Alfred Hitchcock Presents s01e18 Episode Script

There, that's better.
Much better.
The least we can do is to provide the proper atmosphere.
This is truly an extraordinary item.
Loud, squeaking fluid.
It is also excellent at making old shutters bang and on dark nights one can spray it in the air in case the wind isn't whistling loud enough.
It's very practical, too.
It can make old shoes squeak like new again.
Now that we have established our mood I should like to tell you that tonight's story is by Ray Bradbury and is known by the provocative title of "Shopping For Death.
" Fifty miles an hour along the main boulevard.
He must have been crazy.
Maybe he fell or maybe he jumped.
One minute I saw him standing up against the window and then, I saw him right between the window and the ground.
That's too bad.
Somebody left a cigarette burning.
That's what it was.
A little thing like that.
Now look at it.
Look at the whole darn building.
There, 989.
That's where she lives.
Come, Elmer.
Nice cold water.
Nice freezing cold water.
Clarence, why are we here? Why drag me off day after day in this hot, humid weather to accidents and crimes? And now this infernal nonsense about some woman I've never even met.
Why? We've got a job to do.
That's why.
We owe it to ourselves, to society, to be here.
All our lives, for almost 50 years we've been insurance salesmen, right? Right.
We've sold millions of dollars worth of insurance, which has helped thousands of needy people, right? Right.
Three months ago, we retired, didn't we? We did.
But statistics prove- That retired men die sooner than men who remain active.
Yes.
I know.
But I'm for sitting on the sidelines.
Sidelines? Elmer, how can you sit by after seeing what you've seen in the last three months? Now, that accident with the truck the man was driving too fast, not watching where he went.
And the man who fell 12 stories and the fire in the warehouse because somebody forgot to put out a cigarette.
All three of those men killed by their own carelessness.
Why? What's behind it? I want to know.
I will know.
There's so much unhappiness around us.
How can we refuse to help even though we are retired? It's a little late to help those men we saw.
Two please.
Exactly.
But while there's time, we can help others.
Now this woman here in this tenement: To see her is to know her.
She staggers the imagination.
She's unbelievable.
So are we.
If folks around here knew why we were here.
Peeping Toms, that's what they'd call us.
There she is now.
Hey, have some mercy down there.
You woke the baby.
All right.
So I woke it.
It keeps me awake all night, don't it? Kid yells all night long.
Get out of the way! Come, Elmer.
Quick.
Give me some ice cream.
I don't want that.
I want that one down there.
What's the matter, you see something funny? Come on, get out of the way.
What you doing blocking the entrance? Hey, move over.
All right, move over.
What you think you got a line here, or something? I want a good hunk of meat.
Not too fat.
Yes, ma'am.
A good hunk.
Nothing spoiled.
You hear? Yes ma'am.
Yeah, the stuff you give me yesterday I give to the cat, so don't give me no more like that.
You hear? No, ma'am.
All right, what do you got? Isn't she classic? Ever seen anything like her? How about brains? You got any brains? Yes, ma'am.
Let me see.
Give me some good, nice, fresh beef brains.
And make sure they're fresh, too.
I don't want none of that yesterday's stuff.
You hear? Let's see what you got there.
Are them beef brains? I don't want none of them sheep brains.
You hear? All right, come on now.
Do me a favor, keep your big fat thumbs off the scale this time.
All right, put a few more on.
Come on.
What're you doing? Who do you think you're cheating, anyway? Yes, ma'am.
"Yes, ma'am.
No ma'am.
" You smart aleck.
Look.
All right.
Come on.
What are you standing? You think I got all day, or something? Smart aleck.
Yeah, thanks for nothing.
And charge it! Yes, gentlemen? I forgot the list.
We'll be back.
Come, Elmer.
Goodbye.
Now do you see how much she needs our help? She certainly does.
But let's get away.
She's a destroyer, she is.
No, Elmer.
Not a destroyer.
She wants to be destroyed.
Begs to be murdered and if we don't help her, her name will make the obituaries.
Obituaries.
No.
Front page headlines in the tabloid.
Look at her.
What you mean, a pound and a half? It said a pound and a quarter.
Why don't you get your scale fixed? Don't be so smart! Hey! Look out where you're going! You crazy in the head or something? What's the matter with you? Hey, come on.
Get out of here, kids.
Come on.
