American Dragon: Jake Long (2005) s01e18 Episode Script

(THEME SONG PLAYING)
He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
People, we're not braggin' ♪
He's the American Dragon ♪
He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
A real live wire ♪
American Dragon ♪
Dragon up!
American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
He's the American Dragon ♪
Break down with the dragon ♪
His skills are gettin' faster ♪
With Grandpa, the master ♪
His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
American Dragon ♪
From the J to the A ♪
To the K to the E ♪
I'm the mackdaddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard!
GRANDPA: Jake, get back to work!
Aw, man!
(GONG SOUNDS)
(BEAT-BOXING)
(THUMPING, CRASHING)
(ECHOING) Ear of the Dragon.
-(GLASS BREAKS)
-(GASPS) Wha?
Hi, Jake. Can I bring your private journal
to show and tell tomorrow?
What? No!
-Get out of here!
-Please?
I promise not to read the section
about your acne breakouts
or all those love songs
you wrote for that That
That Rose girl.
(WHINES, SOBS)
JAKE: That isn't gonna work, Haley.
(CRYING LOUDER)
I'm ignoring you.
But I'm so sa-a-d!
JAKE: I don't ca-a-re.
(CRYING)
(SIGHS) Okay. Let's hear it.
Every show and tell,
Olivia Meers brings in her cat.
-So?
-Her rare,
award-winning cat, Miss Tinkles.
Olivia ends up getting
all the attention every time,
the sweet, sweet attention
we both know to be rightfully mine.
(SCOFFS) Well,
you gotta step your game up, Haley.
You need to show-and-tell something
that will blow that fancy cat of hers
right out of the water!
I know, but what's better than a kitty?
Oh, no. No way!
I am not going to school to get poked,
drooled on, and misscratched
by a bunch of snot-nosed kids.
Forget about it!
Come on, Fu. Haley needs you.
Sorry, sweetheart. Ask me anything else,
but there is nothing on this green Earth
that will get me
to be shown-and-telled at your school.
Tomorrow is sloppy joe day.
(STAMMERING) Uh, uh,
did you say sloppy joes?
The sloppiest.
-We talkin' all-you-can-eat?
-Always.
-Meat-to-bean ratio?
-Three-to-one, at least.
Deal.
Hey, kid, huh?
Whoo. Can you pull this thing over?
'Cause I think I'm Oh
Gonna be cratesick.
Shh! no talking!
You have to act like a real dog,
and you have to be
on your best behavior today.
Hey, it's me. I mean,
yeah, sure, you know, bow-woof.
It's bow-wow.
Sure, that's what I meant.
Thanks, Fu Dog.
This is gonna be so great!
Oh, yeah, this is the tops.
Six hundred years old,
and I'm about to endure
my first day of school. Oy.
Look! Haley brought a dog!
Cool! Let's give her attention!
Ooh, what's his name?
-Fu Dog.
-ALL: Oh! Good doggie.
(GIGGLES) His wrinkles look all funny!
Yeah, I'll give you funny.
And how come his rear end is so fat?
Fat? How'd you like a fat lip?
That's all muscle, sweetheart.
And don't you I, uh
Uh, woof!
Yeah. Woof. Woofity-woof.
Haley, your dog's bark
sounds kind of weird.
Um, he's a Shar-Pei.
He barks in Chinese.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
-Hello, children.
Please take your seats.
We'll begin by taking roll.
Then we'll review last night's assignment.
Here. Dog, eat my spelling homework.
I didn't finish it.
Yeah, sure thing, kid.
Tastes like about a B-minus.
Excuse me, Ms. Maguire. Sorry I'm late.
My cat's manicure appointment
ran a little late.
I see someone brought in a stupid dog.
Still can't compete with Miss Tinkles.
I own show and tell.
We'll see about that.
(GASPS) Yuen-Yuen.
Well, well, well. Fu Dog.
Been a long time.
(HISSES, YOWLS)
Hand over the enchanted coin, Fu Dog!
Fat chance, Yuen-Yuen.
This open nickel was my dad's lucky coin
and his dad's lucky coin
and his dad's dad's lucky coin
and his dad's dad's dad's
Ah, well, you get the idea.
(MARTIAL ARTS GRUNTS)
(YOWLS)
Whoa!
(GROANS)
(YOWLS)
It shall be mine!
