief Fey Sommers, the crime for which Mrs.
Meade's husband is currently in custody.
Further inquiries revealed that Mr.
Meade's defense attorney, Grace Chin, has removed herself from the case.
Now that's what I call brotherly love.
It's a shame, really.
That family's just beyond repair.
Bradford Meade is expected to be released in the next 24 hours and all murder charges dropped.
Alexis is not gonna like that.
She didn't spend much time at the top.
Nice work both of you.
Oswald Lorenzo has another treat for you.
Listen, you trendy little monkey, you can tell your boss he completely humiliated me.
I have rubber burns all over my ass, and it took two sticks of butter just to get the top off.
Fashion is a pain.
That dress looked awful.
Of course it did.
You didn't have the hat.
It comes with a hat? I totally have a hat face.
I know.
Enjoy! Oh, my god.
She's wearing it! Oh, she loves it.
She looks like a traffic cone.
That'll teach that bitch to shove me in a bar.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hi.
You left early last night.
I didn't get a- I mean, Charlie and I didn't get a chance to talk to you very much.
I guess that whole Claire Meade thing really spiraled out of control, huh? What was that all about? It's a long story.
Most of it's in "the New York Times.
" Do you want to get lunch with me and Charlie today? - There's this new place- - I can't.
Uh, okay.
Maybe tomorrow then.
No.
I can't.
I can't spend time with you and your girlfriend, Henry.
It's just not good for me.
Sure.
Okay.
I guess, uh, I just thought we could all be friends.
Yeah.
I just I don't really think that I I can do that right now.
So what does that make us? Two people who work in the same building.
Okay.
I saved you a slice.
Daniel Meade's office.
This is Betty Suarez.
Yes.
What time is best to return your call? Great.
I'll let him know.
Have a good day.
Daniel Meade's office.
This is Betty Suarez.
I know who killed Fey Sommers.
It was me.
- Henry.
- Henry.
Hi.
Betty, this is my girlfriend Charlie.
Ignacio, why can't all men be like you? Ignacio.
You are going to fire Daniel and make me editor-in-chief, right? - He's my brother, Willie.
- He is the enemy.
I've kind of realized he's not.
That's "The Chin"? Yep.
A friend at the D.
A.
's office told me the case against your father isn't as strong as they're leading everyone to believe.
Witnesses claim they saw a blue Aston Martin.
Blue Aston Martin? Okay, Betty.
We're all done.
So now these new wires are a different gauge, so they might feel a little strange to you and to anyone who's kissing you.
Oh, Dr.
Farkas, nobody's kissing me.
Oh, come on.
There must be someone special.
Well, there was a guy, but he has a girlfriend.
So, uh, how's it feel? Well, it was tough at first, but now I'm happy.
We're all just friends.
No, I meant the braces.
Oh, um duh.
Fine.
So you're comfortable with this? Yeah, it'll probably hurt to chew at first, but I'll just have a milk shake for lunch.
No, I meant being friends with the guy and the girlfriend.
Oh, um, the milk shake will help that, too.
Oh, that was great.
Okay, and now you're supposed to say something.
Oh, yeah.
It was good.
Sorry.
I'm going through my morning meetings in my head.
Wait.
You're not gonna make me spoon? No, but you are gonna make me breakfast, and then I have to get to work.
A woman who likes sex three times a night and doesn't want to cuddle.
Where have you been all my life? Well, after you stood me up in college, I closed my heart off emotionally, threw myself into work, substituting ambition for passion.
It was just a rhetorical question.
I know.
You're never gonna forget that, are you? I'm not.
I might even bring it up when I talk to your mother.
You're talking to my mother? Hopefully today.
Her testimony is important to your father's defense.
You can't talk to her.
Why not? She's gone.
She sort of had a relapse after my father went to jail.
She kind of just took off.
Could be anywhere.
Technically, this is kidnapping.
You're not blindfolded in a trunk, mother.
