Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e18 Episode Script
I Never Sold Shower Heads for My Father
They are, too.
No, they aren't.
What's this all about? Don't ask.
You don't want to know.
Hey, why not let your mom settle this? Vinnie.
Settle what? Mrs.
h, are pantyhose reversible? Um No.
Ha.
Told you.
It's good to see you boys having a meaningful intellectual debate.
An inquiring mind wants to know.
This is good, but it needs more oregano.
Vincent, I'm cleaning my jewelry in there.
Katherine, I love our new bathroom.
I never thought I'd see the day of the silent flush.
The porcelain palace is complete? Only the crowning touch remains.
Your father's bringing one of his famous shower heads.
Is something wrong, Vincent? My father's stupid shower heads.
He wants me at the warehouse every free minute and in the business right after graduation.
Didn't you want to be a filmmaker? Tell me about it.
The muses are calling me.
You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
Ah, Mr.
delpino.
Happy showering, Dr.
h, the delpino x-9000.
You'll get many hours of spraying pleasure, too.
By the way, have I ever told you? You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
How's business? Just like the funeral business.
People got to die.
People got to bathe.
Those that don't believe that, you don't want to know.
Right.
The delpino x-9000.
It emits the perfect stream.
Not too soft, not too hard.
I don't have to list the danger of hard sprays.
You've probably seen personal injuries of that Echelon.
No, I can't say I have.
I'm looking at you and seeing a conservationist.
This turbo saver head has a 2 1/2 gallon per minute water flow.
It'll pay for itself in hot water savings in the first year.
Sounds exciting And frugal.
Here's a fingertip control that offers a full pulsating rotary Are you all right? Mmm, yeah.
When was the last time you saw a physician? I'm going to Dr.
Melbourne.
He's giving me some pills.
It's nothing, really.
I'll be o.
K.
Whoo! Anyway, this baby has a 10-speed shower massage.
My personal favorite is number 6.
Do you and the Mrs.
Like to cleanse together? Uh, well I recommend it.
Very therapeutic.
I've received some favorable mail to that effect.
Believe me, if everybody had one of these, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.
What am I going to do, doog? I mean, I want to go to college.
I want to be a filmmaker.
That's enough, Mr.
Hollywood.
Look at this script for our commercial.
Tell me what you think.
I don't know.
Hey, if you're going to take up the Baton, then be part of everything.
You know I want to go to college.
Forget that.
Why can't you be like doogie? He has the respect to enter his father's business.
Actually, it's not exactly my father's business.
You're a doctor.
So's he.
That's good enough for me.
Come on, Vincent.
We got to rehearse this thing.
Dad, I don't want to.
You're going to do this, Vincent.
You can't make me.
Vincent I I'm through knocking heads with you about this! You're going into the business.
You're going to love it.
I won't.
You're going to love it and like it.
No way! Vincent! This isn't the old country where a blacksmith's the son of a blacksmith.
You'd think that Mr.
delpino would be proud that he has enough money to send his son to college.
Some families are more steeped in tradition.
If you ask me, the delpinos are way too steeped.
I think in this case there's more to it than just family tradition.
Like what? I called frank Melbourne.
He's carmine delpino's cardiologist.
It seems that carmine has a significant coronary insufficiency.
Whoa.
Angina.
He's had an angiogram which shows multiple vessel stenosis, and Melbourne is recommending bypass surgery.
Well, that explains a lot of things.
Hmm.
I wonder why Vinnie didn't tell me.
He probably doesn't know.
I don't think anybody in the family knows.
Dad, you got to talk to Mr.
delpino.
Uh, carmine delpino.
Through that door.
Thank you.
Bring that over here, will you, art? Hi, Dr.
h.
I just buy it for the articles.
Why are you here? I hope there's no problem with the delpino x-9000.
No, it's just fine.
Perfect.
It's a great piece of hardware.
How's the missus like it? Fine.
Actually, Mr.
delpino, I've come here as a friend and a neighbor.
It's probably none of my business I'm not your doctor But you have a serious heart problem that needs attention.
