New Girl s01e18 Episode Script

[URlNATlNG.]
Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.
- Naked with a kerchief? JESS: What? Naked with a kerchief.
No.
What do you call top, no pants? That's a Winnie the Pooh.
Or a Paddington.
WlNSTON: Donald Duck.
SCHMlDT: I guess pretty much any bear.
- Except Yogi.
That's naked with a tie.
- Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
I saw his entire butt.
Dirk's a good guy.
My roommate when I was in law school.
- Smartest guy I know.
- So he's a lawyer? No.
But he has a law degree, business degree.
And a master's in agriculture.
He's kind of like a degree collector.
- He's getting his PhD in poetry, so - That sucks for poems.
How'd it go with Fancyman? It was an amazing first date.
Except for one awkward part at the end.
I don't go on dates very often.
Guys my age always want to skip the date and just go right for the gold.
Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold.
Unless they dig for it.
I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet.
Oh.
Hi.
VALET: Black sedan? Yeah.
What? So he patted me on the back.
I thought I'd at least get a front pat.
Hoohah! - What? - Ha-ha-ha.
- Look, he probably got nervous.
- No.
Russell's never nervous.
That's the worst answer.
Winston? What do you think? [CELL PHONE RlNGS.]
- Oh, thank God.
Hey, what's up, baby? NlCK: Hey, is that Shelby? - Reer! - What's that? Cat sound.
Oh, because you did the whip, we should-- Guys.
Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.
But next time you guys want advice about girls, don't come crawling to me.
- Got it.
- Sounds good.
No, that was a joke.
I love it when you ask me stuff, it makes me feel important.
- And I love it when-- - One shade the more, one ray the less Had half impaired the nameless grace - Are you wearing a lady's scarf? - Come to my lecture tomorrow night.
Absolutely not.
She's missing out, my man.
Schmidt.
Borrow your car, take Shelby to the airport? Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the - man-bulance? - Man-bulance is resting.
To get ready for the team-building retreat Monday.
I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle Shelby's luggage anyway.
What is wrong with you, Winston? The man-bulance fits the luggage of nine Shelbys.
It has the towing capacity of a thousand Shelbys.
You know what, here you go, Winston.
There.
Enjoy luxury.
All good, man.
I got your second set, so thank you.
- How'd you get my keys? - Someone left your door open.
Someone left your face beautiful.
- Who is that? - Apparently his name is Dirk.
Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.
But should that stop you from seeing this? - Yeah.
That's awesome.
- Does he keep you happy? - He does what he's told.
DlRK: Yeah.
So you're the boss and he's your little secretary? - Oh, your sex-cretary.
- I am definitely the boss.
Sex-cretary, he just made that up.
JESS [SlNGlNG.]
: Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess I hate bachelorette parties.
I have 50 different penis items in my carry-on.
If this plane goes down there's going to be sharks doing weird stuff.
- I thought you were going to Vegas? - No.
Mexico.
I thought I told you that.
Well, if you don't want me to go, I don't have to go.
No, no, no.
I want you to go.
It'll be good.
We've spent the last five nights together.
I mean, you know, we both could use some space.
Right.
- Did I say something wrong? - I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you across all the space.
Hey.
Great news.
Um, Jess is taking a shower.
Okay, I just need like, a good, solid 10 minutes.
Eat this granola bar first.
I want to try something called the horse trough.
No, Cece.
I'm not having sex with you right now.
I have to get everybody in a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire.
" Totally fine, what do you need, like 20 minutes? Cece, this-- Okay, this is real work.
For my real boss.
Who is not you.
Oh, I get what's happening here.
It's because Ponytail called you a "sex receptionist"? A sex receptionist answers calls all day.
A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office.
So first of all, thank you for the demotion.
- Second of all, I quit.
- So I'll see you tonight.
- Did you not hear anything I just said? - Oh, no I totally heard you, loud and clear.
But do you know who didn't happen to hear you? What are you doing? Don't-- Don't involve them.
- Oh, my-- - They just didn't hear.
- Don't bring them into this.
- Don't tell me, tell them.
SCHMlDT: Damn it.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
Harold.
Kumar.
I love you both.
Oh, the zany adventures we've had.
But we can't go to White Castle today.
Just can't do it.
You're serious about this? JESS: Cece? Is Schmidt bothering you? This is not over.
Okay? - Was it like a caress or like a pat? - No, like a pat.
It was distinctly a pat.
It was kind of hot.
That man knows how to pat a back.
At any point during the night did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation? [lMlTATES KERMlT.]
Maybe once or twice.
Stop.
It freaks me out, you know.
What do I do? I really, really want to see him again.
Like, badly.
- Just call him.
- I can't.
He's too sophisticated.
He told me he'd run with the bulls.
And I quote, "Not the touristy bulls in Pamplona.
" Big deal.
Just call him.
Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone, she loses her power.
Unless she's sexting, in which case she gains a half-power.
That's Schmidt just talking-- What does Schmidt know? Look, all the guys that you live with, boys.
You've only dated boys.
Russell is a grown man.
I bet he likes women who know what they want and ask for it.
He has a hot-air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs.