This is a deluxe suite in the Grand Regent.
It doesn't even have a park view.
I might as well be tied to a chair, having my ear sliced off.
It's for your own good.
You can't talk to our lawyer, because you tend to drink, and you say stupid things.
You mean confess things.
We talked about this.
You're not confessing anything.
Can we at least tell Alexis the truth? That her father is not a murderer? It doesn't matter.
She hates him.
He's her father.
The only reason she came back was to put him away.
Alexis and I are finally getting along, but she would turn on me in a second if she found out I hired Grace Chin to defend him.
Come on.
This is some family.
You're not to talk to anybody.
You're not to call anybody.
Claire Meade has disappeared.
Okay? In fact, I gotta change your name at the front desk.
Brandy Shaloo.
What, did you just pull that out of thin air? It's come in handy.
Betty! - Oh, hi.
- Hey.
Um, how was your weekend? Oh, it was so nice.
We just stayed in, ordered takeout, watched a bunch of movies.
Yeah, Vin Diesel can do anything.
Sounds fun.
I, um, got a new shower curtain.
Uh, I like your haircut.
Oh! First New York haircut! I didn't take off much though, because Henry likes it long.
So, um, I don't know if you're free tonight, but, uh Just ask her.
Well, we're throwing a birthday party for Charlie.
Oh.
It's your birthday.
First New York birthday! Lots of firsts.
Yeah, so I know it's really last minute, but we'd love it if you could make it.
Uh, I mean, if you're not busy.
Oh, you have to come.
So far it's all of his dorky friends from accounting, and they get drunk and talk about W-2s.
Well, it is tax season.
Please come.
We need our Betty.
Huh? Oh, I've got to run, okay? Bye.
Listen, you don't have to come if it's weird.
Weird? No.
No.
Why would it be weird? It'll be fun.
I need tax advice anyway.
Good.
I'm glad.
So Bring those receipts.
Oh, my dear, your boobs look totally perfect today.
I'm looking for Amanda Tanen.
- Who wants to know? - Ooh, a package.
I'm Amanda! No.
No.
I'm from Oswald Lorenzo's studio.
He wanted to give this to you.
You are his new muse.
Enjoy.
Oswald Lorenzo? He's, like, the "it" designer for all those actors whose faces you recognize but you don't really know their names.
Yeah.
Like what's-her-name? And that guy.
Wait.
How you know Oswald Lorenzo? Well, we met at the Jil Sander party last night.
He was totally worshipping me.
I mean, I get it, because I was the hottest girl there, but then there was this skank who was totally trying to horn in, and I was as nice as I could be.
Out of the way, skank! Anyway, she was a cow.
She's one of those women who just hates other women.
Enough with the "vagina monologue.
" Open it.
What the hell is that? "To my muse.
Enjoy 'the Amanda.
' Love, Oswald.
" He named a dress "the Amanda.
" How sweet.
He made you a big silver rubber.
Jealous it's not in your size? A little.
Now try this- viennese chocolate dream.
It's european.
Mmm.
Fancy.
That's what I like about you, nacho.
You enjoy the finer things.
You know what all these international flavors remind me of? We haven't talked about my green card in a while.
We got time.
Your court date's not for weeks.
Now will this be my preliminary hearing or- Why does this hazelnut symphony always make me want to dance? - Come on, nacho.
- Constance.
Mama wants to shake it.
Please, there's no music.
Oh, there's music on these lips, baby.
No, I-I can't.
There-there's kids in the house, and-and I have a heart condition.
See? Medicine.
Louis de Testa has designed a new line of lingerie for women.
Rumor has it that they are wooing the notorious panty shunners- - Lohan, Spears - Hi, there.
A little peace offering.
Hmm.
An Hermès scarf.
Pretty.
I'm sure my cleaning lady will love it.
- Willie, I- - I'm sorry.
Did we have an appointment? I know I'm just creative director, but I still have a very full plate.
