Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e18 Episode Script

1 Oh, man.
Now they got cake? Oh, let's get some of this food.
This food is just for the people working on the Super Kart Racer shoot.
Hey, if they didn't want us to eat it, the security guard wouldn't have left to go to the bathroom.
- What's up, guys? - I can't believe Funtendo's pulling out all the stops for you.
I can't believe they're paying you just to stand around and look like you.
I can.
He's magnificent.
He set the Super Kart Racer record four years ago, and nobody's beaten it.
Oh, and the best part is, the Funtendo people said we can keep the kart - for the whole weekend.
- You know what that means.
We get to take a five-hour seminar on go-kart safety.
Ho ho! Rules rule! Hey, you're not gonna lame this up for me, Delgado.
Go-karts have nothing to do with safety.
Oh, great.
Here comes your weird cousin Dwayne.
He always smells like nachos and gasoline.
Ho ho ho.
That's a pretty sweet go-kart.
Haven't ridden one of these since the last time we saw Grandpa.
- Oh, best funeral ever.
- Yeah.
So you ready? Let's roll to our parent-teacher conference.
- Oh, yeah.
- Wait.
You're his cousin.
Why aren't his parents going to that? Oh, they're traveling to Europe for a year to see a hungry turkey.
You mean they're traveling to the countries - of Hungary and Turkey? - Ooh.
Look who's a doctor of maps.
Anyway, while they're gone, I'm his legal guardian.
Do you really think that you can take care of Wendell? Yeah.
Matter of fact, I was just about to feed him.
Food! Ready, Dubs? - Let's grab some takeout, Ruckus style.
- On it! See ya.
Wouldn't wanna see ya.
I think I did that wrong.
Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 1x18 - "The Super Kart" Gamer's Guide - This thing is so cool.
- Yeah.
She's really built for speed.
Please.
What do you know about go-karts? I know this one's got a four-stroke 200cc engine with a tube chassis and F-1 performance radials for optimum drift.
Pfft.
You didn't even mention the circle thingy.
- You mean the steering wheel? - If you wanna get all technical.
Hey, Funtendo wants me to do one more interview.
Would one of you guys mind watching the kart? Oh, yeah.
I'll crash it.
I'll crash it good Wait, did I say it out loud? Ashley, you're out.
Franklin's watching it.
Because we're best friends who have a relationship built on mutual respect.
And because you're too big of a wuss to get into any trouble.
And because I'm too big of a wuss to get into - Hey! - Franklin, it's okay.
You're just not the "getting into trouble" kind of guy.
You're more of a "run away from butterflies" kind of guy.
I think he's more of a "stay at home and knit" kind of guy.
I don't knit! I crochet.
And I don't just do it at home.
During gym, I made this onesie for my lizard.
All right, I gotta go do this interview.
- I'm in.
- Let's go.
They think I'm a wuss, huh? I'll show them.
Oh! Oh! This thing isn't scary at all.
Maybe it's time for this bad boy to release the reckless speed demon within! Oh, yeah! So you replaced the cookies in the librarian's snack drawer with dog biscuits? Well, if she didn't like 'em, why'd she wolf down three bags? Don't you worry, son-cousin.
I'm gonna have a little chat with this Janice.
You're the best, Dwayne.
McManus, I got a bone to pick with you.
- Well, then, pick away.
- Dang! You got a magnificent neck.
Oh, this old thing? I just use it to keep my head attached to my body.
Cookie? Woof.
Uh where's the go-kart? That's a funny story, sir.
Okay, see you later.
- Tell me what happened.
- Well you know that indoor go-kart track behind the bowling alley? Hello, fellow kart enthusiasts.
Just came down here to heat up some tires.
I think he's trying to say "burn some rubber.
" Ah, yes.
That's the one.
Why don't you get lost? We're about to have a race, and there's no wusses allowed.
Wuss? I'll show you wuss.
Yeah, be prepared to taste my dirt cloud.
I think he's trying to say "eat my dust.
" Ah, yes, that's the one.
So I found myself involved in a winner-take-all race.
I had them right where I wanted them until the race started.
Franklin, Funtendo needs that kart back by the end of the weekend.
