See Dad Run (2012) s01e18 Episode Script
See Dad Host a Playgroup
[Both exhale.]
I loves my super sugar snaps in the morning.
Yep.
Now I'm ready to face life's challenges.
Joe, you're ten.
What life challenges could you possibly be facing other than a wedgie? Well, wedgies are more complicated than you think.
There's wedgie removal, accidental farting during wedgie removal Ah, yes.
- Post wedgie shame.
- Of course.
- Mm hmm.
- For the whole family.
- Dad.
- Yes? Remember you said I could go to a movie with Mary tonight if I did well on my French test? Did you do well on your French test? - Ooh! - [Laughs like a frenchman.]
[In French accent.]
I think I hear the B-plus in there somewhere, so you're good to go.
Hey, guys, I need your help.
I've got a big crying scene today, and I can't muster any tears, so somebody say something mean to make me cry.
- What, are we stupid? - No.
Uh, I'm serious the meaner, the better.
[Whistling tunelessly.]
Janie, honey, what's the matter? - I can't whistle.
- [Laughing.]
Aw.
Baby, don't cry you've got a fun playdate today, right? - Who's coming? - Everybody.
[Gasps.]
Ooh! Fun! Neat-o! - Everybody? - Yeah.
You're actually mixing all of the moms together? Yeah, I figured why have five playdates a week when I can do one big, giant playgroup? [Sighs.]
I'm sorry, David.
Had I known this, I would've warned you about these moms.
They all have very different parenting styles that don't mesh.
These mothers each think they figured out how to build the perfect child.
I'm talking about coddlers and hippies and tigers.
Oh, my.
Come on, honey I'm America's number one Dad.
- I know how to keep the peace.
- Mm hmm.
I have charmed audiences worldwide.
I can take care of a couple of moms, and moms are my key demographic, by the way.
I admire your courage.
Mommy always says playgroups are fun when her friend Margarita is there.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Well, she's a salty one yeah.
[Up-tempo music.]
All right, everybody having fun? Just let me know if you need anything, okay, folks? Okay, stop playing with my hair.
[Sighs.]
I feel pretty enough.
[Chuckles.]
Now how do you say "hello" in mandarin? Both: Ni hao.
[Laughter.]
- Excellent pronunciation.
- Well, thank you.
I did an episode of my TV show where I got stuck in an elevator with a pregnant Chinese woman, and, yes, I delivered the baby.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your program.
We don't allow television in our home.
No TV? Are you one of those people who gets seizures from the light? [Laughs.]
My oldest never watched TV, and now, at 16, she's at Harvard.
I believe that mindless activity encourages a child to be the "me" in mediocre.
Oh, well, in our house, we believe in putting the "holla" in scholar.
Scholla! [Laughter.]
All right, everybody, it's snack time! David, we brought our own snacks.
Would you like to try some gluten-free, sugar-free vegan buckwheat muffins? Would I? Wow, there's really no sugar in these muffins.
Uh, with no gluten, you can really savor the grittiness of the buckwheat.
Leaf's been eating healthy his whole life, and now, he's being scouted for the 2024 summer games.
No way they start picking them at ten? He's six.
Back the truck up! Daddy, Dr.
Monkey Chunks and I are hungry.
Oh, well, why don't you have one of leaf's muffins? We're not that hungry.
Hug, Mama.
Max, Sweetie, you've already had two hugs today.
Why don't you go back to your drawing and see if you still need to cash in for that last hug.
Wow, you only give him three hugs a day? I'm in the process of weaning him off of, well, me.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Yeah, I believe in weaning.
I'm a huge weaner.
Max self-soothes through creativity.
His art has been featured in several galleries.
Wow.
When a child becomes dependent on a comfort item, they end up like that.
Whoa So that's happening.
Charise, let's see if we can fill the hole in your heart, because after 35 years that's right We have found your identical twin! - Charise, meet Charlize! - [Cries.]
[Laughing.]
Aw.
Aw, folks if this doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you are made of stone.
I got nothing.
I'm made of stone, Tom.
I can't shed a single tear.
