Get Smart (1965) s01e18 Episode Script
The Dead Spy Scrawls
WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING AGENT 46.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S LONG OVERDUE.
THE MESSAGE IN THE DROP SAID TO BRING $2,000 TO THIS BUS STATION AT 11:00 SHARP.
MAX, THERE'S 46.
HE'S USING THE SILENT SIGNAL SYSTEM.
- RIGHT.
I'VE GOT MY BOOK RIGHT HERE.
- GOOD.
NOW LET'S SEE TOUCHED HIS BRIM, RUBBED HIS LEFT ARM, AND HITCHED UP HIS PANTS.
WHAT DID HE SAY? HE WANTS ME TO STEAL SECOND BASE.
MAX, THAT'S THE SPY BASEBALL HANDBOOK.
OH, RIGHT.
I'VE GOT THE OTHER BOOK RIGHT HERE.
AH, HERE IT IS.
THE SIGNAL SAYS, "I THINK I'M BEING FOLLOWED.
BLUE ALERT.
ACT CASUAL AND DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME UNTIL MY NEXT SIGNAL.
" ( groans ) MAX, WAS HIS NEXT SIGNAL SUPPOSED TO BE A GROAN? NO.
MAX, LOOK! - MAX, IS HE? - YES.
LOOK, 99.
HE TRIED TO SCRAWL A MESSAGE IN THE WET CEMENT.
BETTER CALL THE CHIEF AND GET MEN DOWN HERE RIGHT AWAY.
- WE'LL NEED HELP.
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE EASY.
- FINDING THE KILLER? NO, GETTING THIS BLOCK OF CEMENT BACK TO CONTROL.
( theme music playing ) STRYKER, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NEVER BOTHER ME WHEN I'M IN A BIG-MONEY GAME? THAT'S IT, FITZBURG.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
NEVER TRY TO HUSTLE THE SHARK.
OKAY, FOLKS, CLOSING TIME.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
REMEMBER, THE FAMILY THAT PLAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.
- I TOOK CARE OF THAT CONTROL AGENT.
- GOOD.
BUT HE WAS MEETING ANOTHER AGENT WHO I RECOGNIZED-- MAXWELL SMART.
- WELL, I'VE NEVER COME ACROSS HIM.
- YOU NEVER WILL.
I'M GOING BACK TO THAT BUS STATION, PICK UP HIS TRAIL, AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I'LL KILL HIM.
- ( bell rings ) - Shark: THERE'S THE SIGNAL.
WE'VE INTERCEPTED ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM CONTROL.
I'LL GET IT OUT OF THE MACHINE.
GET THE DRAPES.
AH.
FIVE LEFT, THEN EIGHT.
I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, SHARK, NOBODY WOULD EVER FIGURE THE MACHINE WAS IN THERE.
WOULDN'T DO 'EM ANY GOOD IF THEY DID.
IF ANYBODY TRIED TO OPEN IT WITHOUT THE PROPER COMBINATION, THEY'D BE BLASTED SKY-HIGH.
I WONDER WHAT AGENT 46 WANTED WITH THIS $2,000.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THIS MESSAGE IN THE CEMENT WILL TELL US.
HE WAS WORKING UNDERCOVER, LOOKING FOR A NEW ELECTRONIC BRAIN THAT KAOS HAD SET UP.
- AN ELECTRONIC BRAIN? - YES, A MACHINE THAT THEY'VE BEEN USING TO INTERCEPT AND DECODE OUR SECRET MESSAGES.
HMM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE IT'S LOCATED? ACCORDING TO OUR EXPERTS, IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE NEAR CONTROL HEADQUARTERS.
AND BECAUSE OF ITS MECHANICAL COMPLEXITY, IT'S GOT TO BE LARGE AND HEAVY.
- THEN IT CAN'T BE MOVED.
- RIGHT.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, CHIEF.
IF YOU'RE READY, LET'S ANALYZE THAT MESSAGE AGENT 46 WAS TRYING TO WRITE, HMM? - GO AHEAD, PARKER.
- WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE SHORTHAND WRITING HE LEARNED IN TRAINING SCHOOL, AND ITS PURPOSE.
IT'S A SECRET SCRAWL TO BE USED BY WOUNDED SPIES WHO WANT TO LEAVE US A MESSAGE OR A CLUE BEFORE THEY DIE.
THE TRANSLATION'S HERE ON THIS CHART-- "THE DEAD SPY SCRAWLS.
" ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS MATCH THE SYMBOLS ON THE CEMENT WITH THE SYMBOLS ON THE CHART.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
UH, LET'S SEE.
THIS MATCHES THE SIXTH BOX IN THE THIRD ROW.
- THAT'S THE LETTER "P.
" - AND THE NEXT SYMBOL MATCHES THE ONE IN THE FOURTH BOX IN THE SECOND ROW.
