Bizaardvark (2016) s01e18 Episode Script

1 Okay, let's see what my loving father, Dr.
Wong, packed for lunch today.
Some latex gloves hand sanitizer, and a pamphlet on the dangers of food-borne illnesses, which explains why there is no food.
Sometimes I wish my dad wasn't a surgeon and owned a restaurant like your mom.
It's not that great.
I mean, I didn't get tiramisu.
Oh, wait.
I did.
Oh no, not again.
Did your mom pack one of her lovey-dovey notes in your lunch bag today? Of course she did.
She does every day.
"Dear Paigey-cakes, "here are some lunchtime kisses for my favorite little girl.
Muah, muah, muah.
" (laughter) Where did they all come from? They're like embarrassment ninjas.
Shoo! Get out of here, smart kids! I don't know what's going on with my mom lately.
She's even more over-the-top than normal.
I mean, look at this.
She packed a card too.
Mrs.
Olvera: Muah! Muah! Muah! - Muah! Muah! Muah! Muah! - It won't stop! - Throw it away! - Muah! Muah! (laughter) Paige, I love you! - Paige, I love you! - (laughter) It's not me! There are a lot of other Paiges at this school.
Paige Olvera, Paige Olvera - Hope your pimple goes away! - (laughter) I'm eating your tiramisu! (theme music playing) Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
(electronic music playing) Both: We've got Gym as the first class of the day Our sweaty, stinky body odor won't go away Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, gross Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, gross Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, gross Yay! Bravo! Bravo! Mom! What are you doing here? I never get to see you anymore.
You're always here.
Also, I wanted to make sure no one's being mean to you.
No one's being mean to you, right? Do I need to talk to anybody? Mom, no.
And I thought we agreed I'd meet you in the parking lot of the mall down the street.
Don't worry, I haven't done anything embarrassing while I was here.
- And send.
- (phone beeps) Now you all have pictures of Paige in her headgear.
(phones chime and beep) (laughter) If I had known I'd be climbing a rock wall this morning, I would have shaved my pits.
(tango music plays) Dip me, Horse Face Guy.
(cheering) (chuckling) Headgear.
Thanks, Mrs.
O.
Anyway, I'm also here because I need your help.
The restaurant's been really busy lately, so I was thinking Drumroll, Frankie I play keyboard.
What if you girls came and waitressed for me, starting tonight? Mom, I I don't think - All the free food you can eat.
- I'm in.
Yay! I'll get to see you all the time.
And at the end of every shift, you can perform your comedy songs for the customers.
Agh, I wish I could, but my mom said that Ugh, I'm such a bad liar.
Uh, Mrs.
O, can you give us a moment in private please? Sure.
Here's some mom music.
We have to do this.
Your mom's restaurant is always packed and we'll get to play our songs for a huge crowd.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But how much of this is just about you wanting free food? 99% food and Wait, what was the other thing? Hey! Hey! Dare completed! Whoo! We stacked everything in my studio that wasn't nailed down into a free-standing tower.
What a productive way to spend three weeks.
Yeah! Catch up with you guys on Monday.
I'm taking an off-the-grid vacation this weekend.
No calls, no texts.
Just me in a cabin writing haikus.
(in deeper voice) I mean I'm going to a chainsaw convention! Almost forgot my inspiration journal.
(creaking) (exhales) Need my suitcase too.
(grunts) (grunting) My legs are stuck! Guess this is where I'll be writing my haikus.
Oh, no.
I am stuck.
How will I ever get out? This really stinks bro.
Nice! Help! Welcome to Mama's, where everyone's family.
This is my daughter Paige.
She works here now! Well, it's only temporary.
Yeah, like all that hair you used to have on your body when you were a baby.
The doctor called her "Grizzly Girl.
" She was on the news! Mom! Here.
- Read them tonight's pasta special.
- Okay.
Mom, you didn't.
- Say it.
- (sighs) Nonnies and yum yum sauce.
It's what she called mac and cheese when she was little.
(laughs dryly) Yup, that's me, the hairy idiot.
All right, let me see if I memorized everybody's order right, starting with Hat Guy and going clockwise.
Short ribs, fettuccine Alfredo with two rolls on the side, Cobb salad, no salad, not fooling your wife, sir, salmon, extra salmony, and nonnies with yum yum sauce, whatever that is.
(table claps) Wow, you're really good at this.
It's a living.
I don't know how much more of my mom I can take.
She keeps embarrassing me in front of all the customers.
Keep your eyes on the prize.
When we get to play our music in front of a packed house, it'll all be worth it.
Really? Is it worth my mom putting that up? What's so embarrassing about a picture of your family dog? That's me.
If you're watching this video, it means I'm dead.
Or I uploaded it to my channel and I'm completely fine.
