Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e18 Episode Script

All right, no big deal.
Minor setback.
- Easy spare, Gary.
- Yeah, man, pick this one up - and we're in the finals.
- That's right.
How long has my name been on my shirt? All year, Dad.
Everyone's name is on the shirt.
We're a team, okay? Except yours is the only shirt with your address and instructions for a cab driver pinned inside your collar.
- Oh, yeah! Yes! - We're in the championships! Way to go, Dad.
Thanks, Son.
You know, it just goes to show you can do anything when you put your mind to it.
Well, it doesn't hurt that two of the other guys on the other team got food poisoning.
Look, Louise, they ordered sushi in a bowling alley.
They got what they deserved, okay? Hey, Dad, why are those four guys staring at you? That's the Kim brothers from Kim Brothers Flooring.
They won the championship the last four years.
What did you do to them? Because they're looking at you like Mom does.
They're floor guys, Tom.
Floor guys hate painters, and painters hate floor guys.
Why do we hate them? Because they scuff perfectly painted baseboards with their buffers.
Painters have no respect for floors.
They leave splatters everywhere! Man, I wish we were playing them in the finals.
I'd love to kick their asses.
We are playing them in the finals.
Oh.
Well, you know, there ain't no shame in second place.
What kind of attitude is that, Stuart? Come on, we can beat the Kims.
We get that trophy, we can rub their noses in it for a whole year.
I mean, what's second place? Dinner at the Rusty Anchor? Ooh.
Rusty Anchor.
You know, you can smell that place all the way from the freeway.
That's how you know it's good fish.
Look, we're not playing for that.
We're playing for the trophy.
I want the trophy.
I want you guys to want the trophy, and that's what we're gonna get when we beat the Kims' butts! You talk big, Brooks.
We'll see you on Saturday.
- Yeah, don't worry, Kim.
We'll be there.
- We're gonna wax the floor with you.
We're gonna paint the walls with you.
Two coats! Yeah, you know, you guys are just describing your jobs, right? Hey, Son.
Do me a favor.
Return my shoes, okay? Oh, goody.
They're still warm and humid.
Oh, you dropped your book.
- Thanks.
I'm Ella.
- I'm Tom.
What are you reading? - Pre-calc.
- Ah.
I read the sequel.
Calc.
You're funny.
Oh, - I gotta go return these shoes, so bye.
- Okay.
All right, bye.
- Ella, let's go.
- Okay.
Thanks for visiting Dad-land.
Welcome back to Mom-topia, where the fun never starts.
Hey, do they still have that ride at Dad-land where you sit on the couch for six hours and watch your life pass you by? I'm gonna go take a shower.
I smell like popcorn, beer and feet.
Wait a minute.
Gary, did you take them to the bowling alley again? It's a family fun center, okay? And, yes, I did.
Dad's team won, Mom.
They're in the championship.
- Ooh, yippee.
Who you playing? - Uh, Kim Brothers Flooring.
Ah, second place.
We're not getting second place this year, Allison.
We're winning.
Okay? I don't know if you noticed, my team's undefeated.
Yeah, yeah, only because you had two forfeits, Gary, okay? And just before you played Dave's Roofing, Dave's mother died.
She was their best bowler.
Yeah, and they played their hearts out in her loving memory, all right? And we still spanked them.
Well, good luck beating the Kims without me.
I was the best bowler on the team, you know.
That's right.
Was.
You was the best bowler on the team, okay? But now I was Am the best bowler on the team, okay? I'm the best bowler on the team - because I'm free at last.
- Mmm-hmm.
I don't have you counting my beers or throwing away my chicken wings or using hand sanitizer on your bowling ball after every roll.
You know what? There are more germs on a bowling ball than a dog's rectum.
Look, I think you have to find other hobbies aside from figuring out what has more germs than a dog's rectum.
Hmm.
You know, as much as it's killing me not to be spending Mondays and Thursdays at a bowling alley wearing somebody else's shoes, which, again, dog's rectum, - good luck on the championship, Gary.
- Why don't you just admit it? It's killing you that you're not on the team when we're in the championships.
Just admit it.
You wish you were back on the team.
Admit it.
All right.
I hate that I'm not on the team.
Just admit it.
I just did.
You took all the fun out of that.
Look, I liked being on the team, okay? And I was a little hurt you didn't ask me back, but I'm over it.
- All right, good.
- And you know what? - What? - I cannot wait until you get your butt shellacked by the Kim brothers.