Look, I wasn't counting on any of this, but Daniel he turned his back on our father for me.
I have to at least give him a chance.
I understand.
Oh.
I never noticed what big man-hands you have.
Bradford Meade's relationship with his former lawyer.
Taking over the case is size Bradford Meade is a pillar of society.
- He's a loving father and husband - What the hell? and does not have so much a parking ticket on his record.
Oh, you didn't know? That's your father's new lawyer.
Lucky man.
She's never lost a case.
I guess things aren't working out as either of us planned.
Tasty.
Looks like you showed her who the alpha diva was.
Well, I'm glad she's giving her brother a chance, 'cause I assure you he's going to disappoint her.
We'll make sure of it.
Lady, you give me chills.
Excuse me.
Orthodontist? He's always a little too generous.
I don't even know what this is for.
Somebody has a crush on you, huh? What the hell is that? It's an Oswald Lorenzo.
"The Amanda.
" Oh, I almost forgot.
Grace Chin's office called last night after you left.
She needs to talk to you.
Says it's important.
Yeah, I already saw her.
When? Uh, this morning? Didn't you have a breakfast meeting? Yeah, before that.
- Weren't you at the gym? - That's right.
After that.
- But the breakfast meeting- - Betty, enough! What's with the third degree, hmm? I'm sorry.
I just get very involved in your schedule.
Oops.
You got a hair.
Oh, I was standing next to Michelle from photo in the elevator.
Hasn't she been on maternity leave? Okay! Okay! I'm sleeping with Grace Chin.
Are you happy? What? You can't let anyone know, especially Alexis.
I won't.
But, Daniel, do you really think this is a good idea? No, it's a terrible idea.
I mean, I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and it was fun, and I'll cool it off before the trial starts.
Now you're giving me that "I'm so disappointed in you" look again.
I'm sorry.
It just happens.
Look, I like her, okay? Hey, we just got the new Catherine Malandrino collection in, right? Have Christina pick something out.
She'll like that.
This is like the third piece he's sent to that lawyer.
Serious pain in my ass.
I mean, I'd understand it if they were shagging.
They're not.
- They are.
- They're not! - They are! - I just said they're not! You're saying it like they are! Ooh, they are.
I am such a terrible liar.
Look, Christina, you have to promise me.
You can't tell anybody.
Of course I won't.
But you can see how a missing dress could be quite the scandal, what with all the murders and sex changes going on in that family.
Oh, there you are.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
I thought you might need a map, uh, to Charlie's party.
It's in the West Village, so it can be a little hard to find.
Great.
Thanks.
Sure.
Well, I'll see you later.
Okay.
- Oh, hi, Christina.
- Yeah, I'm here.
Been here the whole time.
What? Okay, look, I know what you're thinking, but they're my friends.
You're going to his girlfriend's birthday party? Betty, he broke your heart.
- No, he didn't.
- Oh, really? Fine.
This one here was "why doesn't he love me, Christina?" And this one here is "she took him away from me, Christina.
" And this one was "make her go away, Christina.
" No, this one is gum.
Betty, why would you do this to yourself? Because I don't want to lose Henry as a friend.
I'm an adult.
I can rise above this.
Fair enough, but just don't go alone.
Get a date.
Who? It's tonight.
Well, I don't know.
Well, there must be someone.
Well, this is a surprise.
I think I need to come back in this afternoon, Dr.
Farkas.
My wire snapped.
Oh, okay.
Great.
I'll see you in an hour.
Do it.
Fast.
Okay, first of all, I don't think we should be following a postpartum depression piece with a layout on baby doll dresses.
We have a big problem! Okay, crazy time begins at 1:00.
We're in the middle of a meeting now.
It's about our father.
Excuse me.
Grace Chin is representing him.
She's never lost a case.
Okay, uh, well, is that so bad? Do you really want him to spend the rest of his life in prison? He's a murderer.
