Black-ish (2014) s01e18 Episode Script

We all have a daily routine.
Oh.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
And it's comforting to always know what's going to happen next.
But it also gets a little Routine.
But just when you think, "this is it.
This is my life," life surprises you.
Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Aah! I hate surprises.
I'm late.
That's your own fault.
You know, you should plan your outfits a week in advance, like I do Mondre through Fridre.
Not that kind of late, Dre.
I'm Late.
Huh.
Which is weird, 'cause in my rational mind, I know there's no way I'm pregnant.
But I still get that little, like, flutter of excitement, you know? - Mm-hmm.
- God.
It's so funny.
Yeah.
Funny.
It's like that feeling when you're at the top of a roller coaster, and it's, like, scary, but it's, like, "fun" scary 'cause you know you're safe.
Mm-hmm.
I remember when it used to be scary scary.
Before you got the vasectomy.
Now it's just nice, you know? I even got to go off the pill.
Hey, whoa.
You got off the pill? Yeah.
But I thought you were taking those for cramps.
I haven't had those for a really long time.
Oh.
Did not know that.
- You know why? - Hmm? 'Cause you did not need to know that, because you're amazing.
And you took care of business.
My little baby.
As sophisticated viewers, I think you know where this is heading.
Now, as I said, I hate surprises.
But Bow loves them, so maybe she'll be cool with this.
But, again, as sophisticated viewers, you know I'm a dead man.
I hate Mondres.
You lied and told your wife you got a vasectomy? W-w-wait.
You never got a vasectomy? I only got mine 'cause you said yours was easy.
I leaked fluids for six days without medical care 'cause you said that was totally normal.
I must admit, not my finest hour here or at home.
More ketchup.
Ow.
It hurts when I say "ketchup.
" Ohh.
There might be another kid on the way? God, you must be freaking out.
I know I did when my wife accidentally got pregnant.
Luckily, turns out it wasn't even mine.
Bow is gonna be so mad.
Aw, come on.
Women are irrational creatures.
How is being upset at your husband for lying irrational? And that right there is why China is this close to producing a baby-making robot.
And that right there is why I record all of these meetings.
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
Dre, seriously Was it easier to lie than to just have the vasectomy and endure 30 seconds of pain? - 30 seconds?! - H-hold on.
See, y-you don't get it.
Tell me this.
Where would you rather be shot? Huh? Here or here? Here or here? - Here or here? Here or here? - I I stop - here or - I don't know! Trust me from someone who's been shot in both, I'd take face any day.
- What? - Long story short, never make yourself a grilled butter sandwich while cleaning your gun.
Okay, uh, Dre, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna ride it out, you know, and if Bow's monthly visitor comes, problem solved.
"Monthly visitor"? You can say "period.
" - LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA - Blah! - LA, LA, LA, LA - Gross! Gross! - LA, LA! - Come on, Laura! This is a place of work, okay? Not the docks.
I would definitely rather get shot in the balls.
Okay.
Hey, everybody! Oh.
Hey, babe.
What's going on? - Aunt Flo come? - No.
Oh, my God.
Mm.
Mom's pregnant.
- Are you sure? - Yes! Dad just asked her if "Aunt Flo" came, and she said, "no.
" That's crazy.
We have an aunt I've never even heard of? Are you guys getting birthday money we don't know about? - And then it hit me.
- Hmm? I'm obviously not pregnant.
Obviously.
It's early-onset menopause.
Dre, you are not the father.
Whoooooooo! You will never be the father.
It happened to my mom and my grandma early, too, and I guess I was just in denial It was gonna happen to me.
It's like a whole phase of my life my womanhood.
No, no, no, no.
Baby, don't worry.
I'll still love you.
- Wait what? - Hmm? Why is that even on the table? I-it's not! No! We can't have a new baby! We're the babies.
Mom says my butt is as soft as a baby's bottom.
But compared to a real baby, it'll seem like turtle skin.
Turtle skin is actually very soft.
Why are you fighting me on this? I'm not the enemy.
It's the unborn monster in mommy's tummy.
We can't have another baby.
I mean, I barely got you two out of diapers.
What are you talking about? You never changed our diapers.
Yeah.
You barely even talk to us.
Until I was 3, I thought I was the only one who could see you.
Guys, come on.
We're bringing new life into the world.
I'm gonna talk to it in mom's belly, and it'll learn my voice and love me best.