- Are you kidding me? - Uh uh.
Crying on command is your thing, honey.
What if I've lost it, David? Hey, you wanna talk about the playdate? So, uh [chuckles.]
Pretty tough group of moms, huh? It was really kind of cool.
It was like having a playdate with The Avengers.
Hey, say what you want about no-coddling and all those other parenting styles.
Those parents get results.
Those kids were incredible.
So are ours.
Our kids are fantastic.
Yeah, I know, honey, but our kids are fantastic like, "hey, Mommy, I made you a macaroni necklace" fantastic, and I want "Daddy, I won this academy award for you" fantastic.
You realize what's happening here, honey.
You are being sucked into the competitive parenting vortex.
Oh, that's ridiculous, honey.
Look, I don't want my children to be a bunch of Superheroes.
I just want what's best for me.
- For them.
- That's what I said.
Mm-hmm.
Today, we are lucky to have as our guest America's number one Dad and my own personal hero.
Give it up for David Hobbs! [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, Tom.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
Thank you for giving the world three such extraordinary children.
My pleasure.
As a surprise, we are connected via satellite with each and every one of them - First up, your daughter Emily.
- Oh! Bonjour, Papa.
Bonjour, Tom Bergeron.
I just wanted to say merci, Papa.
Because of you, I am standing here as the first ever American-elected President of France.
Vive le France! Oh, viva la Hobbs! - [Laughs like a frenchman.]
- Yeah, indeed.
You must be so proud.
Let's have some cheese.
And I bet you are equally as proud at the 2024 summer games.
[Pants and grunts.]
[Sighs.]
[Groans.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Grunts.]
Thanks to you, Dad, I was able to win 15 gold medals in only 12 events.
And now your youngest child Janie live from the jungles of the Congo where she has taken human and primate communication to a whole new level.
Paint, monkey, paint! That'll do, monkey.
Truly amazing, don't you think? [Cheers and applause.]
Now, David David, please, if you could share with us how you were able to achieve such incredible success.
Describe your specific parenting style.
Uh, well, Tom, I actually, um You know, I don't I'm not quite - I'm not quite sure there's a - Forget the cheese, David.
We want an answer.
- I, uh, I - David.
- I I - David.
- David, wake up! - What what? - David, wake up! - What is it? - Dave - Tom Bergeron.
What is going on in there? Huh? I need a parenting style.
David, you got a gold medalist, the President of France, and a monkey whisperer.
I don't see the problem.
The problem is for any of that to become a reality, I need a parenting style.
See, this is my curse in life.
I even dream big.
Who cares about parenting styles? We are stay-at-home dads, which means all we have to do is stay at home.
Let's not raise the bar any higher than necessary.
As my head writer on the show, how would you define my parenting style? We never put that much thought into it, man.
We just went with what was funny.
- You want a parenting style? - Yeah.
We gonna write you one.
People! Look, I know we haven't been at this for a couple of months.
That's right.
And we're working for free.
Hey, hey, hey I bought coffee.
But come on we have to do better.
I mean, "David stops a bank robbery" is not a parenting style.
"David rescues an injured dolphin.
" - Thank you.
- That is not a parenting style! "David gets stuck in skinny jeans" is a style, but not a parenting style.
[Sighs.]
Any thoughts, David? Yeah, I'm thinking we ended our show just in the nick of time.
But you know what? I like the dolphin one.
I think I could be great in that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that would be great.
That'd be dude, with the dolphin? Guys, I look, I just think we're over-thinking this, okay? David's got three kids.
He doesn't need one parenting style.
He can have three different parenting styles.
- Oh - No, that's horrible.
You know what? Hey, hang on a second.
Yvonne, hang on.
Listen Oh, actually, it's yvette.
I was on your staff for eight years.
Oh, welcome.
So listen here's what I'm thinking.
I need you to go with me on this one, okay, guys? What if I have three different parenting approaches, one for each kid? - Genius! - [Overlapping agreements.]
Guys, I just pitched that.
Oh, now I remember you, yvette.