You been talking to Melbourne.
You're a walking time bomb.
You need surgery right away.
You guys, all the time, cut, cut, cut! If you don't have bypass surgery, you could die.
I could die on the operating table just as easy.
Then who will run this place? I'm not having surgery until my son learns this business.
Vinnie's 16 years old, a junior in high school.
Come here a minute.
Take a look at this place.
My dad died at 53.
I took over his business and turned it into this.
I never finished high school.
Times have changed.
Kids don't automatically follow in their father's footsteps.
Kids do what fathers say.
You made your boy a doctor.
I didn't force him.
Let me ask you something, David.
Can I call you David? Dave, what do you net? I'm talking take-home in your back pocket.
Well, I don't Maybe you're too embarrassed to say it out loud.
I ain't.
I'm proud of it.
year after taxes.
Is this the American dream? The dream's doing better than our fathers did so our sons can do better than us.
Absolutely! Exactly what I'm teaching the little snot, but instead, he wants to become some twinkletoes filmmaker.
Listen, carmine, I've got to go.
Let's get your butt into eastman medical so that we can have this same argument for the next 20 years.
I'll think about it, Dave.
Don't think too long.
Here! Take this new extension hose for the delpino x-9000.
Free of charge.
It's for those hard-to-reach spots.
Action.
Hello, I'm carmine delpino for delpino shower heads, the finest name in quality sprayware.
There's one creature god put on this earth who enjoys and savors a shower more than any other.
And that creature is The duck! These are the best shower heads in the business The corona 850 and the delpino x-9000.
Let's see which passes the duck test.
First, the corona.
A negative feathery statement if ever I saw one.
Now let's try the delpino x-9000.
Just like a gentle spring rain.
You can't see it at home, but this little guy is actually smiling.
So go to your favorite bathroom fixture store and tell the dealer you want to purchase the delpino x-9000.
And like the duck here says, just put it on my bill.
And Cut.
That's a take.
That was great, Mr.
delpino.
The one with us will be even better.
Dad, I can't do this.
You said you'd do it, and you will.
My heart isn't in it.
You hear this? He's killing me.
I'm ordering you.
Learn those lines now.
Mr.
delpino, take it easy.
I'm not doing this stupid commercial.
It stinks.
I could do better than this.
Come on, Vinnie.
Don't you give me any lip.
I've been making these commercials for years.
You heard me, pick up that script.
I'm warning Dad? Dad? Are you all right? Dad! Stay calm.
Stay calm.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
, don't talk.
I'm going to undo your shirt.
Take deep, slow breaths.
You need help? Get the paramedics.
Hurry.
Jerry, call security.
You're going to be o.
K.
Why didn't he tell me about this? You think I'd be yellin' at him? God, I can't believe i almost killed my pop.
Vinnie, you didn't.
He knew he had a problem and he didn't take care of it.
Doog, you give it to me straight.
Is he gonna die? Well, the mortality rate's very low.
If there are no complications, they should have him up on his feet in 24 hours.
But there could be complications.
Well, sure, I'm not gonna tell you it's risk free.
What if he dies? He won't.
I just can't stand the idea of him going under the knife thinkin' his only son hates him.
He doesn't think that.
You heard him, doog.
He said I'm killin' him.
Look, your dad will probably sail through this bypass.
For both your sakes, why don't you go and talk to him before the operation? You know, make your peace with him.
Yeah, you're right.
This is good advice.
So you really think it's not that big a deal? It's big, but it's not that big.
So what are they actually gonna do? Well, they take kinda like a saw, and they cut right through the sternum, that's the breastbone, and then they spread apart the ribs exposing the heart Pop? Pop, you in here? All right.
It's good you're in there and I'm out here.
I want you to listen to me without interrupting, so stay in there until I say what I got to say.
Uh I know you've never understood me, and I know we've got a tough time communicating and we face off a lot about, well, just about everything.
I also know you never loved me as much as you love my sister.
I'll never live up to her, but I need you to pull through this.
