Brothers & Sisters s01e18 Episode Script
Three Parties
Previously on Brothers and Sisters: You seem to have a lot to say.
- It's terrible.
- It's not terrible.
I have to go to this premiere.
We'll go together.
- Are you sure? - Let them think what they want.
He comes out of the closet for you, he's yours for life.
- He's not coming out for me.
- Keep telling yourself that.
My husband kept a daughter from me, and now you hang out with her? Did you think I wouldn't meet her? She's my sister, like it or not.
Ow! You pulled a hair out of my head to get my DNA? - I'm gonna kill you.
- I gotta go.
- Wait.
- I'm not part of this family.
I never will be.
I thought there was a connection and I thought you were with me.
I was I am.
It doesn't feel like it.
Today, I ask all of you to enlist in a mission that is bigger than any of us.
There's much at stake.
But I believe the courage of Americans can change this country and so I am honored to join you in this endeavor as a candidate for President of the United States.
As I look around at my crewmates and the veterans here today, I'm reminded that the best lessons I learned about being an American, I learned in a place far away from America, on an HH-60G Pave Hawk in the Gulf.
And when we came home, we had a simple saying.
"Every day is an extra.
" No, we didn't.
No.
Who put this in here? Because God knows I didn't.
Oh, I think we're gonna have to take about a 15.
You mean "take five".
No, I think this is going to require 15.
We weren't gonna mention the helicopter.
I can see where you got that impression considering that this centers around the heroism of your, uh, helicopter rescue.
It's grandstanding, it reduces me to a prop, and the writing is reminiscent of a high school essay.
Campaigning is grandstanding.
If you're a prop, you're heroic.
You're mad.
Don't take it out on the writer.
You have been cold and distant.
I'm three days away from the launch of my presidential campaign.
I am a little tense.
We have to have this conversation here? - We're whispering.
- In front of an open mic.
- Um don't take it out on the staff.
- Take what out? Our relationship or whatever it is since you decided you had to think about things.
I'm sorry, this war hero business is not a mantle that I wear well.
If you don't believe you should be president, nobody else will.
I do believe.
But because of a lifetime of service, not 20 minutes of alleged heroism.
Can we make this a little more modest? No, I'm sorry, but there's nothing modest about it.
You piloted a Pave Hawk into enemy territory under heavy fire.
You kept it in a landing zone and when the chopper went down, - you ushered five POW's into safety.
- I know, Kitty.
I was there.
Look, with this event, we're just trying to get everybody's attention.
And I'm telling you, I'm not comfortable with it.
- OK.
- Thank you.
"Something was different.
He'd changed.
He was over her.
And one day Candace would be over him.
But in the meantime, there was shopping to console her.
" No, no, no, no, no.
Juliet, this is laziness.
I don't know if you're writing chick-lit or a satire.
You want specificity.
Take Nora as an example.
This piece that she's working on, it's not tentative, it's not cautious.
It's smart and urbane.
It's funny.
Read that last paragraph so Juliet knows what I'm talking about.
- You want me to read it again? - Yeah, the last bit.
Oh.
OK.
Sure.
Um um um um, um "'My American husband' is what she sometimes called Brice, as though he were more of a citizen than she.
And if that were the case, then it meant that without him, she was a woman without a passport.
" "A woman without a passport.
" You see what Nora's doing? She's taking the experience of a privileged housewife from an upper class L.
A.
Suburb and she's using it to tell a very subversive story about identity.
It's good.
He's really a wonderful teacher.
And he has me writing every day.
He's just wonderful.
I really like him.
Yeah, I can tell.
- Do you know I read one of his books? - Yeah? Yeah, it was, uh, it was kind of sexy.
I mean, there was a lot of wife swapping in Marin County.
- A lot of wine and cheese.
- He's terribly sophisticated.
And he's charming and smart.
And he's sexy.
He's sexy.
Uh-huh.
So, are you, uh getting a little thing in there? - Yes, you are.
- No! Stop! Well, you know, he had you read your stuff twice.
Maybe he likes you too.
You know what? You should see if there's anything there.
- You ask him out.
- I'm not going to ask him out.
He's my teacher.
He's not your fifth grade chemistry teacher, honey.
You're an adult and this is a college extension course.
I mean, what is the worst that can happen? He says you don't float his boat.
Well, maybe in the context of literary discussion, I could credibly ask him for a cup of coffee.
Yeah.
Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
What, are you talking to me or are you texting? That cereal is older than this house.
Bite into it and you'll probably chip a tooth.
"LOL.
See you later.
" Ever think using a phone to type a message is like using a TV to listen to radio? What're you doing later, J? Wow.
What, are we up to nicknames already? I don't know, R.
What are you doing? A friend of Romy's is having a huge party in Venice.
- Who's Romy? - My best girlfriend.
She's dating Jon Lewis, who went to Marshall.
Anyways, he's supposedly got this really sweet house in Venice.
Do you know him? Yeah.
Yeah, I know Jon.
Great.
So then you can get us there.
Wait, us? Well, I'm assuming you like to go out and you know Jon.
Yeah, the guy's a total bottom feeder.
A bottom feeder that Romy says has a kick-ass beach house.
I'd rather go to a movie.
You wanna go to a movie instead? You cannot be that lame.
- You look like a hardcore partier.
- Kind of the problem.
Until recently my partying has been drug dependent.
So? Who cares? You're not freaked out? Not as if you're the only guy I know with addiction problems.
It's L.
A.
Throw a rock and you hit someone who's working the steps.
It's just, it's my first real party since rehab, that's all.
If your new half-sister wasn't enough for you to fall off the wagon, - I don't think anything else will.
- I'm used to being the bad influence.
There's a new black sheep in town, J.
Get used to it.
OK, we have to lose the "J" thing.
Like yesterday.
So, we're all set then.
Steve's polishing the tenth draft Twelfth, if you don't count the ten I didn't show him.
Set the itinerary for the stops following the announcement.
Kitty's overseeing the videography.
Well, that's the thing.
I don't think I'm the most qualified person.
It's quick pops of people from the Senator's hometown.
Testimonials, favorable stories.
It's a cakewalk.
That's why the videographers don't need me.
- Someone's got to ask the questions.
- Come on.
- I think we need somebody who's - Taller.
Well, I was going to say a "more high profile".
- A celebrity.
- We're Republicans.
Our one celebrity's busy running California.
Castroville? Isn't it a small disadvantage to be a presidential candidate from Castroville? At least it's not Elephant Butte, New Mexico.
I am Googling Castroville.
It's in Monterey.
Marilyn Monroe was crowned "Artichoke Queen" there.
What, did she lose a bet? No, it's the Artichoke Capital of the World.
I can't believe that Gary is making me do an entire weekend of hero-worshipping pieces on my mean boyfriend who I'm not supposed to be having a fight with because he's running for president.
Like that's some big deal or something.
- Did you get all that out? - Not even close.
Hey, I could go with you.
There are beaches, wineries.
You know, we could make a girls' weekend of it.
- Eat junk food, bash men.