Not gonna happen, okay? Because with a little extra coaching, my guys are gonna be fine.
But you stink as a coach, Gary.
I mean, a little extra is just gonna make your team a little extra stinky.
I'm the world's greatest coach.
I have a coffee mug that says that on it.
Oh, please.
Gary, I was on your team for seven years.
Your only motivation technique includes shots of booze.
When your team consists of problem drinkers, that's very motivating.
We had a good practice, you guys, okay? But we gotta step it up a notch.
We gotta really focus and stay motivated, okay? - Motivated? That means shots.
- No, no, no, no.
No, Dennis, no shots.
Dennis, come on.
No booze today.
But this is a coaching session.
We always have shots.
You created the monster, Gary.
You're gonna have to feed it.
No.
No shots this time, okay? I really want us to just focus on the practice we just had.
It was pretty good, but we can improve.
For instance, okay, Stuart, you are rushing everything.
Well, if I take too long, Dennis drinks my beer.
- I do not! - I know you do, Dennis.
You're the only one that wears lip gloss.
It is lip balm, and it's very dry in here.
All right, guys, come on.
Just Now, can you knock it off? Sit down.
Relax.
We gotta bring our A-game if we're gonna beat the Kim brothers.
Look at them in there.
They're so precise.
They never take their eyes off the pins.
Now's your chance, Dennis.
Go drink their beer.
I don't do that.
God.
That's not meant to rush you.
I just want to make sure I hold my place in line.
You know, you have skinny arms.
If you really want that elephant, you can just reach up there and grab it.
You know, I'll keep a lookout if you want.
You're so sweet, Tom, but we shouldn't be seen together.
Well, why not? I mean, I made you laugh the other day, remember? The whole "calc" bit? I remember.
And it was funny, Adam Sandler funny.
But let's be honest.
My people hate your people.
Oh.
You're talking about painters and floorers, not, like, Koreans and whatever I am, right? You're cute, but I better go.
My dad would kill me if he saw us together.
Food order number 72.
No, don't follow.
It's way too dangerous.
But I have to.
My nachos are up.
Okay, look, there's something I wanna try to really harness our attention.
I got just the thing for that.
Whoever's driving only gets half.
Dad, that's No.
Please.
Dad, come on.
This is different.
- Mine involves visualization.
- Now, my thing has that.
- Dad, can we try mine first, please? - Sure, Son.
Okay.
Now, we're gonna visualize.
Everybody close your eyes.
It's the final frame of the championships.
There we are, playing for that big, beautiful trophy.
I'm up.
Last frame.
I roll the ball.
Ooh.
It's a strike! - Way to go, Gare.
- Yeah, excellent.
Anybody else see the naked Indian? No.
No, Dad, just relax, okay? Everyone, keep your eyes closed.
Dennis, you're up.
Your turn to bowl, my friend.
Okay.
All right, it's my turn, and I've got my ball, and I'm ready to roll.
Then I hear Stuart's nose whistle.
- What? - Your nose whistles, man.
- My nose does not whistle.
- It always whistles, all right? Every time you sneeze, kids all over the city get out of the pool.
Yeah, well, you know what I visualize? Dennis' stupid orange gloves.
This is my look, all right? This is what I am known for in the lanes.
Dude, you're known for drinking other people's beer.
And wearing lipstick.
It's a balm, all right? And you know what I see? You standing over the hand dryer and having it blow up your shorts.
Nobody pays any attention to that.
Oh, yeah.
Nobody noticed the old smiling hippie straddling the ball return.
All right, come on.
Can we please just concentrate? I'm trying to get us ready for the Kims.
On the count of three, everybody just take a deep breath and relax.
One, two, three.
Did you hear it? - I definitely heard that.
- I heard that.
Sounds like the seven dwarfs are going to work.
Hey, you know what? Don't make fun of Stuart, because if there's a massive earthquake and we're all covered in rubble, it's that nose whistle that's gonna lead the rescue dogs to us.
You guys knew I had sinus issues when you asked me to join the team.
This isn't fun anymore.
I quit.
Whoa, Stuart, what are you doing? We're just kidding around.
You can't quit.
I need four people to fill out the team.
Sorry, Gary.
I'm hanging up my shoes.
I can eat at the Rusty Anchor any time I want.
That's not what we're playing for! - Well, it's over.
- No, no, no, no.
I want that trophy.
