Sledge Hammer! s01e18 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
- I'd shoot 'em.
- What? Well, I'd I'd try to shoot 'em.
- Gimme another drink.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- I think you've had enough.
- I wanna drink! - Just get - Give me another drink! Hammer! You can't solve everything with a gun.
- But my bazooka's in the trunk.
- Just wanna drink.
- Stop it! - What's wrong with that? Gimme a drink.
I want another drink! Hey, what's going on? I'm gonna kill you! Hold it.
It's a two-drink minimum.
You could have shown a little sympathy.
I was going to send a card to his next of kin.
I just don't understand you, Hammer.
You're so violent.
Not always.
Let's get those geeks.
We'll set our guns for stun.
- Guns don't have a setting for stun.
- That's their tough luck.
Wait a minute.
Something's wrong.
These are the cars the FBI uses.
Great.
We'll bust 'em for car theft, too.
That's what they'll look like when I'm through! All right, freeze, rodents.
Drop your weapons.
Come on, on the floor.
Let's go.
Merci, mon vieux.
Merci! You try to kiss me on the cheek and I'll shoot you.
- Who the hell are you? - Hands on the wall, come on! Right away.
Come on, way back, way back! Ease off, will ya? Just what do you plan to do with us? I'm going to beat you up, read you your rights and beat you up again.
You're a cop? We're from the FBI.
That Frog you let go is an internationaI counterfeiter.
Not so fast.
Let me see some identification.
Let's see your badge.
I got I must have forgot to pick it up when I got off suspension.
I am I am a reaI I am a detective.
I really am.
I have a gun.
Freeze! Been printing your own money? Hmm.
I did not know it was illegaI.
It's just a hobby.
Come on, let's go.
Detective Doreau has suffered a mild concussion.
You can see her, but be quiet.
- She suffered a nasty shock today.
- Why? Did she find out you graduated in Grenada? Excuse me.
- She's asleep.
- I'll wake her up.
Hammer! This is a hospitaI.
For God's sake, it's a hospitaI! I know.
I was going to use a silencer.
Doreau? Doreau? I have some good news for you.
If you no longer wish to partner with this brainless juggernaut of destruction, I will assign you a new partner.
I don't want a new partner, Captain.
I want Hammer.
He's the only one who can help me get those scumsuckers! Scumsuckers? Hammer, we have to leave.
She's obviously very, very sick.
Very sick.
- Oh, what is this? A luau? - Oh, lighten up, Inspector.
We all signed this card for Dori.
- And we left a space for you.
- Yeah? Well, forget it, lady.
I showed her I care in my own way.
I shot at the guy who was trying to park in her spot.
- What are you bellyaching about? - This isn't a precinct.
This is Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Who was the mentaI midget who thought this dumb thing up? - It was my idea, Hammer.
- Oh.
Well What's the big deaI? She's not coming back from the dead.
Look at this.
Cookies, cakes, cards.
We're cops, not caterers.
Hey, where's the clown? Well, while you guys are turning this precinct into the Playboy Mansion, I was on the streets, trying to crack this counterfeit case.
- Did you get any leads? - Heck, no.
Quiet, everybody.
Quiet.
Quiet! Dori's coming.
Surprise! Enough hoopla.
Dori, it's good to have you back.
What the hell's going on here? This isn't a precinct, it's Pee-wee's Playhouse.
Doreau.
You're inside now.
Would you please take off those sunglasses? What sunglasses? Hey, Doreau, you've been hanging around Hammer too long.
Ooh! Oh! My jaw! Oh, well, it's not a party unless somebody breaks something.
Doreau, I think it would be a good idea if you took a week off.
I just took a week off.
- Take another one! - I can't.
I got a foreign slimeball to catch.
If everyone acted like her, the world would be a better place.
Hammer! - Hammer, we've got some bad news.
- What? That blow to Detective Doreau's head has caused a behaviouraI imbalance.
She's become excessively violent, irrationaI and dangerous.
That happened to me once.
The day I was born.
