Empty Nest (1988) s01e18 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one, we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on oh, joanne, that's the best piece of gossip I heard since Dr.
Webster's receptionist got caught a-xeroxin' her breasts.
Hey, Dan.
Nice to see you.
Oh, boss man, gotta go.
Come on, Laverne, let's go.
Who's next? Hey, want to hear the latest from the hospital grapevine? That nurse lansky used to be a man? No, this is big.
Nurse lansky used to be a man? Oh, that explains the bald spot.
Come, Laverne, come on.
What's on the grapevine? Oh, our medical center has been sold to the gray kirk corporation.
Really, who did you hear that from? It leaked out of urology.
They say these gray kirk people are ruthless.
Oh, Laverne, don't worry.
This place runs so smoothly, anybody would be crazy to fool with it.
Come, who's next? Oh, Stanley Simmons, room one, tetanus shot.
Stanley.
Stanley.
Hi, doc.
Hey, Stan "the iron man" Simmons.
Oh, it's always great to see my oldest patient.
Well, we will skip the weight check.
My humpty dumpty scale only goes up to 90.
Listen, you were terrific in that Cincinnati game, and when that guy forgot to signal for the fair catch, oh, you drilled him.
Yeah, I always feel guilty when I have to delay the game like that.
So what, you need a tetanus shot? Yeah, you know, during one of those five-man pileups, the right tackle sunk his teeth into my leg.
[Splutters.]
I love football.
Pretty good.
Come, sit.
You know, I'll never forget that tackle you made in the end zone against Houston.
I mean, you slaughtered that guy.
Doc, does this have to be a shot? I mean, couldn't you just put it on a sugar cube? Oh, now, don't worry.
Come on, Stan, it's gonna be over in just a minute.
No, it won't.
No, it won't.
I saw it! I saw it! All right, come on now, Stan.
You remember how we do this, don't you? We close our eyes, pinch our nose, pinching hard, pinching real hard, real hard, real hard, and it's over.
Boy, I didn't feel a thing.
You know, that's why I keep coming to you, doc.
Though it is embarrassing being the iron man and everything.
Bye, Laverne.
See ya, iron man.
Don't get a chance to say that around here every day.
Mail's in.
This one's marked personal and confidential.
It ain't neither.
This one, however, is truly upsettin'.
"To Dr.
Weston, you are hereby notified "that as of next Monday, the 15th, "your office will be moved to room 208 on the second floor.
"Thank you, Janice brattle, vice president, gray kirk corporation"? I don't believe this.
Looks like the grapevine was right.
They just bought this milk cow, and they're already a-tweakin' the udders.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is where I draw the line.
I've had enough I've had enough changes in my life.
I lost my wife; My kids moved out; My kids moved back.
I mean, this this this is the only thing in my life that has remained constant.
This is 25 years in this office.
I mean, I've treated thousands of kids here, and they just think they can send me a memo and tell me I'm out? No, no, no, no, they're gonna have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.
Well, in that case, I am gonna need more than two guys to help me move.
Laverne, you forget about moving.
I want you to call down.
I want you to reserve the auditorium for tomorrow and then call every doctor in this building and tell them to be there for a rally.
We are going to fight the gray kirk corporation.
Well, it's an uphill battle against these corporations, but I'm with you all the way.
It's like my daddy used to say, "never give up a pediatric's office without a fight.
" Your daddy said that? Well, actually, he said it about a whiskey still, but I'm adapting it to the present situation.
Come on.
Now, dreyfuss, I know I got upset with you, but the next time we run into Mr.
Wilson, I want you to remember, a man's leg is his castle.
Good day, Barbara.
I thought I'd stop by for a spot of tea.
Charley, is that a mustache? Oh, how very observant of you.
It's fake, right? Precisely.
Just between you and me, I'm in a rut.
The chicks aren't happening, so I thought I'd change the old image.
Oh, I get it.
So you got a fake mustache.