- Sarah, I'm supposed to be working.
Oh.
There's a spa that does artichoke facials.
Kitty, I need this.
If I don't get away from Joe and the kids we're going to end up on the evening news.
- Sarah.
- Kitty, I'm a desperate woman.
- Don't make me beg.
- Oh, all right.
Just make the reservation and book me a Swedish massage and an artichoke facial.
OK.
Ciao.
Artichoke facial.
What are you doing? Come back to bed.
It's so early.
No.
I can't sleep.
Was I snoring or something? I don't want to go on like this.
- What? - This is the thing.
I was sitting here watching you sleep and you looked so happy.
I start thinking about the things people do together that we can't.
- What, like get a good night's sleep? - Like travel.
- Like being open.
- All right.
- So, what are you saying? - My manager.
I'm going to fire my manager.
I'm going to start changing everything, now, today.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You're going to fire Donald? Why would you do that? Because he keeps shoving me back into the closet.
And it's too late.
Wait a minute.
Since when did you know his name? - What? - How did you know his name was Donald? Chad, you've mentioned him a thousand times.
Look, can we let's just have some coffee, OK? And talk.
Please, please, don't fire him until after lunch, OK? I don't want this double life anymore, Kev.
- OK.
- I have to be who I'm going to be.
And whoever's in my life that won't accept that, I have to get rid of.
I got to go talk to him.
Today.
Now.
- All right.
Sure.
- We'll talk later, all right? OK.
Excuse me.
Have I missed your office hours? No, I'm like a doctor, Nora.
Always on call.
Um, because if you're finished here, I really don't want to hold you up.
I just wanted to tell you that, um you've been so encouraging.
Well, I love the work you're doing.
Is that what you came to tell me? All the way from Pasadena? No.
No, I was working in the library.
I like to get out of the house.
"Casa De Chaos.
" I call it that sometimes.
Do you have children? - Uh, two.
Killers.
- Two.
Killers.
Yes.
- You? - Five.
Murderers.
So is there? You have a mate then, probably.
- Uh, not so much anymore.
- Do you drink coffee? Theoretical coffee.
Orange juice or something with bubbles.
- It doesn't have to - Nora.
You're forgetting how to speak.
- Theoretical coffee? - It's Crafty.
Emily Craft.
I've known her since high school.
She gets me into these things.
If you were asking me would I like to grab a coffee with you, you see this pack? I'm preparing my picnic lunch.
If you like, you could join me on the grass.
- We could watch the kids.
Swap stories.
- Fine.
Come on, boy.
There's something odd about this.
- This what? - This town.
Was the giant man-made artichoke in town square your first clue? No, though that was odd.
Excuse me.
All the stores seem closed.
It's closed for the artichoke festival.
The whole town shuts down.
Did you say the whole town? Including spas? And wineries and spas? You were supposed to call and make an appointment.
They said walk-ins were available.
Why do I always have to book everything? Uh, here's the list of interview subjects.
The usual characters.
Social studies teacher, football coach, best friend.
Oh, my God.
Nick Higgins, Simon Jarvis, Alice Webb.
Who's that? Sounds like the Senator's first grade teacher.
- H.
S.
S.
H? - Yeah.
High school sweetheart.
I'll see you guys inside.
And I was married for 21 years until my wife passed about five years ago.
- I know how hard that is.
- It's the second year that's hard.
The second year is a little bit of hell.
And don't believe anyone who tells you that it isn't.
I think for me the hard part has come and gone and I'm still standing.
Do you - Do you see people? - Women? Yeah.
Not really.
I mean, the connections are few and far between.
I've turned out to be a man of, uh, really particular tastes in my old age.
I like being around the kids.
- What about you? - It has recently come to my attention that I can do whatever the hell I want on this sweet planet.
I can afford to travel, I can afford to stay home.
I don't scare easy, I'm not afraid of a fight, and I've learned some lessons.
I'd like to use them.
God, I should be taking class from you.
Um I have to throw a party for some professors.
Cocktails, tonight at my house.
Would you like to, uh be my date? Sure.
I'd love to.
- You lied to me.
- I'm sorry.
I should have told you that your manager and I talked.
You know, Chad, I was actually trying To what? You went behind my back.
The two of you were scheming behind my back! Chad, he called me.
What were you and Donald in cahoots for? What were you planning? Oh, wow.
"Planning"? This is so paranoid.
He cares about you.
This is so boring to me, you know that? My life is changing.
There are rumors about me and you think I'm boring? No! Anything but, actually.
However, this drama of peek-a-boo in and out of the closet, and the hysteria it inspires is starting to wear just a bit thin.
Because I'm freaked out about the implications of coming out - and what that might mean to my career.
- Oh, God.
You know, I hate that word.
"Career.
" It's modern day religion.
What about your life? You know what your problem is, Chad? You can't make a decision about what it is you want.
And this little panic of yours is just going to keep happening.
You're not coming out of any closet, OK? This faux crisis of yours is just going to keep going on.
You know what? I don't want to be a part of that anymore.
- What you're saying - What I'm saying is, some relationships need drama to survive.
I don't want that kind of relationship.
I don't want to be a part of some humiliating semi-'50's throwback affair, just because you're gorgeous.
- Life is too damn short.
- That's for sure.
It's great to know that the reason you're attracted to me is my looks.
You're an ass, Kevin.
You know that? I always knew how principled he was.
But when I saw on the TV how he rescued those men in that helicopter, - that's when I knew he was brave too.
- Was that strange? That your high school boyfriend was a hero? No, it was strange, but not surprising.
- Bobby was always remarkable.
- Bobby.
Yeah.
That's cute.
Maybe you could talk a little about your relationship.
I guess it was pretty normal.
It was a high school thing.
I wore his varsity jacket.
We went to dances.
Did you have any differences? Arguments, maybe? Fights? Big fights? - No.
Not that I can remember.
- Really? Huh.
I mean, it couldn't have all been roses and artichokes.
- We were pretty happy.
- Well, something had to have Well, yeah.
You were happy, but something had to have happened.
You're not together anymore.
It was a mutual decision.
We went to colleges on opposite coasts.
- We knew we were too young for - You stupid artichoke.
Oh, I am so sorry.
OK.
Uh We all know how guys are at that age.
They're immature and grabby.
Was he grabby? I bet he was.
- Don't you work for him? - Yeah.
But nobody is that perfect.
- Not even Mr.
McSainthood.
- What are you doing? What the hell are you doing? This is a puff piece.
You're picking fights with the sweetheart.
You know what we're gonna do? You're gonna give your crew the day off.
You and I are gonna find the nearest bar and close it down.
I'm sure it's already closed.
The festival.
Don't say that.
Not even as a joke.
Rebecca? Um I'm just waiting for Justin.
We're going to dinner and then there's a party.
- A mutual friend thing.
- They're just pictures, Rebecca.
It's not like I caught you rifling through my underwear drawer.
I was just looking at these, thinking, "but they look so normal.
" And I think we are pretty normal, given the circumstances.
