According To Jim s01e18 Episode Script
Birthday Boys
HERE WE GO! HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, MY SON.
NOW, THIS IS A SUNDAE, BUT -- [ COOS .]
IT'S A SUNDAE, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE NAME, BECAUSE YOU CAN HAVE IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MAKE A WISH.
LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
IF YOU'RE GONNA WISH FOR THE CHICK ON "ALIAS," NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
READY? READY? BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL! [ PUFFS .]
ALL FOR YOU, MY SON! ALL FOR ME, MY SON! MMM! AND WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE OLDER, WE'RE GONNA HAVE BEER WITH THIS.
[ COOS .]
HAH! OH, BABY.
Jim: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOY.
LOOK, HONEY, IT'S A "LITTLE MAN" WORKBENCH.
YOU LIKE THAT? LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S GOT A WRENCH AND A SCREWDRIVER AND A SAW.
YOU CAN BE JUST LIKE DADDY.
EXPOSED BUTT CRACK SOLD SEPARATELY.
SOMEBODY'S BEEN LOOKING.
EWW! OH, SORRY! I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
INTERESTING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO, YET YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
YOU ONLY SEE KYLE.
[ SCOFFS .]
LOOK AT THAT SMUG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
WELL, HE'S PROBABLY POOPING, ANDY.
OH.
GREAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
I'M POOPING.
I TRY AND MAKE A JOKE, AND HE SHOWS ME UP.
ALL RIGHT, ANDY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST NOW THAT KYLE AND I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY -- WHICH IS GREAT.
BIG FAN.
ARE WE GONNA CELEBRATE TOGETHER EVERY YEAR? NO! SOMEDAY, YOU'LL DIE.
I LOVE KYLE.
I GUESS I JUST DON'T WANNA SHARE MY BIRTHDAY.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK AT THIS AS AN ADULT.
BUT IT'S JUST THAT I'M -- A BIG BABY? YOU'RE THE BABY! ANDY -- ONE.
GRACIE -- ZIP.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? WE DON'T WE DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? I-I DON'T KNOW.
OH, COME ON.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.
DINNER AT THE RUSTY SCHOONER RESTAURANT AND AN 8:45 VIEWING OF "ROLLERBALL" AT THE CINEPLEX AND A TREAT.
SURPRISE ME.
NO COCONUT.
RUSTY SCHOONER? ISN'T THAT THE PLACE WITH THE 72-OUNCE STEAK? OH, JIM, JIM, THAT'S IT'S LIKE TRYING TO EAT YOUR OWN HEAD.
OOH, AND IF YOU FINISH IT, THEY GIVE YOU THIS LITTLE METAL PIN THAT'S SHAPED LIKE AN ANCHOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO FOR THE PIN.
I'M GOING FOR THE CHALLENGE.
MAN AGAINST MEAT.
SO FAR, I'M UNDEFEATED.
OKAY.
IT'S TIME -- HELLO -- FOR MY PRESENT FOR KYLE.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, SWEETIE.
"ONE CUSTOM-PAINTED MURAL FOR YOUR CHILD'S ROOM FROM WEE WORLD OF WONDER.
" WOW, DANA, THIS MUST HAVE COST A FORTUNE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BUT, YEAH, IT DID.
IT'S SWEET, BUT IT'S A LITTLE MUCH.
OH, COME ON, CHERYL, HE'S MY BOY.
WHO'S MY BOY? I'M HIS AUNTIE.
I KNOW, BUT YOU BUY THESE EXPENSIVE GIFTS FOR THE GIRLS.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE SPOILING THEM.
CHERYL, IF SHE WANTS TO SPEND MONEY ON THE GIFTS, LET HER.
COME ON, BIRTHDAYS ARE A BIG DEAL.
THANK YOU, JIM.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DANA.
MORE CAKE? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
NO, I MEAN I WANT YOU TO GET ME SOME MORE CAKE.
ALL RIGHT, UNLESS CHERYL THINKS I'M SPOILING YOU.
HA HA HA! OH, I'LL GET IT.
SHE'LL NEVER GET THE RIGHT ICE-CREAM-TO-CAKE RATIO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT? OH, LET ME SEE.
IT COULDN'T BE THAT 72-OUNCE STEAK AT THE RUSTY SCHOONER, COULD IT? NO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT BIRTHDAYS AND, I DON'T KNOW, PASSAGES OF TIME AND FAMILY AND, YOU KNOW, LIFE JUST GOES BY IN A BLINK.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE STEAK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK DANA'S SIDE.
I DIDN'T TAKE DANA'S SIDE.
IT WAS JUST HOW I FELT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M LOOK FOR A GOOD, STURDY PAIR OF STEAK PANTS.
WHAT? CHERYL, I'M GONNA EAT A 72-OUNCE PIECE OF MEAT.
I NEED A PAIR OF PANTS THAT ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE.