You're the one who used to steal all my ideas.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Dad, how much longer are you gonna torture me with these stupid flash cards? Until you're fluent enough in French so that you can become the President of France.
Okay.
"Excuse me where is the nearest hospital?" Okay.
Um, next one.
"Where is the bus stop?" "Filet" yep, okay.
- Now - Dad, I got a B-plus in French.
How about letting me have a little downtime? Downtime is that what you want? Downtime? Hang on a second, honey.
Hello, Harvard? Do you have a degree in downtime? You don't? Oh thank you.
- Hey, Dad? - Yeah? Where are my super sugar snaps? - I told you I tossed them.
- You were serious about that? - This can't be happening.
- Joe, take it easy.
Take it easy.
You are taking a break from sugar.
Oh, he gets a break, but I don't? I must be having a nightmare.
Wake up, Joe! Wake up, Joe Come on, come on, come on.
This is not a nightmare.
One can be a world-class athlete with a proper diet.
Now, what we have in front of you here is a very delicious vegan flaxseed gluten-free muffin.
I don't know what any of those words mean.
Yeah, neither do I.
After you eat it, just don't stray too far from the bathroom.
Daddy, I can't find Dr.
Monkey Chunks.
I told you, baby I put her up.
You're only gonna have her for two hours a day.
You were serious about that? You're too old for a comfort item.
I'm five.
What do you want from me? Now, I know what misery tastes like.
"Yes, Brock, it's me your Mother.
"I'm so sorry I was in a coma while you were in prison framed for the murder of your wife's brother's lover Brooke.
" There you go! Look at you with the tears.
[Cries.]
Oh fake tears.
Really, Amy? Come on, you're so much better than that.
I'm really not.
Do not take the easy way out.
You know, that's the problem around here.
Look, honey I want our kids to go for the gold, all right? That's why I've put a couple tweaks into my parenting style.
Honey, I've seen the result of your tweaks, and yesterday, I came home, and I found Joe sucking tree sap.
See that? They're responding.
That's a good thing.
[Exhales.]
Paper Polly wants to say good night.
Aw, paper Polly.
David, before you get too excited, you may wanna see how Janie's dealing without Dr.
Monkey Chunks.
Whoa! How creative is this? Come on this is fantastic, honey.
Pretty soon, she'll be teaching monkeys how to paint.
Well, they did evolve into fathers, so I guess anything is possible.
[Feigns laughter.]
Guys, we have to stop Dad from destroying our lives, and to do that, we're gonna have to stick together.
You know what sticks together? Sugar, and when you heat it with butter and cream and it turns into delicious caramel.
[Sighs.]
Joe, don't go soft on me.
You know what's soft? Cinnamon rolls are soft.
And Dr.
Monkey Chunks is soft from what I can remember.
Hey, anybody seen my car keys? We have your keys, Dad.
Why do you have my keys? Because this is an intervention.
What? What? Dad, we want to go back to the way things were.
No! Extraordinary children do not go back.
They push forward.
See? This is exactly what we're talking about! You gotta stop that! Dad, we're trying to reason with you.
Don't make us resort to Plan B.
Oh, there's a Plan B? Let me get a cup of coffee.
Sorry, Dad.
There is no coffee.
Have an organic flaxseed bran square, grab a magazine, and don't make plans for this afternoon.
It's all right I'll get my own coffee, thank you.
Kevin! Coffee! [Banging.]
No more comfort item, Daddy.
You're too old for a Kevin! Oh, all right.
I see what's going on here.
Okay.
To set a good example, I will play along.
Game on.
David! Oh, hey.
Good morning, little people.
Check it out, David You, me, this afternoon, and a box of Cubans.
- Nice.
- Oh, I am sorry, Marcus.
But there will be no downtime for Dad, today.
If he wants to be a great Father, he's got some studying to do.
- On what? - The family book.
And tonight, we're doing flash cards.
Hm.
The little people are rebelling.
I'm out.
You know, David, you really need to get a parenting style, because your kids are out of control.
[Overlapping chatter.]