She's acquired these aggressive traits through exposure to a negative personality.
Lead-headed quack! That's ridiculous.
She spends all her time with me.
Hammer, she has acquired the violent characteristics of a man she sees every day.
- Yeah.
Now all we have to do is find him.
- It's you.
You're the one.
It's you.
- Are you talking to me or the doctor? - How long is she going to be this way? There's no way of knowing in cases like these.
Hammer, if she is acting like you, where do you think she might be right now? I don't know, Captain.
Lots of places I spend my time.
Mud wrestling, cockfights, a taxidermy shop.
This guy, anything that's dead, he'll stuff.
- She's on a case! - On a case, right.
Well, let's see.
The counterfeiter was working downtown.
I know an informant in that area, works in a tattoo parlour, but no.
Any woman who walks in there would be eaten alive.
Don't worry, Doreau.
I'll save you.
Take your time.
Oof! Aaah! Very good, Doreau.
But you've got to follow through with that backhand.
- Stoolie, we want some information.
- Don't blow my cover.
And wait your turn.
There's a guy printing some funny money.
We want to find the creep.
I said, wait your turn.
I'm losing my patience with you, eggplant! - I didn't know you had a sister, Sledge.
- I don't.
- Then I got nothin' to say to you.
- Yeah? Let's take out his teeth.
You work on his uppers, I'll take his lowers.
All right, all right, I'll tell ya.
The only counterfeit money around is coming from a cheque cashing joint.
- Where is it? - It's not an easy place to find.
And it's in a pretty rough neighbourhood.
I'd better draw you a map.
Have you got any paper on you? Here.
OK.
Take Fifth to Broadway.
Down to CentraI.
And it's right there.
Why can't we just take a shortcut? - Through here.
- Because that is a one-way street.
Look, instead of taking Broadway, why don't we take Fifth and then make a right on this side street, right there? - That's not a side street, that's a birthmark.
- Oh.
All right, come on, road map.
You're coming with us.
Next.
- That thing shouldn't be on the street.
- Get out.
Come on.
Come on.
Take a long walk off a short pier, freak.
Place looks pretty rough, Doreau.
You'd better stick close to me.
Move it, flapjack, or I'll shove my fist down your throat and break your ribs.
Hey, back off! Whoa, Doreau! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Looks like you're doing a lot of business weaseI.
We're running a speciaI.
One week only.
You give us a dollar.
We give you a buck and a half.
- How can you afford that? - We make it up in volume.
Yeah? Can you break a.
45? That's a good line.
I'm gonna remember that.
We wanna talk to the man who supplies the money.
All right, all right, all right.
He's gonna call me at the phone booth out in front.
Why would he want to talk with you? Because without me, he's out of business.
Holy cow! Find another line of work, paI, or you're gonna end up behind bars.
I already am behind bars.
Maggot! So we had the greatest time! He' so cute! - Damned women, always yacking.
- Yeah.
I do! So guess what I said! Your three minutes are up.
Doreau, I don't know what you ate, but I want some.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I got - Hammer, how's Doreau? - Are you kidding? She's doing great.
She put her hand through a phone booth.
You should've seen it.
This woman was taking too long, and pow! Right through the glass.
- Ooh! Unbelievable! - 'Hammer!' I want you and Doreau to come to the precinct immediately.
And I want you to make sure she does not get killed.
It's OK if you do.
- Who you talking to? - The captain.
What's wrong with that penciI pusher? Get a paper cut? I heard that, Doreau.
These two men want to ask you some questions.
Why? Did they lose their way to Brooks Brothers? Inspector Hammer, if I were you I would not be quite so jejune.
Gimme a dictionary.
I'm gonna find out what you said and clobber you with it.
Inspector, we've got no time for vulgar banter.
We've got new evidence against Jean Claude Baptiste.
You know him.
The counterfeiter who's free, thanks to you.
Oh, yeah.
Maurice Chevalier! He's still printing money, but one of his plates are missing.
- What makes you so sure? - Take a look at this.