HEY, WHERE ARE THOSE PANTS I WEAR WHEN I HAVE MY WINTER WEIGHT? YOU RIPPED THEM WHEN YOU WERE CARRYING YOUR SUMMER WEIGHT.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WHAT IS IT WITH DANA? I KEEP ASKING HER NOT TO SPEND SO MUCH, BUT EVERY BIRTHDAY, EVERY HOLIDAY, IT'S $100, $200 GIFTS.
IF SHE'S STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE OUR KIDS AS MUCH AS WE DO, SHE DESERVES IT.
[ GRUNTS .]
AAGH! AAH! UNH! HEY, REMEMBER LAST HALLOWEEN I PLAYED M.
C.
HAMMER? WHERE ARE THOSE PANTS? I MADE THEM INTO A TENT FOR THE KIDS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, SHE DOES LOVE OUR KIDS A LOT.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S ONLY MONEY.
BETTER YET, IT'S HER MONEY.
OKAY.
WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? WOULD YOU PICK UP THE CHECK TOMORROW AT ANDY'S BIRTHDAY DINNER? IT WOULD HELP EVEN THINGS OUT FOR ME.
ALL RIGHT, BUT MAKE SURE THE KIDS FILL UP ON BREAD BEFORE THEY ORDER.
OF COURSE.
HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK IF I WEAR THIS ROBE TO DINNER? I DON'T KNOW, JIM.
WHAT IF THERE'S A BREEZE? NO, REALLY, I COULD PUT AN ASCOT ON.
WITH YOU ON MY ARM, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M HEF.
NO, THEY WON'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT TWINS.
BUT IF YOU WERE NO, JIM.
NO, NO.
[ Chanting .]
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! YAY! YAY! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE THINNED OUT THE HERD.
ALL RIGHT, GET TOGETHER.
BAAAGGH! VERY PRETTY.
VERY PRETTY.
AHOY, MATEYS.
[ BLOWS WHISTLE .]
SEEMS YOU TWO SWABS HAVE POLISHED OFF OUR FAMOUS YEP! AND IT'S ABOUT TO SET SAIL.
AVAST, ME HEARTY.
REQUESTING AN OFFICIAL GOLD ANCHOR PIN.
ARGH.
WE DON'T HAVE PINS.
WE HAVE STICKERS.
CAN WE HAVE ONE? NO, GIRLS.
NO, IT'S A SPECIAL STICKER.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GET -- SURE.
YAY! YAY! * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * SERVE HIM CAKE AND COFFEE * YAY! I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
HONEY! HONEY! HONEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, IT WAS EITHER FINISH THE STEAK OR KEEP MY PANTS ON.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
OH, HERE, I'LL TAKE THAT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LET ME GET THE CHECK.
NO, JIM, REALLY, HE'S MY BROTHER.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN'T ARGUE -- YES, I CAN.
ANDY IS CHERYL'S BROTHER.
I'M MARRIED TO CHERYL.
I'M GONNA TAKE THE CHECK.
WHOA! SOMEBODY BREAK SOMETHING? IT'S MY PLEASURE.
JIM, PLEASE, I CAN AFFORD THIS.
SO CAN I.
THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME.
WHAT, DO YOU THINK IT'S A PROBLEM FOR ME? WELL, I DO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
GIVE ME THE CHECK.
BARNACLE BILL'S! THEY HAVE THE PINS.
AH! UHH! [ GURGLING .]
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? NO, IT WAS MY STOMACH.
OH, CAN YOU BLAME IT? YOU ATE 72 OUNCES OF MEAT.
NO, CHERYL, I CONQUERED CAN YOU BELIEVE DANA SAID THAT TONIGHT? SHE SAID, "I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
" WELL, SHE DOES.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I KNOW WHAT YOU MAKE, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE MAKES.
HOW MUCH DOES SHE MAKE? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? NO.
OKAY.
YEAH.
NO.
[ SIGHS .]
JIM.
HONEY, SHE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.
SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.
NO, SHE WASN'T.
SHE WAS TRYING TO RUB IT IN MY FACE, LIKE SHE DOES WHEN SHE BUYS THOSE EXPENSIVE GIFTS.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHEN I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE GIFTS, I BELIEVE YOU SAID, "IT'S ONLY MONEY.
" I SAY LOTS OF THINGS.
I SAID I WAS GONNA HAVE A DIET COKE TONIGHT.
WHAT DID I HAVE? SIX BEERS.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE.
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL THE TIME.
YOU CALL IT BEING A WOMAN.
I DO IT, I'M A HYPOCRITE? OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
YOU'RE A WOMAN.
YEAH.
WELL, THIS WOMAN IS GONNA GO DOWNSTAIRS AND SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
OH, HONEY, COME ON.
DON'T BE MAD.
CHERYL, I JUST ATE I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
OH, NO! NO, HONEY! OH! DRUMROLL, PLEASE.
[ IMITATES DRUMROLL .]
TA-DA! WOW! DANA, I LOVE IT! LOOK, IT'S JACK SPRAT, HEY, DIDDLE-DIDDLE, A COUPLE OF RABBITS FALLING DOWN A HILL.