THAT'S THE LETTER "I.
" P-I.
- P-I - I THINK I'VE GOT IT, CHIEF.
IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE, PARKER.
YOU SEE, THE ELECTRONIC BRAIN IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINE ISLANDS.
- WRONG.
- WRONG.
- PAID INFORMER.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- THE OTHER SYMBOL STANDS FOR A WASHINGTON TELEPHONE NUMBER.
THAT'S WHY AGENT 46 WANTED THE MONEY.
THIS INFORMER MUST HAVE INFORMATION ABOUT KAOS'S ELECTRONIC BRAIN.
- FOLLOW THIS UP, MAX.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
( phone rings ) - YEAH? - THIS IS MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86, OF CONTROL.
DID YOU TRY TO CONTACT ONE OF OUR AGENTS TONIGHT AND SELL HIM SOME INFORMATION ABOUT A DECODING MACHINE? - COULD BE.
YOU INTERESTED? - Yes.
BE AT THE SAME BUS STATION TOMORROW NIGHT AT 10:00.
HAVE THE 2,000 BUCKS WITH YOU.
- WELL, HOW WILL I KNOW YOU? - YOU WON'T.
THE OTHER AGENT WAS KNOCKED OFF, AND I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.
YOU WEAR A RED CARNATION, AND I'LL CONTACT YOU NEAR THE NEWSSTAND.
Right.
YOU GONNA STAND THERE ALL NIGHT OR ARE YOU GONNA BUY SOMETHIN'? THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO NOTICE THE CARNATION.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
HOW DO WE HANDLE THIS? JUST LIKE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HANDLED.
I HAND YOU THE MERCHANDISE, YOU GIVE ME THE MONEY.
YES, THIS IS A PERFECT FRONT.
UH, WHAT'LL I BUY? WHAT DO YOU WANT? NEWSPAPER? KEYCHAIN? HOW ABOUT GUM? VERY CLEVER.
WHERE IS IT? WHERE WOULD IT BE? - IN THE WRAPPER.
- NOW, LISTEN.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE ANY CHANCES.
I GIVE YOU 500 NOW, AND THE REST WHEN I SEE IF THE GUM IS THERE.
OH, THE GUM IS THERE, ALL RIGHT.
WAIT, THERE'S NOTHING BUT GUM IN HERE.
THAT MAN'S MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
HE'S NOT THE INFORMER.
OKAY.
READY TO SELL.
- MAKE IT SNAPPY.
WHERE'S THE MONEY? - NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
ONE MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE ALREADY.
I'M NOT PAYING ANOTHER RED CENT UNTIL I HAVE DEFINITE PROOF THAT YOU'RE THE REAL INFORMER.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE ( groans ) ( gunshot ) THE BRAIN.
WHERE IS THE BRAIN? SHARK POOL M-MOTHER.
HELLO, THIS IS 86 CALLING CONTROL.
THIS IS 86 CALLING CONTROL.
COME IN, CONTROL.
HELLO, CHIEF? MAX.
THE INFORMER'S JUST BEEN KILLED, BUT HE LEFT US A CLUE.
AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY A CENT FOR IT.
NO, I DON'T HAVE THE ENTIRE $2,000.
I HAVE 1500 OF IT.
WELL, OF COURSE I DIDN'T LOSE IT, CHIEF.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID? I SPENT THE OTHER 500 FOR A PACKAGE OF GUM.
"SHARK, POOL, MOTHER.
" "SHARK, POOL, M--" WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
I THINK I'VE GOT A LEAD.
WELL, I HOPE SO, MAX.
WE'VE BEEN AT IT FOR HOURS.
NOW, LOOK.
"SHARK" IS A FISH, AND "POOL" IS A BODY OF WATER, AND "MOTHER" IS A LADY PARENT.
"FISH, WATER, PARENT.
" NOW, IF WE CAN JUST FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS, WE'VE GOT IT.
I THINK WE'D BETTER GO BACK TO "SHARK, POOL, MOTHER.
" WAIT A MINUTE.
MY HOBBY IS PLAYING POOL, AND I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
LOOK, CHIEF, THIS IS NO TIME TO PLAY POOL.
WE'RE WORKING ON A CASE.
ONE OF THE BEST POOL PLAYERS IN TOWN IS A MAN KNOWN AS THE SHARK, AND HE RUNS A PLACE CALLED "MOTHER'S FAMILY POOL PARLOR.
" JUST WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHIEF? WELL, IF THE SHARK IS A KAOS MAN, IT'S JUST POSSIBLE THAT THE DECODING MACHINE COULD BE HIDDEN IN MOTHER'S FAMILY POOL PARLOR.
THEN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT IF THE SHARK IS A KAOS MAN, THEN THE DECODING MACHINE-- MAX! THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
WE'LL NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP THE SHARK OCCUPIED LONG ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER AGENT TO SEARCH FOR IT.
