Mighty Med (2013) s01e18 Episode Script

Are you kidding me?! You are the worst.
I hate you! Kaz, don't yell at Tecton.
If you want a superhero to punch you you could just ask me.
No, no, he's talking to the TV.
We're watching football.
One of the players on Kaz's fantasy football team just fumbled.
What's a fantasy football team? Is that football with elves and dragons? That would be awesome, but no, in fantasy football, participants draft a roster of football players whose game performances correspond into points in various statistical categories.
Incredible how you could explain all that, but you couldn't remember to put on shoes today.
He's wearing shoes.
Yes, because he took mine.
Yeah, by the way, would it be too much to ask for you to buy shoes in my size, please? Man, you can be so selfish sometimes.
This fantasy football thing sounds fun.
No, it's the worst.
I never win, and I hate losing.
I wish there was a fantasy league about something I was more an expert at.
( Sneezes ) Nice save, Tecton.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
I should start a fantasy superhero league.
I'll give points for normos saved and villains captured.
And I'll totally win, because nobody knows as much about comic books as me.
Uh, I do.
That's why my first act as commissioner is to ban you from the league.
That's not fair.
Neither is taking other people's shoes, but you don't see me not doing that.
Hey, where are my boots? You got a problem, man.
Every day's an adventure you never know by the looks on our face At the school when we enter Leave class early, work at 3:30 Hit the comic store, read up before the journey All these new issues and superpowers If we didn't have to work, we'd be here for hours Everybody say that we shouldn't worry But have you ever seen superheroes on a gurney? Will we save the world today? you never know will we all be safe today? you never know will we fly away or stay? you never know but you know we're mighty med, team up and let's go! Saving people that save people after classes We flip the page then jump to action They call us normo, normally fantastic Seeing superheroes that we only imagined This type of life, you got to have fight Put up your fists and fight for what's right Never can tell, what we see is out of sight Do the same thing tomorrow that we did tonight Will we save the world today? You never know, will we all be safe today? You never know, will we fly away or stay? You never know, but you know we mighty med Team up and let's go! In this fantasy league, heroes earn points for things like normos rescued, structures saved, villains thwarted, and meteors deflected.
All of this information is making my embarrassingly tiny head hurt.
I have a headache this big.
Although I wish it was this big.
I don't like this whole thing.
Being a superhero is about selflessly protecting the universe, and not about ranking or recognition.
You're just saying that because I rated you so low.
No, I'm not.
Heroes should be judged on Wait.
How low are we talking about? Zero.
You don't have any powers.
I rated you lower than sitting duck.
His only power is to become a target.
Not even a moving target.
And I told you I didn't want to be a part of your stupid league well, we needed one more team, so like it or not, you're playing.
And since you refuse to draft, I'm putting all the lamest superheroes on your team.
So far, you have pencil man, sitting duck, and blurry girl.
Oh, no, it's the icicle.
He flew too close to the sun.
Ooh, I think we found your next pick.
Go, go, go, go! Touchdown! Yes! Well, I'm glad somebody read my memo about cheering when I enter a room.
No, I was excited because I just saw an amazing play.
Oh, I love the theater.
Except the actors, the sets, and the audiences.
I guess I mean I love intermissions.
Uh, no, I'm watching football, and before you take that literally, I did not mean a ball made out of feet.
I wasn't thinking that.
Now I can't think of anything but that.
Just watch with me and I'll explain it to you.
Right now, I'm watching the cardinals destroy the titans.
How can a titan, an all-powerful deity, be destroyed by a cardinal, a tiny seed-eating bird? Are you mad? You're so easily confused.
How can you run a hospital? Forget football.
I'm too busy to waste my time watching some silly, pointless.
Ooh! That enormous man is doing a celebratory dance on that colorful grass.
Oh, and that striped fella just threw out a yellow hanky.
What is this enchanting entertainment? This is football.
Then I love football! Wow! Look what I created.
My league is a huge success.
- I know, it's a miracle.
- ( Giggles ) On my planet, miracle means public toilet.
Which stinks.
I'm saying this stinks.
Kaz.
Thank you for drafting me and rating me so high.
You're all right in my book.
A book is something from back in my day.
It's like an e-reader but made of paper.
No, thank you, Captain Atomic.
When you stopped Sonic Shriek from destroying the Eiffel Tower, my team got points for villains thwarted, and structures saved.
Now I'm in first place, just a tiny bit ahead of Philip.
Don't listen to him.
Your head is huge.
You're just sayin' that.
Dude, I just heard you traded me.
Sorry, Tecton.
Look, you're great at thwarting villains.
