Xena: Warrior Princess s01e17 Episode Script

Hail the jewel.
Well, hello handsome.
Now, I know what you want, but I'm afraid a broken heart is all I can give you at the moment.
We need to talk.
Talk is cheap I have an expensive ear.
You are a very persistent woman.
But this is mine.
I stole it I have uses for it.
Now, what would I want with a melted chunk of rock sugar ? Sure looked like a diamond, didn't it ? Well, I applaud your attempt, but it's not quite that easy to catch the King of Thieves.
This is not good Not easy to catch, but not impossible.
- Xena, right.
- On your feet.
No, this is fine.
I hope you have a very good reason for this.
I want you to steal the most valuable object in the world.
Well things are looking up.
In a time of ancient gods warlords and kings A land in turmoil cried out for a hero She was Xena a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world Tying my hands is really unnecessary.
I said I would listen to your proposition.
And it's not like you would lie to us now, is it ? I haven't yet.
Didn't Hercules tell you I was an honorable man ? Well, at least cover my hands.
It's embarrassing ! for Zeus's sake.
Thank you.
- Do you know Malthus ? - Malthus, the warlord, I'm assuming.
Yes, his island is just off the coast.
- I don't steal from him, by the way.
- He's afraid.
No we have an arrangement I don't steal from him, and he doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers.
It's worked out very well so far.
How clumsy of me ! Malthus has stolen a valuable chest.
He plans to auction it off this week.
What makes this chest so valuable ? Oh, it's covered with jewels and gold-leaf.
It contains the most powerful weapon this world has ever known.
- What kind of weapon ? - I don't know I just know it exists.
So does Malthus.
The people coming to bid are the most ruthless villains alive.
I want that chest.
You don't exactly strike me as the mercenary type.
That chest is very important to some friends of mine.
I promised to return it to them.
Will you help ? No.
Not because I wouldn't want to do your bidding that's another subject but as I explained before, Malthus and I have an arrangement.
Well, the dagger was a nice touch, but it took me about oh, all of four seconds to get around it.
That, however, was very good.
Oh, for the love of Zeus.
A really good thief would jump at the chance to steal from Malthus.
Well, only if he deserved the reputation as the greatest thief that ever lived.
I thought Hercules said it was this guy.
Apparently, he was wrong.
I heard that Malacious of Amphese is good and available.
You're trying to use my ego against me.
- I didn't think it would work.
- No, it worked I'll do it.
Not for money, though I'll take a reward But mainly because I am The King of Thieves.
You will certainly have the gratitude of my people.
Your gratitude is all any man could ever want However, this particular man - has financial needs.
- Is money the only thing in your life ? I believe it is Now we were talking about a reward.
Obviously, no expense has been spared.
It's all they have.
This thing means a lot to you ? It's hard to explain.
Have you ever known anything that defines what you are as a person and a people ? It may be just metal or jewels and stone to others.
But, to us, it's who we are.
You've hired the best.
You'll get it back.
Sinteres is rich and he's feared.
He hires himself out as the ultimate assassin.
If anybody can afford this auction, he can.
That's why you're going as him.
Reputation and wealth, well that's good cover.
And where is our friend at the moment ? Wrapped in an overthrow of Hytillus, we should be done before he gets back.
Sinteres dresses very well.
Oh, I like this ring.
That's mine.
I got it from a beautiful princess.
- Was it a gift ? - You're so young.
So, tell me more about this Sinteres.
Well, I've only heard a few stories, but he's known as the Warrior Philosopher.
Everything he says sounds philosophical.
- He always chews on toothpicks.
- Toothpicks ? He's deadly he once killed a man with only a rose petal.
Interesting toothpicks.
I'm going along as your assistant.
Sinteres isn't known to have one, but I don't think anyone'll ask questions.
Well, let's hope he's at least as debonair and charming as I am, or no one will be fooled.
This guy's incredible.
I mean yes, he's good-looking, but give me a break.
Look, we should be done in three or four days and then we won't see him any more.
I think I've found your disguise the assistant to Sinteres would wear no less.
Any less and there wouldn't be.
Stick to the philosophy and not the fantasy.
I must tell you I'm not very fond of water.
You sure this leaky tub is the right one ? - Yes, I'm sure, Lord Sinteres.
- Lord Sinteres ? Sinteres ? The journey to the island will take all night.
My master, Malthus, has provided food for the journey.
- We leave momentarily.
- Tell us about the weapon.
Malthus will answer your questions, I will answer none.
I'm Magmar of the Gauls.