A MAN LIKE THE SHARK COULD NEVER RESIST THE CHALLENGE OF A GAME WITH A GOOD POOL PLAYER.
WELL, I'M YOUR MAN, CHIEF.
THIS IS MY ASSIGNMENT.
MAX, THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
YOU'D BE ON THE SPOT, WALKING A TIGHTROPE, POSSIBLY FACING A VIOLENT DEATH.
AND LOVING IT.
ALL RIGHT, MAX, IF YOU INSIST.
FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR POOL? DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, CHIEF.
I KNOW THE GAME INSIDE AND OUT.
I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
EVERYTHING IS ORGANIZED AND READY TO GO, MAX.
PARKER IS WORKING ON SOME SPECIAL EQUIPMENT FOR YOU, AND WE'VE SENT FOR THE ARCHITECT'S BLUEPRINTS OF THE POOLROOM TO SEE WHERE THE MACHINE MIGHT BE HIDDEN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, CHIEF.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF MY END.
THIS IS WILLIE MARCONI, ONE OF THE BEST POOL EXPERTS IN THE COUNTRY.
- HOW DO YOU DO? - NICE TO MEET YOU.
I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU CAN TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY A GOOD GAME, WILLIE.
I CAN TEACH ANYONE.
THE CHIEF HAS GOT IT A LITTLE WRONG, WILLIE.
YOU SEE, I HAPPEN TO BE AN EXPERT AT THIS GAME.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAPPEN TO BE THE POOL CHAMPION OF THE ENTIRE EAST COAST.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? THE ENTIRE EAST COAST.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE WEST COAST? I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT STEUBENVILLE, OHIO? DO YOU USE POWDER? NO, I'VE ALWAYS FOUND IT A LITTLE EFFEMINATE.
FOR YOUR HANDS, TO CUT DOWN ON THE FRICTION.
LET THE POOL CUE SLIDE EASILY THROUGH YOUR FINGERS, LIKE THIS.
OH, THAT KIND OF POWDER.
OF COURSE I USE IT.
( Willie cries out ) WELL, WILLIE, HOW'S IT GOING? WELL, KEEP TRYING.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET A GAME STARTED.
- RIGHT.
I HAVE A COUPLE OF SHOTS THAT'LL KNOCK YOUR EYE OUT.
I'LL BET YOU HAVE.
THAT IS THE CUE BALL.
NOW YOU KNOCK THAT BALL INTO THE BALLS IN THIS RACK.
( clacks ) AFTER I REMOVE THE RACK.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, WILLIE.
CHIEF, I THINK WILLIE IS A LITTLE ACCIDENT-PRONE.
WAIT'LL YOU SEE THIS SHOT, CHIEF.
THIS IS REALLY A BEAUTY.
SEE, I'M GONNA HIT DOWN ON THE CUE BALL, MAKE IT CURVE AROUND THE 12 BALL, GO INTO THE 8 BALL, AND KNOCK THE 8 BALL RIGHT IN THE SIDE POCKET.
MAX, YOU MIGHT BREAK THE CUE STICK.
DON'T BE SILLY, CHIEF.
I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK THE CUE STICK.
MM! YOU SEE, CHIEF? I TOLD YOU I WASN'T GONNA BREAK THE CUE STICK.
THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
MAX, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A GOOD POOL PLAYER, BUT YOU'RE A FAKE AND A FRAUD! YOU HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST NOTION OF HOW TO PLAY POOL! JUST WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, CHIEF? CHIEF, I THINK WILLIE HAS ONE OF YOUR HEADACHES.
THANKS ANYWAY, WILLIE.
SEND ME A BILL FOR THE DAMAGES.
Max: SO LONG, WILLIE.
I TOLD YOU HE WAS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
HERE'S THE SPECIAL EQUIPMENT FOR SMART, AND I REALLY HAVE SOME GOODIES THIS TIME.
HE WON'T NEED IT.
I'M TAKING MAX OFF OF THIS ASSIGNMENT.
HE DOESN'T KNOW A THING ABOUT SHOOTING POOL.
- OH, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.
- 99: NO.
PARKER'S DEVISED A REMOTE-CONTROL CUE BALL SO MAX CAN MAKE ANY SHOT ON THE TABLE.
GOOD WORK, PARKER.
THAT MAY BE OUR ANSWER.
MAX MUST WIN THAT FIRST GAME SO THAT THE SHARK WILL CHALLENGE HIM TO A SECOND GAME.
RIGHT.
THAT WAY I CAN WHY? SO 99 WILL HAVE TIME TO LOOK FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
THAT'S DIRTY POOL.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE THAT COUNTS, IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME.
- MAX! - HERE'S THE CUE BALL.