What's going on with you? - Did you know about this? - No, of course not.
I don't even know this Grace Chin woman.
Alexis, he is still our father.
Before you buy him a set of golf clubs, let me remind you that he's the one that made you feel worthless your whole life, drove our mother to drink hand sanitizer and told me he'd rather see me dead than standing here in a dress.
The man is a monster.
Juicy.
That is one angry she-male.
What? What did I miss? I would have told you.
So you snapped your wire eating a bagel? Yep.
Was the knife still in it? You're funny, Dr.
Farkas, and you have really good breath.
Uh, it's part of the job requirement.
That, and trimmed nose hair.
Oh, yeah.
Yep, that's good, too.
Okay, we're all done here, so now can I trust you to be a little more careful this time? I'll try, but, um, you might have to have dinner with me to make sure I don't eat anything too dangerous.
Maybe I will.
Ah, there is a lot of dangerous food out there like-like apples.
And carrots.
And corn on the cob.
Are you asking me out? No, not if you don't want to, but I don't know, maybe you do, I- I do.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Sure.
None of this is gonna work.
We can't use the Dior.
Uh, Sharon Stone wore it to the Globes.
Oh, please.
She's over 40.
Like anyone was even looking.
But isn't she aging well? There is nothing more admirable than a handsome woman.
Stop stressing, Marc.
You'll lose even more hair.
Uh, where is the Catherine Malandrino? - I don't know.
- You don't know? That's not like you.
You know where everything is.
Yep.
I think maybe it was signed out.
Well, the only one who can sign anything out pre-shoot is the creative director or the editor-in-chief.
- Did sign it out, Marc? - No, you did not.
Oh, I think it might have been Daniel.
Daniel? Really? Why? I've got no idea.
Well, maybe I should call your little friend Betty.
I'm sure she'd love to hear how you helped deliver the evidence to put her boss' father in prison.
You can't keep doing this to me, Wilhelmina! You're right.
I can't.
Hello, Betty.
It's Wilhelmina.
Okay.
Okay.
Good hair today.
Daniel gave it to Grace Chin as a gift.
He said he doesn't even know her.
Why would Daniel be giving her clothing? I could understand if He's sleeping with his father's lawyer.
Oh, that Daniel does not disappoint.
Papi? Are you in here? Grandpa? Shh.
Are you alone? What is going on? I have been calling you for two hours? I unplugged the phone.
Constance keeps calling.
She won't leave me alone.
I like her.
She gave me a dollar the other day to call her "grandma.
" Justin.
Okay, papi, you are hiding in your house from your caseworker.
- This is nuts.
- No, what's nuts is my caseworker is stalking me.
This morning, she danced with me, and then she tried to kiss me.
You mean, you and grandma? What? I wanted the dollar.
Okay, this is crossing over into a scary place.
- You gotta report her.
- I'm not reporting anybody.
I'm just gonna keep her happy till my court date.
I'm just saying, don't put out the bait unless you want the fish to eat, - and that's a lot of fish.
- What can I do? I'm not in a position to say anything.
Yoo-hoo, nacho! Papi, let me talk to her.
I called Grace Chin's office.
Her assistant says she's picking up a witness at the Grand Regent.
Wait.
What? The Grand Regent? No, no, no.
Call 'em back.
Find out where they're going.
What's the big deal? She's gonna talk to Brandy Shaloo.
Who? So he's been lying to Alexis about helping Bradford this whole time.
Boinking the lawyer is just icing on the cake.
- Yummy! - Oh, too gay.
Now I want you to follow Daniel everywhere he goes.
If you can get me proof of the affair, I can pit Alexis against him.
Perfect.
They'll be so busy taking each other down, they won't even notice you taking over.
Oh, fly my pretty, fly! And you thought "yummy" was too gay? So how long was your husband having the affair with Fey Sommers? Let's see.
When was that M.
C.
Hammer guy hitting the scene? I had those pants.