And I want you should know I don't fear you.
You must excuse my lord.
It's been a long journey, and we're very tired.
The fact that he plays with you is a good thing.
It means he likes you.
Strange humor.
Magmar can tell a joke from a challenge.
And a challenge with humor brings mirth without blood.
- Allow me to introduce my assist - Concubine Cherish.
She's just a little nervous, you see, because, she's never been on a ship before.
So, I bought her some new clothes.
Why don't you go below decks and slip into this ? You'll feel much better.
Isn't she something ? Of course, the trick in killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist.
The drawback is it kills instantly, so there's no time to gather information.
So for situations like that, well, I use a muffin.
Is that what you used to kill Neolos ? Neolos well I I've killed so many, so many ways, apricots, muffins, those little things that keep your shirt together instead of buttons.
I can't recall.
But know this that bastard Neolos died a death that was long and painful.
He was my brother.
Yes, well, of course, I must be thinking of the other Neolos.
Perhaps, you were.
Well very nice like the gentle dew of the morning breath clinging lightly to your heaving Might I have a word with you alone, Lord Sinteres ? What do you think you're doing ? 'Concubine ?' Oh, come on Do you really think those people would believe that someone like Sinteres would have someone like you without - having someone like you ? - Just you watch it.
- That really is a good look on you.
- Don't start with me, now.
Sinteres this is for Neolos.
Hold on ! No one kills a member of my family without paying a price.
You should raise your prices.
Now, my problem is a vexing one kill you, and ruin a beautiful, starry night or just injure you to prove a point.
You're still more myth than man and I'm the one to prove it.
Don't look at me.
Well that worked up an appetite.
And hunger is the gods' way of saying 'Eat' ! And I said no need to worry.
It was a stuffed chief of the guards ! Where's your woman ? Did she drown ? No, no, she didn't drown.
She should be here momentarily.
She's newly-conquered territory.
You know how it is.
Virgin grounds of rubbish ! Yes, you see, a a woman's chastity is like a new hat A beautiful thing that's going to kill me.
What took you so long my dear finishing up my laundry ? Yes you left something hanging on the line.
Ah yes.
Well, I knew you could take care of it.
Come, sit, and grab those grapes while you're at it.
A little something sweet for after dinner ? So Lord Sinteres, what have we learned about this weapon ? Does it really matter ? How about some grapes ? Malthus will be greeting his visitors in one turn of the sand-glass.
If you should need anything knock on the door and ask the guard for me.
Arkel doesn't want us wandering around his master's castle.
Nice.
Comfy Well, Malthus certainly is the host.
We're not here to enjoy ourselves.
Any ideas how you're gonna get that chest ? What makes you think Malthus is just gonna let everyone go once it's missing ? Magmar told me that his former boss has got a big ego almost as big as yours.
Nothing is as big as mine.
Once he discovers it's missing Malthus will call off the auction, without explanation, and send us all home.
I like it.
But you started by saying, 'Once we have the chest.
' That's your department.
We need to talk to Malthus and find out as much as we can.
Well we still have plenty of time before the banquet.
Only one bed.
Don't even think about it.
Well far from it ! Tell you what I'll flip you for it.
Tails Heads it is.
Power to rule the world.
What's it worth ? How much will you pay ? Ah, Lord Malthus if this weapon is so powerful, then why are you selling it ? I don't fear it I know its secret.
So don't even think about buying it to use against me.
Now let's look at why we're here.
Please don't invisible threads made from human hair and spider silk.
If one is broken, it sets off an alarm.
Invisible, right.
Counterweight balance even the slightest change, lighter or heaver No one gets near this chest without me knowing about it assuming they're able to gain entrance to this room.
The weapon will be demonstrated tomorrow at noon.
In the meantime, enjoy my hospitality.
Let's get to work.
I got you here, now what ? Now, I need a distraction for my work.
Lord Malthus, your hospitality is graciously accepted.
But, please accept a gift of my own.
For the entertainment of all my very own Cherish and her dance of the three veils.
Keep them interested, and make me proud.
You've got two veils ! I lost count.
Where are we ? Two amazing.
- What did you pay for her ? - I'll let you set the price.
She might just be that added incentive to my bid on the chest ? They want to see more, Cherish.
That'll be enough for now, Cherish thank you.
If she has interest as a bargaining chip, I guess there shoud remain some mystery.
What ? My goodness.
She's got spunk.
It's all set.
Before anyone notices it's missing, the chest will be tied to the anchor.