This is like instead of reading or being more courteous, right? Right.
So I thought I try different looks before I commit to any.
Charley, I don't know if this cultured, sophisticated mustache is you.
I know, but there was a waiting list for the fu manchu.
Good-bye, Charley.
Hi, Charley.
Aren't you going to mention my mustache? It's fake.
It's stupid.
Can we move on now? You bet.
- What's this? - Don't touch that.
That's my little sister Emily's old diary.
I was cleaning, and I found it behind her dresser.
Oh, I love diaries.
Do you want to read, or should I? Charley, no.
You and Grant frasier in an elevator, huh? Give me that.
And we're in.
Oh, look, she's writing about our old dog, sergeant.
Oh, god.
This brings back so many memories.
I loved old sarge.
How about this? Last night, Barbara and Carol practically killed each other.
Oh, god, I remember this.
Barbara lost my charm bracelet, and so to get back at her, I broke her favorite record album.
We didn't speak for weeks.
It was a nightmare.
I have never forgiven her for that.
Speed it up.
I got to get this mustache back by noon.
Wait a minute.
What's this? "I hate myself for having caused this fight "between Barbara and Carol, but how do I tell Carol that I'm the one who lost her bracelet?" Emily lost my bracelet, and I've been blaming Barbara all these years.
I feel terrible.
Oh, I forgot my badge.
I'm sorry, Barbara.
I love you so much.
I am so sorry, so sorry.
Carol, it is no big deal.
It's right he here.
I got to go.
Carol, I'm late.
I've got to go.
I'm gonna make it up to her.
I am going to replace that record I broke.
It is the least I can do.
Bloody touching, Carol, but must go.
Well, love, cheerios.
Charley, that's cheerio.
Hey, I have the cereal.
I know what it is.
Good, okay, right.
Harry.
Great, I'm glad you came by.
I was running a little late, but I am ready.
We can march on down to that rally together.
We just came from the auditorium, Harry.
We are the rally.
- What, nobody came? - Nope.
That's crazy.
There are 125 doctors in this building.
You're the only ones who showed up? Well, I don't blame them, Harry.
I mean, nobody ever wins a battle against a big corporation.
Come on, this is too important to give in without a fight.
Let me tell you what your problem is here, Harry.
You got all your eggs in one basket.
Now, me, I got the heart surgery racket, but say I hurt my hand playing paddle tennis.
No problem.
Why? Because I own a der wienerschnitzel.
And that, my friend, is peace of mind.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, just listen to me now.
I mean, not only are they planning to kick me out of my office of 25 years.
They have all sorts of surprises in store for us.
For instance, they are planning to move the physical therapy department to another building.
Wait a minute, that's gonna be very hard on the patients, moving back and forth from one building to another.
To hell with them.
There goes the jacuzzi.
They are planning to cut back on building security.
We cannot let them get away with this.
Harry, I'm behind you 100%, because all these complaints are really a subset of a larger issue, which is how this medical center smells.
Here we go again.
I know, Lucy, please.
Just because it's a hospital doesn't mean it has to smell like one.
I heard some nasty rumors about them upping the rents.
And don't quote me on this, but I heard I they're talking about shutting down the cafeteria.
Now, now, see, now we're rolling.
Come on, let's get these complaints down on paper.
Pardon the interruption.
I just stopped by the auditorium.
I guess you won't be needing this.
I guess not, Laverne.
By the way, I just tried to take a peek at the new office they assigned us to.
And so what happened? Well, turns out it's Dr.
Harrison's lab.
Now, he's the one working on that defense department Grant, and it's strictly off-limits.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Some kind of esp research.
Which explains Dr.
Harrison's in the football pool.
Laverne, why don't you set up a meeting for the four of us and this Janice brattle.
We are now ready to fight the gray kirk corporation.
Harry, I see where you're going with this thing and I think maybe we should just sit back and watch this one take shape.
No, no, what we should do is march down there, tell this woman what we want, and not leave until we damn well get it.