Oh, crap.
Well, isn't this a coincidence? Hi, mom.
Welcome back from wherever it is you've been.
Grace, how did you ever find her? I called her home, and her housekeeper told me she was at the Grand Regent.
I may have told Magdalena about Brandy Shaloo, but Grace said that my testimony will really help your father.
Good.
Good.
Uh, mind if I sit in? Daniel, I really need to get through these questions.
Oh, they got pumpkin soup.
As I was saying, Mrs.
Meade, if I put you on the witness stand, I'm gonna have to ask you about your feelings towards Fey Sommers.
She was a conniving, manipulative bitch who deserved- A little forgiveness and understanding, right? Oh, why does it say "M.
C.
Hammer"? Excuse me.
I'm gonna have to take this.
Do not yell at me.
You know, you've become a yeller.
Fine, I won't yell, but you need to get out of here.
I told you to stay away from this woman.
I won't incriminate myself.
Please, you have to trust my judgment.
Really, mom? 'Cause I gotta tell you, your judgment has been pretty terrific so far.
If it weren't for what you did, none of us would be in this situation.
I'm just trying to help.
Well, don't.
Go back to the hotel.
Lock the door.
Don't answer for anybody.
If you really want to help dad, just stay out of the way.
I mean, how much more damage do you want to do to us? - What? - I know you.
You're the slut from the Jil Sander party.
Oswald Lorenzo? Oh, right.
You were the one who was all up in his pooch.
Listen, if you weren't so desperate, he might have made "the Amanda" for you, but he would have called it "the skank-whore.
" Hey, Betty.
Glad you made it.
Henry.
Charlie.
Um, this is my friend, Dr.
Farkas.
Uh, you can call me Gabe.
- Uh, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
And, uh, this is for the birthday girl.
- A tongue scraper.
- Oh.
That's what that is.
So many people forget about the tongue.
Well, now I won't.
Oh, is that the chocolate raspberry cake from Magnolia? Charlie's not much of a cake person, so she just told me to pick my favorite.
Oh, my god.
That's my favorite.
How about I get us some drinks? What do you like? Um, something fizzy.
So you didn't say you were bringing someone.
Oh, I-I thought that would be okay.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and he's cute, Betty.
- And a dentist.
- Orthodontist.
Oh, thumbs up.
So how long have you two been seeing each other? I mean, just 'cause you haven't said anything.
Really? Oh, um, well, we've known each other for a while, and, uh, well, he's a really terrific guy.
Oh, you two are perfect together.
And the chemistry is just obvious.
- Right, Henry? - I don't know.
Well, I just met the guy.
Well, well, I'm all about vibes, and I am definitely feeling this one.
You guys should give me your star signs.
I'll totally do your chart.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
You sure I'm gonna look like Beyoncé? Honey, when I am through with you, Jay-Z is gonna be ringing your alarm.
I don't need to hear from him.
I've only got eyes for one man right now.
I'm so glad you offered to do this, sugar.
I need some insight.
Does your daddy like it up, down, or all around? We are still talking about hair, right? Ooh, it's just been such a long time since I met a man who made me tingle.
Ow! Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm still new at this.
But I'm not surprised you'd say that about my dad.
He does have a way with the ladies.
Ladies? Don't tell me I've got competition.
Well, you didn't hear it from me, but, uh, there is a certain somebody that he's been seeing for a little while.
What? Why didn't he tell me this? 'Cause he's a decent guy, and he doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, especially not someone who has done so much for him.
Well, he didn't need to keep that from me.
So-so you're okay? Hey, if he doesn't want me his loss, right? Right.
You know what? The hell with Beyoncé.
- Do me like Mariah.
- All right.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Hey, um, I got some bad news.
- My mom had to run.
- Wait.
No, I've gotta talk to her.
No, no, it's okay.
She said she'd call you tomorrow.
- No, let me just tell her- - No, no, no.
No, uh, you can't.