David, do you have any coffee? Coffee? You want coffee? I haven't had coffee in 36 hours, okay? My body's in a deep cleanse right now, and I feel great.
This pounding headache that I'm having right here means that it's working, so if you excuse me, I'm going to go in the kitchen right now, have a glass of hot water and lemon, and I'm psyched about it, and then, I'm gonna go pray for a quick death! [Exhales.]
- Mm.
- [Sighs.]
I used my body heat to keep it warm.
[Exhales.]
Come on, I'll give you 5 bucks for that lollipop, and that's my final offer.
Joe, the lollipop's in his mouth.
Duh, Captain obvious! Enjoying your coffee? [Gasps.]
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I'm just not sweet Joe without my sugar.
Hey, Dad guess what? I went from a B-plus to a "C" in French because of your flash cards.
Hello, Harvard? Do you accept "C" students? You don't? Good to know.
You should've used my name.
It's a fake phone call! Yeah, but still.
No-o! Janie? What happened? What's wrong? Look what they did to paper Polly.
Oh well, Sweetie, looks like they just picked up a spill with it.
They wiped the floor with her face.
Oh.
Please give me back Dr.
Monkey Chunks, Daddy.
Please? [Exhales.]
This is crazy.
Here, sweetheart.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- You're welcome, baby.
I think you're gonna regret that.
I'll tell you what I regret is thinking that I had to come up with some fancy parenting style at the expense of my kids.
I guess I got momentarily dazzled by your freakishly strong and academically-gifted wizard children.
You know what I want my kids to be? I want them to be themselves, all right? Because that's good enough for me.
Come here, guys.
There we go.
Sorry your Dad got a little crazy there for a minute.
Good to have you back, Daddy.
You might wanna look away, lady.
I want a hug! [Chuckles.]
There you go.
Can you show me what a TV looks like? [Groans.]
Please don't make us eat another muffin.
Oh okay.
[Cell phone rings.]
- Hi, honey.
- Hey Amy, guess what? My Agent just called.
I got offered a role in a new TV series.
[Stammers.]
What, really? Yep, that means you have to quit work and be a stay-at-home Mom again.
You'll be at home full-time dealing with coddlers, and hippies, and tigers.
Oh, my.
[Crying.]
But David, I thought we made a deal.
This is this is my turn to go back to work.
[Cries.]
Ha! Wait! [Laughs.]
I see what you're doing now.
Oh, David, you're the best husband in the world, honey.
Yeah, I know.
I was great.
- Now get back to work.
- [Cries.]
[Continues crying.]
I'm ready.
Timmy is an average kid that no one understands Mom and Dad and Vicky always giving him commands Bed, twerp! The doom and gloom up in his room Is broken instantly by his magic little fish who grant his every wish Because in reality they are his oddparents fairly oddparents wands and wings! Floaty, crowny things! Oddparents, fairly oddparents Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod Obtuse rubber goose Green moose, Guava juice Giant snake, birthday cake large fries, chocolate shake! Oddparents, fairly oddparents It flips your lid when you are the kid With fairly oddparents! Vicky: Yeah, right.
hello, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your airplane speaking.
If you look off the right side of my armpit, you'll see we're directly over Dimmsdale Park.
Cool! Geronimo! Timmy, pull my finger.
I mean, ripcord.
Thanks, Cosmo.
It sure is comforting to know that my fairy godparents are always there to protect me.
Sure thing, Timmy.
We'd never let you down.
Aw, what a cute baby.
Where? Yaah! You're right, Wanda.
This is the cutest one yet.
Timmy: I wish I had another Parachute.
Timmy, watch where you're falling.
You almost hit the baby.
Look, Cosmo.
There's another one.
Oh, do you like the weird pink and green dogs? Then Mommy will get you some because you're Mommy's precious little baby, and I can't imagine why any couple wouldn't want to have their very own baby.
- Aw.
- Aw.
[Both crying.]
Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda, what's gotten into you two? You were supposed to be my parachute.
Uh, I mean, roll over? Are these oddly-colored, hysterically-weeping dogs yours, little boy? Uh, yeah.
