Family Matters s01e18 Episode Script

Hi, guys.
Laura, my angel, great news.
I've got two tickets to the Greater Chicago Rock and Mineral Show.
I hear they have a fabulous gravel exhibit this year.
Thanks, but I'm busy.
I didn't say what night it is.
Thanks, but I'm busy every night.
I understand, Laura, my sweet.
There's always the boat show.
Eddie.
My buddy.
What do you say? I can get us backstage passes.
Thanks, Steve but I'm allergic to rocks.
Hey, I'm allergic to everything and I'm still going.
Judy.
It's your lucky night.
Pass.
No problem.
I can bring you back a T-shirt.
Richie.
Well, here's my first attempt to impress my new captain.
Is it typed neatly enough? What about the spacing? It's a police report.
They'll be happy if it doesn't have food all over it.
This would've been okay for Captain Charles, but not Captain Davenport.
He's all spit and polish.
Hey.
Maybe he'll be impressed if I put it in something special like a binder or a folder, or a new car.
Carl, nobody likes a kiss-up.
Mama, in order to make lieutenant, I need my captain's recommendation.
And I just don't know where I stand.
Carl, you have a great record.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, but, Harriette, when a new captain comes in everybody starts from scratch.
And Davenport doesn't know me from Adam.
Well, get acquainted with him, talk to him.
Take him to lunch.
The man doesn't eat lunch.
He thinks it's a waste of time.
Then you two have nothing in common.
How was babysitting, honey? Those Murphy twins are a couple of wild animals.
I'm getting too old for this line of work.
Laura, you are involved in too many activities.
You're right, Mom.
I've been thinking it over and I made a decision.
- You're gonna cut back on babysitting? - No.
I'm gonna expand.
Carl, she's delirious.
No.
What I mean is, I'm gonna start my own babysitting service.
You're gonna start your own business? Do you have any idea what you're doing? Sure.
I'll hire a staff of babysitters, book the jobs, take 10 percent off the top.
I can make 50 bucks a night without leaving the house.
I'm gonna make some business cards.
Oh, all right.
Well, thanks a lot, Jeff.
I had a wonderful time.
Yeah, me too, Rachel.
Look, uh, it's still early.
- Maybe I could come in, have some coffee? - No.
Uh, no, no, no.
We don't drink coffee.
Uh, we're all too high-strung.
Good night.
Another loser, huh, Rachel? No.
I like Jeff.
Well, then why didn't you invite him in? Maybe she's embarrassed by her family.
Oh, Carl.
No.
The truth is I haven't told him about little Richie yet.
If you like him and he likes you, why don't you tell him you have a child? I don't wanna scare him off, Harriette.
Last time I told a date about little Richie, I had to take the bus home.
Wait till you're my age.
The bus ride is the highlight of the date.
No, sir.
Captain Davenport, there is nothing that I like more than fishing.
Ha.
Except, of course, working for you.
Ha-ha-ha.
Carl, you want me to fry that or throw it back? Harriette, I finally found out a way to impress Captain Davenport.
He likes fishing.
I figure I'd take him up to the lake do a little fishing, little talking - Wait a minute, Carl.
You got to take the man fishing to talk to him? Talk to him at the station.
Harriette, you just don't know the way the world works, do you? Guide me, oh, wise one.
I'll give you a guide.
It's for me.
It's Rebecca.
What's happening, baby? Who? Man.
Laura, it's for you.
I don't believe this.
Another Friday night and I'm dateless.
Is there something wrong with me? Winslow Sitting Service.
I'm still as good-Iooking as I was two weeks ago, right? I still have my killer eyes, don't I? Mom? - Judy? - Eddie, get a life.
No, no, I'm sorry.
We don't have any sitters available that night.
I'm sure we could accommodate you if you change the date of the funeral.
- Harriette.
Harriette.
- Hm? I want my date with Jeff to be perfect.
Which dress do you like, the pink or red? I love that red dress on you, Rachel.
But are you thinking like a man? Oh, well, if I were a man, I'd love that low-cut pink dress on you.
Sure, you just want me for my body.
Harriette.
Harriette, I am in.
I am in, Harriette.
I can see that.
Now, maybe you can shut the door.
Oh.
