A.N.T. Farm (2011) s01e18 Episode Script
America Needs TalANT
San Francisco, the City by the Bay! Where tonight, we're fishing for some talent! Welcome to America Needs Talent! I'm your host, Nicky G! Usually I'm killin' it on the hit reality show: Yo! I'm from Jerse But tonight is not about me.
It's about finding generation of talent! And if anyone because I'm full of it! They've come from all over Northern California to what I think is a high school.
I'm not sure, inside one before.
Oh, I'm so excited! America Needs Talent is like one of my top 10 favorite TV talent shows! And Nicky G is in our school! I never miss, Yo! I'm from Jersey! It's so much better than, Hey, y'all, I'm from Georgia! And, Check it out! I'm from Saskatchewan, eh! The only reality show I watch is the one where contestants try to avoid eating poisoned cookies.
Deadliest Batch! TV is just so good these days.
All these contestants at the auditionsll it and make it in Hollywood.
Like her.
What's your name? I, uh Um.
Nicky G.
Cool! That's my name, too.
You gonna kill it tonight? Well, I I'm going to kill it! The name's Lexi, me Lextraordinary.
What? People call you a lot of things, but Lextraordinary isn't one of them.
Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Whoo! Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it You got it We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways 365 days We got it We got it You can dream it You can be it If you can feel it You can believe it 'Cause I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Whoo! Hi, I'm Chyna Parks.
Winning America Needs Talent would be a dream come true.
You know, I mean, a good dream, not the one where I open my sock drawer and thousands of bees fly out.
I'm going to sing now.
Come on Tonight I'm unstoppable Incredibly strong Tonight I'm unstoppable Stop.
But I'm unstoppable.
For my audition, I will dazzle you with the magic of magical magic! I inherited this straitjacket from my grandfather.
Oh, was he an escape artist? No! He was a danger to himself and others.
Now, for an amazing escape.
I'm starting to think there's some sort of trick to this.
Guten Tag.
I am Albert Einstein.
If you are like me, then you probably have wondered what it would have been like had I met Marilyn Monroe.
Did someone call my name? So, Marilyn, what do you think about physics? I don't care about men's physiques, as long as they're smart.
No, no, no! I can sing something else.
Or I can do impressions.
Okay.
Here's my Aunt Nina judging everybody.
Mmm-hmm.
For my audition, I'm going to perform something I wrote to honor the greatest state in this magnificent nation of ours.
New Jersey.
Yo! I'm from Jersey! Huh.
I had no idea! Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style Gave myself a mani-pedi with a nail file I'm a Garden State hottie got a poof in my hair I'm sweet like biscotti make the boys stop and stare Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style! Whoo! I don't get it.
Grandpa used to get out of this thing all the time.
How about I just make you a sandwich? I really need to go to Hollywood.
Just relax! I said "stop" because I didn't need to hear any more.
You made the finals! You're going to Hollywood! And I'll take a chicken parm on ciabatta bread.
Oh, my gosh! I'm going to Hollywood! Oh, I have to go pack! Oh, and pick out my song! Oh, and decide what to wear! After I make you a chicken parm.
This is incredible! For the first time Talent history, ds two people from made the finals.
Two people? Who's the other one? Well, all of Olive? Going to Hollywood with me? Pump your brakes! As I was saying, acts stunk, other except for one.
Lexi Reed.
What? Lextraordinary's in Hollywood! it.
Well, I got my pants off.
Is that anything? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! America Needs Talent! One of my kids is going to be on TV! I was on TV! Remember that time I fell down that well? I had continuous coverage for three days! One of the dangers of having a ten-year-old who can fit in a bucket.
So, anyway, I'm going to LA! And they gave me two airline tickets.
One for me, one for you.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Okay, now, look, Dad, I know you're afraid of flying but we have to do this.
This is the most important thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever! Chyna, you always exaggerate.
You exaggerate like a million times a day.
Okay.
Dad, I don't care what it takes.
I'm getting you over your fear of flying.
Peanuts, sir? Would you stop kicking my seat? Don't you talk to my baby that way! When are we going to get off of this tin death trap? This airplane is perfectly safe, sir.
Safe? The pilot barely finished tenth grade.
And he's steering with a soft pretzel.
Sir, please try to pull it together.
Because I've been informed by the tower that this is very important to your daughter.
This is your captain speaking.
We're entering a patch of Holy fuselage! We've lost an engine! We're going down! Excuse me, is there a doctor on board? Preferably a therapist? Ugh! I can't fit all my makeup in here.
I need to look my best.
If Chyna beats me, I'll die! America Needs Talent is a competition to the death? These reality shows are getting out of hand.
Ugh! Stupid airlines and their two bag limit.
Why don't you just leave your makeup here and we can buy you new stuff when we get to LA? Are you clueless? No! I'm just doing a magic act! I spent years getting the perfect collection of beauty products to match my unique skin tone.
Sorry, Paisley.
I'm going to need your bags.
But where will I put my clothes? All right.
Let's get to the airport.
Paisley, my bags.
Right.
Sorry.
See, Chyna? Driving is much less stressful than flying.
Fletcher! Would you stop kicking my seat? We're not playing that game anymore.
I know, but he yelled at me.
Okay, I cannot let Lexi look better than me on the show.
So which dress should I wear? This one, or this one? Chyna, put those down! I can't see! Oh, sorry.
And go with the ruby one.
You always look better in jewel tones.
I can't wait to get to LA! Me, too.
I'm trying to get on that game show, The Brainy Bunch, "Where contestants flex their intellectual muscles and compete for cash prizes!" I really hope traffic is light on the freeway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't take the freeway.
