Dharma & Greg s01e18 Episode Script

Honey, there's still room for one more.
Dharma, I can't.
Last time was too weird.
But it's really efficient to do it in the shower.
It takes, like, halfthe time.
You always say that, and then it turns into a big production.
[ Raspberry.]
- [Pipes Clank.]
- Hey, what didyou do? Nothing.
I think the water cut out.
- Did you finish? - I did but he didn't.
So the only hotel that would take dogs would only take short-hairs.
So we thought about shaving Stinky, but so much ofhis identity is all wrapped up in his hair.
[ Chuckles .]
Really? How long before they get the water back on in your apartment? Come on, Mom.
It'll be, uh, fun.
That long? - So, uh, where are we bunkin'? - [ Chuckles .]
Well, you would be "bunkin"' in the guest house unfortunately, that's being renovated.
That's okay.
We'll stay in my own old room.
Oh, Gregory, it is a very small bed.
Oh, no prob.
It's a very new marriage.
As long as the bed doesn't squeak, we're fine.
Dharma, too much information.
No, that's- that's all right, Gregory.
All I heard was, "No prob.
La, la, la, la.
We'll be fine.
" I really appreciate this.
Because we would've stayed at my parents' house, but Nunzio's got a big crush on the goat and it's definitely not mutual 'cause the goat's a boy, but Nunzio doesn't know that.
So there's this whole M.
Butterfly thing going on in the backyard.
Don't ask.
"La, la, la, don't ask.
" - Greg.
- Yeah? Did you ever get any action in here? You mean with somebody? I'll take that as a "no.
" I don't know why.
I had an- an excellent move.
Oh, okay.
I'd love to see this excellent move.
- You thinkyou can handle it? - Oh, I'll take my chances.
All right.
First, I, uh, discreetly take out my retainer.
Why didn'tyou take it out before the girl got here? Dharma, a retainer doesn't work unless you wear it.
- Nerd.
- What? Then I'd put on a little mood music.
Take a quick shot of Binaca.
And that doesn't keep.
Then- [ Man Singing Ballad .]
- Oh, my God.
- What? [ Continues .]
It's just- Oh, come on! [Continues .]
[ Laughing .]
- This song's no good? - No! - [ Stops .]
- Fine.
Show meyour excellent move.
- Yes.
- Go ahead.
That's my move.
I said "yes.
" Oh, man, where were you when I was in high school? I was 1 0.
[Knocking On Door.]
Um, we're just studying.
[Kitty.]
I want the two ofiyou downstairs right now.
- Busted.
- [ Chuckles .]
I n a minute.
Now.
Dharma,your mother's here.
Oh, man, she called my mom.
[ Chuckling .]
I don't know why I'm so upset.
He's always been pigheaded.
It's all right.
You go ahead and have a good cry.
Mr.
Montgomery, maybe she would like a glass ofwater.
Oh, uh, all right.
Not from the sink.
From the bottle in the refrigerator.
And whileyou're in there, get me a Sprite.
- Abby, what's wrong? - Oh, Dharma.
It's your father.
Oh, great.
Where are they holding him? He's not in jail.
We had a fight.
Becauseyour father has the head ofa pig.
We were at the Price Club, and instead ofbuying two memberships I just told this littlewhite lie, and I said wewere married.
And evidently, that resulted in yourfather having a freak-out.
Mondo freak-out, I think.
- [Doorbell Rings .]
- Thankyou.
Mrs.
Montgomery, there is someone at the door.
Oh, is there? I'll go see who it is.
- So what happened? - Oh, well, Larry marches right back to the counter and he says that we were not married, and that I had perjured myself.
Oh, Abby, that's not perjury unless the Price Club swore you in.
I'll just shut up.
Here's the worthless dog that hurtyou.
I'm going to ignore that becauseyou're oppressed.
-Jane, what areyou doing here? - Larrywas looking for Abby atyour place.
I offered him a ride since I was coming over to do my laundry.
Why on earth would I letyou doyour laundry here? Kitty, look around.
I'm the least ofyour problems.
Kitty, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but, um would it be okaywith you ifwe had a little family meeting? [ Scoffs .]
You could have a new age expo, ifthat's what it takes.
Yes.
Edward and I will go find the laundry room.
Oh, no.
Kitty, you have to stay.
You're part ofthe family.
I could really use your support, Kitty.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Well, I am- I am here foryou.
Good.
Okay.
We start our family meetings with a big group hug.
