She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e18 Episode Script
Heart Attack
MELINDA: I still love you, Daddy.
I always will.
But we have to be free to live our lives together.
(TAPPING) Johnny.
(MOANING) You're late.
I thought that That your daddy scared me away? Nothing's gonna scare me away from you.
Janice is waiting for us with a car up at Greasy Lake.
She'll take us as far as the border.
We'll be in Baja before your daddy wakes up.
Baja! I got a little job lined up, pumping gas in a town outside Ensenada.
It doesn't pay much.
We don't need any money.
You've never been poor.
All I want is you.
And Daddy? He'll find us.
He knows people in Mexico.
Let him find us.
No, you don't know what he's like.
What's he gonna do? We're gonna be married.
I love you.
Are you ready, seòora? I'm ready.
Let's go.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Daddy.
Wait here.
What are you doing up here Who are you? True love.
How sweet.
Happy honeymoon.
Who was that woman? Woman? Hurry up.
We've got to go.
Janice is not going to wait past midnight.
Come on.
What makes you think I would go anywhere with a low-class scumbag like you? Wait, wait! (JOHNNY SCREAMS) I think Sean Ludlow has sold enough books.
Don't you? He could use a little humility.
Besides, all his readers are short.
They'll be glad not to have to reach.
It's like a dream come true.
Well, not really.
I've always stood up for the little guy.
This farm girl gets off the plane from Montana, walks into a Sav-on, and who's buying lip balm? Larabee Link.
So? Don't you know who Larabee Link is? Yes, of course I do.
Larabee, the famous missing link.
He's an international movie star.
It's so romantic.
It's like Cinderella.
I mean, this girl's in town five minutes and she meets a movie star, they fall madly in love, and now they're having a private wedding tomorrow.
It's unbelievable.
Look at her dress.
Oh, I don't think Cinderella would have shown quite so much thigh.
Cynic.
Hmm.
Oh, well, it looks like Mr.
Sean Ludlow's slipped a few notches.
Really? Hello, everybody.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Oh, I care for you.
Each one of you is significant to me.
DR.
CUDDLES: I love what is unique in you.
Now, I want each one of you to show the human being standing next to you that they are special.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) What's he talking about? Hug power.
(CHUCKLES) The positive affection movement.
Didn't you know? Dr.
Cuddles coined the phrase, "Hug a stranger today, "have a friend tomorrow.
" Sounds good to me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, just, uh, don't get too carried away.
Thank you.
Now, I want to thank each and every one of you for not only making Power Snuggling a best-seller, but a way of life.
It's the '90s and love is in.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! RANDl: Hey! (DR.
CUDDLES GRUNTS) (WOMAN CHOKING) (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (STRAINING) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Folks, you're gonna have to step outside.
(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO) Thank you very much.
Dispatch, 479 (GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
I'm afraid the positive affection movement is dead.
(SIGHS) Did she kill Dr.
Cuddles? No, Dr.
Cuddles killed her.
How could he? She just got away in a black Porsche.
That woman is on her way to the pearly gates.
Whether she is arriving by chariot, gossamer wings or a Porsche, is anyone's guess.
No, I'm talking about the woman in leather who shot Dr.
Cuddles with a crossbow.
IAN: Dr.
Cuddles was felled by his own book, not an arrow.
And it's a good thing he wrote a thick book.
I know what I saw.
I saw a woman in black shoot Dr.
Cuddles with a crossbow.
And that's not all I saw.
You saw her shoot him with a bazooka, just for good measure? I saw her license plate.
I know an old friend we should contact.
Let's go.
IAN: They don't call him Handy Andy simply because it rhymes.
RANDl: Well, what did he find out? Handy Andy has a friend at the Hall of Records.
Wait, is that the big building on Exposition Drive? Yes, by the convenience store.
Hmm.
It seems his friend has a friend at the DMV.
And he ran the plate for us.
The Porsche is registered to True Love Incorporated.
(SIGHING) May I? If you're looking for love, this is the wrong place.
And if you're with the moving company, you're late and overdressed.
Actually What happened to True Love? It's bankrupt.
Victim of a cold-hearted society? Victim of a cold-hearted executive.
Rowena Smith embezzled every dime we had and every nickel we could borrow.
She all but ruined my reputation as a professional matchmaker.
But you didn't come to hear my whining.
You must be interested in the office space.
Actually, we're interested in the black Porsche.
She took that too.
You aren't creditors, are you? Because if you are We're victims, just like you.
You are? A tragic story.
Hit and run.
What did she hit? Our dog.
Our car.
(CHUCKLES) Our dog was in our car.
Oh, she must've enjoyed that.
Double the fun.
Charming woman.
RANDl: Just the kind I'd want to set me up on a date.
You would have.
She was once the sweetest, most wonderful woman, and she had the gift.
When she brought people together, it was instant love.
One happy couple after another.
Until the axe murder.
And the drowning.
And the electrocution, and Well, after that she was never the same.
No more new clients? No more old clients.
They kept killing each other.
I think it really got her down.
Do you know where we can find her? If I knew that, she'd have the creditors and I wouldn't have to work for my husband.
A tyrant? A divorce lawyer.
Opposites attract.
Well, thanks for your help.
There's something very strange going on here.
Indeed.
We know there's an embezzling matchmaker who's shooting invisible arrows, and that all the couples who she introduced, who once loved each other, now hate each other.