Either way, big numbers! - (creaking) - Okay.
My legs are stuck.
The studio is soundproof.
No one's looking for me.
Unless I can find some way to communicate with the outside world, - I'm doomed.
- (phone chimes) My phone! (grunts) Yes! Now I have two camera angles! Like I was saying Unless I can find some way to communicate with the outside world, I'm doomed.
Oh, duh! I'm such a dope! Always record in landscape.
It's more cinematic that way.
(sighs) You were right.
All the embarrassing stuff my mom put me through is gonna be worth it for this moment.
Hey, everybody! We're Bizaardvark! (cheering) When you woke up this morning And you saw your hair was fried Hold on! Hold on before you start! I can't tell you how proud I am of my little girl.
The first time I heard Paige sing, she was on the toilet making gross-gross sauce.
- That's what Paige called - Mom! People are eating.
We can't even perform a song without my mom embarrassing me.
I can't take this anymore.
I'm quitting.
It has always been my dream to have Paige join me in my restaurant.
And now that dream has finally come true.
Paige, I love you.
And now back to the comedy.
Maybe I'll just wait to quit till after she stops crying.
I love my daughter! I'll just do it tomorrow.
Okay, my mom's in a good mood.
I think now would be a good time to tell her that I'm quitting.
You can't quit.
If you quit, then I have to quit, and I need this job.
I got kids to feed.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
A whole birthday party over at table eight.
Feliz cumpleaos, Marco! Te quiero tu corazon! I'm sorry, Frankie, but the embarrassment stops now.
Okay, now.
Mom, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure thing, sweetie.
I don't know if I'm right for this job.
What are you talking about? Have you seen what a terrible waitress I am? I keep putting my dirty thumbs in people's iced teas.
You're just starting out.
We all make mistakes.
Okay.
Hey, uh, I also used a knife to clean my nails.
Ooh! They look gorgeous, honey! Um, I also dropped the bread on the floor, I used a fork as a back scratcher, and I sneezed in the pasta primavera.
Honey, what's going on? It sounds like you don't want to spend time with me.
No, no, I just I think my time would be better spent making videos.
- Oh, I get it.
- (exhales) You want the two of us to make a commercial for the restaurant.
Uh That way we combine what you do with what I do and we can spend even more time together! Yay us! Still working here? - Yeah.
- Good.
'Cause Marco just puked up his birthday cake and I'm on break! I don't know if I'm gonna make it through the weekend, guys.
The truth is I'm scared.
But the good news is I found a bullhorn, which I can use to prop up my phone camera! Ah, I'm so hungry.
There's gotta be food in here somewhere.
Oh! Thank goodness! (grunts) Food! It's been so long! I'll eat anything! Chunky peanut butter? New England clam chowder? My favorite cereal! With raisins? (screaming) Who just screamed? Whoa, it was me.
For a second there, I thought there was someone else in here.
There is, Dirk.
Did you just say something? Yeah.
I said, "There is, Dirk.
" Oh.
Cool.
That's what I thought you said.
I was worried I was losing my mind or something.
It's bad enough I have to be in this commercial, but my mom made you wear that? Oh, oh, no, this is my idea.
I'm hoping your mom will use me in the commercial.
I'm pancakes.
Yeah.
Where'd you get the costume? Let's just say there's an elementary school that won't be doing their Balanced Breakfast play this year.
Here's what I'm thinking for the commercial.
Oh, no.
I'll say, "Welcome to Mama's", home of Mama's Little Waitress.
" Then we show you wearing this onesie and you say your catchphrase.
"I'm Mama's Widdle Waitress.
" What? No, no.
I'm not saying that.
I have to agree with Paige.
Here's an idea.
We open on a stack of pancakes.
We hold on the pancakes.
The screen says "Mama's" and then we're out.
Yeah, no.
I'm so excited for this commercial, Paige.
People are gonna be talking about it forever.
(dramatic music plays) Hello, class.
I'm your new music teacher, Mrs (sighs) Schotz.
Hey, I know you from somewhere! Oh, no.
Not again.
You're Mama's Little Waitress.
Say your catchphrase.
Say it.
I'm Mama's Widdle Waitress.
(cheering) She can't teach a class.
She's a baby.
(demonic voice) This is how you will be remembered now and forever.
(echoing) Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
I can't do this.
What are you talking about? It's enough already! With the lunch notes and the yum yum sauce and the mean oboe girl who made me say my catchphrase.
Fantasy.
I need some space.
Everywhere I go, you embarrass me.
I'm sorry, Paige.
I just love you so much.
Well, could you try not loving me so much? Hey, I know this might not be the right time, but what if the pancakes had a catchphrase? Something like, "You butter believe it!" You know what, do not make any decisions until you're done crying! "Butter believe it.
