Melissa & Joey s01e18 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
There! Done with the wedding favors.
Oh, look at you.
Who knew you were so skilled at attaching bows to useless crap? Ha! You're right.
Listen, I intend to throw my cousin Emily the best damn lesbian wedding ever! For under $5,000.
Wow, if that were a reality show, I'd definitely watch anything else.
Why are you going to all this trouble for a cousin you never see? Because I'm a nice person who does nice things for people all the time.
Especially when a crowd gathers.
Okay, which do you think is better-- chocolate cake or vanilla? Um, it's a wedding, so, you know, I'd go with vanilla.
Mmm, yeah, good thinking.
Make that.
No no, I'm not gonna do this just for a couple of strangers.
Oh, they're here! - Melly! - Emmy! - And this is Bianca.
- Biancy! Get in here.
You're family now-- or about to be.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe you're doing all this-- The ceremony, the decorations.
You're just so-- so-- Selfless, generous, fabulous? You don't have to pick just one.
Emily told me you're doing everything yourself.
Not everything.
I'm making the cake.
Hi, I'm Joe! C'mere, you two.
Come on.
Yeah, oh yeah.
What? They're family.
Hot hot family.
- it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
So anybody can make an okay wedding cake, but to make a great wedding cake, you need the secret ingredient.
Love? Scaffolding.
Ryder, forget the cake.
This wedding video should make a statementent about gay marriage and how our intolerant society refuses to accept it.
We could totally stick it to all the homophobic weasels.
Okay, honey, just make sure you get my good side.
Hey, Joe, you want to see a picture of Emily naked? Oooh, you know I do.
Yep.
Th-- this is a baby.
She's in a diaper.
Yeah, but who's the cuter baby next to her? it's me, baby Mel! I'm just looking for good pictures for the slideshow.
- Oh, is that the school play? - Yeah, I was Peter Pan and she was Nana the dog-- well, the back end of the dog.
Oh, and here we are at our camp swim meet.
I got first place.
She got pink eye.
I'm seeing a pattern here, Burke.
You were always the star and she was basically The dog's ass.
Yeah, but despite that, we were like sisters.
You know? Until puberty.
That's where she finally came in first.
Oh! Yeah, wow.
No offense there, Burkey, but she left you in the dust there.
That's dust with a double "D".
And yet I still beat her out for prom queen.
Uh, with love and respect, um, how? Uh, well, she was suspended from school and banned from the prom.
I mean, it wasn't anything I did, you know, or planted in her locker that the principal found, like Schnapps.
I see.
So that's why you're doing all this.
- 'Cause you still feel guilty.
- A little.
And I want the whole family to see that Mel Burke has changed.
So I am unselfishly giving Emily the greatest gift one woman can give another.
A kidney? I'm letting her get married before me.
And if she ever needs a kidney She can die knowing she got married first.
That is every dead girl's dream.
And the napkin color is selected.
It's ivory by a landslide.
Suck it, peach.
Alright, Who wants to go outside and talk flower placement? Oh, I would love to.
Sweetie? Uh, whatever you want.
I'm sure it'll be beautiful.
Oh, I see you found Mrs.
Right.
Look at you, getting all married before me.
- Looking good.
- Oh, you think it looks good now, wait till you see it with the frosting on it.
'Cause the frosting will be the icing on the cake.
Must be hard to focus on your work with all these hot women in the house.
Yeah, it's hard, but, you know, I find a way to soldier on.
You know, I wouldn't mind having a hot guy in my house.
Actually the most important thing about making a cake is these four dowels because it prevents the top tier from-- Hands! Did I get a little close there? Uhh, maybe.
Bianca, Emmy wants you out there to approve centerpiece placement.
And by that I mean nod at what she's already decided.
Isn't that what marriage is all about? Oh, look, cake toppers.
I had to buy two full sets and throw away the grooms.
Bianca just hit on me.
Very funny.
I'm serious.
She just put her hands on me.
Bianca? And you're clear on what a lesbian is? I thought so.
Okay, show me on the bride where the bad lady touched you.