But what we don't know is why, and lan.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, what a terrible mistake.
I'm shocked, I'm horrified, I'm appalled.
I'm You sneak.
What's in it? Books.
Books? Hmm.
Apparently, they gave them away to clients.
"Live happily ever after, compliments of True Love.
" What do you think? I think they would have been better off giving away my book.
Of course.
Maybe we can learn a thing or two.
I doubt it.
(ENGINE STARTS) "Intimacy is the glue which binds two people together and cements their love.
"And affection is the applicator with which we apply intimacy.
" Dr.
Cuddles has a marvelous way with words.
"Without intimacy, love doesn't stand a chance.
" Well, we're doomed.
Hey, how can you say that? Well, look at the two of us.
IAN: Two people very much in love.
Who can't show their affection.
I don't know.
I'm applying the glue right now.
You know what I mean.
(IAN LAUGHS) Even if we were as intimate as we wanted to be, I'd become a vicious werewolf.
So we exercise just a little moderation.
But even a little affection can be dangerous.
Nonsense.
A little affection never hurt anyone.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan! (RANDI CHOKING) (IAN SCREAMS) I'm the one who's supposed to turn into a monster.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Relax, ma'am.
I'm Al.
Excuse me? I'm a cupid.
Cupid? I mean, did you just say " cupid"? That's right, ma'am.
Al Cupid.
This is some kind of a joke, right? If it is, it's not a very good one.
Well, how do you figure that? I don't think Dr.
Cuddles is laughing.
You're tracking down the woman in black leather.
Yes, sir.
We were staking out True Love Incorporated before you started asking questions about her.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Do you mean cupids, like the little babies that carry bow and arrows? We've grown up, ma'am.
Can you tell me anything about the suspect, sir? She has a wicked aim with a crossbow.
Yes, sir.
Rowena Cupid scored a 98 on her archery exam.
I might've guessed she was one of you.
But shouldn't she be out making people fall in love? That's her job.
She's a cupid.
There's just one problem.
What's that? She's gone bad.
A rogue cupid? She stole a case of arrows and disappeared.
We think she's trying to eliminate love.
By making lovers eliminate each other? Exactly.
We think she's planning something big.
Why is she doing this? That's classified, sir.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Ma'am? Cupids? RANDl: I mean, why are we listening to this drivel? Well, one minute, I was trying to win your heart.
The next, I was trying to tear it out.
I guess a rogue cupid is as good an explanation as any.
Okay.
So, Al, how can we help you? Just stay out of it.
What if we happen to run across Rowena? She's armed and dangerous.
Leave her to the professionals.
Dear Abby? Dr.
Ruth? Sorry to inconvenience you good people.
IAN: Wait, wait.
Before you go, there's one thing that's been troubling me.
Just one? Sir? You look familiar.
We've met before.
We have? He's a cupid.
Of course.
It must have been, what, six months ago, when lan and I met? No ma'am.
We had nothing to do with that.
Oh.
It was 1974.
Of course! Wendy Watson! Wendy Watson? She was destined to be your true love.
But she ran off with my best friend.
Yes, sir.
If it's any consolation, my aim has gotten much better since then.
Good day.
Wendy Watson? (CHUCKLES) Long story.
I have time.
Not if you're going to find a dress for the wedding of the century.
What are you talking about? Larabee Link and Cinderella.
If I was a cupid and I wanted to eliminate love, that's where I'd start.
The most publicized wedding of the year.
Yeah, everybody knows about that wedding.
I mean, it's bigger than Prince Charles and Lady Di, Sean and Madonna.
Clark Kent and Lois Lane.
They got married? You weren't invited? No.
Okay, so we're going to the wedding of the century.
What about Al? (SCOFFS) He can find his own date.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Hey! (GRUNTS) This is a private wedding.
And there's no slime-sucking, yellow journalist toads allowed.
Keep him out.
Just getting my camera.
This may take some finesse.
Every gossip-mongering reporter in the world wants to get in there.
You know, the Scandal Sheets have even hired helicopters to spy on it.
What could you possibly think of that they haven't tried already? Divine intervention.
(GRUNTING) Yellow journalist toad.
Disgraceful.
Some people will do anything.
Imagine masquerading as a priest and invading the sanctity of a wedding ceremony.
Imagine.
These heartless cowards.
I'm sorry you had to see that, Father.
Infidels are a fact of life in my business.
Rest easy, my son.
Thank you, Father.
Infidels? Come along, Sister.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) All right! Well, that should make for a very interesting cover photo.
Listen, are you sure it was such a wise idea to throw the priest out? What's the point of letting him perform the marriage ceremony if it means he's going to be performing the last rites a few minutes later? Believe me, they'll thank us for this.
If they don't arrest us.
Have faith.
Time to bind two people together in holy matrimony.
Keep your eyes open.
I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, my son.
Where's Father Murray? Out of town.
Out of town? In the Sudan.
No! No, no.
That's not going to work.
Look, I was depending on him.
For emotional support during this special time.
For my motivation.
Okay.
Okay, breathe.
What am I feeling now? Uh, I'm felling What am I feeling now? You're in love.
Love? Yes, the love thing.
Okay.
It's gonna work.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Now, this is the wedding ceremony, all right? Now, it transcends the conventional poetic rhetoric and digs deep into the soul to find the naked truths.
"Oh, baby, spread your wings and let me come inside.