Sweetheart, you are sophisticated.
You just gotta pick up the phone, and you ask him out for dinner.
You know what, you're right.
I am sophisticated.
I'm gonna do this.
- What is that? - It's a phone.
Oh, God.
Thus ends our journey through the words of time.
From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan.
From Dylan to Dylan.
They're both named Dylan.
- Watch him bring it home.
- I have to? We have to rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And when the light is no longer bright.
[PLAYlNG HARMONlCA.]
Don't think twice, it's all right.
It's over.
[CHEERlNG.]
Smartest guy I know.
Professor? - Professor? - Yeah.
We wanted to remind you about the wine and cheese event.
The soiree, eh? Super classy.
Crackers, bubbles, crab, hummus.
I e-mailed you about that.
That was me.
Sometimes when I get a really long e-mail I don't read it.
Oh, mommy.
All right, Dirk, what about Deb? - You guys having problems or something? - No, no, no, everything's fine.
She left me and moved out of the house.
I guess it was "too hard" to support me.
"Financially.
" It's all fine.
Allowed me to realize the one thing that was missing in my life.
- Scarves? - Undergraduate ladies.
Girls our age, what do they want? They want us to wed them.
Sire their children.
They want you to have a bed frame.
They want you to eat off plates.
Girls in college all they want you to do is tell them that their photography has potential.
Don't they hang out with guys their own age? Hung with a 20-year-old dude lately? Trust me, they are setting the bar very, very low.
Haven't gone through their gay phase yet.
I'm gonna call Shelby and see if everything's all right.
- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude? Relax.
Okay? I just said we're giving space.
Doesn't mean I can't call her to see if anything funny happened on the plane.
You know what space means, right? Space to have sex with other people.
No, space means you go to Mexico and you do not have sex with other people.
Watch this.
Nick, don't give me any space.
You got it, my man.
See, this makes it pretty hard for you and I to have sex right now.
Now, Nick, I want you to give me some space.
All this space allows me the opportunity to have as much sex as we want.
- Smartest guy I know.
- See how much sex? That does not-- Get out of my way, bookworms! Ready to make love to some college chicks? - When is the last time you had mono? - Don't know.
Tomorrow you're gonna say yesterday.
CECE: I have that team-building research you asked for, Mr.
Schmidt.
What are you wearing? I don't-- I don't know.
I found this at the lost-and-found at the gym.
I'm not quite sure how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be.
Never had to do this.
I've never had to seduce somebody before.
If you're gonna seduce me, don't dress up like my Aunt Frieda at seder.
Come on, okay? I will do anything.
And I'll do it anywhere.
All right? Even Fantasy Location Number Three? Okay.
Um How good are the Beatles? The Beatles are the best.
- Were you so upset when they broke up? - I would've been.
But I was 1.
Heh.
Well, you're not 1 anymore.
Heh.
How's your prostate? I had my breast exam last weekend.
Like, they're fine.
It's just boob in there.
But we have to be careful.
Our bodies are decaying.
Are you okay? You seem strange.
Why didn't we kiss the other night? Sorry.
[PHONE BUZZlNG.]
- I am sorry.
- No, it's fine.
Oh! - What? Is everything okay? - I gotta go.
This ought to take care of that.
Dinner, okay? Oh, I cannot believe I almost left without-- Here, there's cab fare.
Get home safe.
[VOlCEMAlL BEEPS.]
Baby, I don't want anyone to have space.
I want to be standing right in front of you.
I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth.
I want to pass air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.
No flights.
Hey, Schmidt, you mind if I borrow your car again? "Of course you can, Winston, you're so great.
" Thank you! [TlRES SCREECHlNG.]
[HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
I find myself in my new Cadillac Hello, my name is Nicholas.
Nick.
Nick.
Buddy, nobody ever regretted throwing an after party.
Oh, I do.
Look, I feel so old here.
Is calling a girl "shorty" still cool? We gotta find your angle with these girls.
Your hook.
Your panty-melter.
Usually my hook is that it's closing time and I'm there.
You were a panty-melting icon in law school.
If panties were snowmen, you were March, bro.
- Hey.
NlCK: Don't do that.
DlRK: Skyler.
Miriam.
Come over here.
NlCK: Don't humiliate me.
- How cool is my friend? - Are you a professor too? - No, no, no.
I'm a bartender.
Who's 30 years old.
I don't have health insurance.
You know how to make drinks? [WHlSPERlNG.]
Panty-melter.
Do I know how to make drinks? - Yeah, like alcoholic drinks? - Yeah, I do that professionally.
You could get me drunk professionally? - Are you a cop? Ha-ha-ha.
- Sometimes.
- Do you have identification on you? - Ha-ha-ha.
I gotta call Jenna and tell her I'm making out with a bartender.
Five nights a week.
- Jess! You made it to the party! - What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment? Dirk is a genius.
Twenty-year-old girls, they think I'm awesome.
And look at them.
They don't know what Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.
I'm Skyler's Fancyman! Can you believe it? Where's your Fancyman? I don't know.
It was horrible.
He left and he gave me $100 for a cab.
And you know what? I'm gonna use the remaining 90 to get out of here and start a new life.