I'M REALLY PROUD OF HOW IT TURNED OUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JIM? I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S NICE.
THAT SPOON AND THAT DISH RUNNING OFF TOGETHER, IT'S KIND OF UNNATURAL, BUT DANA, IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
IN FACT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO REPAINT KYLE'S ROOM BEFORE WE PUT IT UP THERE, DON'T YOU THINK? YES, WE'LL PAINT KYLE'S ROOM.
WE'LL PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE.
I LOVE GIFTS THAT MAKE ME DO MORE WORK.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT IT IN THE GARAGE TILL THE ROOM IS DONE.
I THINK IT'LL BE SAFER THERE.
AUNT DANA, CAN WE HAVE ONE FOR OUR ROOM? PLE-E-E-ASE? NO, GIRLS, THIS IS AUNT DANA'S SPECIAL GIFT FOR KYLE.
THEN CAN WE HAVE A PONY? PLE-E-E-ASE? WE'LL SEE.
GIRLS, DON'T GO ASKING AUNT DANA FOR STUFF LIKE THAT.
YOU ASK ME.
I'M YOUR FATHER.
I'LL GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
CAN YOU GET US A PONY? NO.
DARN IT.
GIRLS, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR A PONY OR ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE PEOPLE OUT TO A STEAK DINNER OR WHATEVER.
IT'S THAT THE BEST GIFTS COME FROM HERE, NOT FROM HERE.
FROM YOUR BUTT? NO, FROM MY WALLET.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, GIRLS, IS THAT THE PONY ISN'T IMPORTANT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS LOVE.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, GIRLS? GOOD.
CAN AUNT DANA GIVE US MONEY SO WE CAN BUY A PONY? HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY? AND WHAT'S THIS? YOU MADE BREAKFAST? WELL, TODAY'S KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
WHY? SIT DOWN.
COME HERE.
COME HERE.
SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.
CHERYL, I DID SOMETHING WONDERFUL TODAY.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING THAT FOR? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY! WELL, HONEY, THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING WONDERFUL, I ENDED UP WITH 60 ROTTING TIRES IN THE BACKYARD.
CHERYL, "RUBBER-CIRCLE FUN LAND" WAS A GREAT IDEA.
BUT THIS IDEAIS BETTER.
I GOT THE GIRLS A PONY.
WHAT? OH, TELL ME IT'S JUST FOR THE DAY.
YOU BOUGHT A PONY? NO, CHERYL! WE BOUGHT A PONY.
I PUT YOUR NAME ON THE CARD.
OH.
[ DISTANT BRAYING .]
WHAT? THAT'S NOT A PONY! PONY, DONKEY -- THE GIRLS AREN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A PONY IS? LIKE, 1,500 BUCKS.
I GOT THIS PONY FOR A DEAL.
ALL RIGHT, STOP CALLING IT A PONY.
HOW MUCH WAS IT? DOWN FROM $500.
HE STILL KICKS, YOU KNOW.
WHAT? I'M GONNA TRAIN HIM.
YOU ARE GONNA TRAIN A DONKEY? CHERYL, COME ON, DONKEYS ARE VERY SMART ANIMALS.
IT'S THE MOVIES THAT MAKE THEM LOOK STUPID.
BESIDES, LOOK AT THAT.
THEY THREW IN A BALE OF HAY AND THIS DERBY.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ ANGRY SNORTING .]
WELL, WHEN HE CALMS DOWN, I'M GONNA PUT IT ON HIM.
I'M A LITTLE SCARED OF HIM RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY, AND HIS NAME IS PAUL.
I'M NOT MARRIED TO THAT NAME.
SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED TO AN ASS THAT'S FUNNY, I'M GONNA USE THAT.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE KEEPING THAT DONKEY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY NOT? I'LL WALK HIM! I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM! CHERYL, THE GIRLS ARE REALLY GONNA LOVE HIM.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU'D LOVE PAUL, TOO, IF I PUT THIS LITTLE DERBY ON AND MAYBE A BIG PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
[ CRASH .]
PAUL?! [ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD! DANA'S MURAL IS RUINED! ALL RIGHT, CHERYL, THIS IS WHERE THE TRAINING STARTS.
COME ON.
HELP ME RUB HIS NOSE IN IT.
A PONY! A PONY! AUNT DANA BOUGHT US A PONY! AUNT DANA DIDN'T BUY YOU A PONY.
I BOUGHT YOU THE PONY.
IT'S NOT A PONY! [ BOTH CRYING .]
NICE GOING, CHERYL.
THIS WILL BLOW OVER, PAUL.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
IT WAS PAUL'S.
PAUL.
[ SCOFFS .]
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE NAMED HIM? [ LAUGHS .]
DONKEY-HOTEY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE DON QUIXOTE? "MAN OF LA MANCHA"? NO? OOH! HOW ABOUT MR.
APPLESAUCE? OH SHE IS SO UPSET.
