Bewitched (1964) s01e18 Episode Script

All right, Mother.
Very funny.
It's really easy if you know how.
Samantha, what happened to your head? - I gave myself a permanent.
- On purpose? Yes.
I thought perhaps your finger got stuck in a light socket.
Did I hear you say that you were going out with what's-his-name tonight? It's our seventh anniversary.
Really, Samantha? You haven't been carrying on this charade for seven years.
- Seven months, Mother.
- Just seems like seven years.
- You won't give up, will you? - Not until you do.
- Or he does.
- Well, don't hold your breath.
Darrin loves me.
Samantha, you're living in a fool's paradise.
Sooner or later that perfect husband of yours is going to roam and I don't mean Italy.
- It doesn't have to be that way.
- Oh, yes, it does.
- Why? - Because he's mortal.
You've done it again, Darrin.
Using the Venus de Milo in this fashion was a stroke of genius.
- Don't you agree, Charlie? - First-rate.
I'm glad you're pleased.
It's exactly what we've been looking for.
Style, class and just the right implication of allure.
As far as I'm concerned, it's a deal.
I'll carry the ball from here with you and the lawyers.
Slow down, Larry.
I said it was a deal as far as I was concerned.
You are the president of Countess Margaret's Cosmetics, aren't you? That's right.
And Margaret Marshall is chairman of the board.
I forgot all about the iron tigress.
She's due any minute.
I wouldn't worry too much.
I showed her Stephens' preliminary sketches.
She didn't toss them in the waste.
That's always a good sign.
Oh, boy.
I think she'll buy you.
- Buy me? - The campaign.
- Yes.
- Miss Marshall's on her way in.
Thank you.
- Miss Marshall.
- Hello, Margaret.
How nice to see you.
You're faking it, Charles.
You know I make you a nervous wreck.
And you can skip the introduction.
I've already met Mr.
Tate.
He's been trying to lure my account from Ryan and Worth for three years.
I think I finally made it.
That hasn't quite been decided yet, has it? - And you're Mr.
Stephens.
- Yes.
I like your work.
I hope I'll like you.
I hope so too.
- Well, Charlie, what do you think? - I'm sold.
- That is, if you are.
- It is good.
Splendid.
Let's sign the paper so that Darrin can get started.
Just a minute.
I said it was good, I didn't say I was ready to sign.
I want Darrin to have the benefit of my thinking on the changes we discussed.
If it comes off as well as I think it will, he'll have the account.
- Sounds fair.
Let's get to work.
- I can't.
I'm late for a meeting.
- But you'll be back.
- Not soon enough.
I'm afraid you'll have to meet me in Chicago.
- Chicago? - Our home offices are there.
I'll arrange your transportation.
We'll have dinner and get to work.
- Tonight? - Never argue with a million-dollar account.
I have great plans for us.
- He'll be there.
- Good.
Let's go, Charlie.
We're in, my boy.
Margaret Marshall's signature could mean a quarter million annually.
- It's our anniversary.
- Incidentally she's taken a shine to you.
- Larry She doesn't know you're married.
Until this deal is signed, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
- Larry, my anniversary.
- Don't swim upstream, Darrin unless you wanna lay an egg.
Hi there.
My, you are home early.
You didn't get fired, I hope.
No.
As a matter of fact, things have been going very well.
Good.
Sam, I've got to talk to you about something.
What happened to your head? I got my finger stuck in a light socket.
You should see how pretty it's gonna look tonight.
That's what I have to talk to you about.
- We have to call it off.
- Oh, Darrin.
I'm sorry, honey.
It's business.
The head of this cosmetic firm feels my work needs finishing touches and insists upon doing them tonight.
So I have to fly to Chicago.
- Chicago? - This person flew back this afternoon and practically issued an order for me to follow immediately.
That's very inconsiderate.
- Who is this person? - What person? - The head of the firm.
- The name's Marshall.
I'm sorry, but I've just gotta lock up this account.
Darrin? Aren't you gonna open your present? Of course, darling.
Beautiful-Iooking box.
- Oh, honey, that's a knockout.
- You like it? You didn't? No, of course not.
I've been saving money out of the grocery budget.
It works too.
Here, open yours.
Oh, Darrin.
Darrin, it's beautiful.
- You sure you like it? - It's stunning.
- You have marvellous taste.
- Thank you.
You sure you don't care about tonight? Well But I understand.
- I would like to come with you.
- No.
I mean, I don't think you'd enjoy it, sweetheart.
- I'd be with you.