Nothing I do will mean a thing unless you're there with me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, bottom line, dad If you really want me in the business, then that's it.
I'm in the business.
I love you, pop.
You're a fine boy.
Everyone should have a son like you.
Where's my father? Downstairs having some tests.
Oh.
Ma, pop's a hang-tough guy, a survivor.
He's going to be o.
K.
I know.
It's just he's never had a sick day in his life.
How you doing, Vinnie? O.
K.
What's happening with my dad? It's been three hours.
I've seen lots of these operations.
It shouldn't be more than another hour or so.
Is this handsome, young, single man a doctor? Ma, this is Dr.
Jack mcguire.
He's a friend of doogie's.
My daughter.
Flying back this afternoon from New Jersey.
She's Very nice.
And cooks.
I taught her everything I know.
Oy, ma.
I want you to sample a centuries-old recipe, passed on from mother to daughter.
Hmm.
Here.
Eat.
Don't be ashamed.
I i will.
Thanks, Mrs.
delpino.
Nice boy.
Tall, too.
Could use a haircut.
Hi, I checked in.
It looks like everything's going smoothly.
No problems.
No surprises.
He should be in intensive care in about 20 minutes.
Doogie, thank you.
Your father must be very proud of you.
Talk some sense into this boy.
Ma I'll be right back.
I'm going to go call your grandmother.
How are you holding up? O.
K.
Not really.
I'm worried about him, doog.
No delpino man has lived past 60.
None of them had the benefit of a surgery like this.
He'll have a good chance of living a long time.
Cool.
I don't want it to be like before, the arguing and all.
It doesn't have to be.
Yeah.
All I got to do is take over the business.
Hi, I'm Vincent delpino, speaking for delpino shower heads, the finest name in sprayware.
My father, carmine delpino, has served this community for years.
We have the widest nozzle selection in Southern California.
The delpino name means quality.
I'm so moved by this.
This is beautiful.
Hey, I know what you're sayin'.
He's the son of the owner, he has to believe in delpino show heads.
Well, let's see what you, the public, think about delpino shower heads.
When Martha and I got divorced, she got the kids, the house, everything.
But I got the delpino.
I have a delpino in all 14 of my bathrooms.
Even the bathroom in the limousine.
Man: Ow! You lousy When I'm throwin' bad, the manager comes out to the mound, pats my butt and says, "kid, hit the delpino.
" You know, I've never taken a shower, but if I did, I'd use a delpino.
See? You don't have to be a delpino to appreciate one.
Delpino shower heads, the finest name in sprayware.
Not as good as my ducks, but a close second.
I'm very touched.
Good.
You, uh You feeling all right? Yeah.
Fine.
I was pretty scared.
Me, too.
When I was lying on the floor on my back, I was afraid to close my eyes because I wasn't sure they would open again.
I'm glad they stayed open.
And when I looked up and saw you, while I was trying to catch my breath, there you were, 16 years old.
And I said, "hey, it wasn't that long ago when I was you.
" I couldn't believe it.
Suddenly, I'm 51, and this is it? You're the toughest guy I know.
You'll live to see at least.
I didn't think i was so tough when it was hurting.
"Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
" Friedrich Nietzsche.
Who is Fred Nietzsche? Just a guy.
I learned about him in school.
School, huh? Yeah.
School.
You got to go to school to learn this filmmaking stuff? Uh-huh.
Filmmaking.
Filmmaking.
Your first film better net more than my shower heads, little mister.
You mean I can? Yeah, who needs you anyway, now that I've got new off-ramps for my heart? Thanks, dad.
Vincent.
I'm Dr.
canfield, Mr.
delpino.
You're the guy that runs this place? Yes.
You insisted on seeing me? It's your showers.
They stink.
I beg your pardon? The heads are 1973 single-spray nozzles.
Step into the nineties.
Choose one, and I'll outfit the entire joint.
Since you took such good care of my ticker, you can have them at wholesale.
Everybody has to leave.
Time for your sponge bath, Mr.
delpino.
Call me carmine.
