S#*! My Dad Says s01e18 Episode Script

Son, sit down.
The house is clean enough.
We didn't accidentally kill a hooker.
We had brunch.
Rules are not children! You just can't throw them out.
When they become a pain in the ass! If that squash were any uglier, your brother would have tried to sleep with it in college.
Did you write an article about me? I wrote an article about me living with you.
- Am I in it? - Yes.
You're the "you" part.
You're exploiting me.
I'm not some 11-year-old in China.
Making blue jeans for Kathie Lee Gifford.
Look at us.
We're sitting around, watching tv after dinner.
This is kind of awesome.
It's like we're a normal family.
Yeah, Dad, his two grown sons, one of their wives, a maid with balls.
Somebody call Norman Rockwell.
What have I told you about working at the kitchen table? Kitchen table's for two things Eating and making love.
And now it's not for eating anymore.
Besides, I'm not working.
What are you doing? Updating my Facebook status.
Your status hasn't changed in a year "Lives with Dad, still counts chest hairs.
" I am going to write "in the Hizzie Fo' Shizzie.
" But I'm gonna keep your suggestion in mind.
When are you gonna let me put you on Facebook? I'm not interested.
I'm completely off the grid.
As far as anyone knows, I cease to exist.
I've completely disappeared, like that black guy in the Rush Hour movies.
Wait.
Who? Exactly.
Well, Dad, there's so much you can do on here.
You can share videos, post pictures.
Here, check this out.
I got, like, 200 pics on here.
You're doing this in all of them.
Yeah.
Shows people I'm having fun.
Shows people you're a schmuck.
All right.
Someone's not gettin' poked.
Yeah, you, if you keep doing this.
Why do you have to be so negative about it? We'll know two weeks.
Honey, I'm not pregnant.
I know my body I don't have any of the symptoms Any of the bloating, the weird food cravings, the sensitive breasts.
Maybe Vince is pregnant.
Honey, look, let's just not talk about it anymore, okay? We're just gonna throw ourselves into our work.
I have five open houses set up for tomorrow.
We're just gonna focus on that, okay? No more talk about pregnancy.
Mood swings - What are you doing? - Updating my Facebook status.
Oh.
Sweet.
You still chillin' like a villain? Nah.
Now I'm in the Hizzie Fo' Shizzie.
Cool.
I'm gonna go online and like that.
Okay, Dad, listen to this.
Some really cute girl just messaged me on Facebook, says she's read the article I wrote about you, and now she wants to meet me.
What does that tell you? Tells me you can't smell someone through a computer.
[Ben Folds Five's Your Dogs.]
Don't you think you want to be just a little more like me oh oh oh Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a second? I'm very busy.
"Dear cool whip" I want to know if it's still nondairy.
And if so, why do I have to keep it in the fridge? What do you want? - Okay, uh, remember that girl who Facebook-messaged me 'cause she read the article I wrote about you? Yes, it's all I've been thinking about.
Well, her name is Laura Griffin.
We just had coffee a bit ago.
Dad, she's great.
She's interesting.
She's funny and Here's the thing.
She wants to meet you.
Why would she want to meet me? - 'Cause of the article.
- What article? The one I wrote about you.
You wrote an article about me? You really don't listen to anything I say, do you? I'm sorry.
What did you say? Laura and I are gonna go out in a bit, and I want to know if I can bring her by here beforehand.
- No.
- Why not? Because you're gonna introduce us.
She's gonna want to say something.
Then I'm gonna have to say something.
She's gonna respond to that.
Before you know it, we're talking, and, uh I hate that.
That's called a conversation, Dad.
I know, and I hate that! And I hate Facebook.
And I don't want to talk to anyone new.
All I want to know is, can I or can I not put.
The cool whip in the closet with the mop & glo? Dad, I'm appealing to you as a man.
Please meet this girl.
- No.
- Fine.
Then I'm appealing to you as your son.
Meet her.
No.
Dad, I want to get laid.
Oh! Bring her by! How about now? You feel any different? Yeah.
I think I just felt it kick.
Oh, my God, really? No.
But you will.
If you keep asking if I'm pregnant.
- I'm sorry.
- I told you.
I just want to focus on houses.
Okay, you're right.
Well, this place is incredible.
I know, I know.
I heard that the black guy.
From the Rush Hour movies used to live here.
Who? - I-I don't know.
I don't know.
Oh, honey, maybe it's Maybe it's too much.
I mean, come on, who's gonna give us this listing? Honey, that's the wrong attitude.
Look, if we're gonna throw ourselves into our work, then we have to act like we belong, okay? You're right.
You're right.
I mean, why couldn't we sell this house? Yeah.
We're as classy as anyone else in there.
Uh, excuse me, Vince and Bonnie Goodson? - Yeah, sorry.
- I'm sorry.
We thought they were complimentary.
Here you go.
They are.
Oh, great.
How do you know our names? You were the last people to sign the guest book.
I'm guessing 'cause you took all the pens.
Anyway, my name is Freddy Brooks, and I am the producer.