Thwarting is your thing.
You thwart well.
But you don't earn enough points in other categories.
So I traded you to the Philip's head screwdrivers for the Crusher.
So you value me the same as Glen Crushman? Fine, "Crusher.
" You and the Crusher are not the same value.
He's valued way higher.
To take you, Philip made me throw in solar flare, and your boots.
I really do have a problem.
What's going on here? Oliver and I have been watching an exciting game of normo football.
Two teams battle it out for four quarters.
There's an incredible number of commercials about pickup trucks and potato chips.
Uncle Horace, you were supposed to help me learn how to count past 79.
That will have to wait.
Oliver is quite the expert on football, and he's teaching me everything he knows.
I can teach you.
I know way more than Oliver does.
( Derisive chuckle ) You know more about football than I do? Of course.
Anything a normo can do, I can do better.
Pssh! Pssh!! See? I can even scoff better than you.
Tell you what.
Let's see who knows the most knowledge stuff about football knowledge stuff by having a knowledge stuff game.
You mean a trivia contest? That's what I said.
But with, like, seventy-ten more words than you.
Fine.
I'm in.
Oh, I'm in, too.
And when the trivia game's over, I want someone to dump a giant tub of sports drink on my head.
Okay, Alan, I'm so sure I'll win, I'll take Horace on my team, and you can pick anyone you want as your partner.
But you are going down.
Down where? To the graveyard under the wreck room? Stay away from there.
It's very damp.
Also, there's tons of dead bodies down there.
Let's make it interesting.
If Horace and I win, you can't use any of your powers for a month.
And if my team wins, then you You have to sing a song in front of everyone about how inferior normos are.
- Fine.
- A song? If you need a disco cover band to back you up, here's our card.
Horace and the headless Horace men? All the other guys in the band have no heads.
Ninth place? Man, why did I trade for the Crusher the week before his wedding? Guy's so distracted.
This just in: A Ferris wheel in Iowa has slipped off its axle, and is careening out of control.
I'll handle this.
See, this is what being a superhero's all about a sense of nobility and sacrifice.
Forget that.
If I do this, I'll get, like, 50 normo rescues.
This is what you get for trading me, Kaz.
You're goin' down.
And not to the graveyard.
It's a sports metaphor.
I can't let Tecton get these points.
Hey, uh, Captain A.
Tecton's been telling everyone that he's the best superhero.
And if he saves this Ferris wheel, it'll kinda prove it.
Also, he said your yo-yo is atomically lame.
What?! We'll see who the best superhero is.
All: I am! Great.
Now everyone is so worried about how they rate, they're all gonna try to save that Ferris wheel.
What if there's another disaster? Please.
What are the odds of another disaster about to happen right at this moment? This just in.
Another disaster is about to happen right at this moment.
The villain Sonic Shriek has threatened to destroy the Benjamin Franklin bridge in downtown Philadelphia.
Don't worry.
There are other superheroes in the world.
I'm sure someone is on their way to stop sonic shriek.
This just in.
No one is on their way to stop Sonic Shriek.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with the superhero fantasy league.
This just in.
Our sources report that it's all the result of some new superhero fantasy league.
Check it out.
I was kind of on the news.
I just heard the most horrible news imaginable.
A bridge is in danger.
Where are all the superheroes? What are you talking about? There are, like, ten invisible superheroes right here.
Incognito, say hello to Horace.
( British accent ) Hello, Horace.
It's me, incognito.
I'm right here.
Just a little too far away to shake your hand.
Incognito! Splendid! Go downtown right away and save that bridge.
Ah, yes, sir.
I'm on my way.
Yeah, he's gone.
I'm so relieved.
Excuse me, pardon me.
Non-invisible doctor coming through.
Well, it looks like you and I are going to save that bridge, since there's no one here to do it.
( Scoffs ) What am I, invisible chopped liver? See? Bridge is fine.
Obviously, the superhero came and stopped Sonic Shriek.
Never mind.
Skylar Storm.
Well, word is that you've lost your powers.
Who's your sidekick? You need him to hold your purse? This is mine, and it's not a purse, it's a messenger bag.
I got a message for ya.
Looks like a purse.
Why are you attacking the Benjamin Franklin bridge? Because It's named after an inventor, just like the Eiffel Tower.
Before Sonic Shriek was a villain, he was an inventor.
I was working He was working on creating perpetual energy from sound, but one of his inventions malfunctioned, giving him his deadly Sonic Shriek.
After that He vowed to destroy any monument named after an inventor, no matter how many lives he destroys in the process.
Hey, she asked me! I can still beat you, Sonic Shriek, even without powers.