" Rod Stewart.
God, I love that man.
Truly inspirational.
I know.
(GASPS) I'm sorry, I was just looking for the, uh, fruit punch.
Yes.
(COUGHS) I have such a dry throat.
Sorry.
Do you take her, your bodies perspiring, your blood surging, your organs throbbing, your fluids mixing, until death pulls you both into the flaming pits of hell? I do.
Ditto.
By the power vested in me by God and the state of California, I pronounce you lan! (GRUNTING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Move out! It gets worse.
Get up, lady.
You look nice.
Thanks.
She got away.
She couldn't have.
She'd have passed us, or went over the side.
So what are you saying? ROWENA: She's saying I'm still here.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Why didn't you say so? Chalk up two more idiots dying for love.
But look, you're a cupid.
I mean, you're supposed to make people fall in love, not kill each other.
Love, death.
In the long run, what difference is there? Well, when you're in love, you skip through fields picking flowers and singing show tunes.
And when you're dead, well, you rot.
You mortals know so little about love.
Do I detect just a hint of bitterness in your voice? I was in love once.
Ah.
I hear a show tune coming.
I first saw him on the beach on Corfu.
He was the most beautiful man who ever walked the Earth.
And his heart was as kind as his face was handsome.
I know that guy.
You know, the guy The guy downstairs who was asking about her? Right.
Right.
He said he was very eager to see you.
He said something about being terribly sorry that he stood They took him from me! They? It's forbidden for a cupid to love a mortal.
So they wiped his memory of me, and made him fall in love with another.
That's terrible.
It is, isn't it? But I will have my revenge.
Because if I can't love, then no one can.
And anyone who tries, dies.
Yes.
You seem like a loving couple.
(BOTH LAUGH) What? Us? Us? No.
This cow? We hate each other.
Loathe.
Despise.
Detest.
" Cow"? You can't hide true love from a cupid.
And you can't hide from my arrow.
(BOTH SCREAMING) "Cow"? I meant it with affection.
You Give me your hand.
Right here, sir.
(EXHALES) So who invited you, the bride or the groom? It took us six months to set this up, and you ruined it in just six minutes.
Seal off the grounds.
Are you saying this was a cupid sting? I told you to leave this to the professionals.
And I meant it.
If you get involved again, we will be forced to take action.
You'll cancel our valentines? No, sir, I'll break your hearts.
I will make you forget you've known each other forever.
You play tough.
I'm a cupid.
It's my job.
Well, maybe it's not a total loss.
How do you figure that, ma'am? Maybe there's some cake left.
You know, love is a lot more complicated than I thought.
Maybe we should leave it to the professionals.
They couldn't do much worse than we did.
You know Do you really think they could make us forget about each other? After all we've been through? Never.
Good.
I didn't think so.
And you know What? If they did, I could always look up Wendy Watson.
Okay, it should be ready now.
Let's check and see.
Smells delicious.
A little pepper, and your casserole should be ready.
Okay.
Now, ladies, let's go for some aerobics.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) All right.
Are you ready? One, two, three, four.
Feel the extension.
Come on, now.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three.
What do you think, Doc? Can she cook or what? I'm taping a classic here.
I'm sure no one who ever sees it will forget it.
Yeah.
What's with the collar? I found Jesus.
Great.
You told him we only pay scale, right? BAMBl: Three, four.
Reach down.
Two, three Good.
Two, three, four.
(SINGING) Bikini baking with Bambi Is so much fun You bake tasty treats Then tighten your buns Hey, babe.
What's shaking? Oh, my fist.
(LAUGHS) Listen, if you ever get tired of playing second banana, I got a show for you.
Really? You know, I'd rather eat live scorpions and be boiled in bacon grease.
Ooh.
Do it nude, we got a primetime special.
I'm learning.
Hey! How did I don't know who you are, but I know a star when I see one.
(LAUGHS) You got that right, lover boy.
More than you know.
(THUD) (HUMMING) (SIGHS) "If you're reading this, so much for surprising you "with a champagne breakfast in bed.
" Hmm.
"Hold off on the bowl of Chocolate Cheese Chews, "I'm preparing my famous omelets.
" What's wrong with Chocolate Cheese Chews? (PHONE RINGING) (CLEARS THROAT) Hello? Randi, isn't it a glorious day? The kind of day that exists only in fantasies! The kind of glorious days I fantasize about don't include you, Skip.
(LAUGHS) Well, then I'm going to make your fantasies come true.
You will never see me again.
You're leaving? No, you are.
I'm canceling lan's show.
You can't.
I need that show to help Toodle-Ioo! (SIGHS) (DIAL TONE) cure.
That lowlife, perverted, disgusting snake.
He can't do that.
He can't do that.
Skip.
I can't believe it! (SIGHS) "Skip has cancelled our show.
I've gone to kill him.
"Back when the deed is done.
" (GRUNTS) (CLICKS TONGUE) Damn! You are a no-good, disgusting, perverted snake.
Listen, you can't cancel our show.
Have a jelly bean.
It'll do you good.
Don't patronize me.
I demand an explanation here.
Because, you see, How Strange just happens to be the highest-rated show on this two-bit TV station.
Yeah, but ratings aren't everything.
You know, we have to consider our responsibility to the community.
Excuse me.
This from the man who created Bikini Baking with Bambi? Skip, Skip, listen Dr.
Love's live call-in show will be more than just entertainment.