YOU KNOW, SHE WAS REALLY PROUD OF THAT MURAL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IN A WAY, IT'S -- IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.
DANA SPENT $500 ON A MURAL FOR HER ONLY NEPHEW, AND NOW IT'S RUINED, AND WE OWN A DONKEY.
HOW IS THAT FUNNY? WELL, I'D TELL IT BETTER THAN THAT.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
OH, I THINK HE'S LONELY.
I'M GONNA KEEP HIM COMPANY.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
COMING, MR.
APPLESAUCE! HIS NAME IS PAUL! GIVE HIM HIS DIGNITY.
HONEY? HONEY, WHEN DANA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HER.
WHY? I DIDN'T KICK THE MURAL AND PEE ON IT.
WOW, WELL, YOU GOT ME THERE, JIM.
HOWEVER, YOU DID BUY THE DONKEY BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO PROVE THAT YOU COULD SPEND MONEY, TOO, BECAUSE YOU WERE THREATENED BY THE FACT THAT MY SISTER MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU! OH, COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE YOU GO AGAIN, CONFUSING THE ISSUE TO TAKE THE BLAME OFF OF YOURSELF.
ME? WHAT DID I DO? YOU DON'T KNOW? WHAT? EXCUSE ME.
"DO ME A FAVOR AND PICK UP THE CHECK FOR ANDY'S DINNER.
" WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A DONKEY IN OUR GARAGE? CHERYL, IF YOU CAN'T DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE FROM A STEAK DINNER TO A DONKEY IN THE GARAGE, THEN I CAN'T HELP YOU! ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, I THINK I'M JUST GONNA GO HOME.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE-BYE.
GO-GO.
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT.
WAIT.
DANA, UM SO, THE MURAL, HUH? HA! YEAH.
YEAH.
[ SIGHS .]
YOU KNOW, BETWEEN YOU AND ME, THAT DONKEY IS AN ASS.
CHERYL GAVE ME THAT.
SHE ALSO, YOU KNOW, PUT THE MURAL IN THE GARAGE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE BIG ENOUGH.
WE CAN BOTH FORGIVE HER, HUH? JIM, THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE MURAL.
YOU'RE THREATENED BECAUSE A WOMAN MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
WHAT IS WITH YOU AND CHERYL? I AM NOT THREATENED BY WOMEN MAKING MORE MONEY THAN ME.
COME ON, I KNOW THAT! I MEAN, THERE'S OPRAH.
THERE'S, UH, THERE'S MADONNA.
THERE'S THAT BLOND LADY WHO MAKES LAMPSHADES OUT OF APPLES.
MARTHA STEWART? OKAY.
SO, THEN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, DANA.
IT'S WHAT YOU SAID THE OTHER NIGHT -- "I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU" -- IN FRONT OF MY KIDS.
DANA, THAT'S WHY THEY'RE COMING UP TO YOU AND ASKING YOU FOR STUFF INSTEAD OF ME, THEIR FATHER.
I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, AND WHEN YOU SAID THAT, IT JUST CUT ME OFF AT THE KNEES.
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PAY FOR DINNER.
DANA, THAT'S FINE, BUT IT'S JUST THE WAY YOU DID IT.
IT MADE ME FEEL ABOUT THIS BIG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I HURT YOUR FEELINGS? NO! I'M JUST SAYING YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD INSIDE.
JIM OF COURSE YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY.
YOU TAKE CARE OF EVERYBODY.
YOU EVEN TAKE CARE OF ME AND ANDY.
WELL, THAT, I HAD NO CHOICE.
YOU GUYS WERE THRUST ON ME.
ALL RIGHT, I SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU DO? YEAH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT THING.
I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU.
I'M NOT GONNA STOP BUYING STUFF FOR YOUR KIDS, THOUGH.
NO, NO, I WANT YOU TO KEEP DOING THAT.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY REALLY WANT? I HEARD THEM TALKING.
WHAT? THAT DIRECTV WITH THE SPORTS PACKAGE.
REALLY? RUBY HAS BEEN CHATTERING ABOUT IT.
SOMETHING ABOUT INTERNATIONAL SOCCER.
SO ARE WE OKAY? YEAH.
SHOULD WE HUG? NO.
OKAY.
WHEW! LISTEN, THE MURAL? I WANT TO PAY FOR IT.
BUT BETWEEN THE STEAK DINNER AND THE DONKEY/PONY I'M JUST A LITTLE TAPPED OUT RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I CAN AFFORD IT.
I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, COME ON.
I DIDN'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF ANYONE.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO HUGGING YOU.
Andy: HEY, YOU GUYS? YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT.
OH, BOY.
HA HA HA HA! COME HERE.
OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? I LOVE YOU, ANDY.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
[ SMOOCHS .]
HE REALLY NEEDS TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND.
I THINK HE JUST DID.
NOW, THIS IS A SUNDAE, BUT -- [ COOS .]
IT'S A SUNDAE, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE NAME, BECAUSE YOU CAN HAVE IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MAKE A WISH.
LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
IF YOU'RE GONNA WISH FOR THE CHICK ON "ALIAS," NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
READY? READY? BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL! [ PUFFS .]
ALL FOR YOU, MY SON! ALL FOR ME, MY SON! MMM! AND WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE OLDER, WE'RE GONNA HAVE BEER WITH THIS.
[ COOS .]
HAH! OH, BABY.
Jim: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOY.
LOOK, HONEY, IT'S A "LITTLE MAN" WORKBENCH.
YOU LIKE THAT? LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S GOT A WRENCH AND A SCREWDRIVER AND A SAW.
YOU CAN BE JUST LIKE DADDY.
EXPOSED BUTT CRACK SOLD SEPARATELY.
SOMEBODY'S BEEN LOOKING.
EWW! OH, SORRY! I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
INTERESTING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO, YET YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
YOU ONLY SEE KYLE.
[ SCOFFS .]
LOOK AT THAT SMUG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
WELL, HE'S PROBABLY POOPING, ANDY.
OH.
GREAT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
I'M POOPING.
I TRY AND MAKE A JOKE, AND HE SHOWS ME UP.
ALL RIGHT, ANDY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST NOW THAT KYLE AND I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY -- WHICH IS GREAT.
BIG FAN.
ARE WE GONNA CELEBRATE TOGETHER EVERY YEAR? NO! SOMEDAY, YOU'LL DIE.
I LOVE KYLE.
I GUESS I JUST DON'T WANNA SHARE MY BIRTHDAY.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK AT THIS AS AN ADULT.
BUT IT'S JUST THAT I'M -- A BIG BABY? YOU'RE THE BABY! ANDY -- ONE.
GRACIE -- ZIP.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS? WE DON'T WE DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? I-I DON'T KNOW.
OH, COME ON.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.
DINNER AT THE RUSTY SCHOONER RESTAURANT AND AN 8:45 VIEWING OF "ROLLERBALL" AT THE CINEPLEX AND A TREAT.
SURPRISE ME.
NO COCONUT.
RUSTY SCHOONER? ISN'T THAT THE PLACE WITH THE 72-OUNCE STEAK? OH, JIM, JIM, THAT'S IT'S LIKE TRYING TO EAT YOUR OWN HEAD.
OOH, AND IF YOU FINISH IT, THEY GIVE YOU THIS LITTLE METAL PIN THAT'S SHAPED LIKE AN ANCHOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO FOR THE PIN.
I'M GOING FOR THE CHALLENGE.
MAN AGAINST MEAT.
SO FAR, I'M UNDEFEATED.
OKAY.
IT'S TIME -- HELLO -- FOR MY PRESENT FOR KYLE.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, SWEETIE.
"ONE CUSTOM-PAINTED MURAL FOR YOUR CHILD'S ROOM FROM WEE WORLD OF WONDER.
" WOW, DANA, THIS MUST HAVE COST A FORTUNE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BUT, YEAH, IT DID.
IT'S SWEET, BUT IT'S A LITTLE MUCH.
OH, COME ON, CHERYL, HE'S MY BOY.
WHO'S MY BOY? I'M HIS AUNTIE.
I KNOW, BUT YOU BUY THESE EXPENSIVE GIFTS FOR THE GIRLS.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE SPOILING THEM.
CHERYL, IF SHE WANTS TO SPEND MONEY ON THE GIFTS, LET HER.
COME ON, BIRTHDAYS ARE A BIG DEAL.
THANK YOU, JIM.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DANA.
MORE CAKE? DON'T MIND IF I DO.
NO, I MEAN I WANT YOU TO GET ME SOME MORE CAKE.
ALL RIGHT, UNLESS CHERYL THINKS I'M SPOILING YOU.
HA HA HA! OH, I'LL GET IT.
SHE'LL NEVER GET THE RIGHT ICE-CREAM-TO-CAKE RATIO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT? OH, LET ME SEE.
IT COULDN'T BE THAT 72-OUNCE STEAK AT THE RUSTY SCHOONER, COULD IT? NO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT BIRTHDAYS AND, I DON'T KNOW, PASSAGES OF TIME AND FAMILY AND, YOU KNOW, LIFE JUST GOES BY IN A BLINK.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE STEAK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK DANA'S SIDE.
I DIDN'T TAKE DANA'S SIDE.
IT WAS JUST HOW I FELT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M LOOK FOR A GOOD, STURDY PAIR OF STEAK PANTS.
WHAT? CHERYL, I'M GONNA EAT A 72-OUNCE PIECE OF MEAT.
I NEED A PAIR OF PANTS THAT ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE.
HEY, WHERE ARE THOSE PANTS I WEAR WHEN I HAVE MY WINTER WEIGHT? YOU RIPPED THEM WHEN YOU WERE CARRYING YOUR SUMMER WEIGHT.