What happened? Yeah! Whoo! Thanks for the kart, loser.
Yeah! That happened.
Oh, look who's here.
You guys come to beg for your kart back like little crybabies? Excuse me.
We are not gonna cry like little babies.
- We just really want our kart back.
- You gotta give us our kart back.
We're keepin' the cart, Stanklin.
Hey, you leave Stanklin You leave Franklin alone.
He didn't even know he was racing for keeps.
He signed a notarized document explaining the rules.
Okay.
These guys might be delinquents, but they're very thorough with their paperwork.
There's only one way to get your kart back.
You gotta race for it.
I would, but you have my kart.
Well, then, you gotta get another one.
You wanna race or not brah? Oh, we're gonna race.
We're definitely gonna race.
Brah.
- Fine.
- Fine! I'll take care of your paperwork.
Good news, legal son.
I worked my magic, and you will be serving no detention time for your crime.
Right on, legal daddy.
Now let's go celebrate by farting in a crowded elevator.
Oh, wish I could, 'cause you know I'm always locked and loaded.
But I got a date.
And dude, she's got more curves than a bagful of snakes.
Oh, man, I can only imagine how fine she is if someone as cool as you is into her.
You're in luck, 'cause here she comes.
Hey Janice, move your dumb face! I'm looking for Dwayne's hot new girl.
She is my hot new girl.
I don't understand.
How are we going to race to get our kart back if we don't have a kart? Ashley's on it.
She comes from a family of mechanics.
I know she'll come through.
I knew she wouldn't come through.
What is this junk? Hey, just because I found this stuff in a junkyard - doesn't make it "junk.
" - That's exactly what makes it junk! Looks like Ashley messed up way worse than I did, huh? Are you kidding me? You're the one that lost our kart, "Stanklin.
" Stanklin? Is that really catching on? What a beautiful spot for a picnic.
Yeah, you don't need to spend restaurant money to have a good time.
So are you enjoying your dinner, sugar neck? Oh! My date's nice and spicy, but my food's a little bland.
Oh.
Well, you're in luck, 'cause I always come prepared.
Condiment utility belt? Oh, saucy.
Let me hit you with a little hot sauce.
- You want one squirt or two? - I'll take four.
Oh, so gross.
So, what else should I know about Janice McManus, other than you being a stone-cold fox? Well, um, fun fact.
I'm pretty good at hypnotizing squirrels.
And I've fallen and/or been pushed off three cruise ships.
You? Well, I have traveled to over two states.
And I was born, coincidentally, - on my birthday.
- Nice.
And I've never told anyone this before, but I I'm deathly afraid of No, I can't.
- You can tell me anything.
- I have a fear of mimes.
Yeah, if I ever saw one of those creepy dudes, I would freak out so bad, you'd want nothing to do with me.
Oh, really? So are you ready for dessert? I raided the teachers' lounge fridge.
I got one of these "doughnut touché" bags.
You silly boy.
You know that says "do not touch.
" Yeah.
No, I know.
That's just a cute little thing I do where I pretend I can't read words.
Let's go down to the River Walk and watch the sunset.
Why not? Sounds free.
- You gonna finish your soup? - Oh, no.
It's way too hot.
Hey, gamers.
When you're building your ride in Super Kart Racer, it's as simple as pushing a couple of buttons.
But in real life, it's even easier.
You just have Ashley do it.
But trust me.
Franklin and I pulled our weight, too.
- We're back.
We got some food.
- Great.
I'm starving.
We'll be right back.
At the end of the day, Ashley built us a pretty sick go-kart.
And don't worry.
We remembered to get her a sandwich.
Uh-oh.
You smell that? That is romance in the air.
Or it's that dead, bloated otter over there.
Either way, that's a good stink.
Don't look now.
It's one of those silent devils! Where did he get that umbrella? Stand still.
They can't see you if you stand still.
That dang mime.
He got me! He got me with his invisible rope.
I knew I'd go this way.
No, no, no.
Run, Janice! I'll always remember your neck.
Not today, mime! Nobody messes with my man.
No, wait.
Put me down.
