Accidentally on Purpose s01e18 Episode Script

What's going on here? What does it look like, I'm moving this couch? I'm having a baby.
So the first one was a lie? You catch on quick.
I'm sorry.
I'm a bit of a wiseass.
But pain makes me sarcastic! How's this for sarcastic? I'm taking you in.
Is that a joke? No joke.
You're going to jail.
But it's a great jail.
That was sarcastic.
No, no, please, he needs to be with me! You, take her to the hospital.
Daddy's going with me.
Billie, I'm sorry.
No matter what it takes, I'll be there when the baby is born.
I love you! I love you, too! I'll try to keep it in me as long as I can! No, I won't.
No, I won't.
Davis, you got to look out for her for me, man.
Yeah, man, I'm on it 100%! Just concentrate on your breathing.
I'm just not ready to have a baby right now.
There's no way I can do this without drugs! Listen to me.
Go back to my apartment, okay? Inside my nightstand, there's a shoe.
Inside the shoe is a balled-up sock.
You know what? Just bring the whole shoe.
This is always how I pictured this day.
Hi.
I called a few minutes ago.
I'm Billie Chase.
I'm Gavin, Dr.
Roland's nurse.
We've started getting your room ready.
Why don't you two switch places? Oh.
Right.
Of course.
Okay, so you're good? Good.
Wh-what? No, no, no, no! You can't leave me! No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, come on.
You've doubted yourself before.
You can do this.
You didn't think you could eat those 23 hot dogs to win the free hot dog, but you did.
I was high! Hey, all you have to do is stand there and occasionally mumble something supportive, all right? Imagine you're at a strip club.
Okay, but it will be hard to put dollar bills down there when a baby's coming out.
# I can't be anything without you.
# Look, I know I did a bad thing pretending my girlfriend was having a baby that first time, but You wasted time, money and valuable city resources.
And you hurt me.
Say it.
And I hurt you.
And you hurt me.
So, if I was you, I'd just settle in, 'cause your file's going to the bottom of the stack, like any other hump.
But you don't understand.
I need to be there for her, okay? Come on, dude, she's having my baby.
Well My girlfriend's having a baby, too.
Mine, too.
They're copying me.
Stop copying me.
You're a whiny little bitch.
That's just my type.
And my day just keeps getting better.
Your cervix is at four centimeters.
# La, la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la.
# Is this your husband? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, God, no.
I am way out of her league.
So, is your husband on his way? Oh, Zack's not my husband; he's my boyfriend.
And he's in jail.
So that sounds classy.
He did ask me to marry him, but I said, "I don't know," since he's 22 and I'm 37 and this whole thing started out as a drunken one-night stand.
Lucky, lucky baby.
Just so you know, we'll need the baby's full name for the birth certificate before you leave the hospital.
Okay.
Um, then, we're going to need a late checkout.
Okay, so we finally decided on a name.
But I didn't submit my new list yet.
Well, the most important thing is to avoid names that mean kids can turn into a hurtful rhyme.
Like in third grade, you know, they called me "Blabigail.
" I showed them stopped talking for a year.
They thought I went deaf.
Suckers! So, the name? Oh.
- Let's say it at the same time.
- Okay.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
One, two, three.
- Henry Chase.
- Henry Krawchuck.
- Chase? - Krawchuck? Lucky, lucky Yeah, yeah, your family's perfect.
Sorry.
I got here as quick as I could.
Hello, Davis.
Hello, Olivia.
"Hello, Davis.
" "Hello, Olivia.
" What, are you guys in a play? What's going on? Nothing.
You know, we're just trying to put aside our natural disdain for each other because of the coming miracle! Yes, today is all about you, Billie.
Just imagine.
In about 18 hours from now, you are going to be a mom.
Oh, suck it up.
My mother had to perform her own C-section with a broken whiskey bottle.
It's Billie.
Billie! Zack's been arrested, and I need you to get him out of jail because I'm in the hospital, and I'm in labor.
Yay! Oh, wait.
Some of that sounded bad.
It is! He's at the Lombardo station.
The arresting officer was Ravitz, and I really, really need Zack here, Abby.
We are on it.
You can count on us.
Nick's had three Shirley Temples, but I think he's okay to drive.
Olivia, can you go back to my place and get my pre-packed overnight suitcase? It's in that closet in the dining room.
Yeah, of course.
I should help you.
After all, there's probably a lot of junk in that trunk.
It's okay if I leave, right, Nurse Gavin? You should definitely leave because I called security five minutes ago.
Great.
Oh, we're going to get that suitcase.
Can't wait to get my hands on that suitcase.