AND IN MY LIPSTICK IS A TRANSISTOR REMOTE CONTROL.
NOW, REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'VE HIT THE CUE BALL AND IT'S IN MOTION, I CAN MANEUVER IT ANYWHERE.
GO AHEAD, MAX.
- PERFECT.
- THANK YOU.
FOR YOUR PROTECTION, SMART, I'VE MADE A CUE STICK THAT IS ACTUALLY A SHOTGUN.
A CUE STICK THAT'S A SHOTGUN? THAT'S FANTASTIC, PARKER.
HOW DOES IT WORK? WELL, TO LOAD IT, YOU BREAK IT OPEN IN THE MIDDLE.
WELL, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO LOAD IT IN A HURRY.
THAT'S A REGULAR CUE STICK, SMART.
HERE'S THE SHOTGUN.
YOU OPEN IT LIKE THIS, PLACE THE SHELL IN LIKE THIS, AND YOU CLOSE IT LIKE THIS, AND YOU'RE READY TO GO.
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS INGENIOUS, PARKER.
BUT, UH, HOW DO YOU FIRE IT? SIMPLY HIT THE RUBBER TIP ON THE BACK END.
- OH.
GOTCHA.
- YOU'RE ALL SET, MAX.
I CERTAINLY AM, CHIEF, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THAT KAOS DECODING MACHINE WILL BE RIGHT HERE IN CONTROL.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST WARM UP A LITTLE BIT.
HEY, I LIKE THE WAY YOU HANDLE YOURSELF, KID.
I DO ALL RIGHT.
TELL THAT TO THE SHARK WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
- WHY THE SHARK? - WELL, I'M LOOKING FOR A GAME.
$1000 A BALL.
- I'M THE SHARK.
- ( bell rings ) OH, I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T PLAY RIGHT NOW.
SORRY, FOLKS.
CLOSING TIME.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, FOLKS? I CHALLENGED HIM TO A GAME, AND HE REFUSED.
LOOKS TO ME LIKE THE SHARK IS CHICKEN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SHARK? YOU AFRAID OF HIM? THE SHARK ISN'T AFRAID OF ANYONE.
I ACCEPT.
( snaps fingers ) YOU WANT TO FLIP FOR BREAK? ALL RIGHT, SHARK, YOU CAN BREAK 'EM.
RACK 'EM UP, FITZBURG.
NOT BAD, SHARK.
THERE WON'T BE A BALL LEFT ON THE TABLE.
NICE TRY, SHARK, BUT YOU FORGOT TO ALLOW FOR THE WIND.
I'M MAKING A SHOT.
AMAZING.
THE ONLY MAN I EVER SAW MAKE THAT KIND OF A SHOT WAS THE GREAT POOL CHAMPION THREE-FINGERS YARMEY.
UH, YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I, UH, JUST STOLE IT OFF HIM LAST WEEK.
"LAST WEEK"? HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR SIX YEARS.
OH.
GOOD.
WHAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WON'T HURT HIM.
THAT'S MAXWELL SMART, THE CONTROL AGENT I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
- NOW WATCH THIS.
- I'LL GET HIM.
NOT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE WITNESSES.
I'LL FINISH THE GAME FAST, GET RID OF THE PEOPLE, THEN YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM.
BEAUTIFUL.
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
THOSE ARE THE COMBINATION NUMBERS FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
EH, IT'S A MILLION TO ONE.
I'M SHOOTING AGAIN.
- ( excited chatter ) - 99: MAX, THE BRAIN! MAX, LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A GUN IN HIS BRIEFCASE! ( people scream ) YOUR STICK IS EMPTY, SMART.
YOU TRY ANYTHING, SHE GOES FIRST.
MAX, MY LIPSTICK.
TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE.
( whispers ) MAX! HE'S OUT COLD, MAX.
I KNOW.
I HOPE HE HASN'T SUFFERED A LOSS OF MEMORY.
HE OWES ME $13,000 FROM THE POOL GAME.
- OH, HI, CHIEF.
- MAX, THE ASSIGNMENT IS OVER.
WE'VE GOT THE SHARK.
WE'VE GOT THE DECODING MACHINE.
- THERE'S NO NEED TO PLAY POOL ANY LONGER.
- I KNOW, CHIEF, BUT I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF PRACTICING, AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOT I TRIED TO MAKE ONCE WHERE I MAKE THE CUE BALL GO AROUND ONE BALL AND KNOCK THE OTHER BALL INTO THE POCKET? I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
MAX, PLEASE.
WE'VE JUST PUT A NEW CLOTH ON THE TABLE.
DON'T BE SILLY, CHIEF.
I'M NOT GOING TO RIP THE CLOTH.
TSK.
MAX! ( theme music playing )
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S LONG OVERDUE.
THE MESSAGE IN THE DROP SAID TO BRING $2,000 TO THIS BUS STATION AT 11:00 SHARP.