I mean, I finally got up enough courage to speak with Captain Davenport.
- What did you say? - I remember the conversation word for word.
I went up to him, I said, "Hey, captain.
How's it going?" And he looked me right in the eye and he said, "Who are you?" This is too weird.
Now Dianne is canceling too.
I need somebody to sit for the Kramer baby.
Who's left? Nobody.
I guess I could call Steve Urkel.
Did I say that? Did Davenport say he was gonna recommend you for lieutenant? Well, I figure I'd ease into it tonight.
I invited him over for dinner.
- Tonight? - Yeah.
His wife is out of town.
It's perfect.
Isn't it? I'm warning you, Renita.
If you cancel on me, you'll never sit in this town again.
Renita? Renita? The kid is back.
It's Friday night and I got a date.
Pardon me, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who cares.
- What's your problem? - All of my sitters have canceled.
Why is this happening? That's easy.
Paula Abdul is in town giving a surprise concert.
Everyone's going.
How could all my girls be going? It's limited seating, right? Well, if you call the 65,000 seats at Soldier Field limited, yeah.
All right.
Don't panic.
Look, there's nothing going on here tonight, so we have the house all to ourselves.
Okay.
I'll call all the parents and have them bring the kids over here.
I know it's just you and me, Judy, but it's only 15 kids.
We can handle it.
We? I'm out of here.
No, no, there's no problem, Miss Parks.
If you'll just drop your son off at my house my sister and I will be delighted to look after him.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Look, I decided to go with the red dress.
What do you think? Is the red dress okay? That's black.
Right.
I decided to go with the black dress.
You look beautiful, Aunt Rachel.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
Uh, Laura, look.
Tonight's the night I tell Jeff about Richie.
Should I tell him right away and get it over with or tell him at intermission, or wait and tell him at dinner or the car? It's not your problem.
Just wish me luck, honey.
- Aunt Rachel.
- Yes? You don't want him to know the minute he sees you, right? Definitely not.
Then maybe you ought to leave Richie here.
Good point.
Bye, baby.
Well, have a good evening.
I know I will.
Where are you going? You said you'd take care of Richie.
Oh.
That was before I had a date.
Laura, I don't have a lot of time so I'm gonna give it to you straight.
I'm going to the concert and you've got the Murphy twins.
Penny, you can't do this to me.
I'm your best friend.
That's why I feel so terrible about this.
Bye.
I'm out of here.
If you don't stay and help me babysit I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad about that ugly little incident that occurred at school last week.
What incident? Don't play dumb with me.
You know what I'm talking about.
You wouldn't.
Try me.
Okay, you got me.
I'll stay.
- What did he do at school? - Beats me.
Knowing Eddie, I just took a shot.
Hey, give me back my wallet.
Eddie little Richie needs changing.
You know, Laura, I've been thinking about this and I really don't think I did anything at school last week.
Oh.
Are you forgetting about that incident with Rodney? Oh.
Oh, Laura, I see you're having a party.
I would have been here sooner, but I was soaking my retainer.
Steve, I'm glad to see you.
You are? Wow! You wanna make out? My mouth is clean.
Get real.
I need help.
Go find Adam Lewis.
I think he's playing frogman in the toilet.
Oh.
One of my favorite water sports.
Oh, Harriette, look at the time.
Davenport will be here in 20 minutes.
Carl, you're the one who went to three gourmet shops to find goose pâté.
I heard it was his favorite.
Friend or foe? - Who are you? - Your worst nightmare.
Carl, who was that? You don't know? Laura, what are all these kids doing here? All my babysitters backed out.
Then call their parents.
I did.
They were all out for the evening.
Captain Davenport will be here any minute.
These kids can't stay here.
Harriette, some child is outside digging up all your azaleas.
Oh, my Lord! Where are you going with my hockey stick? All right! All right! That is it! Harriette, that is it! We have a house full of screaming kids no dinner, and Davenport will be here any minute.
I might as well kiss my promotion goodbye.
No No, not yet.
Not yet.
Hold on.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Okay.
Everybody, listen up.
Mother Winslow, take the toddlers to your room.
All kids over 7, go to Eddie's room and play Nintendo.
Laura, Judy, divide the rest between Barbie fans and Lego lovers and get them upstairs.