HEY, YOU KNOW, WHAT IS IT WITH DANA? I KEEP ASKING HER NOT TO SPEND SO MUCH, BUT EVERY BIRTHDAY, EVERY HOLIDAY, IT'S $100, $200 GIFTS.
IF SHE'S STUPID ENOUGH TO LOVE OUR KIDS AS MUCH AS WE DO, SHE DESERVES IT.
[ GRUNTS .]
AAGH! AAH! UNH! HEY, REMEMBER LAST HALLOWEEN I PLAYED M.
C.
HAMMER? WHERE ARE THOSE PANTS? I MADE THEM INTO A TENT FOR THE KIDS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, SHE DOES LOVE OUR KIDS A LOT.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S ONLY MONEY.
BETTER YET, IT'S HER MONEY.
OKAY.
WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? WOULD YOU PICK UP THE CHECK TOMORROW AT ANDY'S BIRTHDAY DINNER? IT WOULD HELP EVEN THINGS OUT FOR ME.
ALL RIGHT, BUT MAKE SURE THE KIDS FILL UP ON BREAD BEFORE THEY ORDER.
OF COURSE.
HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK IF I WEAR THIS ROBE TO DINNER? I DON'T KNOW, JIM.
WHAT IF THERE'S A BREEZE? NO, REALLY, I COULD PUT AN ASCOT ON.
WITH YOU ON MY ARM, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M HEF.
NO, THEY WON'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT TWINS.
BUT IF YOU WERE NO, JIM.
NO, NO.
[ Chanting .]
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! YAY! YAY! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE THINNED OUT THE HERD.
ALL RIGHT, GET TOGETHER.
BAAAGGH! VERY PRETTY.
VERY PRETTY.
AHOY, MATEYS.
[ BLOWS WHISTLE .]
SEEMS YOU TWO SWABS HAVE POLISHED OFF OUR FAMOUS YEP! AND IT'S ABOUT TO SET SAIL.
AVAST, ME HEARTY.
REQUESTING AN OFFICIAL GOLD ANCHOR PIN.
ARGH.
WE DON'T HAVE PINS.
WE HAVE STICKERS.
CAN WE HAVE ONE? NO, GIRLS.
NO, IT'S A SPECIAL STICKER.
THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GET -- SURE.
YAY! YAY! * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BIRTHDAY BOY? * * SERVE HIM CAKE AND COFFEE * YAY! I'D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
HONEY! HONEY! HONEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, IT WAS EITHER FINISH THE STEAK OR KEEP MY PANTS ON.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
OH, HERE, I'LL TAKE THAT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LET ME GET THE CHECK.
NO, JIM, REALLY, HE'S MY BROTHER.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN'T ARGUE -- YES, I CAN.
ANDY IS CHERYL'S BROTHER.
I'M MARRIED TO CHERYL.
I'M GONNA TAKE THE CHECK.
WHOA! SOMEBODY BREAK SOMETHING? IT'S MY PLEASURE.
JIM, PLEASE, I CAN AFFORD THIS.
SO CAN I.
THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME.
WHAT, DO YOU THINK IT'S A PROBLEM FOR ME? WELL, I DO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
GIVE ME THE CHECK.
BARNACLE BILL'S! THEY HAVE THE PINS.
AH! UHH! [ GURGLING .]
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? NO, IT WAS MY STOMACH.
OH, CAN YOU BLAME IT? YOU ATE 72 OUNCES OF MEAT.
NO, CHERYL, I CONQUERED CAN YOU BELIEVE DANA SAID THAT TONIGHT? SHE SAID, "I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
" WELL, SHE DOES.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I KNOW WHAT YOU MAKE, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE MAKES.
HOW MUCH DOES SHE MAKE? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? NO.
OKAY.
YEAH.
NO.
[ SIGHS .]
JIM.
HONEY, SHE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.
SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.
NO, SHE WASN'T.
SHE WAS TRYING TO RUB IT IN MY FACE, LIKE SHE DOES WHEN SHE BUYS THOSE EXPENSIVE GIFTS.
WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHEN I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE GIFTS, I BELIEVE YOU SAID, "IT'S ONLY MONEY.
" I SAY LOTS OF THINGS.
I SAID I WAS GONNA HAVE A DIET COKE TONIGHT.
WHAT DID I HAVE? SIX BEERS.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE.
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ALL THE TIME.
YOU CALL IT BEING A WOMAN.
I DO IT, I'M A HYPOCRITE? OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
YOU'RE A WOMAN.
YEAH.
WELL, THIS WOMAN IS GONNA GO DOWNSTAIRS AND SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
OH, HONEY, COME ON.
DON'T BE MAD.
CHERYL, I JUST ATE I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
OH, NO! NO, HONEY! OH! DRUMROLL, PLEASE.
[ IMITATES DRUMROLL .]
TA-DA! WOW! DANA, I LOVE IT! LOOK, IT'S JACK SPRAT, HEY, DIDDLE-DIDDLE, A COUPLE OF RABBITS FALLING DOWN A HILL.
I'M REALLY PROUD OF HOW IT TURNED OUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JIM? I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S NICE.