We have to drive along the coast and visit the Danish village of Solvang.
Look, guys, I really just want to get to LA.
I can't risk being late for America Needs Talent.
Chyna's right.
And I promised her we wouldn't make any unnecessary stops.
It says Solvang's local delicacy is called ebelskivers.
Little fried dough balls.
Fried dough balls? Scenic road it is! It's hot in LA! I'm going to put on these shorts I bought in the gift shop.
Oh! And what are you waiting for? Career advice? Too late.
Okay, Paisley.
Here's my makeup.
I want it organized alphabetically.
Okay, by color.
But everything in here's green.
What? Oh, my gosh! There's like a million dollars in here.
What am I supposed to do without my makeup? Why does everything bad always happen to me? Hey, Chyna, you know what you should sing on the show? The stirring national anthem of Slovakia.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
It would never be as good as Celine Dion's version.
Dad, why are we stopped here? The sign says, "Scenic overlook.
" You can't overlook an overlook.
Especially not this time of year.
It's walrus spawning season.
I want to see that.
Well, I don't see any walruses.
Let's go! Maybe I can ask that portly, bucktoothed gentleman if he's seen any walruses.
That is a walrus and he's blocking our way! Relax.
I'm very good with animals.
Move it, fatty! I wouldn't do that.
Your horn could be mistaken for the loud barking noise the males use to challenge the dominance of the beach master.
What happens if we challenge the beach master? I'm guessing that! Okay, this is bad.
Really bad.
No kidding.
That walrus is slobbering all over San Francisco's cleanest cop car! I wanted to be on America Needs Talent, not When Walruses Attack.
Although I would totally watch that show.
The walrus is fighting for male dominance.
He won't relent until he's won the affections of a female.
Okay, so we just need to get a female walrus.
Oh.
Don't worry.
I know where we can find one.
This is your plan? What are we supposed to do now? Well, I guess we just get the walrus to be attracted to us.
No problem.
Well, hello there, you handsome fellow.
La la la la la la la You know nothing about flirting.
Run! I can't get out of this thing! Can someone give me a hand? Uh-oh! Paisley, you've been counting that money for an hour.
Are you done yet? Yes.
There is one bag of money.
Yes, yes! Did you find it? So, did they find it? Yes, Paisley.
That's why I threw the phone.
To celebrate that they found my bag.
Yay! Look, the bell boy must have accidentally switched it with someone else's bag.
The hotel's no help.
My aunt's at the spa getting a massage.
We're going to have to look for it ourselves.
In disguise.
A mermaid? What? You told me to dress like a maid.
You didn't say what kind.
Just put this on! Housekeeping! Cameron, are you okay? I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, well, he seems fine.
So let's just get in the car and get back to LA.
Excuse me, folks.
I'm going to need to ask you a few questions.
Uh, is there a problem, officer? You weren't, by any chance, harassing the local wildlife, hmm? No way! If anything it was harassing me.
Are you aware that interacting with a walrus is illegal in the township of Solvang? Good sir, you could probably tell this by my good manners and Nordic features, but my great-great-grandmother was Danish.
Mmm-hmm? Looks like it was all downhill from there.
Okay, look, sir, we are just passing through on our way to LA Right.
"Passing through.
" Because Solvang isn't good enough for you.
It doesn't have the bright lights and the big shows.
Well, I'll have you know that our local production Thumbelina was hailed by tCopenhagen Gazette as "utrolig.
" Ooh! Sounds underholdende! Are tickets still available? No.
And this is the only ticket you're going to get.
Eight hundred yonkerdoodles? Is that even a real currency? It is the official mock currency of Solvang.
Four yonkerdoodles to a dollar.
Can't we just work this out, cop to cop? I happen to be a highly decorated member of the San Francisco police department.
Oh, a big city cop, huh? You think you can just come to our small town and do whatever you want! Ooh! Are those ebelskivers? I've always wanted to try one! These are popovers! You think you're funny, huh? Laughing at that stereotype that policemen are always eating ebelskivers.
Well, let's see how funny you find things in "yail!" And you said there was no way I'd ever get into Yale.
Please, officer.
While your windmill jail is charming and quaint, you have to let us go.
I'm going to be a contestant on America Needs Talent.
America Needs Talent? I love that show.
But I keep waiting for them to bring Danish folk dancers on and they never do! That takes real talent! This is Officer Lars requesting backup.
Where is my money? This some kind of joke? This not my money! Also not match my skin tone.
Housekeeping! Sign say, "Do not disturb! " Can you not read? Nope! Hey! That's my bag! And you spilled my bronzer! You think you can get away with something like that? Don't-ever-touch- my-makeup-again! Call me if you ever want job.
We have jobs! We're maids! What are we going to do? The show's tonight! Thumbelina? Did they add an encore performance? I'm talking about America Needs Talent.
Right now, Lexi's probably in her hotel room, slapping on her tenth coat of bronzer.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck in windmill jail with bail set at one million yonkerdoodles! Look, it's not our fault.
We wouldn't even be in here if that Danish cop wasn't such a "yerk.
" At least he gave me a shirt that wasn't covered in walrus slobber.
Wait! That's the windmill we're in.
And it has a window! I see it.
It's right there.
Stop that! Hey, that window should be right on this wall.
It must be behind the poster.
We can't escape through here.
The blades are spinning too quickly.
No problem.
We can just wait until the winds die down.
Which, according to historical meteorological data, should happen by November.
December at the latest.
November? December at the latest.
Hey, where'd Fletcher go? I'm over here! No! The windmill blades must be creating high suction pressure.
It must've pulled Fletcher out the window when he was standing over here! All right.