- Yes, but I'd be with this person.
There's an unwritten law in the advertising game.
Wives and business just don't mix.
You could take me along in a case with holes in it like a pussycat.
- Nobody would know.
- Honey, I'll be gone a few hours.
If you get Ionely, ask your mother to join you.
I'll think of something to amuse me tonight.
Honey, I'd feel much better if you stayed right here at home.
You promise? If you promise not let that Marshall person keep you away too long.
It's a deal.
Just tell her your wife's waiting for you.
Her? Don't say it.
Nothing is farther from my thoughts.
But I told you so.
Mr.
Darrin Stephens please step to the tan phone at the information counter.
Mr.
Darrin Stephens please step to the tan phone at the information counter.
Hello, Samantha.
- Oh, Larry.
You just caught me.
- Now go to it, my boy.
I don't have to tell you what this account could mean to us.
Look, there's only so much I can do even for McMann & Tate.
And above all, remember, don't tell her you're married.
Okay, Larry.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Mr.
Stephens, I'm Kujo.
How'd you know me? Missy Marshall described you perfectly.
Handsome, strong-Iooking young man.
Sexy eyes, worried.
This way, please.
- Where are you taking me? - To Missy Marshall.
- At her office? - Surely you jest.
- I do? - You dine alone with her at home.
Very private.
Easy to get things done.
Captain Kelly waiting to take you to Missy Marshall in speedboat.
You said I'd meet Missy Marshall I mean, Miss Marshall at home.
Is home.
See.
Name of boat: True Love.
She lives out there? People who live on yachts don't have noisy neighbours, be all by yourself.
Captain Kelly, this is Mr.
Stephens.
Deliver him to Missy Marshall.
My pleasure, sir.
The speedboat's waiting.
Is that your cat? No, just found it wandering around the end of the pier.
Unusual too.
Most cats don't take much to the water.
I'm moored at the end of the pier.
This way, sir.
Are you taking that cat? Might as well give it a good home aboard the True Love.
You could tak e me along in a case with holes in it lik e a pussycat.
Would you mind waiting for me? I'd like to make a phone call.
Looks like our fearless leader caught herself a very nervous one this time.
He has all symptoms of a married man.
He'll be three miles out, no one can get to him there.
Jealous wife make very strong swimmer.
- Confucius.
- Kujo.
I just make it up.
No, operator, I don't remember the area code number.
Your dedication to housework is positively revolting, Samantha.
Be patient.
As soon as I burn the trash, we'll have time for a nice long visit.
You realize, of course, that while you're igniting that Margaret Marshall is doing the same to that husband of yours.
I told you why Darrin went to Chicago.
It's business.
Monkey business.
She's not here, Donald.
You get to your party? No.
Maybe your party get to other party.
All set, sir? - I guess so.
- This way, please.
- Did I hear the phone ring? - I don't know, did you? - You were standing right there.
- Actually, I was standing over there.
Now that you mention it, I did hear a ringing sound.
Mother, did the phone ring while I was outside or didn't it? I believe it did.
- Who was it? - They didn't say.
You answered and you don't know who was on the end? Well, not exactly.
I didn't answer it.
It must have been Darrin.
- Mother, you really are impossible.
- Well, Samantha, I didn't want to be overly pushy.
He wanted to talk to me and I have no way of reaching him.
Why don't you go to Chicago? Because I promised I wouldn't.
And because it's underhanded and sneaky and shows a lack of faith.
- All right.
You talked me into it.
- Into what? - Well, I didn't promise him anything.
After all, someone has to be there to make sure that he's not making a fool of you.
Mother, I forbid you.
You forbid me? Isn't that divine.
Oh, really, Samantha, I think you've lost your marbles.
Welcome aboard the True Love and down the hatch.
- Thank you.
- All secured, Miss Marshall.
- Good, let's get under way.
- Under way? - We'll take a cruise while we're planning our campaign.
I plan better away from the crowd.
How far are we going? We'll see how our plans crystallize.
Why so fidgety? L I'm just not used to boats.
You're not afraid of me, are you? Certainly not.
I just think we should get down to business.
So do I.
Is something wrong? I think we better discuss the champagne.
I mean, the campaign.
That's what we're here for after all.
Why are you so nervous? Cats.
I'm allergic to cats.
They make me sneeze.
Well, we'll have her removed.
She does have a pretty face.
A beautiful, lovely face.
It's the prettiest face I've ever seen.
Kujo, put another bottle on ice and take the pussycat away.
Yes, missy.
