Speechless (2016) s01e18 Episode Script

1 Dylan: "Take one D-O down.
P Pass it.
A-R around.
61 B-O" Together: Bottles of beer on the wall! Sense the pattern! Huh.
All the handicapped spaces are taken.
What do we do? Well, there's only one thing to do We go home.
There are spaces right back there.
Pfft! Back there? By the carts? Like the normals? Look, Mom, I know you've grown accustomed to a certain level of parking privilege, but we're going shopping.
It's for my class project.
Oh! Oh! I see a spot opening up in the front row.
[Scoffs.]
There's no way we fit in there.
Challenge accepted.
Have you no understanding of how the woman's mind works? Jimmy: Fine on my side.
Looking good.
Still okay.
You're not even watching.
I'm so sorry.
I was in power-save mode.
What are we talking about? Oh, gosh.
That's odd.
I think we're in the space.
There's not a lot of room to get out.
Or any.
Silly.
Dylan's gonna get out of the window.
She's gonna climb on the roof, open the back door, lower the wheelchair ramp, and we're all gonna go out back there.
On it.
Right.
It's a quick shop.
Paella only has 22 ingredients?! What does it do, summon a genie? All right, I'll get the shrimp and the spices.
- [Thudding.]
- Jimmy and Dylan get the frozen peas.
JJ, get the sausage, and, Ray, get the rice.
- [Thudding continues.]
- Is this really better than parking in the next row? Did she forget the part about letting us out? Yeah.
You don't get to pick which ones follow you blindly.
Honey, why don't you just come out the back? Why? When there's so much space here? [Vehicle door closes.]
You left a ding.
Ray, do you enjoy being this person? I didn't ding.
It's right there.
Yeah.
I didn't do it.
It was pre-existing.
- You did.
- Didn't.
- You did.
- Didn't.
- Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did! - Didn't, didn't, didn't.
- Hello, Ray.
- We have to leave a note.
I would, Ray, but if I left a note on every car I didn't ding, we'd be in this parking lot forever.
Why do you assume it was me? Because that's where your door was and there's a ding and I've spent a lifetime seeing you open doors? - I'd know if I dinged, Ray.
- I don't think you would.
And And we don't know if that ding was there before, so let's leave a note and give this nice person a chance to tell us.
Why don't we worry a bit less about that nice person and listen to this nice person your mother, who said she didn't do it, and that should just be enough? Everyone else is fine with this abandonment of the social contract? What about the social contract "You came out of me"? Boom.
Are mic drops still cool? - Yes.
- No.
Pfft! Operation Paella is a go.
[Groans.]
Why are grocery stores always so cold? To keep the food fresh? All right, let's switch places.
You get the frozen peas, I'll get the rice.
You really hate being cold that much? I've told you guys about my childhood in Minnesota.
You spent one day there on a layover.
- In the summer.
- Yeah, and it rocked me to my core.
Hey! You got a license for that thing? You want to bet how many people say that today? I say 10.
"11.
thousand.
" I say just one.
I believe in humanity.
Hey.
You have a license for that thing? Stay strong.
Dad, look! It's Banjo Cola.
This is what we drank on that trip with Grandpa.
It turned our lips bright red.
Yeah, it had so much sugar, we had to let you out to run alongside the car.
I can't believe they have it.
Shoot.
They're all out.
Well, I'll find it for you somewhere.
Sure, Dad.
Sounds nice.
Wait.
What was that? You don't believe I'm gonna follow through? I believe that you believe you're gonna follow through.
When have I not delivered on a promise? I'm getting you a puppy.
The biggest doll house you've ever seen.
Hugh Jackman's "Real Steel" on BluRay! A cap gun, but without that lame orange tip.
Every stuffed animal in this thing.
Your own room.
Henry Rollins' autobiography.
- Aah! - I'm getting you an x-ray.
A Bowflex! A college fund.
A drone.
An elephant.
Better brakes.
A pogo stick! Banjo Cola.
Oh, wow.
I'm sorry.
I guess I didn't realize you've reached the age where you remember that stuff.
I'm awful.
No! It's fine, really.
You've got a lot going on, and you get used to it.
Like a weird smell.