It's been nice knowing you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm gonna die alone.
- Oh, no.
- I am so, so sad right now.
- Oh! My heart hurts.
Want Nick to make you a Bayberry Breeze? He is so smart.
- So smart.
- Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Ha-ha-ha! I'm not happy! Thirty sucks! Weird party move.
[STEPHEN SCHWARTZ'S "DEFYlNG GRAVlTY" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO.]
[SlNGlNG.]
You and I defying gravity With you and I defying gravity [WHlSPERlNG.]
It's been two hours.
This is officially crazy.
- Also, I have to go to the bathroom.
- [WHlSPERlNG.]
Just pee yourself.
So you'd rather sit in urine for the rest of the ride than admit that we're sleeping together? Yep.
Absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.
I don't wanna ruin what we have, okay? Because if people find out, they're gonna have a lot of questions like: "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?" And, "Seriously, why?" You think we have something to ruin? Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary.
And I was wearing shoulder pads.
So I obviously must like sleeping with you.
Secre-tarty.
Shut up.
This is pretty great.
- I'm freezing.
- Yeah.
I'm so cold.
How are you not freezing? Does your brown skin retain heat? From becoming popular Lar [SlNGlNG.]
[CHEERlNG.]
Take out your tampon and drink, Trevor! The Flip Queen has spoken! ALL [CHANTlNG.]
: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Shelby.
Babe, I don't want space.
SHELBY [ON PHONE.]
: Neither do I.
That's why I'm at your apartment.
- I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.
- What? Babe, look.
I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.
- Are you serious? - I miss you, Shelby.
You're so sexy, girl.
In or out of the wig.
I don't care.
Shelby, you make me feel so brave.
And I've never felt like this about anybody else before.
I love you.
And I carry your soul-song with me wherever I go.
I love you too.
I'm coming back, baby.
No space.
You traveling with any non-U.
S.
citizens? [LAUGHS.]
You actually catch people with that line? No, sir.
Just me and my American heart full of love.
Then how do you explain this? I can't, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
No one in the entire world can explain that.
[HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
I'm so tall.
I feel like a Chinese basketball player.
Russell? [SCREAMS.]
Oh - Hey, Jess.
- I'm not Jess.
I'm her cousin Sylvia.
You doing okay? I want a donut.
Let's get you a donut.
Please.
I wanna talk to you.
Alone.
Well, this is a fun group.
Drop me off at my dorm? The Hamilton.
I'd like to vomit now.
[GROANS.]
Yes! I've never jumped out of a moving car before! That was badass! - Hey, Nick, that's the road.
- Okay.
What's up? - You want the woods.
- Woods.
You're smart.
- Come here.
- lt was nothing.
NlCK: You're okay, Russ.
- Okay.
We can hug some more later.
This isn't her, you know.
She's not like us.
She's one of the good ones.
Time to make the puke, Russell.
So listen, man, it's really important to us that our equal sexual relationship where neither one of us has the upper hand, remain a secret.
And, while I respect the fact that you listen to Wicked while you're alone I can use that information against you at any point in time.
There's a stop sign.
- ls that a stop sign? SCHMlDT: You probably wanna slow down.
Maybe it's a go sign.
SCHMlDT: I don't think it's a go sign.
Because if somebody like you is sleeping with somebody like her then maybe the whole damn world is upside down.
It's just what I'm thinking.
I wanna talk to you.
I wanna have a chance to explain.
That's okay.
I understand.
I thought you wanted a sophisticated lady, but now I realize that you like dating younger girls because we think you're cool.
And you know what? It's working because I think you're a hottie with a body.
Um I didn't ask you out because you're younger than me.
I asked you out because I like you.
But I've forgotten really how to do this, you know.
I haven't dated since 1989 when I took her to the picture show in my buggy.
the year that I learned to use the toaster by myself.
The text I got at dinner was from my ex-wife.
Sarah's with her this week and I didn't pack her inhaler.
She had an asthma attack.
- ls Sarah okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
I just feel like I should've explained.
I really wanted to kiss you the other night.
- Really? - I wanted to do more than kiss you.
I'd like to do you at some point.
Like, you know, really give it to you good.
[LAUGHlNG.]
But I've forgotten how to tell whether it's the right moment.
- I was nervous.
- You were nervous? Nick was right.
He can be really wise sometimes.
NlCK: Oh, my God.
It's happening! It's coming.
I think I'm dying.
I feel scared and excited.
[NlCK GAGGlNG.]
What do you think? What do I think of what? - Do you think now is the right moment? - I think so.
Good.
NlCK: Get out of me, you poison.
Is that your hand? No.
That's my hand.
- Oh, my God.
- You're welcome.
- Get out of here, Dirk.
- You get out.
Come here.
Hey! Oh, no.
Where are you guys? [CELL PHONE RlNGS.]
- Hello? NlCK: Hey, where are you guys? Could I have walked out into the mountains? When does a hill become a mountain? It just happened.
- I'm so cold.
DlRK: Who is this? Oh, my God, Dirk is dead.
Dirk is dead! [CRYlNG.]
Smartest guy I knew.