Your son pulled a hair out of my head to run a DNA test, which is ironic because he doesn't know if your middle son's baby is his - or your youngest son's.
- Yes.
Well, when you put it that way, we do have our eccentricities.
It's cool, though.
I mean, it explains a lot, actually.
- Like what? - I don't know.
All the weirdness in my life.
All the drama.
Maybe it's genetic, right? Rebecca, drama is not the only thing you inherited.
No, I also have a trust worth a couple million dollars.
That's not what I meant.
You've also inherited a big family.
William's family.
Hmm.
- Is that all right? - That's fine.
Rebecca, didn't you ever ask about your father? My mother said that he was a film director.
And what did Holly your mother tell you? I mean, why did he leave? Um, she said that she never told him she was pregnant.
Oh.
I think that your husband knew.
He gave me a doll once.
And he was, you know, around.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
No.
It's OK.
I'd still like to know who my father was.
Of course you would.
Rebecca, he was a good father.
He was a good businessman.
He was very smart.
He could be very kind.
He also carried on a 20-year affair, embezzled from his own company and kept a child from me.
Now that's the whole truth.
- Mom, step away from the offspring.
- It's OK.
We're just talking.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You have lost your mind.
No, I know exactly where I left it.
We're here to praise McCallister, not to bury him.
- I thought we were on a girls' weekend.
- That was a million artichokes ago.
- We need another "ar-ti-rita".
- No.
You've had enough.
Come on, Sarah.
Just one.
One for the road.
No.
You can't keep up with me.
It'll only end in tears.
One more.
Only because I feel sorry for you.
- Don't drunk dial any U.
S.
Senators.
- Please.
- Hola.
Two ar-ti-ritas, please.
- Coming up.
I'll get those.
And they say chivalry is dead.
- Are you here for the festival? - No.
My sister over there "work".
- What about you guys? - We go to school here.
Don't tell me.
Artichoke Community College? No, there must be something in the water or the artichokes, because everybody in this town loves you.
Really? I guess my multimillion dollar donation check to the chamber of commerce cleared.
- And guess who I met? - Alice Webb.
- My high school girlfriend.
- And what kind of a name is Alice? What kind of name is Kitty? They still have artichoke ice cream? It's pretty good.
No, no, no.
Don't try to change the subject.
I got Alice and I tell you, man.
She gave me the dirt on you.
Boy, I could hardly shut her up.
- Are you still there? - Yeah.
Well, you got so quiet.
- Alice Webb's not a joke.
- Well, why? What happened with Alice? - Kitty, just let it go.
- Let what go? I have to work on this speech.
I'm going to call you later, OK? OK, guys.
Thanks for the invites! See you there! Guess who got invited to a kegger? - No way.
- Drink up, baby.
Uh-uh.
- Kevin Walker.
- Hey, Kevin.
This is Dan Silk from the Skinny Minnie.
Com.
I got your number from my attorney.
I don't have anything to say, you contemptible I thought you might have a quote on the subject of Chad Berry's bold coming out.
Excuse me? Funny, I thought you'd be the first to know.
He's written an open letter on his fan website.
Bad grammar, but pretty powerful stuff.
I've posted it on my site.
I think it's worth of some comment, don't you? Yeah.
Here's my comment.
Bite me.
- You're freaked out, aren't you? - It's just a party.
My mother said something to you.
You look freaked.
She didn't say anything.
You two should not be left alone together.
Look, we can get out of here if you want.
No, no.
This is exactly what I need.
Just get out, have some fun.
- See, so you are freaked.
- Walker! What's up, bro? - Hey, man.
- Hey.
Sweet ride.
- It's my sister.
- No más.
My bad.
- Sorry.
Jon.
- Rebecca.
It's good.
You guys want to hit the bathroom? I've got some party supplies.
- Sounds fun.
- You coming, bro? Uh, I'm good, man.
This is a sedate little faculty cocktail party.
Kitty wore that in high school.
This may be a cocktail party, but I don't know which blanket that little piggy's going to be under.
I don't even know what that means.
I mean, who knows if there even is going to be a party at all.
This professor's ruse of inviting you to a "professor's little party", that's code.
That is twenty-first century speech for "Please come.
We're the party, baby.
" - For God's sake.
- You got to be sexy.
You do.
You're not auditioning for a faculty tea wife here.
Damn! How do you survive without me? You know what? I promise you, when you get there, there going to be two guests, you and Professor Sexenberg.
Professor Sexenberg! Oh, my God.
Why do I even listen to you? - Hey.
- You know, this is my This is that nice Jil Sander dress.
You've seen me wear this.
I think that was maybe nice when Fawn Hall was around.
You know what that is? That is about six inches too short for today.
About six inches too long for a lay is what they - Hang on.
- Why are you? - Why? - Why am I doing this? - Yes.
- I'm doing this because you do not have one piece of clothing that talks about filthy, happy, hot, muddy, dirty sex.
Well, I Thank God.
When's the last time you wore this? I wore that to the Brillstein bar mitzvah.
- It fits, you know.
- All right, here we go.
- Wait! Wait! - Trust me.
It's not just me.
It's not just me.
It's a great big party with lots and lots and lots of people.
I'll get lost in the crowd.
It's not just me.
It's a huge big party.
- Yeah.
I'll be glad I'm here.
- Coming! Hey, Nora! Come in.
Wow! What an outfit.
There is no party, is there? Fine.
Well, you know the members of the Jack London Awards Committee - are going to love this vintage.
- Jack London Awards? Ladies and Gentleman, may I present Nora Walker, a very promising writer.
Is she going to dance for us? This has got to be it.
I don't want us to embarrass ourselves.
- Slurring.
- I'm not slurring.
I just want to act like a grown-up tonight.
- This is a good color on you.
- Come on, Slurring.
He says it's going to be raging.
- In here! In here! - Excuse me.
- Hey, what's up, man! - Hey, guys! How are you? Oh, my God.
Sesame Street is having a party.
- Hey! You made it.
- Hey! You.
- You go to school here, right? - Yeah.
North Monterey High.
Hey! Dude, I told you we could get those cougars to show up.
- Did he just call us cougars? - Yes, he did.
Drinks? Ladies.
God, you're wasted.
Let's get you home, get you coffee, put you to bed.
Don't start getting all big-brotherly.
- It's just gonna freak me out more.
- Come on.
Can we just call it a night? It's sweet of you to try to be all protective.
It's the Walker thing.
You all take care of each other, but I didn't have the all-American apple pie earnest mom and pop, 16 siblings.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Get off of me! - Everything cool here? Yeah, it's fine.
It's a little family spat.
Let's go.
I think she wants you to step off, bro.
- Why don't you step off, bro? - Or what? Come on.
Let's go.
Just go.
- I can't believe you did it.
- Yeah, well, I did.
I mean, you were right.
It was time.
Chad, it's a great thing.
I love the letter you wrote.
I thought it was brave and honest, but everything's happening so fast and you did everything alone.
I just thought about all the things you said to me.