The next time I have the chance to win a national talent contest, we are taking the freeway.
Agreed? Agreed.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Don't tell me what to do.
Yo! Welcome to America Needs Talent! I'm killin' it backstage in Hollywood as the contestants arrive! From crooners we've got it all.
rs, Like this guy here, who creeps me out.
They call me The Great Panini! Big deal.
A quarter.
What am I supposed to do with ten cents? Whoa! I could do with this.
Ndry.
Kidding! I don't do laundry.
I'm super rich a lot of shirts.
Anyway, just one contestant.
Missing.
Tween singing sensation Chyna Parks.
She's missing? I mean, she's missing? I'm here.
Whoa! I'm here! Why do you smell like fish? And why are you covered in oil? Over here! Mommy! Can't you guys just jump down? I don't think so.
It's going too fast.
Okay, maybe there's a way to stop it.
Then you'll each be able to hop off near the ground.
Ooh! There's a shut off switch on the other side of the gate! I can't quite reach it.
But I can almost fit through the bars.
Just make yourself slippery! Slippery? With what? "Pickled herring packed in oil"? Oh! We couldn't take the freeway! And miss this? Whee! Okay.
You can do this.
America Needs Talent.
America Needs Talent.
Oh! Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yes! Aw, the ride's over? Again! Again! I saved a fish from drowning in an oil spill.
The viewer votes are in and only four of you will move on to the final round.
It's time to say goodbye to Paula the Pretzel, Musical Mike, Hat Man, and Kung Fu Granny.
Didn't even feel it! I do 200 face crunches every morning.
Well, it looks like the viewers will choose between.
The Great Panini, Lexi Reed, Jugglin' Jehoshaphat, and our youngest contestant ever, Chyna Parks! I am so proud of Chyna.
Huh? The viewers don't know this, but I've personally taken Chyna under my wing so that someday she can be as talented as I am.
Maybe not this year.
I hope with my help, she'll have her day.
Again, not this year.
I didn't know you two were so close.
Neither did I.
Tell you what.
We'll call the hotel and make sure that you two can room together.
That way, our audience can share in your behind-the-scenes fun.
What? What? What a great idea! I would love to room with my best friend.
What kind of hug is that, best friend? Come on, bring it in! Whoa, what are you doing with all those word boxes? They're called books.
And I'm studying in case I get on that game show.
Okay.
Roman Emperors.
Tiberius, Caligula, Nero His name is Nemo, and he's not an emperor.
He's a fish who has adventures.
Paisley, this game show is important.
How about you let me do your makeup? Have you heard of the drop cloth technique? La-la-la! Not listening.
Keeping my head free of useless information.
A little extra powder under the eyes during application to catch any eye makeup fallout.
Are you done? I just got an email from The Brainy Bunch! I'm going to be a contestant! One time I ate at a deli-contestant.
Wait.
It's partner's week? I need a partner? Where am I going to find anyone? Everyone's busy! Except The TV isn't working! See? The picture's frozen.
Now I'll never find out what happens to that bowl of fruit.
Good morning! Wow! You guys get up early, huh? What's going on? I look just as good as I always do! The morning.
Me and my best friend Chyna just like to play ghost.
Ow! I mean, oooh! All right, I'm going to go hit the gym.
By which I mean my cousin, Jimmy the Gym Giamatti.
He owes me 30 bucks.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to take a shower.
See if I can get the rest of this oil off.
I slipped out of bed 15 times last night.
Guess what! I'm going to be on a game show! If you want to know if you're smarter than a fifth grader, you're not.
Anyway, help me search the room.
I have to find out what Chyna is singing on the show tomorrow.
Why? I'm scheduled to perform before Chyna.
If I sing her song first, I'll steal her thunder and she'll look like a fool.
I know what she's going to sing on the show tomorrow.
You do? What? What is it? A song! According to this star map, Johnny Depp lives right in those bushes.
Come on! What are all these people standing in line for? A bacon truck.
"Getting Piggy With It.
" The bacon truck! This place is famous! But there are like a million people in line.
Well, we got to do something.
They have a double bacon sandwich where the bread is more bacon! Lexi, what are you doing? Just putting your clothes away for you.
Oh, well, thanks, Lexi.
I've been so focused rehearsing my song.
So, what are you going to sing? Probably a song you've already done before, like Dynamite.
You're singing Dynamite? Oh, no, I meant my song's going to be dynamite.
But not the song Dynamite.
The song will be dynamite, but the song will not Dynamite.
It's going to be exceptional.
You're singing Exceptional? No, no, no.
I just meant my dynamite song that isn't Dynamite is going to be exceptional.
Not the song Exceptional, but it will be exceptional.
You'll see.
It'll be beautiful.
Okay, fine, don't tell me.
But I will tell you one thing.
It's going to be crazy and out there.
These days you got to do something really shocking to make an impression.
Like Lady Gaga.
Huh.
And everything is in here.
The song, the dance moves, the costume design.
Well, I'm going to go down to the restaurant.
You want anything? No, thanks.
Everything I need is right here.
Okay.
Well, if you're not hungry, you could've just told me that without being so ominous.
Wow, this is shocking.
But not as shocking as this.
Okay.
Yesterday, the truck left before we got any bacon, but today, failure is not an option.
This is LA.
Maybe a celebrity will come by and distract everyone.
Why wait? I'm a dead ringer for a celebrity.
Look, everyone! It's Oprah Winfrey! Who wants some bacon? Well, you don't have to stand in line because each of you are getting your very own bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You all get a bacon truck! Whoo! Now, your bacon trucks will be waiting for you in the long-term parking at Long Beach Airport! This way! It's this way! Go this way! Go! Whoo! Looks like we're next in line after this kid orders.