Keep your stinkin' claws
off my dad's dad's dad's dad's lucky coin!
-Oh, oh!
-Ahhh!
Meow.
Cats. How do they do that?
Better luck next time, pooch.
-(CREAKS)
-Ah!
So, we meet again.
It's been a long time.
Three hundred and sixty nine years.
But who's countin'?
Are you prepared to dance
the sweet tango of combat?
Blah, blah, blah.
Enough small talk, kitten.
Let's talk with our paws.
(GRUNTS)
(MARTIAL ARTS GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
Hey!
-(YOWLING)
-(BARKING)
-(PANTING)
-(HISSES, SPITS)
It's my coin, Yuen-Yuen.
Not for long, Fu Dog.
Meow!
Huh?
(YOWLS)
Have a nice flight, Fu.
Ah! Ahhh!
(SHRIEKS)
Uh, here goes nothin'.
(SCREAMING)
Give me that coin!
I hope you don't mind
if I make a few alterations
to your parachute.
Hey! What the
Hey, that's really cool!
It's very artistic.
Aw, brother.
Ahhh! (GRUNTS)
So long, Fu Dog!
Ah, this ain't over, Yuen-Yuen!
You hearin' me?
Ah Ahhh! (THUDS)
To this day, I still can't stand
those paper doll thingies.
And to this day, I have the coin.
Oh, we'll see about that, Sister.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
-MS. MAGUIRE: Okay, class,
time for lunch and recess.
We'll have show and tell right after.
Be good, Fu.
I'll bring you back the slo joes.
Bye, Miss Tinkles.
(YOWLS)
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
"Miss Tinkles," huh?
That's grand.
You posin' as some kid's house cat.
You got a litter box and everything?
Award-winning house cat to you.
Plus I'm rolling in catnip, literally.
You can keep the catnip,
but that coin is mine.
Now, fork it over, baldie.
Hmm, let me think.
No.
Ooh! well, you realize
this is about to turn ugly, huh?
Why, is your mother coming?
Ho, ho!
So it's gonna be like that?
Well, your mother is so bald, she
(YOWLING, HISSING)
Whoa Hey Cut the
-(GROANS)
-(HISSES)
I learned this next move at the kennel
in the Xiaolin Monastery.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(BLOWS) Yeah.
I learned that move
on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.
(YOWLS)
(COUGHING)
Eat metal, mutt.
Ah! (WHIMPERING)
(EFFORT GRUNTS)
So, this is how it ends, Fu Dog.
Aw, sweetheart, I'm just gettin' rollin'.
(YOWLS)
Give me that!
(SNARLS)
-(PANTING)
-(SNARLING)
(GROANS)
-(BOTH PANTING)
-(GRUNTS)
We're causin' some real damage here.
Don't we always?
(YOWLS)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(RUMBLING)
(HORN BLOWS)
(GRUNTS)
(STRAINING)
(WHIMPERS)
(YELLING)
(BABBLING)
Oh! Wow!
Now I know what a vase feels like.
Oh, it's Oh, my, it's
It's beautiful.
A-plus!
When I find that cat,
I'm gonna put the "ow" in "meow."
Oh. Bingo!
Hmm. Needs a little more sloppy.
FU DOG: Oh, Yuen-Yuen
Oh, I hate to waste a three-to-one
meat-to-bean ratio, but
(CLEARS THROAT) Hungry?
Oh!
(CLANGING)
(SHRIEKS) Give it up, Fu Dog!
There is no place you can hide that coin
that I cannot find it.
Guess again, kitten.
No!
(BURPS) I'll, uh, retrieve it later.
-(BELL RINGS)
-So long, Yuen-Yuen.
Better luck next millennium.
I'll get you for this, Fu Dog. Meow!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(PANTING)
(CHILDREN GASP)
(OLIVIA SCREAMS)
Curses!
I mean, meow.
MS. MAGUIRE: I'm sorry, Olivia.
School is just no place
for a kitty like Tinkles.
She's way too destructive.
You'll have to show-and-tell
something else from now on.
But But
(SIGHS) Yes, Ms. Maguire.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
You realize that you and I
shall dance the sweet tango
of battle again.
Yeah, yeah, honey, I'll see ya
in a couple hundred years maybe.
Bring your dancin' shoes.
-(GIGGLES)
-(GROANS)
Now, let's begin show and tell.