If it's a boy, I'm thinking Gimli.
If it's a girl Gimli still works! LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA Someone's in a good mood.
I'm relieved! I thought I was either pregnant or going through menopause, and guess what.
- I'm neither! - Oh! Thank God.
Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank Go-o-o-o-d! I mean, pregnancy is bad, but menopause euggggh! Oh oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, I'm totally insensitive.
Pam, I'm so sorry! No, no.
It's okay.
Really.
I'm happy I'm pregnant.
Y-you you're pregnant? Yeah! Who knew? Science, huh? Science.
I'm so jacked up on hormones, I'm all over the place.
Oh, goodness.
Oh, but I am so happy for you.
- Oh.
- And I'm crying and, you know come on! Fight me! Oh.
Wow.
I don't know where it came from.
No.
I-I don't want to fight you, Pam.
I'm actually really glad that I don't have to sue you.
Sue me? Why would you sue me? Uh Well, you did Dre's vasectomy.
I thought I was pregnant.
No, I never did Dre's vasectomy.
Oh, he canceled and rescheduled at least five times, but he never came in.
He didn't? No! No, no, no.
It happens all the time.
I make $244,000 a year on vasectomy cancellation fees.
I don't even practice anymore.
I just make appointments and wait.
But if he changes his mind, I can scrub in any time.
Oh, no.
No.
If anyone's gonna be cutting my husband It's me.
- Hey, babe.
- Oh.
Hey, babe.
What's that? Oh, the mouthwash? It's oral hygiene Fresh Breath.
You ever seen this stuff before? No, no, I m I m-meant the pregnancy test.
Oh, the pregnancy test? You know, I just my symptoms are all over the place, so I just wanted to rule it out.
Yeah, I know.
It's silly, right? Yeah, so silly.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, I read someplace that sometimes vasectomies, uh, they don't take, you know.
Oh, God.
Not Pam's.
Pam is known for the fascial interposition and cautery.
Is she? Yeah, it's the whole snip-and-burn.
Ouch.
- She shuts It Down.
- Mm.
Yeah, so, I mean, I know we're good.
- I just want to make sure.
- Okay.
- You know you're safe with me.
- Okay.
'Cause this guy is ba-bang, ba-bang! Oh.
- Shooting blanks.
- Nothin's in 'em.
- Nope.
- Nope.
Daddy, come here! Oh, that's the kids calling.
Oh, so I'll just do this right now.
O-or you could wait for me? Oh.
I mean, if you choose to.
You know, I don't care.
Okay.
Well, then I'll probably just do on second thought, I'll take it with me.
Oh, you're gonna take that with you? Yeah.
That's so weird.
Yeah, I just want to check the accuracy.
Oh.
Okay.
A wise man would have taken this as a sign to tell the truth.
And an even wiser man would have hopped a boxcar and seen the world.
But I decided to stay and take care of the children I already have.
'Cause I'm stupid.
Here he comes.
We have t-minus nine months till the new baby's here.
Let's make it count.
Hey, guys.
Read to us, papa! What? "And whispered with a smile, 'I love you right up to the moon and back.
'" The end.
And good night.
- One more time! - You skipped a word! What's going on? You haven't wanted to hear this book in years.
We love it.
We miss its naive simplicity.
I Jack, what are you doing? I'm dirty.
I need a bath.
I want a piggyback ride! Uh, no.
It's bedtime.
Oh! You're a horsey! Hey, mom.
Hey.
Something on your mind? No, just, uh just me.
Junior.
I love you.
Oh.
I love you, too.
Sweetie, what are you doing down there? Who? Me? Junior? I'm tying my shoe.
Junior's shoe.
Stand up.
Look me in the eyes.
Are you experimenting with drugs? No.
Whoops! You are so beautiful To me Is it the Greenstein kid? Is he giving you drugs? - Daddy, daddy, daddy! - Hey.
Hey.
Look, I'm serious, Jack.
It's time to get out.
I'm a fish.
Brush my teethies! Ohh.
Hey.
Hey, Zoey! Help.
They're your kids.
Just deal with them yourself for once.
Boy, what are you doing? So I went to bed knowing two things I have strange children and that Bow still didn't know if she was pregnant or not.
But I needed to know! How could I get her to pee on a stick without knowing? Lucky for me, all my best ideas come at 3:00 a.
m.
What's going on? Huh? Uh Shh! Shh! - Oh, you're having a nightmare.