" Dude, you missed out yesterday.
Your mom hired that camera crew for the whole day, so I shot a bunch of footage in the pancake costume.
I came up with a character and developed a full backstory.
I'm really proud of what we came up with.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! It's pretty much that for three hours.
Hey, what's going on? You and your mom make up yet? No.
We haven't really talked since yesterday.
I'm still waiting for her to apologize to me.
You know, a couple days ago, I asked my dad to put notes in my lunch.
- He didn't do it? - No, he did.
"Got your birthday card.
Lots of misspellings.
We need to talk.
" Well, at least he No, that's pretty bad.
I wish my parents were even half as warm and gushy as your mom.
If I were you, I'd think that's pretty cool.
I guess there are worse things than getting a note every day.
Oh.
There's no note.
Good.
This is what I want.
I don't need notes.
I'm an adult.
A 13-year-old adult.
I'm sorry, Paige.
Wait, there's a back to this note? "P.
S.
Any chance you're going to college early? I need your room for a gym.
" Unbelievable.
Don't worry, Dirk.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Really? I knew I could count on you, Punching Bag Man.
Here's the plan.
I'm gonna summon all my strength and use brute force to lift you out of that pile of rubble.
Then we'll go out for chicken parm to celebrate.
You're paying.
Okay.
That's an oddly specific plan.
But let's do it.
Punching Bag Man, huzzah! (grunting) What's the matter, Punching Bag Man? There's one little thing I forgot.
I can't move.
(sighs) Guess I'm stuck forever.
No! No, no, no, just a snag! There there's always a plan B! Uh, I'll hoist myself to the ceiling, swing across the rafters, and and pull the fire alarm! And then we'll go out for chicken parm.
This time, I'm paying.
Oh, okay.
Who am I to turn down free chicken parm? Punching Bag Man, huzzah! (grunting) Hey, Dirk? You know what I just remembered? - You can't move? - I cannot move.
Attention, patrons of Mama's! It's me, the girl who used to put her fingers in your iced teas! Patrons: Boo! You probably shouldn't have led with that.
Anyway, we'd like to share this video with you.
It's dedicated to my mom, and it's called "Notes in Your Lunch Bag.
" (scary music plays) Paige: Your worst nightmare could be anywhere Looking around the corner Haunting echoes hiding in the shadows Filling your soul with horror Sweat is seeping from your palms - Have a good day! Love, Mom.
- Aah! Students: Notes in your lunch bag Notes in your lunch bag It's so embarrassing that your mother loves you Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha You and Mommy get along Paige: Bags keep swelling "Doom" they're spelling And there's no way to stop her Notes are endless It's a death sentence You need a first responder Wish you could buy lunch from school Remember, I think you're cool! Aah! Students: Notes in your lunch bag Notes in your lunch bag It's so embarrassing that your mother loves you Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha - Notes in your sandwich - Mom: Good luck on your test! - Notes on your classmates - Make lots of friends! - Notes in the bathroom - Miss you, sweetie! Can't escape them (demonic voice) Can't escape them - Notes falling from the sky - Hugs and kisses! - Notes written with a plane - "P.
S.
: Grandma says hi!" Notes in your Aww.
Notes in your lunch bag Bizaardvark (cheering) Mom I used to think that all you did was embarrass me.
But now I realize how lucky I am to have a mother who loves me so much.
I'm sorry I've been so over-the-top lately.
It's just that ever since you started spending all your time at Vuuugle, we haven't seen each other as much.
It may not seem like it affected me, but No, it definitely seems like it did.
But I know I need to let go a little bit.
And I promise to chill out.
Thanks, Mom.
And I guess a lunch note every now and then wouldn't be so bad.
Hm.
Hope you saved room for pancakes! Sorry to ruin the moment.
Emotions make me uncomfortable.
So then I continue tunneling up until I break the surface of the Earth.
At this point, our friends, the mole people, will have pinpointed your location, and together, we Punching Bag Man, you can't move! None of your plans are gonna work! You know what? Why is this all on me? I thought you were DareMeBro, the dude who doesn't back down from anything! I am.
Then I dare you to stop whining and break yourself out of there like a man! You're way out of line! Then do something about it, DareMeBro, or should I say DareMeNo.
Wait, I can do better.
FlareBeCrow.
Nope, that was way worse.
That's it! (Screams) You can't do it, Dirk! You're not strong enough! - (grunting) - You're weak! I am DareMeBro! I did it! I got out! It's like I needed the anger to escape.
This was all part of your plan, wasn't it? No, it really wasn't.
Thank you, Punching Bag Man! You're the best friend that I could ever ask for! Now let's go get some chicken parm! And this time, we're both paying.
Huzzah! Should we help him? Let's just wait 10 minutes.
I want to see how weird this gets.