Dad, you're a very lucky man.
No, they aren't.
What's this all about? Don't ask.
You don't want to know.
Hey, why not let your mom settle this? Vinnie.
Settle what? Mrs.
h, are pantyhose reversible? Um No.
Ha.
Told you.
It's good to see you boys having a meaningful intellectual debate.
An inquiring mind wants to know.
This is good, but it needs more oregano.
Vincent, I'm cleaning my jewelry in there.
Katherine, I love our new bathroom.
I never thought I'd see the day of the silent flush.
The porcelain palace is complete? Only the crowning touch remains.
Your father's bringing one of his famous shower heads.
Is something wrong, Vincent? My father's stupid shower heads.
He wants me at the warehouse every free minute and in the business right after graduation.
Didn't you want to be a filmmaker? Tell me about it.
The muses are calling me.
You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
Ah, Mr.
delpino.
Happy showering, Dr.
h, the delpino x-9000.
You'll get many hours of spraying pleasure, too.
By the way, have I ever told you? You're a very beautiful woman, Mrs.
howser.
How's business? Just like the funeral business.
People got to die.
People got to bathe.
Those that don't believe that, you don't want to know.
Right.
The delpino x-9000.
It emits the perfect stream.
Not too soft, not too hard.
I don't have to list the danger of hard sprays.
You've probably seen personal injuries of that Echelon.
No, I can't say I have.
I'm looking at you and seeing a conservationist.
This turbo saver head has a 2 1/2 gallon per minute water flow.
It'll pay for itself in hot water savings in the first year.
Sounds exciting And frugal.
Here's a fingertip control that offers a full pulsating rotary Are you all right? Mmm, yeah.
When was the last time you saw a physician? I'm going to Dr.
Melbourne.
He's giving me some pills.
It's nothing, really.
I'll be o.
K.
Whoo! Anyway, this baby has a 10-speed shower massage.
My personal favorite is number 6.
Do you and the Mrs.
Like to cleanse together? Uh, well I recommend it.
Very therapeutic.
I've received some favorable mail to that effect.
Believe me, if everybody had one of these, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.
What am I going to do, doog? I mean, I want to go to college.
I want to be a filmmaker.
That's enough, Mr.
Hollywood.
Look at this script for our commercial.
Tell me what you think.
I don't know.
Hey, if you're going to take up the Baton, then be part of everything.
You know I want to go to college.
Forget that.
Why can't you be like doogie? He has the respect to enter his father's business.
Actually, it's not exactly my father's business.
You're a doctor.
So's he.
That's good enough for me.
Come on, Vincent.
We got to rehearse this thing.
Dad, I don't want to.
You're going to do this, Vincent.
You can't make me.
Vincent I I'm through knocking heads with you about this! You're going into the business.
You're going to love it.
I won't.
You're going to love it and like it.
No way! Vincent! This isn't the old country where a blacksmith's the son of a blacksmith.
You'd think that Mr.
delpino would be proud that he has enough money to send his son to college.
Some families are more steeped in tradition.
If you ask me, the delpinos are way too steeped.
I think in this case there's more to it than just family tradition.
Like what? I called frank Melbourne.
He's carmine delpino's cardiologist.
It seems that carmine has a significant coronary insufficiency.
Whoa.
Angina.
He's had an angiogram which shows multiple vessel stenosis, and Melbourne is recommending bypass surgery.
Well, that explains a lot of things.
Hmm.
I wonder why Vinnie didn't tell me.
He probably doesn't know.
I don't think anybody in the family knows.
Dad, you got to talk to Mr.
delpino.
Uh, carmine delpino.
Through that door.
Thank you.
Bring that over here, will you, art? Hi, Dr.
h.
I just buy it for the articles.
Why are you here? I hope there's no problem with the delpino x-9000.
No, it's just fine.
Perfect.
It's a great piece of hardware.
How's the missus like it? Fine.
Actually, Mr.
delpino, I've come here as a friend and a neighbor.
It's probably none of my business I'm not your doctor But you have a serious heart problem that needs attention.