I'm serious, all right? She just touched me.
People touch people all the time.
Wow, you really have an unbelievable ego.
Wha-- I-- I have an unbelievable ego? You're the one making this whole day about you! I mean, you know, "come on, have your wedding at my house! Look at all the amazing things I'm doing for you.
"Check out my hot nanny.
" And what exactly is it you want me to do about this figment of your imagination? Tell the bride! The-- the other bride! No way! No, and ruin my special day? --Their special day? You saw what she did, didn't you? - Morning.
- Hey.
Twinkle lights for the trellis.
Anything else I can do? No no no, everything's handled.
So how many of these cards have you done? Ugh, a few-- million.
I'm getting a little hand crampy.
Oh, you poor thing.
Here.
- How's that? - It feels great.
It's not just the muscles in your hand.
Tension can start in your wrist, your forearms.
No, I think the tension's staying way down here where it's safe.
It can radiate up to your shoulders and your neck-- your lovely neck.
Hands hands! So you've never been with a woman? Nope never.
Nope, not even in college with my friend Renee.
Um, I'd better String the lights.
Wow, everything you're doing looks wonderful.
My my my, it just-- it really looks great.
Yes it does, yes it does! Bianca just hit on me.
- God, you're competitive.
- No, I swear! She tried the whole, you know, "you look tense, "let me give you a hand massage.
" Ugh! I don't usually fall for that-- sober.
Relax, Burke, because unlike certain people, I believe you.
And watch how I'm not going to say, "I told you so!" Whoops.
I'm sorry I was dismissive before.
- You gotta tell Emily now.
- Man, but what about the wedding I'm throwing for Emily to show my family I'm a good person? A good person would save her cousin from this man-eater.
Woman-eater.
People-eater.
We're here with Emily Burke, lesbian-American, on the day of her commitment ceremony with her partner.
Now tell us, how angry are you that so many people in the world refuse to acknowledge the validity of your gay love? Oh, all of our friends are coming.
They've been nothing but supportive.
- I just wish my parents were here.
- Aha! Stuck in an older generation's intolerance.
No.
No, they're just stuck in traffic.
So tell us the story of how you and Bianca met.
Was it a protest rally? Did the cops tear gas you? Uh, not quite.
It was a singles mixer at our church.
Strangely there was tear gas.
- Really? - No no, I was just trying to give you something.
For God's sake.
Ryder, cut.
I'm sorry.
We're getting nothing.
Hey, we watch the WNBA all the time.
Don't patronize me.
So I can use Lennox's room to change? Yeah.
you know, your clothes, your mind, whatever you want.
God, I'll never be able to thank you for all of this.
You've done everything to make it the perfect day.
Yeah, uh-huh, well, is anything ever really perfect? The love Bianca and I have for each other comes pretty close.
Love's a funny thing, you know? You could love someone and they could love Touching other people? - I'm not sure I follow you.
- I'm just saying if you wanted to call off the whole wedding, I would not be mad that all my work was for nothing.
Okay, spit it out, Mel.
You haven't been this evasive since Schnappsgate.
- Bianca made a pass at Joe.
- She did what? I'm sorry.
She, you know, she-- grabbed him in his grabby parts-- well, the hind ones.
No no, this must be a mistake.
Bianca's a very physically expressive person.
Besides, she is not into guys.
It's one of the things that brought us together.
Well, she, uh, yeah, she kinda made a pass at me too.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
You can't stand it when someone else has the spotlight.
Ever since that summer when I developed before you did.
God, I can't believe this.
You're more obsessed with breasts than I am - and I'm crazy for those puppies.
- No, Emily! I'm just trying to protect you.
Please don't go through with this.
I am getting married before you.
Deal with it.
Now can we just forget we ever had this conversation? Ooooh.
Well, I told Emily and she didn't believe me.
So that's it? We just give up? Let Emily marry this cheater? This crazy hot cheater? What are we supposed to do? We can't convince her without proof.
Wait a minute.
What if we put a video camera up in your room and then we can lure Bianca in, get her to make a pass, catch it on tape-- bang! So to speak.