Yeah, well, I wasn't right about everything.
I was pretty harsh.
Maybe that's what I needed.
I think it's what we needed.
Kevin, I didn't, uh I didn't come out of the closet for you, or us.
I came out for me.
I mean, you were right.
We're not in the same place right now.
I really appreciate all the pushing, but I think I need to go the rest of the distance in my own way.
At my own pace.
By myself.
- Wow.
- Look, I couldn't have gotten to where I am without you.
Chad, I am so sorry I was so rough with you.
Really, I am.
It's too late, isn't it? I'm going to go.
- Well, we could still have - No.
No.
We cannot.
Excuse me.
Is that a romper suit? I've never felt this old in my life.
What about the time when you You finish that sentence, you're dead to me.
There's got to be a number of a cab.
Hey, ladies.
Artichoke shot? - No! - Ouch! We are not going to start partying down with unaccompanied minors.
I mean, I don't want to end up on an after school special.
I liked those specials.
You remember those? Oh, God.
No.
No.
How many women our age did you invite to this party? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Oh, my God.
I'm dead.
- You and me both.
- Why? - It's my mom.
- It's Alice Webb.
Alice Webb is your mom? - Yeah.
I am so screwed.
- This is her house.
- What do we? - Go.
Leave.
Back door.
Come on! Ms.
Walker? - Uh yes? - Yes.
She is.
You should put ice on that eye.
I want the black eye for as long as possible to remind me not to be such a chivalrous ass.
I wish I was a chivalrous ass.
Instead of being just wholly an ass.
Don't go hard on yourself.
Maybe you just haven't found the right dude yet.
What if Chad was the right guy? What if I pushed him away? Mom? Uh how was your night with your pimp? Don't look at me, really.
And don't Not another comment from either one of you, got it? Got it.
I mean, clearly you've had a taxing night.
Which hotel bar you working out of? I listened to Emily Craft again.
God! She told me that I had to wear this.
That I have to compete with the 20-year-olds in my writing class.
Maybe you shouldn't listen to her.
She's a bad seed.
Justin? Oh, honey.
- What happened? Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Maybe you should concentrate on Kevin.
Chad dumped him.
Oh, Kev.
I'm so sorry.
You know what? I'm going to join a monastery.
One of those "vow of silence" places so I stay out of trouble.
You'd probably find a way.
Especially with all those monks batting their eyes at you.
Oh.
What a sorry bunch we are.
Look at us.
God.
What a family.
Yikes.
Who would like to have some scrambled eggs and toasted English muffins? Just to soothe over all of our bruises.
All right.
I'm so sorry.
It's just we were in a bar and your son He asked my sister It's a long story, but I'm really so glad that I, um, caught up with you because I realized that I have some follow-up questions.
Really? Well, where's your camera crew? I just have to find my tape recorder.
I'm getting a little tired of your obvious assumption that because I come from a town that worships artichokes, I must be an idiot.
I don't think you're an idiot.
Then please stop treating me like one.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's just I'm seeing Senator McCallister.
So you're a "full-service" staff member, is what you're saying.
I like to think of myself as his girlfriend.
Overly neurotic girlfriend, yes, but still Anyway, it's just I called him tonight and he just He got all weird when he heard your name.
And you were already thinking there was some bad history there.
Well, it's just that you worship the ground he walks on, and I just in my experience men are a lot more disappointing than that.
I got pregnant.
It wasn't his.
It would've had to have been an immaculate conception for it to have been his.
And he helped me.
Convinced me to have the child, put it up for adoption.
He drove me to my aunt's house in Colorado where I stayed for a while.
He was only 17 years old and he did that for a baby that wasn't his and a girlfriend who cheated on him.
Do I worship the ground Robert McCallister walks on, Ms.
Walker? Not nearly enough.
Juliet! What's the matter? No, please, Nora.
I just I really need to be alone.
Juliet, I love your story.
I think you're a terrific writer.
You just have to go on, undaunted by Mark's critiques.
I don't care about his critiques.
You think I'm upset because of what he thinks of my work? He just dumped me.
We've been sleeping together for a month and he just told me and now he just expects me to sit in his class.
It's so humiliating.
Yeah.
I bet.
"She heard the splash quietly, over every other sound in her life.
Over the children, over the sounds of presents being unwrapped.
She heard the splash from the pool and she knew that someone and something had died.
" I don't know, Nora.
It's, uh It's a little confused.
I mean, you're a writer.
We know that.
But as the voice of the author, it's very important to decide if you want to be credible.
A reliable narrator.
Somebody that the reader can trust or not.
You know, as a truth-teller.
A little bit like how we have to decide whether to believe you or not.
What? I mean, are you Mark August, the aging literary bad boy or Mark August the slightly long in the tooth enfant terrible of letters, or Mark August the nurturing academic or Mark August the disingenuous L.
A.
Casanovalpedophile? Why don't we go in the hall for a minute? Fine.
She really told him.
Oh, boy, you are really something.
I don't understand what I did wrong.
You are sleeping with poor little Juliet? - My God, she's 12 years old.
- Wait a second! - OK, wait! - What? Yes, we went out a couple of times, OK? And I'm not all that interested in hearing about the travails of growing up lonely in Malibu anymore.
- I never promised you anything.
- I don't want anything! I invited you to a dull faculty party, so I'm not sure what all the outrage is for, - except that I find it wildly sexy.
- Please, I - You find it sexy? - Yep.
Oh, no no no.
I'm not going there again.
What are you going to do about poor Juliet? Teach her to write a coherent sentence.
Oh, is that what they're calling it? - Which is between her and me, frankly.
- Uh-huh.
But you, on the other hand, are an entirely different story.
Look, you know you're smart and you're funny and I'm I sort of can't stop thinking about you, which is where we are here.
So do you have plans for dinner? Dinner? Are you nuts? Yeah.
How was your trip to Castroville? - Did you try the ar-ti-rita? - Oh, no.
No.
I didn't drink at all, actually.
Not even a drop.
But I did go there thinking that if I could find any dirt on you at all, - it'd be buried in your hometown.
- Bury dirt? How does that work exactly? Instead I found out that I'm really screwed up because I'm falling in love with a saint.
- You what? - Nothing.
No, I just said that you're this incredibly perfect saint-like saint.
Well, most saints are saint-like, Kitty.
You're what? I just said that I was falling in love with you.
During the rescue, when the helicopter I don't remember what really happened.
It was bad.
We were taking heavy fire, guys were getting hit.
I remember calling off the extraction.
But my co-pilot, he wanted to stay.
It was happening very fast and then we went down.
He was killed.
I blacked out.
Kitty, it's all a blur.
But the last thing I do remember was trying to get the hell out of there.
And then I just I let people believe what they wanted.
That I was a hero.
But I wasn't.
I'm not.
I'm not even close.
And, yeah.
Yeah.
I love you too.
It is my honor to present to you the future President of the United States, Senator Robert Alexander McCallister! Good luck, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow veterans.
Tonight I ask you all to enlist in a mission that is bigger than any of us.