They're rare Alaskan Blubberhounds.
I loves my super sugar snaps in the morning.
Yep.
Now I'm ready to face life's challenges.
Joe, you're ten.
What life challenges could you possibly be facing other than a wedgie? Well, wedgies are more complicated than you think.
There's wedgie removal, accidental farting during wedgie removal Ah, yes.
- Post wedgie shame.
- Of course.
- Mm hmm.
- For the whole family.
- Dad.
- Yes? Remember you said I could go to a movie with Mary tonight if I did well on my French test? Did you do well on your French test? - Ooh! - [Laughs like a frenchman.]
[In French accent.]
I think I hear the B-plus in there somewhere, so you're good to go.
Hey, guys, I need your help.
I've got a big crying scene today, and I can't muster any tears, so somebody say something mean to make me cry.
- What, are we stupid? - No.
Uh, I'm serious the meaner, the better.
[Whistling tunelessly.]
Janie, honey, what's the matter? - I can't whistle.
- [Laughing.]
Aw.
Baby, don't cry you've got a fun playdate today, right? - Who's coming? - Everybody.
[Gasps.]
Ooh! Fun! Neat-o! - Everybody? - Yeah.
You're actually mixing all of the moms together? Yeah, I figured why have five playdates a week when I can do one big, giant playgroup? [Sighs.]
I'm sorry, David.
Had I known this, I would've warned you about these moms.
They all have very different parenting styles that don't mesh.
These mothers each think they figured out how to build the perfect child.
I'm talking about coddlers and hippies and tigers.
Oh, my.
Come on, honey I'm America's number one Dad.
- I know how to keep the peace.
- Mm hmm.
I have charmed audiences worldwide.
I can take care of a couple of moms, and moms are my key demographic, by the way.
I admire your courage.
Mommy always says playgroups are fun when her friend Margarita is there.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Well, she's a salty one yeah.
[Up-tempo music.]
All right, everybody having fun? Just let me know if you need anything, okay, folks? Okay, stop playing with my hair.
[Sighs.]
I feel pretty enough.
[Chuckles.]
Now how do you say "hello" in mandarin? Both: Ni hao.
[Laughter.]
- Excellent pronunciation.
- Well, thank you.
I did an episode of my TV show where I got stuck in an elevator with a pregnant Chinese woman, and, yes, I delivered the baby.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your program.
We don't allow television in our home.
No TV? Are you one of those people who gets seizures from the light? [Laughs.]
My oldest never watched TV, and now, at 16, she's at Harvard.
I believe that mindless activity encourages a child to be the "me" in mediocre.
Oh, well, in our house, we believe in putting the "holla" in scholar.
Scholla! [Laughter.]
All right, everybody, it's snack time! David, we brought our own snacks.
Would you like to try some gluten-free, sugar-free vegan buckwheat muffins? Would I? Wow, there's really no sugar in these muffins.
Uh, with no gluten, you can really savor the grittiness of the buckwheat.
Leaf's been eating healthy his whole life, and now, he's being scouted for the 2024 summer games.
No way they start picking them at ten? He's six.
Back the truck up! Daddy, Dr.
Monkey Chunks and I are hungry.
Oh, well, why don't you have one of leaf's muffins? We're not that hungry.
Hug, Mama.
Max, Sweetie, you've already had two hugs today.
Why don't you go back to your drawing and see if you still need to cash in for that last hug.
Wow, you only give him three hugs a day? I'm in the process of weaning him off of, well, me.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Yeah, I believe in weaning.
I'm a huge weaner.
Max self-soothes through creativity.
His art has been featured in several galleries.
Wow.
When a child becomes dependent on a comfort item, they end up like that.
Whoa So that's happening.
Charise, let's see if we can fill the hole in your heart, because after 35 years that's right We have found your identical twin! - Charise, meet Charlize! - [Cries.]
[Laughing.]
Aw.
Aw, folks if this doesn't bring a tear to your eye, you are made of stone.
I got nothing.
I'm made of stone, Tom.
I can't shed a single tear.
- Are you kidding me? - Uh uh.