Have you always had this trouble? Oh, I don't have any trouble.
Oh, the allergy.
Oh, yes.
Yes, since I was: You probably never had a pet when you were a boy.
What a shame.
Yes.
Well, now, you were saying at the office this afternoon that you had an idea for a specific approach.
Shall we talk about that? I always have specific ideas about approaches.
They must be good.
You've been successful.
- Very.
- You own and operate one of the most successful firms of its kind in the country.
It's quite remarkable.
- Does the music bother you? - Not a bit.
Good.
Shall we dive right into the matter so that I can have the benefit of your thinking? If you insist.
It's quite simple, really.
Instead of Venus, I thought we'd have a girl rising from the sea on the label.
I might even pose for it myself in something scant and sexy.
Do you think that's too immodest? Oh, not at all.
But Venus was a classic.
To the women who buy my product Venus is a plump girl who never learned to stop biting her fingernails.
But something scant and sexy, is that the proper image? I'm beginning to think that you don't think I can handle it.
- I didn't mean that.
- Don't go away.
Samantha? Where are you? All right, Samantha, I know it's you.
You gave your word you'd stay home, but you couldn't keep your promise.
Now, what has it accomplished? It just proves that you don't trust me.
Sweetheart, you know I love you.
Why did you have to do this? I'Il Samantha? Samantha, you have no right to act this way.
Now, Sam, I'm here on business, and that's all there is.
Sam.
Hi.
- Looking for something? - The cat.
- Did she come back? - Yes.
She must like you.
She did, once.
- When? - Never mind.
You haven't even noticed.
Do you think the public would mind replacing Venus with me? Oh, no, you look lovely.
Great.
Marvellous.
Now cover up.
We change the campaign your way.
You win, we're all set.
Now that the business is over shall we get down to the recreational aspect? You should put on something warmer, you'll catch a cold.
Oh, I'm quite comfortable.
Cosy, as a matter of fact.
- Larry Tate should've come along.
- We don't need him.
Yes, we do.
There are complications he should be aware of.
This is no time to worry about complications or Larry Tate.
Samantha, wait! Excuse me.
Samantha.
Where are you, darling? Samantha.
Sam.
Is everything hunky-dory, Mr.
Stephens? Yes, fine.
I'm just taking a turn around the deck.
Salt air is very refreshing.
Yes, I can imagine.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam? Sweetheart, is that you underneath all those feathers? It's me, Darrin.
Speak to me, sweetheart.
Don't be angry.
You know I love you.
Don't turn away from me like that.
Will you please stop spying on me? Everything's going to be all right.
Have you been eating fish? Will you just fly away home? Oh, excuse me.
Samantha.
Samantha, you're driving me crazy.
Speak to me.
Darling, say something.
Anything at all.
I apologize for thinking you were that ugly bird.
Samantha, I love you.
Don't growl at me, sweetheart.
I know what you mean.
He was behaving very strangely when he was in here.
Captain, you better head the boat back to the mooring.
Aye-aye, Miss Marshall.
Are you always romantic with cats and pelicans instead of women? Not necessarily.
Captain Kelly couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
It was just a gag.
You understand.
It's hard to explain.
Well, let me help you.
You're married, right? Oh, yes.
I wasn't supposed to I mean, it never came up so I didn't mention it, but I'm very married, yes.
She must be exceptional.
Oh, she is.
Exceptional, I mean.
If I told you how, you wouldn't believe me.
Oh, spare me the details.
- Then the deal's off? - Off? With the best campaign I've seen in years? Now look, friend, business is one thing, playtime is another.
You've got what I want for the company.
When you get back, you can tell your associates all systems are go.
Clear? That's very clear.
And I'm sorry that I love my wife.
- I mean I don't mean my wife, I mean - Oh, please, it isn't important.
I'll leave you two alone now.
And one parting word of advice: If I were you, I'd never touch champagne.
You just wait till I get you home.
All right, Sam.
Your little masquerade is over.
You're home now.
Now would you please talk to me before I really get angry? Hello, darling.
I'm so glad you're home.
I'm so glad to see you.
See me? I haven't been out of your sight since I left.
What on earth do you mean? I mean, you haven't been out of my sight since I left this house.
You've been right there, in my mind.
- Just as though you were really there.
- Sweet.
- What were you saying to this cat? - What cat? Oh, this cat.
Oh, nothing special.
You know how much I love animals.
Besides, it's a present for you to keep you company in case I ever have to leave home again.
Try not to leave home again.
Good night, Mother.
You never looked lovelier.