No.
No.
I-I want to be a good smell.
I'm getting you that soda.
There are so many other things on that list I would've rather had.
Oi.
Take this.
Get in line.
I've just got to get one more thing.
- Got it.
- What? Wait.
What? What's "Got it"? Where's the [As Ray.]
"Come on, Mom.
One thing never just means one thing" and "I'm gonna be waiting in line all day waving people through" and "Why do you have so much stuff? We just came for paella"? Why fight it? You own me.
[Normal voice.]
Ohhh! Agreement.
Refreshing.
Well, maybe something positive did come out of Note-gate.
Right.
Mother/son moment to be continued.
There's a three-for-one on applesauce.
Thank you.
- [Thump.]
- Oh.
Sorry.
I didn't see you.
Hope you got a license for that thing.
[Chuckles.]
Did that suck? Yeah, sorry.
What can I get you? Chorizo? 1 pound? 2 pounds? Hang tight.
All right, finally, here it is.
All right, hang on.
Got it.
I'll see you soon.
Wow.
That was way worse than what I did, right? Is that your list? Have a nice day.
Hello.
I'm looking for a particular soda I promised my daughter.
I don't see it on the shelf.
- Yeah, what's the name? - Banjo Cola.
- We're out.
- You're out? - Are your lips always that red? - Yes.
I get it.
The job sucks, the hours are long.
When a great exclusive shipment comes in, you hide some in the back for your guys.
But come on.
Do me a solid? I can't help you.
See that red? [Sighs.]
His mouth says no, but his lips say yes.
I acknowledge that was confusing.
They've got it in the back.
Aaron: Can I help you? Yeah, I need to see the manager now.
Uh sorry.
Manager can't see you.
Have a nice day? This isn't over.
Why can't the manager see us? I knew this day would come.
They're here.
You still want me to go check on those expired yogurts? Yes.
120 bucks? But with my applesauce savings Excuse me.
Oven boy.
One, please.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hello? Woman: Hi.
Is this Maya? I got your note.
Ooh! Finally! Okay, now, I know that I was one of the loudest voices in favor, but, as I said in my note, it turns out I do not like all-day breakfast.
Get rid of it.
No, this is about the note you left on my car about the ding.
What note on your car? I Who left a note on your car? You mid-pubescent narc! I wear both of those badges proudly.
- And I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
But they called, so they are saying that you left a ding, aren't they? We haven't discussed the ding, Ray.
Uh, for some reason, we're having some issues connecting.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.
There will be consequences, Ray.
Bad things happen when you go against this family.
Now, you stay in line.
I'm gonna go and get one more thing, and this time, even I know that's not true.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Ignore! Kenneth: I thought I was safe here.
This isn't their usual store.
Who are these people? My day job.
I take care of their son.
I love the kid, but the pay's not that great, so I do this on the weekends to make ends meet.
Oh, so you don't want them to see that you work here, because then, they'd feel guilty.
They don't work on that level.
I don't want them hitting me up for the free expired stuff.
Not gonna happen! Buy your own old bread! Are you sure we're allowed back here? [Sighs.]
I'm sure we're not.
But I promised you that soda, and I'm not stopping for anything.
Teens.
Hide.
Okay.
Why? [Sighs.]
Come on! Oh! Hi.
Are you Maya? I'm Heather.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My son was having trouble with his wheelchair, and I'm just a bit overwhelmed from all the mourning for my husband, who died earlier in the week.
Anyway, your car was dinged? I'm devastated.
No, no, it's fine.
I mean, I wouldn't have even noticed.
Who cares about a little ding, right? Right.
Oh, my goodness.
You know what? Honestly, there was nothing to notice.
I really didn't do anything.
My son was concerned about your car, and he left the note behind my back.
He chose a stranger over you? Where is the loyalty? Ugh! You know what? I deal with that same nonsense from my garbage daughter.
It's outrageous.
'Cause, you know, in the wild, that kind of disloyalty would get you - Eaten by wolves.
- Eaten by wolves.
Mm-hmm.
Exactly.
There he is right now, inside, smug, thinking he knows better.
God, what I wouldn't give to hear him say, "Mom, you were right.