Oh, hey, guys! Angus? What are you doing in Los Angeles? Dude, bacon truck.
I'll start with a bowl of bacon chowder in a bacon bowl.
Chinese bacon salad, a bacon burrito with bacon salsa.
Ooh! Spaghetti and bacon balls! And welcome back to The Brainy Bunch! I'm your host, Barry Williams.
Okay, Paisley, remember, let me answer all of the questions.
We've met our contestants, so let's start the game with this question! What mythological creature is a composite of half man half horse? So easy.
Paisley, go ahead.
What is cotton candy? I am sorry.
That is incorrect.
And you don't have to answer in the form of a question.
Oh, I wasn't answering.
I was just wondering what cotton candy is.
Seriously, I have no idea.
My mom! I like cookies! Yup! It's still working! You look familiar.
Were you on The Partridge Family? Oh! This is it.
Our big night.
And if I can't win, I hope you do.
And if I can't win, I hope the building burns down.
I'm kidding.
Oh.
So, I cannot wait to see what you have planned.
Probably something incredibly original that no one will have ever seen before.
Well, I think what I'm going to do is really going to surprise some people.
Oh, it'll be a surprise.
A big surprise.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
Why you talking all evil like? I'm terribly sorry, Paisley.
I was looking for Roman Emperor Nero.
Not, "Where am I?" "Where am I?" I don't know either! The game's not over yet though.
Olive and Paisley can still pull ahead and win the $50,000 with the final jackpot question.
We'll be back right after these messages.
True! Listen, Paisley, this is important.
When the host asks the final question, do not press the buzzer.
But No matter what, under any circumstances, even if the world is being attacked by aliens, and your buzzer can activate a force field to save mankind.
Do not press the buzzer! Got it.
Here's a test.
If your name is Paisley, press the buzzer.
Okay, did you not press the buzzer because I told you not to, or because you forgot your name is Paisley? Doesn't matter.
Works either way.
Just don't buzz.
Welcome back to The Brainy Bunch, for the final jackpot question.
The category is cosmetics.
Oh, Sherwood Schwartz! What application technique uses a little extra powder under the eyes to catch any makeup fallout? Ooh, I know this one! Buzz in.
Seriously, press the buzzer! You said not to.
I know what I said! Now I'm saying, press the buzzer! This is another one of your tests.
It's not a stinkin' test! Buzz in! Come on, buzz.
Come on, you can buzz.
Come on, buzz.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! All right, Paisley.
Tell the nice man about the eye powder thingy.
Actually, I'm going to need the answer from you, Olive.
But Paisley buzzed.
No, you buzzed Paisley's buzzer.
I didn't buzz her buzzer.
She buzzed her buzzer.
Paisley, answer the buzzing question! Olive, you have five seconds to answer the question.
If you are incorrect, your opponents will win the $50,000! Uh Lipstick? No! The Drop Cloth technique! Jeff and Rachel, you win the $50,000.
Bacon ice-cream with hot bacon sauce.
Oh, and a side of bacon.
Guys, get up! I'm done ordering.
Out of my way, I'm ordering first! Whoo! Hoo! Sold out? Are you kidding me? Don't worry.
Their stuff's not even that good.
Yo, taxi! San Francisco, please.
Our next finalist is San Francisco's own Lexi Reed! Donut make you sad Donut make you cry When the person you love Up and says goodbye I'm feeling so plain I'm feeling old-fashioned Life's kind of stale My days have no passion There's a hole in my life I've lost my twinkle It hurts so bad right here in my sprinkle But now I'm moving on to better days I'll powder my nose I'll put on some glaze My pain's a day old No, I won't be a quitter Someone will love this sweet apple fritter It feels better now, donut? Wow! That performance makes me want a bear claw.
An actual bear claw so I could scratch out my eyes.
Anyway, time to take a little break.
Remember to call and text in your votes! Ha! Let's see what people think when you do the exact same Wait.
You're not a donut.
You look gorgeous! Thank you, Lexi.
I don't understand.
I stole your song.
No.
You stole the fake song I left for you to steal after I heard you tell Paisley your plan.
That glass to the wall thing, it really works.
Welcome back to Yo, I'm from Jer I mean, America Needs Talent! It's confusing being so successful in the arts.
How could you do this to me? You did it to yourself.
You're really talented, Lexi.
You should've just done your own song.
What if it wasn't as good as yours? See? All you ever do is worry about what I'm doing.
Ever since I came to Webster High, you've seen me as a threat and tried to make me feel small.
Up next, pint-sized singing sensation, Chyna Parks! Well, here's what I have to say to that.
Every day is so wonderful Then suddenly it's hard to breathe Now and then I get insecure From all the pain, I'm so ashamed I am beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring me down I am beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring me down Oh, no So don't you bring me down today To all your friends you're delirious So consumed in all your doom You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down Oh, no You are beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring you down Oh, no So, don't you bring me down today Don't look at me! I got spray tan in my eye! Chyna, that was amazing! Thanks, I just really You really think I'm beautiful? You sang an entire song about how I'm beautiful.
Well, sure.
Why not? And just remember, Lexi, we can both shine.
There's plenty of room for the two of us.
Well, the votes are in and America has chosen.
And no surprise, the winner of America Needs Talent is The Great Panini! The Great Panini is just my stage name.
To most, I am known as Gibson! Gibson? You're an amazing magician! But you were terrible at the tryouts.
That's why I auditioned again in Seattle as The Great Panini.
By the way, people get really freaked out when you wear a straitjacket on the bus.
That trick you did ** yourself in half was incredible! How did you do it? Oh! A magician never reveals his secrets.