Crying on command is your thing, honey.
What if I've lost it, David? Hey, you wanna talk about the playdate? So, uh [chuckles.]
Pretty tough group of moms, huh? It was really kind of cool.
It was like having a playdate with The Avengers.
Hey, say what you want about no-coddling and all those other parenting styles.
Those parents get results.
Those kids were incredible.
So are ours.
Our kids are fantastic.
Yeah, I know, honey, but our kids are fantastic like, "hey, Mommy, I made you a macaroni necklace" fantastic, and I want "Daddy, I won this academy award for you" fantastic.
You realize what's happening here, honey.
You are being sucked into the competitive parenting vortex.
Oh, that's ridiculous, honey.
Look, I don't want my children to be a bunch of Superheroes.
I just want what's best for me.
- For them.
- That's what I said.
Mm-hmm.
Today, we are lucky to have as our guest America's number one Dad and my own personal hero.
Give it up for David Hobbs! [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, Tom.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
Thank you for giving the world three such extraordinary children.
My pleasure.
As a surprise, we are connected via satellite with each and every one of them - First up, your daughter Emily.
- Oh! Bonjour, Papa.
Bonjour, Tom Bergeron.
I just wanted to say merci, Papa.
Because of you, I am standing here as the first ever American-elected President of France.
Vive le France! Oh, viva la Hobbs! - [Laughs like a frenchman.]
- Yeah, indeed.
You must be so proud.
Let's have some cheese.
And I bet you are equally as proud at the 2024 summer games.
[Pants and grunts.]
[Sighs.]
[Groans.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Grunts.]
Thanks to you, Dad, I was able to win 15 gold medals in only 12 events.
And now your youngest child Janie live from the jungles of the Congo where she has taken human and primate communication to a whole new level.
Paint, monkey, paint! That'll do, monkey.
Truly amazing, don't you think? [Cheers and applause.]
Now, David David, please, if you could share with us how you were able to achieve such incredible success.
Describe your specific parenting style.
Uh, well, Tom, I actually, um You know, I don't I'm not quite - I'm not quite sure there's a - Forget the cheese, David.
We want an answer.
- I, uh, I - David.
- I I - David.
- David, wake up! - What what? - David, wake up! - What is it? - Dave - Tom Bergeron.
What is going on in there? Huh? I need a parenting style.
David, you got a gold medalist, the President of France, and a monkey whisperer.
I don't see the problem.
The problem is for any of that to become a reality, I need a parenting style.
See, this is my curse in life.
I even dream big.
Who cares about parenting styles? We are stay-at-home dads, which means all we have to do is stay at home.
Let's not raise the bar any higher than necessary.
As my head writer on the show, how would you define my parenting style? We never put that much thought into it, man.
We just went with what was funny.
- You want a parenting style? - Yeah.
We gonna write you one.
People! Look, I know we haven't been at this for a couple of months.
That's right.
And we're working for free.
Hey, hey, hey I bought coffee.
But come on we have to do better.
I mean, "David stops a bank robbery" is not a parenting style.
"David rescues an injured dolphin.
" - Thank you.
- That is not a parenting style! "David gets stuck in skinny jeans" is a style, but not a parenting style.
[Sighs.]
Any thoughts, David? Yeah, I'm thinking we ended our show just in the nick of time.
But you know what? I like the dolphin one.
I think I could be great in that.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that would be great.
That'd be dude, with the dolphin? Guys, I look, I just think we're over-thinking this, okay? David's got three kids.
He doesn't need one parenting style.
He can have three different parenting styles.
- Oh - No, that's horrible.
You know what? Hey, hang on a second.
Yvonne, hang on.
Listen Oh, actually, it's yvette.
I was on your staff for eight years.
Oh, welcome.
So listen here's what I'm thinking.
I need you to go with me on this one, okay, guys? What if I have three different parenting approaches, one for each kid? - Genius! - [Overlapping agreements.]
Guys, I just pitched that.
Oh, now I remember you, yvette.
You're the one who used to steal all my ideas.
[Overlapping chatter.]