Better.
I was going with it another way, but I like your thing better.
Okay, here we go.
You do have the record album.
I don't believe it.
Yes, I know it's rare.
I've tried every store and flea market in town.
Thank you very much.
I am on my way.
Hi, Carol.
Charley, I didn't think it was possible, but you have finally out-jerked yourself.
Hey, the a-list thing was a lot of work.
With this, I can just sit back and stroke my chin, and the chicks will think I'm deep in thought.
When the truth is, I'm undressing them with my eyes.
Charley, I really don't have time for this.
I have a hot tip on where to find that record album in lauderdale.
Charley.
And listen to this.
If they do ask me one of my deep thoughts, I lay this baby on them.
"I think, therefore, I Am.
" Charley, does it trouble you that virtually every dolphin in the ocean is your intellectual superior? Oh, hi.
I'm Janice brattle.
You must be Dr.
Weston.
- Hi.
- Why don't you come on in now.
Ah, no, I'd rather wait for my three colleagues.
If you're referring to doctors bloom, coolidge, and moss, they're not coming.
It seems they've come down with the flu.
Really? They seemed just fine this morning.
Yeah, well, flu seem to hit them just around the same time that I mentioned that gray kirk also owns the insurance company that writes their malpractice policies.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
You know, I've been feeling a little sniffley myself lately.
No, no, no, no.
I would like very much to talk with you.
Have it your own way, doctor.
I did try to reach you earlier, doctor, but you weren't there, and now I'm late for a meeting, so I'd appreciate it if you'd be quick, okay? Oh, all right, yeah, fine.
Yes, I will.
I'll be brief and to the point.
Harry Weston, first hung his doctor.
Number one, you're moving physical therapy to another building.
Number two, there's talk, of course, of upping our rents.
Three, you're cutting back on security.
Four, there is the nagging issue of the way this medical center Smells.
You're right; The smell thing struck us immediately.
But we've isolated the problem.
It's the ventilation.
As for the other issues, I can't help you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're giving me the smell thing, and that's it? That's right, and if there's nothing further, I've got to go.
No, wait, wait, no.
There's a lot more I would like to discuss with you, starting with my office of 25 years.
Miss brattle, there's a ring on my desk where my coffee cup goes.
There are pencil marks on the wall showing the heights of all my kids going back to the '60s.
My entire life has been in that office, and this faceless corporation comes by and says, "relocate.
" Everyone on the tenth floor has to be moved.
It's a corporate decision.
It's not reversible.
Oh, really.
Oh, really.
Well, that's too bad.
You know, I keep hearing you can't win against these big corporations.
I don't care.
I am staying in my office.
I am not moving.
Period.
Dr.
Weston, I have a long list of physicians who would be more than happy to occupy the office that you've been assigned.
So you have a choice.
Either you move, or you're evicted.
Oh, yeah? You're gonna hear this whether you like it or not.
Harry Weston, first hung his shingle on an unseasonably warm day in October! Oh, Barbara, I've been waiting for you for hours to get home.
Can you tell me why without hugging me? Because I found Emily's old diary, and I have to confess, I read part of it.
But I'm glad I did, because it's given me the chance to make up for what I did to you years ago.
What, that haircut you gave me with the pinking shears? No, this is much better.
Here, I got you the record album I broke so unfairly so long ago.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- You did this for me? - Yes.
Carol, you're the best sister ever.
No, you're the best sister ever.
Now come on.
Open it.
The bean boys? Yes! Carol, I've never heard of the bean boys.
You broke the beach boys.
No, the beach boys I could have bought down the street.
This was the bean boys.
It's right here in the diary.
Right, that's b-e-a-c-h.
That's not an "n"? No, you know how Emily scribbles.
The beach boys, I don't believe it.
For this I drove all day to a trailer park and had lunch with a man named Michael dorf, who claimed to be the fifth bean boy.
Oh, Carol, don't be upset.