You been talking to Melbourne.
You're a walking time bomb.
You need surgery right away.
You guys, all the time, cut, cut, cut! If you don't have bypass surgery, you could die.
I could die on the operating table just as easy.
Then who will run this place? I'm not having surgery until my son learns this business.
Vinnie's 16 years old, a junior in high school.
Come here a minute.
Take a look at this place.
My dad died at 53.
I took over his business and turned it into this.
I never finished high school.
Times have changed.
Kids don't automatically follow in their father's footsteps.
Kids do what fathers say.
You made your boy a doctor.
I didn't force him.
Let me ask you something, David.
Can I call you David? Dave, what do you net? I'm talking take-home in your back pocket.
Well, I don't Maybe you're too embarrassed to say it out loud.
I ain't.
I'm proud of it.
year after taxes.
Is this the American dream? The dream's doing better than our fathers did so our sons can do better than us.
Absolutely! Exactly what I'm teaching the little snot, but instead, he wants to become some twinkletoes filmmaker.
Listen, carmine, I've got to go.
Let's get your butt into eastman medical so that we can have this same argument for the next 20 years.
I'll think about it, Dave.
Don't think too long.
Here! Take this new extension hose for the delpino x-9000.
Free of charge.
It's for those hard-to-reach spots.
Action.
Hello, I'm carmine delpino for delpino shower heads, the finest name in quality sprayware.
There's one creature god put on this earth who enjoys and savors a shower more than any other.
And that creature is The duck! These are the best shower heads in the business The corona 850 and the delpino x-9000.
Let's see which passes the duck test.
First, the corona.
A negative feathery statement if ever I saw one.
Now let's try the delpino x-9000.
Just like a gentle spring rain.
You can't see it at home, but this little guy is actually smiling.
So go to your favorite bathroom fixture store and tell the dealer you want to purchase the delpino x-9000.
And like the duck here says, just put it on my bill.
And Cut.
That's a take.
That was great, Mr.
delpino.
The one with us will be even better.
Dad, I can't do this.
You said you'd do it, and you will.
My heart isn't in it.
You hear this? He's killing me.
I'm ordering you.
Learn those lines now.
Mr.
delpino, take it easy.
I'm not doing this stupid commercial.
It stinks.
I could do better than this.
Come on, Vinnie.
Don't you give me any lip.
I've been making these commercials for years.
You heard me, pick up that script.
I'm warning Dad? Dad? Are you all right? Dad! Stay calm.
Stay calm.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
, don't talk.
I'm going to undo your shirt.
Take deep, slow breaths.
You need help? Get the paramedics.
Hurry.
Jerry, call security.
You're going to be o.
K.
Why didn't he tell me about this? You think I'd be yellin' at him? God, I can't believe i almost killed my pop.
Vinnie, you didn't.
He knew he had a problem and he didn't take care of it.
Doog, you give it to me straight.
Is he gonna die? Well, the mortality rate's very low.
If there are no complications, they should have him up on his feet in 24 hours.
But there could be complications.
Well, sure, I'm not gonna tell you it's risk free.
What if he dies? He won't.
I just can't stand the idea of him going under the knife thinkin' his only son hates him.
He doesn't think that.
You heard him, doog.
He said I'm killin' him.
Look, your dad will probably sail through this bypass.
For both your sakes, why don't you go and talk to him before the operation? You know, make your peace with him.
Yeah, you're right.
This is good advice.
So you really think it's not that big a deal? It's big, but it's not that big.
So what are they actually gonna do? Well, they take kinda like a saw, and they cut right through the sternum, that's the breastbone, and then they spread apart the ribs exposing the heart Pop? Pop, you in here? All right.
It's good you're in there and I'm out here.
I want you to listen to me without interrupting, so stay in there until I say what I got to say.
Uh I know you've never understood me, and I know we've got a tough time communicating and we face off a lot about, well, just about everything.
I also know you never loved me as much as you love my sister.
I'll never live up to her, but I need you to pull through this.