" Ohh! Say that again.
It sounds so good! Okay.
What's our plan? How are we gonna get him to say it? God, I really like you.
Who is Maya talking to? Why is JJ following that guy? Ohh.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Is the sale on Gouda or Havarti? Havarti, Diane! It's always been Havarti! - [Click.]
- Aaron, I need your team out there now.
The DiMeos are here for a reason.
Find out what it is.
Won't they be out of the store in, like, a half an hour? Son in a half-hour, we might not have a store.
Look! A bottle cap! Ah! It seems these thirsty teens are also messy teens.
Dad, will you please stop saying "teens"? It's "teens" or "whippersnappers.
" Hide me! The car owner she's a monster! Where is she? You! I didn't ding your car.
Say that all you want.
I have this note.
I left that note in hopes of opening up a constructive dialogue.
Okay.
Here's a dialogue.
You're gonna die on a log, because that's all you'll have left - after you pay me $60,000.
- [Maya gasps.]
$60,000?! She says the entire car is made from one piece of metal, and we have to order a whole new exterior from Germany! Heather: And you're gonna pay, because this note is an admission of guilt.
Take it back, Ray! Say I didn't ding! I feel in my heart that you did! That settles it! You're coming with me! You're under a citizen's arrest! - No, please.
My son needs paella.
- Quiet! I'm sorry, Mom.
I can't help you.
Really, Ray? Even now, as I'm being citizen-arrested? I'm sorry.
I give up.
He is just a lost cause.
I'm gonna go tell my daughter she's not as bad as I thought.
[Clink.]
Jimmy: [Whispering.]
Banjo Cola.
[Whispering.]
You actually found it.
I'm following through.
Now we just need to clear the room.
But how? Jimmy: Attention this is your manager.
I need all employees in the break room - What the - to report to the parking lot for emergency cart repair.
That's all the jam.
Dylan: And also, all candy is half off.
Jimmy: Sure.
Why not? Half off candy.
How did they hack our system? Technically, it's not a hack, since anyone can use the wall phones.
Paella.
They're here for paella.
Of course.
Ray's world-culture project.
And here I am, weekend-managing the only store in town that sells saffron! Listen up, everybody.
Here's what we're doing.
Diane, JJ's got something going on with that guy.
I want you to get out there and read his board.
I don't know what that means.
Chester, tell the stock boys to get to the back.
There's been a breach.
And, Aaron, if Maya and Ray want paella ingredients, oh, we'll give them paella ingredients.
Oh, wait.
I don't have time to make paella.
Oh, well, guess I'll just leave the ingredients here in case anyone happens to want paella.
I am the perfect dad.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, hey! What are you doing? Hi! We used to live in this break room.
I just wanted to show my daughter.
Run! Hey! They got the Banjo Cola! Go, go, go, go! I cannot believe you were gonna let that woman arrest me.
I'm your mother! You defend me no matter what, like I would defend you.
You'd defend me no matter what? Of course I would like when you were in the sixth grade and you wanted to take a briefcase to school instead of a backpack.
I defended that.
What was there to defend? My cool style choice? Oh, my God.
You still don't know.
You never have to defend me because I never do anything bad.
You are the one committing and I don't use this term lightly - horrific atrocities.
- Like what? Like everything! "Look at me.
I ding cars and don't leave notes.
Oh.
Artichoke hearts? I'm gonna open the jar in the store and eat one, like I do every single time.
" Oh, no.
Ohh! - No! JJ! - Steer into the spin, darling! Oh! Oh! - Oh! - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Aah! Aah! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Aaaah! Oh! [Gasps.]
[Sighs.]
"Ray dinged this.
" Just leave that there, shall I? [Clicks tongue.]
[Laughs.]
[Both panting.]
Teens! Oh, no.
Now I'm doing it.
[Grunts.]
Come on in here.
Oh! Okay, we'll wait in here till the coast is clear.
Okay.
Thanks.
It's clear that's kind of a huge sacrifice for me, right? Yeah, I got it.
Ohh.
I like this "following through.
" Might try it again.
Stephen: Check the cooler! [Beep.]
My life is over.
I won't be able to pay.