Well, I guess we both come back to San Francisco.
Yeah.
both your suitcases?
It's about finding generation of talent! And if anyone because I'm full of it! They've come from all over Northern California to what I think is a high school.
I'm not sure, inside one before.
Oh, I'm so excited! America Needs Talent is like one of my top 10 favorite TV talent shows! And Nicky G is in our school! I never miss, Yo! I'm from Jersey! It's so much better than, Hey, y'all, I'm from Georgia! And, Check it out! I'm from Saskatchewan, eh! The only reality show I watch is the one where contestants try to avoid eating poisoned cookies.
Deadliest Batch! TV is just so good these days.
All these contestants at the auditionsll it and make it in Hollywood.
Like her.
What's your name? I, uh Um.
Nicky G.
Cool! That's my name, too.
You gonna kill it tonight? Well, I I'm going to kill it! The name's Lexi, me Lextraordinary.
What? People call you a lot of things, but Lextraordinary isn't one of them.
Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Whoo! Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it You got it We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways 365 days We got it We got it You can dream it You can be it If you can feel it You can believe it 'Cause I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Whoo! Hi, I'm Chyna Parks.
Winning America Needs Talent would be a dream come true.
You know, I mean, a good dream, not the one where I open my sock drawer and thousands of bees fly out.
I'm going to sing now.
Come on Tonight I'm unstoppable Incredibly strong Tonight I'm unstoppable Stop.
But I'm unstoppable.
For my audition, I will dazzle you with the magic of magical magic! I inherited this straitjacket from my grandfather.
Oh, was he an escape artist? No! He was a danger to himself and others.
Now, for an amazing escape.
I'm starting to think there's some sort of trick to this.
Guten Tag.
I am Albert Einstein.
If you are like me, then you probably have wondered what it would have been like had I met Marilyn Monroe.
Did someone call my name? So, Marilyn, what do you think about physics? I don't care about men's physiques, as long as they're smart.
No, no, no! I can sing something else.
Or I can do impressions.
Okay.
Here's my Aunt Nina judging everybody.
Mmm-hmm.
For my audition, I'm going to perform something I wrote to honor the greatest state in this magnificent nation of ours.
New Jersey.
Yo! I'm from Jersey! Huh.
I had no idea! Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style Gave myself a mani-pedi with a nail file I'm a Garden State hottie got a poof in my hair I'm sweet like biscotti make the boys stop and stare Yo! I'm killing it Jersey style! Whoo! I don't get it.
Grandpa used to get out of this thing all the time.
How about I just make you a sandwich? I really need to go to Hollywood.
Just relax! I said "stop" because I didn't need to hear any more.
You made the finals! You're going to Hollywood! And I'll take a chicken parm on ciabatta bread.
Oh, my gosh! I'm going to Hollywood! Oh, I have to go pack! Oh, and pick out my song! Oh, and decide what to wear! After I make you a chicken parm.
This is incredible! For the first time Talent history, ds two people from made the finals.
Two people? Who's the other one? Well, all of Olive? Going to Hollywood with me? Pump your brakes! As I was saying, acts stunk, other except for one.
Lexi Reed.
What? Lextraordinary's in Hollywood! it.
Well, I got my pants off.
Is that anything? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! America Needs Talent! One of my kids is going to be on TV! I was on TV! Remember that time I fell down that well? I had continuous coverage for three days! One of the dangers of having a ten-year-old who can fit in a bucket.
So, anyway, I'm going to LA! And they gave me two airline tickets.
One for me, one for you.
Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Okay, now, look, Dad, I know you're afraid of flying but we have to do this.
This is the most important thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever! Chyna, you always exaggerate.
You exaggerate like a million times a day.
Okay.
Dad, I don't care what it takes.
I'm getting you over your fear of flying.
Peanuts, sir? Would you stop kicking my seat? Don't you talk to my baby that way! When are we going to get off of this tin death trap? This airplane is perfectly safe, sir.
Safe? The pilot barely finished tenth grade.
And he's steering with a soft pretzel.
Sir, please try to pull it together.
Because I've been informed by the tower that this is very important to your daughter.
This is your captain speaking.
We're entering a patch of Holy fuselage! We've lost an engine! We're going down! Excuse me, is there a doctor on board? Preferably a therapist? Ugh! I can't fit all my makeup in here.
I need to look my best.
If Chyna beats me, I'll die! America Needs Talent is a competition to the death? These reality shows are getting out of hand.
Ugh! Stupid airlines and their two bag limit.
Why don't you just leave your makeup here and we can buy you new stuff when we get to LA? Are you clueless? No! I'm just doing a magic act! I spent years getting the perfect collection of beauty products to match my unique skin tone.
Sorry, Paisley.
I'm going to need your bags.
But where will I put my clothes? All right.
Let's get to the airport.
Paisley, my bags.
Right.
Sorry.
See, Chyna? Driving is much less stressful than flying.
Fletcher! Would you stop kicking my seat? We're not playing that game anymore.
I know, but he yelled at me.
Okay, I cannot let Lexi look better than me on the show.
So which dress should I wear? This one, or this one? Chyna, put those down! I can't see! Oh, sorry.
And go with the ruby one.
You always look better in jewel tones.
I can't wait to get to LA! Me, too.
I'm trying to get on that game show, The Brainy Bunch, "Where contestants flex their intellectual muscles and compete for cash prizes!" I really hope traffic is light on the freeway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't take the freeway.
We have to drive along the coast and visit the Danish village of Solvang.
Look, guys, I really just want to get to LA.
I can't risk being late for America Needs Talent.
Chyna's right.