MAX, THERE'S 46.
HE'S USING THE SILENT SIGNAL SYSTEM.
- RIGHT.
I'VE GOT MY BOOK RIGHT HERE.
- GOOD.
NOW LET'S SEE TOUCHED HIS BRIM, RUBBED HIS LEFT ARM, AND HITCHED UP HIS PANTS.
WHAT DID HE SAY? HE WANTS ME TO STEAL SECOND BASE.
MAX, THAT'S THE SPY BASEBALL HANDBOOK.
OH, RIGHT.
I'VE GOT THE OTHER BOOK RIGHT HERE.
AH, HERE IT IS.
THE SIGNAL SAYS, "I THINK I'M BEING FOLLOWED.
BLUE ALERT.
ACT CASUAL AND DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT ME UNTIL MY NEXT SIGNAL.
" ( groans ) MAX, WAS HIS NEXT SIGNAL SUPPOSED TO BE A GROAN? NO.
MAX, LOOK! - MAX, IS HE? - YES.
LOOK, 99.
HE TRIED TO SCRAWL A MESSAGE IN THE WET CEMENT.
BETTER CALL THE CHIEF AND GET MEN DOWN HERE RIGHT AWAY.
- WE'LL NEED HELP.
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE EASY.
- FINDING THE KILLER? NO, GETTING THIS BLOCK OF CEMENT BACK TO CONTROL.
( theme music playing ) STRYKER, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NEVER BOTHER ME WHEN I'M IN A BIG-MONEY GAME? THAT'S IT, FITZBURG.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
NEVER TRY TO HUSTLE THE SHARK.
OKAY, FOLKS, CLOSING TIME.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
REMEMBER, THE FAMILY THAT PLAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.
- I TOOK CARE OF THAT CONTROL AGENT.
- GOOD.
BUT HE WAS MEETING ANOTHER AGENT WHO I RECOGNIZED-- MAXWELL SMART.
- WELL, I'VE NEVER COME ACROSS HIM.
- YOU NEVER WILL.
I'M GOING BACK TO THAT BUS STATION, PICK UP HIS TRAIL, AND WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I'LL KILL HIM.
- ( bell rings ) - Shark: THERE'S THE SIGNAL.
WE'VE INTERCEPTED ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM CONTROL.
I'LL GET IT OUT OF THE MACHINE.
GET THE DRAPES.
AH.
FIVE LEFT, THEN EIGHT.
I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU, SHARK, NOBODY WOULD EVER FIGURE THE MACHINE WAS IN THERE.
WOULDN'T DO 'EM ANY GOOD IF THEY DID.
IF ANYBODY TRIED TO OPEN IT WITHOUT THE PROPER COMBINATION, THEY'D BE BLASTED SKY-HIGH.
I WONDER WHAT AGENT 46 WANTED WITH THIS $2,000.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THIS MESSAGE IN THE CEMENT WILL TELL US.
HE WAS WORKING UNDERCOVER, LOOKING FOR A NEW ELECTRONIC BRAIN THAT KAOS HAD SET UP.
- AN ELECTRONIC BRAIN? - YES, A MACHINE THAT THEY'VE BEEN USING TO INTERCEPT AND DECODE OUR SECRET MESSAGES.
HMM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE IT'S LOCATED? ACCORDING TO OUR EXPERTS, IT MUST BE SOMEWHERE NEAR CONTROL HEADQUARTERS.
AND BECAUSE OF ITS MECHANICAL COMPLEXITY, IT'S GOT TO BE LARGE AND HEAVY.
- THEN IT CAN'T BE MOVED.
- RIGHT.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, CHIEF.
IF YOU'RE READY, LET'S ANALYZE THAT MESSAGE AGENT 46 WAS TRYING TO WRITE, HMM? - GO AHEAD, PARKER.
- WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE SHORTHAND WRITING HE LEARNED IN TRAINING SCHOOL, AND ITS PURPOSE.
IT'S A SECRET SCRAWL TO BE USED BY WOUNDED SPIES WHO WANT TO LEAVE US A MESSAGE OR A CLUE BEFORE THEY DIE.
THE TRANSLATION'S HERE ON THIS CHART-- "THE DEAD SPY SCRAWLS.
" ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS MATCH THE SYMBOLS ON THE CEMENT WITH THE SYMBOLS ON THE CHART.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
UH, LET'S SEE.
THIS MATCHES THE SIXTH BOX IN THE THIRD ROW.
- THAT'S THE LETTER "P.
" - AND THE NEXT SYMBOL MATCHES THE ONE IN THE FOURTH BOX IN THE SECOND ROW.
THAT'S THE LETTER "I.
" P-I.
- P-I - I THINK I'VE GOT IT, CHIEF.
IT'S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE, PARKER.