What she does aerobics and bakes, too? Dr.
Love's a warm and caring individual who lights up the screen and the lives of everyone around her.
Let me guess, she talks about sex while wearing nothing but Christmas tree lights.
She'll help lost souls find themselves.
And isn't that what communicating is all about? Isn't that, ultimately, our responsibility as broadcasters? (SIGHS) Don't worry.
You'll love her.
I know I do.
Tell me that isn't Dr.
Love.
(CHUCKLES) I can understand a woman being threatened by Dr.
Love's awesome beauty.
But don't worry.
To know her is to love her.
There is no way she is going on our TV show.
She's a killer.
There's no saying what she might do, and I won't be able to live without you.
I love you.
No, no I can't.
I love her.
Oh, I don't care.
I love you, and I'll do anything I can to have you.
No.
No! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) SKIP: Please! (GRUNTS) You are the most exciting man I have ever met.
And I want you now.
I'm flattered, but my heart belongs to Dr.
Love.
But your body belongs to me.
I love her.
My devotion to her is absolute.
(RIPPING) (PANTING) But then this is sex.
And that's entirely different.
Yes.
(MOANING) (BOTH MOANING) (GROWLING) Whoa! (RANDI SNARLING) my levels? Want me to speak up louder? I'll try.
MAN: Nice easy zoom.
That's very good.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, camera one standby.
Five, four, three, two, one! FEMALE NARRATOR: You're on the air with Dr.
Love.
(GRUNTING) IAN: Steady, steady.
(PANTING) You sit in your Barcaloungers sucking back Buds with your arm around your girl and you think you know what love is? (PANTING) I never thought I'd say this, but you're too much woman for me.
(PANTING) (GROWLING) Oh, baby! Randi! I see you've been having a good meeting.
(RANDI SCREAMS) This is not what it seems.
Of that I am certain.
No, no.
See.
She's my true love.
My man! I need my man! Oh, please! ROWENA: What do you know about the pain that comes from love? Of the sweet anguish of passion? Of the despair that takes over when you've lost your heart forever? You've reduced love to greeting card wishes and Lionel Richie.
Fire! Out! Fire! Out, now! Quick! ROWENA: Of the sweet anguish of passion.
You aren't worthy of love.
The arrow gave you love (GROANING) RANDl: Lan! And the arrow can take it away.
(RANDI GROWLING) What are you doing? Why are you keeping me from my man? RANDl: Come on, lan.
But don't fret.
Because how important can love be if it's so easy to lose? You'll like hate much better.
Got it! (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) You okay? Randi, baby.
I've decided that my heart's big enough for both of you.
(GRUNTS) I'm feeling much better now.
Thank you.
I'll say one thing for Skip.
He's certainly helped you develop your left hook.
(CHUCKLES) Come, let's go.
(DOOR OPENS) What a woman.
(DOOR CLOSES) It's not often I get to work directly with civilians.
Thank you for your quick thinking.
What did you do? I cut off the live broadcast and fed it directly into the control booth.
The only person that got hit by her arrow was you.
But I don't know what I would have done after that if you hadn't arrived just in the nick of time.
We were watching As the World Turns.
Good thing I switched channels.
You watch soap operas? Cupids are incurable romantics.
Clearly.
Yes.
Let's go away to a distant cloud somewhere, just you and me.
I do have a few centuries of vacation time coming.
You don't know what you've been missing.
I'm a firm believer in rehabilitating recidivists, ma'am.
I'll work closely with Rowena, on a purely professional basis, of course.
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course.
Goodbye.
Bye.
(BOTH SIGH) Well, I think we've discovered something today.
What's that? Even the professionals have some things to learn about love.
It's my job.
I'm a cupid.
Ah, Randi.
A little shopping? No, I was thinking, it must be hard for you, you know, being thousands of miles away from home.
So I had your mother send some of your things from England.
How terribly thoughtful of you.
You know, there are some things I miss.
I miss that Edith Hamilton first edition.
A few Van Morrison albums.
My Giacometti lithograph.
(LAUGHS) And old Snorky.
Well, I thought you might be a little Ionely.
And cold too? Well, you know how cold these winters can be on the beach.
True, true.
The temperature nearly dropped to 60 last night.
But that is not to say I don't appreciate my baby spoon, my elementary school diploma, and college yearbook, but Ah-ha! Ah-ha? No, I mean Ha, ha, ha.
How amusing that your mother should put this in the box.
Yes, how very amusing.
I mean, it's always so funny to see how people looked and dressed back then.
Is that you with the L-shaped sideburns? Page 83.
Page 83? Wendy Watson.
Wendy Watson? The reason you had this package shipped from London.
You just want to see what the potential love of my life really looks like.
(CHUCKLES) Well, not really, but I mean, you know, as long as it's here, it wouldn't hurt to peek.
Ah! Dean's list.
Miss Brighton? Do you know, I forgot how tight those hot pants really were.
She's perfect in every way.
And, indeed, all of her husbands thought so too.
Husbands? Oh, all four of them.
Or was it five? I forget.
I haven't seen her since she opened a clothing shop.
String bikinis and sweaters, I presume.
Oh, active wear for the full-figured woman.
Full-figured? Hmm.
Big bust.
Big bottom.
Big thighs.
Big chins.
Big chin? Can you believe she dared to model her own sportswear.
What's that for? For lying.
Who's lying? You're lying.