All right, everybody, move.
- On my way.
Come on.
- Bye, Teddy.
Unh-unh.
Unh-unh.
Now, if we keep them out of sight Captain Davenport may not notice that we're running a daycare center.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to alarm anybody but the Murphy twins are snorkeling in Mother Winslow's water bed.
Halt.
Who goes there? - Come on.
Let's go.
Come, come, come.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Oh.
Captain Davenport.
- Winslow.
- Nice to see you, sir.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
How do you do? It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Harriette.
- Mrs.
Winslow.
- Come on in, sir.
- Thank you.
- Sit down.
Little goose? Pâté.
Oh, my favorite.
But I can't eat it.
Too much cholesterol.
Had yours checked lately, Winslow? So Captain Davenport, I hear you like to fish.
Mm.
Heh.
I happen to be an expert fisherman myself.
Yeah.
Just the other day, he caught an 8-pound curtain.
So, what's your favorite game fish? I like trout.
I hate trout.
Me too.
Well, seems you two have a lot to talk about.
I'II, uh, just go check on dinner.
Isn't this nice? Here in my home, the two of us away from the hubbub of the precinct.
Doesn't get much better than this, does it? No, sir.
You say something? Unh-unh.
Uh Uh Ha, ha.
We're having leg of lamb for dinner.
Ha, ha.
I hope she didn't break it.
It's hard to cut through the cast.
Ha, ha.
I'll be right back, sir.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! Thanks, Carl.
I didn't wanna have to get rough with them.
Oh, yeah? Help! All right, all right.
If I ever mention babysitting again, just kill me.
Hi, Laura.
Your father was showing me how to carry you over the threshold.
Dad.
Get him.
- Lf you are here, who's watching the kids? - Eddie.
This guy is good.
I turned my head and he shimmied down the drain pipe.
Now who's watching the other kids? Captain Davenport.
Hey, hey, hey.
Captain Davenport, sir.
Uh, I can explain everything.
- This is very embarrassing.
- Winslow, you ruined the game, man.
- You like this? - Sure.
I love kids.
I'm having the time of my life.
Uh-oh.
Look out, kids.
I'm getting away.
See, Harriette.
Can I read people or what? Thank you.
Jeff, I had a great time.
Me too, Rachel.
You're a lovely, wonderful woman.
Would you like to come in? You're inviting me in? This is a big breakthrough in our relationship.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.
But before we go in there's something I have to tell you.
I knew there was a catch.
There's someone else in my life.
You're not married, are you? No, no.
Nothing like that.
Then what? Well in addition to being a lovely, wonderful woman I'm also a lovely, wonderful mother.
You are? I are.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
Help! Help! Kids.
Uh, kids.
Kids.
Kids.
Kids.
Stop it! Oh, Jeff, I'm sorry.
Are all those yours? None of those are mine.
Aunt Rachel, take little Richie.
The Murphy twins are out back giving each other haircuts.
This is my child.
My only child.
Richie, meet Jeff.
- Rachel, l - Jeff.
The only reason I didn't tell you about Richie is because I didn't wanna have to take the bus home again.
Run that by me again.
It's a long story.
It's just that I've gotten strange reactions from men when they find out I have a child.
I really like you and I didn't wanna scare you off.
Rachel I'm still here.
And I'd like the chance to get to know you and your son a little better.
I'd like that too.
Is that okay, Richie? That means yes.
- Hey, thank you for a wonderful evening.
- You're welcome, sir.
And I got my eye on you for lieutenant.
I appreciate that, Captain Davenport Listen.
Now, we are off duty.
Call me Casper.
Casper? You sure the right kids went home with the right parents? I don't know.
Let them figure it out.
We have to have a talk, young lady.
I know.
My babysitting business blew up in my face.
Like the Hindenburg.
Laura, for the next few years, instead of trying to be a business tycoon just be a kid.
I'll try.
But the thought of extra cash flow does funny things to me.
What does the thought of losing your allowance do? Straightens me right up.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
Well, how do you think it went with Captain Davenport? It's simple.
Invite the boss over, give him some dinner throw in about 20 or 30 kids and tie him up a little bit, he's a happy guy.
Let's clean the kitchen.
Sorry, Carl.
This thing has a hair trigger.