I believe the courage of Americans can change this nation.
- It's terrible.
- It's not terrible.
I have to go to this premiere.
We'll go together.
- Are you sure? - Let them think what they want.
He comes out of the closet for you, he's yours for life.
- He's not coming out for me.
- Keep telling yourself that.
My husband kept a daughter from me, and now you hang out with her? Did you think I wouldn't meet her? She's my sister, like it or not.
Ow! You pulled a hair out of my head to get my DNA? - I'm gonna kill you.
- I gotta go.
- Wait.
- I'm not part of this family.
I never will be.
I thought there was a connection and I thought you were with me.
I was I am.
It doesn't feel like it.
Today, I ask all of you to enlist in a mission that is bigger than any of us.
There's much at stake.
But I believe the courage of Americans can change this country and so I am honored to join you in this endeavor as a candidate for President of the United States.
As I look around at my crewmates and the veterans here today, I'm reminded that the best lessons I learned about being an American, I learned in a place far away from America, on an HH-60G Pave Hawk in the Gulf.
And when we came home, we had a simple saying.
"Every day is an extra.
" No, we didn't.
No.
Who put this in here? Because God knows I didn't.
Oh, I think we're gonna have to take about a 15.
You mean "take five".
No, I think this is going to require 15.
We weren't gonna mention the helicopter.
I can see where you got that impression considering that this centers around the heroism of your, uh, helicopter rescue.
It's grandstanding, it reduces me to a prop, and the writing is reminiscent of a high school essay.
Campaigning is grandstanding.
If you're a prop, you're heroic.
You're mad.
Don't take it out on the writer.
You have been cold and distant.
I'm three days away from the launch of my presidential campaign.
I am a little tense.
We have to have this conversation here? - We're whispering.
- In front of an open mic.
- Um don't take it out on the staff.
- Take what out? Our relationship or whatever it is since you decided you had to think about things.
I'm sorry, this war hero business is not a mantle that I wear well.
If you don't believe you should be president, nobody else will.
I do believe.
But because of a lifetime of service, not 20 minutes of alleged heroism.
Can we make this a little more modest? No, I'm sorry, but there's nothing modest about it.
You piloted a Pave Hawk into enemy territory under heavy fire.
You kept it in a landing zone and when the chopper went down, - you ushered five POW's into safety.
- I know, Kitty.
I was there.
Look, with this event, we're just trying to get everybody's attention.
And I'm telling you, I'm not comfortable with it.
- OK.
- Thank you.
"Something was different.
He'd changed.
He was over her.
And one day Candace would be over him.
But in the meantime, there was shopping to console her.
" No, no, no, no, no.
Juliet, this is laziness.
I don't know if you're writing chick-lit or a satire.
You want specificity.
Take Nora as an example.
This piece that she's working on, it's not tentative, it's not cautious.
It's smart and urbane.
It's funny.
Read that last paragraph so Juliet knows what I'm talking about.
- You want me to read it again? - Yeah, the last bit.
Oh.
OK.
Sure.
Um um um um, um "'My American husband' is what she sometimes called Brice, as though he were more of a citizen than she.
And if that were the case, then it meant that without him, she was a woman without a passport.
" "A woman without a passport.
" You see what Nora's doing? She's taking the experience of a privileged housewife from an upper class L.
A.
Suburb and she's using it to tell a very subversive story about identity.
It's good.
He's really a wonderful teacher.
And he has me writing every day.
He's just wonderful.
I really like him.
Yeah, I can tell.
- Do you know I read one of his books? - Yeah? Yeah, it was, uh, it was kind of sexy.
I mean, there was a lot of wife swapping in Marin County.
- A lot of wine and cheese.
- He's terribly sophisticated.
And he's charming and smart.
And he's sexy.
He's sexy.
Uh-huh.
So, are you, uh getting a little thing in there? - Yes, you are.
- No! Stop! Well, you know, he had you read your stuff twice.
Maybe he likes you too.
You know what? You should see if there's anything there.
- You ask him out.
- I'm not going to ask him out.
He's my teacher.
He's not your fifth grade chemistry teacher, honey.
You're an adult and this is a college extension course.
I mean, what is the worst that can happen? He says you don't float his boat.
Well, maybe in the context of literary discussion, I could credibly ask him for a cup of coffee.
Yeah.
Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
What, are you talking to me or are you texting? That cereal is older than this house.
Bite into it and you'll probably chip a tooth.
"LOL.
See you later.
" Ever think using a phone to type a message is like using a TV to listen to radio? What're you doing later, J? Wow.
What, are we up to nicknames already? I don't know, R.
What are you doing? A friend of Romy's is having a huge party in Venice.
- Who's Romy? - My best girlfriend.
She's dating Jon Lewis, who went to Marshall.
Anyways, he's supposedly got this really sweet house in Venice.
Do you know him? Yeah.
Yeah, I know Jon.
Great.
So then you can get us there.
Wait, us? Well, I'm assuming you like to go out and you know Jon.
Yeah, the guy's a total bottom feeder.
A bottom feeder that Romy says has a kick-ass beach house.
I'd rather go to a movie.
You wanna go to a movie instead? You cannot be that lame.
- You look like a hardcore partier.
- Kind of the problem.
Until recently my partying has been drug dependent.
So? Who cares? You're not freaked out? Not as if you're the only guy I know with addiction problems.
It's L.
A.
Throw a rock and you hit someone who's working the steps.
It's just, it's my first real party since rehab, that's all.
If your new half-sister wasn't enough for you to fall off the wagon, - I don't think anything else will.
- I'm used to being the bad influence.
There's a new black sheep in town, J.
Get used to it.
OK, we have to lose the "J" thing.
Like yesterday.
So, we're all set then.
Steve's polishing the tenth draft Twelfth, if you don't count the ten I didn't show him.
Set the itinerary for the stops following the announcement.
Kitty's overseeing the videography.
Well, that's the thing.
I don't think I'm the most qualified person.
It's quick pops of people from the Senator's hometown.
Testimonials, favorable stories.
It's a cakewalk.
That's why the videographers don't need me.
- Someone's got to ask the questions.
- Come on.
- I think we need somebody who's - Taller.
Well, I was going to say a "more high profile".
- A celebrity.
- We're Republicans.
Our one celebrity's busy running California.
Castroville? Isn't it a small disadvantage to be a presidential candidate from Castroville? At least it's not Elephant Butte, New Mexico.
I am Googling Castroville.
It's in Monterey.
Marilyn Monroe was crowned "Artichoke Queen" there.
What, did she lose a bet? No, it's the Artichoke Capital of the World.
I can't believe that Gary is making me do an entire weekend of hero-worshipping pieces on my mean boyfriend who I'm not supposed to be having a fight with because he's running for president.
Like that's some big deal or something.
- Did you get all that out? - Not even close.
Hey, I could go with you.
There are beaches, wineries.
You know, we could make a girls' weekend of it.
- Eat junk food, bash men.
- Sarah, I'm supposed to be working.
Oh.