- I am? Oh, poor thing.
You're covered in sweat.
I think I need a towel.
I think I need to turn on the A.
C.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Weird.
Huh? Look what I found under the bed.
Huh? And this was on the bathroom floor.
- Isn't that strange? - Ooh.
How did this happen? I don't This is it.
Time to man up and stop the lies.
Just wish I knew a man who would do that for me.
Rats.
Rats? Yeah, yeah.
How else would that get there? Definitely have a rat problem.
Remember the other day when you made that big plate of bacon and it disappeared before the kids came down? Oh.
Rats! I think you're right.
You do? - Yeah.
- Oh.
There's obviously a rat in the house.
It's a big, fat, pork-eating rat.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
So, I've laid out some plans for landing the Clinton initiatives literacy campaign.
It's a chance to do some real good in the world okay, hey.
Hey, guys, look.
Forget this.
My board! I'm gonna need 10 strategies to help me get out of this lie.
Here we go.
Honey, we're gonna need some coffee.
Only one option get a cover vasectomy.
- What?! - Tell Bow you're on a business trip and recuperate at my place.
I make a mean Turkey chili, brah.
I put fritos in it.
- Hard pass.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Chili offer goes out to everybody here.
I have four Xbox controllers.
T-three of them a-are still in the package.
Okay, look, any other suggestions? There are no bad ideas.
- Tell her the truth.
- Bad idea.
- Any other ideas that aren't dumb? - Come on.
Dre, there's only one way to play this.
- What's that? - Lie till you die.
Yep.
Double down.
Let's do it.
Great idea.
Everybody Hands in.
Death before honor.
Bros before hey! Calm down there, sweet cans.
- Hoo-hoo! - Yeah.
Beverly Hills.
Gloria Allred.
A-I-l Dre? Ow! Whew.
Hey, baby.
You don't have to worry about that rat.
Bought some traps today.
Uh, I got tested at work.
I'm pregnant.
What? Oh My God.
How did this happen? Um A miracle.
T-that's the only answer.
Okay, let's not question it.
We'll move on.
Sometimes you just got to roll with life.
Dre, I do not believe in miracles.
We need to sue the damn hospital.
Yes We do.
All right, shut 'em down, baby.
Shut 'em down! - Are you sure? - Yes! I mean, you know, they are the nation's number-one pediatric cancer center.
Did not know that.
Shut the whole thing down? Really? Well, uh Accountability, Bow.
Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do, right? - All right.
- Okay.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
- Siri! - Huh? Find me the best malpractice lawyer in Los Angeles.
Okay.
Hold up.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um You know, I think it's time that I finally take the high road.
Yes.
It is.
Which Is forgiveness.
All right, we forgive the hospital.
We can't have those poor little cancer kids out on the street.
Wow! What? Wow.
I was so angry.
Oh.
But you're so full of mercy.
Hm.
You're like you're like You're like Jesus.
I'm not like Jesus, Bow! I lied! I did not get the vasectomy, all right? They told me it would be 30 seconds of pain.
You know what? Okay.
I'll I'll get a vasectomy tomorrow.
I promise.
That's another lie, 'cause I'm not gonna get that done.
This is my balls, Bow.
My balls! The balls that you love.
Dre! I Know You Lied! What are you talking about? Pam told me yesterday.
- Pam - And you know what also, Dre? I'm not pregnant.
I stole it from a lady.
I Dre, we decided that we were done.
I'm a princess! Look! I'm a princess! - Sweetheart - Look! I'm a princess! - I'm a princess! - Mommy I don't feel good.
Oh! Snip it.
Copy that.
- We decided that we were finished.
- Uh-huh.
But I might still be in the baby-making game someday.
What day? What, are you just keeping your options open in case we split up? No! Bow, we are in it till death do us part.
So in case I die?! You think about me dying? No! Not a lot.
Oh, my God.
Bow, you eat really, really fast.
Remember last year when you choked on a grape? What? I would be devastated, of course, and in deep, deep mourning.
But I know you would want me to pick up and move on with someone who loved our kids.
Like That nice little burrito girl who gives them extra guacamole.
You want me to choke to death so that you can get with Chipotle girl? Okay, Bow, hear me out.
I didn't mean to say Ow! Yes, I stepped on my own rat trap.
Whaaa! As sophisticated viewers, I'm sure you appreciate the irony of this moment.
I can't feel my foot.