THAT SPOON AND THAT DISH RUNNING OFF TOGETHER, IT'S KIND OF UNNATURAL, BUT DANA, IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
IN FACT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO REPAINT KYLE'S ROOM BEFORE WE PUT IT UP THERE, DON'T YOU THINK? YES, WE'LL PAINT KYLE'S ROOM.
WE'LL PAINT THE WHOLE HOUSE.
I LOVE GIFTS THAT MAKE ME DO MORE WORK.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT IT IN THE GARAGE TILL THE ROOM IS DONE.
I THINK IT'LL BE SAFER THERE.
AUNT DANA, CAN WE HAVE ONE FOR OUR ROOM? PLE-E-E-ASE? NO, GIRLS, THIS IS AUNT DANA'S SPECIAL GIFT FOR KYLE.
THEN CAN WE HAVE A PONY? PLE-E-E-ASE? WE'LL SEE.
GIRLS, DON'T GO ASKING AUNT DANA FOR STUFF LIKE THAT.
YOU ASK ME.
I'M YOUR FATHER.
I'LL GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
CAN YOU GET US A PONY? NO.
DARN IT.
GIRLS, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR A PONY OR ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE PEOPLE OUT TO A STEAK DINNER OR WHATEVER.
IT'S THAT THE BEST GIFTS COME FROM HERE, NOT FROM HERE.
FROM YOUR BUTT? NO, FROM MY WALLET.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, GIRLS, IS THAT THE PONY ISN'T IMPORTANT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS LOVE.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, GIRLS? GOOD.
CAN AUNT DANA GIVE US MONEY SO WE CAN BUY A PONY? HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY? AND WHAT'S THIS? YOU MADE BREAKFAST? WELL, TODAY'S KIND OF A SPECIAL DAY.
WHY? SIT DOWN.
COME HERE.
COME HERE.
SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.
CHERYL, I DID SOMETHING WONDERFUL TODAY.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING THAT FOR? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY! WELL, HONEY, THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING WONDERFUL, I ENDED UP WITH 60 ROTTING TIRES IN THE BACKYARD.
CHERYL, "RUBBER-CIRCLE FUN LAND" WAS A GREAT IDEA.
BUT THIS IDEAIS BETTER.
I GOT THE GIRLS A PONY.
WHAT? OH, TELL ME IT'S JUST FOR THE DAY.
YOU BOUGHT A PONY? NO, CHERYL! WE BOUGHT A PONY.
I PUT YOUR NAME ON THE CARD.
OH.
[ DISTANT BRAYING .]
WHAT? THAT'S NOT A PONY! PONY, DONKEY -- THE GIRLS AREN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A PONY IS? LIKE, 1,500 BUCKS.
I GOT THIS PONY FOR A DEAL.
ALL RIGHT, STOP CALLING IT A PONY.
HOW MUCH WAS IT? DOWN FROM $500.
HE STILL KICKS, YOU KNOW.
WHAT? I'M GONNA TRAIN HIM.
YOU ARE GONNA TRAIN A DONKEY? CHERYL, COME ON, DONKEYS ARE VERY SMART ANIMALS.
IT'S THE MOVIES THAT MAKE THEM LOOK STUPID.
BESIDES, LOOK AT THAT.
THEY THREW IN A BALE OF HAY AND THIS DERBY.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ ANGRY SNORTING .]
WELL, WHEN HE CALMS DOWN, I'M GONNA PUT IT ON HIM.
I'M A LITTLE SCARED OF HIM RIGHT NOW.
HE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY, AND HIS NAME IS PAUL.
I'M NOT MARRIED TO THAT NAME.
SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED TO AN ASS THAT'S FUNNY, I'M GONNA USE THAT.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE KEEPING THAT DONKEY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY NOT? I'LL WALK HIM! I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM! CHERYL, THE GIRLS ARE REALLY GONNA LOVE HIM.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU'D LOVE PAUL, TOO, IF I PUT THIS LITTLE DERBY ON AND MAYBE A BIG PAIR OF SUNGLASSES.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
[ CRASH .]
PAUL?! [ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD! DANA'S MURAL IS RUINED! ALL RIGHT, CHERYL, THIS IS WHERE THE TRAINING STARTS.
COME ON.
HELP ME RUB HIS NOSE IN IT.
A PONY! A PONY! AUNT DANA BOUGHT US A PONY! AUNT DANA DIDN'T BUY YOU A PONY.
I BOUGHT YOU THE PONY.
IT'S NOT A PONY! [ BOTH CRYING .]
NICE GOING, CHERYL.
THIS WILL BLOW OVER, PAUL.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
IT WAS PAUL'S.
PAUL.
[ SCOFFS .]
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE NAMED HIM? [ LAUGHS .]
DONKEY-HOTEY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE DON QUIXOTE? "MAN OF LA MANCHA"? NO? OOH! HOW ABOUT MR.
APPLESAUCE? OH SHE IS SO UPSET.
