Murphy Brown s01e18 Episode Script

You're predicting a continued decline in the savings and loan industry? Clearly, we're headed toward consolidation of a large portion of it.
I believe, in the end, the nation's financial system will emerge stronger than ever before.
Survival of the fittest in an economic jungle.
Thank you, Dr.
Keller.
We'll be back with a wrap-up after this.
And we're clear.
Okay, everybody.
Remember the new closing.
- Jim will say: - "This is another edition of FYI.
" And while credits roll, I want you to get up act casual, start chatting in a friendly manner.
Let's show the audience we are more than colleagues.
We're buddies.
- This idea stinks.
- Are we getting paid extra for this? - Are you through, Frank? - I'm through.
All right, look alive, people.
Here we go.
Coming back in five, four, three, two: Be with us next week when Murphy Brown interviews New York Mayor Ed Koch Frank Fontana investigates fraud in the FDA and Corky Sherwood goes to dinner with the Van Patten family.
Till then, this has been another edition of FYI.
Good night.
All right.
Now's where you go into your happy talk.
So, Jim, how would you like to join me after the show? We can get a bite to eat, then beat up Miles in the parking lot.
Yes, that sounds excellent.
We can throw a blanket over him.
- He'll never know who it was.
- I really enjoyed your interview, Murphy.
I didn't think an economist could be so fascinating.
Yeah, he's fascinating, all right.
We're talking major-league hunk.
If he's got the principal, I've got the interest.
And we're out.
Nice show, people.
Go spend a little quality time with your loved ones.
So, Miles, was that friendly enough for you? I can't believe what you did.
You had to fool around.
- You couldn't do it straight like I asked.
- What are you making such a big deal about? You called Dr.
Keller a hunk.
It went out live.
What? How can that be? We took our mikes off.
Corky, what's that? Oh, no.
Come on.
I never use the word "hunk.
" It's not even part of my vocabulary.
Nobody watches those end credits.
They're in the kitchen getting something to eat.
Come on, how many of you people watch those credits? Oh, sure.
You just wanna see your names, that's why.
You never liked my idea, did you? At the meeting, all week, you had to fight me.
Well, now you're being punished.
Maybe you'll remember this the next time you choose to scorn one of my ideas that I work late into the night to come up with, often missing dinner, skipping meals canceling a date with Vicki "I'll-do-anything-for-a-promotion" Anderson.
I hope you're happy.
Another day at the crazy lady's.
Good morning, handiwork.
Papa's home.
- Eldin.
Eldin, let me in.
- Who is it? Come on.
Open the door, Eldin.
My feet are cold.
I'm gonna tell you something right now.
I've had it with old man Swensen.
He swiped my newspaper again.
You know, he thinks he can just Just a minute, here.
I got your paper.
I guess I'll have to replace his car antenna.
They were out of your favorite Colombian blend so I got your second favorite: Cinnamon mocha decaf.
Which brings me to a subject I'd like to discuss with you.
Now, I know you've become very used to this little morning ritual of ours.
But I think it's about time you invested some of those big bucks you supposedly make into a decent coffeemaker.
Styrofoam cups are not biodegradable.
I don't know how much longer I can participate in this careless disregard for the environment.
Not to mention, it spilled all over my truck.
Great.
Nothing about last night.
Nothing at all.
- You didn't hear a word I said.
- Sorry, what? Forget it.
Here.
Let's sit back and celebrate the moments of our lives.
The funnies.
I love the funnies.
Especially Mary Worth.
You know, that old broad's full of good advice.
What? This new cartoon, Bullseye, cracks me up.
Today, there's this lady in this tight cowgirl outfit.
She's chasing this guy with a lasso in one hand and a microphone in the other.
She says, "I got a hankering for a hunk.
" - Eldin, may I see that, please? - In due time.
I'm not finished yet.
- But I really wanna see it.
- You've got a whole paper there.
Give me that.
Oh, no.
"The Adventures of Mouthy Brown"? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
The hair.
The mouth.
That real big head.
That could be you.
It is you.
I can't believe this.
It doesn't even look like me.
What kind of hair is that? And nobody's mouth is that wide.