This is terrific.
I'm gonna love these guys.
Like this song.
A whole lot of beans.
- Evening, girls.
- Hi, daddy.
What's the matter, daddy? Nothing, except that this woman, Janice brattle, threatened to evict me from my office.
What? That's terrible.
Daddy, she called.
Here's the message.
Ah.
She wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow to reconsider my list of demands.
Obviously she checked around and found out with whom she was dealing.
Ha, ha! When will the fortune 500 learn you cannot pull Harry Weston's chain and get away with it? [Laughs.]
Hi, everybody.
Charley, you took off the beard.
Yeah.
Hey, the bean boys.
I love the bean boys.
I got all their stuff at home.
You mean the beach boys.
No, I mean the bean boys.
Is this the one with a whole lot of beans on it? Yes.
I got a whole lot of beans not their best work.
Charley, why'd you take off that beard? Well, I don't want to change my image after all.
I'm happy with who I am.
Mistake.
No, I learned a lesson from all this.
It's not the facial hair that women look for in man, it's the chest hair that drives them crazy.
And I got that.
I got a whole lot of beans well, that was a very productive and a very pleasant lunch, and I thank you, and we seem to have addressed almost every issue on the list.
All except for the issue of your office.
I think it's good we left that till the last, don't you? Won't you sit down? Yeah, thank you.
I hope I didn't strong-arm you too much on the negotiations.
Well, you were tough, but I think we reached a reasonable compromise.
I'll just send this napkin down to legal in the morning.
Harry, I'd like to apologize for acting like such a beast yesterday.
Sometimes I'm so busy being a businesswoman, I forget about being a human being.
I must say, I like you a lot better this way.
Me too.
You know what I hate most about the corporate world? It just doesn't give you time to devote to certain other aspects of your life.
Oh, that's true.
So sometimes you have to take shortcuts.
Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Good, I'm glad we're in synch, because I have a little idea I want to throw out to you.
Ah, great.
Make love to me, and I'll let you keep your office.
Harry, I realize that this is sort of coming out of the blue, but it's just the law of supply and demand.
I have something you want: Your office, and you certainly have something I want.
No, I don't.
I mean, I do.
Of course I do.
But you can't have it.
Everything's negotiable.
Yes, I think that I should I should just go.
Harry, come over here and kiss me, or I'll Jack up your rent.
How can you talk to me like that? It makes me feel so cheap.
I mean today at lunch, I thought you respected me.
Now it turns out you're just like all the others.
What others? I don't know; It just seemed like the right thing to say.
Listen, as much as I would like to keep my office, there are certain ideals I will not compromise.
And, miss brattle, let me tell you something.
I think you are a very naughty woman, and I shall have nothing more to do with you.
[Sighs.]
- What was that? - Trash.
This isn't trash, Laverne.
This is all part of my life.
Bad news, there was a lot more of your life bagged up out there in the dumpster.
Well, that's the last of it.
Come on.
I still can't believe it.
I got all my demands but this one.
That took a lot of courage, you standing up to that corporation, kind of like the way David stood up to goliath.
Well, thank you, Laverne.
But as I recall, goliath never demanded to sleep with David.
Where did you hear that? Janice brattle's secretary is a chatty woman.
Ah, let's get a move on.
I'd like to tell you I have a good feeling about this, but I don't.
I know what you mean.
There's a welcome mat if I ever saw one.
This is it.
Oh, no.
Laverne, this is the same floor plan as our old office.
I don't know.
I guess I could set up my stuff over there.
It's the same.
We can probably make that exam room one, and that your private office.
It's exactly the same.
There's no difference.
Well, I'll see where I can put my files.
I would try right over there where they've always been.
Laverne, it's ex It's the same.
I can't believe I went through all this, and it's exactly the same.
Hi, doc.
They told me I'd find you down here.
Iron man, our first patient in our new office.
Yep.
So where are you gonna put everything? It's the same!