Nothing I do will mean a thing unless you're there with me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, bottom line, dad If you really want me in the business, then that's it.
I'm in the business.
I love you, pop.
You're a fine boy.
Everyone should have a son like you.
Where's my father? Downstairs having some tests.
Oh.
Ma, pop's a hang-tough guy, a survivor.
He's going to be o.
K.
I know.
It's just he's never had a sick day in his life.
How you doing, Vinnie? O.
K.
What's happening with my dad? It's been three hours.
I've seen lots of these operations.
It shouldn't be more than another hour or so.
Is this handsome, young, single man a doctor? Ma, this is Dr.
Jack mcguire.
He's a friend of doogie's.
My daughter.
Flying back this afternoon from New Jersey.
She's Very nice.
And cooks.
I taught her everything I know.
Oy, ma.
I want you to sample a centuries-old recipe, passed on from mother to daughter.
Hmm.
Here.
Eat.
Don't be ashamed.
I i will.
Thanks, Mrs.
delpino.
Nice boy.
Tall, too.
Could use a haircut.
Hi, I checked in.
It looks like everything's going smoothly.
No problems.
No surprises.
He should be in intensive care in about 20 minutes.
Doogie, thank you.
Your father must be very proud of you.
Talk some sense into this boy.
Ma I'll be right back.
I'm going to go call your grandmother.
How are you holding up? O.
K.
Not really.
I'm worried about him, doog.
No delpino man has lived past 60.
None of them had the benefit of a surgery like this.
He'll have a good chance of living a long time.
Cool.
I don't want it to be like before, the arguing and all.
It doesn't have to be.
Yeah.
All I got to do is take over the business.
Hi, I'm Vincent delpino, speaking for delpino shower heads, the finest name in sprayware.
My father, carmine delpino, has served this community for years.
We have the widest nozzle selection in Southern California.
The delpino name means quality.
I'm so moved by this.
This is beautiful.
Hey, I know what you're sayin'.
He's the son of the owner, he has to believe in delpino show heads.
Well, let's see what you, the public, think about delpino shower heads.
When Martha and I got divorced, she got the kids, the house, everything.
But I got the delpino.
I have a delpino in all 14 of my bathrooms.
Even the bathroom in the limousine.
Man: Ow! You lousy When I'm throwin' bad, the manager comes out to the mound, pats my butt and says, "kid, hit the delpino.
" You know, I've never taken a shower, but if I did, I'd use a delpino.
See? You don't have to be a delpino to appreciate one.
Delpino shower heads, the finest name in sprayware.
Not as good as my ducks, but a close second.
I'm very touched.
Good.
You, uh You feeling all right? Yeah.
Fine.
I was pretty scared.
Me, too.
When I was lying on the floor on my back, I was afraid to close my eyes because I wasn't sure they would open again.
I'm glad they stayed open.
And when I looked up and saw you, while I was trying to catch my breath, there you were, 16 years old.
And I said, "hey, it wasn't that long ago when I was you.
" I couldn't believe it.
Suddenly, I'm 51, and this is it? You're the toughest guy I know.
You'll live to see at least.
I didn't think i was so tough when it was hurting.
"Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
" Friedrich Nietzsche.
Who is Fred Nietzsche? Just a guy.
I learned about him in school.
School, huh? Yeah.
School.
You got to go to school to learn this filmmaking stuff? Uh-huh.
Filmmaking.
Filmmaking.
Your first film better net more than my shower heads, little mister.
You mean I can? Yeah, who needs you anyway, now that I've got new off-ramps for my heart? Thanks, dad.
Vincent.
I'm Dr.
canfield, Mr.
delpino.
You're the guy that runs this place? Yes.
You insisted on seeing me? It's your showers.
They stink.
I beg your pardon? The heads are 1973 single-spray nozzles.
Step into the nineties.
Choose one, and I'll outfit the entire joint.
Since you took such good care of my ticker, you can have them at wholesale.
Everybody has to leave.
Time for your sponge bath, Mr.
delpino.
Call me carmine.
Dad, you're a very lucky man.