This O'Shea guy can't even draw.
Oh, I can see why you're mad.
He drew everything big but your chest.
Well, this is an interesting challenge.
I have two choices: I can let it bother me or I can be flattered.
I'm flattered.
You don't see him lampooning Lesley Stahl.
I'm more well-known.
When you get to be in my position you have to develop a sense of humor about these things.
Well, I guess I better get ready for work.
Good morning, Murphy.
Did you happen to see today's paper? Yes, I did, Jim.
And, as I've already explained to Craig, the parking attendant Ernie, the janitor, and Murray at the newsstand, I'm okay with it.
- In fact, I thought it was funny.
- Oh, good for you.
I have to admit, I thought it was funny.
You, a floozy in hot pants, chasing some Adonis with your lariat.
Darn, it just tickled me.
And your lips, like some giant plunger.
Well, Murphy, I edited "hunk" from the West Coast edition.
- None of the critics picked up on it.
- I guess you don't read the funnies.
- What's with him? - You didn't see it? - See what? - No big deal.
Pat O'Shea, that cartoonist at The Post is getting some mileage out of last night's show.
This is terrible.
- "The Adventures of Mouthy Brown.
" - It's okay, Miles.
You can laugh.
I did.
Murphy, you must be furious.
I was just downstairs in the coffee shop reading the newspaper, and there it was.
Your face, like some giant blowfish in every paper in this country.
Look at the size of that mouth.
It's okay, Corky.
I can dish it out.
I can take it.
If you expect to be in this business a while, you better be able to laugh at yourself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of research to do.
Hi, Corky.
Hi, Miles.
Hi, Mouthy.
Gee, I kind of hoped to see you in your cowgirl outfit today.
I guess you'd need a 20-gallon hat for that head.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? For the last time, I am not bothered by this.
If you wanna know the truth, I'm honored.
It's not every day you get to hang out with Dick Tracy.
In fact, if I were home, this would go on my refrigerator.
Now if you'll excuse me Mouthy Brown has work to do.
Ms.
Brown, I'm Jerry Barden.
I'm the new secretary you asked for.
- Hi, Jerry.
Nice to meet you.
- Thanks.
I read that cartoon about you in the paper.
I didn't know you had that reputation.
I don't.
It's a joke.
Teasing.
Right.
So, Jerry, come on.
Busy day.
Now that I've got you here, let's start with some dictation in my office.
Murphy, you missed a good night last night.
Brinkley and I met Roger Mudd at the Press Club.
We must've laughed all night.
- Roger Mudd laughed? - You would've loved it.
The way he was describing those cartoons of you.
Brinkley was laughing so hard, beer came out of his nose.
- Gee, Jim, I'm sorry I missed it.
- What was it David said? Oh, yes.
"How many Murphy Browns does it take to ensnare the 6th Fleet?" Jim, I'm kind of busy.
You know, Murphy, there was a time when you wouldn't have taken this so well.
You certainly are setting a standard of behavior for the young people around here.
I'm awfully proud of you.
Two.
One to man the life raft and the other to set the ships on fire.
Jerry, I'm behind on my profile of Larry McMurtry.
- We've gotta stay late tonight.
- Oh, boy.
Ms.
Brown, I think we have to have a talk.
- Why? What's the problem? - I've noticed the way you look at me.
Like yesterday.
When you asked me to get the file on the shuttle program.
The file in the bottom drawer, so I'd have to bend over to get it.
- Jerry.
- Look, Ms.
Brown I know you're a big star, and I know you're used to getting what you want but when I finally give myself to a woman it's going to be for love.
But I do love you, Jerry.
And I'm not wearing any underwear.
Hold the elevator! - Hi, Murph.
- Hi, Frank.
I wanna show you something.
Look.
I was lucky.
It was the last one.
I thought you'd wanna have it as a souvenir.
- Frank, could you close the door? - Sure.
I can't stand it! I make one slip on TV one slip in 10 years, and suddenly I'm the laughingstock of broadcasting.
What's wrong with people? I got awards, Frank.
Citations.
Now all they wanna do is look at this stupid cartoon! What's the matter with them?! - Is this a bad time? - I've had criticism and bad press but this O'Shea guy takes the cake.