Dad, how much longer are you gonna torture me with these stupid flash cards? Until you're fluent enough in French so that you can become the President of France.
Okay.
"Excuse me where is the nearest hospital?" Okay.
Um, next one.
"Where is the bus stop?" "Filet" yep, okay.
- Now - Dad, I got a B-plus in French.
How about letting me have a little downtime? Downtime is that what you want? Downtime? Hang on a second, honey.
Hello, Harvard? Do you have a degree in downtime? You don't? Oh thank you.
- Hey, Dad? - Yeah? Where are my super sugar snaps? - I told you I tossed them.
- You were serious about that? - This can't be happening.
- Joe, take it easy.
Take it easy.
You are taking a break from sugar.
Oh, he gets a break, but I don't? I must be having a nightmare.
Wake up, Joe! Wake up, Joe Come on, come on, come on.
This is not a nightmare.
One can be a world-class athlete with a proper diet.
Now, what we have in front of you here is a very delicious vegan flaxseed gluten-free muffin.
I don't know what any of those words mean.
Yeah, neither do I.
After you eat it, just don't stray too far from the bathroom.
Daddy, I can't find Dr.
Monkey Chunks.
I told you, baby I put her up.
You're only gonna have her for two hours a day.
You were serious about that? You're too old for a comfort item.
I'm five.
What do you want from me? Now, I know what misery tastes like.
"Yes, Brock, it's me your Mother.
"I'm so sorry I was in a coma while you were in prison framed for the murder of your wife's brother's lover Brooke.
" There you go! Look at you with the tears.
[Cries.]
Oh fake tears.
Really, Amy? Come on, you're so much better than that.
I'm really not.
Do not take the easy way out.
You know, that's the problem around here.
Look, honey I want our kids to go for the gold, all right? That's why I've put a couple tweaks into my parenting style.
Honey, I've seen the result of your tweaks, and yesterday, I came home, and I found Joe sucking tree sap.
See that? They're responding.
That's a good thing.
[Exhales.]
Paper Polly wants to say good night.
Aw, paper Polly.
David, before you get too excited, you may wanna see how Janie's dealing without Dr.
Monkey Chunks.
Whoa! How creative is this? Come on this is fantastic, honey.
Pretty soon, she'll be teaching monkeys how to paint.
Well, they did evolve into fathers, so I guess anything is possible.
[Feigns laughter.]
Guys, we have to stop Dad from destroying our lives, and to do that, we're gonna have to stick together.
You know what sticks together? Sugar, and when you heat it with butter and cream and it turns into delicious caramel.
[Sighs.]
Joe, don't go soft on me.
You know what's soft? Cinnamon rolls are soft.
And Dr.
Monkey Chunks is soft from what I can remember.
Hey, anybody seen my car keys? We have your keys, Dad.
Why do you have my keys? Because this is an intervention.
What? What? Dad, we want to go back to the way things were.
No! Extraordinary children do not go back.
They push forward.
See? This is exactly what we're talking about! You gotta stop that! Dad, we're trying to reason with you.
Don't make us resort to Plan B.
Oh, there's a Plan B? Let me get a cup of coffee.
Sorry, Dad.
There is no coffee.
Have an organic flaxseed bran square, grab a magazine, and don't make plans for this afternoon.
It's all right I'll get my own coffee, thank you.
Kevin! Coffee! [Banging.]
No more comfort item, Daddy.
You're too old for a Kevin! Oh, all right.
I see what's going on here.
Okay.
To set a good example, I will play along.
Game on.
David! Oh, hey.
Good morning, little people.
Check it out, David You, me, this afternoon, and a box of Cubans.
- Nice.
- Oh, I am sorry, Marcus.
But there will be no downtime for Dad, today.
If he wants to be a great Father, he's got some studying to do.
- On what? - The family book.
And tonight, we're doing flash cards.
Hm.
The little people are rebelling.
I'm out.
You know, David, you really need to get a parenting style, because your kids are out of control.
[Overlapping chatter.]
David, do you have any coffee? Coffee? You want coffee? I haven't had coffee in 36 hours, okay? My body's in a deep cleanse right now, and I feel great.