YOU KNOW, SHE WAS REALLY PROUD OF THAT MURAL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IN A WAY, IT'S -- IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.
DANA SPENT $500 ON A MURAL FOR HER ONLY NEPHEW, AND NOW IT'S RUINED, AND WE OWN A DONKEY.
HOW IS THAT FUNNY? WELL, I'D TELL IT BETTER THAN THAT.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
OH, I THINK HE'S LONELY.
I'M GONNA KEEP HIM COMPANY.
[ PAUL BRAYS .]
COMING, MR.
APPLESAUCE! HIS NAME IS PAUL! GIVE HIM HIS DIGNITY.
HONEY? HONEY, WHEN DANA COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I THINK YOU REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HER.
WHY? I DIDN'T KICK THE MURAL AND PEE ON IT.
WOW, WELL, YOU GOT ME THERE, JIM.
HOWEVER, YOU DID BUY THE DONKEY BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO PROVE THAT YOU COULD SPEND MONEY, TOO, BECAUSE YOU WERE THREATENED BY THE FACT THAT MY SISTER MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU! OH, COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE YOU GO AGAIN, CONFUSING THE ISSUE TO TAKE THE BLAME OFF OF YOURSELF.
ME? WHAT DID I DO? YOU DON'T KNOW? WHAT? EXCUSE ME.
"DO ME A FAVOR AND PICK UP THE CHECK FOR ANDY'S DINNER.
" WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A DONKEY IN OUR GARAGE? CHERYL, IF YOU CAN'T DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE FROM A STEAK DINNER TO A DONKEY IN THE GARAGE, THEN I CAN'T HELP YOU! ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, I THINK I'M JUST GONNA GO HOME.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE-BYE.
GO-GO.
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT.
WAIT.
DANA, UM SO, THE MURAL, HUH? HA! YEAH.
YEAH.
[ SIGHS .]
YOU KNOW, BETWEEN YOU AND ME, THAT DONKEY IS AN ASS.
CHERYL GAVE ME THAT.
SHE ALSO, YOU KNOW, PUT THE MURAL IN THE GARAGE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE BIG ENOUGH.
WE CAN BOTH FORGIVE HER, HUH? JIM, THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE MURAL.
YOU'RE THREATENED BECAUSE A WOMAN MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
WHAT IS WITH YOU AND CHERYL? I AM NOT THREATENED BY WOMEN MAKING MORE MONEY THAN ME.
COME ON, I KNOW THAT! I MEAN, THERE'S OPRAH.
THERE'S, UH, THERE'S MADONNA.
THERE'S THAT BLOND LADY WHO MAKES LAMPSHADES OUT OF APPLES.
MARTHA STEWART? OKAY.
SO, THEN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, DANA.
IT'S WHAT YOU SAID THE OTHER NIGHT -- "I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU" -- IN FRONT OF MY KIDS.
DANA, THAT'S WHY THEY'RE COMING UP TO YOU AND ASKING YOU FOR STUFF INSTEAD OF ME, THEIR FATHER.
I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, AND WHEN YOU SAID THAT, IT JUST CUT ME OFF AT THE KNEES.
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PAY FOR DINNER.
DANA, THAT'S FINE, BUT IT'S JUST THE WAY YOU DID IT.
IT MADE ME FEEL ABOUT THIS BIG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I HURT YOUR FEELINGS? NO! I'M JUST SAYING YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD INSIDE.
JIM OF COURSE YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY.
YOU TAKE CARE OF EVERYBODY.
YOU EVEN TAKE CARE OF ME AND ANDY.
WELL, THAT, I HAD NO CHOICE.
YOU GUYS WERE THRUST ON ME.
ALL RIGHT, I SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU DO? YEAH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT THING.
I'M SORRY.
THANK YOU.
I'M NOT GONNA STOP BUYING STUFF FOR YOUR KIDS, THOUGH.
NO, NO, I WANT YOU TO KEEP DOING THAT.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY REALLY WANT? I HEARD THEM TALKING.
WHAT? THAT DIRECTV WITH THE SPORTS PACKAGE.
REALLY? RUBY HAS BEEN CHATTERING ABOUT IT.
SOMETHING ABOUT INTERNATIONAL SOCCER.
SO ARE WE OKAY? YEAH.
SHOULD WE HUG? NO.
OKAY.
WHEW! LISTEN, THE MURAL? I WANT TO PAY FOR IT.
BUT BETWEEN THE STEAK DINNER AND THE DONKEY/PONY I'M JUST A LITTLE TAPPED OUT RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I CAN AFFORD IT.
I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU.
[ LAUGHS .]
OH, COME ON.
I DIDN'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF ANYONE.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO HUGGING YOU.
Andy: HEY, YOU GUYS? YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT.
OH, BOY.
HA HA HA HA! COME HERE.
OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? I LOVE YOU, ANDY.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
[ SMOOCHS .]
HE REALLY NEEDS TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND.
I THINK HE JUST DID.