I always will.
But we have to be free to live our lives together.
(TAPPING) Johnny.
(MOANING) You're late.
I thought that That your daddy scared me away? Nothing's gonna scare me away from you.
Janice is waiting for us with a car up at Greasy Lake.
She'll take us as far as the border.
We'll be in Baja before your daddy wakes up.
Baja! I got a little job lined up, pumping gas in a town outside Ensenada.
It doesn't pay much.
We don't need any money.
You've never been poor.
All I want is you.
And Daddy? He'll find us.
He knows people in Mexico.
Let him find us.
No, you don't know what he's like.
What's he gonna do? We're gonna be married.
I love you.
Are you ready, seòora? I'm ready.
Let's go.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Daddy.
Wait here.
What are you doing up here Who are you? True love.
How sweet.
Happy honeymoon.
Who was that woman? Woman? Hurry up.
We've got to go.
Janice is not going to wait past midnight.
Come on.
What makes you think I would go anywhere with a low-class scumbag like you? Wait, wait! (JOHNNY SCREAMS) I think Sean Ludlow has sold enough books.
Don't you? He could use a little humility.
Besides, all his readers are short.
They'll be glad not to have to reach.
It's like a dream come true.
Well, not really.
I've always stood up for the little guy.
This farm girl gets off the plane from Montana, walks into a Sav-on, and who's buying lip balm? Larabee Link.
So? Don't you know who Larabee Link is? Yes, of course I do.
Larabee, the famous missing link.
He's an international movie star.
It's so romantic.
It's like Cinderella.
I mean, this girl's in town five minutes and she meets a movie star, they fall madly in love, and now they're having a private wedding tomorrow.
It's unbelievable.
Look at her dress.
Oh, I don't think Cinderella would have shown quite so much thigh.
Cynic.
Hmm.
Oh, well, it looks like Mr.
Sean Ludlow's slipped a few notches.
Really? Hello, everybody.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Oh, I care for you.
Each one of you is significant to me.
DR.
CUDDLES: I love what is unique in you.
Now, I want each one of you to show the human being standing next to you that they are special.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) What's he talking about? Hug power.
(CHUCKLES) The positive affection movement.
Didn't you know? Dr.
Cuddles coined the phrase, "Hug a stranger today, "have a friend tomorrow.
" Sounds good to me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, just, uh, don't get too carried away.
Thank you.
Now, I want to thank each and every one of you for not only making Power Snuggling a best-seller, but a way of life.
It's the '90s and love is in.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! RANDl: Hey! (DR.
CUDDLES GRUNTS) (WOMAN CHOKING) (ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (STRAINING) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Folks, you're gonna have to step outside.
(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO) Thank you very much.
Dispatch, 479 (GASPS) Oh, my gosh.
I'm afraid the positive affection movement is dead.
(SIGHS) Did she kill Dr.
Cuddles? No, Dr.
Cuddles killed her.
How could he? She just got away in a black Porsche.
That woman is on her way to the pearly gates.
Whether she is arriving by chariot, gossamer wings or a Porsche, is anyone's guess.
No, I'm talking about the woman in leather who shot Dr.
Cuddles with a crossbow.
IAN: Dr.
Cuddles was felled by his own book, not an arrow.
And it's a good thing he wrote a thick book.
I know what I saw.
I saw a woman in black shoot Dr.
Cuddles with a crossbow.
And that's not all I saw.
You saw her shoot him with a bazooka, just for good measure? I saw her license plate.
I know an old friend we should contact.
Let's go.
IAN: They don't call him Handy Andy simply because it rhymes.
RANDl: Well, what did he find out? Handy Andy has a friend at the Hall of Records.
Wait, is that the big building on Exposition Drive? Yes, by the convenience store.
Hmm.
It seems his friend has a friend at the DMV.
And he ran the plate for us.
The Porsche is registered to True Love Incorporated.
(SIGHING) May I? If you're looking for love, this is the wrong place.
And if you're with the moving company, you're late and overdressed.
Actually What happened to True Love? It's bankrupt.
Victim of a cold-hearted society? Victim of a cold-hearted executive.
Rowena Smith embezzled every dime we had and every nickel we could borrow.
She all but ruined my reputation as a professional matchmaker.
But you didn't come to hear my whining.
You must be interested in the office space.
Actually, we're interested in the black Porsche.
She took that too.
You aren't creditors, are you? Because if you are We're victims, just like you.
You are? A tragic story.
Hit and run.
What did she hit? Our dog.
Our car.
(CHUCKLES) Our dog was in our car.
Oh, she must've enjoyed that.
Double the fun.
Charming woman.
RANDl: Just the kind I'd want to set me up on a date.
You would have.
She was once the sweetest, most wonderful woman, and she had the gift.
When she brought people together, it was instant love.
One happy couple after another.
Until the axe murder.
And the drowning.
And the electrocution, and Well, after that she was never the same.
No more new clients? No more old clients.
They kept killing each other.
I think it really got her down.
Do you know where we can find her? If I knew that, she'd have the creditors and I wouldn't have to work for my husband.
A tyrant? A divorce lawyer.
Opposites attract.
Well, thanks for your help.
There's something very strange going on here.
Indeed.
We know there's an embezzling matchmaker who's shooting invisible arrows, and that all the couples who she introduced, who once loved each other, now hate each other.
But what we don't know is why, and lan.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, what a terrible mistake.