This pounding headache that I'm having right here means that it's working, so if you excuse me, I'm going to go in the kitchen right now, have a glass of hot water and lemon, and I'm psyched about it, and then, I'm gonna go pray for a quick death! [Exhales.]
- Mm.
- [Sighs.]
I used my body heat to keep it warm.
[Exhales.]
Come on, I'll give you 5 bucks for that lollipop, and that's my final offer.
Joe, the lollipop's in his mouth.
Duh, Captain obvious! Enjoying your coffee? [Gasps.]
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I'm just not sweet Joe without my sugar.
Hey, Dad guess what? I went from a B-plus to a "C" in French because of your flash cards.
Hello, Harvard? Do you accept "C" students? You don't? Good to know.
You should've used my name.
It's a fake phone call! Yeah, but still.
No-o! Janie? What happened? What's wrong? Look what they did to paper Polly.
Oh well, Sweetie, looks like they just picked up a spill with it.
They wiped the floor with her face.
Oh.
Please give me back Dr.
Monkey Chunks, Daddy.
Please? [Exhales.]
This is crazy.
Here, sweetheart.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- You're welcome, baby.
I think you're gonna regret that.
I'll tell you what I regret is thinking that I had to come up with some fancy parenting style at the expense of my kids.
I guess I got momentarily dazzled by your freakishly strong and academically-gifted wizard children.
You know what I want my kids to be? I want them to be themselves, all right? Because that's good enough for me.
Come here, guys.
There we go.
Sorry your Dad got a little crazy there for a minute.
Good to have you back, Daddy.
You might wanna look away, lady.
I want a hug! [Chuckles.]
There you go.
Can you show me what a TV looks like? [Groans.]
Please don't make us eat another muffin.
Oh okay.
[Cell phone rings.]
- Hi, honey.
- Hey Amy, guess what? My Agent just called.
I got offered a role in a new TV series.
[Stammers.]
What, really? Yep, that means you have to quit work and be a stay-at-home Mom again.
You'll be at home full-time dealing with coddlers, and hippies, and tigers.
Oh, my.
[Crying.]
But David, I thought we made a deal.
This is this is my turn to go back to work.
[Cries.]
Ha! Wait! [Laughs.]
I see what you're doing now.
Oh, David, you're the best husband in the world, honey.
Yeah, I know.
I was great.
- Now get back to work.
- [Cries.]
[Continues crying.]
I'm ready.
Timmy is an average kid that no one understands Mom and Dad and Vicky always giving him commands Bed, twerp! The doom and gloom up in his room Is broken instantly by his magic little fish who grant his every wish Because in reality they are his oddparents fairly oddparents wands and wings! Floaty, crowny things! Oddparents, fairly oddparents Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod Obtuse rubber goose Green moose, Guava juice Giant snake, birthday cake large fries, chocolate shake! Oddparents, fairly oddparents It flips your lid when you are the kid With fairly oddparents! Vicky: Yeah, right.
hello, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your airplane speaking.
If you look off the right side of my armpit, you'll see we're directly over Dimmsdale Park.
Cool! Geronimo! Timmy, pull my finger.
I mean, ripcord.
Thanks, Cosmo.
It sure is comforting to know that my fairy godparents are always there to protect me.
Sure thing, Timmy.
We'd never let you down.
Aw, what a cute baby.
Where? Yaah! You're right, Wanda.
This is the cutest one yet.
Timmy: I wish I had another Parachute.
Timmy, watch where you're falling.
You almost hit the baby.
Look, Cosmo.
There's another one.
Oh, do you like the weird pink and green dogs? Then Mommy will get you some because you're Mommy's precious little baby, and I can't imagine why any couple wouldn't want to have their very own baby.
- Aw.
- Aw.
[Both crying.]
Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda, what's gotten into you two? You were supposed to be my parachute.
Uh, I mean, roll over? Are these oddly-colored, hysterically-weeping dogs yours, little boy? Uh, yeah.
They're rare Alaskan Blubberhounds.