- And now for the hard part.
- Hard for you, easy, run-of-the-mill for me.
There are four alarm bells connected to those ropes.
Once I secure the bells, move swiftly and stay low.
What about the spider-silk threads ? Invisible threads ? That's the oldest trick in the book.
Xena, there are no threads trust me.
Seems a little crowded in there.
'No threads ? Trust you ?' What is all this about, Arkel ? You know, I've got a few complaints for Malthus about you.
- Malthus is dead.
- Well, you're off the hook this time.
Somebody in this room killed him and stole the chest.
Take care who you insult.
Malthus was a fool.
He didn't fear the truth, but he turned his back on an assassin.
Then, the auction's off, I guess.
Well, what a shame.
We'll just have to pack our bags.
What time is the boat leaving ? The boat has already left.
And it's gonna stay away until I have either the chest or the murderer.
I am out of here.
What do you mean, you're out of here ? Malthus' ego was important to our plan.
Now he's dead.
So is his ego.
So is our plan.
Now any good thief knows when to back off and pick another pocket.
I can't give up.
This chest is too important to my friends.
Some advice from me to you find less demanding friends.
There was a time, when I was young, I was wounded in battle and those people found me.
They dressed my wounds and fed me, though they had nothing to spare.
And then, when the enemy came to find me, one of them died protecting me.
However, I can't expect that you would understand that.
Understand ? What, just because I'm a thief, no matter how or why ? Well, I just figured you learned it from your father.
My father well, that would be an interesting subject, except that he was killed before I was born.
My mother died when I was eight, so, it was just my older brother to take care of me like those people took care of you.
And, when he was killed, you do what you can to survive.
If we find out who killed Malthus, we'll find that chest.
Well, let's get on with it then, shall we ? Ah, yes, but first, I must get some sleep and I get the bed this time, thank you.
The chest ! - Who is it ? - Arkel sent me to search the room.
Multi-million dinar castle and no closets.
- Come on ! Open up ! - One minute ! What's going on in there ? I've never been dead before.
This should be interestng.
Open up ! I told you to wait.
Please don't be angry with them, Lord Sinteres.
What ? Ah, yes, yes, I'm enraged.
Why, if there was ever a moment where I was more enraged, I haven't found it yet.
Cherish, my toothpicks.
- You'd better go and hurry.
- This looks secure my apologies.
They might come back at any moment.
Maybe we should continue.
'Don't fear the truth, face it, for, to turn away from truth is death.
' That's strange What did Malthus say about not fearing the weapon ? Oh, who cares ? We have the chest.
But, how're we gonna get the boat back ? - We put the chest back where it came from.
- Sure we put the The trick is, getting this lowered into place.
Out of curiosity why not just dump this thing in the hallway ? Because, whoever did it thinks they got the upper hand on us.
And putting it right back where he got it might make him think twice.
And, besides, this is the only place the guards aren't searching.
Good point.
You know, Xena, it's funny, Hercules never mentioned you.
Oh, I didn't know you were a confidant of his.
Oh, sure, Herc and I are close, yeah well, f-fairly close.
We, uh we have a mutual respect.
Actually, I kind of like the big guy.
Me too.
You and he didn't Mind your own business, Autolycus.
I didn't think so.
All right, we're secure.
What's next ? Ah, well, I have to think in reverse, here.
I lower myself down there then you swing the chest out when I give the word ? A kiss before I You idiot ! Keep lowering ! Easy for you What are you doing here ? I'm here because a man was killed in this very room, and the thought of it makes my blood boil.
I should expect no less from a concubine of Sinteres.
I'm also here because I knew you'd come eventually.
You've seen a lot of danger in your life, I'll bet.
A fair share and some.
Won't Sinteres be missing you ? I left him passed out in our chambers.
All his energy goes into fighting.
He's not much of a lover.
How are you at walks in the moonlight ? Are you sure Sinteres is asleep ? Positive.
By the gods, you're an animal ! I like that ! - Cherish - My Lord ! Ah, there you are.
Arkel and I were just talking.
Yes, well, it's a good thing because I've killed men for less.
Come on, Cherish.
Did you hear ? The chest has been returned.
After breakfast, Arkel is gonna demonstrate this thing.
And then we can get into it.
They should've found Malthus' killer.
Who's to say who's next ? Attention ! Please.
As you all know, the chest has been recovered.
There will be a demonstration of its deadly power this morning.
Some local fishermen will be wiped from the face of the earth.
But, first I want to introduce you to someone.