Not if I beat you to it! - It's a really great suitcase.
When they bring it by, you'll see what all the shouting's about.
You're naming your kid Henry? Yeah.
That's my name.
Was.
Well, now it's Nadine.
It suits you.
I'm telling you, sailor, you're saying all the right things.
The problem is the last name.
Okay, so the hospital baby bag is packed.
But where's my music thingy? That's a funny story.
Remember that flank steak I made that kind of tasted like metal? Yo, Zack, look, we did it! One nipple normal, the other one hard! You tenderized my music thingy? But I had put together the perfect birthing playlist.
I was going to have our baby to Salt-n-Pepa's "Push It, Push It Real Good.
" Well, I wanted the baby to have my last name, so neither of us are getting exactly what we want.
The first song your son's going to hear is "Push It"? I'll save a dress for him.
I got to be honest.
You don't seem like much of a catch.
You're in jail.
You won't let me stab you.
And who's going to marry a guy named Krawchuck? I'll marry him.
See? Thank you, Nadine.
Nadine Krawchuck.
I like the sound of that.
But I got to tell you, I got a bunch of cats.
Don't touch anything.
Police stations are a breeding ground for disease.
It's this kind of attitude that keeps us off The Amazing Race.
Abby! Ow! Hi.
Officer Ravitz? I'm Abby.
And that adorable man handcuffed over there uh, not the bald guy or the lady dude is my kind of, sort of brother-in-law, so I'm here to bust him out.
Oh, legally.
So, I would like to post his bail, uh, preferably using a combination of credit cards and gift certificates.
Bail won't be set for at least another four to six hours.
You're being a tad unreasonable, Officer Ravitz.
And you do not want to be known as "Unreasonable Ravitz.
" I have known the pain of a hurtful nickname.
Don't worry, buddy.
We'll keep you out of jail.
But if we don't, the first thing you do when you get in there is kick someone's ass.
That's how I survived space camp.
Look, lady, I hear a million sob stories a day, and most of them aren't in English, so I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
And none of that really matters because I don't like him.
And I'm beginning to not like you.
This is a power trip, huh? They give you a badge and a gun, and you get to play God? Well, my sister is counting on me to get her baby daddy to the hospital.
Now, you're holding on to something of mine, so I'm going to hold on to something of yours.
Ma'am, give that back.
Why? Why? What are you going to do about it? Abby's been arrested? Well, I had the baby.
Really? Yeah.
You guys took so long, I'm already pregnant with another one.
Here's your ice water.
Thank you.
Anything else I can get for you, dirty stranger? Dr.
Roland! Oh, my God.
I'm so glad to see you.
Yeah.
I didn't need to see the Rolling Stones tonight.
Where's Zack? Jail.
Boom! Just won the office pool.
Okay.
Let's take a gander at the old moneymaker, huh? Oh, six centimeters.
Shouldn't be long now.
But Zack's not here.
Olivia, help.
Don't worry about it.
I know people at every precinct in this town.
If they don't let him go, they're going to read about it in tomorrow's front page.
Yeah, she's going to get arrested, too.
Hey.
I slept with her.
I don't care.
I can't believe that Zack's not going to make it.
I can't do this without him.
Look, Dr.
Roland, I need to reschedule.
I'll move my nail appointment to next Tuesday.
But I'm not ready to have a baby yet.
Well, you should have thought of that before you got pregnant.
Okay, did you somehow swallow my mother? You'll stay with me, right? I can count on you, at least, can't I? Absolutely.
All right, Substitute Daddy, scrub up and get ready, because I'm going to need you to hold the baby as it comes out.
Now, get a good grip, because it's going to be kind of slimy.
- I'm passing out.
- What? Passing out.
- Are you okay? - Gone.
God, this is going on forever, and I have to get there in time.
What's the longest it's ever taken for a baby to come out? Well, I heard about this one woman in the Himalayas who was in labor for a week.
- Really? - Yeah.
She died.
Oh, this is not a helpful story.
No, it's not.
God, I can't believe I didn't even have it together enough to be there for my own son's birth.
I mean, my father was a son of a bitch, but he was there when I was born.
God, Billie must think I'm the biggest loser on Earth right now.
You? What about me? I'm her sister.
If anyone should be there, I should.
I feel awful.
You have to tell me where you got those boots.
Olivia? What are you doing here? I'm here to use my journalistic connections to get them out.
Now, - which one arrested Zack? - Oh.
Grumpypuss behind that desk.
And don't touch his hat.
He's very attached to it.
Marion? Olivia? - Oh - Oh, my God.
Darling.