So far, he's only been able to palm these off on unintelligent people.
- I guess that's how you got hold of it.
- Cut the jokes.
We think you took the other printing plate.
Don't be ridiculous, you seersuckers! Detective, perhaps you could have a word with your partner? Sure.
Nice goin', Hammer.
He could be in serious trouble if he's withholding evidence.
He hasn't got the plate.
I do.
Doreau, you'd better give these men what they want.
- Come on! - No way.
- These guys aren't cops.
- They're zombies.
You think these guys can crack this case? Get serious, Captain.
Enough! I can't stand stereo Hammers.
It gives me a double migraine.
Doreau, if you don't cooperate with the FBI, I have no other choice but to put you on suspension.
Fine.
Here's my badge.
Adios! I'll give you mine, too, Captain.
Just as soon as I find it.
Sorry.
I didn't mean for you to get put on suspension.
I can still catch crooks.
I just don't have to do the paperwork.
Yeah.
But you had a perfect record.
It was clean, it was tidy, it was spotless.
You're making me sound like a wimp.
- I want another drink.
- Mister, we've been through this.
- Come on, lady.
I said I want another drink! - I'll get you some coffee.
- I just gave you another drink.
- Go on! Listen, highball.
I'm gonna teach you that drinking and drinking don't mix.
Hammer, let him go.
Oh, lady, thank God you were here.
It's my turn to beat him up.
- Wait a minute, I saw him first.
- So what? I said I saw him first.
Be a man, Hammer.
I never thought I'd say this.
But I wish you were your old self again.
Hammer, sometimes you make me sick.
All right, you can have the cheese log.
I'm gonna go put a dime in the meter.
- Is something wrong with her? - You're telling me.
There aren't any meters out there.
She gave me the slip? You see? You can't trust a woman.
Even when she acts like a man.
Ah, bonsoir, madame.
Hello, dog breath.
You are such a beautifuI woman.
But you speak like a pig.
Put a sock on it, fuzzball.
I see you're still working out of your old place.
It's the perfect cover.
Only a fooI would look for me here.
Besides, I am packing up my counterfeiting operation and moving to Kansas.
Under a new alias.
Jean Claude Smith.
Yeah? What's this? Ah! The first dollar I ever made.
Of course, I cannot make anything untiI you give me my printing plate.
And I am prepared to pay quite a bit of money for it.
ReaI money, of course.
Don't worry, you'll get what's coming to you.
You crepe suzette! Now, my dear, I am afraid you are going to get what's coming to you.
OK, Doreau, load up.
There's slimeballs afoot.
Oh, my head! Where am I? Oh, great! Now that I need you to be me, you're you again.
Come on, hop up.
- Doreau, shoot your gun.
- All right.
We tailed you here, Hammer.
Lucky for you.
I knew you'd be tailing Hammer, so we followed you.
I hope nobody else shows up.
It's getting crowded back here.
Inspector McCall.
Scotland Yard.
- What are you doing here? - Just came in to buy my wife a painting.
My word! It's Jean Claude Baptiste.
He's been wanted by InterpoI for years.
Mr Baptiste, would you kindly step forward here, please? Stretch your hands out, please.
Towards me.
I arrest you in the name of the Queen.
Thank God this is over.
Doreau, it's good to have you acting like yourself again.
- What do you mean? - You've been acting just like me.
A little too much like me! - What did I do? - You withheld evidence.
- You called us zombies.
- You called me a penciI pusher.
You slugged me.
Trust me.
I didn't know what I was doing.
It's good to have you back, Doreau.
And back to normaI.
One Hammer on the force is more than enough.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Hammer.
No, really, thank you for saving my life.
Oh, I have something for you.
Oh, what is this? Oh, ties! Well, yeah, good.
Oh, Battle Of The Green Berets.
I have this already.
Thank you.
I bought it when I was acting like you, I guess.
All right, all right, enough philanthropy.
Get back on the street and start busting scumsuckers.
- Scumsuckers, Captain? - Oh, my God!