Okay.
Mrs.
Montgomery, you smell very nice.
Thankyou, Celia.
Okay, Larry, we heard from Abby.
Now help us understand your reality.
I don't think I can hug that long.
All right.
Look, I can solve this problem right now.
Abby, ifit's so important toyou I'm willing to let the Price Club believewe're married.
Just another pair ofbrainwashed drones setting sail in the sea ofmindless conformity.
Oh, for criminy's sake, Larry, it's just the Price Club.
They sell toothpaste in bulk.
Oh, that's what a Price Club is.
[ Sobbing .]
Come on, Abby, what's this really about? Oh, your father is a big jerk.
Aw, come on, now.
That's a label.
Peel it back and tell me whatyou see.
A big jerkwith a sticky spot where the label used to be.
Here, I madeyou a drink.
No, alcohol will just suppress my feelings.
- And helpyou sleep.
- No, thankyou.
Oh, I try, but I just do not understand you people.
Abby, ifyou don't want to suppress your feelings then you should embrace them.
Okay.
Todaywhen I was at the Price Club and I was filling out the forms it felt good to write "Mr.
and Mrs.
" I liked it.
I don't know why.
I just liked it.
Maybe because it's normal.
Kitty, "normal" is a judging word.
No, "bizarre" is a judging word.
- Abby? - Yeah? Ifyou want to marry him, why don'tyou just ask him? Oh, come on, Dharma.
I can't ask him that.
Okay, well.
Well, maybeyou don't have to.
I mean, it is Larry.
I mean, you could always just buy a wedding dress and then tell him he asked you.
Dharma, how delightfully devious.
Well, thankyou.
I'm learning from the best.
I'm not gonna trick Larry into marrying me.
Abby, you have to talk to him.
- You owe it toyour partner to communicateyour needs.
- Quickly.
Otherwise he's just gonna spend every waking moment agonizing over this.
See these shoes? Eighteen dollars.
For both ofthem? Uh, fellas- Uh, fellas, Larry doyou thinkyou should be focused on this fightyou're having? - With Abby.
- Oh, right, right.
Maybe I should apologize.
- I think that would be a very good idea.
- I don't.
Until you hear the words "you owe me an apology," you're whistling in the dark.
Well, we're back.
All right, everybody.
Abby has somethin' she wants to communicate to Larry and we're all gonna give her a lot ofsupport.
- Edward, what areyou doing? - Oh, uh, we're not hugging this time? Honey, I-I think, uh, Larry ought to go first.
Okay, but, sweetie, Abby's really been thinking about what she wants to say.
Larry's good and focused now.
Larry? - What? - Abby, you first.
Larry, I've given it a lot of thought and I've come to the decision that after 28 years, I'd like a commitment.
A commitment? You mean like marriage? - Is that so awful? - No, no, it's just so sudden.
Okay, forget it.
- Abby, that's a little passive-aggressive.
- Oh, hush.
Oh, that's better.
I thought we didn't need a piece of paper.
We weren't going to be a couple ofbrainwashed drones marching in Big Brother's love parade.
I thought the brainwashed drones went on a cruise.
Okay, Larry.
I'm sure that ifwe understood whatyou were talking about, we would agree with you.
But for now, just talk aboutyour feelings.
Okay.
Abby, all I want is for us to be in love and still have our freedom.
After 28 years, you still wantyour freedom? Okay.
Okay, buddy.
You got it.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Can I crash with you guys tonight? We're crashing here.
We are? Okay.
Wait, wait.
Whoa.
Hey.
You okay about all this? Yeah, I'm fine.
We can, uh,just go to sleep ifyou want.
No.
No, honey, you've been waiting a long time to break in this bed.
- Pop out that retainer, you're about to get lucky.
- Really? - Let me just call Abby and make sure she got home okay.
- Okay.
Hey, Abby, howyou doin'? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You want me to hang up? Okay, okay.
Here's what we're gonna do, okay? Okay, neither one of us are gonna hang up.
Okay.
We'll just keep the line open all night.
And then ifyou need anything you just call out and I'll be right here.
Okay? Yeah.
Okay, good.
Exactly.
Okay.
Good night.
[ Kisses .]
- Here we go.
- Dharma, I-I- I can't do this with your mother listening.
[AbbyOn Phone .]
I'm not listening.
Well, this is a delightful situation.
You're the one that let Finkelstein stay in my room.