There's a spa that does artichoke facials.
Kitty, I need this.
If I don't get away from Joe and the kids we're going to end up on the evening news.
- Sarah.
- Kitty, I'm a desperate woman.
- Don't make me beg.
- Oh, all right.
Just make the reservation and book me a Swedish massage and an artichoke facial.
OK.
Ciao.
Artichoke facial.
What are you doing? Come back to bed.
It's so early.
No.
I can't sleep.
Was I snoring or something? I don't want to go on like this.
- What? - This is the thing.
I was sitting here watching you sleep and you looked so happy.
I start thinking about the things people do together that we can't.
- What, like get a good night's sleep? - Like travel.
- Like being open.
- All right.
- So, what are you saying? - My manager.
I'm going to fire my manager.
I'm going to start changing everything, now, today.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You're going to fire Donald? Why would you do that? Because he keeps shoving me back into the closet.
And it's too late.
Wait a minute.
Since when did you know his name? - What? - How did you know his name was Donald? Chad, you've mentioned him a thousand times.
Look, can we let's just have some coffee, OK? And talk.
Please, please, don't fire him until after lunch, OK? I don't want this double life anymore, Kev.
- OK.
- I have to be who I'm going to be.
And whoever's in my life that won't accept that, I have to get rid of.
I got to go talk to him.
Today.
Now.
- All right.
Sure.
- We'll talk later, all right? OK.
Excuse me.
Have I missed your office hours? No, I'm like a doctor, Nora.
Always on call.
Um, because if you're finished here, I really don't want to hold you up.
I just wanted to tell you that, um you've been so encouraging.
Well, I love the work you're doing.
Is that what you came to tell me? All the way from Pasadena? No.
No, I was working in the library.
I like to get out of the house.
"Casa De Chaos.
" I call it that sometimes.
Do you have children? - Uh, two.
Killers.
- Two.
Killers.
Yes.
- You? - Five.
Murderers.
So is there? You have a mate then, probably.
- Uh, not so much anymore.
- Do you drink coffee? Theoretical coffee.
Orange juice or something with bubbles.
- It doesn't have to - Nora.
You're forgetting how to speak.
- Theoretical coffee? - It's Crafty.
Emily Craft.
I've known her since high school.
She gets me into these things.
If you were asking me would I like to grab a coffee with you, you see this pack? I'm preparing my picnic lunch.
If you like, you could join me on the grass.
- We could watch the kids.
Swap stories.
- Fine.
Come on, boy.
There's something odd about this.
- This what? - This town.
Was the giant man-made artichoke in town square your first clue? No, though that was odd.
Excuse me.
All the stores seem closed.
It's closed for the artichoke festival.
The whole town shuts down.
Did you say the whole town? Including spas? And wineries and spas? You were supposed to call and make an appointment.
They said walk-ins were available.
Why do I always have to book everything? Uh, here's the list of interview subjects.
The usual characters.
Social studies teacher, football coach, best friend.
Oh, my God.
Nick Higgins, Simon Jarvis, Alice Webb.
Who's that? Sounds like the Senator's first grade teacher.
- H.
S.
S.
H? - Yeah.
High school sweetheart.
I'll see you guys inside.
And I was married for 21 years until my wife passed about five years ago.
- I know how hard that is.
- It's the second year that's hard.
The second year is a little bit of hell.
And don't believe anyone who tells you that it isn't.
I think for me the hard part has come and gone and I'm still standing.
Do you - Do you see people? - Women? Yeah.
Not really.
I mean, the connections are few and far between.
I've turned out to be a man of, uh, really particular tastes in my old age.
I like being around the kids.
- What about you? - It has recently come to my attention that I can do whatever the hell I want on this sweet planet.
I can afford to travel, I can afford to stay home.
I don't scare easy, I'm not afraid of a fight, and I've learned some lessons.
I'd like to use them.
God, I should be taking class from you.
Um I have to throw a party for some professors.
Cocktails, tonight at my house.
Would you like to, uh be my date? Sure.
I'd love to.
- You lied to me.
- I'm sorry.
I should have told you that your manager and I talked.
You know, Chad, I was actually trying To what? You went behind my back.
The two of you were scheming behind my back! Chad, he called me.
What were you and Donald in cahoots for? What were you planning? Oh, wow.
"Planning"? This is so paranoid.
He cares about you.
This is so boring to me, you know that? My life is changing.
There are rumors about me and you think I'm boring? No! Anything but, actually.
However, this drama of peek-a-boo in and out of the closet, and the hysteria it inspires is starting to wear just a bit thin.
Because I'm freaked out about the implications of coming out - and what that might mean to my career.
- Oh, God.
You know, I hate that word.
"Career.
" It's modern day religion.
What about your life? You know what your problem is, Chad? You can't make a decision about what it is you want.
And this little panic of yours is just going to keep happening.
You're not coming out of any closet, OK? This faux crisis of yours is just going to keep going on.
You know what? I don't want to be a part of that anymore.
- What you're saying - What I'm saying is, some relationships need drama to survive.
I don't want that kind of relationship.
I don't want to be a part of some humiliating semi-'50's throwback affair, just because you're gorgeous.
- Life is too damn short.
- That's for sure.
It's great to know that the reason you're attracted to me is my looks.
You're an ass, Kevin.
You know that? I always knew how principled he was.
But when I saw on the TV how he rescued those men in that helicopter, - that's when I knew he was brave too.
- Was that strange? That your high school boyfriend was a hero? No, it was strange, but not surprising.
- Bobby was always remarkable.
- Bobby.
Yeah.
That's cute.
Maybe you could talk a little about your relationship.
I guess it was pretty normal.
It was a high school thing.
I wore his varsity jacket.
We went to dances.
Did you have any differences? Arguments, maybe? Fights? Big fights? - No.
Not that I can remember.
- Really? Huh.
I mean, it couldn't have all been roses and artichokes.
- We were pretty happy.
- Well, something had to have Well, yeah.
You were happy, but something had to have happened.
You're not together anymore.
It was a mutual decision.
We went to colleges on opposite coasts.
- We knew we were too young for - You stupid artichoke.
Oh, I am so sorry.
OK.
Uh We all know how guys are at that age.
They're immature and grabby.
Was he grabby? I bet he was.
- Don't you work for him? - Yeah.
But nobody is that perfect.
- Not even Mr.
McSainthood.
- What are you doing? What the hell are you doing? This is a puff piece.
You're picking fights with the sweetheart.
You know what we're gonna do? You're gonna give your crew the day off.
You and I are gonna find the nearest bar and close it down.
I'm sure it's already closed.
The festival.
Don't say that.
Not even as a joke.
Rebecca? Um I'm just waiting for Justin.
We're going to dinner and then there's a party.
- A mutual friend thing.
- They're just pictures, Rebecca.
It's not like I caught you rifling through my underwear drawer.
I was just looking at these, thinking, "but they look so normal.
" And I think we are pretty normal, given the circumstances.