- Why not? - Because - I really want you.
- What? Grace, you look really hot in that brown wool suit.
Daniel.
Grace, when are you gonna learn to live in the moment? - You're insane.
- Am I? Come on.
- You know you want to.
- We're in public.
It's kinda hot, right? All right.
You've got six minutes.
Come on, Daniel.
Come on.
So we would've had the party at our house, but we're still redoing the apartment.
Well, we're not redoing it.
We just bought a new couch.
It's purple.
Purple? You like purple? Well, it's a moon color.
It's empowering.
Well, but buying a couch is the first step.
You know what's next, don't you? What? A coffee table? No, I was gonna say a mortgage.
Oh, right.
It's just a couch.
Oh.
Oh, I love this.
Henry.
Henry, come dance with me.
Uh, okay.
Uh, Betty? What? Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
Look, I don't know what I've done, but you're vibrating.
Oh! Sorry.
- Hello? - Betty, it's Claire Meade.
Am I interrupting something? Um, I'm at a friend's birthday.
Good.
Then you're free.
I need you to bring me a corporate credit card.
It's an emergency.
I'm at the Grand Regent.
Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do? How do you feel about going to the Grand Regent? Am I that good of a slow dancer? No, no.
That's not what I meant.
I, um, I- I need to run an errand.
Will you come with me? Yeah.
What do you mean, you're running away? I am going to the airport and taking the first flight to wherever it is that people go when they disappear.
You don't need to disappear.
Oh, yes, I do.
I destroyed my family.
Daniel made that quite clear.
They're better off without me.
No, they're not.
Betty, I have already caused them so much pain.
I need to go far away where I don't hurt them anymore.
You know what? You're not thinking very clearly.
We should call Daniel.
Maybe you're right.
Let-let me see your phone.
Did that jump out of my hand? - Now let me have the credit card.
- No.
I don't have it.
I left it at home in Queens.
It's on the way to the airport.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm parked in a horse and carriage zone.
Who is this? Um, this is Dr.
Farkas.
We are sort of on a date.
Doctor? I thought it was the accountant you liked.
No, no, Mrs.
Meade, no.
Uh, he has a girlfriend.
That was a very long time ago.
We're friends.
We're just friends.
I believe you.
Well, this is an awkward moment.
Leave it to me.
I kill everything.
Sex on a dirty floor.
Daniel Meade- always a class act.
So Marc has pleased you? Oh, stop talking in the third person and take your pick from the goody basket.
I have a delivery to make.
That lying bastard! Alexis, I have some expense report issues to go over.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt something? My brother lied to me.
He's sleeping with Grace Chin.
He said he didn't know her.
Interesting.
You trusted Daniel, and he betrayed you.
I went through something very similar with a former friend.
Help.
Please help.
Help me! Hello? You all right in there? Oh, thank god.
I haven't been able to pee all day, and I was simply trying to stand over the toilet, and now I can't get down.
Okay, help.
You do know I'm gonna have to talk to your mother tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, you can try, but she might disappear again.
That's what she does, disappear.
I told you.
She's nuts.
Good, because that'll be her defense.
What? Daniel, I know she did it.
Grace, that's not true.
Come on, Daniel.
Every time I bring up your mother, you get all freaked out and then you want to have sex.
You either have some weird oedipal thing, or your mother's guilty.
So do you wanna have sex? I know you're trying to protect her, but hear me out.
If your mother confesses, I can help her.
Oh, that's not an option.
I can have her doctor testify that she was paranoid.
You want her to plead insanity? I'll argue that she believed that Fey Sommers was gonna kill her.
It was kill or be killed.
You actually think you can win this way? I know I can.
Well, isn't this a surprise? What the hell are you doing here? All those angry women and you never changed the locks? You must be Grace Chin.
Hi.
Daniel, that woman you claimed you've never met? She's in your bed.
Hmm.
My, what a cute little house.
I could put it right in my pocket.