Edward, what was I supposed to do, let him spend the night drooling on my Duncan Phyfe sofa? You know, maybe it's time we tell people we're separated and I've moved out ofthe house.
Edward, we agreed to wait until after the spring social season.
We've just accepted too many invitations.
Besides, we don't want to traumatize Gregory, do we? Oh, the wayyou coddled that boy, I'm surprised he didn't grow up funny.
Yes, well, there but for the grace ofyour machismo, Edward.
Good night.
Oh, Lord.
You know, uh, now that we're spending the night together how about a little "Auld Lang Syne"? Oh.
Keepyour "Auld Lang Syne" away from me.
[ Crowd Cheering .]
I miss Johnny Carson.
- Hey, does this smell bad toyou? - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Dharma? Dharma, your father is- Oh, no, no.
No, no, he's never been able to wear pajamas.
He sweats like a wrestler.
Yes, well, "La, la, la, wrestler.
" Abby, there is a larger issue here.
The two ofyou belong together not one ofyou here, and one ofyou traipsing about my kitchen.
I'm sorry, Kitty.
He must be driving you nuts.
Oh, please don't say "nuts.
" Abby, I-I- I know that, um, that the two ofyou don't have what one would consider a traditional relationship.
However, you still have a relationship that has lasted 28 years.
Twenty-nine ifyou count from when he started watching me with binoculars.
Ah, that's it.
That's it.
Think back to when the romance began.
Yes, yes, and we'll call him.
We will call him right now.
No, no, no.
I insist.
I know it's the right thing to do.
Oh, my God.
What's going on on the other end ofthis phone? Oh, Lord.
I'm telling you, Dharma, I heard my mother's voice.
I don't know, Kitty.
Maybe I'll call him in a couple of days.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Listen to me.
You've just had a fight.
Yeah, well, I'm tired offighting.
Oh, but fighting is good.
At least you still have the passion to fight.
Oh, when you lose that, what doyou have? You're just making empty dinner conversation silently fantasizing about the thickly muscled Guatemalan busboy.
Kitty, areyou and Edward all right? Never better.
Never better.
Every day a second honeymoon.
Please don't give up, it's not a good thing to do.
Well, there is nothing like make-up sex.
- Pardon me? - You know.
Sex afteryou fight.
Oh, yes.
Yes, indeed.
Oh, it's hot, hot, hot.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doin' up? I can't sleep.
How about you? Well, Greg's hearing voices, so I thought I'd make him some French toast.
That's whatyour mother always does when I hear 'em.
I know.
So, uh doyou think I should marryyour mother? Larry, I can't tell you what to do with your life.
Yeah, you're right.
I understand.
Oh, come on.
Give me a hint.
All you need to do is followyour heart.
That's not a hint.
That's a greeting card.
Okay.
There were times when I was growing up when I wished you guys were married.
Like that time in ballet class when all the kids called me the "graceful little bastard.
" That wasn't the name ofthe ballet? - Swan Lake.
- Ah.
But then there were times when I was really proud ofyou guys for doin' your own thing.
- Okay.
I'll figure it out.
- I knowyou will.
- Which way doyou think I'll go? - Larry.
- Hey, Kitty saw me naked! - [ Laughing .]
Me too! - Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, Greg, about those voices in your head.
Don't answer them.
That's what theywant.
Oh, you're all up.
- Abby.
- Larry, Abby has something that she wants to say toyou and then everyone can go home.
No, no, this time, let me go first.
Abby I know it hasn't always been easy living with a passionate revolutionary a lone wolftilting at the windmills ofAmerica, Inc.
, a man who- - Larry, focus.
- Right.
- Oh, my God! - Larry, robe.
Oops, sorry.
Abby O'Neil, would you please- - What smells so good? - Larry's proposing.
Really? It smells like French toast.
Keep going, Lar.
Abby O'Neil you've been my friend and lover for 28 years.
Now wouldyouplease be mywifie? Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes.
She said yes.
I heard her.
- Yes.
- [Dharma Shouting.]
My parents are gonna be married! Isn't that great? It's wonderful.
So when's the big day? Uh, ooh.
Well, I don't think I want to, like, rush into anything, doyou, Lar? No.
I wouldn't mind being engaged for a while.
Yeah, we'll give it a fewyears, and see how it goes.
Come on, let's go home.
- Thanks for the robe, big guy.
- [ Yelps .]
Oh, God! [ Ballad .]
[ Continues .]
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It's 4 to 6 fioot!