Your son pulled a hair out of my head to run a DNA test, which is ironic because he doesn't know if your middle son's baby is his - or your youngest son's.
- Yes.
Well, when you put it that way, we do have our eccentricities.
It's cool, though.
I mean, it explains a lot, actually.
- Like what? - I don't know.
All the weirdness in my life.
All the drama.
Maybe it's genetic, right? Rebecca, drama is not the only thing you inherited.
No, I also have a trust worth a couple million dollars.
That's not what I meant.
You've also inherited a big family.
William's family.
Hmm.
- Is that all right? - That's fine.
Rebecca, didn't you ever ask about your father? My mother said that he was a film director.
And what did Holly your mother tell you? I mean, why did he leave? Um, she said that she never told him she was pregnant.
Oh.
I think that your husband knew.
He gave me a doll once.
And he was, you know, around.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
No.
It's OK.
I'd still like to know who my father was.
Of course you would.
Rebecca, he was a good father.
He was a good businessman.
He was very smart.
He could be very kind.
He also carried on a 20-year affair, embezzled from his own company and kept a child from me.
Now that's the whole truth.
- Mom, step away from the offspring.
- It's OK.
We're just talking.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You have lost your mind.
No, I know exactly where I left it.
We're here to praise McCallister, not to bury him.
- I thought we were on a girls' weekend.
- That was a million artichokes ago.
- We need another "ar-ti-rita".
- No.
You've had enough.
Come on, Sarah.
Just one.
One for the road.
No.
You can't keep up with me.
It'll only end in tears.
One more.
Only because I feel sorry for you.
- Don't drunk dial any U.
S.
Senators.
- Please.
- Hola.
Two ar-ti-ritas, please.
- Coming up.
I'll get those.
And they say chivalry is dead.
- Are you here for the festival? - No.
My sister over there "work".
- What about you guys? - We go to school here.
Don't tell me.
Artichoke Community College? No, there must be something in the water or the artichokes, because everybody in this town loves you.
Really? I guess my multimillion dollar donation check to the chamber of commerce cleared.
- And guess who I met? - Alice Webb.
- My high school girlfriend.
- And what kind of a name is Alice? What kind of name is Kitty? They still have artichoke ice cream? It's pretty good.
No, no, no.
Don't try to change the subject.
I got Alice and I tell you, man.
She gave me the dirt on you.
Boy, I could hardly shut her up.
- Are you still there? - Yeah.
Well, you got so quiet.
- Alice Webb's not a joke.
- Well, why? What happened with Alice? - Kitty, just let it go.
- Let what go? I have to work on this speech.
I'm going to call you later, OK? OK, guys.
Thanks for the invites! See you there! Guess who got invited to a kegger? - No way.
- Drink up, baby.
Uh-uh.
- Kevin Walker.
- Hey, Kevin.
This is Dan Silk from the Skinny Minnie.
Com.
I got your number from my attorney.
I don't have anything to say, you contemptible I thought you might have a quote on the subject of Chad Berry's bold coming out.
Excuse me? Funny, I thought you'd be the first to know.
He's written an open letter on his fan website.
Bad grammar, but pretty powerful stuff.
I've posted it on my site.
I think it's worth of some comment, don't you? Yeah.
Here's my comment.
Bite me.
- You're freaked out, aren't you? - It's just a party.
My mother said something to you.
You look freaked.
She didn't say anything.
You two should not be left alone together.
Look, we can get out of here if you want.
No, no.
This is exactly what I need.
Just get out, have some fun.
- See, so you are freaked.
- Walker! What's up, bro? - Hey, man.
- Hey.
Sweet ride.
- It's my sister.
- No más.
My bad.
- Sorry.
Jon.
- Rebecca.
It's good.
You guys want to hit the bathroom? I've got some party supplies.
- Sounds fun.
- You coming, bro? Uh, I'm good, man.
This is a sedate little faculty cocktail party.
Kitty wore that in high school.
This may be a cocktail party, but I don't know which blanket that little piggy's going to be under.
I don't even know what that means.
I mean, who knows if there even is going to be a party at all.
This professor's ruse of inviting you to a "professor's little party", that's code.
That is twenty-first century speech for "Please come.
We're the party, baby.
" - For God's sake.
- You got to be sexy.
You do.
You're not auditioning for a faculty tea wife here.
Damn! How do you survive without me? You know what? I promise you, when you get there, there going to be two guests, you and Professor Sexenberg.
Professor Sexenberg! Oh, my God.
Why do I even listen to you? - Hey.
- You know, this is my This is that nice Jil Sander dress.
You've seen me wear this.
I think that was maybe nice when Fawn Hall was around.
You know what that is? That is about six inches too short for today.
About six inches too long for a lay is what they - Hang on.
- Why are you? - Why? - Why am I doing this? - Yes.
- I'm doing this because you do not have one piece of clothing that talks about filthy, happy, hot, muddy, dirty sex.
Well, I Thank God.
When's the last time you wore this? I wore that to the Brillstein bar mitzvah.
- It fits, you know.
- All right, here we go.
- Wait! Wait! - Trust me.
It's not just me.
It's not just me.
It's a great big party with lots and lots and lots of people.
I'll get lost in the crowd.
It's not just me.
It's a huge big party.
- Yeah.
I'll be glad I'm here.
- Coming! Hey, Nora! Come in.
Wow! What an outfit.
There is no party, is there? Fine.
Well, you know the members of the Jack London Awards Committee - are going to love this vintage.
- Jack London Awards? Ladies and Gentleman, may I present Nora Walker, a very promising writer.
Is she going to dance for us? This has got to be it.
I don't want us to embarrass ourselves.
- Slurring.
- I'm not slurring.
I just want to act like a grown-up tonight.
- This is a good color on you.
- Come on, Slurring.
He says it's going to be raging.
- In here! In here! - Excuse me.
- Hey, what's up, man! - Hey, guys! How are you? Oh, my God.
Sesame Street is having a party.
- Hey! You made it.
- Hey! You.
- You go to school here, right? - Yeah.
North Monterey High.
Hey! Dude, I told you we could get those cougars to show up.
- Did he just call us cougars? - Yes, he did.
Drinks? Ladies.
God, you're wasted.
Let's get you home, get you coffee, put you to bed.
Don't start getting all big-brotherly.
- It's just gonna freak me out more.
- Come on.
Can we just call it a night? It's sweet of you to try to be all protective.
It's the Walker thing.
You all take care of each other, but I didn't have the all-American apple pie earnest mom and pop, 16 siblings.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- No.
- Get off of me! - Everything cool here? Yeah, it's fine.
It's a little family spat.
Let's go.
I think she wants you to step off, bro.
- Why don't you step off, bro? - Or what? Come on.
Let's go.
Just go.
- I can't believe you did it.
- Yeah, well, I did.
I mean, you were right.
It was time.
Chad, it's a great thing.
I love the letter you wrote.
I thought it was brave and honest, but everything's happening so fast and you did everything alone.
I just thought about all the things you said to me.
Yeah, well, I wasn't right about everything.
I was pretty harsh.