Haley, why don't you start?
Do I even want
to know what happened at school today?
Eh, probably not.
It was the best show and tell ever.
Thanks, Fu Dog.
Ah, anything for you, kid.
But we still gotta renegotiate
our sloppy joe deal.
Anything to, uh, you know,
help move things along?
You talkin' all-you-can-eat?
-Of course.
-HALEY: Meat-to-bean ratio?
FU DOG: I'm thinkin' six-one, at least.
-Five-one.
-Five-and-a-half.
-Deal.
-Whoo-hoo!
American Dragon ♪
American Dragon ♪
Ahhh!
JAKE: Ahhh! Smell that, guys?
That's freedom.
Yo, I smell a lot of things
in this subway car, Jake,
and freedom ain't one of 'em.
Come on, Trix. It's Memorial Day.
No school. No dragon training.
No responsibilities.
Coney Island beckons.
The rides, the cotton candy,
the dingy
yet remarkably sterile first-aid station.
Say what?
A holiday isn't a holiday
unless you get something bruised,
sprained, or drained.
Look here. This is Labor Day,
uh, Saint Patrick's Day,
Flag Day, Flag Day,
Flag Day,
uh, carpool Thursday. That was
CONDUCTOR: (OVER PA) Stillwell Avenue.
Coney Island.
Trust me, guys.
Today's not just gonna be some holiday.
It's gonna be the best day ever.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(BURPS)
(KIDS SCREAMING)
(BURPS)
Yo, that ride was crazy!
Come on, y'all! One more again!
One more again! Let's ride!
I think it did something to my inner ear.
Hey, am I still wearing my hair?
Oh. Guys?
I think I might have to go to the, um
Check the dumpsters!
Uh, yo, Jakie,
not to get all Mama Trixie on you,
-but I told you that
-JAKE: Yo!
You guys gotta come check this out.
No, thanks, bro. I've seen
stomach potpie before.
Not pretty.
No, not that. That!
It's some kind of sideshow,
and the poster says they got a unicorn.
TRIXIE: Yeah, right.
Me and Spud saw that show
when we was seven.
It was just a big dog
with a toilet paper tube
taped to his head.
Wha? It was?
Oh. Well, thank you
for ruining my childhood, Trixie.
Uh, three, please?
(SLAVIC ACCENT) Make it quick.
We are closing.
Look, but do not touch the talent.
Hey, don't gotta tell us twice.
Whoa!
Hey, you think that beard's real?
Yeah! Real nasty.
And the freaky thing is,
why she don't just go
get that thing waxed?
(BRITISH ACCENT) Has it occurred to you
that I rather like the way I look?
Well, has it?
I could do that in my sleep.
I could do that after eating
my uncle Elmo's super ding-ding chili.
(ALL GASP)
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) If y'all
are done makin' fun of us,
I suggest you git!
(ANIMAL SNORTS)
Whoa.
Yo, peep game.
That ain't hardly the same dog
I saw when I was seven.
-(STAMMERS) Is it?
-(NEIGHS)
(GASPS) Ahhh!
Run for your lives, y'all! Boogie!
Trixie, it's just a unicorn.
It's just like a horse.
Yeah, a horse with a sharp, pointy spear
comin' out of his head!
Uh-uh! Trixie does not do unicorns.
STRONGMAN: Hey, you children,
vat's going on here?
(ALL SCREAMING)
(HUFFS)
So, what now?
(DIALING)
and so the goblin says,
"Ogre? I hardly know her!" Ha!
Get it? Ogre? Huh?
MAN: Get a job!
Jeez, this is a tough crowd.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Talk to the Fu.
Fu, check it.
I'm at this sideshow on Coney Island,
and they captured a unicorn,
like a real unicorn!
What? Kid, unicorns can't live for long
separated from their herd.
You gotta get it out of there.
Me? But today's the Am Drag's day off!
Oh, right. Let me just call
the magical protector temp agency
and have 'em send over a substitute.
Okay, okay.
So, where's the herd?
That's the hitch.
Unicorns only appear
in the Central Park meadow
during the last night of the full moon,
which just so happens is tonight.
So if I don't get the unicorn
to Central Park by tonight, it
It'll be too late.
Good luck, kid.
SPUD: Uh, excuse us?
What y'all doin' back here?
Hey, yo, what up, dude?