Uh, so listen, it looks like you've got your hands full here.
- I think I'm just gonna head off.
- No, no, no, no.
Stay, stay.
This is just gonna take a couple of minutes, and then we can get back to our date.
We can grab a drink or- or get some pie.
I love pie.
What's your favorite pie? - Uh, rhubarb.
- Oh, me, too.
Actually, blueberry, but rhubarb sounds fun.
Oh, you should really steer away from blueberry.
- It stains your teeth.
- Really? Wow, you really can't bottle this kind of chemistry.
Okay, Betty, there's a flight to Vladivostok at midnight.
They just opened a W there.
I really need that credit card.
Mrs.
Meade, you don't need to do this.
- You didn't do anything.
- I killed Fey Sommers.
Um okay.
I know you think so, but Daniel told me that you tend to make things up when you're drinking.
Well, I'm not drinking now.
I had her brake lines cut.
I followed her for 18 miles, till the fluid ran out.
I watched her crash into a tree and burn and burn and burn.
- I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no.
No, no, stay.
Stay.
It's from a movie.
It's just a game we play.
Uh, guess the quote.
Oh, that was "Firestarter.
" Uh, my turn.
"You complete me.
" - Uh, "Jerry Maguire.
" - Yes! Oh, wow.
You're good at this.
Betty, the credit card? Oh, um, okay, you two keep playing.
Oh, uh, "life is like a box of chocolates.
" I've killed once.
I'll kill again.
I don't know that one.
Hello.
You must be Betty's father.
Claire Meade, Daniel's mother.
Hi.
And, uh, who is this? This is Betty's date.
Oh, you must be Henry.
I've heard a lot about you.
No, no, no.
The accountant has a girlfriend.
This is the orthodontist.
Oh.
Uh, you seem nice.
Well, I've seen the accountant.
Much hotter.
Betty, I really gotta go.
No! Stay! At least I owe you a cup of coffee.
I'll make some.
Mrs.
Meade, what do you take for coffee? Vodka and ice, hold the coffee.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, thanks.
Come on, Daniel.
Come on.
Come on, Daniel! Come on! What do you want? I want her to recuse herself from the case.
Why? My relationship with Daniel doesn't affect my ability to defend your father.
Let's hope the judge thinks so when I give this to him.
Or maybe I'll put it on the internet.
I'm sure there are tons of people out there who would love seeing a lawyer getting screwed for a change.
Okay.
The Chin is done here.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Wait.
What are you saying? She's saying she doesn't want to ruin her career.
This isn't about my career.
I just don't have the time or the patience for you people.
I have enough murderers to put back on the street, and their families actually support them.
You don't need a lawyer.
You need a good shrink and maybe a closer shave.
How could you do this? How could you help our father? Our father's innocent.
Mom killed Fey.
What? Why do you think I have to keep this from you? You never listen to me.
I can't talk to you.
Mom is guilty.
You just ran the best lawyer in town out my door.
You just put our mother in prison.
- So you're the one? - I beg your pardon? You're the ho stealing my man.
It's unlikely that we would have the same man in common.
We certainly don't have the same hairdresser.
Oh, you just crossed the line.
Did you just shove me? Hey, hey- oh, you just slapped me.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on? I have no idea how this started.
All I know is that tonight we were supposed to get a credit card and leave the country.
So you were gonna run off and marry this bag of bones for a green card? "Bag of bones"? I- I'm not marrying anybody.
Constance, please.
Can we talk about this in the kitchen? - Who's carrot cake anyway? - That's Betty's date.
Oh, so that's the accountant? No, no.
That's Henry.
So what's with you and the skinny blonde bitch? Mrs.
Meade is not my girlfriend.
And by the way, Constance, neither are you.
Why are you stalking me? Excuse me? I am not stalking you.
I am monitoring an illegal immigrant who is a flight risk? I'm not flying anywhere.