Stop! You're awful talky for a mime! - Oh! Oh! - Get it off! Get it off! I just saw my whole life flash before my eyes.
And do you know what was missing? You.
Janice Alanis McManus, will you marry me? Yes.
Yes, a thousand times yes.
Yes! Aw, come on! Don't ruin this for me, mime! I think it looks like a wild stallion, ready to run like the wind.
I think it looks like a rocket, ready to launch into space.
I think it looks like an old lawn mower making out with a mailbox.
Okay, she may not be much to look at, but she's got some moves.
Yeah.
Can your kart do this? No, but our kart can do this.
It's a spinning blade of death that'll cut through any go-kart.
I think we're gonna need a louder horn.
I knew they wouldn't play fair.
Yeah, these guys weaponized their kart, - and we got nothing.
- That's not true.
We've got friendship, loyalty, and forgiveness.
That's way better than some dumb one-of-a-kind kart.
Right, guys? No.
We want the kart that you lost! Now will you leave us alone? Ashley and I need to think.
Wait.
You're using Ashley instead of me to help you think?! I really have hit a new low.
We don't have time to modify the kart any more.
The race starts in two minutes.
I wish we were just playing Super Kart.
I know I can win that.
That's it.
In the game, you can use anything as a weapon grapefruits, tin cans.
Yeah.
On the secret level, you can throw a tiger shark.
Okay, grab anything you can find.
- I'll hit the snack bar.
Go! - I'll hit the dumpster.
And I'll just sit here, 'cause I can't do anything right.
Ow! Ow! As soon as I say "I do," you two release the doves, and you two shoot the doves.
Hey, hey, what's going on, Little Dubs? You're not dressed.
I can't do it, Dwayne.
I can't just stand by while you marry Janice.
She hypnotized you! I've seen her do it to squirrels.
I ain't hypnotized.
I just like her, all right? I haven't been this happy since I found these sweet cufflinks at Grandpa's funeral.
Aren't those the ones he was wearing? Oh, yeah, but he would've wanted me to have 'em.
- He was just too dead to say it.
- I can't believe you like her.
But if she makes you happy, then all right.
What do you want, Wendell? - You come to ruin my wedding? - Yes.
But then I changed my mind.
Oh! Before I forget, don't stand on that X over there.
Why not? That's why.
Anyway, Dwayne seems to actually like you.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, congratulations legal mom.
Thanks, Wendell Wait a minute.
Did you just call me mom? Well, yeah.
Dwayne's my legal guardian while my parents are gone.
So once you get married, you'll basically be my mother.
- Eat a bag of rocks, Mama.
- Nooo!! I'm out! The wedding's off! - The wedding's off! - What?! No, don't leave me, baby! Dwayne, I don't know what happened.
- For once, I didn't do anything.
- My heart will never heal.
She is the only woman I will ever love.
- Hey, Dwayne.
- Hold up Marlene? Hey, girl, when did you get out of jail?! - Give me that.
- That's my cousin-daddy! Don't forget to draft into the turns, punch it on the straightaways, and try not to red-line coming out of the hairpins.
I'm just gonna drive fast and throw stuff at him.
Game on.
I can't shake him.
On it.
I'll take him out with my grease gun.
Hey.
You're not allowed to interfere.
What are you gonna do about it, wuss? Sorry, Leslie.
Only my friends can call me a wuss.
Ah.
No! You did it, you did it! We did it.
All of us.
And you saved my butt out there with that knitting needle.
Thanks, but it was a crochet hook.
Hey, I liked your moves back there.
- You got a girlfriend? - No.
No, I'm telling you, you've got a girlfriend.
Hey, Dwayne, I got me a new girlfriend, too.
This is Molly, and we just kissed.
Nice.
- Hello, Wendell.
- What are you doing here, Janice? Dwayne's moved on.
Look.
I'm just here to pick up my niece.
Molly.
Wait.
What?! You're related to that? Oh, I kissed a McManus? Oh, gross! I gotta get that taste outta my mouth.
I got you, Little Dubs.
Little ketchup should take care of that.
Oh, yeah.
That's hot sauce.
Oh, man, I really gotta learn to read words.