Of the real divorcees of San Diego.
Oh, that's our favorite reality show! The finale was amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wrote that episode.
Anyway One of the divorcees is buying this house, and the realtor on the show just dropped out.
So I was thinking that maybe you Yeah, yeah.
Yes, we'll do it.
All right, well, hold on.
This is a big-time tv show.
You know, we need very specific people.
With very specific qualifications.
Do you even have a license? Both: Yes.
You're in.
Get them a release form.
So what do we have to do? Uh, you have to show the house to this client.
And when you sell the house to this client, you get to keep the commission, and it all takes place on tv.
Okay, so what's the catch? There's no catch.
There's always a catch.
All right, maybe a tiny catch.
Freddy, I think I just ran over a cat.
Camille, I want you to meet Vince and Bonnie.
Vince and Bonnie, meet the catch.
Hey, Dad.
You know what I like most about not wearing underwear? Dad, I'm with a girl.
It's easier on the balls.
You must be Ed.
Dad, this is Laura.
She wanted to come and say hi before the movie.
It's really nice to meet you.
See, now I'm gonna have to say something.
Just be your charming old self.
I'm gonna go upstairs and print out the tickets.
Put on some underwear while you're up there.
You're going out with a lady.
Dad, I always wear underwear.
Really? You shouldn't.
It makes ya feel like summer down there.
[Chuckles awkwardly.]
I've really been looking forward to meeting you.
Why? I read Henry's article about you.
It just made me want to know more.
Really? Why? I don't know.
I just thought it'd be cool to get to know one another.
Hmm.
I'm gonna tell you what I told my commander.
When he gave me a balloon full of drugs.
To smuggle out of Vietnam.
I don't think I'm gonna like where this is going.
Wow.
That was a really roundabout way of saying that.
[Laughs.]
Um, anyway, you were in the Navy, and I'm actually a Navy brat myself.
Hmm.
Where was your father stationed? Mother Pensacola.
That's where I was stationed.
- I know.
- How do you know? - It was in the article.
- No, it wasn't.
Oh Lucky guess.
What sort of medicine did you say you practiced? - I didn't.
- Do you? - I'm a surgeon.
- My mother was a nurse.
Really? You know what I used to say about nurses.
Nurses are like diapers.
They're only useful when Someone pees their pants.
- Where'd you hear that? - Around.
Interesting.
Lemonade? Sure.
So when were you in Pensacola? '85.
I was born in '86.
Looks like we just missed each other.
Interesting.
What'd your father do? My mother, then he left.
Interesting.
Okay.
I printed the tickets.
It was nice to meet you, Ed.
Laura.
Ed, I have the most amazing news.
So have I.
Vince and I are gonna be on a reality show.
I think I just met my daughter.
You win.
Okay, Vince, this is your confessional.
Uh, you just talk into this camera right here.
Anytime you're ready.
Okay.
Confessional, huh? I don't know who Freddy is, but I ate his lunch out of the crew fridge.
I'm Freddy, and it's not that kind of confession.
Just talk about Camille.
Oh, okay.
I think I may have eaten Camille's dessert.
Honey, no one cares what you had for lunch.
Talk about selling a house to Camille.
Right, right, right.
Well, uh, what a great opportunity, you know? Bonnie was a little depressed about not being pregnant, but then amazingly, this falls in our lap, and, you know, it's like I always say When a door closes, a window opens somewhere.
Sweetie, no one cares about your doors or windows.
Talk about Camille.
Right.
Well, Camille's fantastic.
I really feel like we're gonna be great friends after this.
Freddy, fire whoever ate my brownie.
So this girl just shows up out of the blue.
And tells you that she's your daughter? She didn't have to.
I knew.
I felt a A discomfort with her.
That a father can only feel toward his child.
That's not true.
You're comfortable around Vince.
I'm not sure he's mine.
Boy, if that were true, Ed, it'd be the best Christmas present ever.
Anyway, this girl knew things about me.
That she couldn't know.
Plus, she was born in Pensacola.
The year after I was stationed there.
Ed, wouldn't you know it if you had another child? Bonnie, this was the '80s! Morning in America Reagan was president.
Steve guttenberg was a movie star.
Condoms hadn't been invented yet.
I don't think that's right.
All right, not a movie star, but a working actor.
Anyway, the point is I was wild.
I drank a lot, had unprotected sex.
Yuck.
Go on.
I was so stupid.
Reckless one-night stands with hundreds of random women.
God, I'd do it again in a second.
Okay, forgot my wallet.
Laura's great, isn't she? You know, I really think this could lead to something.
Yeah A kid with three eyes who can't do math.
Ed, he's about to go on a date with his sister.
Why didn't you say something? - What if I'm wrong? - Well, then just ask her.
- What if I'm right? - Because then you'll know.
Well, I don't want to know, okay? Well, maybe you should have thought about that.
Before you humped your way through the Florida Panhandle.
It was so wrong, but it felt so right.
Ugh.
I can't believe this is happening! All right, Ed If she's your daughter, you'll deal with it.
I don't know.