And I promised her we wouldn't make any unnecessary stops.
It says Solvang's local delicacy is called ebelskivers.
Little fried dough balls.
Fried dough balls? Scenic road it is! It's hot in LA! I'm going to put on these shorts I bought in the gift shop.
Oh! And what are you waiting for? Career advice? Too late.
Okay, Paisley.
Here's my makeup.
I want it organized alphabetically.
Okay, by color.
But everything in here's green.
What? Oh, my gosh! There's like a million dollars in here.
What am I supposed to do without my makeup? Why does everything bad always happen to me? Hey, Chyna, you know what you should sing on the show? The stirring national anthem of Slovakia.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
It would never be as good as Celine Dion's version.
Dad, why are we stopped here? The sign says, "Scenic overlook.
" You can't overlook an overlook.
Especially not this time of year.
It's walrus spawning season.
I want to see that.
Well, I don't see any walruses.
Let's go! Maybe I can ask that portly, bucktoothed gentleman if he's seen any walruses.
That is a walrus and he's blocking our way! Relax.
I'm very good with animals.
Move it, fatty! I wouldn't do that.
Your horn could be mistaken for the loud barking noise the males use to challenge the dominance of the beach master.
What happens if we challenge the beach master? I'm guessing that! Okay, this is bad.
Really bad.
No kidding.
That walrus is slobbering all over San Francisco's cleanest cop car! I wanted to be on America Needs Talent, not When Walruses Attack.
Although I would totally watch that show.
The walrus is fighting for male dominance.
He won't relent until he's won the affections of a female.
Okay, so we just need to get a female walrus.
Oh.
Don't worry.
I know where we can find one.
This is your plan? What are we supposed to do now? Well, I guess we just get the walrus to be attracted to us.
No problem.
Well, hello there, you handsome fellow.
La la la la la la la You know nothing about flirting.
Run! I can't get out of this thing! Can someone give me a hand? Uh-oh! Paisley, you've been counting that money for an hour.
Are you done yet? Yes.
There is one bag of money.
Yes, yes! Did you find it? So, did they find it? Yes, Paisley.
That's why I threw the phone.
To celebrate that they found my bag.
Yay! Look, the bell boy must have accidentally switched it with someone else's bag.
The hotel's no help.
My aunt's at the spa getting a massage.
We're going to have to look for it ourselves.
In disguise.
A mermaid? What? You told me to dress like a maid.
You didn't say what kind.
Just put this on! Housekeeping! Cameron, are you okay? I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, well, he seems fine.
So let's just get in the car and get back to LA.
Excuse me, folks.
I'm going to need to ask you a few questions.
Uh, is there a problem, officer? You weren't, by any chance, harassing the local wildlife, hmm? No way! If anything it was harassing me.
Are you aware that interacting with a walrus is illegal in the township of Solvang? Good sir, you could probably tell this by my good manners and Nordic features, but my great-great-grandmother was Danish.
Mmm-hmm? Looks like it was all downhill from there.
Okay, look, sir, we are just passing through on our way to LA Right.
"Passing through.
" Because Solvang isn't good enough for you.
It doesn't have the bright lights and the big shows.
Well, I'll have you know that our local production Thumbelina was hailed by tCopenhagen Gazette as "utrolig.
" Ooh! Sounds underholdende! Are tickets still available? No.
And this is the only ticket you're going to get.
Eight hundred yonkerdoodles? Is that even a real currency? It is the official mock currency of Solvang.
Four yonkerdoodles to a dollar.
Can't we just work this out, cop to cop? I happen to be a highly decorated member of the San Francisco police department.
Oh, a big city cop, huh? You think you can just come to our small town and do whatever you want! Ooh! Are those ebelskivers? I've always wanted to try one! These are popovers! You think you're funny, huh? Laughing at that stereotype that policemen are always eating ebelskivers.
Well, let's see how funny you find things in "yail!" And you said there was no way I'd ever get into Yale.
Please, officer.
While your windmill jail is charming and quaint, you have to let us go.
I'm going to be a contestant on America Needs Talent.
America Needs Talent? I love that show.
But I keep waiting for them to bring Danish folk dancers on and they never do! That takes real talent! This is Officer Lars requesting backup.
Where is my money? This some kind of joke? This not my money! Also not match my skin tone.
Housekeeping! Sign say, "Do not disturb! " Can you not read? Nope! Hey! That's my bag! And you spilled my bronzer! You think you can get away with something like that? Don't-ever-touch- my-makeup-again! Call me if you ever want job.
We have jobs! We're maids! What are we going to do? The show's tonight! Thumbelina? Did they add an encore performance? I'm talking about America Needs Talent.
Right now, Lexi's probably in her hotel room, slapping on her tenth coat of bronzer.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck in windmill jail with bail set at one million yonkerdoodles! Look, it's not our fault.
We wouldn't even be in here if that Danish cop wasn't such a "yerk.
" At least he gave me a shirt that wasn't covered in walrus slobber.
Wait! That's the windmill we're in.
And it has a window! I see it.
It's right there.
Stop that! Hey, that window should be right on this wall.
It must be behind the poster.
We can't escape through here.
The blades are spinning too quickly.
No problem.
We can just wait until the winds die down.
Which, according to historical meteorological data, should happen by November.
December at the latest.
November? December at the latest.
Hey, where'd Fletcher go? I'm over here! No! The windmill blades must be creating high suction pressure.
It must've pulled Fletcher out the window when he was standing over here! All right.
The next time I have the chance to win a national talent contest, we are taking the freeway.
Agreed? Agreed.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Don't tell me what to do.