YOU SEE, THE ELECTRONIC BRAIN IS LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE PHILIPPINE ISLANDS.
- WRONG.
- WRONG.
- PAID INFORMER.
- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
- THE OTHER SYMBOL STANDS FOR A WASHINGTON TELEPHONE NUMBER.
THAT'S WHY AGENT 46 WANTED THE MONEY.
THIS INFORMER MUST HAVE INFORMATION ABOUT KAOS'S ELECTRONIC BRAIN.
- FOLLOW THIS UP, MAX.
- RIGHT, CHIEF.
( phone rings ) - YEAH? - THIS IS MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86, OF CONTROL.
DID YOU TRY TO CONTACT ONE OF OUR AGENTS TONIGHT AND SELL HIM SOME INFORMATION ABOUT A DECODING MACHINE? - COULD BE.
YOU INTERESTED? - Yes.
BE AT THE SAME BUS STATION TOMORROW NIGHT AT 10:00.
HAVE THE 2,000 BUCKS WITH YOU.
- WELL, HOW WILL I KNOW YOU? - YOU WON'T.
THE OTHER AGENT WAS KNOCKED OFF, AND I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES.
YOU WEAR A RED CARNATION, AND I'LL CONTACT YOU NEAR THE NEWSSTAND.
Right.
YOU GONNA STAND THERE ALL NIGHT OR ARE YOU GONNA BUY SOMETHIN'? THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO NOTICE THE CARNATION.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
HOW DO WE HANDLE THIS? JUST LIKE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN HANDLED.
I HAND YOU THE MERCHANDISE, YOU GIVE ME THE MONEY.
YES, THIS IS A PERFECT FRONT.
UH, WHAT'LL I BUY? WHAT DO YOU WANT? NEWSPAPER? KEYCHAIN? HOW ABOUT GUM? VERY CLEVER.
WHERE IS IT? WHERE WOULD IT BE? - IN THE WRAPPER.
- NOW, LISTEN.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE ANY CHANCES.
I GIVE YOU 500 NOW, AND THE REST WHEN I SEE IF THE GUM IS THERE.
OH, THE GUM IS THERE, ALL RIGHT.
WAIT, THERE'S NOTHING BUT GUM IN HERE.
THAT MAN'S MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
HE'S NOT THE INFORMER.
OKAY.
READY TO SELL.
- MAKE IT SNAPPY.
WHERE'S THE MONEY? - NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
ONE MISTAKE HAS BEEN MADE ALREADY.
I'M NOT PAYING ANOTHER RED CENT UNTIL I HAVE DEFINITE PROOF THAT YOU'RE THE REAL INFORMER.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE ( groans ) ( gunshot ) THE BRAIN.
WHERE IS THE BRAIN? SHARK POOL M-MOTHER.
HELLO, THIS IS 86 CALLING CONTROL.
THIS IS 86 CALLING CONTROL.
COME IN, CONTROL.
HELLO, CHIEF? MAX.
THE INFORMER'S JUST BEEN KILLED, BUT HE LEFT US A CLUE.
AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY A CENT FOR IT.
NO, I DON'T HAVE THE ENTIRE $2,000.
I HAVE 1500 OF IT.
WELL, OF COURSE I DIDN'T LOSE IT, CHIEF.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID? I SPENT THE OTHER 500 FOR A PACKAGE OF GUM.
"SHARK, POOL, MOTHER.
" "SHARK, POOL, M--" WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
I THINK I'VE GOT A LEAD.
WELL, I HOPE SO, MAX.
WE'VE BEEN AT IT FOR HOURS.
NOW, LOOK.
"SHARK" IS A FISH, AND "POOL" IS A BODY OF WATER, AND "MOTHER" IS A LADY PARENT.
"FISH, WATER, PARENT.
" NOW, IF WE CAN JUST FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS, WE'VE GOT IT.
I THINK WE'D BETTER GO BACK TO "SHARK, POOL, MOTHER.
" WAIT A MINUTE.
MY HOBBY IS PLAYING POOL, AND I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
LOOK, CHIEF, THIS IS NO TIME TO PLAY POOL.
WE'RE WORKING ON A CASE.
ONE OF THE BEST POOL PLAYERS IN TOWN IS A MAN KNOWN AS THE SHARK, AND HE RUNS A PLACE CALLED "MOTHER'S FAMILY POOL PARLOR.
" JUST WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, CHIEF? WELL, IF THE SHARK IS A KAOS MAN, IT'S JUST POSSIBLE THAT THE DECODING MACHINE COULD BE HIDDEN IN MOTHER'S FAMILY POOL PARLOR.
THEN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT IF THE SHARK IS A KAOS MAN, THEN THE DECODING MACHINE-- MAX! THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
WE'LL NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP THE SHARK OCCUPIED LONG ENOUGH FOR ANOTHER AGENT TO SEARCH FOR IT.