Being a bad father to three kids For some reason seems a lot worse.
Than being a bad father to two kids.
Ed, don't tell anyone I told you this, but You're not a bad father.
You really think I'm a good father? Well, don't eh Hold on.
Let's just keep it at you're not a bad father.
Look, it It took you a while, but You show up.
You make an effort.
And your boys love you.
You know what I love? Not wearing underwear.
Really, Ed? We can't have a nice moment here? All right, all right, all right.
The next order of business is to find out for sure.
Whether this girl is my daughter or not.
So you're gonna call up and ask her.
That would be the right thing to do.
And what are you gonna do? Swab the DNA off the lemonade glass And send it to be analyzed in the lab at my hospital.
I can't believe I might have a daughter.
Well, Ed, in In a way, you Kind of already have one.
Henry? Go easy on him.
He may be dating his sister.
- Uh-huh.
And I said, "I did not ask your husband.
To stare at me 'Salivaciously.
'" [chuckles.]
Yeah.
It's like you must be short for Nevada, lady, because all I see is n-v.
Nothing? No? Empty? Oh, look.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Hi, Camille! - Hey, Bonnie.
- Hi.
- Hey, Vince, hi.
Hi.
So you guys excited? I'm buying a house! - So excited.
- Yeah.
It's 10,000 square feet.
We'll make do.
The kids will share a wing.
We're survivors.
Mm.
Hey.
[Clears throat.]
- Bonnie, you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Just when she, uh When she mentioned children, I [Sniffles.]
Sorry, will you excuse us for just one moment? I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Honey, what's going on? - I don't know.
I I don't want to talk about it.
Sweetie, it's just us And them.
I I just I've just I've been very emotional today, and I don't know Maybe I'm scared of success.
Honey, you deserve success, okay? You're an amazing person.
And that's the truth, whether or not we have kids.
Look, Bonnie, no matter what happens, I want you to know that [Snaps fingers.]
Chris Tucker.
What? Chris Tucker.
Chris Tucker That's the name of the actor.
From those Rush Hour films Chris Tucker.
Great, honey.
T-thanks.
I-I feel so much better.
No worries.
All right, come on, Bonnie.
Let's get it together.
We got a house to sell.
That's right.
This is our big break, and I'm not gonna screw it up! You guys, um, Camille is almost done.
Rehearsing her spontaneous moment, so let's get this going.
Of course.
So, uh, Camille, I'm gonna cue you, and when I do, I want you to say.
Something like, uh, "wow, this is a big moment for me, my first house since the divorce.
" Um "I wonder if I'm ready for it.
"You know what? I am.
I am ready for it," but in your own words, as long as they're those words exactly.
Vince, you start.
Okay.
Well, on behalf of Goodson reality, serving the greater San Diego area since late 2010, we stand behind this sale with pride.
Bonnie, anything you'd like to add? Yes.
Camille, if Ah, excuse me.
[Coughs.]
Camille, we really Hmm.
Go on, Bonnie.
Okay.
Camille, working with you is - Spit it out, dear.
- I will.
Camille, I just Aah! [Vomits.]
Oh, God! Being on television is a privilege, not a right.
You have to earn it.
If you're not talented, you better be pretty.
If you're not talented or pretty, you better be rich.
If you're not talented, pretty, or rich, you better not throw up.
On the most famous woman in America.
That's right.
I said it.
Suck it, Kyle.
So as it turns out, when a door closes and a window opens, sometimes that window slams shut, and then the first door opens again.
And then a baby walks through it.
I'm pregnant.
The door is Bonnie's vagina.
We're having a baby! [Chuckles.]
We're having a baby.
Ed, we have the most amazing news.
- We're pregnant! - Yes! I knew it! - I know, it's great, right? - I am not her father! - What's going on? - I am not - We're having a baby! - Laura's father! - W-what? - I'm pregnant! - I am not Laura's father! Laura's father? Why would you be Laura's father? It doesn't matter! I'm not! Um, okay.
Better than okay.
It's the best news I've heard all day.
What about our news? - What news? - I hate this family.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, hey, Laura.
Hey, Henry.
I need to talk to ed.
You can't ask me for money.
I'm not your father.
That's not why I'm here.
Look, all that stuff I said about Pensacola.
Wasn't about me.
What are you talking about? Why are you here? Because I'm in love with your son.
Really? After one date? No, you're not the son I'm in love with.
What are you saying, that you're in love with Vince? Bad timing, darling.
Just got the wife pregnant.
Oh, my gosh, you guys are pregnant? Congratulations! Thank you! See, that's why I know.
She's not a member of this family she's nice.
If it's not Vince, not Henry, there's no one else.
That's not exactly true.
You see, I have a boyfriend who's never met his father.
All he knows is that his name is Ed Goodson, and he lives in San Diego.
So when we moved out here, I said he should look you up, but he was afraid, so I did it for him.
That's why I'm here.
Why didn't you say something before? Because he wanted to tell you himself.
What are you saying, that I have another son? I don't believe you.
Where is he? Dad? Holy bleep.