Yo! Welcome to America Needs Talent! I'm killin' it backstage in Hollywood as the contestants arrive! From crooners we've got it all.
rs, Like this guy here, who creeps me out.
They call me The Great Panini! Big deal.
A quarter.
What am I supposed to do with ten cents? Whoa! I could do with this.
Ndry.
Kidding! I don't do laundry.
I'm super rich a lot of shirts.
Anyway, just one contestant.
Missing.
Tween singing sensation Chyna Parks.
She's missing? I mean, she's missing? I'm here.
Whoa! I'm here! Why do you smell like fish? And why are you covered in oil? Over here! Mommy! Can't you guys just jump down? I don't think so.
It's going too fast.
Okay, maybe there's a way to stop it.
Then you'll each be able to hop off near the ground.
Ooh! There's a shut off switch on the other side of the gate! I can't quite reach it.
But I can almost fit through the bars.
Just make yourself slippery! Slippery? With what? "Pickled herring packed in oil"? Oh! We couldn't take the freeway! And miss this? Whee! Okay.
You can do this.
America Needs Talent.
America Needs Talent.
Oh! Okay.
Okay.
Oh, yes! Aw, the ride's over? Again! Again! I saved a fish from drowning in an oil spill.
The viewer votes are in and only four of you will move on to the final round.
It's time to say goodbye to Paula the Pretzel, Musical Mike, Hat Man, and Kung Fu Granny.
Didn't even feel it! I do 200 face crunches every morning.
Well, it looks like the viewers will choose between.
The Great Panini, Lexi Reed, Jugglin' Jehoshaphat, and our youngest contestant ever, Chyna Parks! I am so proud of Chyna.
Huh? The viewers don't know this, but I've personally taken Chyna under my wing so that someday she can be as talented as I am.
Maybe not this year.
I hope with my help, she'll have her day.
Again, not this year.
I didn't know you two were so close.
Neither did I.
Tell you what.
We'll call the hotel and make sure that you two can room together.
That way, our audience can share in your behind-the-scenes fun.
What? What? What a great idea! I would love to room with my best friend.
What kind of hug is that, best friend? Come on, bring it in! Whoa, what are you doing with all those word boxes? They're called books.
And I'm studying in case I get on that game show.
Okay.
Roman Emperors.
Tiberius, Caligula, Nero His name is Nemo, and he's not an emperor.
He's a fish who has adventures.
Paisley, this game show is important.
How about you let me do your makeup? Have you heard of the drop cloth technique? La-la-la! Not listening.
Keeping my head free of useless information.
A little extra powder under the eyes during application to catch any eye makeup fallout.
Are you done? I just got an email from The Brainy Bunch! I'm going to be a contestant! One time I ate at a deli-contestant.
Wait.
It's partner's week? I need a partner? Where am I going to find anyone? Everyone's busy! Except The TV isn't working! See? The picture's frozen.
Now I'll never find out what happens to that bowl of fruit.
Good morning! Wow! You guys get up early, huh? What's going on? I look just as good as I always do! The morning.
Me and my best friend Chyna just like to play ghost.
Ow! I mean, oooh! All right, I'm going to go hit the gym.
By which I mean my cousin, Jimmy the Gym Giamatti.
He owes me 30 bucks.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to take a shower.
See if I can get the rest of this oil off.
I slipped out of bed 15 times last night.
Guess what! I'm going to be on a game show! If you want to know if you're smarter than a fifth grader, you're not.
Anyway, help me search the room.
I have to find out what Chyna is singing on the show tomorrow.
Why? I'm scheduled to perform before Chyna.
If I sing her song first, I'll steal her thunder and she'll look like a fool.
I know what she's going to sing on the show tomorrow.
You do? What? What is it? A song! According to this star map, Johnny Depp lives right in those bushes.
Come on! What are all these people standing in line for? A bacon truck.
"Getting Piggy With It.
" The bacon truck! This place is famous! But there are like a million people in line.
Well, we got to do something.
They have a double bacon sandwich where the bread is more bacon! Lexi, what are you doing? Just putting your clothes away for you.
Oh, well, thanks, Lexi.
I've been so focused rehearsing my song.
So, what are you going to sing? Probably a song you've already done before, like Dynamite.
You're singing Dynamite? Oh, no, I meant my song's going to be dynamite.
But not the song Dynamite.
The song will be dynamite, but the song will not Dynamite.
It's going to be exceptional.
You're singing Exceptional? No, no, no.
I just meant my dynamite song that isn't Dynamite is going to be exceptional.
Not the song Exceptional, but it will be exceptional.
You'll see.
It'll be beautiful.
Okay, fine, don't tell me.
But I will tell you one thing.
It's going to be crazy and out there.
These days you got to do something really shocking to make an impression.
Like Lady Gaga.
Huh.
And everything is in here.
The song, the dance moves, the costume design.
Well, I'm going to go down to the restaurant.
You want anything? No, thanks.
Everything I need is right here.
Okay.
Well, if you're not hungry, you could've just told me that without being so ominous.
Wow, this is shocking.
But not as shocking as this.
Okay.
Yesterday, the truck left before we got any bacon, but today, failure is not an option.
This is LA.
Maybe a celebrity will come by and distract everyone.
Why wait? I'm a dead ringer for a celebrity.
Look, everyone! It's Oprah Winfrey! Who wants some bacon? Well, you don't have to stand in line because each of you are getting your very own bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You get a bacon truck! You all get a bacon truck! Whoo! Now, your bacon trucks will be waiting for you in the long-term parking at Long Beach Airport! This way! It's this way! Go this way! Go! Whoo! Looks like we're next in line after this kid orders.
Oh, hey, guys! Angus? What are you doing in Los Angeles? Dude, bacon truck.