Uh, what happened? I'm dying.
He's fine.
This shoe is the only thing holding my foot in place.
Guys, we may be at the hospital late, so I'm gonna need you to put these two to bed.
Oh.
Fine.
I'll just finish raising these two for you.
Then I'll get started on that new baby you're having so that you guys are free to go off and drink piña coladas and step in rat traps.
Oh, my God.
There's no baby.
- What?! - What?! - No! - Yes! So we'll still be the babies? 'Cause we love being your babies.
Oh, you guys are always gonna be my babies.
Great.
You all are happy, but what about me? I was all excited about a new baby who would love me for who I am like precious.
- What? - Mm.
From the novel "Push" by Sapphire, not from the film "Lee Daniels' precious" - Oh.
- Oh.
Based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.
Never get those two hours back.
Me neither.
And don't get me started on Mo'nique.
How about Less'nique? - Huh.
- Preach.
Okay, guys.
I'm bleeding out over here.
- It's broken.
- It's not broken.
Unfortunately, it looks like you have four broken toes.
Yes! Every one of which you deserve.
This this is a strange dynamic.
Not for us.
You have no empathy, Bow.
What?! Just like you had no second thought about forcing me to get a vasectomy.
Which you didn't get! Oh! So now I'm a liar because I lied? You're impossible, Dre.
You know what it's moments like this that make me want to roll the tape on my own escape fantasy.
- Roll it.
- Yep.
Kids go off to college.
I run off to burning man.
Yeah, and I fall in love with a sexy egyptologist who tames wild horses and he reads me poetry, and he doesn't have to take forced naps because he eats too many hot dogs.
I eat the right amount of hot dogs.
Hey.
What are you doing up? - Can't sleep.
- Oh.
I was really excited about the new baby.
Ohhh.
That's so sweet! But there are other ways to get a new little sibling who idolizes me.
Like what? Like, you know how dad never changes the batteries in the smoke alarm? Yeah.
Well, what if one day, I come home and the whole house is on fire? I do everything I can to save you guys, but It's too late.
I get put in foster care, and even though it's hard sharing a room with five little brothers, I'm a star.
The kid with the leather jacket who risked his life to save his family Who all died.
So You were able to save your leather jacket, but we all died? - Yeah.
Pops, too.
- Oh.
Poor old guy fell asleep while smoking a cigar.
- Okay.
- Started the fire.
Okay.
Yeah.
Um that's very vivid.
Hear me out.
If you want everyone to think you're a hero, why not learn a magic trick, teach yourself to peel an orange in one piece? People love that, Junior.
You know, just double down on what you've got instead of putting all your hopes into a new baby or a tragic house fire.
- Thanks, mom.
- Yeah.
I'll sleep on it.
Wha okay.
You can sleep on it.
Just No one dies.
I'm gonna sleep on it.
Uh How come everybody in our family has some insane fantasy about how to get out? Junior hit you with that house-fire story, didn't he? Oh, my God.
- Vivid, right? - Yeah.
Wow.
But, honestly, Dre, we're not that much better.
Huh? Why didn't you talk to me? Because I was afraid that you would be mad that I wasn't locked into our plan you know, four kids, a vasectomy.
You know, everybody out of the house by the time we're 50.
It's a good plan.
Yeah.
See? See? You know exactly what you want our future to be.
- That's not true.
- I I always thought being a doctor was everything, and then I had kids.
And ? And a beautiful house.
That you bought together with ? An amazing realtor.
- Okay, I'll stop.
- Dre, you know, sometimes when I miss a recital or a soccer game, I think I'm really missing out on the kids.
And I think maybe it's time for me to just cool it with this hard-core doctor stuff and be part-time or teach so that I could spend more time with them.
- Really? - Yeah.
I never knew.
So you're gonna stop being a doctor? Hell no.
I love being a doctor.
But, Dre, come on.
Life is complicated.
Babe, we've got to tell each other things like that.
We got into this so young.
Ohh.
Of course things are gonna change.
I wish someone had told us that when we got married.
Ohh.
We could have used that advice way more than those towels.
Babe, we made a contract with each other.
And the only constant in that contract is us.
The kids aren't a part of that constant? - Oh, hell no.
- Oh.
You say the word, I'll get my sonicare and my speedos, and we'll be halfway to méjico.
Turns out life isn't routine.
If you're doing it right, it always surprises you.
And that's a surprise I don't hate.