They're gonna call the police.
I'm gonna have a record.
I won't be able to get into any good colleges.
Why did I have to make paella? Everyone says that they won't use math when we grow up.
I'll use math.
I won't use paella! Stephen: We have a situation in the back! Kenneth: Damn it! What now? [High-pitched.]
Sorry.
Uh, that was my boyfriend.
H-He's from out of town.
Gerald, stop! I'm at work! [Giggles.]
[Beep.]
Cashier: $291.
12.
I-I don't have it.
I-I'm just a mid-pubescent narc.
Don't worry, darling.
I'll cover you.
Even though I saw you do it, I will stand by you, because that's what family does.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you, Mom.
[Inhales sharply.]
I'm gonna need to hear you say I didn't ding first.
[Groans.]
There's no way out.
Give us the soda.
Okay.
Okay.
You got us.
I'm sorry, honey.
It's okay, Dad.
You were awesome.
You followed through plenty even if we didn't get the soda.
Wait a minute.
Go.
Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why? Why did we You got one? Wait.
But if we have that, what do they have? [Huffs.]
Root beer?! What is that? All right, what is your problem? Hi.
Would you like help reading your communication board? "What the heck? This is a really good store.
" "You M-O-V moved me like an O-B object in your way.
So I'm being an O object in your way.
" I barely nudged you.
You gonna harass me all afternoon? Come on! What? This dumb kid's been coming after me for the last 20 minutes.
"I'm glad you finally noticed me.
" What? [Scoffs.]
Takeout it is.
So you got a license for that thing? "You're damn right.
" "Not for individual sale.
" [Grunts.]
Sorry, teen.
I've come too far to give this up.
And I'm looking out for the next dad who's got something pretty weird to prove to his daughter.
I'm buying this.
Manager! What are you guys doing here? Buying a very significant soda.
- What are you doing here? - Maya: Trying to get a job to work off $300 worth of broken artichokes.
"Good news.
I T-H-W thwarted a businessman.
" [Gasps.]
Wait a second.
Did I forget to get you guys out of the van? Manager! God! Do you see what she does to me? Mom refused to leave a note, got me all whipped up until I broke half the stuff in this place because we can't make a normal grocery run to make a simple pan of paella, which is worth half my grade for some reason, - without everything going crazy! - [Groans.]
We forgot the rice.
All of this could have been avoided if you just believed me when I told you I didn't ding the car.
It's not that hard.
Tell him.
I didn't do it.
I mean "You do D-I ding a lot of cars.
" Okay, I gave you the first one.
Who is she? - I'm Diane.
- Seriously? None of you believe me? I believe you! Maya and Jimmy: Kenneth? Kenneth, is this the end of a magic trick I don't understand? Do you work here or something? Yes.
I didn't want you to know that I had to take a second job.
But because of Ray, you all showed up here.
Now I have to come clean.
I love working with the family, but it doesn't exactly keep the hot tub warm.
"You work E-X extra so you can stay with me?" That's right, buddy.
That's so selfless of you, Kenneth.
So, what's the friends-and-family discount on the old bread? Did I tell you that they'd want the old bread? You guys are like a bunch of ducks.
Yes, I am the weekend manager, and this mess needs to be weekend-managed.
Stephen, let the customers purchase the merchandise.
JJ, that guy sucked.
But watching you show him who's boss has made spending my weekends here worth it.
Almost.
And you two watch.
- [Laughs.]
I didn't ding.
- She didn't ding? I assumed she did because Because you never give her the benefit of the doubt.
I'm always guilty until proven innocent with you.
That's because you're almost always guilty.
I just want you to treat me with the fairness that you treat literally everybody else in the world.
So you want me to treat you like a stranger? I would love that.
And in return, I won't stage elaborate, terrifying pranks to prove a point.
Thank you.
I'm a nervous weirdo.
I can't take it.
Hey.
Do this at home.
We're good? Good.
Get out of my store.
See you Monday.
Hey, you got any more of this in the back? Oh, no.
We don't go back there.
[Sighs.]
Mom, you were right.
I got one! Eh? Eh.
Uh, you realize they didn't pay for any of that, right? Yeah, it's better that they leave.