I'm shocked, I'm horrified, I'm appalled.
I'm You sneak.
What's in it? Books.
Books? Hmm.
Apparently, they gave them away to clients.
"Live happily ever after, compliments of True Love.
" What do you think? I think they would have been better off giving away my book.
Of course.
Maybe we can learn a thing or two.
I doubt it.
(ENGINE STARTS) "Intimacy is the glue which binds two people together and cements their love.
"And affection is the applicator with which we apply intimacy.
" Dr.
Cuddles has a marvelous way with words.
"Without intimacy, love doesn't stand a chance.
" Well, we're doomed.
Hey, how can you say that? Well, look at the two of us.
IAN: Two people very much in love.
Who can't show their affection.
I don't know.
I'm applying the glue right now.
You know what I mean.
(IAN LAUGHS) Even if we were as intimate as we wanted to be, I'd become a vicious werewolf.
So we exercise just a little moderation.
But even a little affection can be dangerous.
Nonsense.
A little affection never hurt anyone.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan! (RANDI CHOKING) (IAN SCREAMS) I'm the one who's supposed to turn into a monster.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Relax, ma'am.
I'm Al.
Excuse me? I'm a cupid.
Cupid? I mean, did you just say " cupid"? That's right, ma'am.
Al Cupid.
This is some kind of a joke, right? If it is, it's not a very good one.
Well, how do you figure that? I don't think Dr.
Cuddles is laughing.
You're tracking down the woman in black leather.
Yes, sir.
We were staking out True Love Incorporated before you started asking questions about her.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Do you mean cupids, like the little babies that carry bow and arrows? We've grown up, ma'am.
Can you tell me anything about the suspect, sir? She has a wicked aim with a crossbow.
Yes, sir.
Rowena Cupid scored a 98 on her archery exam.
I might've guessed she was one of you.
But shouldn't she be out making people fall in love? That's her job.
She's a cupid.
There's just one problem.
What's that? She's gone bad.
A rogue cupid? She stole a case of arrows and disappeared.
We think she's trying to eliminate love.
By making lovers eliminate each other? Exactly.
We think she's planning something big.
Why is she doing this? That's classified, sir.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Ma'am? Cupids? RANDl: I mean, why are we listening to this drivel? Well, one minute, I was trying to win your heart.
The next, I was trying to tear it out.
I guess a rogue cupid is as good an explanation as any.
Okay.
So, Al, how can we help you? Just stay out of it.
What if we happen to run across Rowena? She's armed and dangerous.
Leave her to the professionals.
Dear Abby? Dr.
Ruth? Sorry to inconvenience you good people.
IAN: Wait, wait.
Before you go, there's one thing that's been troubling me.
Just one? Sir? You look familiar.
We've met before.
We have? He's a cupid.
Of course.
It must have been, what, six months ago, when lan and I met? No ma'am.
We had nothing to do with that.
Oh.
It was 1974.
Of course! Wendy Watson! Wendy Watson? She was destined to be your true love.
But she ran off with my best friend.
Yes, sir.
If it's any consolation, my aim has gotten much better since then.
Good day.
Wendy Watson? (CHUCKLES) Long story.
I have time.
Not if you're going to find a dress for the wedding of the century.
What are you talking about? Larabee Link and Cinderella.
If I was a cupid and I wanted to eliminate love, that's where I'd start.
The most publicized wedding of the year.
Yeah, everybody knows about that wedding.
I mean, it's bigger than Prince Charles and Lady Di, Sean and Madonna.
Clark Kent and Lois Lane.
They got married? You weren't invited? No.
Okay, so we're going to the wedding of the century.
What about Al? (SCOFFS) He can find his own date.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Hey! (GRUNTS) This is a private wedding.
And there's no slime-sucking, yellow journalist toads allowed.
Keep him out.
Just getting my camera.
This may take some finesse.
Every gossip-mongering reporter in the world wants to get in there.
You know, the Scandal Sheets have even hired helicopters to spy on it.
What could you possibly think of that they haven't tried already? Divine intervention.
(GRUNTING) Yellow journalist toad.
Disgraceful.
Some people will do anything.
Imagine masquerading as a priest and invading the sanctity of a wedding ceremony.
Imagine.
These heartless cowards.
I'm sorry you had to see that, Father.
Infidels are a fact of life in my business.
Rest easy, my son.
Thank you, Father.
Infidels? Come along, Sister.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING) All right! Well, that should make for a very interesting cover photo.
Listen, are you sure it was such a wise idea to throw the priest out? What's the point of letting him perform the marriage ceremony if it means he's going to be performing the last rites a few minutes later? Believe me, they'll thank us for this.
If they don't arrest us.
Have faith.
Time to bind two people together in holy matrimony.
Keep your eyes open.
I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, my son.
Where's Father Murray? Out of town.
Out of town? In the Sudan.
No! No, no.
That's not going to work.
Look, I was depending on him.
For emotional support during this special time.
For my motivation.
Okay.
Okay, breathe.
What am I feeling now? Uh, I'm felling What am I feeling now? You're in love.
Love? Yes, the love thing.
Okay.
It's gonna work.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Now, this is the wedding ceremony, all right? Now, it transcends the conventional poetic rhetoric and digs deep into the soul to find the naked truths.
"Oh, baby, spread your wings and let me come inside.
" Rod Stewart.
God, I love that man.