I'll start with a bowl of bacon chowder in a bacon bowl.
Chinese bacon salad, a bacon burrito with bacon salsa.
Ooh! Spaghetti and bacon balls! And welcome back to The Brainy Bunch! I'm your host, Barry Williams.
Okay, Paisley, remember, let me answer all of the questions.
We've met our contestants, so let's start the game with this question! What mythological creature is a composite of half man half horse? So easy.
Paisley, go ahead.
What is cotton candy? I am sorry.
That is incorrect.
And you don't have to answer in the form of a question.
Oh, I wasn't answering.
I was just wondering what cotton candy is.
Seriously, I have no idea.
My mom! I like cookies! Yup! It's still working! You look familiar.
Were you on The Partridge Family? Oh! This is it.
Our big night.
And if I can't win, I hope you do.
And if I can't win, I hope the building burns down.
I'm kidding.
Oh.
So, I cannot wait to see what you have planned.
Probably something incredibly original that no one will have ever seen before.
Well, I think what I'm going to do is really going to surprise some people.
Oh, it'll be a surprise.
A big surprise.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
Why you talking all evil like? I'm terribly sorry, Paisley.
I was looking for Roman Emperor Nero.
Not, "Where am I?" "Where am I?" I don't know either! The game's not over yet though.
Olive and Paisley can still pull ahead and win the $50,000 with the final jackpot question.
We'll be back right after these messages.
True! Listen, Paisley, this is important.
When the host asks the final question, do not press the buzzer.
But No matter what, under any circumstances, even if the world is being attacked by aliens, and your buzzer can activate a force field to save mankind.
Do not press the buzzer! Got it.
Here's a test.
If your name is Paisley, press the buzzer.
Okay, did you not press the buzzer because I told you not to, or because you forgot your name is Paisley? Doesn't matter.
Works either way.
Just don't buzz.
Welcome back to The Brainy Bunch, for the final jackpot question.
The category is cosmetics.
Oh, Sherwood Schwartz! What application technique uses a little extra powder under the eyes to catch any makeup fallout? Ooh, I know this one! Buzz in.
Seriously, press the buzzer! You said not to.
I know what I said! Now I'm saying, press the buzzer! This is another one of your tests.
It's not a stinkin' test! Buzz in! Come on, buzz.
Come on, you can buzz.
Come on, buzz.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! All right, Paisley.
Tell the nice man about the eye powder thingy.
Actually, I'm going to need the answer from you, Olive.
But Paisley buzzed.
No, you buzzed Paisley's buzzer.
I didn't buzz her buzzer.
She buzzed her buzzer.
Paisley, answer the buzzing question! Olive, you have five seconds to answer the question.
If you are incorrect, your opponents will win the $50,000! Uh Lipstick? No! The Drop Cloth technique! Jeff and Rachel, you win the $50,000.
Bacon ice-cream with hot bacon sauce.
Oh, and a side of bacon.
Guys, get up! I'm done ordering.
Out of my way, I'm ordering first! Whoo! Hoo! Sold out? Are you kidding me? Don't worry.
Their stuff's not even that good.
Yo, taxi! San Francisco, please.
Our next finalist is San Francisco's own Lexi Reed! Donut make you sad Donut make you cry When the person you love Up and says goodbye I'm feeling so plain I'm feeling old-fashioned Life's kind of stale My days have no passion There's a hole in my life I've lost my twinkle It hurts so bad right here in my sprinkle But now I'm moving on to better days I'll powder my nose I'll put on some glaze My pain's a day old No, I won't be a quitter Someone will love this sweet apple fritter It feels better now, donut? Wow! That performance makes me want a bear claw.
An actual bear claw so I could scratch out my eyes.
Anyway, time to take a little break.
Remember to call and text in your votes! Ha! Let's see what people think when you do the exact same Wait.
You're not a donut.
You look gorgeous! Thank you, Lexi.
I don't understand.
I stole your song.
No.
You stole the fake song I left for you to steal after I heard you tell Paisley your plan.
That glass to the wall thing, it really works.
Welcome back to Yo, I'm from Jer I mean, America Needs Talent! It's confusing being so successful in the arts.
How could you do this to me? You did it to yourself.
You're really talented, Lexi.
You should've just done your own song.
What if it wasn't as good as yours? See? All you ever do is worry about what I'm doing.
Ever since I came to Webster High, you've seen me as a threat and tried to make me feel small.
Up next, pint-sized singing sensation, Chyna Parks! Well, here's what I have to say to that.
Every day is so wonderful Then suddenly it's hard to breathe Now and then I get insecure From all the pain, I'm so ashamed I am beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring me down I am beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring me down Oh, no So don't you bring me down today To all your friends you're delirious So consumed in all your doom You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down Oh, no You are beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring you down Oh, no So, don't you bring me down today Don't look at me! I got spray tan in my eye! Chyna, that was amazing! Thanks, I just really You really think I'm beautiful? You sang an entire song about how I'm beautiful.
Well, sure.
Why not? And just remember, Lexi, we can both shine.
There's plenty of room for the two of us.
Well, the votes are in and America has chosen.
And no surprise, the winner of America Needs Talent is The Great Panini! The Great Panini is just my stage name.
To most, I am known as Gibson! Gibson? You're an amazing magician! But you were terrible at the tryouts.
That's why I auditioned again in Seattle as The Great Panini.
By the way, people get really freaked out when you wear a straitjacket on the bus.
That trick you did ** yourself in half was incredible! How did you do it? Oh! A magician never reveals his secrets.
Well, I guess we both come back to San Francisco.
Yeah.
both your suitcases?