If I wanted this kind of ridicule and abuse I could've run for vice president.
Hey, Frank, Murphy, I thought you'd appreciate this.
This is too great.
I just got a call from the affiliate in Miami.
He wants to know if Murphy would be a judge for the Mr.
Swimsuit contest.
What's so funny, Miles? I don't think that's funny.
The only thing I think is funny is the image of you eating a T-shirt 42 long, all cotton.
That's funny! - Is it the 18th already? I've had it with these moronic cartoons.
I thought I could be a good sport, but I've learned something.
Beat it! I'm not a good sport.
I am a bad sport.
I am a very, very, very bad sport.
The only thing left for me to do is to call up this O'Shea character and meet him.
Now, wait a minute.
If you go in there with your guns blazing you'll give this guy more ammunition to use against you.
Will you give me a little credit? I want him to meet me, get to know me.
He'll see there's a real person here.
Not just some bigger-than-life personality.
It's hard to take shots at someone you like.
You're forgetting something.
What you described requires a certain amount of self-control on your part.
I have self-control.
I do.
Good morning.
Pat O'Shea, please.
Hi, Phil.
That crazy Beetle Bailey.
It's okay, Phil.
Enjoy it while you can.
I'm about to meet the man who created Mouthy Brown.
Gee, Murphy, it's the height of lunch hour.
If a fight breaks out that's anything like the one you had with Fawn Hall I could lose my license.
Come on, Phil.
Haven't you noticed how I've changed in the past year? - No.
- I have too.
Murphy Brown.
I'm Pat O'Shea.
Hello there, Pat.
At last we meet.
- Why don't we go sit down.
- Okay.
You know, I wasn't so sure that this was such a good idea.
I've never come face to face with somebody I've lampooned in my strip.
Well, I was looking forward to meeting you and I thought today would be a good time.
Then you aren't upset about the comic? Upset? Me? No.
- Look who's here.
- Hey, slugger.
Guys, what a surprise.
There's somebody I want you meet.
Frank Fontana, Jim Dial, Pat O'Shea.
- Pat O'Shea, the cartoonist.
- That's right.
You know, Murphy and I have been friends for a long time.
I'd hate to think somebody was making fun of her.
- Frank.
- You know I'm a real big fan of yours.
- Really? - Yeah.
The piece you did on organized crime when you infiltrated the ranks.
- Dangerous stuff.
- Well I guess it comes with the territory.
Somebody has to get those people off the street.
So you're Pat O'Shea, huh? - I love your work.
- Thanks.
And you're Jim Dial.
This is a thrill to meet you.
I've been watching you for years.
When I was a teen, I worked as a copy boy in the office with the editorial cartoonist.
What a colorful man.
First day, he ordered me into his office and told me to get ink dryers before deadline.
I spent the entire day racing from one office to another looking for those darn things.
Well, there are no such things as ink dryers.
Just a gag he liked to pull on the new copy boy.
Naive boys.
Hard-working boys.
Boys for whom this new job meant everything.
That mean, vindictive, dirty little man.
Not that all cartoonists are like that.
Guys, we were having a little talk here.
- A pleasure meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.
So, Pat, I'd be fascinated to hear how you got started as a cartoonist.
Well - Hey, Murphy.
- Hello, Miles.
And this must be Pat O'Shea.
I'm Miles Silverberg, executive producer of FYI.
Here to grab some lunch.
I eat here almost every day at this time.
So I thought I'd come by for lunch, like I do almost every day.
Then you know all about the fire ordinance.
You're blocking the aisle.
Murphy's got a great sense of humor.
And she can laugh at herself.
It's the really secure ones who can do that.
Well, I don't wanna interrupt two people who are getting to know each other.
You know, Pat, we're a lot alike.
We both take big people and cut them down to size.
But it's real important to know when enough's enough.
Sure, sometimes I've gone too far.
But if you're not careful, people are going to stop thinking you're clever and just start thinking you're mean.
You know, I never looked at it that way.
I just never worried about hurting a person's feelings.
Especially someone like you.
- I didn't think it was possible.