There's a storm coming, Skylar Never mind.
You've wasted my time.
You know what happens when someone wastes my time? - I - Get angry and shriek? Stop finishing my sentences.
It was a rhetorical question.
Tecton! When I heard you two were in danger, I came as soon as I could.
Finally, a hero not obsessed with stats or rankings.
Actually, I need the normo rescues because that stupid runaway Ferris wheel was empty.
Stop right there! They're my normo rescues, Tecton.
Tactless, two-timing, turncoat.
Can everybody please stop fighting so I can destroy this bridge in peace? Now, in two minutes, down goes the bridge, with you two and the superheroes under it.
Is there a fantasy villain league, because whoever has you on his team will be getting a lot of points for this.
I'll just sit over here.
I'm ready for the trivia contest.
I've spent hours and hours memorizing all the state capitals.
This is a football trivia contest.
In that case, I won't be much help.
So where's Alan? Know what? He probably chickened out.
Can't say I blame him.
That's Adrian Peterson.
Yep, the six-time all-pro running back for the vikings.
What? He looks nothing like a barbaric norse war-mongering sea farer.
Where's his red beard, and his funny hat with the horns? It's called a spangenhelm.
- That's Adrian Peterson.
- Uh-huh.
You told me I could pick any teammate I wanted, and I picked him.
I thought you said I was going to the hospital to lift the spirits of children.
What? We're in a hospital.
And I'm a child.
And if I win the trivia contest, you will have lifted my spirits.
But more importantly, you will have crushed his.
I do like crushing people.
Hello! I'm Philip, and welcome to who knows more about football knowledge stuff him or him? Let's learn a little bit about today's contestants.
Good idea, because I don't even know this weird kid's name.
Okay, first question for Oliver and Horace.
- ( Buzzer buzzes ) - Sacramento.
Let me ask the question first.
What player holds the record for most touchdown passes in a single season? Adrian Peterson.
I'm sorry, the correct answer is Peyton Manning.
Like that's a real name.
Next question for Alan and that guy.
Who led the NFL in rushing yards in the 2012 season? - ( Buzzer ) - I did.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The correct answer is Adrian Peterson.
He is Adrian Peterson, you blockhead.
This is a sphere.
Do you know nothing about shapes? But the judges will allow your answer.
Next question.
The longest pass in super bowl history was how many yards? Adrian Peterson.
Oh, we were looking for a number, and that is a person.
The answer is 85.
Eighty-five.
Like that's a real number.
Next question for Alan's team.
What running back ( Buzzer ) Adrian Peterson.
That is correct.
I'm joining their team.
He's activated the device.
We've only got two minutes.
I'm Kaz.
I have a great idea.
A fantasy superhero league.
I'll finally win at something, and then get crushed by a collapsing bridge.
That sounds nothing like me.
Sounds a little like incognito, but nothing like me.
Sometimes you make me so angry, I could scream.
Wait.
That just gave me an idea.
Look at me.
I'm Sonic Shriek.
My only power is screaming like a four-year-old.
That doesn't sound anything like me.
It does sound a little like incognito, but nothing like me! I'll show you real power.
I can't turn this thing off.
There's less than a minute left.
Thirty seconds.
Here, Captain Atomic, fly this out of range.
To the outer range.
( Explosion ) Oh, put a sock in it.
Hey, those are my socks.
Yeah.
How do you like it? Doesn't feel very good, does it? Listen, Skylar, I never should've rated you zero.
You're amazing even without your powers.
Thanks.
And I hope that you learned your lesson about your stupid superhero league.
I did.
Never should've started it, 'cause you're winning now.
Huh? I drafted you onto your own team.
And today, you defeated a villain, saved a structure, and rescued a normo and two superheroes.
You're in first place.
Take that, loser.
I'm number one.
I'm number one! Okay, I erased Adrian Peterson's memory of Mighty Med and sent him on his way, but I got his autograph first.
You may have erased more than just his memory of Mighty Med.
He signed this, "who am I?" I still can't believe I lost.
You didn't lose.
You got creamed! Seventy-12 to nothing.
I told you I knew more than him.
Don't worry, Oliver.
I know how to make you feel like a winner.
I'll dump sports drink on your head.
This is the worst day ever.
It's about to get even worse.
You have to sing this song I wrote.
Fine.
Alan, Alan, you're the best He's the best, better than the rest You really rock the sweater vest He rocks that vest on his chest Alan's Uncle who's named Horace Who is Horace? Me, of course I'm a normo, I'm pathetic And my costume is magnetic Wait, what? I love football!