A hidden camera? Oh, come on! Hey, it worked in "American Pie.
" But you can't argue with that.
That's historical fact.
Okay, all right, we'll use me as bait.
What-- you? No, look, if we want this plan to work, I need to be the bait.
What? I'm a woman.
I'm lesbait.
Look, she came on to me first and I rejected her.
You were the rebound pass.
You know what? We don't have time to argue.
I'll go get the camera and you can be the peanut butter in the trap.
Everybody loves peanut butter.
That's it.
We interviewed everybody and got nothing.
One bigot-- is that too much to ask? Yeah.
Damn supportive wedding guests.
Uh, hey, are you guys running this show? Yeah, are you with the bride or-- the other bride? I'm the caterer.
I got a van full of chicken Kiev.
Wait, brides? Is this one of those same-sex jobs? Roll camera.
We were wondering if you could expand a bit on your feelings? If you have anger, we want to hear it.
Don't hold back.
Gay weddings, go.
I don't like 'em.
Yeah, but if you're making money off of something you don't believe in, aren't you being a hypocrite? Huh, aren't you? You're kinda putting me on the spot here.
No, you put yourself on the spot.
By catering this wedding, you're encouraging this.
Wow, you're right.
I really wish you hadn't told me that.
I feel like I'm a disgrace to catering.
Yes! Man, we nailed it.
We turned over a rock and exposed raw prejudice.
I totally made him squirm.
No, you totally made him leave! With all the food for the whole wedding! Don't blame me.
Blame ignorance and intolerance.
Yeah well, since neither one of them seems to be here, I'm gonna blame you.
Hey, all right.
So what do you think? If you were hot and a lesbian, would you get all over this? What do you mean, "if I were hot"? Stay with me, all right? Stay with me.
How's this? Hey, Bianca.
That might make me gay.
Just the outfit is trying too hard.
You know? What about your purple Henley? Yeah, 'cause you know, it's fitted, but not too tight and it really brings out your eyes.
I mean, that's just a statement of fact.
It's in no way an endorsement.
You like the Henley, huh? Not that much.
Okay.
So the camera is linked to my laptop so I'll be able to monitor all the action.
Well, not the action-action.
Just the pre-action.
Please don't at any point get to the action.
I got it, I got it.
Get outta here, will you? Send her in.
Oh yeah, I'd ride this ride.
Peanut butter.
Oh! Excuse me.
Mel told me this room was available.
It is.
Very available As well as anything you see in it.
Let me take that dress for you.
I'll just hang it up over here.
Smooth, Longo.
What are you doing in here? Anything you want me to be doing.
For instance I could help you with that bag.
I can just put it right over here.
Can I help you with anything else? 'Cause I can take care of anything you could possibly need With a very gentle touch.
Well, I guess there is one thing you could do for me.
Yeah? Please leave so I can get ready.
But are you-- are you sure? - Bye.
- Well, 'cause I-- I got other shirts! Ahem.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's like she was immune to my powers of seduction.
You mean like she's gay?! - You think you can do better? - I know I can.
- Watch and learn.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute! You're gonna go upstairs wearing that? Of course you're gonna do great.
You look-- Okay in that.
Just go seduce the lesbian and stop your cousin's wedding! 'Sup, girlfriend? --of Emily.
Not much.
Just getting married.
- What's up with you? - I-I-- I just came up here to look for something.
I think I left it on the bed over here.
Well, can you help me find it? - What are we looking for? - Oh, it's Oh, I found it.
It's the light in your eyes.
It does something to me.
You did not just say that.
I can't stop thinking about how you asked me if I've ever been with a woman.
And no, I haven't.
Yeah, you told me that this morning.
Well, now the thought is under my skin like an itch and I just-- I thought maybe you could scratch it.
Meow.
Um, Mel, it's my wedding day.
I know.
It makes it even hotter, doesn't it? I know you've got all sorts of issues, but could you maybe take them downstairs? No, I don't have issues.