Why don't you go down the street and play? Do you have to hang around here all the time? Hey, you ain't got any homes? Go on home! I'd hate to have her on my conscience.
There's only one way to approach her.
Now I've studied her every day for the past week.
The direct approach is the only approach.
Come, Elmer.
That's a laugh! Shut up! Hey, come on back here.
Where do you think you're going? You're gonna go to work, I'll bet! I bet you're going to go across to that bar and get drunk! See if I care! Shut up! Shut up or I'll Right here it is.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Albert Shrike, apartment 321.
How fitting.
What a name.
The butcher bird, shrike.
Listen to her.
And did you see the husband? I've seen enough and I've heard enough to make me feel like an old man.
I'm dying.
It's a miserable, hot, humid day.
Living in a tenement on a day like this is living boiled alive.
In a steam room.
Why don't we open the door? I'm dying of the heat.
Dying.
Yes.
Killing weather.
More murders are committed at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than at any other temperature.
Clarence, I know the statistics.
Yes, and the police do, too.
Come on.
Under 90 men's tempers stay cool but right at 92 degrees we all turn irritable itchy out of sorts.
Hatred boils at this point.
The least thing word, look, or sound and irritable murder.
No.
Don't look at the apartment numbers.
I'll bet we can find her apartment without- Hey, stop them kids from running around up there, you hear me? Hey, listen.
Hello? What's the matter you can't give somebody some peace down here once in a while? Hello? Listen, you keep them kids quiet or I'm gonna call the police.
Now I ain't kidding.
You hear me? And keep them quiet.
What do you want? We came to - Come on.
Speak up.
I can't hear you! Could you turn down the radio? Look, I ain't buying nothing.
So it ain't gonna do you no good.
Wait a minute.
I told you to keep those kids quiet up there, didn't I? Now, look, I'm very busy so make your pitch.
My name is Clarence Fox.
This is Mr.
Shore.
How do you do? We're retired insurance salesmen.
I don't need no insurance, so go on.
No.
Money is not the reason we came here today.
Yeah, where have I heard that one before? May we sit down? I said I'm busy.
I got things to do.
Thank you.
You see, now that we've retired we're trying to find a way to save people profiting by the statistics we learned while we were with the insurance company.
Too many people die before they should, Mrs.
Shrike.
You got me scared.
You see, we've thought we might set up a new type of service to help sick people.
Who's sick? I ain't sick.
But you are.
Hey look, don't tell me what I am.
You know, people can be sick and not know it and our job is to find those people and warn them.
Now, people are dying every day.
Why? They get tired.
They're not careful enough and the result is they really kill themselves.
I don't kill myself.
Not if I can help it.
But you might.
Here, let me show you something.
Now look.
Now you see, this light bulb hangs right over the bathtub.
Now, its wire is frayed, the insulation worn off.
Just one phone call to the electrician and he would see to it right away.
Now watch.
Watch.
Look.
Look.
Here you are in the tub.
Wet from head to foot.
Now, you start to get out, you slip, you grab.
So, one more person dead.
Clarence! You must be careful.
Yes.
Thank you.
Elmer, thank you.
Thank you.
You see? You see, people get lazy in their habits every so often.
They're not careful enough about the way they do things.
What's the light cord got to do with me? I didn't make it that way.
No.
No.
But you left it that way.
It could kill you.
So? So I'm dead.
So you're here for the funeral early.
Why? Why? Your place is a death trap.
Hey, listen there, the landlord send you to check up on us? No, no, no.
Here now.
Look.
What? This food should be in an icebox.
Haven't you ever heard of botulism? What's that? Food poisoning.
Why, in this weather, this heat Hey, what's the matter with your friend? He been out in the sun? Yes.
Yes, we all have.
You have.
Everyone in this house has.
Your husband, wherever he is right now he's getting hotter and hotter.
Well, you ain't telling me nothing.
Hey, listen, what you doing? You going around the whole building all the rooms, making speeches? No, no.
What? You come here to my room? Just to you.
Why? What for? What are you bothering me for? I want to help you.
Yeah.
That's rich.
Now please listen to me before it's too late.
Now, we all make mistakes in life, right? Yeah.
We lose money, we get sick, a million things happen to hurt us then we hate everybody.
Yeah.
Now you're talking my language.
We get mean.
Yeah, sure.
We turn so mean, we make people want to hit us.