Look, look, let me make a cup of one of your international coffees Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is is? A tracking device, I'm doing it for your own good, nacho, before you do something you'll regret.
Constance, be reasonable.
And with this tracking device, I will know where you are every minute of every day.
You step outside this house and I will know.
And I'm guessing miss fancy pants out there don't live in this 'hood.
What was that noise? - What are you doing? - Uh, leaving.
No, no, no.
I'm almost done here, and then we can go get that pie.
Betty, there's not gonna be any pie.
Why? It's obvious you still have feelings for Henry.
What? No, I-I don't.
Betty, I could see it at the party, and I think everyone else can see it, too.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I- I really do think you're a great guy.
I guess I-I just asked you out for all the wrong reasons.
I don't know.
It's okay.
I should probably know better than to date my patients anyway, especially the cute ones.
Um I-I will see you at your appointment next month.
Okay.
"Here's looking at you, kid.
" "Casablanca.
" Well that was very sweet.
Sticky, but sweet.
Tick-tock, Betty.
I have a flight to catch.
Now where's that credit card? Okay, I got it.
Betty, that's a library card.
Oh, my god.
I must have checked out the books with the credit card.
I'll go call them.
Betty, you're lying.
With so many saints in your living room, how can you lie like that? You called Daniel, didn't you? I had to.
Look, if you did what you said you did, then your family has to deel with this.
Family.
There's not much of a family left.
My husband spent 20 years of our marriage in love with another woman, and she flaunted it in front of me.
I watched the man I love love someone else.
And it killed me.
Promise me you won't make the same mistake that I did, Betty.
I promise.
What do I do? I don't know, but I don't think that running away is the answer.
I mean won't it just keep following you? Maybe we both need to be strong and face the things that we don't want to, no matter how scary they are, because that's the only way we can live with ourselves.
You're a smart girl, Betty.
I need to make a phone call.
Reporting live in Jackson Heights, Queens, where Claire Meade, wife of publishing magnate Bradford Meade, has turned herself in to the authorities.
The district attorney has confirmed that Mrs.
Meade has confessed to the murder of former "Mode" editor-in-chief Fey Sommers, the crime for which Mrs.
Meade's husband is currently in custody.
Further inquiries revealed that Mr.
Meade's defense attorney, Grace Chin, has removed herself from the case.
Now that's what I call brotherly love.
It's a shame, really.
That family's just beyond repair.
Bradford Meade is expected to be released in the next 24 hours and all murder charges dropped.
Alexis is not gonna like that.
She didn't spend much time at the top.
Nice work both of you.
Oswald Lorenzo has another treat for you.
Listen, you trendy little monkey, you can tell your boss he completely humiliated me.
I have rubber burns all over my ass, and it took two sticks of butter just to get the top off.
Fashion is a pain.
That dress looked awful.
Of course it did.
You didn't have the hat.
It comes with a hat? I totally have a hat face.
I know.
Enjoy! Oh, my god.
She's wearing it! Oh, she loves it.
She looks like a traffic cone.
That'll teach that bitch to shove me in a bar.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hi.
You left early last night.
I didn't get a- I mean, Charlie and I didn't get a chance to talk to you very much.
I guess that whole Claire Meade thing really spiraled out of control, huh? What was that all about? It's a long story.
Most of it's in "the New York Times.
" Do you want to get lunch with me and Charlie today? - There's this new place- - I can't.
Uh, okay.
Maybe tomorrow then.
No.
I can't.
I can't spend time with you and your girlfriend, Henry.
It's just not good for me.
Sure.
Okay.
I guess, uh, I just thought we could all be friends.
Yeah.
I just I don't really think that I I can do that right now.
So what does that make us? Two people who work in the same building.
Okay.
I saved you a slice.
Daniel Meade's office.
This is Betty Suarez.
Yes.
What time is best to return your call? Great.
I'll let him know.
Have a good day.
Daniel Meade's office.
This is Betty Suarez.