I, uh I just came to help, you know? If you needed anything zipped, - or unzipped - Yeah, goodbye, Mel.
Okay.
Oh, you know you want it.
Is it possible we're not as hot as we think we are? I guess it's possible.
I mean, she had a shot at this.
And that.
We're here for hair and makeup.
Can you tell us where we find Bianca? Oh yeah, right up those stairs.
First door.
Well, I'd better go apologize to Emily.
- I feel just awful.
- Hey look, if it's any consolation, if I saw you in a bar and I didn't know you and you didn't speak or interact with me in any way, I would probably hit that.
Aw, thanks.
And if I saw you in a bar I'd be all "who's looking after the kids?" No, seriously, you look fine.
Okay, we're in major trouble.
Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to piss off the caterer! - He was a bigot.
- Get over it! Well, I called every other catering place in town.
- They laughed at me.
- We can always order a bunch of pizzas.
This is a wedding, not a super bowl party! Pizzas aren't classy enough.
Unless-- unless you cut them into little squares and call them pizzettas.
I watch a lot of "Top Chef.
" Everybody's outside.
We can talk in here.
Fine! What is it? Who did Bianca feel up now? My grandma was looking kinda happy.
Oh no, Bianca didn't do anything.
It turns out the whole thing was in our minds.
Well, mostly in Joe's.
- I'm sorry.
- You should be sorry.
Just let me get this off my chest before you walk down the aisle.
- There's more? - We thought we needed proof so Joe and I took a camera-- mostly Joe-- and put it in my bedroom and we tried to get Bianca to hit on us so that you could see it for yourself.
- You bitch! - I know, I know.
You have every right in the world to say that.
Not you, Bianca! Oh my-- With the hair guy?! And the makeup girl.
And on my brand-new duvet.
Oh, I am gonna kill her.
Well-- not on the duvet.
Where the heck is she go-- hello! No, that's not how you turn it off.
No, I'm just trying to zoom in here.
Hold on.
Boy, canceling the wedding sure throws a wrench in the honeymoon.
Hey, you should still go on the cruise.
- By myself? - Yeah sure! Maybe you'll meet somebody nice.
A whole boatful of like-minded ladies.
- To a whole new start.
- Oh, thank you, mMlly.
And I'm so sorry I didn't believe you about Bianca.
I understand.
I don't have the best track record.
But I really was just looking out for you.
I know you were.
And hey, you know what? You could still beat me to the altar.
I doubt it.
There isn't anybody I can see that happening with.
Ladies, can I offer you some pizzettas? If you like them, I have 5,000 more of these in the kitchen.
By the way, I loaded up your car with the first round of presents, okay? Even the one that was-- vibrating.
Thank you, Joe.
That's my That's my toothbrush.
I'm just gonna go turn it off now.
Oh, I feel terrible about what happened, like I'm somehow responsible.
Wow, you even grab the credit when things go wrong.
You're right, Joe.
I'm selfish.
Always have been, always will be.
Yep, you are probably the most selfish person I've ever met.
I mean, look at you-- you took your sister's two kids in, turned your life completely upside down, and every day you work tirelessly to make the city a better place to live.
Same old party-girl Burke.
I don't even know how you live with yourself.
Really? You think I'm okay? Eh.
You know, this cake really is a thing of beauty.
Yeah, thank you.
Sturdy as a rock too.
You won't be able to knock that thing over-- go ahead, give it a try.
Good luck.
Wow, as fun as that sounds, I actually prefer to eat my cake.
First of all, you have to cut the cake correctly.
I know how to cut a cake.
Obviously you don't know how to cut a cake, because you were trying to cut it, but it was not correct.
You need to cut it like a pie, so look, you go in like this, then you scoop it up under.
Perfect.
Boom! Just like that.
- All right, let's see.
- Give it a taste, go ahead.
Huh? What? What's the matter? It's not very moist.
Not moist? What are you talking about? - Here, try.
- It's perfectly moi-- You know what? No, you're wrong.
That's actually very very moist.
The thing about it is, um, I just don't think you had a big enough bite, see?