Truly inspirational.
I know.
(GASPS) I'm sorry, I was just looking for the, uh, fruit punch.
Yes.
(COUGHS) I have such a dry throat.
Sorry.
Do you take her, your bodies perspiring, your blood surging, your organs throbbing, your fluids mixing, until death pulls you both into the flaming pits of hell? I do.
Ditto.
By the power vested in me by God and the state of California, I pronounce you lan! (GRUNTING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Move out! It gets worse.
Get up, lady.
You look nice.
Thanks.
She got away.
She couldn't have.
She'd have passed us, or went over the side.
So what are you saying? ROWENA: She's saying I'm still here.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Why didn't you say so? Chalk up two more idiots dying for love.
But look, you're a cupid.
I mean, you're supposed to make people fall in love, not kill each other.
Love, death.
In the long run, what difference is there? Well, when you're in love, you skip through fields picking flowers and singing show tunes.
And when you're dead, well, you rot.
You mortals know so little about love.
Do I detect just a hint of bitterness in your voice? I was in love once.
Ah.
I hear a show tune coming.
I first saw him on the beach on Corfu.
He was the most beautiful man who ever walked the Earth.
And his heart was as kind as his face was handsome.
I know that guy.
You know, the guy The guy downstairs who was asking about her? Right.
Right.
He said he was very eager to see you.
He said something about being terribly sorry that he stood They took him from me! They? It's forbidden for a cupid to love a mortal.
So they wiped his memory of me, and made him fall in love with another.
That's terrible.
It is, isn't it? But I will have my revenge.
Because if I can't love, then no one can.
And anyone who tries, dies.
Yes.
You seem like a loving couple.
(BOTH LAUGH) What? Us? Us? No.
This cow? We hate each other.
Loathe.
Despise.
Detest.
" Cow"? You can't hide true love from a cupid.
And you can't hide from my arrow.
(BOTH SCREAMING) "Cow"? I meant it with affection.
You Give me your hand.
Right here, sir.
(EXHALES) So who invited you, the bride or the groom? It took us six months to set this up, and you ruined it in just six minutes.
Seal off the grounds.
Are you saying this was a cupid sting? I told you to leave this to the professionals.
And I meant it.
If you get involved again, we will be forced to take action.
You'll cancel our valentines? No, sir, I'll break your hearts.
I will make you forget you've known each other forever.
You play tough.
I'm a cupid.
It's my job.
Well, maybe it's not a total loss.
How do you figure that, ma'am? Maybe there's some cake left.
You know, love is a lot more complicated than I thought.
Maybe we should leave it to the professionals.
They couldn't do much worse than we did.
You know Do you really think they could make us forget about each other? After all we've been through? Never.
Good.
I didn't think so.
And you know What? If they did, I could always look up Wendy Watson.
Okay, it should be ready now.
Let's check and see.
Smells delicious.
A little pepper, and your casserole should be ready.
Okay.
Now, ladies, let's go for some aerobics.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) All right.
Are you ready? One, two, three, four.
Feel the extension.
Come on, now.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three.
What do you think, Doc? Can she cook or what? I'm taping a classic here.
I'm sure no one who ever sees it will forget it.
Yeah.
What's with the collar? I found Jesus.
Great.
You told him we only pay scale, right? BAMBl: Three, four.
Reach down.
Two, three Good.
Two, three, four.
(SINGING) Bikini baking with Bambi Is so much fun You bake tasty treats Then tighten your buns Hey, babe.
What's shaking? Oh, my fist.
(LAUGHS) Listen, if you ever get tired of playing second banana, I got a show for you.
Really? You know, I'd rather eat live scorpions and be boiled in bacon grease.
Ooh.
Do it nude, we got a primetime special.
I'm learning.
Hey! How did I don't know who you are, but I know a star when I see one.
(LAUGHS) You got that right, lover boy.
More than you know.
(THUD) (HUMMING) (SIGHS) "If you're reading this, so much for surprising you "with a champagne breakfast in bed.
" Hmm.
"Hold off on the bowl of Chocolate Cheese Chews, "I'm preparing my famous omelets.
" What's wrong with Chocolate Cheese Chews? (PHONE RINGING) (CLEARS THROAT) Hello? Randi, isn't it a glorious day? The kind of day that exists only in fantasies! The kind of glorious days I fantasize about don't include you, Skip.
(LAUGHS) Well, then I'm going to make your fantasies come true.
You will never see me again.
You're leaving? No, you are.
I'm canceling lan's show.
You can't.
I need that show to help Toodle-Ioo! (SIGHS) (DIAL TONE) cure.
That lowlife, perverted, disgusting snake.
He can't do that.
He can't do that.
Skip.
I can't believe it! (SIGHS) "Skip has cancelled our show.
I've gone to kill him.
"Back when the deed is done.
" (GRUNTS) (CLICKS TONGUE) Damn! You are a no-good, disgusting, perverted snake.
Listen, you can't cancel our show.
Have a jelly bean.
It'll do you good.
Don't patronize me.
I demand an explanation here.
Because, you see, How Strange just happens to be the highest-rated show on this two-bit TV station.
Yeah, but ratings aren't everything.
You know, we have to consider our responsibility to the community.
Excuse me.
This from the man who created Bikini Baking with Bambi? Skip, Skip, listen Dr.
Love's live call-in show will be more than just entertainment.
What she does aerobics and bakes, too? Dr.