A MAN LIKE THE SHARK COULD NEVER RESIST THE CHALLENGE OF A GAME WITH A GOOD POOL PLAYER.
WELL, I'M YOUR MAN, CHIEF.
THIS IS MY ASSIGNMENT.
MAX, THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
YOU'D BE ON THE SPOT, WALKING A TIGHTROPE, POSSIBLY FACING A VIOLENT DEATH.
AND LOVING IT.
ALL RIGHT, MAX, IF YOU INSIST.
FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR POOL? DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, CHIEF.
I KNOW THE GAME INSIDE AND OUT.
I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
EVERYTHING IS ORGANIZED AND READY TO GO, MAX.
PARKER IS WORKING ON SOME SPECIAL EQUIPMENT FOR YOU, AND WE'VE SENT FOR THE ARCHITECT'S BLUEPRINTS OF THE POOLROOM TO SEE WHERE THE MACHINE MIGHT BE HIDDEN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, CHIEF.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF MY END.
THIS IS WILLIE MARCONI, ONE OF THE BEST POOL EXPERTS IN THE COUNTRY.
- HOW DO YOU DO? - NICE TO MEET YOU.
I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU CAN TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY A GOOD GAME, WILLIE.
I CAN TEACH ANYONE.
THE CHIEF HAS GOT IT A LITTLE WRONG, WILLIE.
YOU SEE, I HAPPEN TO BE AN EXPERT AT THIS GAME.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAPPEN TO BE THE POOL CHAMPION OF THE ENTIRE EAST COAST.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? THE ENTIRE EAST COAST.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE WEST COAST? I DON'T THINK SO.
HOW ABOUT STEUBENVILLE, OHIO? DO YOU USE POWDER? NO, I'VE ALWAYS FOUND IT A LITTLE EFFEMINATE.
FOR YOUR HANDS, TO CUT DOWN ON THE FRICTION.
LET THE POOL CUE SLIDE EASILY THROUGH YOUR FINGERS, LIKE THIS.
OH, THAT KIND OF POWDER.
OF COURSE I USE IT.
( Willie cries out ) WELL, WILLIE, HOW'S IT GOING? WELL, KEEP TRYING.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET A GAME STARTED.
- RIGHT.
I HAVE A COUPLE OF SHOTS THAT'LL KNOCK YOUR EYE OUT.
I'LL BET YOU HAVE.
THAT IS THE CUE BALL.
NOW YOU KNOCK THAT BALL INTO THE BALLS IN THIS RACK.
( clacks ) AFTER I REMOVE THE RACK.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, WILLIE.
CHIEF, I THINK WILLIE IS A LITTLE ACCIDENT-PRONE.
WAIT'LL YOU SEE THIS SHOT, CHIEF.
THIS IS REALLY A BEAUTY.
SEE, I'M GONNA HIT DOWN ON THE CUE BALL, MAKE IT CURVE AROUND THE 12 BALL, GO INTO THE 8 BALL, AND KNOCK THE 8 BALL RIGHT IN THE SIDE POCKET.
MAX, YOU MIGHT BREAK THE CUE STICK.
DON'T BE SILLY, CHIEF.
I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK THE CUE STICK.
MM! YOU SEE, CHIEF? I TOLD YOU I WASN'T GONNA BREAK THE CUE STICK.
THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
MAX, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A GOOD POOL PLAYER, BUT YOU'RE A FAKE AND A FRAUD! YOU HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST NOTION OF HOW TO PLAY POOL! JUST WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, CHIEF? CHIEF, I THINK WILLIE HAS ONE OF YOUR HEADACHES.
THANKS ANYWAY, WILLIE.
SEND ME A BILL FOR THE DAMAGES.
Max: SO LONG, WILLIE.
I TOLD YOU HE WAS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
HERE'S THE SPECIAL EQUIPMENT FOR SMART, AND I REALLY HAVE SOME GOODIES THIS TIME.
HE WON'T NEED IT.
I'M TAKING MAX OFF OF THIS ASSIGNMENT.
HE DOESN'T KNOW A THING ABOUT SHOOTING POOL.
- OH, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.
- 99: NO.
PARKER'S DEVISED A REMOTE-CONTROL CUE BALL SO MAX CAN MAKE ANY SHOT ON THE TABLE.
GOOD WORK, PARKER.
THAT MAY BE OUR ANSWER.
MAX MUST WIN THAT FIRST GAME SO THAT THE SHARK WILL CHALLENGE HIM TO A SECOND GAME.
RIGHT.
THAT WAY I CAN WHY? SO 99 WILL HAVE TIME TO LOOK FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE, CHIEF.
THAT'S DIRTY POOL.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE THAT COUNTS, IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME.
- MAX! - HERE'S THE CUE BALL.