Your act was so off the hook,
we had to come back for an autograph.
Really? My autograph?
Shh! I'm gettin' you out of here, boy.
(SNORTS)
I mean, girl?
Just put "to Dorothy."
Moms is crazy about carnies!
You better run along.
I gots to go feed the unicorn.
SPUD: No!
Oh. Wait. Uh, I mean,
I was gonna audition to join your sideshow
as, um, Contortie the Amazing.
Look. I'll show ya. Hoo-yah!
(GRUNTING)
Vat on Earth is this commotion?
You two?
TRIXIE: Ooh, Jake! Get out, man! Run!
(NEIGHS)
(GROANING, GRUNTING)
(NEIGHING)
Come on! We gotta catch her!
Posthaste! That unicorn
is worth its weight in gold!
Trixie, Spud!
Grab on!
Hey, yo, what if this freaky thing
tries to eat me or something?
Uh, I don't think it eats from that end.
Uh, yay?
ALL: Whoa!
Look! They're headin' yonder
toward the racetrack.
(BUGLE PLAYS "FIRST CALL")
ALL: Whoa!
RACETRACK ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA)
And it's Finish's Wish in the lead,
but slowly gaining is
This must be some kind of joke, folks,
'cause it looks like a unicorn.
Excuse us. Pardon us. Passin' on the left.
-How ya doin'? (CROWD LAUGHS)
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
RACETRACK ANNOUNCER: And by a horn,
it's the unicorn!
Where are the brakes on this thing?
Brakes. That's it!
(ECHOING) Wing of the Dragon!
(GROANING)
Ha. Now, that's what I call winging it.
(WHINNIES)
Yo, Jake, I think
this uni-freaky is really diggin' you.
Probably 'cause
she knows you're her magical protector.
Come on, girl.
Let's airlift you to Central Park,
dragon-style.
(ECHOING) Dragon up!
(GRUNTS)
No use.
I Can't Lift Her.
Um, I'm thinkin' we take the subway.
With a unicorn?
Oh, please.
I've seen stranger things
than that on the subway.
How we gonna get past them?
Hmm
Uh, pardon me, folks.
Any of y'all seen
a weird-lookin' horse around here?
-Sorry.
-Nope.
-Uh-uh.
-(SQUEAKS)
Yo, we're home free!
Uh, not quite.
-Get 'em!
-(UNICORN NEIGHS)
-(GASPS)
-Ahhh!
Ahhh!
STRONGMAN: You kids, stop!
Hey!
Yeah, baby! We did it!
All right!
In your face, carnies!
Not so fast.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)
(GRUNTING, GROWLING)
Man, this is some day off.
Okay, this train won't stop
until 42nd Street.
When it does, take Uni
and make a break for Central Park.
I'll hold off the carnies.
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Hurry!
Get her to the meadow!
Whoa!
Oh, you like fireballs?
(INHALES)
Vat in the world?
Ooh, let me guess. You ate the chili?
(GASPS) Whoa!
(ECHOING) Dragon up!
Drag-drag-drag-drag
Dragon up ♪
Yo, lookin' for me?
That there boy's a dragon.
I say, after him!
(BRAKES SQUEAL, HORNS HONK)
They're gaining!
Guys, follow me!
Yo, get up already!
Uh, it's no use. Uh, we're doomed!
Oh, no, we're not!
Look-a here, uni,
I know we're not the bestest of friends,
but if you wanna keep
from being turned into seat covers,
you better check that sass at the door
and shift your magical rump-shaker
into overdrive!
Now, giddy yourself up, you understand me?
-Whoa!
-(NEIGHS)
-Crazy!
-SPUD: Wow, you rock!
Aw, it ain't no use.
They're gone!
We're almost there.
Here comes the moon!
Ow. The back of my front hurts.
Mmm. Thanks for the ride, uni.
I guess you're not so bad after all.
The herd!
Go ahead, girl! You're free!
(WHINNYING)
I guess she appreciated the effort.
Well, I'm sorry
I ruined our best day ever.
What are you, bananas?
This was the best day ever!
And thanks to us,
a precious unicorn
is back with her family,
reunited, and it feels so good.
Thanks, guys.
I couldn't have done it without you.
SPUD: You know what I smell?
JAKE: Yeah. That, my friend, is freedom.
SPUD: Oh.
Freedom kind of smells
like unicorn droppings.