I just gotta figure out somebody else to put on the team in his place, that's all.
What about Allison? Dad, the only time I ever wanna hear that sentence is if we're in a life raft and someone has to go.
Well, we gotta get her or we gotta forfeit.
No.
We're gonna get that trophy somehow.
Hey, Brooks, I just called the Rusty Anchor and made your team a reservation for Saturday night.
- Thank you.
- Dennis! That's not what we're playing for.
Hey, don't worry, okay, Kim? 'Cause we're gonna be there Saturday, and we're gonna beat you.
Not with three players, you're not.
Oh, don't worry.
I got a fourth player.
And you better brace yourself, 'cause I'm unleashing hell itself on you.
- How is Allison? - She's good.
I'll tell her you asked.
Ella? God.
I can't believe it.
What are you doing here? - I wanted to see you.
- Oh.
I don't normally wear pajamas to bed.
Listen, I'm sorry for running out of the arcade, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and I wanted to make sure you were going to the bowling alley on Saturday.
Yeah, I'll be there.
But what about your dad? I don't care what he thinks.
I just want us to hang out.
You wanna come in for a second? Uh, no.
I have to be home before it gets dark out.
Yeah.
I gotta hit the rack pretty early, too.
I'm meeting with a Marine recruiter in the morning.
Tommy, what is that, your TV? Turn it off.
It's an hour past your bedtime! Bye.
- Good morning! - Oh, it was.
Oh.
"It was.
" Wow, somebody woke up on the funny side of the bed this morning.
Whoo.
Here, look, I got you a breakfast sandwich.
That's for you.
- Gary, what do you want? - Well, nothing.
You know, I was thinking about what you said the other day about wanting to be back on the bowling team.
No.
No, I said I was hurt.
I never said I wanted to be back on the team.
I know.
You're too proud to really admit it, but I'm gonna make it easy for you.
I've decided to allow you back onto the bowling team.
Why? What happened? Nothing.
I just knew how much it meant to you to be on the team, and now that we're playing the Kim brothers in the finals, we can win the championship, get that big trophy, I'm gonna let you be a part of that.
You're welcome.
Okay.
Well, forget it, Gary.
It's too late.
You didn't want me before.
Why would I do that now? Well, look.
Okay, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you here, and this This doesn't leave this house, okay? The team's not gelling like it used to and I'm thinking about cutting somebody loose.
I'm leaning towards Stuart.
- Stuart, really? - Yeah.
I think Dennis is the weak link there.
- No, I think I'm gonna cut loose Stuart.
- What about Jack? - I mean, Jack - It's gonna be Stuart, okay? Okay, you know what? Gary, you said you were having a lot more fun without me, you know, - so I don't wanna ruin that for you.
- No, no, no.
We had a lot of fun when you and I were on the same team.
- We had loads of fun.
- Gary, all we ever did was fight.
Fight? That was just harmless sports banter.
Okay, "If it wasn't for the kids, I would leave you" is harmless sports banter? Well, yeah, obviously, you've never spent time in a locker room, but Look, I need you back on the team, okay? Just come back on the team.
All right.
I will do it, as long as you admit that I am a better bowler than you.
It's a team sport, Allison.
- It's not about individual achievements.
- Say it.
Okay.
I'm a better bowler than you.
Well, have fun at the Rusty Anchor.
Enjoy the catfish legs.
Aw.
You're a better bowler than me, okay? Ah.
Thank you, thank you.
I will be there Saturday night.
But, please, would you get rid of Dennis? I'd like to finish a beer.
- It's gonna be Stuart! - Okay! Oh, my gosh, the Kims just bowled another strike.
- They're like machines.
- Maybe they are machines.
That would make a lot of sense.
Would it, Dad? Really? Your whole life would just get tied together if they were machines? You just sanitized the ball when you rolled it the last time.
Yeah, well, I don't know what happens to it once it disappears back there.
All right, here I go.
- Would you go already? Go! - What, what? Gary, this is my process.
I can't just pick up a ball Oh, you know what? This is not my ball.
Have you noticed the score, Brooks? I know painters aren't good at math, but our score is higher than yours.
You're gonna need a lot more than the highest score to beat us, Kim.
No, that's pretty much how it works, Dennis.
- I am on fire.
Whoo! - I wish you were.
- Ew, are these somebody's? - Those are mine.
Whoa! - Why didn't you say something? - I just said those were mine.
- You threw them in the garbage.