AND IN MY LIPSTICK IS A TRANSISTOR REMOTE CONTROL.
NOW, REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'VE HIT THE CUE BALL AND IT'S IN MOTION, I CAN MANEUVER IT ANYWHERE.
GO AHEAD, MAX.
- PERFECT.
- THANK YOU.
FOR YOUR PROTECTION, SMART, I'VE MADE A CUE STICK THAT IS ACTUALLY A SHOTGUN.
A CUE STICK THAT'S A SHOTGUN? THAT'S FANTASTIC, PARKER.
HOW DOES IT WORK? WELL, TO LOAD IT, YOU BREAK IT OPEN IN THE MIDDLE.
WELL, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO LOAD IT IN A HURRY.
THAT'S A REGULAR CUE STICK, SMART.
HERE'S THE SHOTGUN.
YOU OPEN IT LIKE THIS, PLACE THE SHELL IN LIKE THIS, AND YOU CLOSE IT LIKE THIS, AND YOU'RE READY TO GO.
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS INGENIOUS, PARKER.
BUT, UH, HOW DO YOU FIRE IT? SIMPLY HIT THE RUBBER TIP ON THE BACK END.
- OH.
GOTCHA.
- YOU'RE ALL SET, MAX.
I CERTAINLY AM, CHIEF, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THAT KAOS DECODING MACHINE WILL BE RIGHT HERE IN CONTROL.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST WARM UP A LITTLE BIT.
HEY, I LIKE THE WAY YOU HANDLE YOURSELF, KID.
I DO ALL RIGHT.
TELL THAT TO THE SHARK WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
- WHY THE SHARK? - WELL, I'M LOOKING FOR A GAME.
$1000 A BALL.
- I'M THE SHARK.
- ( bell rings ) OH, I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T PLAY RIGHT NOW.
SORRY, FOLKS.
CLOSING TIME.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, FOLKS? I CHALLENGED HIM TO A GAME, AND HE REFUSED.
LOOKS TO ME LIKE THE SHARK IS CHICKEN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SHARK? YOU AFRAID OF HIM? THE SHARK ISN'T AFRAID OF ANYONE.
I ACCEPT.
( snaps fingers ) YOU WANT TO FLIP FOR BREAK? ALL RIGHT, SHARK, YOU CAN BREAK 'EM.
RACK 'EM UP, FITZBURG.
NOT BAD, SHARK.
THERE WON'T BE A BALL LEFT ON THE TABLE.
NICE TRY, SHARK, BUT YOU FORGOT TO ALLOW FOR THE WIND.
I'M MAKING A SHOT.
AMAZING.
THE ONLY MAN I EVER SAW MAKE THAT KIND OF A SHOT WAS THE GREAT POOL CHAMPION THREE-FINGERS YARMEY.
UH, YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I, UH, JUST STOLE IT OFF HIM LAST WEEK.
"LAST WEEK"? HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR SIX YEARS.
OH.
GOOD.
WHAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WON'T HURT HIM.
THAT'S MAXWELL SMART, THE CONTROL AGENT I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
- NOW WATCH THIS.
- I'LL GET HIM.
NOT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE WITNESSES.
I'LL FINISH THE GAME FAST, GET RID OF THE PEOPLE, THEN YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM.
BEAUTIFUL.
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
THOSE ARE THE COMBINATION NUMBERS FOR THE DECODING MACHINE.
EH, IT'S A MILLION TO ONE.
I'M SHOOTING AGAIN.
- ( excited chatter ) - 99: MAX, THE BRAIN! MAX, LOOK OUT! HE'S GOT A GUN IN HIS BRIEFCASE! ( people scream ) YOUR STICK IS EMPTY, SMART.
YOU TRY ANYTHING, SHE GOES FIRST.
MAX, MY LIPSTICK.
TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE.
( whispers ) MAX! HE'S OUT COLD, MAX.
I KNOW.
I HOPE HE HASN'T SUFFERED A LOSS OF MEMORY.
HE OWES ME $13,000 FROM THE POOL GAME.
- OH, HI, CHIEF.
- MAX, THE ASSIGNMENT IS OVER.
WE'VE GOT THE SHARK.
WE'VE GOT THE DECODING MACHINE.
- THERE'S NO NEED TO PLAY POOL ANY LONGER.
- I KNOW, CHIEF, BUT I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF PRACTICING, AND I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOT I TRIED TO MAKE ONCE WHERE I MAKE THE CUE BALL GO AROUND ONE BALL AND KNOCK THE OTHER BALL INTO THE POCKET? I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
MAX, PLEASE.
WE'VE JUST PUT A NEW CLOTH ON THE TABLE.
DON'T BE SILLY, CHIEF.
I'M NOT GOING TO RIP THE CLOTH.
TSK.
MAX! ( theme music playing )