- Neither did I.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking time to meet me.
I mean, somebody of your stature with a guy just starting out.
Thanks for the advice.
And thanks for Mouthy.
May she rest in peace.
Thanks.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Miles, have you seen this morning's paper? - No, not yet.
- Well, take a good look.
Our friend the cartoonist has found a new target.
I open up the darn thing and there I am.
Drawn like some doddering has-been.
Hunched over the news desk in an ill-fitting cardigan.
- The old gasbag of broadcasting.
- Come on, now, Jim, calm down.
Have a sense of humor about it.
It's only a cartoon.
Only a cartoon? Look closer, Miles.
Anything familiar about that little dog in Murphy's lap? The one in the glasses and the little blue blazer? - What's your point, Jim? - That's you.
That's not me.
How can that be me? It doesn't look like me.
Come on, Miles.
Wake up and smell the Alpo.
Have you guys seen this? I'd like to know why I'm in every newspaper from Ft.
Lauderdale to Vancouver dressed like some Robin Hood, in a tricornered hat a feather boa and that striped leotard number.
What's that supposed to mean? And what is he getting at when I say, "I prance for justice"? - It's not as bad as mine, Frank.
- At least that dog looks like you.
- What? I don't have ears like that! - But the eyes are good.
Well.
It looks like Mr.
O'Shea has finally shown his true colors.
Unbelievable.
I'm gonna be real popular with the guys at the gym.
- We gotta get this guy.
- You better believe it.
I thought we were supposed to have a sense of humor and keep some self-control.
I want him dead.
Well, I guess you've all seen it.
Yes, we've seen it.
Everyone's seen it.
Murphy, I have worked long and hard to gain the kind of acceptance you enjoy in this business.
When I saw myself dressed up like a pom-pom girl in a nationally syndicated strip, I said: "Corky Sherwood, you have finally made it.
" I tell you, I got gooseflesh.
I could've cried.
And I would have if it wasn't for Frank's picture.
Nice tights, Frank.
Corky, I know I told you we should be flattered but this isn't flattering.
It's a putdown.
But the pom-poms.
The megaphone? The Miss America sash? This is all your fault, Fido! What are we doing? O'Shea's the one we're mad at.
Guys, guys.
I'm gonna be the voice of reason here.
I understand exactly how you're feeling.
But it's important to remember that O'Shea is slime and we have to rise above him.
Besides, there's nothing we can do to this guy that won't make us look small.
- I don't mind.
- It's only once.
Small's okay.
I'll give it some thought.
Knock, knock.
- What brings you here? - A visit.
That's nice.
But if you don't mind, I've got a deadline.
I just figured out what FYI means: Four Yakking lmbeciles.
I'm drawing them on the Yellow Brick Road.
And I have to finish the monkey swooping down to get Miles.
Gee, it almost seems as though we never had our little chat yesterday.
Okay, so I lied to you.
But if you think I'm gonna stop now, you're nuts.
You are the best thing to ever happen to my career.
Now, I may be new in town, but I've been around long enough to know that you are a big star with a public image to protect.
- You can't do anything to me.
- You are new in town.
You're doing me a real favor here.
I was afraid I was gonna run out of material.
But, boy, you are a veritable fountain of it.
I'm just sorry that I wasn't around before you checked into Betty Ford.
You know something? You're just mean.
Yeah, and I'm real good at it.
I can put people anywhere, have them say anything.
The ultimate power.
You wanna know the best part about it? I'm gonna get rich doing it.
You know something? I came over here to let you have it.
Do you know what this is? A balloon filled with motor oil.
Forty-weight.
Here, catch.
And here's one I really am fond of.
Guess what's in this box.
Bees.
Big bees.
Bad bees.
Problem bees.
And here's my personal favorite.
Recognize this? I was going to bronze it and add it to my collection next to Spiro Agnew's and Anita Bryant's.
But, you know, listening to you changed my mind.
Your sentence is having to live with yourself.
So go do what you want.
I feel sorry for you.
You're pathetic, and what you do is pathetic.
My satisfaction is in knowing I'm the kind of person who doesn't need to crawl in the gutter with you.
What the hell.