- You know what? - Stop whining.
It's your turn.
- I'm not whining.
It's my food.
You threw my Hey, Gary, can I give you some advice? - No.
- Look, I'm just trying to help, okay? We could still win this thing, but I think you need a lighter ball.
- I don't need a lighter ball.
I'm good.
- Gary, you know what? Men Men lose muscle mass when they get older, so Stop.
Just stop.
I don't need a lighter ball, okay? Oh, gosh! Look what you made me do now! You would have more control with a lighter ball.
I'll remember that the next time I decide to bludgeon you with something.
You know what, Gary? You should be thanking me, okay? I'm the only one that's keeping us alive here.
I am the best bowler you have.
You're right, Allison.
Thank you.
Thank you for making me miserable.
I can't bowl with you around.
I never could.
It's like you get inside my head and you annoy all the talent out the other side.
Well, why did you want me back on the team? I didn't! Stuart quit! - Oh, crap.
- Oh, crap.
Is the game over? 'Cause we weren't supposed to say that till the game's over.
So, what, did you just lie to me? I wanted that trophy so bad, I thought I could put up with you one night.
I was wrong.
Counting how many beers I've had, throwing away my food, sanitizing your ball, doing that stupid icky shuffle before every time you roll the ball.
- I should've just forfeited.
- Well, you know what? It's not too late.
Whoa, where are you going? What? Oh, no.
You know what? Why don't you stay? You're the queen of the lanes tonight.
You're the best bowler in the world.
- Oh - You stay, I'll leave, okay? But then what would we do without our brilliant coach? Well, you'd probably sanitize the whole lanes.
That's what you've been doing all night anyway.
You know what? If you wanna wallow in germs, be my guest! - Okay, I think I will! - Oh, that's nice.
Dog's rectum.
There it is.
Dog's rectum.
Look at him.
I used to be married to him.
Look, and he did the same Attention bowlers, would the party responsible for Tom Brooks please report to the arcade? The party responsible for Tom Brooks.
- Tom? - Oh, hey, Mom.
What happened? Well, I got my hand stuck in the claw machine.
Did you hear my name over the announcement? It's pretty cool.
Why are you trying to steal something out of the claw machine? It's not stealing, Mom.
I put all my money into this for that red teddy bear, but the claw wouldn't drop it.
What happened to you, Brooks? What, are you bowling or forfeiting? I'm dealing with my kid right now.
Why don't you leave me alone, all right? Whoa, this is your son? Why am I not surprised? What do you mean by that? He's confused by a machine with one button.
Don't make fun of him.
He was doing it for me.
- Ella? - I like him, Daddy.
- You're seeing Bobby Kim's daughter? - Yeah.
No, no, no.
You are not gonna go out with the son of a painter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa Excuse me, but are you saying that my son isn't good enough to go out with your daughter? If you're talking about the kid with his arm stuck in the machine, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Let me tell you something, Kim.
You can make fun of me.
You can make fun of my bowling team, my friends.
You can make fun of her all you want.
That's good.
But listen, when it comes to my kids, back off.
Yeah, that's right.
Our son is a bright young man who any girl would be lucky to go out with.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Is it loosening up at all? Because my point would have a better impact if you weren't stuck in a prize slot.
Just tell your son to stay away from my daughter.
You know what, Allison? Maybe we should put our fighting aside and take care of Kim Brothers Flooring.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
But then we're gonna pick up right where we left off, - right? - Oh, yeah.
Definitely.
What do you say, Kim? Let's get back out there and settle this with our balls.
You know what he meant.
You don't put live animals in here, do you? Something's licking my finger.
Getting the feeling back in your hand yet, Son? Yeah, my hand's still pretty sore.
You know, that's the last time I do anything stupid for a girl.
Well, after your next eight or nine stupid things that you do, you won't even bother saying that anymore.
Ella was really sweet, Tom.
You should've told us you were seeing her.
Yeah, that's probably over.
You didn't see the look on her face when the maintenance guy had to hold up a towel so I could pee in a bottle.
- You bowled a heck of a game, Allison.
- Oh, thank you.
Listen, I still only have three people on my team, and there's going to be a new league starting up.
Would you No, I'm not bowling on your team, Gary.
Thank God.
I can't believe we left with this lovely little piece of hardware.
It is beautiful.
Yeah, and no one expected us to walk away with that.
Yeah.
That's what the Kims get for leaving their van door open.