You're alive! All right.
Olivia and Abby can catch up, but we've got to get you to the hospital to meet your son, mister.
When did you get a Porsche? Oh, it's my brother's.
He gave it to me when he met Antonio and moved to Florence.
I didn't know your brother was An expatriate.
I know.
Surprising.
Okay.
Billie, I'm out and on the way.
How you doing? They won't let me eat.
Tell them to let me eat! Dude, it's all going down, man.
It was a bit dicey there for a minute, but then they gave me a shot.
Now I'm pumped! Okay, Nick.
Let's see what this baby can do.
I'm way ahead of you.
Okay, you're at nine centimeters.
Hey, when European guys measure their penis, do they get to use centimeters? 'Cause that would sound a lot more impressive.
Hey, let's go easy on the penis talk down there.
The point is, you're not quite there yet.
This is not quite there?! I know this sounds hard to believe, but I think the baby has a knife! Well, it is a rough neighborhood.
Now, listen to me, baby.
What's the rush? The next time you're going to be anywhere near one of those things is after the bar closes and all the good-Iooking guys have already gone home.
My son is going to be very handsome, and he will be taking ladies home early and often, but he won't try anything, because that's just the kind of guy he is.
Guess who's here.
- Yay! - Yay! Where's Zack? He and Nick left before us.
I thought he'd be here.
I am aware that you're anxious, but I do not have a spotless driving record by accident.
It's just five more blocks.
And that is statistically when most accidents occur.
I really think Zack should be here because this thing's kicking my ass from the inside out.
Doctor, what should we do? Hold her.
Uh, talk to her.
Tell her something to distract her.
I made friends with a transvestite prostitute.
Another one? Big deal.
Uh I slept with Olivia! You what?! That's good.
Yeah.
More stuff like that.
Tell her where.
Uh, okay.
Uh, in your living room, kitchen floor, on your bed where your head goes.
Olivia! Oh, I'm not ashamed of anything I did to him.
I am, a little.
Can you at least wear the gloves? You're getting palm sweat all over the steering wheel.
Don't worry.
I'm getting everything.
Over the shoulder, over the shoulder! Abby, over my shoulder! Okay, all right.
If it makes you feel any better, way more people than this have gathered around to see my vagina.
That does not make me feel better.
Nor I.
Billie! Zack! Did I miss anything? I love you.
I love you, too.
Where's Nick? He's downstairs.
Apparel was half off at the gift shop.
So glad you finally made it, bro.
Thanks for being here, man.
Yeah, man.
I got this scene under control.
She's at nine centimeters and I'm at 16.
Why are you two holding hands? They slept together.
You will do anything to steal focus.
Okay, we're getting close now.
I'm going to need you to push.
The breathing's not working.
I don't think I can do this.
Rub her back.
Get her some ice chips! Rub her back with ice chips! Oh, I'm passing out.
- What? - He's passing out.
You okay? - Gone.
Oh! Okay.
Yeah.
Get him out of here.
In fact, everybody out.
- But - Yeah.
Bye, - everyone.
Come on.
I'll stay if that's okay with you.
Zack, I'm really scared.
Something about this doesn't feel right.
I wish I had my music.
Your music.
Uh # Ah, push it # # Push it good, ah! # # Push it # # Push it real good # # Salt-n-Pepa's here # # And we're in effect # # Want you to push it, girl # # Move it by day # Well, are we singing or not? Zack! Oh, sorry.
Uh, uh # Ooh, baby, baby # # Ba-baby, baby # Okay, here we go, one final push.
Lock and load now.
# Ah, push it # - Come on.
- # Push it good now # # Ah, push it # - Come on.
- # Push it good now # - # Ah, push it # - Give me the rhythm.
# Ah, push it.
# Stay on the beat! Stay on the beat! Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Hey.
Who's your daddy? Me.
He is so beautiful.
Takes after his mom.
- Give Mommy a high five.
- Yeah.
Up high.
Down low.
Too slow.
Good job, darling.
Hey, what's up, little baby? I like your hat.
I got one just like it.
Look, Nick, it's our nephew.
Finally, you're not the one in the family with the smallest feet.
He's adorable.
You guys will still pay attention to me, though, right? He's smiling.
Oh.
You know, I think Henry and I should have the same last name.
Yeah, I'm cool with that.
Henry Chase.
No.
Henry Krawchuck.
What do you mean? Well, what I mean is, I know I took a couple months to get back to you on your marriage proposal.
The offer's still valid, right? Four more minutes.
Well, the answer is yes.
So, we're engaged.
Yeah.
Look, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but how long do you want to wait before we have kids?