Maybe that's what I needed.
I think it's what we needed.
Kevin, I didn't, uh I didn't come out of the closet for you, or us.
I came out for me.
I mean, you were right.
We're not in the same place right now.
I really appreciate all the pushing, but I think I need to go the rest of the distance in my own way.
At my own pace.
By myself.
- Wow.
- Look, I couldn't have gotten to where I am without you.
Chad, I am so sorry I was so rough with you.
Really, I am.
It's too late, isn't it? I'm going to go.
- Well, we could still have - No.
No.
We cannot.
Excuse me.
Is that a romper suit? I've never felt this old in my life.
What about the time when you You finish that sentence, you're dead to me.
There's got to be a number of a cab.
Hey, ladies.
Artichoke shot? - No! - Ouch! We are not going to start partying down with unaccompanied minors.
I mean, I don't want to end up on an after school special.
I liked those specials.
You remember those? Oh, God.
No.
No.
How many women our age did you invite to this party? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Oh, my God.
I'm dead.
- You and me both.
- Why? - It's my mom.
- It's Alice Webb.
Alice Webb is your mom? - Yeah.
I am so screwed.
- This is her house.
- What do we? - Go.
Leave.
Back door.
Come on! Ms.
Walker? - Uh yes? - Yes.
She is.
You should put ice on that eye.
I want the black eye for as long as possible to remind me not to be such a chivalrous ass.
I wish I was a chivalrous ass.
Instead of being just wholly an ass.
Don't go hard on yourself.
Maybe you just haven't found the right dude yet.
What if Chad was the right guy? What if I pushed him away? Mom? Uh how was your night with your pimp? Don't look at me, really.
And don't Not another comment from either one of you, got it? Got it.
I mean, clearly you've had a taxing night.
Which hotel bar you working out of? I listened to Emily Craft again.
God! She told me that I had to wear this.
That I have to compete with the 20-year-olds in my writing class.
Maybe you shouldn't listen to her.
She's a bad seed.
Justin? Oh, honey.
- What happened? Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Maybe you should concentrate on Kevin.
Chad dumped him.
Oh, Kev.
I'm so sorry.
You know what? I'm going to join a monastery.
One of those "vow of silence" places so I stay out of trouble.
You'd probably find a way.
Especially with all those monks batting their eyes at you.
Oh.
What a sorry bunch we are.
Look at us.
God.
What a family.
Yikes.
Who would like to have some scrambled eggs and toasted English muffins? Just to soothe over all of our bruises.
All right.
I'm so sorry.
It's just we were in a bar and your son He asked my sister It's a long story, but I'm really so glad that I, um, caught up with you because I realized that I have some follow-up questions.
Really? Well, where's your camera crew? I just have to find my tape recorder.
I'm getting a little tired of your obvious assumption that because I come from a town that worships artichokes, I must be an idiot.
I don't think you're an idiot.
Then please stop treating me like one.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
It's just I'm seeing Senator McCallister.
So you're a "full-service" staff member, is what you're saying.
I like to think of myself as his girlfriend.
Overly neurotic girlfriend, yes, but still Anyway, it's just I called him tonight and he just He got all weird when he heard your name.
And you were already thinking there was some bad history there.
Well, it's just that you worship the ground he walks on, and I just in my experience men are a lot more disappointing than that.
I got pregnant.
It wasn't his.
It would've had to have been an immaculate conception for it to have been his.
And he helped me.
Convinced me to have the child, put it up for adoption.
He drove me to my aunt's house in Colorado where I stayed for a while.
He was only 17 years old and he did that for a baby that wasn't his and a girlfriend who cheated on him.
Do I worship the ground Robert McCallister walks on, Ms.
Walker? Not nearly enough.
Juliet! What's the matter? No, please, Nora.
I just I really need to be alone.
Juliet, I love your story.
I think you're a terrific writer.
You just have to go on, undaunted by Mark's critiques.
I don't care about his critiques.
You think I'm upset because of what he thinks of my work? He just dumped me.
We've been sleeping together for a month and he just told me and now he just expects me to sit in his class.
It's so humiliating.
Yeah.
I bet.
"She heard the splash quietly, over every other sound in her life.
Over the children, over the sounds of presents being unwrapped.
She heard the splash from the pool and she knew that someone and something had died.
" I don't know, Nora.
It's, uh It's a little confused.
I mean, you're a writer.
We know that.
But as the voice of the author, it's very important to decide if you want to be credible.
A reliable narrator.
Somebody that the reader can trust or not.
You know, as a truth-teller.
A little bit like how we have to decide whether to believe you or not.
What? I mean, are you Mark August, the aging literary bad boy or Mark August the slightly long in the tooth enfant terrible of letters, or Mark August the nurturing academic or Mark August the disingenuous L.
A.
Casanovalpedophile? Why don't we go in the hall for a minute? Fine.
She really told him.
Oh, boy, you are really something.
I don't understand what I did wrong.
You are sleeping with poor little Juliet? - My God, she's 12 years old.
- Wait a second! - OK, wait! - What? Yes, we went out a couple of times, OK? And I'm not all that interested in hearing about the travails of growing up lonely in Malibu anymore.
- I never promised you anything.
- I don't want anything! I invited you to a dull faculty party, so I'm not sure what all the outrage is for, - except that I find it wildly sexy.
- Please, I - You find it sexy? - Yep.
Oh, no no no.
I'm not going there again.
What are you going to do about poor Juliet? Teach her to write a coherent sentence.
Oh, is that what they're calling it? - Which is between her and me, frankly.
- Uh-huh.
But you, on the other hand, are an entirely different story.
Look, you know you're smart and you're funny and I'm I sort of can't stop thinking about you, which is where we are here.
So do you have plans for dinner? Dinner? Are you nuts? Yeah.
How was your trip to Castroville? - Did you try the ar-ti-rita? - Oh, no.
No.
I didn't drink at all, actually.
Not even a drop.
But I did go there thinking that if I could find any dirt on you at all, - it'd be buried in your hometown.
- Bury dirt? How does that work exactly? Instead I found out that I'm really screwed up because I'm falling in love with a saint.
- You what? - Nothing.
No, I just said that you're this incredibly perfect saint-like saint.
Well, most saints are saint-like, Kitty.
You're what? I just said that I was falling in love with you.
During the rescue, when the helicopter I don't remember what really happened.
It was bad.
We were taking heavy fire, guys were getting hit.
I remember calling off the extraction.
But my co-pilot, he wanted to stay.
It was happening very fast and then we went down.
He was killed.
I blacked out.
Kitty, it's all a blur.
But the last thing I do remember was trying to get the hell out of there.
And then I just I let people believe what they wanted.
That I was a hero.
But I wasn't.
I'm not.
I'm not even close.
And, yeah.
Yeah.
I love you too.
It is my honor to present to you the future President of the United States, Senator Robert Alexander McCallister! Good luck, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow veterans.
Tonight I ask you all to enlist in a mission that is bigger than any of us.
I believe the courage of Americans can change this nation.