Knock us down or worse.
Maybe even kill us.
Yeah.
Go on, go on.
Could we open just one window here? I don't want no window open in here.
Have you ever heard the term, "accident-prone"? It means people who are always falling down stairs breaking necks, arms, or legs.
Now, your subconscious mind can make your hand slip and cut yourself.
It can make you jaywalk in the street, and-and maybe get run over.
In other words, each of us can be the victim of ourselves.
Well, what you do? You go all over town looking for people like this? Only in order to help them.
You follow people? You watch them, huh? Yes.
To get facts.
One man I watched, fell from a 12-story building.
Accident? No.
'Cause secretly he wanted to die.
Another man forgot to put out a cigarette.
Burned himself up.
Accident? No.
He wanted to die, too.
Evidence.
Evidence, I have lots of it.
Scores of dead, injured, while I stood by and watched unable to prevent it.
Now you been watching me? Only in order to help.
What you doing? You having a ball or something? Crawling around the tenement district, seeing how everybody lives? Who do you think you are? You come sniffing around here! You don't like nothing you see! You're stupid! You telling everybody what to do! "Open the window," you say.
"Let in a little fresh air.
" Now open the window, you let in the flies and you're dead.
You stupid! "Turn down the radio" you say.
Why? Why? So I can hear them trucks outside and the kids yelling? Fix the leaky gas here.
How? You want to lend me the money? I'll fix it.
Listen, I could fix everything around here! I could fix the whole place! I'll sweep the floor, I'll make it real nice.
Sweep the floor and I'll put on a nice clean dress.
Wash the dishes, I'll comb my hair! I'll burn up all this junk! Burn up all the junk around here! Fix it all up real nice! Sure! Anything! I'm gonna fix it all up.
Only you got to promise me something! You got to do one thing for me.
You promise me one thing.
Anything.
Make me 20 years younger.
Can you do that, huh? And take about 40 pounds off that slob of a husband I got.
So he don't come home mad or drunk or maybe both.
And fix up this here place.
Fix it up so I can't hear the neighbors next door, upstairs, and down there.
And then give me one of them air coolers.
Or air conditioners, so a person could sleep at night! All during July, August, and September! I understand your problem.
Baloney! You don't understand the nose on your face! You stupid What do you think you know about me? Come on.
What do you think you know? I'm 45 years old.
Is that a crime? I used to be 30 and then, I was 20 and I was nice looking then, too.
No kidding.
I could show you some people that knew me then.
You're so stupid.
You go on.
Tell me something about myself I don't know already.
Go on.
I don't know how to proceed.
Now come on! You're so smart! Tell me something I don't know! Get out of here! Old man! You dirty, miserable old man! You need us! I don't need nobody.
I give up needing nobody a long time ago! But- I don't need no stinking old man following me around! See here, now, Mrs.
Shrike! Don't Mrs.
Shrike me, you old Clarence! Clarence! Please, Clarence, calm- What you doing? What are you doing that for? What's the matter? You trying to kill me, or something? I never done nothing to you! What's the matter with him? Is he crazy, or something? He tried to kill me! Did you see that? Let's get out of here.
You're a witness, you seen it.
He tried to kill me! That was almost murder.
Hey, murder! Police! Hey, murder! Did you see what I did? I came so close.
So very close.
That poor woman.
She's right.
I'm a fool.
An old fool.
You better forget it.
Forget? How? My pride didn't let me save that woman.
My pride.
I treated her as a fascinating kind of specimen when I should have seen her as a lost soul.
A human being in need of understanding.
All I had to do was put my hand out to touch her.
She never would have felt it.
Wouldn't she? We'll never know now.
And it's all my fault.
Maybe, we better go to her husband.
No, Elmer.
No, it's too late.
Poor Mrs.
Shrike.
Poor doomed woman.
I still think we ought to talk to her husband.
Tell him how she feels.
Elmer.
He wouldn't What's that hanging from his belt in back? A longshoreman's hook.
Elmer.
Elmer, what's the temperature now? Ninety-two.
Ninety-two degrees Fahrenheit right on the nose.
You needn't sit there staring.
We're not going to show you anymore.
In fact, I'm not even going to tell you what happened.
Television audiences are becoming entirely too dependent.
You expect us to do everything for you.
This oil is terribly difficult to get rid of.
Next week at this same time, I hope to see you again.
Good night.