Stop ! Damned are those who dare resist a little more pressure, and she's dead.
I am Sinteres the real Sinteres.
Xena, I'm sorry.
I had to do something.
It's all right I was getting tired of this game, anyway.
Sinteres, I've been looking forward to this.
The Warrior Princess we finally meet.
You understand about pressure points.
And who's your colorful friend ? I am Autolycus, the King of Thieves.
Imposter ! Allow me the honor of killing them both to avenge the murder of Malthus.
A murder which you committed yourself.
That's insane ! When we heard that Malthus was dead, you said something about him not fearing the truth.
That was a quote from the writing on the chest.
How could you have known it if you hadn't stolen it ? - You're a dead man, Prognese ! - No, Arkel allow me.
I need to stretch a little bit after the journey.
Hold a dagger on this young one.
Otherwise, Xena might feel bold.
Death has a thousand doors to let out life.
And, Prognese I've saved one just for you.
I'll kill you ! Painful, isn't it ? Excrutiating pain.
And as you feel the blood drain from your lifeless heart I explode your brain ! You can kill her now.
Come on, let's go.
- Follow me ! - Quick ! Get some more men ! Find the three of them and bring me their heads ! - Yes, sir ! - We have a demonstration to attend to.
You're a fool to let her go.
It is my decision to make, Lord Sinteres.
My men will take care of them.
Right now I want to test this marvelous weapon.
Ah, just out of curiosity why did we run ? I mean not that I disagree, but it doesn't seem to be your style.
We came to get the chest that hasn't changed.
How's your head ? Have you ever had a headache that was so painful, you wanted to be dead ? Well, I wish I had one of those right now.
Come here.
Put your head down.
Now I do want to be dead.
It will take a while to lose it.
You're very lucky.
Sinteres knows how to kill using pressure points.
- Is that the same stuff that you know ? - Yeah, it just depends how you use it.
I hate to be a nag, but, what's our next step ? Arkel said that he was going to round up the villagers.
We need to know where he's taking 'em.
Gabrielle, follow them and mark the trail.
- What about the two of you ? - Don't worry about us, just be careful.
Can I ask you something ? Is your life always like this ? Pretty much.
I'm a thief, not a human fly.
Hercules said you were good at this.
Well, if I knew his high esteem for me would land me in this position in the first place I didn't say he held you in high esteem, I just said he said you were good.
You know, it seems pretty clear to me that Hercules doesn't know a diamond in the rough when he sees one.
I mean - look at you.
- Care to explain that ? Well, Hercules could have any woman he wanted.
Obviously, he just passed you by.
Is that supposed to be a compliment ? No just a fact, but if he let someone like you get away then he must be a well, all right, yes, it was a compliment.
Hercules isn't as blind as you think, but neither one of us wants to fool ourselves.
And then there are those of us who live to fool ourselves.
Go this way, Xena.
- There they are ! - Get them ! We haven't got time for this.
- Go on, Xena, I'll hold them off.
- Are you kidding me ? I think I'm kidding myself.
Go on, help those people.
Come on ! Hello again, Sinteres.
You said you were looking forward to this.
Well, I plan to make you happy.
Even though, this will be the last bit of joy you experience on this earth.
Come on, Xena.
Goodbye, Xena.
Whoever kills her gets half this in return ! - Well, I made it.
- I knew you would.
Should I concentrate on anyone in particular, - or do we hate them all ? - Every last one.
Yeah.
Everybody out ! Come on ! Arkel, don't ! Let's see what this weapon can do.
Gabrielle Autolycus don't fear the truth, face it.
Don't run.
That was incredible ! And you want to return this to your friends ? It belongs to them.
And, besides, it'll be safe with them.
'Thou shall not covet, thou shall not steal' ? Who can live by those laws ? It's all there all that we have.
But, money alone cannot repay you for what you've done.
To be honest, I don't think you have anything that can.
Theft is not a thing that we admire but you truly are the King of Thieves.
Yes, I am ah, well we are.
Just make sure everyone knows about it, because I'm only as good as my reputation.
Normally, I'd make a more dramatic exit, but I think I could use a walk.
And what could I say to you ? I've never had a partner in crime before, and after this I never will.
Well, I hate to admit it, but I like him, even though when you strip it all away, he's just a thief for hire.
Is he ? I wish I had known he was going to do that I wouldn't have taken this.
Pretty, isn't it ? Gabrielle, didn't you read those tablets ? 'Thou shall not steal.
' I promise I'll give it back as soon as I find the owner.
No Ancient and Inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.