Love's a warm and caring individual who lights up the screen and the lives of everyone around her.
Let me guess, she talks about sex while wearing nothing but Christmas tree lights.
She'll help lost souls find themselves.
And isn't that what communicating is all about? Isn't that, ultimately, our responsibility as broadcasters? (SIGHS) Don't worry.
You'll love her.
I know I do.
Tell me that isn't Dr.
Love.
(CHUCKLES) I can understand a woman being threatened by Dr.
Love's awesome beauty.
But don't worry.
To know her is to love her.
There is no way she is going on our TV show.
She's a killer.
There's no saying what she might do, and I won't be able to live without you.
I love you.
No, no I can't.
I love her.
Oh, I don't care.
I love you, and I'll do anything I can to have you.
No.
No! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) SKIP: Please! (GRUNTS) You are the most exciting man I have ever met.
And I want you now.
I'm flattered, but my heart belongs to Dr.
Love.
But your body belongs to me.
I love her.
My devotion to her is absolute.
(RIPPING) (PANTING) But then this is sex.
And that's entirely different.
Yes.
(MOANING) (BOTH MOANING) (GROWLING) Whoa! (RANDI SNARLING) my levels? Want me to speak up louder? I'll try.
MAN: Nice easy zoom.
That's very good.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, camera one standby.
Five, four, three, two, one! FEMALE NARRATOR: You're on the air with Dr.
Love.
(GRUNTING) IAN: Steady, steady.
(PANTING) You sit in your Barcaloungers sucking back Buds with your arm around your girl and you think you know what love is? (PANTING) I never thought I'd say this, but you're too much woman for me.
(PANTING) (GROWLING) Oh, baby! Randi! I see you've been having a good meeting.
(RANDI SCREAMS) This is not what it seems.
Of that I am certain.
No, no.
See.
She's my true love.
My man! I need my man! Oh, please! ROWENA: What do you know about the pain that comes from love? Of the sweet anguish of passion? Of the despair that takes over when you've lost your heart forever? You've reduced love to greeting card wishes and Lionel Richie.
Fire! Out! Fire! Out, now! Quick! ROWENA: Of the sweet anguish of passion.
You aren't worthy of love.
The arrow gave you love (GROANING) RANDl: Lan! And the arrow can take it away.
(RANDI GROWLING) What are you doing? Why are you keeping me from my man? RANDl: Come on, lan.
But don't fret.
Because how important can love be if it's so easy to lose? You'll like hate much better.
Got it! (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) You okay? Randi, baby.
I've decided that my heart's big enough for both of you.
(GRUNTS) I'm feeling much better now.
Thank you.
I'll say one thing for Skip.
He's certainly helped you develop your left hook.
(CHUCKLES) Come, let's go.
(DOOR OPENS) What a woman.
(DOOR CLOSES) It's not often I get to work directly with civilians.
Thank you for your quick thinking.
What did you do? I cut off the live broadcast and fed it directly into the control booth.
The only person that got hit by her arrow was you.
But I don't know what I would have done after that if you hadn't arrived just in the nick of time.
We were watching As the World Turns.
Good thing I switched channels.
You watch soap operas? Cupids are incurable romantics.
Clearly.
Yes.
Let's go away to a distant cloud somewhere, just you and me.
I do have a few centuries of vacation time coming.
You don't know what you've been missing.
I'm a firm believer in rehabilitating recidivists, ma'am.
I'll work closely with Rowena, on a purely professional basis, of course.
(CLEARS THROAT) Of course.
Goodbye.
Bye.
(BOTH SIGH) Well, I think we've discovered something today.
What's that? Even the professionals have some things to learn about love.
It's my job.
I'm a cupid.
Ah, Randi.
A little shopping? No, I was thinking, it must be hard for you, you know, being thousands of miles away from home.
So I had your mother send some of your things from England.
How terribly thoughtful of you.
You know, there are some things I miss.
I miss that Edith Hamilton first edition.
A few Van Morrison albums.
My Giacometti lithograph.
(LAUGHS) And old Snorky.
Well, I thought you might be a little Ionely.
And cold too? Well, you know how cold these winters can be on the beach.
True, true.
The temperature nearly dropped to 60 last night.
But that is not to say I don't appreciate my baby spoon, my elementary school diploma, and college yearbook, but Ah-ha! Ah-ha? No, I mean Ha, ha, ha.
How amusing that your mother should put this in the box.
Yes, how very amusing.
I mean, it's always so funny to see how people looked and dressed back then.
Is that you with the L-shaped sideburns? Page 83.
Page 83? Wendy Watson.
Wendy Watson? The reason you had this package shipped from London.
You just want to see what the potential love of my life really looks like.
(CHUCKLES) Well, not really, but I mean, you know, as long as it's here, it wouldn't hurt to peek.
Ah! Dean's list.
Miss Brighton? Do you know, I forgot how tight those hot pants really were.
She's perfect in every way.
And, indeed, all of her husbands thought so too.
Husbands? Oh, all four of them.
Or was it five? I forget.
I haven't seen her since she opened a clothing shop.
String bikinis and sweaters, I presume.
Oh, active wear for the full-figured woman.
Full-figured? Hmm.
Big bust.
Big bottom.
Big thighs.
Big chins.
Big chin? Can you believe she dared to model her own sportswear.
What's that for? For lying.
Who's lying? You're lying.